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1
00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:34,680
Guys? Guys.
2
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,480
Josh is inviting a boy over
for casual sex.
3
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,400
Really? Well, that is interesting.
4
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,640
But also... Who wants to smash a pinata?
5
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:46,080
-You made a pinata?
-Yeah, I made a beautiful pinata.
6
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,680
Why'd you make a pinata?
7
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,240
What? What do mean, "why"?
8
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,280
I mean why did you make a pinata?
9
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,520
-Would you ask a bird why it sings?
-(PHONE BEEPS)
10
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,520
Would you ask a divorced man
why he joined a pottery class?
11
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:57,760
Some things don't need to be questioned.
12
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,920
-Okay, what's in it?
-It doesn't matter!
13
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,720
Free your mind of all that nonsense
and just focus on what's real,
14
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,520
which is that we have a pinata.
15
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,240
All right, all right!
16
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:07,880
Okay, no, actually, no.
17
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,600
I thought you'd be excited.
You're not excited.
18
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,520
I don't want to smash it
with people who aren't excited.
19
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,480
-No, I think I'm excited!
-You're not excited!
20
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,400
I just need a moment
to get my head around it, okay.
21
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:17,720
It's a bit of a shock!
22
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:18,880
-Okay.
-Okay!
23
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:22,640
Yeah, I'm excited!
24
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,360
Claire, are you excited about the pinata?
25
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:25,480
-Sure.
-Yeah?
26
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,120
-Ole!-Arriba!
27
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,120
It is full of
28
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,360
secrets.
29
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,320
You and Claire have been keeping
secrets, and I don't like it.
30
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,000
I think we shouldn't keep secrets,
31
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,520
so I have taken all of our secrets
and I put it in here,
32
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,080
mine, Josh's, Claire's and John's.
33
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,600
What secrets does John have?
34
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,080
John hates foreigners.
35
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,080
John! That does not suit you.
36
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,920
I hope that by airing
all these secrets,
37
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,080
I will become
the most honest member of the group
38
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,400
and therefore a better person
than both of you.
39
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,440
All right, fine. Stand back. Go, go.
40
00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:58,560
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
41
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,280
♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
42
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,840
-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
43
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,760
♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
44
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,720
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
45
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,160
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
46
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,760
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪-♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
47
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:13,960
-♪ Ooh ♪-♪ I've left better behind ♪
48
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,040
-♪ I'll be fine ♪-♪ Yeah ♪
49
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,920
-♪ Yeah ♪-♪ Fine ♪
50
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,800
-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪-♪ Eye ♪
51
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,960
BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪
52
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,240
♪ I've left better behindI'll be fine ♪
53
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,760
-(PHONE RINGING)
-(GRUNTING)
54
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:31,440
Arnie?
55
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:32,600
Joshie?
56
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,040
We're trying to smash Tom's pinata,
57
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,920
but it won't break
'cause it's a shit pinata!
58
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,000
He finished the pinata?
Oh, thank goodness.
59
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,840
I've been the only one he can talk
to about the pinata.
60
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,360
Do you know what that's been like?
Bad! That's what it's been like.
61
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,080
It's not shit.
You guys are hitting it weak
62
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,800
on purpose to protect your secrets.
63
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,440
I just cannot talk to you
at the moment.
64
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,760
Okay. I love you. Have fun.
65
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,320
Okay, love you. Have fun at maths camp.
(LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY)
66
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,080
Fun at maths camp!
Tom,
67
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:57,600
Claire, laugh at Arnold with me.
68
00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,840
(ALL LAUGH MIRTHLESSLY)
69
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,880
-Maths camp!
-(FORCED LAUGHTER)
70
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,720
Bye.
71
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,040
Ooh! I got one.
72
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:06,720
One of mine. That's annoying.
73
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,520
Annoying that it's one of mine,
but that's okay,
74
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,360
because I'm open with my friends,
trusting...
75
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,880
Just read it!
76
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:16,040
"I knew Josh was gay when he was 18
77
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,560
"because I found gay porn
on his laptop,
78
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,360
"but I did not say anything
because I didn't
79
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,040
-"have the courage to bring it up."
