Original subtitles

Does your husband know anything about this?

Hmm? What did you say?

Your husband- Did he have any idea you were coming here today?

No, I-I don't think so.

Now, this is calcium and a few other things.

You'll find the directions on the label.

Now just go on leading a perfectly normal life.

Eat whatever you like, take plenty of exercise...

and get lots of sleep.

- When do you think it'll be, Doctor? - Oh, about Christmas, I'd say.

Christmas.

Unless, of course, you're from the South, where women take their time.

Uh, hadn't you better hurry?

- It's almost time for your broadcast. - You mean exactly Christmas?

Well, not necessarily Christmas day-

Say, a week or 10 days either way.

- A first baby is- - Broadcast?

- Oh, my goodness. What time is it? - It's 28 after 4:00.

- Oh, it can't be. - Oh, let me help you.

We're on the air in 30 minutes. My husband'll murder me.

Well, in that case just don't bother...

to have that prescription filled.

I'll see if I can get a cab for you.

Operator? Operator? Are you ringing that number?

- Any luck? - Did you find her?

No. There's no answer at her apartment.

Maybe she went to the beauty parlor. I'll get the number.

Why get so excited? Suppose she does miss a broadcast?

Is Russia gonna mind? Will South Pacific play to empty seats?

Stop being the clown and go get Jack another aspirin.

He's going crazy. Oh, never mind. Here she is now.

Kitty, where have you been? Jack's going crazy in there.

Hi, Walter.

- Do you realize- - Heaven sakes, Kitty.

Do you realize what time it is?

- I'm sorry. - Next time I marry some knuckle-headed dame-

- Jack, I'm pre- - Say, I'm gonna get a divorce. Get my lawyer.

- I'm all out of breath. - What kept you?

I had to go up on Fifth Avenue.

Shh! We're on the air.

From coast to coast, The Cosmo Cosmetics Program...

starring Kitty and Jack Moran.

- What'd you do that for? - I'm sorry. I-I just couldn't help it.

Ladies and gentlemen, last week Kitty and Jack...

promised never to be argumentative or jealous again.

For a whole week they have lived up to their agreement.

We now take you to the Starlight Roof at the Waldorf...

where we find them dancing cheek to cheek.

- Darling, do you know why I wanted to come here tonight? - No, sweetheart. Why?

Because it's where we first fell in love. Remember?

Oh, but, darling, we didn't fall in love here on the Starlight Roof.

You must have your roofs mixed.

Now, sweetheart, don't try to tell me where we fell in love.

After all, I had to pay the check.

But, angel, you told me you couldn't afford the Starlight Roof in those days.

Are you sure you haven't got me mixed up...

with Bessie whatever-her-name-is, or somebody else?

Now, for heaven's sakes, don't start that again.

Then don't try to tell me where we fell in love.

- Okay, okay. Then you tell me. - In a doctor's office.

In a doctor-

- When were we ever in a doctor's office? - Oh, about Christmastime.

Hey, that champagne I bought you for dinner must have gone to your head.

- What would we be doing in a doctor's office? - Getting some calcium.

Would you mind changing scripts with me?

'Cause there's nothing in mine about calcium.

We're supposed to be on the Starlight Roof, dancing. Remember? "Cheek to cheek"?

Nothing about calcium, doctor's office or Christmas.

Kitty. No.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Oh, baby.

- I don't remember writing anything like that. - You didn't.

- I didn't? - If you ask me, somebody's gone nuts.

She's just told him and 23 million bug-eyed listeners...

that she's gonna have a baby, that's all.

- A baby? - Mm-hmm.

What else would the idiot be carrying on like an idiot about?

Well, if you ask me, it's a nice day for it.

Into the song! The song- "Deductible."

♪ The biggest complaint wherever we go ♪

♪ Is taxes, taxes, taxes ♪

♪ The question is where do we get the dough ♪

♪ For taxes, taxes, taxes ♪

♪ Income taxes ♪

♪ People are running from store to store ♪

♪ From Macy's up to Saks's ♪

♪ Nobody wants to work anymore because of income taxes ♪

♪ Income taxes ♪

♪ This is the kind of thinking that could easily be destructible ♪

♪ Haven't they learned the more they make ♪

♪ The more there is deductible ♪

- ♪ Deductible ♪ - ♪ Deductible ♪

- ♪ Deductible ♪ - ♪ Deductible ♪

♪ It's deductible ♪

♪ It's deductible ♪

♪ A man can make a phone call from Jersey to the Coast ♪

♪ It used to be expensive but today you'll hear him boast ♪

♪ It's deductible ♪

♪ It's deductible ♪

♪ You give a pompous party pretentious with your booze ♪

♪ They break up all your furniture ♪

♪ But what have you got to lose ♪

♪ Crazy world ♪

♪ Crazy times ♪

♪ Love that world ♪

♪ What's the difference if nothing rhymes ♪

♪ It's uproarious ♪

♪ But it's glorious ♪

♪ If you're the boss then you can toss it off ♪

♪ As loss or gain ♪

♪ Why complain♪

♪ We're all interested in redemption ♪

♪ How do you get your maximum exemptions ♪

"The dependent must be one of the following."

♪ Grandson, granddaughter great grandson great granddaughter ♪

♪ Father, mother, sister brother, half-sister half-brother ♪

♪ Grandfather, grandmother nephew, niece, uncle, aunt ♪

♪ Father-in-law mother-in-law ♪

♪ Daughter-in-law brother-in-law ♪

♪ Stepson, stepdaughter stepfather, stepmother ♪

♪ Stepbrother, stepsister ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you, mister ♪

- ♪ They're deductible ♪ - ♪ Deductible ♪

- ♪ They're deductible ♪ - ♪ Deductible ♪

♪ A Texan drills an oil well the oil well don't produce ♪

♪ The Texan doesn't worry 'cause he's got a good excuse ♪

- ♪ It's deductible ♪ - ♪ Deductible ♪

- ♪ It's deductible ♪ - ♪ Deductible ♪

♪ Producer gets an angel Producer gets a flop ♪

♪ The angel doesn't worry 'cause the flop comes off the top ♪

♪ Crazy world ♪

♪ Crazy times ♪

♪ Love that world ♪

♪ What's the difference if nothin' rhymes ♪

It's irrational.

♪ But it's national ♪

♪ If you decide to take that ride ♪

♪ And be a bride and groom ♪

♪ Added room ♪

♪ Deductible ♪

♪ Including offspring ♪

- Elizabeth Ann and Betty Lou. - Oliver, Dan, Penelope, Sue...

Jimmy, Johnny, Daisy, Harry, Randy, Ronny, Maizie, Mary-

♪ Have all you want ♪

- ♪ They're deductible ♪ - ♪ They're deductible ♪♪

The perfect beauty cream-

- Kitty and Jack, that's swell. - Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute, you two.

- When's the party? - What party?

Look, you don't have kids in my neighborhood without it's a clambake.

- Dancing girls- - Oh, be quiet.

All you need is an excuse. Kitty, I think it's wonderful. I'm tickled to death for you.

- Thanks, Janet. - Thanks, Janet. I'm pretty excited myself.

Welcome to the lodge, brother. I knew you could do it.

Think nothin' of it. Just like rolling off a log.

- All I gotta do now is learn to knit. - Jack, congratulations.

- Thanks, Bill. Thanks very much. - Wonderful. Good night.

Good night, Bill. Well, good-bye. See ya.

- Uh, Jack- - Can't you see those two got things to talk about?

- Leave 'em alone. - Listen, don't kid me.

If what she said is on the level, they've already been alone.

Are you really pleased?

After all the time and effort I put into this little project?

- How do you suppose Mr. Milton's going to take it? - He'll be jealous, as usual.

Probably wonder why we didn't consult him.

- Well, he'll have to know sooner or later. - Yeah, there's no way out.

Come on. Let's break it to him together.

- Hello, Mr. Milton. - Hi, Milt.

Hello, sweetheart. How's my boy?

How's my boy? Hey.

How do you think we ought to break it to him?

- With the bird and the bees? - No, no.

Straight from the shoulder. Man-to-man.

