Original subtitles

Oh, can I...

-Can I fold the pocket square? -Yeah.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hello?

-Ah, hey, Josh. It's Geoffrey. -Oh, hey, Geoffrey.

-Hi, Geoffrey. -GEOFFREY: Uh, it's been ages.

Yeah. Hi. (STAMMERING) How are you doing?

Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, good.

Good. Yeah.

Hey, did you want to get dinner?

Er, dinner? Yes, sure. When were you thinking?

When are you free?

Me? I mean, I'm free. You know, just generally free.

-Like across the board. -Er, tonight? What about tonight?

Tonight? Yeah. That's soon.

Um, what do you want to eat?

-I don't mind. -No, what is that?

It's a special occasion. He needs a formal headpiece.

-No, the tiara's for Grace. -But he looks so glamorous.

JOSH: No, Tom, it doesn't make any sense.

-Josh, is this a bad time? -No, no, sorry.

My friends are trying to dress John like a girl.

Sorry, what was that? You don't mind? Of course you mind, okay?

You're picky about food. You're the guy that minds.

No, no, no, I eat all kinds of strange things now, like...

-I really like eggplant. -Well, of course you do.

It's delicious. Eggplant is delicious.

You should have listened to me when I told you it was delicious.

Okay. Um, just text me where.

-I'll see you tonight? -Okay.

One, two, one, two, three, four...

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

(SHRIEKS) What is that?

(CHUCKLES) It's prison tats.

Oh, be careful. Oh, she might shiv ya!

-Yeah? She might shiv ya! -What's going on?

-Your son has graffitied our daughter! -(CRYING)

Bloody hell, Josh! Why would you think this is a good idea?

Don't blame me, man. You're her dad.

You should have brought her up right, then she wouldn't have got into this mess.

-Will it come off? -Yeah. It's just eyebrow pencil,

-all right? -If she gets a rash, I will kill you.

Seriously, I will kill you, Josh, to death! Jeez.

What? It's just eyebrow pencil, all right? We had fun.

It's important. It's important sometimes to have like a good time.

Do you remember that?

-Why do you have an eyebrow pencil? -(CHUCKLES)

To draw prison tats.

MAE: Alan, can you get the bath ready?

(SIGHS) I really don't need this today, Josh.

I'll come in and clean her up.

Oh, no, no, no, just leave so that we can get it done.

-I could get it done, though. -Please, Josh, just go.

My daughter is not an Australian convict!

(GIGGLES) I mean, this has been fun.

Don't you think? This has been good, right?

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

-Oh, wow. Arnold. Hi. -Um, hi, Josh.

This is the hospital where your mum's at, yeah?

-I didn't... I didn't realise. I'm sorry. -(BUZZER SOUNDS)

No, it's... How... What are you getting?

You don't have to pretend like you didn't just run into me

in a psychiatric hospital.

Yeah, no. I just thought maybe we'd start at, like, candy bars and...

And work our way up to why you're...

My parents were just worried about me

and it's easier to just come here than to convince them I'm okay.

-Yeah, are you okay? -Not really.

No? Yikes.

(CLATTERING)

-Did you just buy raisins? -Yeah.

Who are you? Come on.

-Guys, er... -Ah.

There's Arnold. Arnold, uh, Hannah. Rose, that's my mum. Ginger.

-And what are you in for, then? -Um, just anxiety stuff.

Anxiety stuff? What's that? What happened?

Oh, just, um, breakdown-ie stuff.

I stopped showering and smiling like a teenage boy.

Yeah. I wasn't that kind of teenager.

Oh, me neither.

Hannah? Hannah?

What about you? You've never told me.

-I had a breakdown. -I know that.

Is there anything interesting about this breakdown?

I mean, what happened?

It was quite public. In a supermarket.

-Supermarket? -Self-service checkout?

-What happened in the supermarket? -Did you steal something?

Are you a kleptomaniac?

No, I just couldn't work out what kind of tuna to buy.

-Tuna? -Are you in here because of tuna?

There's just so many different types.

No, there isn't!

Brine, oil, spring water, chunky tuna, sandwich tuna,

mayonnaise, dolphin-killing tuna, salsa...

Salmon.

Why don't you just eat salmon? You're a maniac.

-I just lost it. I started crying. -I was expecting more drama.

