Original subtitles

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

Oh, what are you doing?

-Gnawing on your face. -Why?

It's Christmas, and I wanted to gnaw on my boyfriend's face.

John used to do this, but now he's too old.

Okay. Gnaw on my face.

Yeah?

-It's good, yeah? -Hm. It's all right.

What can I do to make today less shit for you?

-Love me. -Yeah, done.

Nailed it.

Have you ever seen a vagina as out as mine?

Pardon?

Well, I've watched porn, and there are never any outies.

Mine is so out.

It's not that out.

Fuck you, it is out. It's really out!

Well, I really, really like your vagina and all of its work.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

I like outie vaginas. They're really friendly.

-They're like, "Hey, how's it goin'?" -(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Well, I think you have a beautiful vagina.

Does Claire have an outie?

Well, this feels like a trap.

Hey, hey! Take a look at this pimple for me.

-Ooh. -This one.

-Do you think I should pop it? -Mm, what do you think, Gracie?

Should she pop it or should she leave it till tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

Cool. I try tomorrow.

Hurry up, you bastards!

Oh, Hannah! We're gonna be late now!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck! (MOANS)

♪ Hark the... ♪

Christ! Fuck!

-No! -Oh! Oh, it's...

I should have knocked. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Everything would be great if you'd knocked.

Oh, phew... Er, are you okay?

Think we're beyond that question now.

Do you still wanna do Christmas?

May as well.

-We'll talk about this later. -Yeah.

Between mains and dessert?

(KNOCKS) Hello! It's Santa!

No, I'm just kidding, it's Mum and Hannah.

Hello, yes, please go sit. Hi!

Sorry we're late. It's not Hannah's fault.

-Okay. -And I made my shortbread.

It just isn't Christmas without my shortbread.

That's just not true.

-Hi! -Hi.

I made my shortbread. It isn't Christmas without my shortbread.

Here you go, Alan. Oh! Yum. Yes, please.

-Hi, I'm Ella. -Hi.

-Mae? -Oh, no, thanks!

Oh! Mae, Mae, have some shortbread.

-Oh, okay. -(BABY CRIES)

I'm going to go try to convince Grace to go to sleep.

-Okay. -Oh, yeah!

Thank you.

Eugh!

Come on, Gracie.

-I dropped the gravy. -Yep.

Does... Does your family like gravy?

Yeah!

What you're gonna do is,

you're gonna take these paper towels and clean up the gravy

and we're just never gonna tell anyone there was ever gravy, all right?

Christmas really lost its sheen

once I started being able to afford my own toys.

ALL: ♪ Gone away is the bluebird ♪

♪ Here to stay is the new bird ♪

♪ He sings a love song As we go along ♪

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

-Beans! Beans! -Oh, my gosh.

Grace is down. I hope she sleep for a long time.

-MAE: I hope till she's 18. -(LAUGHS) 18!

Got any ice, Josh? The punch is warm.

-Tom? -I forgot to get ice.

Everyone eat, please. It's going cold.

No, no, no! Hey, just not before the crackers, you idiot!

We've got to do the crackers first!

-Yeah, you idiot. -Lame idiot.

Yeah, you look like Ellen DeGeneres if Ellen DeGeneres was a candle.

-I think you're okay. -Fine. Thanks.

MAE: Oh, don't hold so much of it!

Did I ever tell you that I'm Jewish?

This is properly thrilling.

Here we go.

-Oh, why didn't that bang? -I usually make it bang.

Sometime today, I need you to take some shortbread,

and say, "Jeez, Rose, this is delicious shortbread."

-Okay, now? -No, not now! It's too obvious.

Why do you keep cheating? Why is it so important to you?

-I'm not friggin' cheating. -Oh, let's not talk about cheating!

Oh, no, Stuart! I meant Stuart, Mae. Not you.

Not you. Or Alan. You, for that matter.

TOM: Why didn't you tell me you were Jewish?

-ELLA: So that you'd get me a gift. -Guys!

Oh, no, Claire has no-one to do her cracker with.

Oh, maybe Claire has to do it by herself.

-I don't wanna do it by myself. -I'll do it with you.

-Okay! -No, Dad, she has to do it by herself.

Yeah. 'Cause she has no partner.

-TOM: No-one in the world. -'Cause she's alone.

Oh, maybe I won't do the cracker, then.

