Original subtitles

So what did you do today?

Ah, my dance class was cancelled,

so I got a Reiki massage and I just feel incredible, man.

-Reiki? -Yeah.

That's the massage where they don't touch you?

Yeah. So, it's about energy. They put energy into your body.

Yeah, why would you pay someone to not touch you?

Oh, okay, so like I said, they align your energy...

There's just, like, billions of people that'll touch you for zero dollars.

Like, do you go to restaurants and pay them to not feed you?

Oh, well... Okay, so it's an ancient healing ritual from Japan.

-It's thousands of years old. -Yeah.

It's old so it must be... Good. Oh, and it's Asian.

I really don't understand why middle-class white people

think that Asians are magic.

Okay, well, I don't think they're magic.

Yeah, they've just mastered energy.

I mean, what is this energy?

How are they manufacturing this energy?

-Look, it just... -Where does it come from?

-Okay. It just makes me feel good. -Mmm.

It's not thousands of years old, by the way. It's about 80 years old.

No, I'm pretty sure it's thousands.

-What are you doing? -Googling.

Yeah. It was invented in 1922.

Okay, so it's like 90 years old.

-We're both wrong. -Well, I was pretty close.

I mean, 80 is a lot closer to 90 than 90 is to thousands.

(SCOFFS) Why can't you just leave things?

Let people believe what they want to believe?

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm not not letting you believe it.

Just trying to understand, you know,

why an adult would pay someone money

to lay naked in a room with somebody that's either crazy or lying to them.

-Okay, I'm gonna go. -Really?

There's just so much vegetarian food coming.

Yeah, look,

I'm just looking for someone who's, like, kind and gentle, friendly.

That's not you.

(MOBILE RINGS)

-Niamh? -Hey, I'm coming over.

Uh, nah, I just want an alone night.

Well, I thought I'd come by and suck you off

while you play Grand Theft Auto.

Um, well, that'd just be annoying 'cause I'd want to concentrate.

-(CALL WAITING BEEPS) -Hang on, Josh is calling.

Tom, you hungry? I ordered too much food.

-No, I have plans. -Okay.

-What's Patrick doing? -He's out.

Oh, no. Oh, gosh, no. (CHUCKLES)

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

(VIDEO CALL CONNECTING)

-Hi, Claire. (CHUCKLES) -Hi, Josh... Josh! Hello.

-Hey, do you think I'm nice? -Um, yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I'm a nice guy, right? I do nice things.

If there's like a little bit of poo on the side of the toilet bowl,

I'll pee it off, you know.

Even though nobody will even know I did it, I'll do it.

Yeah, okay. I think maybe you're nice. Why?

This guy said I wasn't nice, right, and I wanted to argue with him,

but I didn't feel, like, confident, you know.

I wasn't sure. I don't pay that much attention.

No.

I don't look... I do not look good this evening.

All right, do you want to know why I'm calling,

or do you want me to just reinforce that you're an okay guy?

Can't I have both? I can reinforce you're an okay lady too, if you like.

-I'm nice like that. -All right.

-You are an okay lady. -Thank you.

Now, um, this project that I was working on...

Sustainable forestry.

-Yes. -Yes. See? I pay attention.

-I'm interested in other people. -Okay.

Uh, anyway, the project got axed.

-Oh, no! -It doesn't exist any more.

So, um, I have to come home for a bit.

What's going to happen to the forest?

Eh. Er, can I stay with you?

-Yeah, of course. -Awesome.

Hey, do you wanna make pulled pork?

I've been thinking about making pulled pork a lot lately,

-with homemade barbecue sauce? -Yeah, I've wanted to do that!

-I would love to do that! -Yes!

Okay, we're gonna do that. And, um, great.

-I have to go. I have to go now. -What is barbecue sauce?

I don't really know. I think it's spiced tomato sauce, isn't it?

-I do have to go. -I think it's sweeter than tomato sauce.

Great, that's what it is then. Okay, bye-bye.

-See ya! Bye. Look at him adorably waving. -(BEEPS)

Claire?

THERAPIST: So, let's all begin by looking at these two raisins.

Observe them one at a time.

First, looking at the one on the left.

And noticing. And then the one in the right hand as well.

Are they the same size?

Do they have the same degree of wrinkliness?

How does the light shine on their folds?

-Mine just look like raisins. -(CHUCKLES)

Now, bring the raisins up to your nose,

-inhaling any fragrance or aroma. -(LAUGHING)

Now, holding the raisins next to your ears,

roll them between your thumb and your forefinger.

