Original subtitles

PLUMBER: Yeah, it was a tampon.

Oh, God.

You can't flush 'em down the toilet, mate.

These old pipes, they're clay.

Well, I mean, it wasn't me, was it?

Well, obviously, no one's to blame.

Seven hundred and seventy dollars?

Yeah, the camera equipment's pretty expensive

and I didn't charge you for the full second hour.

Here's the camera footage we got.

Camera footage?

Of the tampon?

Yep.

I'll clean up, then.

What... Oh, John. Oh, baby, hey, come here!

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

Who's had their period in the house? Tom?

I don't know.

Why are you sitting? You've to get up. We have to go get Claire.

Oh, shit. I'm up, I'm up. Can we use the shower now?

-No, no shower. There's no time. -But I'm disgusting.

Yeah, disgusting.

Oh, Patrick. And have you had any girls in the house?

-No. -JOSH: Well, it wasn't one of my friends.

I haven't brought any girls into the house.

What's with the no pants thing?

Are we done with pants? Is nobody wearing pants any more?

This is it. This is how I'm going to smell to see Claire

-for the first time in a year. -It was Jenny!

-Obviously, it was Jenny. -It wasn't Jenny.

Tom, you're going to have to tell her not to flush tampons down the toilet.

I'm not talking to her about that.

No, Tom, this is probably new to her, okay?

She's probably scared and a little bit confused

and as an adult, I just think you have the responsibility

-to talk to her about it. -It wasn't Jenny!

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

It might seem obvious to you but it's new to her, okay? Hi!

CLAIRE: I'm coming. I'm here! I smell not very good.

We're here. We're just parking, okay?

We'll come get you and help you with your bags.

-We can't afford $770. -Nope.

-Who's going to pay? -I don't know.

Do you think it's too rude to ask Jenny?

Yes. Usually landlords pay for stuff like this.

Are you going to ask your dad?

No, there just has to be a better way, doesn't there?

-Oh, Claire! Here she is. -(LAUGHS)

Hey, I got it.

Um, so I'm pretty furious because the guy who was sitting next to me,

I think ate all of my cheese and crackers while I was asleep.

-Who does that? -Don't worry, Tom, I got these.

Ah, Claire, Tom, he has a child girlfriend. She's in high school.

He's being really mean to her

and then over-committing to offset his guilt, he bought her a rabbit,

right, which lives in our house.

Tom and I are currently co-parenting a rabbit with a girl in high school.

Also, she got her period in the house

and she flushed her tampon down the toilet and it cost $770.

We can't afford $770, Claire.

Josh got a flatmate because he thought the flatmate was pretty,

then he fell in love with the flatmate

and then the flatmate kissed Josh because the flatmate was bored.

Then Josh pissed his pants.

So you should be delicate with Josh because he's sad today.

No, I'm not sad because of Patrick, okay?

I'm sad because your bad choices are costing us $770,

my tomato plant is dead and also,

I have to wake up and look at your face every day,

every single day.

Do you know what that's like for me, Tom?

-And Patrick's handsome face. -Okay!

What have you been up to?

Oh, um, just working in Hamburg, you know?

He didn't even seem awkward about it this morning, did he?

I mean, like, I don't think he's thought about it at all.

I think to him kissing me was like a joke.

I think to him, kissing me was, like, funny.

I am so tired. Too tired for this.

Yeah, that is good news because I have to drop you at home

and then go and ask my dad for $770.

CLAIRE: Well, I guess it's nice to be back.

Yeah. You missed us, okay? You like us.

Bloody hell. I don't want to bail you out, Josh.

Every time I bail you out, you never learn anything.

I just don't know what I was meant to learn from this.

Not to flush tampons down the toilet? Is that the lesson?

It's your responsibility to look after the house.

That's what we talked about when I let you move in.

I just don't know how I could have avoided this.

Do you want me to stop inviting girls over if they seem moody?

-I'm just not sure what to do here, okay? -Yeah, you're the landlord.

If I wasn't your son, you'd just have to pay for it.

-It's your responsibility... -No, I...

-To pay for the upkeep of the house. -I wouldn't be trying to reposition this

as a traditional landlord-tenant relationship if I were you.

-Tenants pay rent. -(SLURPS)

I'm gonna pee.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

It's gonna be one of those days for me, isn't it?

Oh. No, no, no, no, I... I wasn't...

Oh, well, you know, what are you thinking? Hmm?

When you draw on my door?

