Original subtitles

WOMAN: Have you spent time with your mum while she's elevated before?

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I think so.

So you're okay, you know what to expect.

I thought I did until we had this chat.

ROSE: Whoo, ooh, lovey.

Ooh, this is Josh.

Didn't I tell you about him? Didn't I say he was handsome?

Oh, hi. Oh, lovey.

(GIGGLES) I'm sorry about my hair.

They won't let us have a hair-dryer in here.

No, it looks fine, it looks good. It looks normal.

Or phone chargers, or cords at all.

Like, just in case we... You know.

-(LAUGHS) Ooh. -How are you... How are you feeling?

Good, I'm great. I'm really, really good.

Yeah, I'm better than her

because she tried to commit suicide and that's why she's in here.

I mean, she's gotta be at least 80. Why don't you just let her go?

I'm 86.

(GASPS) Joshie, the food is so good.

We had pavlova last night and then there's cake every night.

Like, there's every single night we can get cake.

-Like Marie Antoinette. -Ooh. (LAUGHS)

Ah, they're taking you out of here today.

Oh, gre... Oh, great!

Oh, good 'cause I'm feeling really good, Joshie.

Better than ever, honestly. Really, really.

We should do something to celebrate.

No, no. They're just letting you out of ICU.

They're sending you into the other bit, just to the regular bit.

No, no. Josh, no.

Aw, Joshie, please.

Please, let me come home. Please.

Please, let me come home.

Okay, okay. Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose, listen to me.

-(SOBS) -Listen to me.

This is a private hospital so we can't make you stay here,

but if you decide to leave, I'll have to call the public hospital.

-(LAUGHING) -Now if the public hospital

thinks you're a risk, they will force you

to stay with them, okay?

(LAUGHS) Okay.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

Why didn't you bring my puppy?

I took him back to the store.

-You didn't, did you? -Yep.

Didn't he seem sad?

Ah, no, he was excited to see all his little buddies.

ROSE: Oh.

Ooh, that's quite nice. It's firm.

I like that, it's going to be good for my back.

(CLEARS THROAT) Have you found a boyfriend yet?

No, Mum, I'm not the problem today, okay?

-You're the problem. -I'm bored of being the problem.

(SIGHS) Hey, I gotta go, okay?

I've gotta help Patrick set up for his birthday party.

-I'm baking a ham. -Ooh, Patrick.

Yes, Patrick, okay?

My housemate and friend, Patrick.

Well, what do I do now?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Get better.

Ugh, hell.

I don't know. I was hoping they might have some ideas.

Okay, well, have fun today, lovey.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

No, no, no, come tonight for dinner.

No, I have the party. I just... I just can't, okay?

(SIGHS)

-See you. -(MUMBLING)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Ma.

I don't have any coins.

You don't need any money in there, okay?

It's all taken care of.

No, no. I need coins to buy delicious chocolate.

Can you bring me some coins, Josh?

(SIGHS) I'm just not going to be able to get in there until tomorrow.

Well, as long as you bring me coins.

Okay, I have to go now though, okay?

No, no. Wait, no. Why don't you cut out the middle man and bring me chocolate?

Yeah, bring me chocolate!

Okay, see you.

Hey, little fella.

Hey.

(SIGHS) Do we really want people going into the spa?

-Hello. -Oh, hi.

Oh, shit.

I'm... I'm here for the party.

(STAMMERS) I'm early. No one's ever on time. I'm sorry. I'll go.

No, it's fine. Welcome, welcome.

Where would you have gone?

I could just sit in the car for a bit and come back later.

(LAUGHS)

I'm Patrick. This is Josh.

-And that's Tom. -Hey.

Erm, I'm Arnold, er, Steve's brother.

Oh, Steve, yeah, cool.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Oh, yeah. I made some elderflower gin spritzer.

Oh, no, no, I don't wanna take your elderflower gin spritzer.

No, it's communal elderflower gin spritzer for the group.

It's... It's, like, for everyone. Everyone, elderflower gin spritzer.

ARNOLD: I love elderflower.

Well, if you feel the same way about gin and spritz,

I would highly recommend this.

I do... I do feel the same way.

-Let's do it. Let's go for it. -Hey, buddy.

I'm worried I put the ham on too late.

I don't think they're expecting to eat.