Milt...

how would you like a nice baby brother, all human?

- Or maybe a little sister? - Oh, heaven forbid.

Somebody to play with while Mom and Pop are working.

Yeah, somebody-You can teach him to stand on his hind legs...

chase balls, chew up a few pairs of Argyle socks-

- maybe a cashmere sweater or two. - Uh-oh.

I was afraid of that. Come here, baby.

Come on, Milt.

- Miltie! Come on. - Miltie!

Well, he's just gonna have to get used to it. Come on, let's go eat.

All of a sudden I got the strangest craving for food.

Not for something exotic, like a great big dill pickle.

Yeah, come to think of it, something like a dill pickle.

Oh, really.

- The new music. - It's just wonderful.

Quiet, everyone. Quiet. Quiet, please.

- Will you sit down, ladies? - What are you gonna do?

You'll find out. Quiet, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us tonight a man-

a very modest man.

While the world blasts its head off about its scientific miracles...

here sits a man-

A man who has just performed the greatest miracle in the world.

♪♪ Take a look at him, ladies.

Take a very good look.

He's a study by Whistler.

And I'll bet he can cook.

♪ What a man, what a man♪

♪ 'Bout to give the world his best ♪

♪ What a man, what a man ♪

♪ From now on there'll be no rest ♪

♪ He expects to carry on the family name ♪

♪ Put a little genius in the hall of fame ♪

♪ It was hard to make him confess ♪

♪ That this miracle occurred under stress♪

♪ Now his friends are going wild ♪

♪ He's about to be a father ♪

♪ With child ♪

♪ What a man, what a man what a man ♪

♪ What a wonderful wonderful man ♪

♪ What a man ♪♪

- It's getting late. - One drink first.

- The evening's just begun. - One for the road.

- It's getting late. Good night, Walter. - I don't wanna go home yet.

- We'll have one more. - This is no time to go.

- Come on, boy. Come on. - Hey, what is this?

Say, Janet, what's the idea of everybody wanting to go home already?

Well, it's after 2:00, dear.

I know it sounds strange, but some people like to go to bed.

What for? I'm just beginning to have fun.

You just sit down and wait.

- Stay right there. Don't go away. - Let me help you.

- Walter's wonderful. - Except when he's having a party.

It was such fun. When are we gonna see you again?

I guess you'll have to come up to the country.

Now that we've got the farm, I can't get Walter off the place.

- The children are worse about it than he is. - Oh, come on, gang.

You can't leave yet. We gotta do another chorus anyway.

Hey, fellas, look. This way.

♪ What a man, what a man♪

- Jack, Walter- - ♪ He can hold his head up high♪

♪ What a man, what a man See him coming through the rye♪

♪ From the rockbound coast of Maine to Kokomo ♪

- ♪ They're applauding this here giant of a schmo ♪ - ♪ What a schmo ♪

♪ Now the piper's got to be paid ♪

♪ Every day there'll be a few changes made ♪

♪ Better save those safety pins ♪

♪ It could be a set of triplets ♪

♪ Or twins ♪

- Aye! - ♪ What a man, what a man what a man ♪

- Aye! - ♪ What a wonderful wonderful man ♪

You know, this can go on all night.

I've had my hat and cape on for a half an hour.

That husband of mine never knows when to go.

I really could brain Walter.

♪ It's the greatest feat since the Pilgrims landed ♪

♪ But you didn't do it single-handed ♪

♪ May your troubles all be little ones to share ♪

♪ Give 'im time Give 'im room Give 'im air ♪

♪ What a man ♪

♪ What a woman ♪

♪ What a pair ♪♪

- I'll get it. - Be very gentle with me, dear.

I've just become a father of triplets.

Oh, Jack, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Well, you can't tell when these things are gonna happen.

You know, I never knew it was gonna be so much fun having babies.

I think I like this one the best. You know why?

- Why? - Looks like me.

- Besides, I think it's a girl. - May I have the keys, please?

- The keys? - Mm-hmm. I'm driving.

- Madam, are you insinuating that I can't drive this- - Oh, of course not, dear.

It's just that your hands are full.

- Well, I'll put the children in the back. - Yes, uh-huh.

- And put this with them. - Well, thank you.

All right now, the keys, please.

Remember, the doctor said it's bad for me not to have my own way.

Oh, all right. But then it's always been bad for you not to have your own way.

- So what's so smart about that doctor? - Get in.

- Top of the morning, Officer. - And the rest of the day to you yourself, sir.

- Thank you very much. - You wasn't planning on driving now, were you?

Oh, no. I'm not allowed to drive.

I'm gonna become a father.

We're being very careful with him, Officer.

- Good night. - Good night.

Night.

I don't know how we got way over here...

but we're over the Hudson River.

- What happened? - Get me an ambulance, quick!

Ambulance.

Out of the way, please.

Ah, Lady's Slipper- Cypripedium.

They're very rare, very beautiful.

I grow them myself in my own backyard, over in Beekman Place by the river.

They help keep your mind off a lot of things.

You know, there's nothing like a hobby.

I used to read a great deal...

but somehow the state of modern literature and the modern world-

Oh, a few old friends like Dickens...

- they still amuse me, but the- - Does Jack know?

- That you lost your baby? - That I can never have another one.

That in all probability you can never have another one.

I'm not God. I-

I haven't the last word in these matters.

He wanted a baby so badly.

A son.

I felt so good, so right, these last few months.

It wasn't just an idea anymore.

Even if it wasn't born...

it was a baby.

Your husband's outside.

He's been pretty worried about you.

Shall I go along and tell him that you're all right?

You are all right, aren't you?

Yes. Yes, I'm all right.

That's the way to talk.

Now, if you can just manage a little smile-

Good.

I'll drop in and see you later in the afternoon.

Oh, I'll take one of these, if you don't mind.

May I come in?

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey, you got a lot of new ones.

Maybe I ought to open up a flower shop.

- Aren't they beautiful? - Yeah.

I told the nurse to put some of them in the chapel.

There are so many of them.

- How's it going? - Oh, fine.

That's what the doctor said.

Said you ought to be out of here in three or four days.

You know, I've been thinking. Maybe we ought to take a little trip, you and I.

Get on a boat, go somewhere, have a little fun. Unless, of course-

- Unless what? - Well, it's nothing.

I probably shouldn't bring it up now, but I saw Mr. Carroll.

- Our sponsor? - Yeah.

You know a funny thing? That's all he ever was to me-just a sponsor.

Never occurred to me he was a human being.

He's been over here twice just to see how you are.

I know. He sent some lovely flowers.

- Mm-hmm. - Those.

Pretty. You know, he's got a wife and a couple of grown sons.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

He said he had a program in mind for us.

I didn't go into it very deeply 'cause I didn't know how you'd feel.

It's television.

- Television. - Yeah.

- Say, this isn't tiring you, is it? - Oh, no.

I told him we'd think about it later.

How soon could we start?

Oh, any time, I suppose.

I don't want you to think about it yet.

It's just something we'll keep in mind.

I'd like to do it as quickly as we can.

Well, it takes time to put a program like this together.

And now that Janet and Walter have bought that farm...

he's settled down into writing a book.

- They'd come back if we asked them to. - Oh, I don't know.

They seem pretty determined the last time I talked to them.

They swore they were through writing scripts.

There's no harm in asking, is there?

No, I suppose not- Not if you really want to.

Oh, I do, I do.

There's nothing like having something to take your mind off things.

At least this is new and different.

You know, maybe you're right- 'cause in television...

except for a few people like Milton Berle and Ed Wynn, why, the thing's wide open.

We could move right in-you and I.

We'll make this our baby and then-

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that.

It just, uh, slipped out.

It's all right.

We mustn't be afraid to talk about it.

You've just had a haircut, haven't you?

Walter! Janet!

- Anybody home? - That's funny. They knew we were coming.

Well, there are always things to do on a farm, you know-

Milk the cows, feed the geese and shovel whatever there is-

Oh, what about the bags?

Oh, I'll get 'em later.

My goodness. The house is haunted.

Look. Ghosts.

- Boo! - Ooh!

