Original subtitles

Look, Mae, erm... (CLEARS THROAT) I'm gonna have to drop you here for a bit.

-What? Oh. Fine. -Yeah.

(STUTTERS) It's just that Rose doesn't know about you yet

and I really don't think this is the way for her to find out.

Yeah. It's okay, I understand.

(STUTTERS) I know this is annoying. I'm really sorry.

-It's fine. -But I won't take long. I promise.

I promise. I just want to make sure that you're okay.

-Yes. It's okay. I get it. -Okay.

I don't know why you aren't hearing me when I say it is okay.

You just keep hearing your own voice going on and on

and ignore what I'm saying.

I just want to make sure that you're okay.

JOSH: Come on, Ma. You've got to get up.

Here we go. Up you get. Hey?

Let's go. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

It's time to get up.

Come on. Going to the psychiatrist.

ROSE: Joshua!

-Here we go. Come on. -No!

-You don't want to do that, trust me. -(LAUGHS)

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

-You know I'll do it. -Don't.

-Just get up. Come on. -Don't...

Oh!

Jesus fuckin' Christ, Joshua!

JOSH: Psychiatrist!

-Won't be long. -Mmm-hmm.

I made you some, er,

"Hey, you aren't in hospital any more" celebration French toast.

-Oh, that's very sweet of you. -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-(DOG BARKS) -Oh.

That's Dad, I think, with some of my stuff.

Do you, erm... Do you want to see him?

-No. -Okay.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

-Hi. -ALAN: Hi.

There's more in the car.

Is, er, is your mum home?

-Yeah, of course. -Should I say hello?

No. She's... She's asleep.

-(WHISPERS) She's asleep? -Yeah.

Josh, she shouldn't be asleep. You need to get her up, doing things.

She'll just get more depressed if she's asleep.

JOSH: She's fine.

What... What she needs is some kind of hobby,

like, you know, crochet or something.

-Crochet? -Yeah.

I don't think knitting is gonna make her less depressed.

I know, but she needs to get out of the house. She needs to exercise.

What if she picked up the local paper round.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, the local paper route, deliver the paper.

I think it's a good idea.

Then she'd be committed to getting up every day...

-That is a stupid idea. -...and going for a walk.

Plus, she'd make extra money. What do you mean?

-What's wrong with that? -She's mentally ill,

she's not saving up for a Game Boy.

Well, how about... How about some sort of team thing, you know?

Like where she can make friends and meet people

and, you know, like indoor cricket or something.

Have you ever actually met Mum?

-She doesn't play indoor cricket. -Well, it was just an idea, Josh.

-There actually wasn't much stuff. -Yeah.

I told you you didn't need to go and pick it up.

I, erm, I got some coat hangers for you

because it looked like you didn't pack any, so...

I think Mum has coat hangers.

All right, let's get this stuff to your room and wake up your mother.

Oh, no. Er... I lied to you.

She's awake. But she just said she was too tired to want to see you.

-Thanks for picking up my stuff. -Okay.

Come on, John.

(LIFT BELL CHIMES)

(LIFT DOOR OPENING)

(METALLIC CLATTERING)

(SOBBING QUIETLY)

-(LIFT BELL CHIMES) -(DOOR OPENS)

ROSE: (CONTINUES SOBBING) Oh, God...

You okay?

I'm fine. I just... I hate coming here.

It's so humiliating.

What if someone sees me?

No-one's gonna see you, Ma. All right?

If they do see you, they're probably mental too,

-(GROANS) -So that's nice. You can... You can bond.

Josh, I just don't need to be here.

You don't need to go to the psychiatrist?

-No. -Well...

-You do. -Oh!

I made one mistake. (SIGHS)

You just started crying in an elevator.

We need to go in.

(SIGHS)

JOSH: Haven't they got this already?

Who's your next of kin?

You are.

-No. I can't be your next of kin. -Mmm.

You're my next of kin. I'm the child.

Oh, well, I can't very well ask Aunt Peggy, can I?

-She's all right. -(SCOFFS)

She hasn't even called me since the thing.

Wow.

Dad?

-Oh, my, God. I'm your next of kin. -Yes.

I'm responsible for you

-in case of emergency. -Yes.

That's not very encouraging for you, now, is it?

-(CHUCKLES) I'll be fine. -(DOOR OPENS)

Rose. Come with me, please.

Here you are.

Love you. Bye.

-(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) -Hi.

-Hi. It's your dad. -Hi.

How'd it go?

She's... She's still there.

What... You didn't go in with her?

To a psychiatrist appointment?

No. No, I didn't.

-Well, should you have? -I don't think so.

Oh. So when will you be done?

-I don't know, about an hour. -Right, okay, call me in an hour.

