Original subtitles

-I broke up with Geoffrey. -What? Why?

He just keeps saying how much he likes me.

What a dick.

No, you don't understand. It's all the time.

Constantly, just constantly all the time how much he likes me and then

I have to think of nice things to say and I never can,

and, I think, it's because I think I don't really like him, you know?

I think, I think, I think I just...

I'm grateful that he has so many muscles and he's willing to kiss me.

Niamh's coming over today to talk about the baby.

About what we're going to do.

-(TOILET FLUSHES) -Oh, shit, I think he's coming.

-What, he's still there? -Yeah.

He went to the bathroom to cry.

I feel horrible that we wasted this conversation

on my less-important problems.

Do you feel at all horrible

that you didn't wait for him to leave before you called me?

When you say you're going to decide what you're gonna do with the baby,

do you mean you deciding if you're gonna have an abortion?

-Yeah, I guess so. -Oh, man, that's fucked.

But I've really gotta go. I've gotta go.

You okay?

I don't even want to waste energy talking to you about it.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

-Josh? -I made you a sandwich.

-I've decided to do Internet dating. -Okay.

And I need a photo for the, um... Profile thing.

Good. Okay.

(SIZZLING)

-What? -Come on.

-Why are you looking at me like that? -Come on.

-What? -(SINGSONG VOICE) Come on. I need you.

-I really need you and I love you. -Okay, fine.

-Yes, fine. -Good!

Uh, maybe, you could try smiling.

-(LAUGHS) -(CLICK)

-So, when did you start being gay? -Oh, what?

-(CLICK) -No, I don't... I don't know.

Well, did you just realise, or what?

No, I had an idea, you know.

-I just sort of hoped it was a phase. -But it's not a phase?

-(PHONE BEEPS) -Nah.

-Who's it from? -Geoffrey.

Oh, he's so lovely, Josh.

Oh, yeah, but we broke up.

-Oh. You okay? -Yeah.

No. I, I broke up with him, so I'm the winner.

Oh, now, come on. Show me the photos.

I can't stand this. Show it to me. Show it to me.

-Oh! Oh, Josh, they're awful! -(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, they're so awful!

(LAUGHS) No. I think I should get more of my boobs out.

-Really? -Do you think...

I could get more of my boobs out.

-Come on, take a photo of my boobs. -I guess boys kind of like that.

-Yeah, take boobs. -Oh, no.

-No, don't be silly. Is that better? -Nah.

-Josh, take it with... Josh! (LAUGHS) -Nah... (CHUCKLES)

-No. -Take it with the boobs out.

-(LAUGHING) Josh, don't be silly! -Nah.

-(JOSH LAUGHING) -(BARKING)

-Who did this? -What?

I have been reported to VicRoads for dangerous driving.

Apparently, if you're old,

people can just spy on you and dob you in to the authorities

and you're punished for it.

Old people get penalised and have to redo their test.

You're not old, are you? Are you old?

You don't look a day over 12.

-Did you do this? -No, I didn't do it.

But you think I'm a bad driver.

I think you're the worst. Like, I think you're just the worst.

But I didn't do it.

I didn't know you could. Otherwise I probably would have.

Rose did it.

Mum doesn't have the confidence to make calls to strangers.

ROSE: Josh!

-Josh! -(BARKING)

ROSE: Josh! Lovey!

-(TYPING) -Yeah?

Oh, I can't figure out how to put the picture on here.

I've figured out how to do all the...

About me stuff and I don't know how to put the goddamn picture there.

Okay.

"Mother of one boy and one dog."

And that's your... That's your headline?

Yeah, that's who I am.

It's not very alluring, though, is it?

Well, it's... I don't know.

Okay, I just... I just think you should put something, like, snappy and fun.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, "Hello, boys!"

(LAUGHS) Okay, not that, but...

Just something, you know, fun?

Yeah, but it should be honest, though.

Honesty's good. That's good.

What's something honestly fun about you?

Um... (SIGHS)

I guess we'll just come back to it.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

-I will find out who did this. -(LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGING AT OTHER END)

-(BEEP) -NIAMH: (RECORDING) Hello, this is Niamh.