I forgot today is Halloween. Oh, I'm scared to death. Aren't you?

Yeah, do you think we ought to go run and hide?

- Oh, no, they might try to follow us. - Yeah, that's right.

Go run for your life. The place is alive with them.

- Well, look who's here. - Oh, hi, Kitty.

Well, that's a faint idea of what to expect when you come to the Pringles'.

Well, it's typically Pringle, anyway. Bring 'em on with a laugh.

- That's right. - What are these little critters? Goblins?

- Where are their faces? Let's see one of them. - Children, take off your masks.

Let Mrs. Moran see you. I don't think you've ever met the children.

- No. - Kitty and Jack, this is our Laura.

- Hello, Laura. - Hello, Mrs. Moran.

- And Henry, Priscilla and Jenny and Mark. - And this is Tony.

They've been like a bunch of wild Indians ever since they found you were coming.

- Well, we like wild Indians. - I even married one.

- Oh, wait a minute. - Come on. I'll help you with your bags.

I'm in the country all right. I'm here two minutes and he puts me to work.

- Are you really Kitty? - My word of honor.

My papa told me you were pretty.

Well, your papa's just an old flatterer. What else did he say?

He said if we pretended to be right bright...

that maybe you and Mr. Moran would sing for us after supper.

- Oh, yes. - Would you like that, or is that just your papa's idea?

- Oh, we'd love it. - We'd love it.

- We've been hearing you on the radio. - Children, wait a minute.

Mrs. Moran's only just come into the house, and she's our guest.

We want to do just what she wants to do.

- Don't we, Henry? - No. We want her to sing.

Yes, we want her to sing.

Well, anything that Tony wants, I want.

And what will I get if I promise to sing? A great big kiss?

Will you get lipstick on me?

- Why? Don't you like lipstick? - No.

All right then. I'll give you a butterfly kiss.

How's that?

That tickles!

- Run along, children, and leave Mrs. Moran alone.

Go on. Go on. Go on.

Oh, Janet, they're wonderful.

Come on, Kitty, and I'll show you where you're going to sleep.

- Straight up the stairs. - I'm crazy about your house, Janet.

- It's lovely. - Well, we like it.

- Of course, the plumbing's a bit rustic. - But thaws easily.

Hey, Milton. Come on, hurry up.

- Come on, Miltie. - See your little house.

Ladies and gentlemen...

do you realize how this holiday came about?

When it all started? Why it exists?

Well, we're about to tell you.

It ain't no fairy tale.

♪♪ But it's grim.

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

♪ Once upon a time in the long, long ago ♪

♪ Man's courage was high but his spirit was low ♪

♪ People grew tired of all work and no play ♪

♪ They felt the need of a jolly holiday ♪

♪ Then along came Christmas Along came Easter ♪

♪ Along came Fourth ofJuly ♪

♪ Then along came a man by the name of Berlin ♪

♪ Who took every holiday that ever has been ♪

- ♪ He wrote about Christmas ♪ - ♪ He wrote about Easter ♪

♪ He wrote about the Fourth ofJuly ♪

♪ His mind was fertile and his pen was keen ♪

♪ But he never wrote a word about Halloween ♪

♪ Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ Hot jack-o-lantern It's Halloween ♪

♪ Apples hangin' high ♪

♪ There's a big pumpkin pie in the sky ♪

♪ Children sing Children waltz♪

♪ Who gives a darn if your face is false ♪

♪ Jump on your broom like a witch ♪

♪ Go and toss all your gloom in the ditch ♪

♪ Go out on the street for a trick or a treat ♪

♪ You're a cinch to strike it rich ♪

♪ Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ All other holidays fall between ♪

♪ The night of All Hallow so light up the tallow ♪

♪ And make it a bright Halloween ♪

♪ Owls and bats Howls from cats ♪

♪ May scare the buttons right off your spats♪

♪ We'll now go dramatic with ghosts from the attic ♪

♪ And make it a bright Halloween ♪

♪ Halloween, Halloween ♪

♪ Watch out for the monsters on Halloween ♪

♪ For goblins are hobblin' and demons are screamin' ♪

♪ So don’t you get caught in between♪

♪ On this night full of frightful, delightful old spooks ♪

♪ It's Halloween ♪♪

- More! More! - More! - More!

No, children.

You all say good night now. Up to bed.

- That's enough. - Just one more.

- No. That's all. Hurry up. It's late. - Good night.

- Good night, sweetheart. Good night, pal. - Good night, darling.

- Good night. - You don't make Papa go to bed.

Your daddy's pretty enough already.

He doesn't need a beauty sleep.

Good night, Kitty.

Good night, Tony.

Would you give me a hug?

- Oh. - Oh! Oh!

Did you say he was only four?

Chip off the old block.

- Good night, Jack. - Good night, Tony. How about a kiss for me?

Put one right there.

- I don't kiss men. - You don't? Well, put 'er there then.

- Cigarette before you turn in, old man? - You know I don't smoke.

- Okay. Off you go. Remember no radios. - Good night, Kitty.

Lights out in two jerks of a pig's tail.

No talking and no giggling.

Good night, Kitty.

- Good night, honey. - On your way.

- Oh, Janet, they're really great children. - Thanks.

I'm so jealous I think I'll go home.

You've both been sweet to them.

- I think you made a conquest, Kitty. - Tony? He's my type, all right.

Say, Walter, what's the idea of that cigarette business?

Well, I'm trying to teach him-

What am I trying to teach him, Janet?

I don't know, dear, but it's something useful, I'm sure.

Walter, he's certainly your son. Of all the charmers.

- And he looks like you too. - You really think so?

- The spittin' image. - Now, just a minute.

Fortunately, those children look just like their mother.

That's funny, because two of them aren't ours, you know.

- What? - I thought you knew that.

Laura and Tony are adopted.

No! Well, this is the first I ever heard of it.

Well, it isn't something you go around talking about.

I didn't even think about it, myself.

As far as I'm concerned, there's absolutely no difference.

But when did you do it? I mean, why?

Well, for the very simple reason...

that for the first three years of our marriage...

there wasn't even a sign of a family.

I was afraid I was going to become one of those frustrated women.

So out of desperation we decided to adopt one.

And then, brother- One, two, three in a row.

Got so I was afraid to shake hands with her.

I guess it was because I stopped worrying so much about it.

But you said Tony too.

Well, his mother and father were killed in an automobile accident.

He wasn't quite three months old when we got him.

You know, I've often thought it might be a good idea if you and Jack...

- would consider- - Where did you get them?

Through the Sarah Wilson Foundation.

I'll give you the address in case you ever want-

- Well, I bows to you. - I nods accordingly.

Likewise.

You know, the real reason we came out here...

was to try and talk you two into doing a television show for us.

- That right, Kitty? - What? Oh. Oh, yes.

Why, you inconsiderate city-bred fella, you.

Do you think I'd give up my book, leave this farm, for that?

Unless, of course, it pays money.

Well, only a few thousand a week.

Oh, a mere pittance. Real money?

Oh, yes- Exchangeable at any bar in America.

Well, let's drink it over.

- Well? - We might as well go in and look.

I don't suppose there's any law that says...

we have to take one we don't like, is there?

- Oh, I think you can at least pick and choose. - Okay.

Well, what have we got to lose?

- Is it a boy? - You bet he is.

- Oh, he's beautiful. - Thank you.

Come on, honey.

Have you ever applied for a child in any other home or agency?

- No. - Who sent you to us?

Mr. and Mrs. Pringle- Walter Pringle.

Oh, yes, of course. Mr. and Mrs. Pringle.

You'll probably want to use them for one of your references.

- One? - You'll need at least three.

Uh, father's occupation?

We're Kitty and Jack Moran, remember?

Oh, yes. Of course. How dull of me.

Jack and Kitty Moran.

I still don't seem to place you.

- What do you do? - We've been on the radio. Now we're going into television.

- Uh-oh. - What does that mean- "Uh-oh"?

Oh, there's nothing to worry about, really.

It's just that we've had two or three...

rather unfortunate experiences with people from the stage...

and Mrs. Johnston- that's she there on the wall-

Sarah Wilson was her mother.