No, I'm sorry. I just, like... There was a swastika there

and I just thought, it'd be better if instead of a swastika,

there was a house, do you know what I mean? Because Nazis are bad.

-This is vandalism. -Yeah, I know, but I just thought

it would be nicer if instead of having a swastika,

if you had a house with a little cute family.

(SIGHS) I don't know why I care.

I wanted to draw a Jewish family, you know,

because, you know...

But that's really hard to do without looking a bit racist.

So instead, I drew a gay family, you see,

because it's easier to draw a gay family.

It's just two dads, do you know?

Is it...

Because everyone always forgets that they killed gays as well.

Well, why don't you just write "prick" on my forehead?

Well, go on. Write "prick" on my forehead.

-(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) -Who's that?

-It's my dad. -Huh?

-Hi, Dad. -Let me take that.

Who's that? Where are you?

I'm in the toilets, right? I got in trouble.

Trouble? What do you mean? What kind of trouble?

It's not a big deal. Editing some graffiti.

ALAN: Graffiti?

You were vandalis... You were vandalising?

Yeah. In, like, a noble way, do you know what I mean? Like Banksy.

-You this, uh, boy's dad? -Yes.

-Who are you? -I'm the cleaner.

I just caught Bart Simpson over here drawing on my door.

-Yes, and? What do you want? -I just thought...

-Oh, just fuck off. -Oh!

Oh, don't worry, I'm gonna go get security.

-(GIGGLES) -Josh.

-Oh, shit. Let's get out of here. -Oh, where are we gonna go?

-(LAUGHS) -Vandalism. Like a fucking teenager!

Hurry up.

-Josh? -Yeah?

It comes down to this.

I look at you and I think you're lost.

And I feel lost when I look at you.

You're a smart kid.

And I guess you have to decide whether you want to be somebody

-or just anybody. -Yeah.

-And I think I've mollycoddled you. -(CHUCKLES)

You know, it's time you started taking

some responsibility for something.

Yeah. You've left Grace behind, yeah?

Shit, shit, shit! Shit!

-You don't gossip much, do you? -Nuh.

Stuart and I had sex.

Noted.

Is that all you've got to say about it?

He has a wife.

This... This here?

I guarantee you, it's not my thing.

I didn't know he had a wife at the time, but...

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I don't feel guilty about it.

-Do you think I should feel guilty? -I don't think. I have no thoughts.

-Ginger has a lot of thoughts. -I couldn't tell Ginger.

I never know how she's going to react to things. She's crazy.

We're all crazy. It's kind of the point.

No. No, she'd just tell everybody, she'd love it too much.

Perhaps.

You know, I think she thinks she's the most sane person in here.

Now, that's pretty crazy.

Everyone thinks they're the most sane.

Yeah, but for her to say that. I mean, she's Ginger.

GINGER: I knew it!

I knew you'd talk about me behind my back.

Oh. Shit.

Everybody! Listen up!

I've got news and I can't keep it to myself!

Cooee! Cooee! It'll rock you to your very core.

What is it?

-Oh, Ginger! -It's about...

Oh, what, Rose?

Are you ashamed? You seemed quite proud of yourself back there.

-I want to know what the news is. -Well, Maudrey, it's about Rose.

Oh, Ginger, look, I didn't mean any of those things...

Rose is...

-A pig. -She isn't!

-She is. -Oh!

Oh, I made you a cake. I forgot, I forgot.

What are we doing to celebrate Claire coming back?

JOSH: I made a cake.

Let's go dancing.

I'm not very good at icing, but...

I can't hang out tonight. I have to see Jenny.

But Claire just got back. I made a cake.

-I just have to. -CLAIRE: It's fine. I'm tired.

-We'll just do something tomorrow. -No, what are these immovable plans?

It is Jenny's school musical tonight.

-Oh, let's go out. We should go out. -Yes!

Yeah, you know, it's your first day back. We need to entertain you.

-No, you can't come. -Why, is it sold out?

I hope not. I was meant to book but I never gave back the slip.

-(GASPS) -(LAUGHS)

-Will there be alcohol there? -I don't think so.

-Do you have juice? -Yeah.

-We should pour vodka into juice. -Yes.

And with that, it is done.

"Over hill, over dale.

"Thorough bush, thorough brier.

"Over park, over pale.

"Thorough flood, thorough fire..."

Milady.

-Yep, I'm fine. -"I do wander everywhere..."

(CHUCKLES)

It's good to get out and get a bit of culture.

Shakespeare? No, Tom, I thought this was a musical.

It is.