Oh, it's because of that attitude you don't have anyone to do it with.

Josh, Christmas is about charity. You do it with her.

-Yeah, Josh! -Yes, I'll do the pity cracker.

Thank you.

-Oh, you... -I won.

Oh, shall I go get ice?

No. Not now. We've just started eating.

There's red wine there.

-Where's the gravy? -Oh, so, guys?

I forgot to make gravy.

-(ALL GASPING) -What?

Joshua! Oh, what a shame!

JOSH: Yes, it is a tragedy, I agree, and I'm very sorry,

but perhaps we can just forgive and forget

on this holiest of days, yep?

-Mmm, great shortbread, Rose. -Mmm!

ALAN: Here we go. Ah... What did the zero say to the eight?

-Nice belt. -ELLA: I don't get it.

Okay. Why did Santa's helper go to the doctor? Huh? Huh?

-Herpes! -(ALL LAUGHING)

Telling me to eat the shortbread was so harsh!

She loved it. It was adorable.

She watched me eat the whole thing like I was a cat taking medicine!

Yeah.

-TOM: Hannah, where's your hat? -What?

Why aren't you wearing your hilarious hat?

You think you're too good for your hat, Hannah?

Oh, yeah. Put your hat on, Hannah! King Hannah!

She hasn't clocked that I'm a girl?

It's Christmas. You have to wear the hat.

-Claire's not wearing one. -I don't have a hat.

-'Cause she lost. -She can have mine.

I'd really like to see you in the hat, Hannah.

I'm not wearing the fucking hat!

ROSE: Oh, okay, guys...

Hannah's been a bit depressed lately so just go easy, all right?

Fine, fine.

TOM: I guess a novelty hat on a depressed person

would just highlight how depressed they are.

Like how it'd be weird to see a depressed person on a jetski.

Mm.

I think you'd look hot on a jetski.

-Who is that? -This is new.

Yes, I was wondering about that.

That's vegetarian nut roast, and it's for Arnold.

-Nice of Josh to make it for me. -Yes.

Oh!

Oh!

-Tastes like blended cardboard! Ugh! -Does it?

Rose, just put some salt on it.

ELLA: Okay, what is the worst present that everyone's ever received?

I'm gonna go first because, obviously, I want to say mine.

That's why I asked the question.

My dad once gave me math tutoring.

Oh, I bet he felt as bad as the two wise men

that brought frankincense and myrrh

when they saw the other bloke brought gold!

(CHUCKLES)

-Did you just make that joke up? -Yup.

-No, you didn't. -I did!

-I'm thinking of taking up the flute. -Oh, yeah?

Mm, 'cause I was really musical when I was young,

but I just wasn't pushed enough.

Right. Hannah, turkey?

Yeah. Sure.

What's this? What's that made out of?

-It's cotton. -Feels really nice.

-What about yours? -Oh, it's cotton too.

-Oh, high five! -Yeah! (CHUCKLES)

(BABY CRIES)

Sorry, we are having a bit of trouble getting her to sleep.

Hopefully she will calm down.

-Well, she sounds very distressed. -Yes, yes, I know. I can hear her.

I know how she sounds.

Maybe I should go and check on her.

No!

I am not going to be the mean parent.

You bought me the book. You made me read the book.

You agree with what's in the book.

So, we have 11 minute and 38 seconds, okay, before we can check on her.

It's Christmas, Mae.

But Grace doesn't have a concept of Christmas, does she?

-I will not be the bad guy. -All right.

-She will stop crying. -All right.

Mae, I think you're doing a really good job.

Thank you, Claire.

We didn't have to do this with Josh.

Please, Rose.

I have this under control.

Maybe I could sneak in there and have a little nibble.

-Josh, please! She's fine. -No, I'm not worried about her.

I just wanna go in and have a little nibble, you know?

Just a little... A little nibble.

Sorry, is no-one gonna make a joke about Josh?

Yeah, how no parenting techniques that are used on him

should ever be used again.

-'Cause he's shit. -Big nostrils.

-You? -I'm trying to be part of the family.

I don't think big nostrils are a result of bad discipline.

-You wouldn't stop picking your nose. -Oh, my mistake.

Remember when we told Josh that if he kept on picking his nose,

his nostrils would get huge

and then everybody would know that he picked his nose?

I can't believe it's true! (ALL CHUCKLING)

-He went white. -Whiter than that?