Well, she's a wonderful woman, but-

She doesn't think that actors are parent material. Is that it?

There's no set rule.

It all depends on the individual...

and the kind of program that you do.

- We have a comedy program. - Yes. We've also been known to sing and dance.

I suppose I should be ashamed to admit it...

but I never listen to programs like that.

Squeaking doors, murder- That's the kind of thing I like.

Just last night I was listening to this program.

There was a detective. He was on a case.

Oh, I forget what it was, but, oh, it was thrilling.

I don't know how they ever think up all those things.

- Do you? - It's one of the mysteries of the ages.

Would it be possible for us to see the babies...

and perhaps give you an idea of what we'd like?

Oh, but there aren't any babies available at the moment, Mrs. Moran.

It may take weeks- Months.

I've known some couples that have had to wait as much as a year.

- A year? - Well, you should see our waiting list.

Our trained workers have to make a thorough investigation of you first-

of your character, your home, your general reliability.

Oh, yes, before we're through...

we'll know all about you, Mr. Moran.

But don't worry.

I hope everything's gonna turn out just the way you want it.

- I'm sure it will. Thank you. - Thanks.

And if anything turns up, we'll let you know.

In the meanwhile, I'm certainly going to be watching for your program.

Maybe we ought to throw in a few squeaky doors first.

- That's all right, Mr. Moran. - Oh, Jack.

I suppose I deserved that. Good-bye.

Good-bye, Miss Gilbert. Thank you.

- Oh, not at all. Good-bye. - Yes, thank you.

- It's been nice seeing you. - Thank you.

Say, do you realize what that woman said about us?

Yes. I guess I should have married a truck driver.

What's wrong with actors? I'd make a wonderful father.

I think I'll go back and tell her a thing or two.

Oh, Jack, wait a minute. We want the baby, don't we?

Well, sure we do, but why do they make cracks like that?

- Come on. - What's wrong with theatrical people?

I pay my taxes, don't I? Well, let 'em investigate me.

- When they want to run a benefit for this joint... - Shh!

- the first people they call on are actors, aren't they? - Shh. Come on.

They don't ask a truck driver to drive his truck for nothin'. I should say not.

All an actor's got is his talent, and he gives it to 'em for nothing.

The next time they want to run a benefit, let 'em put a truck driver on.

- See how much money they raise. - Jack, you're attracting a crowd.

Well, sure I am. That shows you I can do business anyplace.

- Hey, bud. - What?

- What's wrong with truck drivers? - Oh, nothing.

I-I think they're charming. Come on.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We go on in exactly one minute.

All right, now I want to show you a signal that we use here.

When I go like this, I want you all to applaud.

Now, let's try it once, and make it really big.

We're more than 30 seconds over.

When you go to number three spot, be sure and give me a speed-up.

- All right, you ready? - Five seconds, four, three...

two, one.

Go.

The Cosmo Cosmetics Show.

- ♪ Cosmo♪ - It isn't carbonated.

- ♪ Cosmo♪ - It isn't alkaline.

- ♪ Cosmo ♪ - But it's smooth as silk.

♪ Cosmo Cosmetics are fresh and new ♪

♪ Cosmo Cosmetics are good for you ♪

♪ Our lotions and our beauty creams♪

♪ Have really hit New York ♪

♪ So get yourself a jar of it and loosen up the cork ♪

♪ It blends with all your clothes ♪

♪ It keeps you on your toes ♪

♪ With Cosmo Cosmetics from foot to head ♪

♪ You will be lovely in or out of bed ♪

Mrs. Huntington Piffle I endorses it.

♪ Cosmo♪

The Grand Duchess Gizella Von Graffengreed II endorses it.

♪ Cosmo♪

And the Princess Ambrosia...

de Palmer House de Bourbon V endorses it.

♪ Cosmo♪

♪ I love a New Yorker ♪

♪ Bold, breezy and bright ♪

♪ I love a New Yorker ♪

♪ Who's out on the town every night ♪

♪ I found me a woman ♪

♪ Cute kind of a bean ♪

♪ My kind of a woman ♪

♪ Who's out on the town to be seen ♪

♪ From the Waldorf down to Broadway ♪

♪ He's my pride and joy ♪

♪ And though I might try a black or bright tie ♪

♪ I'm just a white tie New Yorker boy ♪

♪ Born, bred in Manhattan ♪

♪ Right kind of a pal ♪

♪ Hat from Bonwit Teller Shoes from Andrew Geller ♪

♪ And I'm her only feller You can't oversell her ♪

♪ She's a corker My New Yorker gal ♪

♪ From the Waldorf down to Broadway ♪

♪ He's the talk of New York ♪

♪ Can't play canasta He never "has ta" ♪

♪ He drinks his Shastas down at the Stork ♪

♪ Born, bred in Manhattan ♪

♪ We're rhyming in high ♪

- ♪ Hop and skip together ♪ - ♪ Stop and sip together ♪

- ♪ Hip, hip, hooray together ♪ - ♪ Gonna stay together ♪

♪ He's a corker my New Yorker ♪

♪ She's a corker my New Yorker gal ♪

- ♪ He's my fella ♪ - ♪ She's my gal ♪

♪ I love a New Yorker♪

♪ Bold, breezy and bright♪

♪ Hop and skip together Stop and sip together♪

♪ Hip, hip, hooray together Gonna stay together♪

♪ He's a corker♪

♪ My New Yorker♪

♪ Guy♪

♪ My New Yorker guy♪♪

- Fine, Kitty, Jack. - Oh, I'm melting.

- Well, you will insist on being overdressed. - Miss Moran?

- Yes? - I hate to bother you, but this zipper-

- I just can't seem to do anything with it. - Zippers-

- I can't work them myself, but Jack’s a regular wizard. - I should be.

- I've had enough practice. - Oh, I wouldn't want to bother Mr. Moran.

It's no bother. It's an old hobby of his.

Go ahead and zip her, dear. I'll run and change.

Okay, but this may be the beginning of a very beautiful friendship.

If I'm not home for the next couple of nights you'll know what happened.

- I'll understand perfectly, dear. - Okay.

Turn around, darling. That's right.

I think we'd better approach this thing scientifically.

- Will you hold my coat? - Oh, Mr. Moran, I feel so silly making you do this.

Not at all, Miss Adams. This won't hurt a bit.

Just hold your breath. Grin.

There you are.

- My coat. Thank you. - Thank you, Mr. Moran.

Nothing at all.

- Mrs. Moran? - Yes?

There are a couple of dames-I mean ladies-

who want to know if they can come back and see you.

- Not tonight. I'm worn out. Who are they? - One of them's a Miss Gilbert.

I didn't get the other's name.

Just ask them to excuse me. Say I broke a leg or something.

- Forget it. I'll take care of them. - But be nice to them.

Sure. Leave it to me.

Tommy! Tommy, did you say "Miss Gilbert"?

- Well, that's the name she gave me. - Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Show her in- And be particularly nice to her.

- This may be very important. - Yes'm. Right away.

Come in.

- Why, Miss Gilbert. - Hello, Mrs. Moran.

- Hello. - I hope you don't mind our barging in like this.

Oh, no. I'm delighted to see you.

- This is my friend Miss Evers. - Hello, Miss Evers.

- Hello. - Won't you come in? Please sit down.

Oh, he won't bite you.

Get off the couch, Mr. Milton. Get down.

Oh, well. Stay where you are.

Please excuse my costume. I didn't have a chance to change.

- Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Moran. - Kitty, I was-

- Oh, excuse me. - Jack, you remember Miss Gilbert from the foundation.

- The foundation? - The Sarah Wilson Foundation.

Oh, yeah. Miss Gilbert- The squeaking door.

- How are you? - That's right.

I was half afraid you might have forgotten, and I didn't want to come...

until I had some good news for you and could...

kill two birds with one stone.

Good news? What news?

Well, I think we may have a baby for you.

A baby.

- Oh. - A fine boy.

No kidding. Can you hear my knees knockin'?

When can we get him?

