All language subtitles for Please Like Me s03e04_English

-Did you swallow it?
-Yeah, I swallowed it.

-Josh!
-It's in you?

It's in my tummy.

I'm sick of you just
swallowing things all the time.

Now it's in you, like,
pressuring us like a time bomb.

No, don't put this on me, okay.
You do what you like.

-I like maths.
-It's not maths.

We're all making our own individual
choices about recreational drugs.

Of course we have to do it now.
What else would we do?

Yeah, just sit around
watching you be high?

You'll embarrass yourself.

-I will not embarrass myself.
-You will. You will.

You'll be there
writhing around in ecstasy,

making out with the sofa cushions.

Now you've both done it!

A bit worried that you think making out
with sofa cushions

is a big part of what's about to happen.

-Just do it, Arnold. Go.
-If you want.

Will you guys think I'm not cool
if I don't do it?

I don't think there's any chance
of anyone in this room

being cooler than
anyone else in this room.

Whatever. You know you're
the coolest one in the group.

-No, I'm not.
-I didn't actually think that.

I just wanted to see
if you'd agree if I said it out loud.

Okay, I can do this.

-We're young, we're hot.
-You think we're hot?

You've got your whole life ahead
of you to get back on track.

I don't know what my regrets
will be when I'm 93.

Could be taking this pill,
it could be not taking this pill.

Josh. It will be Josh.

I'm not losing control,
I'm taking control.

Taking control
of being a real fun party guy.

-Yeah.
-It's stuck. (COUGHS)

-Oh, gosh, get him something.
-How can it be stuck?

-I was just taking pills!
-Drink the water.

(COUGHS) That's not water!

-Oh.
-Not water.

Oh, yeah, that's old Riesling. Sorry.

-(COUGHS)
-Is it down?

It's down. (SIGHS)

How long till it kicks in?

-Thirty minutes at least.
-Thirty minutes?

Or, or... Or, because you have
the build of a sparrow, maybe faster.

Yeah.

-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-You all right, buddy?

Oh, no Tom, you can't touch him
while he's freaking out.

Can't touch him when he's relaxed,
can't touch him when he's freaking out.

-When can I touch him?
-I'm fine.

What do we do now?

I think we just wait.

So, the main risk with MDMA, apart
from being sold something dodgy,

is that it can dehydrate you.

I thought the main risk was it would
just make me too good at dancing.

Okay, fine, we'll drink some water.

-It's not that easy!
-Why?

People sometimes drown because
they know they have to drink water

and then they drink too much.

-They drown?
-Yeah, they drown!

Okay, well, then we'll take a little
bottle and we can track our intake.

What if it gives me an erection?

(SCOFFS) It won't!

Not really our problem, is it?
You got your little quote?

A ship in the harbour is safe,
but that's not what ships are built for.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

-(COUGHS)
-Oh, God, Arnold...

Um, hey, they're nice shoes.

-Thanks.
-Where'd you get them?

Um, a store.

What store?

-My mum bought them.
-What colour are they?

They're brown.

I'm trying to make him conscious
of his reality,

so he snaps out of his panic.

-They're brown.
-I Googled it.

-I don't think it's going to work.
-It won't.

I know when people are trying
and it just makes me panic more.

Okay. Arnold, on a scale of one
to 10, how elastic is Josh's face?

Nine.

Uh, one being quite firm,
10 being like a deflated balloon.

Nine. Very elastic. Very elastic face.

-What do you think about Tom's chest hair?
-It's fine.

-You don't think it's patchy?
-Sure, but it's fine.

-But my face isn't fine?
-It's fine. I like your face.

-I think you're hot.
-Just very elastic?

-Like an expensive cheese.
-Or like a cheap cheese.

Or like Benjamin Button
in his weird phase.

Okay, so some people die
when they take drugs like this

because they're allergic, but some
people die when they eat peanuts,

so that's not my major concern.
(SIGHS)

I'm going to get us bottles of water.

Is he okay?

I think he's just gonna be fine.
How are you?

-I am so terrified.
-I'm just so terrified!