-No...
80
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,600
Josh, you stole my youth.
81
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,200
I thought it was a phase, okay?
Like Gangnam Style...
82
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,640
Can you not be texting sex friends
83
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,680
when my feelings are being crushed,
please?
84
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,040
I have invited him over
and I instantly regret it.
85
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,160
What's his name?
86
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,320
I don't know.
87
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,680
Yeah. What's in a name?
88
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,920
It's not fair!
89
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,680
Gay guys get everything!
90
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,640
-Oh, you get plenty.
-Whoo! What's this?
91
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,160
Oh! Yes.
92
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,200
So, Josh, you remember when you lost
your passport in Thailand?
93
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,240
-(LAUGHING)
-Yes!
94
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,800
And we looked all through your room
and you asked me if I had it
95
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,400
and I said I definitely
did not have your passport.
96
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:00,760
-Yes.
-And then you had to
97
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,120
go to an embassy
in Bangkok and wait for three...
98
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,360
-Yes, I remember!
-Let me finish.
99
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,400
-(LAUGHS)
-Let me finish.
100
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,880
While you also had diarrhoea.
101
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,680
-(CLAIRE LAUGHS)
-Yeah. Yeah, I found it.
102
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,320
-It was in my bag in my passport...
-(CLAIRE SCREAMS)
103
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,920
In my passport wallet.
104
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,520
Fine! Give me one!
105
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,040
-(LAUGHS)
-Claire!
106
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,520
"Claire once told Tom
that no-one in the world
107
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,800
"makes her laugh as much as Josh."
108
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,440
-Oh, that's nice.
-Tom, what the fuck?
109
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,400
He was never supposed
to fucking hear that!
110
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,520
I mean, what a fun game!
111
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,320
This is a nice time we're having.
112
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,680
Okay. All right. Josh.
113
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,880
"Josh thinks Claire's mum
is a bad cook."
114
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:44,840
She's a great cook!
115
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,600
"Claire thinks she is good,
but she is not."
116
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,440
-Oh, yeah.
-I hate you.
117
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,200
Oh, my God. He's coming over.
He said yes.
118
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,560
-I did not think he was gonna...
-He's coming over?
119
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,600
I need you guys to come and tell me
if my room smells weird.
120
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,080
(SNIFFS)
121
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:04,800
(SNIFFS)
122
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:08,200
It smells fine!
123
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,320
"Fine"?
124
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:10,840
Yeah, it just smells like you.
125
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,440
Like me? I have a smell?
126
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,480
-Not a bad smell.
-(CLAIRE LAUGHS)
127
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,520
Maybe I should light
a scented candle. No? No!
128
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:18,800
Too creepy, too romantic.
129
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,320
-What does he look like?
-Nice enough.
130
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:22,800
-Show us!
-Show him.
131
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,040
-Show us!
-Come on!
132
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,040
Oh! Oh!
133
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,080
-BOTH: Aww!
-Yeah,
134
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:33,960
yeah. He looks like a serial killer.
135
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,600
-What if he's dangerous?
-If he's dangerous, I'll scream.
136
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,560
How will we know if it's
a good scream or a bad scream?
137
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,480
You'll know! I don't make
any noise during sex, okay?
138
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,160
If you hear any noise, any at all,
that isn't muttering apologies,
139
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,640
then you should interject.
140
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,200
-You don't dirty talk?
-No.
141
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,160
He can't dirty talk with
a voice like that.
142
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,640
Yes, I can! I could, yes.
143
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,040
Er... Suck it! Yeah, suck it.
144
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,600
-(IMITATES JOSH) "Suck it, suck it."
-Ugh!
145
00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,560
-Suck it!
-Oh, it's really weird.
146
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,520
(DEEP VOICE) Suck it, fag.
Suck it, fag boy.
147
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,840
You suck it, fag boy, boy.
148
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:06,800
Will he be okay
with you calling him that?
149
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,960
Yeah, I'm... I'm appropriating...
I'm misapp... What am I doing?
150
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,320
-Reappropriating.