Almost any time now-That is, of course, as soon as Mrs. Johnston meets you.

- Mrs. Johnston's the lady who had that slight objection- - Jack.

What I meant to say was, Mrs. Johnston's a lovely-

- You're not Mrs. Johnston? - I'm Amelia Evers.

Oh, I'm glad to know that.

I don't know how to thank you, Miss Gilbert.

- I just don't know what to say. - Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Moran.

- I think I understand. I'm so glad for you both. - Thank you.

- Good-bye, Mr. Moran. - Good-bye, Miss Gilbert.

And if there's ever anything I can do for you, why, you just let me know.

- Oh, do you really mean that? - Oh, sure. Anything. Just name it.

Well, there is one thing you could do for my friend here.

Irma, please. It doesn't matter.

- Oh, hey, what is it? - Well, it's an autograph.

Well, would you like a picture of us together or separate ones?

- Irma, I told you not to ask that. - Oh, Mr. Moran won't mind.

It's just that my friend here is a great television fan.

She even looks at the wrestling, and she's simply crazy about Milton Berle.

- Yes. - Please, Mr. Moran, if it's the slightest bother.

Oh, no. No bother at all. I'll tell Milton next time I see him.

Oh, thank you so much, Mr. Moran.

And if you can't get one of his, one of yours will be just fine.

- It will be. Yeah. - Well, good-bye again.

- Yes. Bye-bye. - Good-bye, Miss Gilbert.

- Be sure and call us as soon as you know. - Of course we will. Good-bye.

- Good-bye. - Good-bye, Miss Gilbert.

Oh, Jack-We've got a baby.

Congratulations, Mrs. Moran.

Thank you, Mr. Moran.

Here we are. Here's the young man now.

Oh.

Wouldn't you like to hold your baby, Mrs. Moran?

- Oh, yes, go on. Hold him. - Oh, I'd love to.

I'll get my coat.

- Isn't he beautiful? - - Too bad our name isn't Kablinski or something.

Otherwise he might make pretty good backfield material for Notre Dame.

Are these the prospective parents?

Oh! Oh, yes, Mrs.Johnston.

This is Mr. and Mrs. Moran.

- How do you do? - How do you do, Mrs. Johnston?

How do you do?

Are you aware of the responsibility you're assuming?

Oh, yes, Mrs.Johnston. I think so.

Miss Gilbert tells me you're on the stage.

No, we were on the stage, Mrs.Johnston. We're in television now.

I suppose she told you I don't approve of actors.

Well, we had heard some sort of rumor to that effect.

Oh, it's no rumor.

Actors are too undependable for me.

Every time you pick up a paper you read about one of them getting divorced.

Have you two ever been divorced?

- No. - No. Not yet.

- How long have you been married? - Nine years.

Eight- Nine.

- To each other? - Yes.

I thought you already had us investigated.

I like to make my own investigations.

I'm sure you'll find that Mr. and Mrs. Moran...

have more than met our requirements, Mrs.Johnston.

I hope so.

You understand, of course, you're getting this baby only on probation.

- Oh. - Probation?

You mean that this still isn't our baby?

A child can't be legally adopted in this state...

unless it's lived in the same home for at least a year.

We have the right to take it away...

any time we feel that it's not...

to the child's best advantage to stay where it is.

Now, where do you live?

- Central Park West. - Do you have your own automobile?

- Yes, and it's close. - Leave it here. I have my own chauffeur.

I don't trust myself or one of my babies to a strange driver.

Now then, let's go.

I want to see what kind of a home you have.

Take the baby, nurse.

- Couldn't I keep- - I'll carry him for you.

Oh, it's all right. I think she really likes you.

- Well, if you ask me- - Jack! Shh!

I was only gonna say, I think she'd make pretty good Notre Dame material too.

What a stiff-arm.

- Congratulations, Mrs. Moran. - Oh, thanks, Joe.

Fine-looking whatever it is you've got there, Mr. M.

A boy, you dummkopf.

Here you are.

♪♪ Oh, it's this way, Mrs.Johnston.

Where-Where's all that noise coming from?

It sounds like it's coming from the end of the hall.

I hope this sort of thing doesn't go on all the time.

No, it's usually quiet as a church around here.

- You'd better speak to the manager about it. - Yes, excuse me.

People like this have no business in a house where there's a baby.

- Who are they? - I'm afraid it's our apartment, Mrs.Johnston.

Your apartment?

Selma must have left the radio on. That's our maid.

Open the door, Jack. See what it is.

Aah! Careful!

Won't you, uh, come in?

- Here's somebody who needs a drink! - No! I don't want any!

- No! Walter, please! - Just one more won't hurt ya!

- Now come on! - No! No! No!

Look! She's drinking the whole thing!

Look! There's the baby!

Oh! How about that?

How do you do?

Bring it in. Bring the baby in.

Look at that. How about it?

Quiet, everybody. Please. Quiet.

This is Mrs. Johnston from the foundation, and Miss Gilbert.

How do you do? You remember me, don't you? Won't you come in?

I'm sorry, Mrs.Johnston.

We didn't know anybody was going to be here.

You didn't think we were gonna let you bring the baby home to an empty house, did you?

Uh, well, uh, get Mrs. Johnston and Miss Gilbert some champagne.

Walter. Walter, please. Uh, Mrs. Johnston, there are just friends of ours.

They're on our show. They dropped in-

- Take the baby, nurse. - Oh, no.

I'm afraid you're going to think I'm a mean old woman, my dear...

but I have grave responsibilities in these matters.

I simply can't leave the baby with you in these circumstances.

Oh, no, please. This won't happen again. I promise you.

I'm sorry. It's unfortunate. But I have my standards.

We may be old-fashioned, but we've clung to them for a good many years.

- Janet, Walter, tell her how this happened. - Take the baby.

Oh, Mrs. Johnston, I assure you that Mrs. Moran had no idea-

We just wanted to show them how tickled we were about the baby.

I understand, but I hardly think it was necessary to have a drunken party.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Moran.

I'll talk to her, Mrs. Moran. Maybe later.

Kitty, I-

I feel like a dog. I could cut my throat.

It's all right, Walter. It's nobody's fault.

Just wasn't in the cards for us to have a baby, that's all.

We'll see that you get another baby, even if I have to steal one.

I think the kindest thing we could all do now is just to go home.

Good-bye, dear. I'll call you in the morning.

- I'm terribly sorry, Kitty. - Good night, Kitty.

Good night, Jack. Terribly sorry, Kitty.

I'll see you tomorrow, Jack.

- Sorry, Kitty. - Good-bye, Jack.

See you, Kitty.

Want a cigarette?

I hurried as fast as I could, Miss Kitty.

I told them store folks I gotta get back home before that baby got here.

But you know how it is. Everybody takin' their time!

But I got what you said.

Bottles, diapers- four dozen of 'em-

talcum powder, Vaseline and a belly band!

Take that stuff out of here, Selma. Get rid of it. All of it.

But, Mr.Jack, the baby's gonna need it-

There isn't gonna be any baby.

Ain't gonna be no baby?

No. Go on, get it out of here. Burn it, give it away, anything. Just get it out of here!

And take the rest of this junk with you!

Wait a minute. Aren't you kids gonna finish at the center of the stage?

- How can we if we slide to the left? - Watch this. Gloria.

Take the last four bars.

♪♪ I know that. We did it once. Come on, Gloria.

Johnny.

Excuse me, darling- I called him "darling."

- Oh, it's all right. Call him anything you like. - May I really?

Sure. You oughta hear what I call him sometimes. Try it again.

- Ready, darling? - Uh, Johnny, go ahead. Hit it.

Hey, Jack, Kitty, listen! Break it up, Bob!

- Oh, Walter, we're busy. - Be quiet, or I'll write you and your number out of the act.

- I want to tell you something. - What is it, Walter?

- I got some great news. - I hope this isn't another one of those sure things in the fourth.

Hey, wait a minute!

- It's okay. It's all set. I've got a baby for you. - What baby?

There was a girl used to work for us down in the country.

- Is she the mother? - Yeah, sure.

- Where's the father? - Vamoosed.