"A Midsummer Night's Dream, but reimagined in the modern day

"with pop songs from the '80s, '90s and now."

Oh, yeah, I mean, that's what Shakespeare would have wanted.

Well, he didn't write it as a musical.

It doesn't mean it's not going to be better as a musical.

I mean, how could he decide? It's not like he had access

to the hits of '80s, '90s and now.

Guys, you can't poison my mind.

I need to convince myself this is good so I can be supportive after.

"I must go seek some dew drops here..."

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

-How're you feeling, Tom? -Nervous.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-CLAIRE: Which one is she? -That one.

♪ We'll always be together ♪

♪ However far it seems ♪

♪ Love never ends ♪

♪ We'll always be together ♪

♪ Together in electric dreams... ♪

Oh, this sucks.

No way, these kids are way more talented than you are.

-No, that just is not true. -Can you please be quiet?

She said we're not talented at musicals.

Please just be quiet.

-Only if you defend yourself, Thomas. -Shh.

-Now, now... -Shh!

♪ We'll always be together ♪

♪ However far it... ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

-♪ We'll always be together... ♪ -Okay!

These kids are trash. Our school musicals were perfection.

-(MUFFLED GIGGLE) -Thank you.

-Why is Ginger over there? -Never mind.

It's just usually she sits here with us.

Mum and Dad are fighting.

Yup. There's tension. I can feel tension. I didn't come to hospital to feel tension.

I could have just stayed at home with my family.

I'm going to go eat in my room.

Why didn't I think of that?

Food. Bed.

They are my top 10 favourite things.

I don't know what to do.

Could you have a talk to her?

-No, not my thing. -Oh. I can't stand this.

I know you don't want to talk to me but I need you to know that I'm sorry.

I didn't mean any of those things I said.

Yes, you meant it. You meant everything you said.

They're all true. All those things are true.

Yeah, okay, all right. Yes, I did mean them, but...

Is it... But those things I said are not bad things.

They're just flaws that you have and I really like them, those flaws.

(STAMMERS)

I really like hanging out with you. Isn't that what friendship is?

I don't know what friendship is any more.

At least you're still here.

I just stayed here the same way I sometimes sit through The X Factor.

Can't find the remote.

"And all my right of her I do estate unto Demetrius."

(GASP)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-What? What? -She has wings.

What do you mean?

-What's going on? -Nothing, okay? Just look.

-What is that? -Wings.

-Wings? -Wings.

Like on a pad.

-No. -(MUFFLED LAUGH)

It's not. It's just part of the costume.

Tom, it's not the costume. It's not.

(CHEERING)

-Well, Jenny owes me $770. -Unrelated, okay? Unrelated.

-Let's get out of here. -No, we have to stay for the second half.

Oh, I'm not staying any longer. I'm sorry.

Why don't you two go for a walk and I'll stay here

and watch the rest of it with Tom?

-Cool. -Okay!

This is hell. I'm so jetlagged and this is hell.

-I think the play's been good. -Fuck off.

Oh!

I just thought you might be, like, pretty talented at sports. No?

-I am. I did gymnastics. -Stop it.

-Yeah. -You didn't.

I was gymnastics champion.

The time we had to do gymnastics in class

is the sixth most humiliating moment of my high school years.

-But you're so graceful. -Yeah. Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Isn't that just the meanest thing you could imagine?

Making teenagers do gymnastics in front of other teenagers?

I didn't have to do it, though. My dad, he made me a note

to get out of it, right?

Hmm, what was the excuse?

Uh, that I had had surgery on my ingrown toenails a few weeks before.

That's why your toenails are so weird.

Yeah. The teacher still had to...

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

How long have you thought that I have weird toenails?

Since I saw them.

Okay. (STAMMERS)

The teacher still had to grade me, right,

so I had to do, like, a gymnastics routine

but without any gymnastics in it.

I cannot fathom that. That is impossible.

What she made me do, right, is I had to replace forward rolls

with my arms like this

and spinning and cartwheels were arms out like this.

And then I had to put together a routine

and she just judged me on how well I, like, used the space.

-Wow. -I do not know

how she found a way to make it more humiliating.

Will you show me this routine?

I mean, I'm happy to show you my routine

if you show me your champion routine.

Yeah. Fuck, yeah. I'll do it.

Yeah.

Ooh!

Oh!

-Oh. -Yeah.

Oh, you're very serious.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

That's...

Yeah, that's good, I guess.

No, that's not my thing.

Whoa!

No, that was quite good.