-I'm reappropriating.
151
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,200
-"Suck it, fag boy" is empowering?
-No, Thomas!
152
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:17,600
You're not allowed to say it!
153
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,560
(GROANS) I don't get to say anything.
154
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,360
This is stupid, yeah?
155
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:23,600
No, I think it's brilliant.
156
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,000
I just wish
we could stay on this couch
157
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,280
and I'd wear a big jumper
and we could make fun of people.
158
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,000
I just don't understand
what your problem is.
159
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,040
-Very frustrated today.
-Well, you're not communicating!
160
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,600
-He's nervous.
-About what?
161
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:38,360
Like... I just sort of...
Wish he was a glazed ham, and...
162
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,000
Instead of hooking up,
I could just eat glazed ham.
163
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,040
Shall we guess
why you're being weird?
164
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,680
Do you feel weird kissing someone
when you have a boyfriend?
165
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:48,840
Yes.
166
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:53,000
But you're allowed. He wants you to.
It's brilliant.
167
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,360
Are you worried that the stranger
168
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,160
will be ugly, and/or a creep,
and/or a catfish?
169
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:57,360
-Yes.
-Are you worried the stranger
170
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,880
will think you're ugly and/or a creep?
171
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,160
-Yes.
-TOM: Nervous about having bad breath?
172
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:02,720
Well, I am now.
173
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,400
-Well, you don't.
-Not yet.
174
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,640
-Gross!
-Gross!
175
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,240
Not from sex, just if he, like,
maybe eats cured meats or...
176
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,280
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-(BARKS)
177
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,600
Go! Get!
178
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,920
MAN, ON TV: It is fearedthat up to 270 people are dead
179
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,480
after a passenger jet...
180
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,760
-Hi.
-Hello.
181
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,480
Hello. Erm, so I realised that I, erm...
Yeah, I don't know your name.
182
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,200
It's Ben.
183
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:31,000
Let me guess, you're a Quentin
or a Sebastian.
184
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,840
No, I'm Josh. Yeah. This is John.
185
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,200
Hello, dog.
186
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,880
Yeah, I have... Do you want a drink?
I have wine.
187
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,520
Just spare, just spare in
the cupboard, because I am an adult.
188
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,680
No, I don't drink.
189
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,480
There was a plane crash.
190
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,120
Two-hundred and seventy dead.
191
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,480
That's irresponsible.
192
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,120
-Yeah.
-Can we turn off the news?
193
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,040
Yeah. Shit! Sorry, yeah, right!
Yeah, it is, erm...
194
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,000
It is not hot. No.
195
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,280
Okay, erm... (HUFFS)
Tom, where's the remote?
196
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,960
-Terrorism is a factor...
-TOM: One thousand apologies.
197
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,160
...search for the black box recorder...
198
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,240
-Who's that?
-That's Tom, my housemate.
199
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:09,960
Is he hiding from me?
200
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,560
Yeah. Yeah, I made him hide.
201
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,560
Erm, you said you had pizza.
How was... How was your pizza?
202
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,480
Mmm. I never ordered it.
203
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,480
Well, what did you eat?
I mean, you need to eat!
204
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:20,800
I didn't eat dinner.
205
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,440
Okay, well, I can make you a snack.
206
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,440
That's a thing...
That's a thing I can do.
207
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,240
Okay. Wonderful!
208
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,040
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
209
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,600
-Sorry.
-That's okay.
210
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,120
Oh, I have puff pastry.
I can make a puff pastry pizza.
211
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,240
I don't think I've had anyone offer
to cook for me before a hook-up.
212
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,560
Er, yeah, okay, so, what it is,
213
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,240
is it's, erm, puff pastry,
but I was gonna turn it into a pizza.
214
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:52,400
It's a child's afternoon tea. It's
not, like, a grand romantic gesture.
215
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,200
I mean, maybe light a candle,
but an oven?
216
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,360
You know, I feel like Ted Hughes.
217
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,720
Yeah, no one knows who that is.
218
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:03,320
(SCOFFS) Ted Hughes.
He was married to Sylvia Plath.