(BOTH LAUGH)

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
-♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪
-♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind
I'll be fine ♪

My God, yes. This is...
I'm just so happy. Warm.

Oh, Lord. Okay, we have to...

So, I just quickly want to say,

Josh, I really
appreciate your friendship.

Yeah, that was very good.

Okay, um, can we do this
all the time?

Arnold, so happy to have you in our lives,

and that you make my friend happy.

Oh, my God, yes. Tom, I'm just so happy.

Yeah, and Josh, I... (STAMMERS)

-I'm going to call your dad.
-Don't call my dad.

No, I feel like we've bonded,
and I'm worried about him and...

Yeah, we should check on him.

You know, in a way,
I feel like he's calling me.

No, Arnold, Tom's not being nice
to my dad, he's teasing my dad.

No, I'm... I am not sure.
(SCOFFS)

No, don't call my dad.

My God, guys, you should
run your hands through your hair.

It feels like a million tiny masseuses
just going at it on your head.

(PHONE RINGING)

(MOBILE RINGS)

-Who is that?
-(MOANS) Ignore it.

No, I don't think we should.
It could be an emergency.

-Please can we ignore it?
-No. No. Ah!

Ooh...

-Hello?
-TOM: Mae, it's Tom.

Oh. It's Tom.

-Tom?
-Yeah.

-Oh, shit. Something must be up.
-See?

(STAMMERS) Hi, Tom, this is Alan.

It's Tom.

Yeah, hi. What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing. Everything is great.

Oh, Okay. Well, hi. Why did you call?

-Why did I call?
-Yeah.

Um, just checking on you.

Oh, that's nice of you.

It is nice of me, isn't it?

-Very nice.
-(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Um, look I'm just
with Mae at the moment.

We're really sorting things out,
so I'd better get back to it, okay?

-Okay. Bye-bye.
-Bye.

Oh.

(SONG PLAYING ON STEREO)

-(MOUTHS LYRICS)
-♪ Sylvia ♪

♪ Yes, Mickey ♪

♪ How do you call your lover boy? ♪

♪ Come here, lover boy ♪

♪ And if he doesn't answer? ♪

♪ Oh, lover boy ♪

♪ And if he still doesn't answer? ♪

♪ I simply say ♪

(ALL SINGING ALONG)
♪ Baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ My sweet baby ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ Baby ♪

Oh, my God, guys. Let's go out.

(CHUCKLES) You two are perfect.

We need to show you off
to the world, like the royal baby.

I know being kicked out of home
would have been really hard,

but we're so happy to have you.

Good things always come out
of bad things. Always, always.

And, like, I just...

I really feel like together, we've
created a lovely little household.

I wish we could just fly there.

Imagine if we all flew there in a pack
and then everyone knew about it,

but we would just be really humble.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

-This is brilliant.
-Just so good.

Hey, guys? Watch this.

-Oh, yes.
-So talented.

Oh, okay. Making out. That's good.
You should do that. That's great.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

-Hi, I'm Ella!
-Tom.

-Josh.
-ARNOLD: Arnold.

We're taking MDMA for the first time.

Fun! I'm here with work friends.

They keep talking about CrossFit.

-Yuck.
-(ELLA RETCHES)

-I don't do any exercise, ever.
-Good!

Have you ever done MDMA?

Yes. Yes, I have.

What do you think
should be our next adventure?

-Let's go for a run?
-Sure!

We have to run!

I have to go. I'm very busy.

-(TOM GROANS)
-Ella! Ella, come back!

-Shit! Shit!
-Tom. Babe. Hi.

-Can you do me a favour?
-Yeah.

Don't look at your arm, okay?

-Oh, no, Josh!
-That's Tom.

-Oh, no, Tom! Did you hit your head?
-Yeah.

Okay, we should call an ambulance,

because a guy that I knew
hit his head once

and he thought it was nothing, and
then his brain swelled and he died.

-Oh, no.
-He wasn't very likeable.

Also, we should call an ambulance 'cause
Tom's arm is not going the right way.

-ARNOLD: On it.
-How did you fall?

I don't know. The ground was there
and then it wasn't there any more.

Did it look cool?