-Okay. All right. -I don't think you can get whiter.

-Translucent? -Yep. You know what? I'm happy.

I'm happy to sacrifice myself so we can all bond.

Whiter than going to the farmers' market?

Oh, yeah. Oh! Whiter than binge drinking, huh?

You're right, Josh. He's not boring at all!

What?

-Oh, it worked. She stop. -ALAN: Good job, honey.

Yeah, today Grace learnt that just because she's upset

doesn't mean she deserves to be cared for.

Rose? That's uncalled for.

It's unfair and it's uncalled for.

All right, all right. I'm sorry. I'm... (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

Look, I regret saying it. I'm sorry, Mae.

Yeah. So, Hannah, did you get anything nice for Christmas?

-No. -Brilliant.

ELLA: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

What just happened? Why couldn't you go check on her?

-We're doing controlled crying. -Oh, right.

I wouldn't be able to do controlled crying.

No offence, Mae, I just wouldn't be able to do it.

CLAIRE: Why is this all being directed at Mae?

Alan agreed not to check on her too.

Everyone is forcing their kids to grow up too soon these days.

MAE: I'm not forcing her to grow up.

I am just making sure

that when she does grow up, she's not some whingeing brat.

-No offence, Josh. -Some taken.

Is there any gravy, Josh?

No, Hannah, there's no gravy. Did you not hear...

No, never mind.

-Hannah, are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine. Fine.

ELLA: I mean, for all we know, her crying could be baby talk

for "Help, there's a snake in my bed!"

Yeah, maybe I'll just pop my head in.

-No, Alan. -What do you think, Tom?

I just wouldn't be bothered checking on her.

No, that's not what you think.

-Yeah. What do you think, Tom? -Yeah, Tom?

Um, I think it's totally fine.

I think it's really responsible parenting, Mae.

Ugh, yuck, that was gross to watch.

Never stand for anything ever again, Tom.

I didn't want to!

I thought maybe you'd agree with me because I'm your girlfriend.

-Okay, yeah, I agree with Ella. -No, you don't!

I think... Okay, I think whatever is easiest to think.

I just said that before to try and help Mae,

and lonely, poor Claire.

Why does everybody keep making jokes about Claire being lonely?

You'd be knocking them back, wouldn't you? Claire? A girl like you?

It's 'cause they've got nothing else on me.

Dad, you're getting dangerously close to flirting with Claire

and I just wanna intercept early, yeah?

-Oh. Sorry. -Yeah. Yeah, thank you, Josh.

ROSE: You've had heaps of boyfriends.

No! I've had, like, a few short-lived mistakes.

-And then there was Josh. -Boom.

-ROSE: That doesn't count. -It counts as a mistake.

-You made him gay. -Oh, thank you, Claire.

Ah, there's Tom as well, anybody, if you wanna say anything about Tom.

Fuck, yeah. Achievement. Ding ding ding!

-Didn't make me gay, am I right? -Sorry, Ella.

-You can have him back if you like. -At this point, I'd probably consider it.

-Don't say that. -Why would you say that?

What?

You're being like Snape's secretary in Love Actually.

No, I'm not. Don't say that!

So, Josh thinks that maybe Tom is still in love with Claire.

(LAUGHS)

-Awkward alert! -JOSH: No, I didn't say that.

-Did I say that? I didn't say that. -I never heard him say that.

-He didn't say that. -I think he said it with his eyes.

-Ooh, he did say it with his eyes. -No.

Don't trust my eyes. I was probably thinking about slow-roasted meats, Ella.

Tom isn't in love with me.

-I'm not. -Mm, maybe a little bit.

Why?

I'm not. He's just joking.

Doesn't really seem like joking.

-I'd kill for some ice. -I'll go get it.

-Don't, Ella. -No, it's fine, I'm Jewish, so...

-Ella, don't go. -Don't go.

Really?

Yes.

Okay.

Maybe now that Grace is asleep,

I could just sneak in there for a little nibble?

-Maybe a little munch on her ear? -Josh!

Since when did you start liking babies, Josh? You hate babies.

Other babies, yes. Not Grace. Grace is the Beyonce of babies.

-Josh, you want babies! -Nope.

Isn't it weird to think that Beyonce was a baby once?

You almost just don't believe it.

-I don't want babies. -Oh, me neither.

-I want a holiday house. -Yup.

I don't much like drinking red wine during the day.

