All language subtitles for Please Like Me s03e05_English

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

(CROWS)

-Oh, no.
-(SIGHS)

Adele's a rooster. Adele is a man.

Oh, no. I can't deal with her today.

She can just be a girl for another day.

-Hello?
-JOSH: Claire!

(GRUNTS) So, thanks
for picking me up, you dicks!

Taxi driver kept calling me princess
and he sang A Whole New World to me.

Arnold and I are coming down.
We took drugs.

Tom broke his wrist.
It was all very exciting.

Oh, God, it's not a whole new world,
is it? It's the same world.

The only difference
is that now I've got no money!

It's nice to finally meet you, Arnold.

Mmm. You're very pretty.

Yeah, okay.

♪ One, two
One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
-♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪
-♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind
I'll be fine ♪

(CROWS)

Why won't she learn?

Maybe she has all the answers
and just can't get it out?

No, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure she's just...
Just yelling,

"I'm a fucking dude! I'm a fucking du...

"Wake up everybody
and check out my mohawk!"

Okay, I'm sectioning off
this bit of the cast.

This is my bit, okay?

Everyone else can be boring
in their section, but this is mine.

-I own it, okay?
-Yes. It's yours.

Okay, so, I'm gonna write your dreams
on it. Tell me your dreams.

I don't really have any dreams.

What are your dreams, Thomas?

Lately I've been thinking

about how I really wanna go
on a water jetpack.

Water... Jetpack.

I am writing it down

because I believe that
it's a legitimate dream,

but they can't all be this silly, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay, next dream?

I don't know! I just... I don't have
any dreams worth writing down.

If you can't be real about this, Tom,

then this section of the cast
is gonna be left blank

and everybody's gonna think

that you just don't have enough
friends to fill a cast.

So... Be a shame, wouldn't it?

We'll continue this tomorrow.

So, I think I'm in love with Adele,
the transgender chicken.

Yeah. Yeah, I am just so in love with her.

CLAIRE: What are our options?

We can take her back to the farm.

They will kill her,
but we do get a refund.

$15, which we'll probably use
to buy a roast chicken.

-Delicious.
-Mmm-hmm.

Or we can Google how
to kill her humanely,

kill her and eat her.

Do you think we could
even enjoy eating her?

No. No, we will just be so sad.

Well, you've always said that
you wanted to raise your own meat.

You've always pontificated about how
disconnected society is from meat.

-Did I? Was that me?
-Oh, yeah.

Like, "Meat is so pre-packaged
and neat, but meat isn't neat.

"Meat is messy,
and you think it's noble

"is to kill and eat your own meat."

Yeah, but not Adele! Adele's such a babe.

I think that she's had a better life

than most of the chickens
we've eaten, so I think it's okay.

I think it is just okay that we eat her.

I mean, we just have to, yeah?

I've really been pontificating
about it for years.

Hey.

Arnold, I think we're gonna eat Adele.

Yeah.

It's not right.

She shouldn't have to die
just because she was born a man.

It's like China, but in reverse.

If we're gonna eat her on Sunday,
then we have to kill her on Saturday.

TOM: What?

Oh, Tom. We have some bad news.

No, no, no.
It's the best thing we can do...

-No!
-Yes.

-I'm out.
-Can't be out.

-Can't we just get her desexed?
-No, that's not a thing.

You're not killing Adele!

It's time to put on
your big-boy pants and kill Adele.

Tom, if we don't kill Adele,
then a stranger will kill Adele,

and we can't let a stranger kill Adele.

I wouldn't want you
to let a stranger kill me.

You can't kill Adele
in front of Shakira and Beyoncé.

I don't want Shakira and Beyoncé
to live in fear.

We need a cone to stop her from
running around, so that's a fun job.

You and I can go heist a traffic cone.

Big-boy pants time.

-Whatever.
-Don't you dare give me a job.

Okay, Claire, we're gonna build
an isolation cage.

An isolation cage?

Um, we need to isolate Adele
for 24 hours before we kill her

so that she doesn't eat.