Any time you bring out an entire leg of ham, they're gonna be happy.

I'm just very worried about this ham.

Every party we just end up standing alone together,

not talking to other people.

Why do we bother?

I think I have a really big penis.

Tom, I know.

I know you think you have a big penis.

Yeah, but I'm just coming to terms with it.

Like, I always assumed because it was me that it was small.

Tom, you're always trying to let me know you have a big penis.

You're always dropping these little penis hints.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, like the time you told me that you couldn't fit it into a toilet roll.

You were trying to put it in a toilet roll.

Yeah, but I didn't know that was big.

Why were you trying to put your penis in a toilet roll?

Because I'm curious. I'm a curious guy.

(LAUGHS) Why are you telling me about it?

Because I tell you things all the time.

I mean, yeah, okay.

(STAMMERS) How big?

It's, er... How big is big?

Like, six inches is average.

What's going on over here, ladies, eh?

Er, we're just talking about penis size.

Thomas thinks he has a big penis.

How big is average?

Seven... Seven inches.

-Really? -Yeah.

I thought six. Six...

No, seven.

Well...

What about thickness?

I don't know, honestly, I don't know.

I'm not that interested. I don't pay that much attention to them.

-You know. -I don't.

-Patrick. Patrick. -Mmm?

Is a toilet-roll-thick penis thick?

-Yeah... Yeah, that's pretty thick. -Oh, my God.

He's asking because once he tried to put it in a toilet roll

and it couldn't fit and he just needs you to know, by the way.

I have a big penis.

Me. Can you believe it?

Mine's average.

Just spot-on average.

I thought mine was bigger than average but... Er, no.

It turns out my idea of average is, er, not right.

Average is good though.

JOSH: You know what? I'm really happy with it.

It's, like, pretty, you know? And everyone always talks about size.

Mine is aesthetically pleasing.

-Mine's bent. -(CHUCKLES)

JOSH: When do you think people are going to wanna eat?

I'm worried I put this ham on too late.

Don't worry, just whenever. Whenever.

-Hey, I don't think we've met. I'm Tom. -Hi.

Josh. I'm Josh.

-This is Jenny. -JOSH: Hey.

Tom was just telling us about his massive penis.

-Mmm. -(LAUGHS)

-No. -Yeah.

Yeah.

-No? No? Oh, our mistake. -No?

Oh, Tom was just telling us about his rubbish penis.

-It's... It's rubbish. -TOM: No.

-JOSH: (WHISPERS) It's rubbish. Oh! -It's not rubbish.

Oh, what is it, then?

Ah, it's good. It's just good.

-(LAUGHS) -JOSH: Good.

It's like mid-length. Medium average.

I thought it... I thought it was big?

(SIGHS) Okay. Yeah, it is. I have a big penis.

-(LAUGHS) -Oh, wow!

-That's a creepy thing to tell my friend. -JOSH: Oh, yeah.

Bragging about your penis, Tom. What the fuck?

I don't mind. Maybe next time I can tell you about my beautiful vagina.

Oh, come on, let's... Let's not be crass.

(CHUCKLES)

(CUTLERY CLANKING)

Oopsie-daisy.

Oopsie-woopsie-woopsie-daisy.

(SIGHS) It's so depressing in here.

(SHAKES CUTLERY)

(SHAKES CUTLERY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-TOM: I'm gonna pee. -Okay.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm thinking about kissing Jenny.

Yeah, do it.

Tom's gonna kiss Jenny.

I'm thinking about maybe trying to kiss Jenny.

I could see that.

She's kinda nice-looking and also desperate for attention.

Do you think it's an issue that she's a child?

Hmm, meh.

Okay.

Oh, you're doing it now? Here he goes. (WHOOPS)

-Hey. -Hey.

Er, what are you drinking?

Just vodka and orange juice.

-Cool, can I try? -Yeah.

-Ah, it's good. Yeah. -Yeah.

(LAUGHS) I never know what to do at parties.

I know... Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES)

Once when I was a teenager, I talked myself

into crying myself to sleep 'cause things in Africa are so grim.

Okay, yeah. Gosh.

I mean, somewhere, someplace, a someone is starving to death

and I have the means to do something about it,

to stop it, but I just don't.

(LAUGHS) That's... Heavy.