-You're not a maniac, you're a dickhead. -(JOSH CHUCKLES)

What do you guys think about this shirt and this jacket together?

-Pretty gay. -Yeah, sure.

-But is that like a problem? -I think it's pretty good.

-Yeah, it's fun. -Yeah, it's fun, right?

That's what I want, I want to look fun.

I want to look like a fun, nice guy.

-Um, are you going to trim your pubes? -JOSH: No.

Tom, you know I don't do that. It's not for me.

-You gotta trim your pubes, man. -No, actually, I don't, okay?

I don't have any body hair.

My pubic hair is very important to me.

-Have you ever tried it? -Yeah, once,

and I promise, it's not good.

I looked like a giant toddler.

I just really think you need to do something with your pubes.

Yeah, just make them neat.

Then you can show him how good you've got at sex.

There's no chance he got good at sex.

-Oi! -I'm trying to be supportive.

I'm sure he's lovely at it.

-(CLIPPERS BUZZING) -(MOBILE RINGING)

Hi! Oh, hi!

Josh, I need you to tell us everything you did to Grace.

We are not angry, Josh. Grace is sick.

Oh, no! Okay, well, what's wrong with her?

Her poo is purple.

Did you do anything else weird with her?

We won't be angry.

Yeah, you said.

I just really don't think I did anything that would make her poo purple.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I think it's okay for it to be purple.

I think babies' poo is different colours sometimes.

Your poo was never purple.

Yeah, I think the only colour you need to worry about is white.

How do you know so much about poo?

I saw it in an episode of Weeds.

I'm not taking advice from a TV show about pot!

-MAE: No! -Come on, Josh.

I need you to keep thinking about this.

Okay. Yeah, do you need me to do anything to help or anything?

No, no, no, no, you've done quite enough.

I did not do anything to make her poo purp...

Well? How did it go?

-No, it was bad. It was really bad. -(ALL LAUGH)

No, I didn't know what I was doing.

I was lost down there. They're all spiky.

I feel gross. That's not what you want from genitals.

You want them to be like soft and safe and welcoming.

And mine are sharp.

Wait, did you... You didn't use my clippers?

No.

-You don't own clippers. -No.

-Josh! -Yes, Thomas?

Did you trim your pubic hair with my beard trimmer?

Yeah.

I don't understand.

What? What is it?

Why did you send me a picture of your penis?

Oh, no.

And a message inviting me over so that you can,

according to this, "fuck my face off"?

TOM: Whoa!

-'Cause I'm already here, so... -Yeah...

Why can't you just fuck her face off right now?

Why are you making her come back later?

Is that a thing people like? Having their face fucked off?

Can someone just tell me who this was meant for?

-Do you have a girlfriend? -No, no, no.

I don't have a girlfriend. Definitely don't have a girlfriend.

-I'm so confused. -So who was this meant for?

Oh, it was meant for someone else. I get it.

Okay, yeah, it was meant for somebody else.

Niamh! It was meant for Niamh!

Okay, obviously, this is bad,

but... Please don't think this is a big deal.

A big deal? Okay, this is a lot, isn't it?

You're sending this horrible photo and I'm just sitting here.

It really is a horrible photo.

-I feel like it's threatening me. -Ugh!

-It is a lot, right? -Yeah. Tom, you're in a dark place.

You're in a dark, dark place.

When did you even take the picture?

-A few weeks ago. -What?

So you've just got it on file, in case of emergency?

-JOSH: He's very proud. -I didn't want to send it.

I wasn't into it. I just... She sent me a picture

and I thought it would be rude to not reply.

Yeah, Jenny, he was just being polite.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, I don't mind if you want to have sex with other girls.

We've just started seeing each other.

But, like, right next to me!

Like, you didn't even bother to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, 'cause Josh was shaving his pubes.

(LAUGHS) And then you didn't even send it right. It's almost adorable.

Yeah, it's adorable. Yeah, it's good. Go with that.

-That's it? -Is that the end of the fight?

Yeah.

-Okay, well, I have to go. -Good luck.

Thank you. Thomas, you should marry her.

-I think I might. -Good evening.

Well, Niamh will be feeling let down

now that she won't be getting her face fucked off.

No, she never got the text.

Oh...

