Original subtitles

Oh, shit, sorry, mate. You gonna be long?

Uh-uh. Be done in a sec.

-I'm Rod. -Geoffrey.

Yeah, you're Josh's mate.

-I'm Josh's boyfriend. -What?

Oh, shit.

You sticking around today?

No, no, I'd best be off.

Rose is trying to sell the house.

I think we're gonna help her clean up.

Yeah, I gotta go and see my daughters.

Shit.

Standing in front of a naked homosexual

and society says I've just got to be polite.

(RINSING)

(TAP TURNS ON)

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

Josh, I have a surprise for you.

-Oh, no, no. -Josh.

Don't be like that, please.

Geoffrey's got something really nice planned for you.

-You need to be grateful, all right? -I'm scared...

-I'm scared of surprises. -I have an afternoon planned for us.

You'll like it.

If he doesn't want to go, you can take me.

That's creepy. You're getting creepy every day.

-More and more creepy. -Best be off.

(GROWLS)

(SIGHS) Thank God he's not staying for breakfast.

I don't like soy!

Think I might need to get a new job if we're gonna have a kid.

(SIGHS) No, just... Just don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it? Kids are expensive.

I got a locksmith the other day and it cost $160.

Took him, like, five minutes.

You don't need a new job.

It's like a six-week course and I think I'd be really good at it.

You know, you don't have to come with me today.

Our first doctor's appointment? I'm not gonna miss that.

Well, it's just, I'll be fine on my own.

Are you kidding, Niamh?

I'm gonna be there for you every step of the way.

This is our baby.

I don't want to miss a single second of this experience.

This is, like, the whole point of life.

It's a miracle.

(CUTLERY CLATTERING)

What?

Is this the hormones?

JOSH: Peg, come on, just please let me drive.

-You're gonna get in trouble. -Oh, what can they do to me?

Take away my licence again?

Send me to prison? (SCOFFS)

I've only got a few good months left anyway.

Josh, are you sure we're doing enough for your 21st?

Perhaps we could get a hall or something.

Yes, please, I told you.

-I just, I don't want a party. -Well, you're gonna get a party.

We don't need a freaking hall.

I only have two friends and Geoffrey.

I just want it to be special, that's all.

Your 21st, it's a big deal.

Bought me this pinata, okay? It's already heaps special.

Special enough.

Have you invited your father? You should invite your father.

No, we don't need to. I'll just see him another day.

Oh, no, Josh, I'm fine. Invite him.

Look, no, really, I'm fine.

Look, he can bring a date.

Has he got a girlfriend?

I don't know.

Wouldn't know if he has a girlfriend.

You said that like you were lying.

Okay, fine! He has a girlfriend.

He doesn't want me to tell you about it, okay?

So, why doesn't he want me to know about it?

I don't know, I guess he thinks it'll upset you, you know?

He leaves her at the corner store every time he comes to visit.

(INAUDIBLE)

-It's pretty ridiculous. -Yeah, he's a ridiculous man.

-Yeah. -Anyone want a strawberry?

-ROSE: So what's her name? -Mae.

Oh! Mae?

(SOFTLY) Oh, bugger.

Come on, stop crying.

You knew he'd have to move on one day.

Anyway, you've got Rod.

Oh, Rod is disgusting!

He really is disgusting.

Now, why would that freaking jerk think that I couldn't handle this news? Hmm?

Josh, would you pass me my CD?

-It's in. -Oh, good!

-(CHUCKLES) We'll have a sing-along! -JOSH: Yes!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ It's time to begin, now count it in ♪

♪ 5-6-7-8 ♪

-Join in. -No, I don't want to.

♪ My dance floor date ♪

-I want to see you dance. -Not in the mood, Peg.

-What's happening? -It's something we do.

Just go with it.

It's the chorus soon.

Will you be joining us?

No.

-Uh, Peg, I don't think you can stop here. -(BRAKES SCREECH)

-(HONKING) -Oh, okay, fine!