219
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,360
-No.
-She wrote Daddy?
220
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,040
She gassed herself in the family oven.
221
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,680
-It was a joke.
-That is a horrible joke, isn't it?
222
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,520
Oh! Oh!
223
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,760
-Where's your bedroom?
-Er... Oh, erm...
224
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,040
Yeah.
225
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,920
Mmm, hey, what's this?
226
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,080
Ants kept coming in.
227
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,320
Well, are you gonna fix it?
228
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,480
I did.
229
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,160
Ugh!
230
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,040
Oh, Tom! Why is everything
in your room so sticky?
231
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,800
So many questions.
232
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,160
Oh, how long do I have to be in here?
I feel itchy!
233
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,160
Okay, so, if you're gonna
be in here the whole night,
234
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,160
you need to respect
that this is my space
235
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,560
and that you chose to enter it.
236
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,160
What are we gonna do all night?
237
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,440
I'm not going out.
238
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,960
I know, Tom. Relax.
239
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,200
-We could... Make out.
-Oh!
240
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,760
Kidding, obviously.
241
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,680
Mmm... No!
242
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,520
Jesus, Tom! You're just the worst person!
243
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,880
You have a girlfriend!
244
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:58,360
This didn't happen, okay?
245
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,240
Here.
246
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,080
What the hell is wrong with me?
247
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,280
Yeah, you're really off the rails.
248
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,480
Erm... I'm gonna need some help.
249
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,560
-Yeah.
-What can I do?
250
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,760
I just need you to undo
my little cuff buttons.
251
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,200
Thank you.
252
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,120
So, what do you do?
253
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:40,880
Really? You wanna know what I do?
254
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,440
Only, I just thought
it might be better than silence
255
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,440
whilst you undo
my little cuff buttons.
256
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,160
I'm a journalist.
257
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,320
Go on, yeah. I thought we stopped
doing that. No?
258
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,560
-Journalism?
-Yeah.
259
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,400
-You thought we stopped doing journalism?
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
260
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,640
I mostly write for people who can
take off their shirts all on their own.
261
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:57,920
-Oh.
-Yeah.
262
00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,480
Do you know what I love?
263
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,480
-BuzzFeed!
-(LAUGHS) Fucking...
264
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:10,800
Where do you live?
265
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,880
Northside. Not far from here.
266
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,960
Do you have any siblings?
267
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,720
I have two siblings,
a brother and a sister.
268
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,720
My sister just had a baby.
269
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,920
We don't know who the father is.
She's forgetful.
270
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,520
I'm an only child.
Do you have any pets?
271
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,720
All the questions you're asking
272
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,520
sound like we're in
English language classes.
273
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,440
Yeah, I just don't know you
well enough
274
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,960
to know what questions
lead somewhere interesting.
275
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,800
-I have a cat.
-Ah, that's a shame.
276
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,080
(CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES)
277
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,960
So, I invented this game
called "Penis or Not Penis."
278
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,000
No, thank you.
That sounds like a stupid game.
279
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:54,200
Okay, one of us thinks about a penis,
280
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,800
or something other than a penis,
281
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,600
and then the other person has to guess
282
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:01,600
whether they're thinking
about a penis or not penis.
283
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,720
Oh, my God.
How long does gay sex take?
284
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,520
I heard the shower,
which, from what I understand,
285
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,040
means they've had full intercourse
at least once.
286
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,880
Tom, what are we even doing?
I just don't know.
287
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,720
I don't know.
Hanging out, being awesome.
288
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,760
I feel like I just spent a month
locked in a room
289
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,800
to come back here
to get locked in another room.
290
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,360
(GROANS) You're being boring.
291
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,000
What, I'm being boring?
292
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,440
You don't even want
to leave the house!
293
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,320
-Whinge, whinge, whinge.
-Oh, whatever!
294
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,320
-Whinge, whinge, whinge.
-Fuck off!
295
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,800
-Josh is having fun.
-Josh is having sex!
296
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,600
-I'm having fun.
-Yeah, well,
297
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,400
you are very easily entertained.