He looked like a giraffe
being tranquilised.

(CHUCKLES) What should I do?

Kiss me. You should kiss me.

Hi! My friend, his arm's facing not
the right way and he hit his head.

He's Josh's best friend
but he's my friend as well.

So, how is everybody doing?

Tom keeps holding my hand.

Why are you holding Arnold's hand, Tom?

It's nice.

-Are you okay with that, Arnold?
-Yeah.

Thank you so much for driving us, Evan.

-Yeah, thanks for driving us, Evan.
-(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

-We don't get sirens?
-No.

-Oh!
-Does that talk to the hospital?

Attention, hospital, very important.
Evan is hot.

(ALL LAUGH)

Sorry about that.
That was a passenger mucking about. Over.

-Oh, my God, what are you doing?
-I'm so sorry. Was that really bad?

-Very bad.
-Oh, no, why'd I do that?

I'm so sorry, Evan. I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

Oh, and Evan, I bet everyone's
just always bringing up your looks.

-(CHUCKLES)
-Why did you laugh? Is he right?

-So right.
-He's beautiful.

Do you have some cheap nickname
for him, like in Grey's Anatomy?

No. That'd it be good though,
wouldn't it, Evan?

-Not good.
-(LAUGHS)

Yeah, like The Face.

Yeah. Evan, from now on we're
going to call you The Face.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Oh, that's not okay, though,

'cause clearly Evan is a very
talented medical professional.

I'm sure he's sick to bloody death

of everyone always talking about
his perfect face.

-Are you? (LAUGHS)
-Forget it.

Evan? Have I upset The Face?

-Aw. He's so handsome when he's sad.
-Oh, Josh, no, that's objectifying him.

-That's not okay.
-(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, sorry for objectifying you, Face.

I hereby name you "Big Heart".

(ALL LAUGH)

Hey, Arnold,
Josh said you were heaps smart.

-Say something smart.
-Did you say I was smart?

Book smart.
Not, like, street smart, okay?

He can't use an iron.

-Can you time travel?
-(LAUGHS)

-Can I time travel?
-Or me. Like, do you know how?

Um... Okay, well...

(CLEARS THROAT) The first thing
you need to understand

-when you're talking about time travel...
-Here we go.

-(GIGGLES)
-Everything is moving at different speeds,

like, a constant speed in time and space

relative to something else, okay?

-This got boring quickly, didn't it?
-No, listen.

Everything in the universe is moving
at all sorts of different speeds,

and the faster and faster you go,
the more time slows down.

-How fast am I moving?
-Well, it's relative.

Relative like your mum,
who's someone I had a sex with?

-Boom.
-No, to the Earth's rotation.

If you increase your velocity,
like, if you get in a plane,

-or if I chase you, your subjective...
-Chase me now.

-Time frame is slowing down...
-Arnold, chase me now.

No! It's so small,
we need atomic clocks to measure it.

You just won't stop
until you finish, will you?

I think I'm gonna get to the point
where you think it's interesting.

You can't stop.
I think I'm in love with you.

If you put an atomic clock
at the top of a mountain

-and then one at the very bottom...
-Nah. I just would never.

I'd never put an atomic clock
anywhere, so...

The one higher up would tick
several femtoseconds slower

than the one at the very bottom,
'cause it's moving faster.

-That is interesting, but...
-Thank you.

Will I ever be able to pet
a brontosaurus or Frank Sinatra?

No, probably not. I'm sorry.

So, we've established
that Arnold is the smartest...

-Did we establish he was the smartest?
-Yeah.

-Femtoseconds? It's nonsense.
-(CHUCKLES)

-Who is the kindest?
-Well, it's Arnold, isn't it?

Who'd be most likely to fetch water
if you're hung-over?

-Yes, yes, Arnold, Arnold.
-(CHUCKLES)

Which one of you would be in charge
after a plane crash?

Oh, that's Josh.

Me, I would just love to take charge
after a plane crash.

-I mean, that is the dream.
-(LAUGHS)

Are you two monogamous?

-Yes.
-Um...

Uh, we haven't discussed it yet.

Ooh! Tension.