I have seen so much soap shaped like cupcakes this year.

I'm just sick of it. Like, it doesn't soap up like real soap.

-Nor does it cupcake like cupcake. -You said it!

Um, did you know that some city birds

have started using cigarette butts in their nests

because the burnt nicotine wards off fleas and lice?

-Ahh. -Wow, that's really interesting.

Sounds like a lie put out by Big Tobacco.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I thought you were joking.

-No, he was not joking. -Not joking.

TOM: Maybe that's what those homeless guys are doing

when I see them pick up cigarette butts off the street.

-What? -For their nests?

Are you sure you're okay?

-What did I say last time? -That you were fine.

Okay, so if I tell you I'm not fine, I hate Christmas and I hate myself,

would you back the fuck off?

Okay.

Oh! I forgot to tell you about Stuart!

Apparently, he's back in the psych ward.

I spoke to his wife, you know, Hazel,

and apparently he's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder,

'cause he got in a car accident and killed three kids.

Hazel said it wasn't his fault, but of course she would say that,

wouldn't she?

-Fuck! -Poor guy.

Yes, the problem is Hazel's now having a lot of trouble working out

if the bad bits in his personality are because of the PTSD,

or if it's because he's just a dickhead.

Oh, Josh, I've been meaning to ask, how's your friend, Ben?

Alan! That was meant to be a secret!

No, it's okay. I know.

Yeah, everybody knows. It's fine.

Ben is recovering well, thank you for asking.

(BABY CRIES)

Please can we not mention it?

-(DOG VOMITING) -Oh, shit!

-John, buddy, what have you eaten? -Oh, it's okay, I'll get it.

Hey, hey, hey! Are you all right?

-(BABY CRIES) -She sounds very distressed.

-What if something's wrong? -Nothing is wrong.

Do you want a holiday house in the beach or in the country?

Um, beach. With a fireplace and a grand piano.

She just sounds so sad.

I just wanna spread her ear on a cracker with some quince paste.

Can I just stand outside the door and check?

No, okay? No-one is picking her up!

(BABY STOPS CRYING)

-Oh, so, who's Ben? -Sorry, Ben is a friend of mine.

He had brain surgery. I really don't wanna talk about it.

What friend? You don't have other friends.

-I am branching out. -Where would you meet other friends?

-Just around. -ROSE: What, on the Internet?

You don't know who you're talking to on the Internet, Josh.

Could be a troll.

Could someone please change the subject?

How are so many guys interested in you? What do they see in you?

Personality.

-No. No, no, no. No, no, no. -Yes.

Arnold, can you shed some light on this?

-No, I can't remember. -TOM: Claire?

I was a teenager. I had no confidence.

Wish I could do a focus group and figure it out.

I think maybe they get lost in my eyes.

Why are you friends with him, Tom?

Uh, desperation. Convenience.

Honestly, being friends with Josh is just slightly less effort

than having to find somewhere else to live.

(LAUGHS)

-The same for you? -Okay, well he does nice things.

For example, before, he took the blame for me dropping the gravy.

-Oh, no! -Whoa!

Whoa!

-So, there was gravy? -Yeah, there was, but I dropped it.

-You dropped the gravy? -Yeah, I dropped the gravy.

My God, he just keeps saying it out loud!

-Well, it's just gravy. -"Just gravy"?

Arnold, now you're just being antagonistic.

Arnold, the thing you need to know about gravy is that it's just so good.

It's like the heart of a guide dog.

Vegetarian, huh? Yeah? Am I right?

I didn't do it because I'm a vegetarian.

It was a mistake.

I can't fix this for you. Just, I cannot fix this for you.

Just imagine Josh, seeing all that gravy on the floor?

His little homely face would've just dropped.

ELLA: Too upsetting to bear thinking about.

I wish he'd never told me.

Yeah, no, I knew that Josh would not forget the gravy. I knew that.

Josh, can I ask, was it packet gravy or did you make it from scratch?

I made it from scratch, Dad. I'm not a douchebag.

I was enjoying this lunch, but now... Now I can't bear another bite.

Probably for the best with those cheeks, am I right?

Oh! Not even a laugh for my cheeks, Arnold.

Not even a pity laugh from your boyfriend.

I mean, that's how you know you fucked up.

There's your gravy! (CHUCKLES)

(CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES)

Arnold.