Yeah.

Bad... Bad things happen.

Bad things... There are bad things happening.

I'm sorry, I thought maybe if I talked about something hard-core

you'd just have something to do.

We could have something to do.

I thought maybe we could watch Tom be disgusting.

ARNOLD: That's gonna happen.

(BOTH LAUGH)

JOSH: (IMITATING TOM) "Hey, Jenny.

"Hey, er, do you... Do you want to have the worst afternoon of your life?

"Maybe we could make out?"

ARNOLD: Does he always, like, dance-talk?

(LAUGHS) Why...

Why is he doing that?

You must be Rose.

I'm a frog! Yeah!

-Yeah! -(ALL CHEERING)

Patrick, don't cheer. That's my frog costume.

Aw. Hey, I'm gonna go in the spa soon, are you gonna come in the spa?

No, I'm not going in the spa. I don't have enough body confidence.

Why so shy? That Harry always swims and he's heaps fat.

Oh, great. So now I'm physically comparable

-to fat Harry, but not as fun. -You're not fat.

Well, thank you, but I'm not worried about being fat.

I never said I was fat, okay?

I'm just worried my body is uncomfortable to look at.

Okay.

Can you go rescue my frog costume?

Everyone has those stupid things now.

Yeah, I know. I was given it before it was stupid, okay?

I like it. It's my frog costume.

You're gonna have to let go of the frog costume, dude.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Did you know that male giraffes will head-butt the girl giraffes

in the tummy and it makes them pee,

and then they smell the pee to check if they're ovulating?

(LAUGHS) Are giraffes, like, your thing?

I just like them, yeah.

Yeah, I, like, love rabbits. They're... They're my thing.

Yeah, cool.

Now. I think now's the time to eat the ham.

Okay. Do you need help?

We can leave it in there for longer if you think people aren't hungry, though.

Erm, where is your bathroom?

-I'll take you. -That's creepy. Erm, I'll find it.

-Yeah, it's over there. -Thank you.

Okay. Ham time? Ham time.

She's in high school.

-I mean, that's not okay, is it? -She's 18, though.

Okay, fine, you can kiss a high school student.

MAN: I was told there was a ham.

Aw, a motherfucking ham!

Hey, Patrick. Come check out Josh's ham.

Whoo! Josh.

I'm not really sure it's ready.

Yeah, nice.

Oh, looks so good, Josh.

Nah, well it looks burnt first of all,

and I'm worried I've put it on too hot and it's not gonna be warm in the middle.

Oh, that's done, mate.

Let me get my meat thermometer.

Hey.

You know what? Let's have tequila shots about it.

-Yeah, Joshie! -Yeah!

-TOM: Tequila shots? -I'm not having a tequila shot.

-Do you want a shot? -Yeah!

Shots. We don't have any lime or salt, so it's horrible, isn't it?

-It'll be horrible. -Come on, it's my birthday.

-(SIGHS) Okay. -MAN: All right.

Ham shots for all.

(ALL CHEERING)

-MAN: Oh! That... Yes. -(COUGHS)

Joshie! Nice ham, nice shots, Joshie.

Hey! Looks like John likes you.

Want some ham?

-Oh, no, I'm... I'm vegetarian. -Do you wanna give some to John?

Oh, that would make me feel uncomfortable.

I wish that guy would stop wearing my frog onesie.

Oh, I'm sorry, that... That's my brother.

-That's your brother? -Yeah.

-Oh, really? Wow. Wow. -Yeah.

-I'm adopted. -Cool. John is, erm, also adopted.

I adopted him so... Maybe that's why you two get along so well.

Why are you, er, sitting under a... Under a table?

What's that about?

Erm, everyone kept asking me how my weekend was and...

And I... I didn't know how to tell them this is...

-This is my weekend. -Yeah.

This is my weekend event.

I, er... I turned my mum into a mental home.

That's... That's my weekend.

No way, I'm mental.

-Ooh, really? -Yeah.

What... What type?

Erm, I don't know.

My mum thinks she doesn't need to be in there.

Everyone thinks they're the least crazy person in there.

-You've been in one? -Yeah, heaps.

-Are you crazy? -No.

(STAMMERS) Not, I'm not, like... Not on your level.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Like, I'm standard, you know, everyday level of crazy.