- Where is she now? - She's with some relatives near Trenton, New Jersey.

I've talked to them. You can have it for a consideration.

- Why do they want to get rid of it? - They can't afford it.

- I told you I'd make it up to you. - But is that legal?

Legal, illegal. Who cares? You want a baby, don't you?

- No. - What? After all the talk about the-

I appreciate what you're trying to do for us, Walter...

but I'm not going through it again.

I feel the same way. Come on, honey, let's rehearse. This number's a little ragged.

I'll be along in a minute. I'm sorry, Walter.

Oh, that's okay.

I was just wondering what's gonna happen to the poor kid.

- What is it, a boy or girl? - That's just the trouble.

- It's a girl. - What's wrong with girls?

Well, you know how people feel about girls.

Probably the best thing if they go out and drown it.

- Drown it? - Well, they drown kittens all the time.

- I don't think that's very funny. - Neither do I.

I'd better call Janet. Maybe I can talk her into taking the baby ourselves.

- How old is it, Walter? - What? The baby?

Oh, about seven months.

- Cute? - If you don't mind blonds.

- Hello. Janet? - When can we see her?

Tonight.

Uh, is it raining there? No, it's not raining here either.

Okay. I just wanted to know. Bye.

Oh, Walter.

The Morans live around here?

Hi, old man. Come on in. I was just eloping with your wife.

That's a right novel approach. First he offers her a baby. Then he offers to marry her.

Jack, we've decided to take her.

I never doubted it for a moment.

- Wait here. I'll see what the situation is. - All right.

- Be back in an hour or two. - In a what?

- Good evening. - Good evening. Table?

No, thanks. Not tonight.

I just wanted to ask if there was a filling station around here.

- Right down the road about a half a mile. - Thank you.

- Uh, they're outside. - How many?

- Just the two of them. - Bring them around the back. I'll let you in.

- Susan. - Yes, sir?

Table three want their check.

If anybody wants me, I'll be back in a few minutes.

It's down somewhere here at the end.

There it is.

I feel like a kidnapper, sneaking in the back way like this.

No, it's okay. They just don't want to cause a lot of talk.

These are the people I told you about- Mr. and Mrs. Moran.

- Hello. - Come in.

This is Mr. Tuttle. He's our lawyer.

- How do you do? - And this is my wife.

Have the papers all made out.

All you have to do is to sign them.

- Could we see the baby first? - Sure. I'll get her.

- Is the mother here? - She works nights.

It's better for everybody, in cases like this, not to see the mother.

Does she know who's taking the child?

She knows it's going to be well taken care of. That's all she's worrying about.

- They understand about my fee and the other costs, don't they? - I have the money right here.

We're not gonna get into trouble about this, are we?

I've already explained to you, there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

This lady and gentleman are going to give the baby a fine home...

which is more than you or the mother can do.

- And you want to avoid any talk- - No, I don't want any talk.

Well, then don't upset yourself.

Is this the full amount?

Wait a minute. I don't like it at all.

I feel guilty, as if we were committing some sort of crime.

- Come on, Walter, Jack. Let's go, huh? - Come on.

Here she is.

We've decided not to take her.

Not take her?

What's been going on in here?

Nothing. We just changed our minds, that's all.

- Listen, if you've said anything- - I haven't said anything!

Take it easy. If they don't want the baby, they don't want it.

It's all right, Kitty. Let's go.

Wait a minute.

- Can I hold her a minute? - Sure.

Kitty, come here. Take a look at this.

Look at that.

Look at those little hands.

Looks like she just got a manicure.

Those cheeks. We'd have to start her out on a diet.

Ohh.

Let me hold her.

There we are. All done. All done now, honey.

Okay? Well, come on. Come on.

Oh, her's getting such a big girl.

Her's such a big girl.

She's a big girl.

Oh, I got lipstick all over you.

Look at that face.

Look at the baby. See the pretty baby?

See the pretty baby?

Let's brush your hair now.

There.

What's that? What is that thing?

Getting kinda late, don't you think?

- I'm all ready except my coat and hat. - How's Her Highness?

She's wonderful. Say, "Hi, Daddy."

- Want a bite? - Oh, stop it.

I bet Mr. Milton'll like it. Watch this new trick I taught him.

Hey, Milton. Catch now.

- What's the matter with him? - Milton? He's pouting. I think he's jealous.

I'd better take him to the park and introduce him to a couple of lady dogs.

Get his mind off his troubles.

Ah, Mrs. Bates. Ravishing as ever.

- What are you doing, Mrs. Moran? - Playing with the baby.

- Put her down, please. - I'm not hurting her.

You know the rules. Was that dog in here again?

- For a little while. - I've told you repeatedly to keep him out.

I don't like dogs around babies.

He wasn't anywhere near her.

Also, you haven't your mask on.

I forgot it.

- You don't consider germs a danger to your child? - I said I forgot it.

I see you've changed her too.

- She was wet. - Course, you're her mother. If you want to spoil her, why-

And I think she's hungry. She was crying.

Her next feeding's in half an hour.

My mother had seven children.

When they were hungry, she fed them.

- Times have changed. - Mothers haven't.

Do you want your child to be a useless, selfish individual, spoiled and-

A little love never spoiled anybody.

I might as well not have a baby. I'm never allowed to touch her.

I can't feed her. I can't kiss her. I can't change her.

Before long, I won't even be able to look at her.

We've been all through this before, Mrs. Moran.

Obviously you and I don't see eye to eye.

We certainly don't.

Better step on it. It's getting late.

- What's the matter with you? - Oh, that woman!

- Is it all right for me to go now, Miss Kitty? - Yes, of course.

- Thank you, ma'am. Good night, Mr.Jack. - Where you going all dressed up?

Oh, you forgot, Mr.Jack.

This is my birthday. I'm going to a party.

- Well, congratulations. How old are you? - Thirty-nine.

- You too? - Yes, sir!

Wait a minute.

- You're fired. - What?

You heard me. You're fired. I've had just about all of you I can stand.

- Now get your things and leave right now. - Very well. I shall.

- Good. - To the showers, butch.

- My check, please. - I'll send you your check in the morning. Just go.

- I was only trying to do my duty. - Get out.

You shouldn't have been so hard on her. Maybe she's good to her mother.

She never had a mother. She's part of the rock left over from Grant's tomb.

Kiss Her Majesty good night.

Let's go.

Who's gonna stay with the baby?

Holy Christmas! What a time to think of that.

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand that woman one more minute.

- Maybe I can catch Selma. - On her birthday?

- How about a sitter? - It's too late, and I wouldn't know who to call anyway.

- I'll just have to ask Ol' Muleface to come back. - No, no, no.

I wouldn't ask her to do anything. I'll stay with the baby myself.

- You can't do that. We've got a show to do. - Tell them I have a cold.

Gloria can take my place. She knows the routines as well as I do.

Gloria. Who wants Gloria? You've got to do it.

It's no great tragedy if I miss a broadcast. Lots of people miss shows.

If you'd only kept your pretty mouth shut until morning.

Go telephone Gloria. She's been hoping I'd break a leg or something.

All right, but I think you're taking an awful chance.

That Gloria's kinda sexy, you know.

- I might fall for her. - Oh, go on.

♪ Ain't nobody gonna cross me ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna boss me ♪

♪ Anyone who tries to toss me ♪

♪ Won't be worth a dime ♪

♪ I'm just televisin' ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna come along ♪

♪ And beat my time ♪

♪ 'Cause I live hard ♪

♪ Work hard ♪

♪ And I love hard ♪

♪ Got an eye just like an eagle ♪

♪ Got a nose just like a beagle ♪

♪ Got a man and he's mighty legal ♪

♪ I won't give you no trouble ♪

♪ Take my advice, gal ♪

♪ It won't be nice, gal if you try ♪

♪ 'Cause I live hard ♪

♪ Work hard ♪

♪ And I love ♪ Ohh! Hard.

