Original subtitles

JOSH: Why can't I ever just let myself properly enjoy things?

Why can't I ever just be in the moment, you know?

I know today is brilliant, it's sunny, we're in the First World,

we just ordered a $19 sundae, you know, delicious,

but all I can think about is my rubbish face and obsessing.

I mean, it's just I'm turning 21 soon

and this is as good as my face is ever going to get.

This is it. It's all downhill from here.

I was hoping puberty would do a better job, but, no.

Puberty did a good job with you.

You used to be really awkward to look at.

Incredible. Clap. Don't you think this is incredible?

What an incredible sundae.

Isn't it just mind-blowing to think we actually get to eat this?

Josh, I want to talk to you about something.

Oh. No.

No. No, you don't.

I think we should break up.

Oh.

Oh, that's bad.

I just... I kind of feel like we've drifted, you know?

This isn't good at all.

-Also, you're gay. -What?

N...

No. No, I'm not.

-Josh, you're probably gay. -I'm not.

I mean, we could still be friends, if you like.

It wouldn't really be that different, would it? (CHUCKLES)

This $19 sundae's suddenly pretty fucking humiliating.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

-Tom. -Hey.

Workplace sexual harassment, here we go.

(HUMS) Workplace sexual harassment!

Oh! Oh!

You don't work here. This isn't workplace sexual harassment.

-(LAUGHS) -It's just normal sexual harassment.

-What are you doing? -I'm on my break.

Tom, are you googling giraffes again?

-Yes. -Why are you always googling giraffes?

I'm not always googling giraffes,

it's just, last time you came in, I was googling giraffes

and I happen to be googling giraffes again today.

I just hate that you think you have some special affinity with giraffes.

I don't!

I imagine it's because you think that you kind of look like one, but... But

-less graceful. -Giraffes aren't graceful.

I think they are. I think they're surprisingly graceful.

No, they're not. Have you seen one pick something off the floor?

I guess you'd know with all your special research.

Claire said she broke up with you.

(WHISPERING) Yeah. Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah.

Also, I cut myself shaving and, uh, you won't shut up about giraffes.

So that's three pieces of bad news in one day.

I've decided I am going to break up with Niamh.

Why do you do this to me, Tom? We both know you're not going to.

I don't know why you lie to me. You get my little hopes up.

Whenever I try, something gets in the way.

I don't think it does, I think you just

put things in the way 'cause you're scared of her,

scared of what she'll do.

Last time I was about to, and her turtle died.

-Of course she owns a fucking turtle! -Owned.

Hi.

-Ooh. -TOM: Josh, this is Geoffrey.

-Hi. -TOM: Geoffrey just started.

Think you might be in my chair.

Oh. Shit. Sorry.

(GEOFFREY SNIFFLES)

-Uh... -(SNIFFLES)

Are you okay?

Yeah, sorry, I didn't wanna... No, I don't want to put this on you, man.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

It's Niamh. I have to get it.

-Oh. -Sorry.

-Hey, sweetheart. -(SNIFFLING)

Yes?

They kicked you out. What did you do?

My dad got arrested again.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Sh... Should I ask you what for, or should we...

Should we... We should not mention it?

-GEOFFREY: Not mention it. -Okay.

It does, it sounds pretty racist.

(SOBS) I just don't know who to talk to.

(SNIFFLES)

Tom keeps lollies in here. Do you like lollies?

As kind of... Honestly, it's the best I've got to offer.

Pop Rocks?

-I love Pop Rocks. -Do ya?

-TOM: No, you can't. -(POP ROCKS CRACKLING)

Josh just broke up with Claire, he's all upset.

He's a mess.

(POP ROCKS CRACKLING)

No.

Fine.

(POP ROCKS CONTINUE CRACKLING)

(SIGHS) Niamh's coming over for dinner.

What, no... Tom, you said you were gonna break up with her.

They kicked her out of her poetry group.

-She got kicked out of a poetry group? -She's upset.

Tom, no, that's no excuse. You have to do this.

-You can do this. Come on. -Okay. I'll break up with her tonight.

Are you eating my Pop Rocks?

(CHUCKLES) No.

-(LAUGHS) -Can I come to dinner?

-Do you know what I think about a lot? -What?

The time that you were telling me when you were a kid

and you were naked in the backyard at your friend's house

and his mum told you that if you do that,

then a magpie might mistake your penis for a worm and eat it.

You think about that a lot?

It just...

I just think it's a funny image.

A tiny version of you terrified that a

magpie might...

swoop down and eat your penis. Nobody...