-What?
-That's not a very fun job.

(LAUGHING)

I don't have a chance with you.

Yeah, we should even things up.
I should be handicapped in some way.

I'll get the axe.

It is awful, yeah? Like, I don't just
think it's awful 'cause it's my mum?

What do you think of my orchid?

Good things. It is a good orchid.

My psychiatrist makes me keep it
so I learn to trust myself.

-Right.
-Orchids are very hardy, actually, Hannah.

They do very well
on their own in the wild.

Maybe I should just release it.

-JOSH: I killed an orchid once.
-Did it help you learn to trust yourself?

No.

I thought you might bring
Claire for a visit.

No. Um, she is...

She's jetlagged. She's all jetlagged.

They say it takes four times as long

for the soul to reach
the same destination as the body.

So, when you arrive at your destination,
your soul takes days to catch up.

What a lovely thought.

Is that a lovely thought?

Is it lovely to imagine Claire's soul
drifting all alone across the ocean?

Don't be sarcastic, Joshie.

He's okay.
He's just testing the boundaries.

Two men in the house and all that.

(CHUCKLES) No.

Stuart, honestly, you

feel free to inhabit all the boundaries.

I chose a dog from the pound once,
I called it Dipstick

and on the way home from the pound,

Dipstick jumped off my lap,
out the open window,

and under an oncoming truck,

and Dad just kept driving.

We never spoke of it again.

(CROWS)

Remember when we were high on MDMA
and Ella asked us about monogamy?

Yes.

I just...
I've always thought monogamy was archaic,

like, an unnecessary pressure
on relationships.

You wanna go and have sex
with other boys?

I really like sex. I think that's okay.

You like sex. Sex is fun.

And as long as we're smart and safe,
there's, like, negligible risk.

Can you tell me what you're thinking?

Uh...

I think this sounds like
a shit deal for me,

you going off
and having fun sex with other boys.

You know I have nothing on.

It's only if we're out of town
or whatever

and I would never replace time
with you for time with another boy.

Is it 'cause you're going
on a maths summit? Is that why?

-No.
-Is this a pre-maths summit chat?

ARNOLD: (CHUCKLES) No.

What if you go off and have some sex
with some maths genius

and then you fall in love
with the maths genius?

I'm not gonna fall in love
with a maths genius.

All I know is A-squared
plus B-squared equals C-squared.

Is that even good?
Is that a good thing to know?

Honestly, whether we're open or not
isn't gonna protect you

from me falling in love
with some maths genius.

If... If I find someone better
than you, then that's just tough.

I don't know!

Can you give me an example...
An example of a dream?

Okay, so, I would like to be a teacher
in a rough neighbourhood

who makes all the students realise
that hip-hop is the same as poetry

and then they rap Shakespeare to me
as a surprise.

-Yeah, that's good. Put that down.
-No! You can't have my dream.

Sometimes I fantasise about being a hero

in a plane crash or a fire,

but then that seems like a selfish dream

because it means people have
to get hurt just so I can feel tough.

-Okay, I'll just write "be masculine".
-Not that!

Okay, so, we've got water jetpack,
being able to eat bread,

and feeling masculine.

Yeah, I'm quite happy with that, actually.

Why are there two orchids?

Oh!
I'm gonna join you in the orchid task.

-No!
-Yes.

No. This is not a team-building exercise.

Oh...

It's a Phalaenopsis bloom.

It's even the same as mine.

Yeah, 'cause it's the same flower.

What, you don't even know the name
of your own orchid?

-It's Michael.
-Oh.

Ella's staying over again, again?

-I just have no idea what's going on.
-Is she homeless?

Maybe, or maybe she just likes Tom.

Equally concerning.

You could have told me that Tom's
got another annoying girlfriend.

-Oh, come on. She's all right.
-She's exhausting.

(FAKE ACCENT) "Oh, my name's Illa!

"Let's go skupping at the beach
and have brik-fast at mud-night!"

-(LAUGHS)
-Not exactly a new way to be, is it?