♪ My boot scootin' baby is driving me crazy ♪

♪ My obsession from a western, my dance floor date ♪

♪ My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe ♪

♪ Wanna make you mine, better get in line ♪

♪ 5-6-7-8 ♪

♪ Foot kickin', finger clickin', leather slappin', hand clappin' ♪

♪ Hip bumpin', music thumpin', knee hitchin', heel and toe ♪

♪ Floor scuffin', leg shufflin', big grinnin', body spinnin' ♪

♪ Rompin', stompin', slidin', glidin', here we go... ♪

♪ My boot scootin' baby ♪

♪ Is drivin' me crazy ♪

♪ My obsession from a western... ♪

(CAR DOORS SLAMMING)

(SIGHS)

-Alan. -Hello, Rose.

Thank you so much for coming to help out today.

I really appreciate it, it's very generous of you.

-Should we get started? -Mmm-hmm.

Open for inspection.

-Right. -Right.

So, where do we start, then?

Should I vacuum? Jesus, when was the last time you vacuumed?

I'm depressed, I don't vacuum.

Don't look at me.

We're in the same family, we all have the same habits.

I'll vacuum?

No, please, you really, you really don't need to vacuum.

No, and you won't have time if you're gonna make the game.

What game?

Rose, it was meant to be a surprise.

He really doesn't like surprises, Geoffrey.

I don't. What game?

Collingwood vs. St Kilda members stand.

Oh, no, not AFL. I don't like it.

You know I don't like it.

-I don't get it, I don't understand... -I'll teach you.

No, I don't want to watch sport and do learning.

-Josh... -It's not a fun day.

What about Claire's '70s theme dinner party?

-I'm really excited about... -We will be there on time, Josh.

(SIGHS) Can't you just take someone else? I'll ruin the fun for you.

Can't you just find a real boy?

Well, you can stay here and help us.

My advice is take the football.

ROSE: Alan?

Alan? Can you come here, please?

-Yep. -I've got a job for you outside

while I've got a real man here.

Okay? Come on.

Now, I think this would look much better in the backyard.

Uh... (CHUCKLES)

Rose, there's no way.

-There's just no way. -No, you just have to dig it up.

I'll help you carry it around the back, you'll be right.

-There's no way. -No, come on.

I really need this done.

I don't have anybody here to help me do it.

-It's not possible. -Okay.

Fine. Forget it, then.

Let's just go down to the corner store for some chocolate milk, shall we?

Uh, Rose, I don't think we've got time to go down to the, uh...

What are you doing? We don't have time for milk.

I just want some delicious milk.

What are you doing?

I know about her.

Okay? I know.

I know she's waiting down at the corner store.

Josh said.

(SIGHS) For fuck's sake. Why would he do that?

Why the fuck does that matter? He told me because it came up.

Okay, yes, yes. You're right.

Anyway, I've decided I'm not angry about it.

I've moved on anyway, I'm happy for you.

-Oh. -Yeah, anyway.

Look, about this tree.

Hey, Ma. Me and Geoffrey are going out to the football, all right?

But you hate sport.

Yeah. So much, I hate it so much.

Bye. All right, Alan, now.

I'm going into the kitchen to do some tidying up.

I'm going to leave you with this tree.

Rose, that...

So... What's she like, then?

-Who? -Mee.

-Uh, Mae. -Yeah, just...

Tell me about her, I want us to be friends.

-And then I can tell you about Rod. -Who's Rod?

Man I'm seeing.

-That's good. -Yeah, so where did you meet her?

-On a plane. -Oh, that's good.

She's from Thailand.

And she came all the way out here for you?

Yeah.

She mustn't have very good eyesight.

They don't all have bad eyesight, Rose.

What? Oh, Alan! No, not because she's Asi...

Oh! Hang on, I was making a joke about you, about how you look...

I was joking about how she came all the way out here for you

and you look like, ugh, that.

-Right, that's very funny. -Hmm.

So tell me about Rod.

Oh, well, he's horrible to talk to but he's incredible in bed.

Best I've ever had.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Go, go, go!

Oh, that's useless...

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Come on, Pies!

...on the fifth one...

(STUTTERS) Grab the ball!

-Hey. -I'm at the football.

Oh, really? What's it like?

Tom, I'm so fucking bored.

Geoffrey keeps yelling things that I can't understand.

-How did he talk you into this? -I'm making compromises, okay?

Apparently, it's good to compromise.

You never compromise.

Yeah, I know.