-I had a pet magpie for a while. -JOSH: Hmm.

It used to come to the back door every morning

and we'd give him our leftovers.

Did it ever try and eat your penis?

-No. -(TOM AND JOSH CHUCKLE)

(DOG BARKS)

Hey. Hey, guys.

JOSH: Hi, Niamh. This is Geoffrey.

-Hey. -Hi, Niamh.

Josh, uh, Tom told me about how Claire broke up with you.

-Yes. -What happened?

Um... She said we drifted.

Oh, that's disappointing. You know, I really liked Claire.

Really? You never...

-How'd you let it drift? -Well, I don't know, Niamh.

You see, that's the nature of drifting,

is that it happens slowly over time,

and then one day you order a $19 sundae and it's finished.

Right.

How did you get kicked out of your poetry group?

-You think this is funny, don't you? -No.

It's just, Claire's probably at home, crying,

and you're here having a dinner party.

Niamh, I don't think she's crying.

Okay? She broke up with me.

It was a surprise. I didn't know.

If I had known, maybe I would have planned a more mournful evening.

-I'm sorry. -Well, isn't that just charming?

-Niamh, can you just... -Oh!

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, Tom, am I embarrassing you? Again?

Maybe we could sort this out with indoor voices.

(SCOFFS) What the fuck? I don't even know who the fuck you are.

I'm... I'm Geoffrey, Tom's friend.

I'm so nice to you guys and you're all just such fucking bitches to me.

Oh, God.

-Can we just take this into another room? -Let's.

-(NIAMH MOANING) -(REPETITIVE THUMPING)

(NIAMH CONTINUES MOANING)

(MOANING INCREASES)

I just, uh... I just can't imagine that

they're having that much fun.

You know?

(MOANING CONTINUES)

So, what... What do you do?

Uh, I'm... I'm studying a Bachelor of Creative Industries.

-Really? -Yep.

-That's really interesting. -N... No. (CHUCKLES)

(MOANING INCREASES)

I'm gay.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, I, um... I haven't told Tom.

Oh. Why... Why's that?

I just... I didn't want him thinking I was hitting on him.

I don't think anybody thinks that anyone is... hitting on Tom.

Can I sleep over?

We don't really have anywhere.

Oh, well, you've got a pretty big bed. I could just crash there.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CREAKING)

Light.

(JOSH INHALES SHARPLY)

Is this okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Mmm. Mmm. Do you... Do you taste blood?

What?

Oh, there's a...

A little mole on your lip that's bleeding.

I... I cut myself shaving.

(SIGHS)

(STAMMERS) What are we meant to do now?

I don't know.

Should we just wait for me to stop bleeding?

I might go to sleep. We'll...

Try again in the morning?

Okay.

Do you, uh, do you prefer big spoon or little spoon?

I don't know.

I don't really get the big spoon, little spoon thing.

Surely they'd be the same-sized spoons.

Different-sized spoons don't fit together like this.

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

(TEXT ALERT SOUNDING REPEATEDLY)

(SIGHS)

(MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS)

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Received at 11:13 a.m.

MAN: (RECORDING) Josh, it's your dad.

Don't worry, mate. Mum's okay. She's okay.

She's been moved to a ward.

Are you awake?

(MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS)

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Received at 10:15 a.m.

ALAN: (RECORDING) Josh, uh, it's your dad. Um...

Oh, mate, where are you?

-Call me back. -(MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS)

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Received at 9:00 a.m.

CLAIRE: (RECORDING) Hey, Josh. Uh,

your dad called and he told me what happened.

I just... I hope that you're okay and if you need anything,

please just let me know.

(PHONE BLEEPS)

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Received at 8:40 a.m.

ALAN: (RECORDING) Fuck, Josh. Fuck. Mum. Fuck. G... Fuck. Call me.

TOM: Josh, Geoffrey's in your room.

-He isn't wearing a shirt. -WOMAN: (RECORDING) Received at 8:09 a.m.

WOMAN: Josh? Lovey, I need some help.

Tom, I think I need you to drive me to the hospital.

-TOM: What? -I need you to drive me to the hospital.

-TOM: Which hospital? -I don't know. Just get in the car.

What the hell happened last night?

TOM: You've never left this much time

between something happening and you telling me.

My mum took quite a bit of Panadol and drunk half a bottle of Baileys.

-Baileys? -Yep.

(CHUCKLES) How do you even drink half a bottle of Baileys?

I... Just don't know.

Guess what else.

You made out with Geoffrey?