-I can hear you.
-(GASPS)

I wasn't trying to, it's just
that there aren't any doors

between where you are
and where I was, and I have ears.

-I'm so sorry!
-No, it's fine, really.

You see?
It's like watching a Disney princess

trying to make it in the modern world.

What the actual hell?
I can still hear you with my ears!

Sorry!

(CROWS)

Okay, so, you know when you were a kid
and you thought you had to grow up

and marry a girl and have kids
and how you wanted that?

No, I never wanted kids.
I resented even being a child.

And then you slowly realised
that wasn't possible

and everything you'd imagined
for your future just fell away?

Yes, okay.

Well, now we get to make our own rules.

Monogamy is like
the Bigfoot of adult life.

Everyone claims to know someone
who knew someone

who knew a couple
that did it successfully,

but it doesn't exist.

Okay. I agree.

I just... I never want us
to wake up next to each other

and think, "Ugh! You again."

(LAUGHS) Yes, okay.
I heard you and I said I agreed.

-Okay, good.
-Okay.

Josh?

Josh?

Claire?

Guys?

Hey. Hey, Adele. Hey. It's all right.

Yes, Adele, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry, it's just gonna
be really gross to eat you

if you've already eaten, okay? I'm sorry!

Try harder climbing up the food chain.

Ella's refusing to come over anymore.

You two really fucked me.

I had a tiny light of happiness
and you stamped it out.

Was she really upset?

She's not coming to eat or kill
Adele anymore thanks to you.

How long do you think
you're gonna be angry like this for?

-At least three more minutes.
-Can we just skip it?

-I want something as an apology.
-What do you want?

-Chocolate mousse.
-Okay, we'll make you chocolate mousse.

TOM: Good. Thank you.

Oh, Tom! Josh has agreed to an open
relationship with Arnold, so...

Oh, my God! Yes! High-five!

No, I don't know.
I don't know if high-five.

I wonder if Ella would want
an open relationship.

-She's cool. She's so cool!
-Ugh! Okay, I'm going back inside.

I promise I will text Ella and
I will be incredibly nice to her.

I will be so nice!

Is it just me, or is Claire being
crazy about Ella?

No, she is not in love with you.

Everyone wants my 'D'! It is exhausting!

-Am I right?
-No.

-I'm right!
-Nobody wants it.

(TOM LAUGHS)

Hey, lady.

Hey, lady.

Oh, I got rid of your shower gel

'cause Josh told me that
those plastic microbeads

are getting into the fish gills.

Tea always makes me feel better, Michael.

TOM: What did you do today?

Spent most of the day hating Claire.

She sounded so hateful,
made me feel so frivolous.

Yeah, she's been weird
since she got back.

She's usually not awful.

And then I read about slaves.

The world is broken, Tom.

Do you know there are
more slaves now than ever?

21 million.

And they make things we buy.

Like, we directly fund it all the time.

-Yeah, I know.
-Do you care?

Yeah. I buy Fair Trade chocolate.

Oh! I like that it tastes less
like poor people's tears.

I really cared!
I thought, "This won't do."

And then 10 minutes later
I'd moved on to looking at

Claire's Facebook page and hating her.

And then she accepted my friend request,

so I moved on and spent half an hour

looking at viral marketing videos
aimed at women,

telling women they're beautiful
just the way they are

and then trying to sell them
concealer or yoghurt.

Why do they only sell yoghurt to women?

Like, men eat yoghurt!
My dad, he loves yoghurt.

-I like yoghurt.
-Gay.

(CHUCKLES)

I signed an online petition

trying to give women in Saudi Arabia
the right to drive,

so don't worry, Tom, that's sorted.

Fixed that. Between Hermione and me,
feminism's basically fixed.

Yeah, good job.

Like, I did it all thinking I was
helping solve the world's issues,

but I wasn't, was I?

I didn't achieve anything.
Kony never seemed bothered.

I was just jerking off my soul,

trying to glean a smug self-satisfaction

from other people's pain.