I'm not available at the moment.

Just leave me a glorious message.

(BEEPING)

Hey, um...

Just wondering when you're coming over today.

It's Tom.

Love you.

This guy says his ideal date is a nice dinner overlooking the ocean,

not fish and chips, and then a walk along the beach.

-Why no fish and chips? -(LAUGHS) I don't know. Is that a problem?

Do you need a man that likes fish and chips?

-Oh, just send him a thing. -A kiss?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-Oh. -This guy hates racists.

-Are you... Are you racist? -Well, I don't know. Am I?

No more than is normal, I don't think.

Well, send him a thing too.

This guy is just an honest bloke who likes a laugh.

-Well, that sounds nice. -Everyone likes a laugh.

Who doesn't like a laugh? Doesn't make you special.

-Oh... Just send him a thing. -(COMPUTER BLEEPS)

-What was that? -(LAUGHING) Someone wants to chat to you.

-(GASPS) -What do we do?

Oh, my Lord, an actual person's chatting to us!

-Well, say, "Hi." -No, this has gone too far.

I'm not pretending to be my mother

talking to strange men on the Internet.

-Josh, time to go. -JOSH: Where do you want to go?

Well, I'm not going to stand around here for days being humiliated,

while I try and work out who did this thing to me.

I'm doing my test this afternoon.

(BEEPING)

PEG: Come on, come on, come on.

JOSH: Coming.

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

-(GEARS GRINDING) -(SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)

(ENGINE REVVING)

PEG: Oh, I'm going to be fine.

I've been driving for over 50 years.

Yeah?

No, you'll be good, yeah.

Maybe you just need to relax a little.

-I am relaxed! -Okay. Right.

Did you bring your phone?

I'm having coffee with Dad and, maybe, you can call me when you're done.

I'm not an idiot.

I... I never said you were, Peg.

But you dobbed me in to the cops, though, didn't you?

I just... I really didn't.

(THUDS)

(JANGLING)

-Here. -What are you doing?

-I'm just giving you a kiss goodbye. -You've never done that before.

-Not since you were a little... -I was just trying to be nice.

You patronising little shit!

(THUD)

Hey, um...

Just wondering, um...

I thought you were going to come over.

I thought you were going to come over and talk about this...

About the thing.

Um...

Maybe your phone's flat or something like that...

I left you some Facebook messages in case. Just...

I'm at home, so give me a call.

Bye.

-ALAN: How's your mother? -Yeah, good.

She seems happy.

-Have you got her doing things? -She has to get up and do things.

Yeah, Dad, she's...

Uh, she started Internet dating...

Today.

-Is that safe? -Yeah.

Yeah, it's safe.

Really? She's going to meet men off the Internet?

I think that's the...

I think that's the general point.

-Isn't that a bit uncool? -No, Dad. People do that these days.

Yeah, but she wouldn't meet them at their house, would she?

(SNORTS) I don't know. I don't know.

I didn't ask her where she was planning on meeting the men.

I hope not at the house.

-How much does it cost? -(PHONE BEEPS)

She picked a free one. Plenty of Fish.

-(TYPING) -ALAN: Sounds dodgy.

It's fine.

ALAN: Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

How would you feel if I moved to Thailand?

-Are you moving to Thailand? -No, I don't...

You're telling me that you're moving to Thailand?

No, I don't know yet. But Mae wants to move back.

Does it mean that sometimes you'd pay for me to fly to Thailand?

Yeah, if you like.

But then I'd have to see you there, once I get there?

You'd want to hang out?

-(PHONE BEEPS) -Yeah.

-That's a shame. -(TYPING ON PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

(EXHALES)

Hi, Peg. Yeah.

We're just down the road, okay.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, bye. Yep.

-In the sea. -What?

Plenty of fish in the sea.

-Probably where it comes from. -Yeah.

That's why they called the website...

Yeah.

Hey, Aunty Peg.

I'm not your aunty. I never was.

How'd it go?

-(JANGLING) -Oh.

JOSH: Okay.