I can never really trust when someone that good-looking is into me.

Do you know what I mean? I just don't get it.

If they're mediocre-looking,

I can sort of appreciate why their standards are so low.

When they're that pretty, I'm just like, "Oh!"

-(CHUCKLES) -"What are you hiding?" You know?

Claire was quite good-looking.

I really don't think she was that good-looking when we got together.

-Puberty did well with her. -(CHUCKLES)

Just so I know, we're not talking about your mum

because you're all, like,

-emotionally stunted, yeah? -Yeah.

And we're just ignoring the fact that Geoffrey's a man?

Yes. When he kissed me, my lip started bleeding

because I cut myself shaving,

and then I bled actual blood

-into his actual mouth. -Ugh.

It's the third worst thing that's ever happened to me during sex.

-You had actual sex? -No.

Well, my lip was bleeding.

Are you sure you don't have feelings you want to share with me

in some kind of talk?

Yep.

It can be good to share your feelings.

Nope. No.

Nah.

Josh.

Hi, Dad.

TOM: Hey, Alan. I'm just gonna go and sit.

-Do you know what happened? -Yeah.

That Mum took a box of Panadol.

Yeah, you told me on the phone.

-And drunk half a bottle of Baileys. -Yes, Dad, I know what happened.

-Did you get a park okay? -Yes.

(WHISPERS) I think Mum tried to kill herself.

-You think? -But why would she want to do that?

I... I don't know.

It's probably my fault.

Look, it... It might be your fault, but

I doubt it's your fault.

Did you tell her that I have a girlfriend?

You've been divorced for a while. I don't think it really matters.

But, no, I didn't.

Oh, um, when I couldn't get onto you, I called Claire.

-Ohh. Why? -What?

Oh, it's nothing, it's just, uh, we broke up yesterday.

-Ohh. -It's fine.

-Sorry, mate. I didn't know. -No, it's fine.

Why'd she break up with you?

-I... I don't know. -She just wasn't happy with you?

-I guess not. -Oh.

Mum doesn't know I'm here.

Okay.

Do you think she'd be uncomfortable if she knew I was here.

Yep. Yes. Yes, I do.

Hi.

How's it going?

Hi, lovey.

How's Claire?

Oh, yeah. She's all right.

(VOMITS)

Oh...

I'm sorry, lovey.

Hello.

-Rose, is it? -Mmm-hmm.

I just have a few questions.

-Are you still vomiting? -Yeah, a little.

-No headache at all? -A headache?

She took quite a bit of Panadol.

Mmm. No headache?

I've still got a little bit of a headache.

If you get a headache in the next few weeks,

I really think we should be calling their customer complaint line.

Sorry, I just have to get through these questions,

-then I can move on to other patients. -Okay.

Do you think you could step outside for a moment?

What? No.

This is my mum.

Okay, well, can you just... Shush?

Yeah. I can shush.

Perhaps you could pop out and get your mum a Turkish delight, Josh.

All right.

Hi.

Claire. Hi.

Sorry about your mum.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

-Mmm. -Yeah.

Well, um, are you okay?

Yeah. No, yeah. Sure.

You dumped me yesterday, yeah?

-Yeah. -Okay.

I just... I thought that meant that I wouldn't be seeing you... So much.

Do you know what I mean? But I,

I can see... You.

Yeah, but, uh, we said that we were gonna be friends,

so I'm just here trying to be friendly, that's all.

Okay.

I just thought maybe that you were just, like,

saying that to sort of soften the blow.

So you're saying you don't want to be friends?

Yeah. I want to. I just...

There's another thing also, um, to that...

I made out with a boy.

-I know. -Male boy.

-I know, yeah. -Okay.

I don't understand, though,

why would you do it on the same day that we break up?

I didn't mean to. I promise. I honestly just... He was just there.

Do you know what I mean?

-There? -Yeah, he was...

He was really very

there.

Is... Is that what you think of me? I was just...

-There. -No. Come on. You're being silly.

Obviously you were there. You know, that's good, that's helpful

for you to be there.

It's completely necessary, even. But you weren't just...

Anyway... I don't know.

I feel like you didn't even really enjoy having sex with me.

Oh, come on. No.

Well, did you?

I guess. (CHUCKLES)

-Y... Yes. -You guess?

-I mean, yes... -No, you didn't! You're such a liar.

-The answer is yes to the question. -(CHUCKLES)

-Mmm-mmm! Sex with Claire! -You're so frustrating. (LAUGHS)

I don't know why you wouldn't just tell me.