You're like a puppy.
298
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,480
You could be more easily entertained.
299
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,440
You could create entertainment.
300
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,520
You could very easily find sex
on the Internet if you really wanted,
301
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,080
but you just keep waiting for more,
302
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,000
and I just don't think
there's any more, babe.
303
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,680
First you're like, "Oh, my life's
in Germany," so you go to Germany.
304
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,680
Then once you're in Germany,
you're like, "Oh, I'm so lonely."
305
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,200
Meanwhile I'm here,
306
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:07,000
I'm trying to create a lovely game
of Penis or Not Penis for us,
307
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:08,360
and you're just sitting there,
308
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,320
complaining again
that you're not somewhere else.
309
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,240
-Penis.
-Yes.
310
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,640
Yes! Okay,
311
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,560
fine, if we're gonna do
this, I want stakes.
312
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,000
First one to ten wins and then
the other person has to do a dare.
313
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:33,640
Great.
314
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,320
-Penis. (LAUGHS)
-Argh! Penis!
315
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,840
My housemates thought you look
like a serial killer.
316
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,760
-That's a big leap, isn't it?
-(JOSH LAUGHS)
317
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,040
To decide that I don't just look
like a murderer,
318
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,120
but that I've murdered multiple times.
319
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,720
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
320
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,520
When you saw me, did you think that
321
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,400
I looked cuter or less cute
than in my pictures?
322
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,160
I thought you were out of focus
in your picture,
323
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,920
but that's just your face.
324
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,680
You've got an out-of-focus face.
325
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,160
Really?
326
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,560
What did you think of me?
327
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,160
Er, equi-cute.
328
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,000
I like your face, though, to be clear.
I am enjoying it.
329
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,360
Yeah, I just prefer
not to bring it up, if that's okay.
330
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,840
People often ask if I'm an only child, but
331
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,480
mostly what they're actually asking is,
332
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,040
"Do you realise you're being a jerk?"
333
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,480
No, you know that's not
an only-child thing, okay?
334
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,480
I'm lovely.
Lots of people say that.
335
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,360
They say, "Josh is just lovely."
336
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,600
When I was little, my parents had me
tested for Asperger's.
337
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,160
Oh, yeah, I can see that.
338
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,760
-Not penis.
-Damn it!
339
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,200
(LAUGHS) Yes.
340
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,760
(GRUNTS)
341
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:10,880
Okay.
342
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:12,680
Mmm.
343
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,120
-Not penis?
-Penis.
344
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,360
This is dumb! You can lie!
345
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:22,680
It's an honesty system.
346
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,400
I wanna write it down.
347
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,040
No, no, no. It's full trust.
348
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,800
-There's too much at stake for trust.
-It doesn't make a difference.
349
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,200
I can just write down "penis"
350
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,360
and then not think about penis
to trick you.
351
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:33,840
There is no way that you can tell
352
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,640
if someone is thinking about penis or not.
353
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,320
You can't. I can. That's why I'm winning.
354
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,800
(LAUGHS) Okay.
355
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,040
-Not penis.
-Boom! Penis!
356
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,800
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-Yeah?
357
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,760
Hey. Sorry to interrupt.
358
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,360
Can I please have permission
to go to the toilet?
359
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,200
Yes.
360
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:02,560
Thank you, kind sir.
361
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,920
(CLAIRE LAUGHS)
362
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,080
Yeah, Tom lost a dare, yeah.
363
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,680
-Tom's a babe.
-No.
364
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,080
(VIBRATES)
365
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:22,840
Who's that?
366
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,160
Boyfriend. It's my boyfriend.
367
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,680
-Okay. Right.
-We're open.
368
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:30,960
How long have you been together?
369
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,760
Erm, a few months.
370
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,960
How long do you think you'll be together?
371
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,400
(LAUGHS) Erm... I don't know, yeah.
372
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,200
I think he wants to be together
forever, which scares me a lot.
373
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,680
I don't, erm... I don't want to be
together with anyone forever.
374
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,800
Is he more in love with you
than you are with him?
375
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,280
No, no, not at all.