Are you going to open the goddamn car,

or are we gonna have some sort of car park party?

-Yep. -Jesus! Shit!

(MUTTERS INAUDIBLY)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

♪ It's time to begin Now count it in ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ My boot scootin' baby ♪

♪ Is driving me crazy... ♪

Oh, what's that, the car? Oh, it's slowing down!

Peg, it doesn't seem to be responding that well to my singing!

-Oh, no! -Don't be silly.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, it says it'll only speed up if you...

-If you start singing. -I'm not singing!

Oh, well, we're in a pickle. We're in a pickle.

Come on, you used to love this.

You used to love it when Uncle Walter did this.

-I don't love... Steps. -(MUSIC STOPS)

Okay.

Never liked them.

And your uncle only pretended to like them because you liked them.

(SNIFFS)

Then he died.

-He didn't like them? -No.

All he liked about them was that I hated them.

I can't believe Uncle Walter didn't like Steps.

How could anyone like them?

-(JOHN SQUEAKS) -(LAUGHS)

-Josh? -What?

John, hide your shame!

Hide your shame!

-Don't you ever knock, woman? -Stop being silly.

-We're going on a date tonight. -Oh, wow. Gosh.

-That was fast. -Yeah, what else am I doing?

(STUTTERS) I... That's a good point.

Well, isn't this exciting? I haven't been on a date forever!

Really? Aren't you just a bit terrified?

Yeah, of course I'm terrified. So, what should I do now?

Um, I don't know. I guess you should have a shower.

Okay. Oh, do you think I should shave my legs?

Oh, yuck, yes. Yes, I guess.

And what about my eyebrows?

Do you think I should pluck my eyebrows a bit?

Oh, please, stop asking. Just do it all!

Do everything you can think of. Do it. You go!

So, how do I look?

Yeah,

you look good.

Yeah?

-You look... -What?

No, it's good. I just...

What?

No, maybe you just need to...

-You put so much gel in your hair. -Josh, Josh!

-Shit, what are you doing? -I think you just...

No, you just need to go and...

You need to go and wet it and dry it and break it down a bit.

Ah, shit, Josh! I don't have time to do that!

-Okay. -(SIGHS)

-Is that all right? -Yep.

-Is that all right? -Yep, that's...

-Are you sure? -It's good.

JOSH: Yeah, looks good.

It's good.

(HEELS CLICKING)

-It's not good. -(LAUGHS)

It's not... (LAUGHING)

(WHISPERS) It's not good, is it?

(WOMEN SPEAKING THAI OVER LAPTOP)

I've never seen anyone with such a big head as Alan.

(MAE LAUGHING)

I don't know how someone with such a big head can be so dumb.

(SPEAKING THAI)

It's not that big.

Show me!

(LAUGHS)

(IN ENGLISH) Mum wants to say hi to you.

Come.

-(SPEAKING THAI) -(ALL LAUGHING)

He has such a big dumb head.

(LAUGHS)

(MAN ON SCREEN SPEAKING THAI)

He looks like a big stupid idiot.

(LAUGHS) (IN ENGLISH) Oh, oh.

(SPEAKING IN THAI)

He bought this ridiculous new car.

Uh-oh. Oops.

(SPEAKING IN THAI)

Oops. I think we hurt his feelings.

(IN ENGLISH) Are you ignoring us, sweetheart, huh?

-Um... -What?

What? What is it? What are you looking at?

-(EXHALES) -What is this?

Okay, I was just looking at this... It's, uh...

I am sitting a metre away from you talking to my parents

-and you are looking at girls? -(SHUSHING)

Mae, Mae, it's not what you're thinking.

It's, uh... It's, uh... I was looking at Rose's online dating profile.

-What? -Josh mentioned that she's...

(MAN ON SCREEN SPEAKING THAI)

What's going on?

(SPEAKING IN THAI)

Alan is looking at Rose's online dating profile.

(WOMAN ON SCREEN SPEAKING THAI)

How can you let him treat you like that?

Um...

(IN ENGLISH) Pig.

Oh, no, no!

Look, I was just curious to see what, what...