It's the most beautiful gymnastics I've ever seen.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-Unveil yourself, masked dancer. -(LAUGHS)

-Okay, kill me. Just... -(GIGGLES)

STUDENT: "Now the hungry..."

I dare you to touch that girl's hair.

I'm not touching someone's hair.

I'll give you the rest of this juice if you touch that girl's hair.

Oh, shut up.

-STUDENT: "Now the wasted brands do glow. -(LAUGHS)

"Whilst the screech-owl, screeching loud,

"Puts the wretch that lies in woe in remembrance of a shroud.

-"Now it is the time of night -(LAUGHS)

-"That the graves, all gaping wide..." -(SNORTS)

There you go.

STUDENT: "Everyone, let's..."

(DOOR OPENS)

-His wife's here. His wife's here. -Oh, Ginger, just leave it.

Oh, no, no, no, we're not fighting any more. I got bored. We're a team.

-Oh. Wow, great. -Yeah, so let's get her.

-It's our big chance. -Get her?

Yes, let's get her.

-Come on. -I don't want to get her.

You just have to remember that I was doing this in front of the entire class, yes?

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

-(CONTINUES LAUGHING) -No.

(WHISPERS) Sorry.

GINGER: Come on! Come on!

(WHISPERING) So what's the plan to get her?

(WHISPERING) I don't know yet.

I really don't think we should get her.

Your hair looks nice.

Well, it doesn't look nice, Stuart, does it?

This isn't what I asked for.

No one does their hair like this any more.

(WHISPERS) What a little gremlin she is.

Okay, it looks shit. I don't know.

Yeah, well, you're no prize pig yourself.

Ginger, I think we should leave. Just leave them be.

No. We're gonna get her.

ROSE: Ginger.

No one is getting anybody. She's his wife. She's visiting. It's nice.

-Oh, got her! -(COIN CLINKING)

Ah! What happened?

-(MUFFLED LAUGHTER) -Oh, God, it hurts so much.

STUART: What can I do for you, Hazel?

Oh, no, he's hugging her. It's backfired.

(LAUGHING)

Next time, I'll aim the coin at you.

Come on.

Mmm.

Josh.

I'm not going to take my pants off.

Why not? Come on, it's fun.

We're, like, on a basketball court at school. It's like a fun...

It's, like, a fun thing.

-I didn't realise you were so slutty. -I'm not slutty.

Okay? If I was slutty, that's fine. Let us be slutty.

I never realised you were so frigid.

CLAIRE: Josh!

Josh, I have superstar Jenny.

Aren't you glad I didn't take the pants off?

Not really.

-Hi. -CLAIRE: Ooh, sorry.

Should we leave?

No, no, it's fine.

We can... We can pause.

I'm sorry you guys had to sit through that. I know it's lame.

Like, I need you all to know I know it's lame.

-No, it was good. -JOSH: Jenny, it was fine.

-Ours were heaps worse, I promise. -You looked hot.

(HUMMING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Claire. Stop it.

Uh, I am very drunk and I haven't slept in three days.

Claire drank all the juice.

Tom gave it to me because Tom was trying to get me tipsy.

Um, I have some more if anyone wants.

Tremendous.

You know, there's something about being jetlagged.

It always makes me feel like I'm on my period, you know?

-No, no. -JENNY: I've been jetlagged before.

It doesn't make you feel like you're on your period.

Midsummer Night's stream!

Did you tell them?

Tom.

-How do they know I'm on my period? -TOM: They don't.

-Okay, well, they do. -We do!

-Jenny, it's... -How?

I don't wanna talk about it...

You told them?

-No. -Tom, that's crazy.

It's... I just...

What?

Mmm-mmm.

It's... Come here. Uh...

So...

Um, what happened is when you were doing the cancan,

we saw your wings.

-Wings? -Yeah, your wings.

-Okay, I'm gonna go. -I'll come.

No. Nuh. You...

You stay here with these guys.

Jenny!

You are all so fucking immature.

It was my tampon.

In the drain this morning. It was my tampon.

I cannot begin to imagine what you mean by that.

Dude.

You're a boy.

(CHUCKLING)

I was on the toilet and I saw it sitting there

and I realised that I've never seen one and that's weird

because they're a big part of the world.

-They're important. -Mmm-hmm.

Uh, and I'd never seen one, not up close.

So I unwrapped it and I took a good look,

I pulled it apart a bit to see how it's made.

And then I flushed it.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

By the way, we saw a very talented donkey.

-Such a talented donkey. -(LAUGHING)