'Cause then I end up in situations like this. (GRUNTS)

Why did I get back with him?

I'm just such a big dope.

Uh, 'cause he's pretty and you were rejected and alone?

Yeah.

How's your baby?

We're at the doctor now.

Oh, were you... Are you getting it done?

-Done? -Like, you're getting it all,

you know... (EXCLAIMS)

No.

We're not getting an... We're not getting an abortion.

-I want to keep it. -I've been thinking

and I think one of my favourite things about Geoffrey

is that he doesn't have a uterus. You know?

'Cause it means that we can never get ourselves into this situation.

I think it's good for the world there's no risk you could get someone pregnant.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

You know, I'll be surprised if your sperm actually works.

(CHUCKLES)

GEOFFREY: Get the ball, you idiot! Get on him!

On him!

Geoffrey, I've decided that I want to get involved. I'm ready.

Okay, okay, you see this bloke?

-Yes. -Centre half-forward, right?

His main role is to move the ball toward the bloody goal!

Don't drop it!

You sound angry. Is he bad? Is he a bad one?

-He was the best and fairest last year. -He's the best one?

(LAUGHS) So, I can yell whatever I like at these people

even though they're doing way more than I ever could?

He's not doing anything today... You, butter-fingered piece of shit!

What are you gonna do when you get too old to do this?

The life of a sportsman is short and you never got a real education!

Pick up the ball, you idiot!

What, are your hands still slipping from when you...

I was gonna say, "Are your hands still slippery

"from when you fingered your cousin?" but I couldn't do it.

You fingered your cousin!

Geoffrey, I've seen that man's wang on the Inside.

Yep, that's him.

Excuse me, sir, I've seen your wang!

That is weak as piss! Bring your husband next time, you faggot!

Faggot!

Geoffrey, I don't think you're allowed to say "faggot."

-You, faggot! -GUARD: Excuse me, boys.

-Excuse me, boys. -No, it's okay.

I told him, we'll calm down.

Mate, I can't allow that kind of homophobic slandering.

-I think it's time to go. -Homophobic?

Mate, it's my boyfriend. We can't be homophobic.

Yeah, still time to go, lads. Come on.

(CROWD CHEERING)

-Why did you say that? -What?

About Rod and, uh, you know, the bloody bedroom thing?

You're trying to make me feel bad?

-It was a joke. -Oh.

It's not a big deal. I'm sure Mae has "moves."

Jesus, Rose, do we need to talk more seriously about this?

Oh, you seem a bit taken aback.

Sorry, is the sex a sore spot?

Is it not great?

Communication is the key, I've always found that.

Jesus Christ.

Sex is not a sore spot with Rod, I can tell you.

-BOTH: 'Cause there's no communication. -(LAUGHING)

I'm gonna go.

You're angry at me 'cause I kissed you?

No, no, it's nothing like that, I promise.

I just... I wanna go and do my own thing.

You're just ashamed about kissing me in public.

It's not about you. I just... I don't like it.

I don't like all those people looking, it's icky.

It's just... You can't handle that you fall in love with a guy.

Who the fuck says something like this?

Sounds like a line from Degrassi Junior High.

You're so afraid to feel things, Josh!

-It's not about feeling things. -Yeah, because you can't.

Yes, I can. I can! I can feel things.

You know what? I don't need this.

Claire! What you up to?

-What are you doing? -I'm done.

Oh, you're quitting. What a surprise.

-Ah! -Oh, sorry, Peg.

Rose, I just want you to know

that I am genuinely doing the things that I'm doing

to try to make this easier for you.

Easy like your mama?

Really, Rose.

"Really, Rose!"

Can you please be serious?

-What are you doing? -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Stop it! Why are you making this so difficult?

-Easier for me? -(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Now, how arrogant, Alan, of you

to think that you are in control of making things easier for me?

We're divorced, mate!

Like, that's it! It's over! You're irrelevant!

-So why should I be... -Stop it!

-...making things easier for you? -Stop it!

Sorry. Hi.

I was knocking for a while.

House looks great.

(ALAN CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, hi. I'm the agent.

I'm the aunty. (CHUCKLES)

Gonna... Sell this house.

Good luck. (LAUGHS)

No, not those ones, the others.