Okay. Bye.

Hi. What are you doing?

Hello.

-I've been thinking a lot today. -Yes.

And I really think I could date a disabled person.

Oh, no.

I really think I could. I'm pretty proud of myself.

(LAUGHS) Tom, I think the fact you're proud of yourself

is a fairly strong indication you're not cut out for it. Okay?

I think it's probably pretty offensive.

No... I'm saying I would. How is that offensive?

-You're saying it like you're a hero. -Well, would you?

No. I don't think I could.

But... (SIGHS)

No, I just think I'm too selfish.

Surely that's more offensive.

No, I think it's just honest.

Why is your honesty not offensive and mine is?

Because you brought it up. Okay?

TOM: Geoffrey.

-Hey, babe. -Hi.

"Babe."

Tom thinks he could date a disabled person.

Do you think you could date a disabled person?

My uncle's disabled and he's a dick, so...

(LAUGHS) Yeah, but what if they weren't a dick?

What if they were, like, really charming?

Would you date your disabled uncle if he was very charming?

No. What the fuck, Tom? I wouldn't date my uncle.

-(CHUCKLES) -What are you doing here?

Erm, my Mum's at the doctor's so I thought I'd come and say hi.

-What are you doing tonight? -Nothing. Never anything.

-Let's have dinner. -Okay. Yeah.

-Sure. Where do you want to go? -I don't mind.

-Vietnamese? -No, I don't... Don't eat weird shit.

Of course. Erm... Cafe?

Pizza? We could get pizza or something?

-Yeah. -Yep. Okay.

Okay.

-TOM: Josh... -Hmm?

Do you think that we should talk about sex with men?

No. I don't... I don't think we should. I don't like talking about it.

I don't like thinking about it. Nuh-uh. No way.

I just don't want you to think

that you can't talk to me about gay stuff.

-(LAUGHS) -I can talk about gay things.

Tom, I... I know I can talk to you about gay things.

The other day you accidentally referred to Hairspray as "Our movie".

I'm just saying, I saw the way Geoffrey looked at you right now

-and I reckon... -No. Tom. I don't want to think...

Stop... Stop it. (CHUCKLES)

-I'm scared. I'm scared. -I've been doing some googling.

Yeah, of course. I've been doing googling too. Okay?

And the more I learn, the less I like.

I just want to make sure that you are emotionally prepared.

-I'm emotionally prepared. -Do you think that

he is going to want to put something in your bum?

(CHUCKLES) No. Surely not tonight. I mean...

Niamh touched my bum in the bath once. It hurt.

God, I just...

I just really think I'm gonna miss vaginas.

They just... They make so much sense, Tom.

You know? So nifty.

When are you gonna break up with Niamh?

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't.

I know that I'll just end up lonely and dating whoever again.

And... She's all right. She's kind of like the best whoever.

She's not the best whoever. You could date any girl in this office,

and they would be better, any of them.

-She has something I like. -Tom, she lit your passport on fire.

Yeah, she didn't want me to leave.

-It was romantic. -Tom.

Okay.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

-Hi. -Hi. It's your dad. What did he say?

He said that she can't be left alone.

Why?

Er... He thinks she might re-attempt.

That... That doesn't sound like good news, Josh.

No. No, it doesn't.

-Why does he think that? -I don't know.

-I was gonna go out tonight, as well. -Oh.

Well, do you want me to come over while you go out?

(CHUCKLES) No, I don't...

I don't think spending time with you will help her.

Okay. Well, ask Aunty Peg.

No, that's... That's a bad idea.

I'll just, erm...

-I'll sort it out, okay? -(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh. I'm getting another call.

-I gotta go. -Who from?

Geoffrey. It's not important.

Put me on hold.

All right. Fine.

Hey.

So how are you getting to dinner tonight?

Oh, God, Geoffrey...

Erm, I don't think I can do tonight.

My mum's psychiatrist said that I have to stay home and look after her.

Oh, okay, that's a shame.

Yeah, apparently she can't be alone and I'm all she's got.

For how long?

I don't know.

Maybe, like, a month or two.

I can't see you for a month or two?

No. (SIGHS) I'm sure... I... I don't know.

Okay, well, is this just, like, an elaborate way of ditching me?

No, not at all, I promise. I just...

Erm, okay, I'll try and fix it, okay?

Okay, bye. Kisses.

-Hi. -I gotta go.

Okay.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

-Hey. -CLAIRE ON PHONE: Hi,

I have nothing to do.

Normally I'd come over and see Josh, but now I have nothing to do.

-Oh. That's a bit depressing. -What are you doing tonight?

I'm literally so bored I'll even play Nintendo.

Tonight, Claire, I am breaking up with Niamh.