I know that was a weird choice. I'm just a bit on edge.

Muhammad's gonna come pick me up in a big black car

and take me to a very fancy, entirely emotionally cold family Christmas.

Okay, if that's what you like, that's what you want.

Yeah.

Get me higher. Get me higher. Higher, you dog!

-(CHUCKLE) I'm trying! -Higher, you dog!

(GRUNTS) I'm... Josh!

-Josh? -Yes?

-I don't wanna move in with you. -Let me down.

I just...

When I dropped the gravy, I thought that might be it.

I thought, oh, you're gonna break up with me.

I thought, "I bet Ben never drops any gravy."

All lunch, I kept thinking that I was being less interesting than Ben,

and I can't spend my life worried

that you're gonna find some vulnerable guy

with arthritis or chronic psoriasis or whatever.

I just... I'm tired.

What's a nice thing I can do for you

to prove that there's nothing going on between me and Ben?

Not a nice thing, maybe a mean thing.

Do you wanna go punch him in the balls?

Do you want... Me and you, we'll go in that car,

we'll go to the hospital, we'll punch Ben in the balls.

-Don't think I won't do it. -I don't know.

All right.

-Merry Christmas. -Yep. Merry Christmas.

He's fine. He just wanted to go see his family.

-He's not upset about Ben? -I don't wanna talk about it.

Just remember, Josh.

It'd be weird for Arnold knowing that you had Ben in the back of your mind.

He doesn't have Ben in the back of his mind. They're just friends.

No, no, not... Claire said they were lovers.

-Why would she say that? -I'm just not helping today, am I?

There are a lot of desserts, Josh!

Yeah, why so much dessert? We're never gonna eat it all.

Did you know there are people out there who didn't have Christmas lunch today

and here we are with all this food that's gonna go to waste.

I just thought it'd be nice to have a variety of desserts.

-Pretty worked up about the dessert, Josh. -Sorry.

-Dessert is "stressed" backwards. -Tom, you can't feed him chocolate!

-That's a myth. -Yeah, remember when he vomited?

CLAIRE: This punch is so warm.

Yeah, it's really not drinkable without ice.

There's red wine but I don't like drinking red wine during the day.

Then go and get ice, Dad! I didn't know Tom was going to forget the ice.

I'm sorry, but that's the situation we're in, okay?

So, either leave and get ice, or shut up!

Oh, you always get so worked up around Christmas.

No, actually, it's not Christmas's fault. Let's not blame Jesus.

It was having to hang out alone every year

with you and Dad and Peg just pecking at me.

Just peck, peck, peck, peck, peck.

We're just trying to have a good time!

I know. I know I'm being unfair, and I'm sorry, okay?

But fuck, when I say to you, "I don't want to talk about it",

why can't you stop talking about it?

Son, this is about Arnold and Ben.

Actually, I thought I was pretty clear, okay?

This is about you. I'm frustrated with you, okay?

Claire keeps telling me how disappointed she is with her life

instead of going out and creating herself a better life.

Tom keeps making the most horrible choices

and then everyone pretends it's not his fault.

It is your fault, Tom. Ella, it is Tom's fault.

Everything. You probably should have left.

Hannah, wow, no-one's allowed to make fun of Hannah.

And, Mae, well... Mae's fine.

Although I don't really understand why you bought me a book

of "easy mid-week recipes." You know I know to cook.

-It was cheap. -Fair enough.

Dad is incapable of communicating with me about feelings.

So instead, he just talks about chores that need to be done all the time.

Mum, well, it's pretty obvious

you've made the choice to go off your medication again.

You're gonna be depressed in two days, again,

and then, you're gonna expect me to be there to help, again.

Okay? This is not about Arnold. This is not about Ben.

This is not about Jesus, all right? This is about you.

And... And to be honest, I've run out of things to say.

But I'm not gonna stop talking 'cause I appreciate that I'm as bad as you,

and I know as soon I stop talking, you're gonna say something

that's probably quite embarrassing.

So, what I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna take this trifle

and I'm going to go.

-To Arnold? -No.

-Ben? -No!

I'm gonna go and sit alone in a park with my dog and a trifle.

Take some shortbread!

You should've seen the tantrum he threw

when we gave him the wrong Donkey Kong.

Yeah, I heard that!

What happened was you gave me the same game you already gave me

the previous Christmas.

I'm an only child.

(DOOR SLAMS)