-These ones? -Yeah.

Do you think I should be okay with kissing boys in public?

Well, you weren't okay with kissing me in public.

Exactly! Exactly!

It's too much, you know?

It's just so... Ugh!

Ugh!

Okay, I have to tell you something but don't tell Tom that I've told you.

-Okay. -No, I mean it.

You really, really can't tell him that I've told you.

I'm only telling you because I don't have anyone else.

Yes, okay, okay. Yes, okay.

And don't be mean about it either, please.

Yes. Fine.

-What? -Um...

Tom and I...

Made out.

No...

You poor thing.

-What did he do to you? -Nothing, I liked it.

We made out twice, actually. Once properly and once briefly.

No... How did you... How did you find sex in...

-In Tom? -We didn't have sex, though.

Yes, of course. Okay, obviously, of course.

Of course you didn't have sex. Obviously.

We did make out in the shower, though.

-He did ejaculate on my thigh. -Oh, no, that's too much.

Why would you tell me that? You know, this is just... (SIGHS)

Claire, this is too much for me to handle.

Well, I'm only telling you because I have no friends

and I have to tell someone about this stuff.

Okay.

Okay.

-Also... -No.

No, there isn't an also.

I won't believe it, I can't. I can't believe it.

I really liked it.

I... I'd like to do it again.

A lot.

I liked it. I like him.

Yeah? Sure, I like him, too.

You know what I mean? He's a likeable guy.

-What a likeable chap. -Yeah, but I like like him.

No... (GROANS)

-(GROANS) -(LAUGHS)

Okay, I get it.

-I just... -Ugh...

Can you please just pretend to be sensitive

and caring about my feelings

like I know you're actually quite secretly good at?

No, I'm not secretly good at it.

I'm not.

Whatever.

Anyway, I just...

I really can't wait for him to get rid of Niamh.

I just... I can't stand her. She's the worst.

Hey...

-I have some fucked news. -What?

Uh... They are keeping the baby.

I feel a bit weird that I said that news like it as fucked.

I mean, that's good news, that's okay news.

They're not gonna... Kill a baby, I guess.

That's good news, that's not the point.

It's bad news for you, personally because, like...

You know, you really like him and maybe he likes you and,

I just...

I'm just hoping that if I keep talking

it'll take longer for you to say something that points out

how completely heart breaking this is for you.

-Okay. -Really?

Do you wanna cancel tonight? We should cancel tonight.

-No. -We'll cook at Mum's house,

-I'll tell them... -No.

I'll just tell them it was my fault.

(SIGHS) It's fine. I should just deal with this head-on anyway.

-Yes? Okay. -Stupid, yes.

Yeah.

Up, up, up, up.

So, you can see we've got a two-car garage.

Big gate. No-one's getting through that.

Substantial front yard so,

you can play sports and whatnot.

It's got a very lovely front entrance there with the two trees.

You wanna keep going? I'll give you this brochure.

Thank you.

Not really sure what their plan is here.

We'll just keep going.

Thanks very much.

"I... hate... you."

(MOBILE CHIMES)

"I... just...

"Wanted to...

"Be...

"There for...

"You and Josh.

"But...

"...I guess magic dick Rod has it covered."

BOTH: Ugh...

-Look, she's Thai, isn't she? -Yep.

You should say something about... Ping-pong.

-Oh, you're good, Peg. -Hmm.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's good.

"Does she...

(LAUGHING)

-"...do ping..." -Pong.

"...pong?"

Oh, shit! No, not... Not "ping-ping."

This bloody... Oh!

It's damned autocorrect. How do you...

-How do you get it to go back? -I don't know.

Oh! Shit.

Oh, no, here we go. okay.

"Ping ping."

(EXHALES) Stupid fucking shit thing!

Ping-pong!

-(SIGHS) -Come on, here. Use that.

-NIAMH: Hey, guys! -Hi.

So good to see you. Hope you don't mind.

Brought a salad.

Oh, we're doing '70s theme.

So, whatever.

Oh, salad's salad.

-No, we have lots. -Yeah, but it's not '70s.

How can a salad be '70s, Claire?

TOM: So, we have some news.

Niamh is not pregnant.