-Do they have a sound? -(LAUGHS)

Laughter's great. Feel how your body moves when you laugh.

How are the muscles contorting?

Now, place the first raisin into your mouth.

Don't swallow. In fact, don't chew.

Oh, no, thanks. Mine have got snot on them.

(LAUGHING)

Well, that's an adorable breakfast.

Niamh's here. She stayed over. I've told her nothing about Jenny.

I'm meant to be seeing Jenny this morning.

Jenny had a fight with her mum. Jenny's upset. You have to help me.

Why are you doing this? Why are you making these choices?

-Are you okay? -Josh!

Niamh. I was gonna make you some breakfast,

but I didn't know what time you'd be up.

Do you want something? Yeah.

No, Niamh, you don't need to make him breakfast.

Delicious.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Uh...

Hey, Niamh,

Tom and I need to go and get some groceries for my mum.

So... Do you need me to give you a lift to the station?

Yeah, well, I need to get some groceries.

-That could be fun. -Okay, yeah.

All right, this has to happen, yeah?

Niamh, Tom has something to tell you.

-I thought you were going to tell her. -No.

What, what, Tom?

It's nothing. We can talk about it later.

Tom has been seeing a girl. A child girl.

TOM: She's 18.

Oh.

Okay. So... So what, are you guys, like, boyfriend-girlfriend, or...

Um, kind of... Sort of. It's not really...

-Not sure really about that... -Yeah, he is sure.

They spoke about it and they decided they are boyfriend-girlfriend.

She is his girlfriend.

He is her boyfriend.

Right.

Cool.

Is Josh coming to the therapy choir?

I don't know. You want to call him?

Um, sure. Oh.

All these chats where you tell me I'm too fragile for casual sex,

they haven't been about me at all, have they?

They're just... Because you're too scared to tell me about her!

-I didn't say you were too fragile. -(MOBILE RINGS)

I was just concerned you might still like me too much.

-Ha! -Ma?

No, not now. This is a bad time. This is a really bad...

No, no. Hey, it's, it's Arnold.

-Oh! Hey, Arnold. -Uh, this is weird.

Suddenly, I realise this is very weird for me

to call you from your mum's phone.

-No, it's fine. -She just dialled.

-Anyway... -Okay, what's up?

-Hannah is in a choir. -Oh, yeah, the mental choir.

Er, therapy choir. They're kinda sensitive.

-Are you coming? -Yeah, of course.

You think that's a skin cancer?

-Is he coming? -Yeah, he's coming.

-Is he bringing anybody? -Um, are you bringing anyone?

-Um... -NIAMH: What's the, what's the future?

Tom, do you want to go to a mental choir?

-Tonight? I can't. I'm busy. -Doing what?

-Nothing. -You're seeing that girl.

-Patrick will want to come. -(NIAMH GROANS)

-Tell him to come early for dinner. -(NIAMH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Um, your mum wants you to come early for dinner.

No, I don't wanna eat there again. The food's too soft.

He says the food is too soft.

Yes, okay, the food's soft. I want him to visit anyway.

-Patrick's coming. -She wants you to come visit anyway.

Yeah, okay. See ya. Bye.

-Breakfast. -Ooh, thanks.

Why did I make you breakfast? You suck! I hate you!

-I didn't do anything. -God, what am I doing?

Look, I know I stuffed up, but we chatted about it heaps

and you agreed we were just friends, all right?

It's not a big deal. It's not like I was obliged to tell you.

-It's not like I broke any rules. -You told Josh you had a girlfriend?

-And Patrick, right? -JOSH AND TOM: Yeah.

That's every single one of your friends, Tom.

You told all of your friends but me. And why's that?

Because it's a big deal! It's news you tell people!

-I just didn't know what to say. -You know what?

I may not be your girlfriend, but I'm still a human with feelings,

and you just wanna use me as a flesh jack.

-I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry. -You are so pathetic.

You're lazy and you have no self-esteem and you have fat, fat cheeks.

-Weird chest hair. -And you're not even that funny!

I mean, Patrick and Josh are so much funnier than you.

Wow!

Shut up.

-What's her name? -It's Jenny.

Jenny?

That girl who's been leaving fucking selfies all over your Facebook?

Oh, my God! I thought she was 12.

She looks 12! I thought she was your niece!

Look, I get it. I'm sorry. Jenny's actually really mature.

We like all the same things.

Tom... (SCOFFS) That doesn't mean she's mature.

It means that you have the brain of a 16-year-old girl.

She's 18! I'm sorry. What more do you want me to say?

You need to learn to close your mouth when you're resting your face.