Why are you so curious about your ex-wife?

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-I was just checking up. -Checking up?

Yes, yes. Josh mentioned that she was...

No, you don't use your son as an excuse!

He has nothing to do with this!

This is about your obsession

with your ex-wife's suddenly fascinating life!

(MAN ON SCREEN SPEAKING THAI)

You're living with a sick man, Mae.

What did he say?

I can't stay here.

I am moving back home.

You can decide

if you want to join me,

or if you want to stay here being curious.

(WOMAN ON SCREEN SPEAKING THAI)

His face looks like a scrotum.

-Rose? -Rod? Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Had to give my daughter a lift to a party.

She was dressed like a slapper so I had to wait for her to get changed.

Oh, it's fine.

Nice scarf.

Go the Bombers.

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Let's go get some food.

No, I don't think we should leave our bags here.

They'll be okay.

Nah. No, I don't feel right about it.

Look, I'll stay here and keep an eye on them.

You go and get your food and when you come back, I'll go.

Oh.

Okay.

How did things go with Niamh?

-She couldn't make it. -Why?

(CLICKS TONGUE) She was busy. I guess.

-Doing what? -I don't know.

You don't know why she couldn't make it?

The thing that freaks me out about having a kid

is that you could get one and it could be shit.

It could be a douche.

And then you have to spend the next 18 years pretending to love it.

Kind of like how your parents were really excited about...

You know, having a kid and then they ended up with...

You.

Pretty harsh.

What are you doing there on your laptop?

-Just making you a little gift. -Oh, that's exciting.

Yep, you are going to love it.

I think we should go out tonight to bars.

-Okay. -Great. I'll call Claire.

Oh, we don't need to call Claire.

Yes, we do. We always call Claire.

Why? You don't need to call Claire.

No, I think I do. That's what we do. We call Claire.

Yeah. But I just like...

I was thinking we could just, you know, just be us boys.

-(PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND) -What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, but won't it be weird between you and Claire?

No. Just...

Shush and work on my present.

-CLAIRE: Hi. -Hey. We're thinking about going out.

To bars.

I can't. I'm at a costume party and I didn't bring any other clothes.

Oh. So?

I'm not going out in a costume with no-one else wearing a costume.

Okay. We'll go out in costume too.

-CLAIRE: Really? -What?

Claire's in costume and she's embarrassed,

so, I was thinking, maybe, we could all go in costumes

so that she's less embarrassed.

Like a team. Like a costume team.

Fine.

Okay, great. See you... See you later, sugar lips.

-I finished your gift. -Brilliant.

What is it?

So, what's happening here is that's you there, right?

And then I'm there,

and what's happening is that I'm sucking your penis?

Yep.

I don't understand. Is this...

-Is this supposed to be insulting? -Yep.

Suck my dick, bitch!

You just spent 20 minutes

photoshopping a picture of me sucking your penis.

And it's supposed to make me look weird?

Tom,

I'm gay. You know, I...

I quite like sucking penis.

-You hitting on me? -No, I'm not hitting on you.

-Tom, I'm not gonna suck your penis. -I don't want you to suck my penis!

It was just... I just...

You just did not think this through.

No, I did not. (EXHALES)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hi! Those are nice costumes.

Yeah. I think mine's actually pyjamas.

-Mae bought it for me on holiday. -Ah.

It's still nice of you both to dress up for me.

We just wanted you to feel comfortable.

Yeah. Uh...

-Do you want a cider? -Yes, please.

-Cider? -Yes, please.

-Yes. Tom wants me to suck his penis. -No, I don't!

-So... -I don't.

I believe you. It's fine.

He drew a pornographic drawing of me sucking his penis.

Yeah, just to show that you're my bitch.

-It was a joke. Comedy. -He wants me to be his bitch.

So...

I don't want him to suck my penis.

(JOSH LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) You're a bit defensive.

(LAUGHING)

It was just a joke!

Yeah. Yeah.

Could you imagine how disgusting his penis would be?

No.

Why do you think my penis is disgusting?

Just, um... Extrapolating the data

based on the other pieces of you that I've seen.