Uh, yeah, I thought I was but I'm not.

Oh, thank God.

Uh, so how did you find out that you're not?

We went to the GP today and had a test.

You only just got tested?

Well, yeah. My period was late. It's usually like clockwork.

I was really getting into the idea of having a little kid, too.

CLAIRE: So, what, I'm sorry...

You told everyone that you were pregnant because your period was late?

It's just, you know... Sometimes that happens.

Sometimes your period is late, isn't it?

I think we just got a bit carried away.

No, Tom. Can you really not see how ridiculous it is

to tell people that you're pregnant because your period is late?

Did you even take a home test?

Niamh says her period is like clockwork.

I knew that she'd made it up.

Did I not say that she'd made it up?

She bamboozled you by talking about periods.

-It's very cunning. -NIAMH: No, no, no, I didn't.

You can get these home tests at the store, Niamh.

You don't just tell people you're pregnant without taking a test.

You know what, I don't understand why you're so upset about this, Claire.

I mean, Tom and I are the ones who have lost our baby.

CLAIRE: Tom and you never had a baby.

You lied to him because you thought that he was going to break up with you.

No! I thought I was pregnant.

-JOSH: Geoffrey. -TOM: Geoffrey.

Josh, I want to talk to you.

Oh, no, no, not now.

Now.

Can you guys just maybe, just do me a favour

and stop this fight for a bit briefly?

It's just, I don't want to miss it.

No?

There's more cheese in the fridge.

Anybody want some... Want some cheese?

CLAIRE: Tom and I made out.

Twice.

How could you do this to me?

When I was pregnant?

You were never pregnant.

You thought I was pregnant.

It wasn't when you were not pregnant.

Well, the first time but it was actually when we were broken up

and the other time was drunk and it didn't mean anything.

You're kidding me? It meant nothing?

-You were... He was sobbing. -No, just...

Just looked like I was sobbing 'cause it was raining.

You know, Claire, I was really, really wrong about you.

This whole time I thought you were angry

'cause, well, you know, you're a little bit plain

but turns out you're actually just a bitch.

We really need to talk about what happened today.

No, don't worry about it.

I called Claire and we hung out. It's fine.

You're dismissive of my emotions.

Well, you're the one who walked away.

Yeah, I was too hurt to stay.

-Can't this wait? -No.

Josh, it can't, like...

This is important to me, okay?

I'm supposed to be important to you so this should be important to you.

Every time we fight, I don't know who to talk to

because the only person I want to talk to

is my best friend and you're my best friend.

Really?

I know, I can be annoying at times but it's part of who I am.

Okay? And I want to give you all of me, the best parts and the worst.

Why do I have to put up with the worst parts?

That's what I want from you too, okay? All of you.

I don't care what comes with that.

How could you do this to me?

Home wreckers.

-Your home is made of lies. -(SCOFFS)

-Tom loves me. -Oh, really?

'Cause that's not the impression I got when I was in the shower with him.

Look, this is...

This fighting is very flattering.

I just think maybe we could stop now?

You stole my man.

We were broken up at the time. The first time.

I'm not threatened. Tom can like you.

I mean, heterosexual boys never like you.

Do they, Claire?

Huh!

-Tom. -Yep?

You coming?

Well, I don't know.

I was thinking, I'm just not sure what to do.

Tom, what the fuck are you talking about?

-Of course you're picking me. -Yeah, I am.

I'm just gonna stay here, if that's cool.

-Thanks. She's quite right. -Okay.

ALAN: I'm sorry that it had to end like this.

ROSE: Fuck you.

Look, we should have separated years ago, Alan.

I didn't want to leave you alone.

Oh, I'm not alone, Alan. I'm fine.

Hi.

Uh, we're all done for the day.

So, I'll call you later, tell you how it went.

Yeah, good, thanks. Thank you.

Okay, Peg. There's no more beer, we got to go inside.

Come on, show's over.

Peg?

Stay.

Jesus.

(DOG BARKS)

Look, I don't understand why out of everyone,

you're the person I have to try the hardest to impress?

What do you think? Can we just, can we give this...

Give us a better shot?

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)

Geoffrey, I just...

Nah...

No.

I'm sorry.

(MOBILE CONTINUES VIBRATING)