-(CLAIRE CHUCKLES) -Shut up. I am! I'm gonna do it.

It's just hard, you know, and how much it's gonna hurt.

But... I can do it. I will do it. Tonight.

Oh. Well, I could always come by after that.

Sometimes I feel like you and Josh disregard my feelings.

Do you know where my orange cardigan is? I can't find my orange cardigan.

-Haven't seen it. -I thought I left it in the bathroom.

ROSE: Just wear another one.

No, I just... I only own blue jumpers.

I don't know why I only own blue jumpers.

Sometimes I want to wear blue pants.

It looks stupid if you wear blue jumpers with blue pants.

ROSE: Look at you, you're so flust... Are you going out on a date?

No. I'm just going out with friends.

Who with?

-Friends. Just new friends. -Well, what are their names?

I don't know.

You don't know their names?

Can't I just go out without telling you where I'm going?

Yes.

Good.

-(KNOCK AT DOOR) -(JOHN BARKS)

PEG: Oh, hello, John.

Well, here I am, come to look after your mother,

like I don't have better things to do.

Hi, Aunty Peg.

-You look nice. -Oh, thanks.

Ma, Peg's here.

(TELEVISION PLAYING)

PEG: Well, my girl.

You gonna say something, or just stand there like a zombie?

Hi.

-I'd love a cup of tea. -Okay.

Josh, there's something I've been wanting to ask you.

-Okay. -And don't be immature about it.

-How big are your testicles? -What?

-What the hell? -It's no big deal.

Just... Just roughly, how big are they?

Why do you want to know this?

Why? Why, why, why do you always have to ask "Why"?

Surely that's a good thing. Surely it's good for me to ask "Why?"

Now, surely you'd be a bit perturbed if I wasn't asking you "Why?"

If you were going to compare them to fruit,

-big grapes, kiwi fruit, a walnut? -I'm not answering.

It's just that I had been watching this documentary

-on Klinefelter's disorder. -Oh, no. No, you haven't.

Sometimes it's known as XXY syndrome.

You know how boys have an XY chromosome and girls have XX.

-Yes. Yes, I know. -Boys with this disorder have XXY.

I'm fairly confident I have the right amount of chromosomes.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's quite common.

And you do have some of the symptoms.

Am I really doing this badly at life

that you think I have bonus chromosomes?

Mum, does it feel like I have bonus chromosomes to you?

You have a pear-shaped body,

which isn't really right for a boy, now, is it?

-It's not that bad. -And man boobs

and you're quite effeminate.

But the most obvious symptom

is that your testicles do not develop in puberty.

So people who have this disorder have tiny, tiny testicles.

So that's why I asked you how big yours are, to check.

They're fine, okay? I promise you. Please believe me that they're fine.

-And... Just... -How do you know?

What are you comparing them to?

I mean, how many testicles have you seen?

Right! Okay, that's it. I'm out.

Ma, I'm taking your car.

Here's the keys. Thanks.

Peg, you just be nice. Okay?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I am pretty hungry.

Oh.

Prosciutto.

How old are you?

I'm 23.

Oh, okay. I'm 20.

-Really? -Yeah.

I thought you were older.

Yeah, that's... That's because of my face.

Yeah, I'm... Yeah.

I look like a 50-year-old baby. You know?

No, I don't think so.

That was just a...

Just a joke. Just a little joke.

Oh.

What are you, erm... What are you thinking about ordering?

Oh. Actually, I don't think I'm gonna eat.

What?

Yeah, I had a really big lunch.

Oh, okay. Well, I guess... I guess I won't eat, either, then.

But you said before you were hungry.

Yes. Yes, I am hungry.

So, eat something.

You're quite right. Yes, I will eat.

What, is... Is that weird? Should I eat, too?

Er, it's a... Yeah, it's a bit weird.

But that's okay. You know. If you're not hungry, it's fine.

Maybe I should eat. Should I eat?

I don't know.

That's a decision that you have to make based on how your tummy is feeling.

Okay.

I won't eat.

I'm gonna get some water. Do you want some... Do you want some water?

No.

(DOOR OPENS)

We need to talk.

Okay.

-It's just... -Yeah?

It's just... I don't know, I...

I just don't like the way you've been treating me lately.

What do you mean? How have I been treating you?

Well, I feel like you never listen, like you don't care.

I care. Niamh, I care.

Well, you never stick up for me in front of your friends.

I do stick up for you.

You... You tease me, in front of them, like yesterday.

I wasn't teasing you.

I was just saying that people from Africa aren't African American,

They're African.

-Right. Well, I'm just sick... -(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

...of sitting at home, just watching you play video games.

I mean, you're 21. You're not 15 any more.

You need to grow up. You need to leave the house.