(LAUGHS)

So, wait, you two haven't seen each other naked before?

BOTH: No!

Well, what about at a urinal?

We use the stalls when we go together.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

Josh broke up with Geoffrey.

-Why? -JOSH: I don't know.

He's just... He's just always so there.

But he's so nice, Josh.

Yeah, but he's not...

He's not very fun, though, is he?

But the muscles.

The muscles just... They just make me feel horrible.

They just make me feel like I was made out of doughnuts.

Are you going to make out with other people?

I don't... I don't know any other people.

Well, let's, definitely, go out, then.

Let's go and find you other people

-to kiss and stuff. -Definitely need to show everyone

our great costumes.

I'm a mummy on holiday.

Oh.

(CHATTERING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(PHONE BEEPS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

It's Geoffrey!

He's a bit upset!

Yeah, I can see! Why don't you just call him?

Poor guy.

No.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

♪ It's time to begin Now count it in ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ My boot scooting baby ♪

♪ Is driving me crazy ♪

(MUFFLED) ♪ My obsession from a western ♪

♪ My dance floor date ♪

♪ My rodeo Romeo ♪

♪ A cowboy guy from head to toe ♪

♪ Gonna make you mine Better get in line ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight... ♪

(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ My boot scooting baby ♪

♪ Is driving me crazy ♪

Hello! Can I please have a mojito!

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Brendan.

Oh, really?

My dog has a soft toy and its name is Brendan.

So, if I say to him... If I say to him, "Where's Brendan?"

He goes and gets it because he knows its name,

because he knows the name of a soft toy, but he's a dog.

-Isn't that incredible? -It's incredible.

-Incredible. -He sounds like the best.

Yeah. The best.

-I've lost my friends. -Aw.

Oh, no!

-Do you have friends? -Yeah.

Yeah, they're over there.

I'm going to go dance with them.

Okay.

So... What now?

Should we go back to your place?

Okay.

I'll follow you in my car.

Don't go through any red lights.

CLAIRE: Okay, let's play that game

where I ask you your opinions about world issues.

-Okay. -Okay. Um...

War on terror. Shoot.

All right. Um...

I guess it just makes me sad

because when I was in grade two I had this Afghani friend.

And he gave me 20 cents to buy a choc dip cone,

even though that it meant he couldn't buy a choc dip flake cone.

(LAUGHS)

This is so nice.

-It's just like The Notebook. -Or Spider-Man!

(LAUGHING)

Invite me home?

I can't.

We don't have to tell her.

(LAUGHS) Wow.

I can't.

It's just there's a whole baby involved.

I can't.

I know.

I want to. I mean, I really want to, but...

Are you crying?

It's just the rain.

So, tell me about your dog.

Um... His name is John,

and he is just the most adorable dog in the universe.

-Oh, I love dogs so much. -Yeah.

-I think I love them too much. -Really?

Patting them just doesn't feel like enough.

I want to squeeze them until they make a little noise

-and it feels like we're interacting. -Oh, my God, I know!

-(SCREAMING IN EXCITEMENT) Brendan! -Oh, my God!

We're so glad we found you. We're gonna go to the Cadillac Bar.

Do you wanna go there?

No...

I think I'm gonna go to Josh's place.

Brendan, you know you're quite good looking, yeah?

Yeah, we can take you to a gay bar

and you can, like, find someone else if you want.

I think, I'm going to go with Josh.

Brendan, would you like a frozen cola?

Yes, please. That would be the best.

-I'd like a frozen cola. -Me too.

(WHIRRING)

Oh!

(CLATTERS)

Peg.

-(KNOCKING) Peg -(GRUNT)

Peg, what you doing?

Hey, it's Josh. I'll take you to bed.

-Come on. -Oh.

-You all right? -Mmm. Yeah.

Come on, I'll help you out.

Here we go. Come on.

There we go.

(LAUGHS)

-What you doing? -(COUGHS)

Oh, I was just...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

JOSH: ♪ Da, da-da, da-da ♪

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -(RAIN POURING)

Hi.

I guess I should get you a towel.