You're worried now because you never replied to her message, aren't you?

No, it's fine. I'll leave it.

-Yeah. -Probably best to just leave it.

So bored!

Okay. Yes?

Well, why can't we play a game or something?

(SIGHS)

One...

Two...

Three...

Four... Five...

Six... Seven... Eight...

Nine...

Ten...

Eleven...

Twelve...

Why all the sneaking around?

Oh, right. Er, we're playing hide and seek.

-Yeah? -Do you want to play?

'Course I bloody do. Come on!

19... Prime number... 20.

-Out here? -Yes, yes, yes.

-There, there! -What, in here?

-In here? -Yes, yes.

Oh, probably spiders in here.

-Nah, there's no spiders in here. -Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE RINGS)

What's up?

-Did you let her near any crayons? -No.

Right, so she couldn't have eaten a crayon?

-No. Dad, she doesn't have any teeth. -(SIGHS) Okay. Thanks, bye.

-No crayon? -No.

When did you shave your head?

I don't remember. A while ago.

Looks good.

So, what have you been up to?

Uh, in the last year? Like, in the entire year?

-Yeah. -Lots of things.

-Like what? -Er...

I got into the habit of flossing every day. Every single day.

I finished a roll of floss, can you imagine?

I've never flossed, so...

Did you know that I can touch my eyebrow to my nose?

-No. -Ah, do you want to see it?

-Sure. -Yeah.

-Boom. -That's gross.

I'm also really good at balancing spoons on my nose. So...

-Wow. -Yeah. I can do this forever.

I dare you to do it until the meal comes.

-No sweat. That's not a problem. -Okay.

-Hey, why aren't we friends any more? -I don't know.

-Don't be dismissive. You know. -Do I?

Yeah, you know the answer. You would have told Tom the answer.

-What'd you say to Tom about it? -No, I... I don't know.

What does it matter, anyway? We're here now, about to have parmigiana.

Mmm-mmm, delicious. I'm nailing having this spoon on my nose.

Is it because without sex, you're not that interested in me?

-No, I... I don't think... -Is it because I rejected you?

-Did I bruise your ego? -Do I have an ego?

-Yeah, you do, actually. -Hmm, do I?

Thank you.

She didn't seem as impressed as I was hoping.

I really wanted to be friends.

Are you having a bad time?

I feel like maybe you're having a bad time.

No. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up.

No, it's fine. Obviously, you have things you wanna...

-You wanna talk about. -No, I'm being too intense.

Okay.

Look, there is something I want to tell you.

Yeah?

I just feel a bit uncomfortable telling you,

'cause you've got this spoon on your nose.

All right, I will take it off.

(CHUCKLES) Got ya. You've been punked.

-Oh, dammit, I've been totes punked. -Yes!

-Do you have a boyfriend? -No. No.

-No? -No boyfriend. Not for me.

Unloveable.

Would you still have come tonight even if you did?

Geoffrey, you're being intense again, okay?

I don't know why things happened the way they happened.

I promise you, I'm just not paying that much attention.

-Okay. -Okay?

Okay, cool.

-So do you wanna be friends now? -Yeah.

You got no chance, babe.

Nah, it's too slanty.

Shit nose. No, it's too slanty.

Needs to be a bubble. Mine's like a bubble.

-You all right there, Hannah? -I, uh...

It's okay, Hannah, I found it. It was in my bag.

-Good. -Everything all right here, Arnold?

Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

Yeah.

Shit hiding spot.

Yeah, well, I didn't actually trust you were going to come look for us.

I wasn't sure myself.

I'm exhausted.

I'll leave you to it.

-I'm Rose, by the way. -Stuart, shh.

-Do you think they're gonna be... -Shh!

(CHUCKLES) So serious!

I'm not in this to lose, am I?

That's a good point. Me neither.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GIGGLES)

-Thanks. -Thank you.

-JOSH: Hey, Patrick. -PATRICK: Hey!

You must be Geoffrey. I'm Patrick.

Hey, um, we just had the funnest night.

I got Josh to balance a spoon on his nose until the meal came.

Yeah. I'm really good at, er, balancing spoons on my nose.

-Cool. -Incredible.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

But then I tricked him into taking it off.

-(LAUGHS) -Good one.

Nice.

Okay, bye, yep.