I do leave the house. I left the house today.

Just...

Hey, Mum. Yep.

Yeah, no, I'm just with him now.

Mmm-hmm. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Yeah, no, I said that. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Okay, I've got to go.

Okay. Okay, bye.

(SIGHS)

Do you see what I'm saying, Tom?

I mean, you say you love me, but I... I just don't see it.

I mean, you really embarrass me and, you know,

I don't think I want to be with someone who makes me feel like that.

Would you?

-No. -What?

No. I wouldn't.

I won't do it again. I'm sorry.

Okay. Good.

I love you.

I love you.

All right, hang on, I've just got to call Mum.

Hey. Yeah. Yeah, no, we spoke about it.

-Yeah, he's better. Mmm-hmm. -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yeah, no... Nah, he was fine. He understood.

Yeah, well, he knew I was right.

-Oh, yeah, totally. -CLAIRE: Hi.

-You do eat stuff like this, don't you? -NIAMH: Hey, erm,

can I just call you back in a second?

Claire. What are you doing here?

Oh, am I interrupting the...

No.

Er... It's just that I'm, you know,

kind of in the habit of popping over.

I guess it's kind of weird

now that Josh and I have broken up, though, right?

Just so alone. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

So I got three waters.

I know you said you didn't want one

but the cups are so small

and I was just worried that one wouldn't be enough

so I got myself two.

And then I was worried that if I brought two over

that you would think I got you one, so I got three.

Even though you said you didn't want one.

So, can I have one?

Yes.

Can't help but notice that you took the fullest one,

even though you said you didn't want any water.

Erm... I'm sorry. You're right.

I... I didn't want any. You have it.

Geoffrey, I was joking. You can have as much water as you like.

Special treat.

Oh. Ha!

Ah!

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(TELEVISION PLAYING)

Guys.

Didn't expect you to be here.

Niamh.

I told you I was hanging out with Niamh and Claire tonight.

Of course you did.

Claire, this is, erm... Geoffrey.

I don't... I don't think you two have met.

But you're so pretty.

Yeah. Incredible.

Are you Josh's ex-girlfriend?

Oh, he's told me so many great things about you.

What? No, I haven't.

-(KISSES) -Oh.

Right. Well, this is fun.

We're just gonna go hang out in my bedroom.

Good. Good.

'Cause I'm just gonna stay here and watch Japanese manga with these two,

so...

Er, actually, Claire, it's anime.

Manga's the books.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

I've been wanting to do this all night.

Oh, okay.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. No. Sure. I just...

I'm just worried about the others, listening.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, what... What is this song?

It's from Romeo and Juliet, the ballet.

It's intense, yeah?

I hope the poor little guy's okay.

Just... Er... Maybe we could turn the lights down?

Just... Just a bit?

JOSH: That's my orange cardigan!

I've been looking for that all day.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

GEOFFREY: I think I love you.

What?

I love you.

Oh.

I... I love you, too?

(GEOFFREY CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

Ignore it.

I can't. It might be my mum.

(CONTINUES RINGING)

(CHUCKLES) What?

Whoa.

Oh, it's just, there's nothing like a call from your dad

-to make your erection... Go away. -(EXHALES DEEPLY)

It's okay. I'll make it come back.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

-Should get this one. -Ignore it.

Oh...

It's just... I think I need to...

-I just think I need to pee. -(CONTINUES RINGING)

-Okay? -(SIGHS)

(TELEVISION PLAYING)

Shut up.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Come and sit down.

Are we... Are we okay?

Is this okay?

Yes.

Do you not like me?

No. No, it's nothing like that. I just...

I just... I... I'm worried about...

(WHISPERS) I don't want to put anything in my bum.

What?

I said...

I don't want to put anything in my... In my bum.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES) Gosh, dude,

we don't have to put anything in your...

Oh, thank, God.

-(SIGHS) -(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

I just... I really need to get that. I'm sorry.

What?

Mum's not answering the phone.

Well... Maybe she just doesn't want to talk to you.

No, I called the home phone. She wouldn't know it was me.

She's fine. I'm out. Aunty Peg's there.

Josh, I need you to go and check on them.

No, I'm... I'm not... No, I'm out.

(SIGHS) Okay, I'll go.

No, you can't go.

-Why? -You'll scare the shit out of her.

Okay, fine. I... I'll go.

I'm really sorry.

It's okay. I'll come.

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

Just... You... You can't come into the house.

Okay. Why?

Just... My auntie's there and she's really homophobic

and she's Christian and I'm sorry.

That's a shame. I really wanted to meet them.

Sorry.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

JOSH: Geoffrey... Geoffrey, do you think my testicles are big enough?

-Yeah, they're... -(LAUGHS)

They're massive.