♪ If you think all this foolishment ♪

♪ Gets by me ♪

♪ Come on and whip your wits together, gal, and try me ♪

♪ 'Cause I live hard ♪

♪ Work hard ♪

♪ And I love hard ♪

♪ So, gal, get movin' down the track ♪

♪ Can't stand no evil 'hind my back ♪

♪ This man must be the way he's been ♪

- ♪ If we're to live together ♪ - ♪ Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm ♪

♪ Work together ♪

♪ Love together ♪

♪ From here on in ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna cross ya ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna boss ya ♪

♪ Anyone who tries to toss you ♪

♪ Won't be worth a dime ♪

♪ I'm just televisin' ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna come along ♪

♪ And beat your time ♪

♪ Got an eye just like an eagle ♪

♪ Got a nose just like a beagle ♪

You said it.

♪ So don't you ask for trouble ♪

♪ Take my advice, gal ♪

♪ It won't be nice, gal ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ 'Cause I live hard ♪

♪ Work hard ♪

♪ And I love hard ♪

♪ If you think all your foolishment gets by me ♪

♪ Come on and whip your wits together, gal ♪

- ♪ And try me♪ - Hmph.

♪ 'Cause ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna cross me ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna boss me ♪

♪ Anyone who tries to toss me ♪

♪ Won't be worth a dime ♪

♪ I'm just televisin' ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna come along ♪

♪ And beat my time ♪

♪ 'Cause I live hard ♪

♪ I work hard ♪

♪ And I love hard ♪

♪ So, gal, get movin' down the track ♪

♪ Can't stand no evil 'hind my back ♪

♪ My man must be ♪

♪ The way ♪

♪ He's been ♪

♪ If we're to live together ♪

♪ Work together ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Together ♪♪

Rack 'em back, daddy-o!

Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Get up, Milton.

Who is it?

It's the milkman. Who'd you expect?

Four quarts and a pound of butter, dear.

- What are you doing sleeping out here? - I'm scared of the dark.

- How'd the show go? - Well, didn't you see it?

No, I was busy with the baby. She kept crying, and she seemed restless.

- How do you think it went? - Mmm, not bad.

And, uh, Gloria?

Well, she isn't you.

It's a good thing you said that.

Come on, let's hit the sack.

- Jack. - What?

Sit down a minute, huh?

Would you mind very much if we didn't get another nurse right away?

You can't take care of a baby by yourself. What do you know about 'em?

Nothing. That's why I want to try it.

It was so much fun tonight being able to pick her up whenever I wanted to...

and change her whether she needed it or not, kiss her whenever I liked.

I'm a new woman. I just can't wait for Mother's Day.

- And the show? - Oh, I think Gloria's amply demonstrated-

Well, Mr. Carroll might think differently.

- After all, he hired you and me, not Gloria. - You can fix it.

- You're a genius. Remember? - You need a new nurse.

Just for a little while? I'll give you a kiss.

- Okay? - You're a hussy.

Of course you realize, if you ever get the idea Gloria is as good as I am...

- I'll have to shoot you. - Good.

Kitty! Walter, there's Kitty! Kitty!

Kitty, wait a minute!

Janet! Walter! What are you doing up here?

Well, we can't go to a nice, cheap dentist.

We have to go to a Fifth Avenue dentist.

- Look at the braces. Don't they look awful? - Oh, they're not too bad.

$1,500 so she can eat corn off the cob like a lady, and she complains yet.

- Keep quiet. It was your idea. - Look who's here.

- Hello, you pretty thing. - Give your Uncle Walter a nice, toothless grin.

Oh, Mother, isn't she darling?

- Are you Kitty Moran? - Yes.

- See? I told you she was. - You sure have changed.

I saw you on television last night, and you had dark hair.

- She was wearing a toupee. - He's kidding us!

She doesn't even look like Kitty Moran in the flesh.

- Come on. - Well, wait a minute, Mary!

- Well, hi-ho, everybody. - The little dears.

It's a cruel world. I'm off the air five weeks, and bingo!

- Take my advice-get back to work. - And for our sakes, soon.

Without your legs to speak our lines, baby, they don't sound so Noel Coward.

- It's a thought. - I wish you would, Mrs. Moran.

- I don't like that old Gloria Adams. - Laura.

Well, I don't, Mother. She's so pushy.

- She always acts as if she were in love with Mr. Moran. - That'll do, Laura.

But you said yourself, if Mr. Moran were your husband-

- Laura, be quiet! - I'm sorry.

- It's, uh, kind of warm for summer, isn't it? - It's all right, Laura.

I know just what your mother means. I tune them in myself.

Whether I said it or not, it's none of our business. We've got to catch a bus.

They're having a sale at Saks. I want to get Laura a coat. Good-bye, dear.

- Bye, Laura. - Good-bye, pet.

You must come over and spill some beans for us some time.

- Hi, Gloria. - Hi, Mac!

- Hi. - Hi.

Ready?

In a minute, as soon as I get this rope around my neck.

If I ever lay my hands on the guy that thought of these things-

I like you in bow ties. They make you look so young.

Yeah? We'll, I'll be an old man before I get this one on.

Let me help you.

- I'll tie it. - I don't know where they go wrong.

This is as far as I always get.

- You look kinda cute tonight. - Oh, be still.

If your nose just turned up just a little bit here-

Leave my nose alone.

I bet when you were a girl you played the best game of post office in your town.

Jack.

You know a good French synonym for the word "whew"?

Oh, darling!

What's the "oh" for?

I feel like I've been waiting for this all my life.

Well, I hates to keep a lady waitin'.

Kitty! You look like a million! Where'd you get the coat?

It's just a little thing I picked up in Bloomingdale's basement.

- Hi! Anybody home? - Kitty! Gee, I'm glad to see you!

Come on in!

Let me take your coat off.

My, you do seem glad to see me. Hi, Gloria.

- I was just helping Jack with his tie. - Oh, how nice.

- You know me and bow ties. - Jack, you're bleeding. Did you cut yourself?

- I don't think so. - Wait a minute. Let me see.

Oh, it's only lipstick.

Lipstick? How do you suppose that got there?

I can't imagine, dear. And such a lovely shade. What do you call it?

- Careless Lips. - Careless Lips.

- What a charming name. Is it yours? - Yes.

- Gloria. - It's no use, Jack.

- She'll have to know sometime. - Know what?

- Nothing. It's just a gag. Gloria and I were kidding. - Please, Jack.

- Kitty's grown-up. - Certainly. I've been grown-up for years.

Kitty.

Jack and I are in love.

- Madly? - Oh, please don't joke about it.

We've fought it. Really, we have. But it's no use.

I have never said anything to you about being in love. Where did you get such an idea?

Don't interrupt, Jack. I haven't heard any good, juicy gossip for weeks.

- Go ahead, Gloria. - I suppose we've always known it in our hearts.

- But we only admitted it today. - What are you talking about?

How can you just make something up like this?

- There's no reason to get excited. - I am not getting excited.

- Excuse me, Gloria, but I was just trying to explain- - Later, dear.

- Sit down, Gloria. This is a very interesting situation. - I prefer to stand.

- Ah, sit down! - Now, don't fight.

Kitty, stop chasing around and let me explain this thing to you.

Come in! Come in!

Got a couple changes for- Kitty!

- Hello, Walter. - I thought you'd be home wringing out diapers.

What brings you to these parts?

Haven't you heard? I've decided to come back to work.

- To work? - And about time too. Don't you think so, darling?

- Yes. Yes, Kitty. What about the baby? - Selma's with her.

Go tell everybody I'll do this week's show.

We'll be along to start rehearsing as soon as we get a little business finished here.

Well, take your time, baby. I wouldn't think of interfering with business.

- See you around, Gloria. - You run along, Walter.

We'll see you later.

Now, where were we, Gloria?

Oh, yes. About you and Jack.

Of course, there's several ways a wife can look at a situation like this.

- Are you sure you won't sit down? - No, thank you.

For instance, I could shoot you both.

The unwritten law, you know. But then, that's rather uncivilized, isn't it?

Well, if that's your attitude, I'm going.

- Now, Kitty, listen- - Oh, don't go. This is just getting interesting.

- Please let me say something! - Later, dear. This is a problem for Gloria and me.

Certainly, I don't want to stand in the way of anyone's happiness.