Why?

Oh, they just... They, erm... They think it's maybe hereditary.

Oh.

-Oh, not that... -You don't...

-What, I don't... -You...

I don't think you're crazy. It's just... Not like that.

-Yep. -I...

(LAUGHS)

-That's fine. I'm not offended. -I'm sorry, I didn't...

I'm not offended. I mean, I can't be offended because...

You're crazy so it would look really harsh of me

to pretend like that was insulting. (LAUGHS)

So, that's cool.

Oh, oh.

(ALL CHEERING)

-Suck my dick. -Suck his dick!

-Massive dick! -(TOM LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) You wear glasses.

Shit eyes, massively shit eyes.

No, Arnold, it's still our turn.

You sure you're okay, Josh? You don't wanna have a rest,

'cause you've had a rough day with your mum and all?

ALL: Oh!

(ALL CHEER)

At least I have a mum, orphan.

-Man, what the fuck? -Wha...

-(STAMMERS) We were playing. -What's wrong?

Erm, I'm adopted. He's teasing me 'cause I'm adopted.

Whoa, Josh, what the fuck?

I'm just playing.

Yeah, it's funny. It's... It's okay.

Nah, man, that's... That's fucked.

He's my brother, man. That is so not cool.

He said that thing about my mum.

Yeah, but Steve's brother... He can't handle that stuff.

Yeah, he can. He just said, "It's okay."

He's just being fucking polite, you douchebag.

-ARNOLD: Steve, I'm not. -He's not.

It's so much more humiliating for him

to have you tell him he's not okay, all right?

You're the one making him feel weird now, not me.

I'm not the monster here, okay? I'm not the monster.

Can we... Can we drink these now?

Nah, it's cool, Arnold.

No. Yes, you have to drink them.

I got the ball in the same cup as the other ball,

and that means you guys have to drink all the cups.

Every single cup and our cup.

Arnold, it's cool, man. Honestly, don't worry.

I'm not gonna not drink them. I don't wanna waste them.

Me neither.

Fucking party.

Good time.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

PATRICK: All right, Joshie.

It got a bit weird in there at the beer pong.

Yeah, it's fine.

Sorry, mate. Sorry, Joshie. Poor form. Poor form on the boys, mate.

It's really fine. I get it.

Okay, he's your brother. I get it, it's fine.

STEVE: Nah, mate. Idea, right.

Me, you, Arnie and Patrick...

In the spa, shots. Yeah?

-Nah. -STEVE: Yeah?

-Nah. -Josh doesn't like the spa.

Nah, come on. It's like a peace offering.

Nah, I don't need a peace offering. I promise I'm feeling very peaceful.

If anything I'm feeling too peaceful.

Nah, this needs to happen, yeah. Like, erm... Like a party baptism.

He does have a point.

Does he? Does he have a point?

Yeah, come on. Come on.

No. Oh, gosh, no. Oh, ah, no.

My beer. Okay, no.

-STEVE: Josh. -No, no.

No. I don't want to.

(GRUNTS)

-I don't want to go in the spa. -Oh, God. Boys, boys, put him down.

-Yes. I'm down. -ROSE: Oh, Josh.

Thanks, Mum.

ROSE: Oh, goodness me.

Josh, that place is so depressing,

so I thought I'd come over and help you with the ham.

Oh, what are you doing here?

Okay, you know that coming here is bad, right?

That's what put you there in the... In the first place.

I'm gonna take you back.

No, no, no, no. Don't take me back. I wanna party with everybody.

-I'll party, I'll party. -(LAUGHS)

Ham cock! Ham cock.

(LAUGHS)

Ham cock. Ham cock!

(SIGHS) You like that? That's fun?

-The ham cock? -(ROSE LAUGHING)

It's a cock fashioned out of ham.

Pork sword.

(SIGHS) I'm gonna call a cab.

I'll take you back, okay? Stay here.

Just wait, just stay right here.

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah, right here. I'll stay right here.

-Just right here. -(LAUGHS) He's cute.

Is... Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's fine.

Erm, I'm sorry about my brother.

I have to go, okay? Look me up on Facebook.

Erm, I don't have Facebook.

Okay, well I don't have time to indulge you

about why you made that choice.

JOSH: Right, come on. Let's do this. ROSE: Oh!