376
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:53,600
I'm less capable of love, maybe,
but I'm definitely very into him.
377
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,360
Do you have a boyfriend?
378
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,080
No.
379
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,520
Have you ever been in love?
380
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,920
In high school I was actually
in love with my best friend, Eddie,
381
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,160
even though I was convinced
he was straight.
382
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,080
One day he kissed me
and we started having sex.
383
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,680
Yes! Hot!
384
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,040
I've always regretted not having
gay sex when I was a teenager.
385
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,400
Eddie would always say that he wasn't gay,
386
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,760
-that he just wanted to practise.
-Mmm.
387
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,520
He wouldn't touch me outside
of sex for the first few weeks.
388
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,720
I mean, that is the dream, isn't it?
389
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:23,960
To have sex with Eddie and then
390
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,120
get all tortured
that he doesn't love you back.
391
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,400
Mmm, kind of.
392
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,160
Gradually we got closer and closer,
393
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,800
and one night at a party
I was sucking his dick in a bed...
394
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,280
-Whoo, whoo!
-Yeah.
395
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,840
Yeah, boy!
396
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,040
-Whoo!
-This dickhead...
397
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,960
-Yeah!
-This dickhead guy, okay, walked in
398
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,800
and started shouting and telling
everyone to come and see.
399
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,440
Eddie told everyone... (SIGHS)
400
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,000
That he was passed out
and that I raped him,
401
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,000
which was unhelpful.
402
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,560
We never spoke again.
403
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,080
He committed suicide when he was 19
404
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,200
and I didn't find that out
till three years later,
405
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,640
but since your question was,
"Have you ever been in love?"
406
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,400
And not, "Will you please tell me
a deeply horrific story?"
407
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,560
I'll just answer, yes, I think so,
to a boy in high school.
408
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,160
I don't know what to say to that.
409
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,320
I've never told anyone that.
410
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:22,920
Why me?
411
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,200
I assume I'll never see you again.
412
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,360
(PHONE VIBRATES)
413
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,760
Tell me something
you've never told anyone else.
414
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,920
In Year 5 I stole my teacher's brooch.
415
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,160
Why?
416
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,360
-For the rush of the crime.
-What happened?
417
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,080
She told the whole class
that it was her dead mother's
418
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,640
and that if the thief gave it back,
she would not be angry.
419
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:45,960
Did you give it back?
420
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,440
I buried it in the dirt.
421
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,320
-You're a monster!
-Yes.
422
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,640
Wow. Now answer the question
like an adult.
423
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:53,840
Nope!
424
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,360
No, just run through
some things in your mind
425
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,920
and when you get to a bit
that makes you go, "Oh, fuck,"
426
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,680
or makes you feel weird
in your tummy, tell me that.
427
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,880
Okay, I'm an only child, right?
428
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:12,640
Only-child issues, of course.
429
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,360
No, listen, thank you.
So, my dad...
430
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,640
Father issues, is that it?
431
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,480
Will you stop categorising me, okay?
I will not be categorised.
432
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:23,200
I'm sorry. You're an untamed bouquet
of emotions.
433
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:27,520
Well, so my dad, he's not very good
at communicating with me,
434
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,320
so instead he just talks about chores...
435
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,240
No, that's not a thing. No.
436
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:34,800
Well, is he a bad dad?
437
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,320
-He's a good dad.
-Did he ever hit you?
438
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,840
I mean, he is actually just so lovely.
439
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,560
Right, you are bad at this.
440
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:42,760
Yeah!
441
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,960
It's just it's complicated, okay?
Like, I...
442
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,160
I don't know how to articulate it,
443
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,120
'cause anything I would say about him
I would then disagree with, okay? So,
444
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,120
right, so, my dad broke up with my mum.
445
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,720
Whatever. Er,
446
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,680
and then she became bipolar.
447
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,360
Well, maybe she was always bipolar.
I don't know.
448
00:20:58,440 --> 00:20:59,880
I don't really understand that bit. And...
449
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,960
I definitely think
he made the right decision,
450
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:08,200
but sometimes I accidentally think
451
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,440
my mum's mental illness
is my dad's fault.