Oh, no, no tension,
we just have not discussed it yet.

-Can we discuss it now?
-No. No.

-Nope.
-No.

What is Gondwanaland?

'Cause I remember learning
about Gondwanaland and Laurasia,

but I don't know why.

I thought Gondwanaland was what the
Aboriginal people called Australia.

-No!
-No.

No, it's not that. They had hundreds of
different languages. Definitely not that.

No way. Something to do with volcanoes?

I don't know.

I think maybe
I should not have kissed Tom.

Oh, come on. Tom's all right.

I've got a boyfriend.

-A good boyfriend?
-I think so.

Well, why isn't he out tonight?

He never comes out.
He doesn't like me when I'm out.

What? He doesn't like you
when you are out?

Like out of the house?

No, just, like... (SIGHS) Yeah.

Well, what's he doing?

Probably watching West Wing episodes,

even though we promised
to watch it together.

He sounds awful.

Let's not jump to conclusions.
We don't know Ella that well.

Maybe she's awful. Maybe he's right.

Every time I eat sweet things,
he asks me if I need them.

Like, of course I don't need them.
They're fun.

-Why can't he see that they're fun?
-Is he a dentist?

One time we went on a rollercoaster
and there was a really long queue,

and when the guy asked if there
were any singles in the crowd,

-he put his hand up, because...
-No!

...he couldn't be bothered
waiting in line any more.

So, I had to go on the next round
and sit next to this really nervous mum,

who was actually totally delightful,
but he didn't know that.

No, Ella, that man, he's the devil.

-He never goes down on me.
-Never?

I mean, fair enough.
I wouldn't go down on you.

But the rollercoaster? He's the devil.

Like, once, out of guilt,
the day after he cheated on me.

What the hell? You need to go
and break up with that man right now.

Get rid of him.

I'm nervous.

Yeah. Good luck.

I think I met a girl tonight.
We kissed and it was incredible.

But I had just tripped and done
this, so there was a lot going on.

It's difficult to distinguish all
that from how good the kiss was, you know?

(GIGGLES)

Will you kiss anyone tonight?

-Probably my husband.
-Nice one.

My face is turning into my dad.

Don't you say that about my boyfriend.

-I'm going to get a facelift.
-No!

-I am more likeable like this.
-I like your face.

Nah, I'm going to get a new one.
I'm going to get Cameron Diaz's face.

You can't afford it.

I'm gonna go to Mexico
and ask for Cameron Diaz's face.

I don't know how many more times
I'm meant to say not to do it.

Well, you wouldn't understand,
would you? Your face is so tight.

Nothing moves.
It's too tight, if anything.

Nothing moves.
Pull on my face. Ridiculous.

Aw. I'm worried I'm going
to stretch it more.

ELLA: So, he didn't react.

He said,
"Fine, what do you want me to say?"

And so, I started crying,
because I thought I should,

and he said,
"This performance is only for you."

So, I guess he does know me well.
And then I hung up.

And then I got worried
that no-one will ever love me,

so I bought all the flowers. (CHUCKLES)

They're very nice.

(MOBILE RINGS)

-Hello?
-She dumped me! (LAUGHS)

Oh... Alan. God, shit, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Yeah, she said after we got back
together that she wasn't happy.

And she said she thought
she would be happy, but she wasn't.

She cheated on you? Just...

If someone was gonna break up with me,

I wouldn't want them to also tell me
that they'd cheated on me.

-(STRAINS)
-I mean, what's the point? Shit.

Yeah. She's upstairs with Grace.

Did you know the reason your heart
physically hurts when it breaks?

It's because your body
doesn't understand what's going on.

Like, your body doesn't know
you broke up with someone.

It just assumes you must be in trouble,

like, poisoned or something,
so it's, like,

"Oh, my God, this guy
just ate an apple from a witch.

"Quick, heart, beat faster,
we need action now."

-Your boyfriend's the witch.
-Warlock.

But you broke up with him, yeah?
You're the winner.

You win the break-up. Yeah.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Oh, that's weird.

Hey, Mae, what's happening?

MAE: Hey, Josh, are you with Tom?

No, why?