My mum attempted suicide today

so I have a pretty good excuse to get out of this conversation, by the way.

I just wanted you to know that.

I understand Rose lives alone.

In a situation like this, we can't release the patient

unless she has people around to keep an eye on her.

Well... I, I can't move back in with her. Can I? We're divorced.

I don't know your personal situation,

but, no, that doesn't sound ideal.

Does this mean that I'm gonna have to move back in with her?

Well, no, in a circumstance like this,

we would advise that she is transferred to a private facility.

-A mental home? -We don't call it that.

But...

Like, that's what it is.

Well, we don't call it that.

Aunty Peg could move in with her.

I don't think Mum actually likes her.

Ohh. Why did she have to be so stupid?

I can't be her carer.

I don't know how to do caring.

I don't even know how to care for myself.

I never floss.

Sorry this took so long.

Thanks, lovey.

So...

What have you guys decided to do with me?

Um...

We haven't...

Decided.

But the doctor thinks we should put you in a mental home.

What, you think...

Am I mental?

I don't know.

So, what are the other options?

Well, someone needs to live with you,

so that could be... Me, I guess, or Aunty Peg.

Ah, no. No.

Don't make me move back in with her. I couldn't bear it.

Okay.

And you shouldn't have to live with me either, Josh.

I shouldn't be your problem.

Well, I mean, (STAMMERS) I haven't decided.

I'm not sure I can move out on Tom.

No, but, you see, you could do all the same sorts of things at my place

as you do at Tom's. It's okay. I'm cool with that.

Mum, you don't have to...

I haven't decided. I'll think about it.

But, you see, you could bring Claire home to sleep over if you want.

-What? -I'm cool. Okay?

Like, you can have sex at the house if you want.

-Oh, fuck, Mum. -No, please don't swear, Josh.

Also, uh, Claire and I broke up.

What?

Who broke up with who?

She broke up with me.

Oh, well, look, even if you want casual girls...

I'm not having sex in the house.

I'm just saying you can if you want.

Well, I don't want to.

I especially don't want to with your permission.

-I am just saying. Okay? -Well, don't.

Okay. I won't.

What did I do with the parking ticket?

Mae...(CHUCKLES)

How long have you been in the car?

Your father told me to wait here for a moment.

That was six hours ago.

What are you talking about?

I left you the keys and I just brought you a drink.

-Mmm. Like a dog. -(CHUCKLES)

Josh, I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Mae.

Mae, have you got the parking ticket?

No. You took it.

Your father thinks it is his fault because of the divorce.

Well, clearly it is.

Oh, yes, of course it is.

If you break up with someone, where's the point for them in living?

They may as well end it.

I mean, they have experienced perfect love

and they will never find happiness again,

so they may as well end it because you are so perfect.

It's not like that.

Alan, I promise you,

no one is attempting suicide

-because a fat man like you dumped them. -(GROANS)

-Yes, well... -She has a mental disorder.

Yes, I understand that, Mae. But I do think that...

Dad, I think she's right. I don't know if you've seen your face lately.

-Mmm. It's like a scrotum. -(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFLING)

♪ $haniqua, ain't nobody gonna mess with you... ♪

-Hi, Tom. -Hi.

-Hey, $haniqua. -How's it going?

Oh, yeah. Big day.

I have had a big day.

Hi.

Oh. You're back.

He never left.

Yeah, I wanted to help out, so I cleaned the house and I made dinner.

He made spaghetti. You love spaghetti.

I really do love spaghetti.

Anyway, I'd best be off.

Oh, you're not...

You're not gonna stay and eat spaghetti?

No, I promised my dad I'd visit him, so...

Okay.

Thanks for all the... Stuff.

Why doesn't Niamh ever do that?

What, make you dinner and then not...

Not make you talk to her while you eat it?

Yeah.

You could just...

Break up with her and then go to a restaurant.

Mmm.

How's your mum?

Oh, yeah. Tom...

I just, I just really think I have to move back in with her.

Wow. That is very nice of you.

Yeah. I'm a modern-day hero.

-Hero is a strong word. -No.

I'm almost definitely gonna be Young Australian of the Year for this.

More like Young Dickface of the Year.

Brilliant. That's clever. That's really good.

TOM: (SOFTLY) I wrote you a poem, $haniqua.

(IN ACCENT) Shit, dog! That sounds gay!

(SOFTLY) I know a sassy urban girl Her fur is dark as night

But like the moon in the darkest woods Her spirit is my light

(IN ACCENT) Oh, you sure do know how to make a girl feel special.