I convinced myself that I was doing good,

but really I was just using
other people's pain

as an accessory
to make me look cool and nice,

trying to convince myself and the world
that I'm a better person than Claire.

Do you think I'm just the worst,

using the world's problems
to make me feel better

about a mean thing
that a pretty girl said?

Um, I don't think you're the worst.

I think you're the best. Like custard.

I mean, I just don't know what to think.

Maybe it helped.

In democracy, if you want change,
you have to change people's minds,

and people look at the Internet.

-People like cats now.
-Fuck cats!

After all that, Claire called,
and she sounded pretty,

and she invited me to come
and kill Adele, which was nice,

and I pretended not to care about the fact
that she used Disney against me.

Okay, um...

You know that you're,
like, so pretty, right?

I would bang every Disney princess.

-Nala? You wanna bang Nala?
-Not Nala! Only humans.

So, you wouldn't bang
the Little Mermaid when she was a mermaid?

Well, obviously I'd bang Ariel.

Oh, I hate the fact that
I'm more annoyed about it

because she's pretty!

That shouldn't matter.

-Hey, baby.
-Oh, thank God you're here.

I was about to feed
Adele a bit of octopus,

but I'm not allowed to.
It's against the rules.

Octopus is, like, the most
intelligent creature on Earth.

You can't feed it to a chicken. That'd be
like letting Pitbull eat Nietzsche.

-Dog breed or the singer?
-Does it matter?

I've just, like, fallen deeply
in love with this little lady.

Are you ready to come inside now?

She just looks so lonely.

Yeah. You put her in an isolation cage.

(CROWS)

Hey. Hey.

So, this is...

This is still happening?

Yeah.

'Cause I just realised that you
haven't realised that this is insane,

and usually you would
have realised by now.

Okay, so, there's two ways
that we can do this.

We either just cut her head clean off

or we stick in the knife
and we just cut the jugular.

The jugular way is better,
only if you do it right, though,

and as this is our first time,
I think we should cut her head off.

-Okay, everyone heard that, yeah?
-Tom, I need you to hold the cone.

-I don't think I can, actually!
-I can hold it.

Adele, you're being such a trooper.

Okay.

-There you go.
-Fuck!

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Okay.

-We love meat, yeah?
-Mmm-hmm.

We love meat. Circle of life.
Hakuna matata, yeah?

-Yeah? Tom?
-Yeah.

Okay.

Josh, it's time, yeah?

-Hey, head out, head out.
-Oh!

No! No!

Well, do it or take her out of the thing!

Yes.

Okay. Okay.

Here we go.

-Argh!
-Come on!

-Just do it, Josh!
-TOM: Just do it!

No! Actually, no, thank you.
Yeah, not today! No, thanks!

Okay, fine! (GRUNTS)

-(FLAPPING)
-She's not dead, she's not dead!

She's dead, okay? She's just twitching.

She doesn't have a head.
She's not feeling anything.

-You did it, eh? Good job.
-Yeah.

You did it, eh? I'll take Adele, yeah?

(SOBS) I just...

Get me something to wipe the blood on?

-I'm on it.
-CLAIRE: Thanks.

(CRYING)

Your orchid's leaves
are going yellow, Hannah.

Is that bad? I thought it was cute.

Oh, you've just overwatered it.

I told you they thrive
on neglect, didn't I?

I've failed Michael.

It's a good thing
I'm never gonna be a parent.

What, never?

Never ever.

That's a shame, with those hips.

You think it's a shame I'm not having
kids because my hips are large?

-You got hips for Australia.
-(LAUGHS)

No use for 'em.

Oh, it is a shame, isn't it?

It's like my hormones
pulled a real swiftie!

They thought, "Let's make this one

"into the ultimate baby-carrying vessel."

Then they gave me absolutely
no desire to make one.

As if they think
I'm gonna get pregnant in the desert.

-Like a camel.
-Oh, come on! Hannah's not a camel.

Now, whoever put me together
didn't budget, did they?