-Solid point. -Hi. Jenny?

-Is that my phone? -JENNY: Yeah, it is.

Yeah, erm, this is Niamh. Has Tom told you about me?

-No. -Great.

Do you mind if I put you on speaker?

Why? What's going on?

Er, Jenny, this is Josh.

You're on speakerphone and Tom and his ex-girlfriend Niamh are here.

What?

Jenny, Tom has something he wants to tell you.

-What are you doing? -Tell her what you did last night.

-Niamh... -Fine.

Jenny, Tom and I had sex last night.

Twice.

-JENNY: Tom? -Jenny?

-Jenny babe? -Babe?

I... I know I stuffed up.

I know I did, but it was the last time, I promise.

-What? -I'm sorry.

(STAMMERS) I'm just saying I'm really sorry.

-How can I make it up to you? -Look, don't worry about it.

I can move on. You two obviously have issues to sort out.

Jenny, listen, there are no issues for us to sort out.

-Tom... -We're just friends.

-Fuck, Niamh! -Just put it in rice!

You know, it'll be fine in a few days.

Is this a bad time to tell you Claire's coming back?

Next week.

I gotta go. I'm going.

(SOBS)

He's such a jerk.

Yeah. I mean, I told him he was a jerk.

It's like you don't realise that he's such a jerk

because he's got this stupid face, but he's just...

(GROANS) He's such a jerk!

He really has indeed been a jerk.

(SIGHS) He's like a puppy that shat on the rug, you know?

Like, what's the point in getting annoyed?

Niamh, I have to go get dressed.

Yeah. I... I don't think you can stay.

Sorry.

Yeah. I'll just... Get out of here.

-He loves you. -He doesn't love me.

-He does. And you love him. -I don't!

-You do! -I don't love him.

-You do! Go and say hello. -No. I will later.

No, go now. What else have you got on?

I can't just walk over. He's not even wearing a shirt.

Oh, I can fix that.

-You take this off. -Ginger, stop it!

Take your shirt off. You'll have something in common!

-Come here! Oh! -Bloody hell! Ginger, stop it!

Oh, don't worry, I'll get it.

Yoo-hoo! Hi, I'm Ginger.

-We saw you in Mindfulness. -Stuart.

Stuart. Um, would you like to meet my friend Rose?

Come on.

She's over here. Stuart, this is Rose.

-Rose, Stuart. -Hi.

I'm really into roses, actually.

Scent. Beauty. Velvety texture.

Roses have got it all.

I'll leave you to it.

Oh, I don't think that went very well.

-What? -I said I don't think it went very well.

I feel bad about leaving Niamh behind.

That makes me like a good guy, right?

Oh, yeah. So much empathy, Josh.

(STAMMERING) Tell me, what else do you feel guilty about?

Ah, I feel bad about famine...

Syria, you know.

Uh, places that used to rent out DVDs.

Uh...

What are you eating?

I was hungry. There was a peanut M&M in the back.

We've a whole car. We can stop and get food.

I didn't want to make us late for the mental choir.

-What the fuck? -Hey.

Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?

-I didn't want your parents to worry. -About what?

-Just me, I guess. -Oh, God, so much self-loathing!

Look, can you... Can you just go?

Can I please just come in for a minute? I'm really thirsty.

There's a tap over there.

I'm sorry, Jenny. It's the last time, I swear.

I don't get it. If you wanna be with her so much, just be with her.

Oh, my God, no, I do not want that, I swear.

What can I do to fix this?

No. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

(DOOR CLOSES)

PATRICK: Why didn't you order any food?

I don't want to encourage them, you know?

I'm... Sticking it to the man.

-They still profit from lemonade. -Yeah, I was just very thirsty.

So you're not really sticking it to the man.

You're just not being outwardly friendly to the man.

Yeah, I'm politely expressing disappointment in the man.

Pedestrians are making me fucking furious.

Why is that girl smiling? Who does she think she is?

PATRICK: Maybe she's thinking about love.

JOSH: You don't know that. She could be thinking about eczema.

PATRICK: I really doubt that.

JOSH: No, you love her. Patrick's going to marry this girl.

All right, she's quite attractive. Could be worse.

Worse than marrying someone you have no sexual attraction to

and it's impossible for you to feel romantic love for?

Girls have their strong points.

She can make babies. That's impressive.

Yeah, but you'll hate the baby.

You'll hate the baby for trapping you in, like, a miserable marriage.

Don't say that about my marriage!

I just feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for this girl.

I think I'd do a good job of pretending to like my family.

Nah. She's never gonna understand why you don't love her.