452
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,360
Ah, but I don't actually think that.
453
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,440
I have a cerebral aneurysm.
454
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,280
Oh, fuck off! You really kept that
in your back pocket!
455
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:20,560
-Yeah.
-Yeah!
456
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,160
But you should know
that I don't know what that is.
457
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,120
Is it a bad thing? Yeah, I'm guessing
here it's bad, yeah?
458
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,320
It's a bad thing, yeah.
459
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,680
It's basically a weak spot
in an artery in my brain,
460
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,440
and... I don't know,
it's not precise science,
461
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,480
but perhaps one day
I could be doing something
462
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,520
and the aneurysm will rupture
and I'll die.
463
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,200
-Yeah, that is a bad thing.
-Mmm.
464
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,040
-That is the worst thing!
-Yes.
465
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,440
-Good evening.
-Oh, my God. You have to leave.
466
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,080
-(TOM LAUGHS)
-Erm, actually I can't
467
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,880
for 15, 14, 13,
468
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,200
-12, 11...
-Get out!
469
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,120
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
470
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,160
six, five, four...
471
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,680
-Three, two, one!
-Two, one.
472
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,720
-Fare thee well.
-Fare thee well!
473
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,720
Feel free to serial-kill them, by the way,
474
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,280
if that is actually something
you enjoy doing.
475
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,440
No, I wouldn't want to take
an only child's friend
476
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,920
so close to Christmas, would I?
477
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:15,440
Oh, okay, so I just really need you
to explain to me
478
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,760
what you mean
by a weak spot in your artery.
479
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,680
I think "weak spot" is quite clear.
480
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,960
Aren't you just so terrified?
481
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,080
When I turned up here and saw you,
482
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,120
I thought, "What if I die in his bed?
483
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,640
"He'd have to meet my mum."
484
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,720
Then I wondered if my mum
would approve of you.
485
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,920
Yeah, I don't think she would,
to be honest.
486
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,400
One time I put peanut butter
on my face and let John lick it off.
487
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,280
Yeah. Not as a sex thing, thank you!
It just made me giggle.
488
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,880
Man, I would not have been able to do
that if I had a cerebral aneurysm!
489
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,480
(CHUCKLING) "Ce-ree-bral."
490
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,160
"Ce-ra-bral" is incorrect.
491
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,600
See, my mum would be
so disappointed.
492
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:52,960
Yeah.
493
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,360
Do you really wanna
be wasting time on semantics?
494
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,120
No.
495
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,560
I'm not getting dressed
as a hint for you to leave, okay?
496
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,360
I just can't sleep without clothes on,
so I'm getting dressed.
497
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,440
You started looking at me weirdly
ever since I told you
498
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,040
my brain could explode at any moment
and I might die.
499
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,600
-Yeah!
-Yeah.
500
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,160
Yeah, I think that's fair.
501
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,320
-Good night.
-I have to leave early in the morning.
502
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,880
-It was nice to meet you.
-It was nice to meet you.
503
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:35,920
ARNOLD: Should I go to the mall?
504
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,480
What do you want to do at the mall?
505
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,320
I don't know, just look around.
Maybe buy something.
506
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,320
I could just not go, though.
507
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,160
Well, what would you do
if you don't go?
508
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:46,520
Mmm...
509
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,560
Probably get something to eat.
510
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,600
I could have a nap. I'm also quite tired.
511
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,880
What time do you come home, 3:00-ish?
512
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,560
3:00-ish? I don't know.
513
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:03,520
Okay, well, what are the pros and cons
of going to the mall?
514
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,720
Okay, pro,
it'd be fun to buy something.
515
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:08,960
Mmm-hmm.
516
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,120
Con, I just don't know
if I can be bothered.
517
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,720
Yeah, no, don't go to the mall.
518
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,520
-No, I won't go.
-No.
519
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,520
I'll go home, but not yet.
I'll stay here for a bit.
520
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,480
Okay, yeah, good.
Glad we had this chat.
521
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,520
-Good meeting.
-Good meeting!
39577
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