Oh, I hung out with those girls today. Let's go over there.

Yeah, Mum, I don't think that's... You're not allowed to...

-Are you Rose? -Ah, yeah. Hi.

I'm Ginger. We share a bathroom.

(GASPS) Your shirt is so beautiful...

The bathroom's a mess.

You didn't pick up your towels. Why didn't you pick up your towels?

(LAUGHS) It's just gonna get messy again.

It's a shared space.

(LAUGHS) You're worried about towels... I saved your life today.

You're a dirty tattletale.

Do you know how hard it is to get a hair-dryer into this place?

They took it off me!

Hey, Ginger, I'm Josh. I'm, er... I'm Rose's son.

I couldn't give a shit.

I brought chocolates. Do you want some chocolate?

And besides, I wasn't trying to kill myself.

If I was trying to kill myself, I'd be dead.

-(LAUGHS) -It's easy to kill yourself.

It is! People do it by accident all the time.

So you don't want a chocolate?

Yeah, but don't sit there. Come here.

This is my friend.

Hannah, that's Rose and that's Josh.

Rose is my new roommate, Hannah's depressed.

Open the chocolates.

So why are you here?

I'm a sex addict.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, I'm addicted to sex.

How many times does someone have to have sex

before they're an official addict?

I don't know. Never found anyone that wants to fuck me.

I know the problem.

(BOTH LAUGH)

So... So why are you actually here?

-I'm bipolar. Boring, innit? -Me too.

I know that. I tricked the nurses into telling me.

Gosh.

You see, in here we all hang out,

all the bipolar and the depressed people.

It's like prison, except we don't separate into race,

we separate into illness.

I saw you talking to the eating disorders...

"Like prison"?

Yeah, like high school mixed with prison.

JOSH: That is the most terrifying combination

of places I could imagine.

Does anybody want that last chocolate?

ALL: Yes.

(GASPS) Oh!

Why don't we play that game from the film?

What's the film, Joshie?

-Notting Hill? -Yeah, yeah, yeah,

where the person with, erm, the saddest story

gets the last treat.

Yeah, that'll be good.

Do you really think that's a good idea here?

Oh... Yeah, no. Well, we won't make it sad.

Look, Ginger's a sex addict, we'll make it sexy.

Whoever has the worst, erm, losing-your-virginity story

gets the chocolate, yeah? You go first.

-(SIGHS) -Oh, ooh, I know this. I know this.

(LAUGHS)

He thought he was inside her, but he wasn't really.

-No! -Yeah.

-JOSH: No. -(LAUGHS)

I mean, yeah, but that doesn't really count, does it?

I just... I have another story anyway.

She had an asthma attack, I thought I was doing a good job.

No, turns out my room was just dusty.

Yeah, See, I always told you to tidy your room and you never did.

-You never listened to me. -Yeah, that's why.

-What about you? -Aw, no, mine was lovely.

My parents were away and Josh's dad took me out for dinner

with all the money he had in the world.

Aw, that wasn't sad at all.

-Your first time was with Dad? -Yeah.

No, that is the saddest story I've ever heard.

-You're winning. -Oh, yeah, very sad.

(LAUGHS) Ginger?

I was saving myself for marriage, but my first love, Roger,

he didn't like that so he broke up with me.

And I got really angry so I went to a party

and I got very drunk and I slept with his best friend...

-JOSH: Hmm. -...whom I hate.

ROSE: Okay, yeah. I guess that's...

I vomited on him.

(LAUGHS) Okay, I still think Mum's winning.

No, it... He was very fat.

-(JOSH LAUGHS) -Hannah?

I was raped.

Oh, fuck.

(STAMMERS) Oh, that's very forward of you.

No, Hannah, I'm really sorry, okay?

If Mum had known, I'm sure she wouldn't have asked.

No, I don't mind.

I knew the whole time you were talking, I was going to get the chocolate.

-I was raped too. -Wha...

I didn't know that rape counted.

I mean, I was raped on my first time as well.

-Really? -Yeah.

-She's lying. -Am not.

-Are you lying? -No.

Er...

I... I still think Hannah should get the chocolate.

-Why? -I don't know. She said it first.

No!

I'm sorry, Hannah.

You owe me a chocolate.

Yeah.