Like, oh, I'm like a walking graph
for the distribution of wealth, aren't I?

All the poor people! Donald Trump!

Hold on, Hannah.
It wasn't my intention to upset you.

Oh, don't be so modest, Stuart.
You meant it.

You just didn't expect
that I'd retaliate.

You know, usually sprinkle
a little shame and a woman will wilt.

Isn't that right, Stuart?

Come on, Hannah.
He said he didn't mean it.

-Why are you defending him?
-I'm trying to be neutral.

Just settle down.

It's just an observation.

Didn't know you'd be so sensitive, did I?

Didn't know you wanted kids.

I don't want children.

What I want is you not to think about it.
It's none of your business!

Do you go up to people
in wheelchairs and say,

"Oh, you should get a desk job,
you've got half the furniture?"

CLAIRE: (PANTING) Okay,
I have some stuff I want to say

and I don't want you to make fun.

JOSH: okay.

Um, I've been very lonely.

Okay, not fun, not fun.

No, um, I actually went three days

and I only spoke to one person,

and it was the woman
who owned the fruit shop,

and she asked me what I wanted to
cook and then called me 'Liebling',

and I was so happy for the entire night,

because someone who didn't want
to fuck me called me a nice name,

and so I went back every week
and bought vegetables I didn't need,

and eventually I had to throw
the vegetables away

because I had no-one to cook them for.

Okay, I do not know
what you want me to say

if I'm not allowed to make fun of that.

I just don't understand how it was shit.

Like, how was moving to Europe
to work a bad plan?

It's a good plan.
It's a plan that interesting people make.

Is it, or is it a choice
people pretend is interesting

when they're on the phone
to their parents?

Can you just shut up and indulge me?

Just indulge me for, like, five minutes?

No, no, we don't indulge each other.

I'm not indulging. No.

-You're not gonna indulge me?
-Nah.

-Okay, fine, great. Runs over, then.
-All right.

-Wait, no.
-No?

-Um... Guess what?
-Um, you are moving to Germany.

No. I'm pregnant. In my belly.

There is a human forming in my belly

and I have to get an abortion, obviously.

I refuse to feel bad about it
because they are just cells

and every time they decide to multiply

they are making a horrible decision
and they need to be stopped.

Okay, right. Fuck!

Yeah.
We aren't telling anyone else about this.

I need someone to go to the clinic with
and you're the best that I have.

Yeah. Sure. Whatever you like.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-Well, that's done.
-Yeah.

-I told you, so...
-Okay. Still running?

-Yep!
-Oh.

Okay, should we, um...

Should we, like, say something, you know?

-Grace?
-Yeah, let's say grace.

-No, we don't say grace.
-We don't say grace.

Maybe we can just, like, hold hands
and say thank you for Adele.

-That's grace.
-No, actually.

It's just holding hands
and saying thank you for Adele.

Not grace.

Thank you, Adele, for giving up your
life so that we can continue ours.

Well, she hardly gave it up.
We stuffed her in a cone.

Okay.

Let's say nice things about her.

I like how friendly she always was.

No, don't remind me she was friendly!

(SIGHS)

♪ I heard that you settled down ♪

♪ That you found a girl ♪

♪ And you're married now ♪

♪ I heard that your dreams came true ♪

ALL: ♪ Guess she gave you things

♪ I couldn't give to you ♪

♪ Old friend ♪

♪ Why are you so shy? ♪

♪ Ain't like you to hold back ♪

♪ Or hide from the light ♪

♪ I hate to turn up
out of the blue uninvited ♪

♪ But I couldn't stay away
I couldn't fight it ♪

♪ I hoped you'd see my face
and that you'd be reminded ♪

♪ That for me it isn't over ♪

♪ Never mind
I'll find someone like you ♪

♪ I wish nothing but the best
for you too ♪

♪ Don't forget me, I beg ♪

♪ I remember you said ♪

♪ Sometimes it lasts in love
but sometimes it hurts instead ♪

♪ Sometimes it lasts in love
but sometimes it hurts instead ♪