- Perhaps we can arrange a nice, quiet divorce. - Divorce?

Well, you don't want to commit bigamy, do you?

Think how inconvenient it would be- two women clinging to you.

- To say nothing of the expense. - Would you please let me get a word in here edgewise?

Certainly, dear, if you have a better suggestion.

This whole thing is cockeyed. Sure I kissed her. She's cute. Little on the goofy side, but-

- Jack! - Oh, now you've hurt her.

- Well, I'm human! - Stop bragging and go on with your story.

What I mean is, one kiss doesn't mean a guy wants to start paying alimony.

Especially the first time he gets caught.

- What am I gonna do now? - Well, I'll tell you.

In the future, you'll be a lot better off keeping your mind on your job...

and your hands off my husband.

Because, you see, he's not a bit clever.

Well? Shall we get ready to rehearse?

What a life.

A guy can't even pinch a girl without her hearing wedding bells.

- Ow! That hurt! - I meant it to.

Probably have a mark on me as big as a hen's egg.

That'll give you a rough idea what'll happen...

the next time I catch you being "human."

Rhinelander 7-3-200.

Yes, sir. Mrs. Moran will be on the program tonight.

Yes, sir. We're pleased too.

Rhinelander 7-3-200.

Who? Mrs. Moran? I'm sorry. She's on stage.

What? Please don't speak so loudly. I can't understand you.

What is that about a baby? What?

Yes, I'll tell her it's very important as soon as I can get to her.

Mac, see if you can get this to Mrs. Moran right away.

- I'm your man. - Rhinelander 7-3-200.

This is channel 2, WTVW.

Stay tuned for Kitty and Jack Moran.

- I've got a message for Mrs. Moran. - Too late. They're on.

♪ Cosmo♪

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we're going to take you to the friendly islands in the South Pacific.

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♪ And on♪♪

Mrs. Moran?

Mrs. Moran, there was a telephone call for you from your apartment.

- The operator sounded pretty excited. - Who was it? What'd they say?

She didn't understand it very well, but it was something about the baby.

- What about the baby? - Jack, see if you can get Selma on the phone.

I'll change right away.

Cosmo Cosmetics proudly present Kitty and Jack Moran each week.

I done my best, Miss Kitty.

- The baby. - I done my best.

Ain't no use in goin' in there. The baby ain't there.

Ain't nobody there.

Where is she? Where is the baby?

They come and taken her away.

- Who? Who took her? - Those folks that says the baby was theirs.

Oh, no.

Now, stop carrying on and tell us what happened.

Well, I was sittin' here with the baby in my lap...

listenin' to the radio...

when a lady and two gentlemen come in.

One of 'em said the baby was his and he want his flesh and blood back.

And the other one said he was a lawyer...

and if I didn't give the baby back they'd call the police.

No.

Oh, Miss Kitty, I tried to stop 'em.

I told 'em that nobody would touch that baby leastways you said so.

But they wouldn't pay me no mind.

- They just took her right out of my arms. - They can't, Jack.

They can't. I-It's my baby.

Oh, Janet, they can't. They can't.

I want my baby. I'm going to find my baby!

Kitty!

- There must be some way. - There's no way I know of at the moment, Mrs. Moran.

Tomorrow we'll see what we can do, but I'm afraid you haven't a chance.

But the mother gave us the baby.

- We paid all the expenses and she signed the papers. - I understand.

But there's a definite procedure prescribed...

for the adoption of children in this state.

They must come either through definitely established adoption homes...

or with the sanction of the courts.

You'll find, usually, that the courts bend backwards...

to return a child to its natural parents.

Well, I'm sorry we got you up so late.

- It's just, we didn't know where to turn. - That's unimportant.

- I'm just sorry there's nothing I can do to help. - Let's go, dear.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night. - Good night. Thank you.

That's fine. Thank you, Gladys.

- If you need me, I'll be in the wings. - I'll holler.

Are you sure you're all right, Mrs. Moran?

I'll be all right. Thank you.

- Ready? - In a minute.

Yes?

Excuse me. There are a couple ladies to see you. They say it's important.

- We can't see anyone until- - This will take only a moment.

- Thank you, young man. - What is it you want to see us about?

I've had you on my conscience. And at my age, one can't afford a bad conscience.

If you don't mind, we'd rather not go into it.

Mrs. Johnston only wants to say we have another baby for you.

- I'll do the talking, Miss Gilbert. - Sorry.

- I've brought along the necessary papers. - We don't want another baby.

- What's that? - We had a baby. We loved it. It's gone.

- We can't substitute just any baby. - I know all about that.

I've kept my eye on you. But you'll feel differently when you see this boy.

- Five minutes, Mr. Moran. - We'll be right there.

I realize I acted too hastily when I took your baby away from you.

- I have no false pride about admitting when I am wrong. - Yes, but-

Now, now. You're acting hastily.

That I can't permit.

I shan't leave until you sign these papers.

Here. You may use my pen.

Well, congratulations!

- Oh, darling! Such wonderful news! - I knew it would work out.

- We haven't made up our minds whether we want this or not. - You've got no choice.

- We've already delivered it. - What are you talking about? Delivered what?

The baby, of course. What else?

The father's run off again. I'm naming him as Father of the Year.

There'll be no slipup this time. We've had our own lawyer talk to the mother.

- Where is she? Where's the baby? - With Selma, of course.

In the lap of luxury.

Darling, we've got her back. We've got our baby back.

Honey, it looks like we got two babies back.

Two?

Kitty! Jack! We're waiting for you!

We'll be there in just a second. Get dressed.

You haven't given me your answer yet. Do you want the baby?

Of course we do. We want them both.

Oh, thank you, Mrs.Johnston. Miss Gilbert.

Is everybody going crazy around here?

- Walter! - You gotta get dressed. We gotta do a show.

Mrs. Johnston, I'm sorry to rush you like this, but you know how it is.

Thank you, Walter.

Kitty.

What's the matter? Huh?

I don't know. My- My head feels funny.

- I'll get you a glass of water. - No, I'll be all right.

- Think I'd better get Gloria ready? - No. Not that. I'll be fine.

I'm just dizzy, that's all.

Okay. I guess it's just all this excitement, huh? Let me help you with that.

I'll make it all right.

Cosmo Cosmetics present Kitty and Jack Moran!

♪ Don't rock the boat dear ♪

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♪ Me ♪

♪ Don't rock the yawl dear ♪

- Boing! - ♪ With that southern drawl dear ♪

- Boing! - ♪ Let's not have a brawl dear ♪

Boing! ♪ We're not lost at sea ♪

- ♪ Don't rock the hull dear ♪ - ♪ Don't rock the hull, dear ♪

- ♪ Why sit here and sulk dear ♪ - ♪ Why sit here and sulk, dear ♪

- ♪ Take me in the bulk dear ♪ - ♪ Take me in the bulk, dear ♪

- ♪ The way it oughta be ♪ - ♪ The way it oughta be ♪

♪ Even though we're out in deep waters ♪

♪ We must save the future for sons and daughters ♪

♪ Don't rock the boat dear ♪

♪ Keep our love afloat dear ♪

♪ Strike that happy note dear ♪

- What's wrong with her? - I don't know. Something's up.

- Do you think she's all right? - I don't know. I don't know.

♪ Dear ♪

♪ Just for the likes of you and me ♪♪

- Kitty, are you all right? - I'm fine. I feel wonderful-

- Oh! Get the doctor. - Kitty, are you all right?

- Kitty! - Make some room.

Get out of the way.

- Doctor- - D-Doc, how is she?

Fine, fine. She's fine.

There's nothing really wrong with her?

- Nothing, except she's going to have a baby. - A what?

About Christmas, I'd say.

She can't have a baby. Dr. Graham told me that when she had that accident-

Well, maybe she can't, but she is.

Oh, me. Three.

On one match.

- Doc, I, uh-Can I go in now? - Certainly. Go right on in.

- Oh. Thank you. - Yes.

Here- Uh, here.

Honey, do you know what that crazy doctor out there was trying to tell me?

It's all right.

They're deductible.