Josh, I broke up with your father.

Oh, are... Are you okay?

He called Tom. Do you know why?

No. No, I do not.

I tried to keep it together for Grace,
but I think she is better off

with two happy parents apart
than two sad ones together.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree.
Kids can always tell, Mae.

I was just super-relieved
when Mum and Dad got divorced.

That's nice of you to say.

I was worried that calling you
would be awful.

Why, what's wrong with me?

You can only emotionally
engage with a story

if the characters
are animal characters, Josh.

Like a child. (GIGGLES)

Why am I getting criticised.
Are you breaking up with me?

Don't break up with me, Mae.

I'll eat heaps
and then I'll get fat again.

(CHUCKLES)

-I just heard Mae laugh.
-What?

Why would she be laughing?

Maybe Grace farted?

And now it's all there in front of me,
(SNIFFLING) just three years of trash

that I didn't realise was trash,

even though
everybody told me it was trash.

Oh, God, this is humiliating.

(SNIFFLES)

I forgot about this part.

Now I have to tell all my friends

that I was wrong and they were right.

(SNIFFLES)

We had a good relationship, but...

This is not my life.

This is his life.

Yeah, I understand.

Why don't I know what's good for me?

I should be the foremost expert
on what's good for me, but I'm not.

(CHUCKLES)

I just feel like a fool. You know, I...

I don't know how I ever let myself
believe I could make her happy.

You did make her happy,

and she changed into someone
that you couldn't make happy.

I'm not sure.

JOSH: Okay, bye.

(SOBBING)

-We're at the hospital.
-You're at the hospital?

-Yeah, I tripped.
-How'd you trip?

Fell.

Oh, yeah, why did you fall?

I just... I didn't mean to.

You weren't high, were you?

Um... Nah.

Are you lying to me, Tom?

I just... Don't know.

You were on drugs. What drugs?

You'll only make it worse by lying.

-MDMA.
-Fucking hell.

Fucking stupid kids.
Right, I'm coming to get you.

You are not too old
for me to come and get you.

(MOBILE RINGS)

So, I was just having
a chat with your dad,

and the subject of those drugs
we took came up,

and now he knows about
those drugs we took.

Why are you always telling
my dad things? It's weird.

Are you trying to steal my dad?

I feel like I'm in some
sort of weird dad-son triangle.

He was just being so open with me.
I can't lie to him.

His heart is too gentle.

You betrayed me like Judas.

You aren't Jesus. You know this, right?

Tom thinks I'm not Jesus.

Jesus Christ!

-A wheelchair!
-ELLA: I made him.

Rough night, eh?

Yes, I have had a rough fucking
night, not helped by you, thanks.

Let's just go.

-Dad...
-This is so embarrassing, Josh!

You really did not have to come.

You really cannot look
after yourself, can you, huh?

-Drugs.
-Hi, I'm Ella.

Thought you were over
the, um, teen party phase.

Dad, I promise you
I never partied as a teen, okay?

-Really, you can just go home.
-I'm already here.

I mean, thank fuck you're alive.

Where'd you get the drugs from, hmm?
And why do you trust them?

Were they trustworthy?

Tom got them.

-You've really disappointed me, Tom.
-Sorry.

I mean, what does MDMA
even bloody stand for?

Methylenedioxy-methamphetamine.

You know, I've been worried sick.

I mean, of course I'm gonna
think the bloody worst. Christ!

First I make my wife go mental

and then I send my partner
into the arms of a crazed fetishist.

So, you know, it's not much of a surprise

to find out I'm a shit father too.

Couldn't even raise my own son
well enough

not to become a fucking junkie!

And, you know, Tom?

I thought we had a relationship.

I didn't realise when we were hanging out

that you were so off your face
you'd split your bloody wrist open.

I'm sorry.

Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

(EXHALES)

-Okay, Dad, okay. All right?
-(SIGHS)

I'm sorry. I love you.

I'm right thanks, Ella.

(BLOWS NOSE)

(SIGHS)

And you're... You're a very pretty girl.

Is this the girl that you mentioned, Tom?

(SIGHS)

Right. Are you guys ready?