You're gonna fight in front of the kids. It's very sad.

-You'd be worse. -No, I wouldn't. Would not.

Yeah, you would, even if you married a nice man.

No, I wouldn't. Why? Why?

Because you're not really interested in caring about others.

Yes, I am. I'm interested in caring about others.

I care about John. I keep John alive.

His water bottle is always empty. I fill it.

Nah. Nah.

-What? -No.

No. Nothing.

Are you annoyed at me? You are. You're angry.

Look, are you angry at me?

-You are. You're annoyed. You are. -Nope.

-Josh. -I think my feelings hurt.

-Oh, I was just playing. -Literally, like, stuck in traffic,

going to see a shit choir so I can be nice to my sick mum.

-Okay. -I'm a good guy. I'm a good bloke.

-I take it back. I'm sorry. -Nah.

-Josh... -Fuck ya.

-Nah. -Whoa! Come on.

-No, thanks. -I'm sorry.

-Not interested. No, thank you. -Josh.

-You're fine. You're a good person. -Okay.

(VOCALISES TUNELESSLY AND SIGHS)

-Are you okay? -Yep.

-I didn't mean to make things weird. -Yep. Fine. Not weird.

You seem very uncomfortable, so I'm sorry.

I was just playing, Josh.

Yeah. No, I can't tell you how fine I was with the kiss.

-I just... -What?

-I just really need to pee, okay? -Oh.

That's a bad thing for you.

Yeah, I've been strong but there is... I am... Seconds.

-Seconds away. -We're moving so slowly.

Do you want to go outside?

No, I can't. I can't go when there's people watching.

(SIGHS) What do you want to do?

I just don't know.

The cup?

Might have to go in the cup?

Oh, God.

I think that's our only option here.

Yeah, I am... I am realising this.

(LAUGHS)

-You can't... You can't look, okay? -Okay, okay.

-Or I won't be able to go. -I don't wanna watch you piss.

All right!

(CHUCKLES)

You can't laugh, okay? I need to focus.

-Oh, God. -What?

It's just... It's getting full.

-Why do they always put so much ice in it? -Don't look!

I'm sorry!

-Just... Don't look! -Josh, it's...

Okay!

Josh, it's getting full. You need to squeeze and stop it.

-Stop it! Use your muscles. -I'm trying.

They're not as strong as the pressure, okay?

-Just give me your fucking cup. -No! There's still drink in it!

-(LAUGHS) -Oh, God, that smells.

Here, here, here, use this. Come on. Come on.

It's over.

It's... It's gone.

-You've pissed yourself. -Yeah.

Yes, I have pissed myself.

Hey, here she is! Wow! You, um, look great.

No, just don't.

-Oh, okay. -Don't.

-How're you feeling? -I feel ill.

I freaked out and accidentally ate a whole pack of party mix.

Well, you look great.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hello. Josh, where are you? The show's about to start.

What do you mean, accident? Are you okay?

No, I'm fine, I can just definitely cannot come.

ROSE: Oh, well, that's a shame.

If you can't make it, you can't make it, I guess.

I... I'll see you soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Okay, bye-bye, lovey. Bye.

-Hello. -I've got to tell you something.

Okay.

-Hide and seek was fun, wasn't it? -Yep.

Yeah, we got a bit carried away and it was fun.

It was very fun.

-I've got a wife, Rose. -Oh, okay.

Er, that's all right.

Uh, I... Well, I guess I was very forward.

She's a bitch. She's a real bitch.

But, er... Yeah, I shouldn't have.

-Yeah. -Let's just not mention it again.

Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna give the show a miss 'cause it's gonna be bloody awful.

Oh.

(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

CHOIR: ♪ My baby's always dancin' and it wouldn't be a bad thing ♪

♪ But I don't get no lovin' and that's no lie ♪

♪ We spent the night in Frisco At every kinda disco ♪

♪ From that night I kissed our love goodbye ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie ♪

(SIGHS) What do you want?

-This is Gavin. -(GASPS)

Gavin was the last one left of all of his brothers and sisters.

I thought we could call him Gavin because a friend at school went grey

when he was 14, and his name was Gavin.

I swear, on Gavin's life, I'm never seeing her again.

He is so cute! We're gonna make such good parents.

Oh, Gavin. I'm in love with Gavin. (GIGGLES)

Sorry, you're... You're covered in piss.

Oh, God! Oh, yeah.

John, wanna dance?

CHOIR: ♪ Moonlight ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Boogie ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight ♪

♪ Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie ♪

(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)

♪ Boogie! ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(VOCALISING)