Bye. Yep.

That's correct.

Hey.

Oh, my boots. Let me get my boots. Let me get my boots.

It's complicated. I have complicated boots.

Just give me a second. I just... Really need to concentrate.

-God, you're so fast. -(CHUCKLES) I know.

-JOSH: I should have worn loafers. -(GEOFFREY LAUGHS)

Always wear loafers.

JOSH: You done?

Yes!

Ginger?

No-one's looking for you now.

I'm going to go to bed.

Good night.

GINGER: Shit.

You can keep playing if you like.

GINGER: I knew you'd ruin the game.

Do you think they're still looking?

Don't think they are, are they?

Does that mean we won?

I think it means we're fools.

Oh...

(SOBS)

JOSH: Geoffrey?

Geoffrey?

(SOBBING)

It just really seems like you're crying.

I'm sorry, I just didn't know when to tell you.

My dad died.

(SOBS)

Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

-(CONTINUES SOBBING) -What happened?

Oh, shit, okay. When did it happen?

On Monday.

On Monday? This Monday?

(SOBBING) Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. It's just shit. It's so shit.

People die and it's horrible

and there's just nothing anyone can do to make it better.

(SNIFFLING)

Is he the first person in your family to die?

Yep.

When Peg died, it was the first time I realised

that everybody I knew was going to die,

and I was going to die.

It's so crazy terrifying.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

When I was a kid, sometimes my parents, they'd buy me a helium balloon

and I would just spend the whole day, like, so miserable and so tense,

just terrified that I was going to let it go.

You know...

And so when Peg died, I started feeling that way about everybody.

I don't know what my point is there. Is that helpful?

Yeah. (SNIFFS)

Am I being helpful?

You wanna see a picture of my Halloween costume?

Okay.

Wow! That is small.

-I was a sexy bunny. -Playboy bunny?

No, not Playboy. They don't own bunnies, okay?

Okay. I used to have a pet rabbit.

-$haniqua. -What? Tom!

Why didn't you tell me? You know I love rabbits.

-Yeah, she died. -Oh.

That's really sad.

That's really sweet of you to keep that from me.

(MOANS)

(MOBILE RINGS)

Okay, that's gonna be my dad,

and I don't want to look like a horrible guy answering this

while you're...

...with your dad, but my sister's sick.

You have a sister?

-Hi. -ALAN: It's Dad.

Just calling to let you know that she's okay.

-Is she okay? -Yeah.

-Who's that? -It's Geoffrey.

-Hey, Alan! -Hi, Geoffrey!

We just started her on solids, Josh, and I forgot about the beetroot.

I am so sorry. I'm just so, so tired and so stressed.

Yeah, it's okay. I've gotta go now, bye, okay?

Oh, okay.

I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry.

That's fine. I understand. Keep talking.

Okay.

I mean, it would be easier if we believed in heaven

'cause I could tell you that your dad is, like, really happy

and that if you behave yourself, then you will get to see him again.

My dad's not in heaven.

Okay, well, gays don't go to heaven, so you'll probably still get to hang out.

I don't want to hang out.

Okay.

I'm gonna get some wine. Yeah.

Hey, you know how before you said that you wouldn't mind

-if I slept with other people? -Yeah?

-Well, that made me really like you. -Okay?

Like, it made me want you to not sleep with other people.

You think we should be exclusive?

Yes.

Like boyfriend-girlfriend?

Yeah. You're incredible.

We'd be great together.

Okay.

(MOBILE CHIMES)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Message received 11:20pm.

GEOFFREY: Hey, um, so I left.

Er, it's not your fault, okay?

I just... I just got embarrassed crying in front of you

so I'm going to go home and cry alone.

I know you don't want to be friends so I won't ask.

What happened?

Er, he started crying and then he left.

-What did you do? -I don't know.

I thought I was being so charming.

Maybe he cut himself on your pubic hair.

Oh, my God, Patrick, he was telling me about his dead dad.

Right, his dad died on Monday,

and I could not stop my brain from thinking about, like,

how dumb my penis looks. I'm a bad person.

Do you wanna watch something?

Like a show about cupcakes or storage or whatever?

No (CHUCKLES). It's fine.

Watching the people die really helps put my problems into perspective.

Do you want some wine?

-Yeah. -Yeah?