Original subtitles

This one's from me.The ribboning isn't my best --

I have carpal tunnel.

My new company is putting me up at The Prescott,

a luxury residence with full amenities.

I admit, this extravagant lifestyle

can make me a little uncomfortable.

Gentle, Marta!

Another candle. Thanks, everyone.

Gloria:Alex, you should know

that a crook worksat the hair salon downstairs --

Adolfo of Venice.

Isn't he the colorist to the stars?

Thank you for asking even though I know you know.

I hate him.

Adolfo of Venice is actuallyAlan Carpman of Bakersfield.

We started as hairdresserstogether,

but he stolemy hair dye formula.

For a family of generally lovely people,

we sure have a lot of rivals.

You know what, it's been fun, but it's time to go.

You haven't even opened the candle that Cam and I got you.

And don't we get a tour of the building?

This place has everything.

Um, an archery range, a shark tank, a --

a Westworld?

Sorry, I've gota huge project due.

We can always just explore on our own.

Actually, you can't.

There's a strict "no unaccompanied guests" policy.

I violate that, they kick me out.

I'll have the valet fetch your cars.

Oh, you can do that from here?

Yeah, everything's automated.

You just need a resident ID code.

[ Keypad beeping ]

[ Beeping stops ][ Indistinct talking ]

[ Beeping resumes ]

--Captions by VITAC--

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc.

and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can.

Bye, Phil. Bye.

All right, well, I parked on the street,

so I'll just meet you at home.

-Bye, Claire. -I need to run to the mall.

Would you pick up somesteaks from the farmersmarket for tonight?

Oh, so you did remember it's date night.

I was a little worried after your response to my Paperless Post.

Oh, come on.

You know my maybesalways turn into will attends.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Aww.

When was the last timethat you and I

cooked a romantic dinnertogether?

We did it last week.

I'm not talking about sprinklinghot dog slices on a DiGiorno's.

[ Tires squeal ]

You couldn't bring my carbefore I got in trouble?

[ Tires squeal ]

Thank you.

[ Keypad beeps, computer chirps ]

Phil:I've been secretly moonlightingas an online food blogger,

"Foodie in a Hoodie" --

it rhymes on the page.

I've quickly developed a huge following,

and The Prescott is home to the city's hottest restaurant,

called Pardon.

Hello.

[ British accent ] Ah, good day, sir.

Forgive me. I'm new here.

Still getting to knoweach of the tenants.

I'm your concierge, Higgins.

You look so familiar. Have we met?

'Fraid not, no.

I do get that a lot, though.

I havean everyman face and body.

[ Whirring ]

[ Whispering ] They're rising.

Ah, yes, Finley.

Patrols the building for non-residents

using a motion sensorand face scanner.

Useful, yes, but does he havethat uniquely human ability

to anticipatea person's every need?

Coconut water?

I didn't even know I wanted this!

Finley, away![ Finley beeps ]

Anything elseI can help you with, sir?

Uh...no.

I'm just headed down to the restaurant.

[ French accent ] Pardon?

Your...in-house eatery.

Pardon?

You know -- uh, waiters, cutlery, daily specials.

I think it's called Pardon.

Of course. My mistake.It's all right.

Right this way.

Avoiding the security robot would be tricky,

but Finley had a weakness --

he can only detect people if they're moving.

And it was worth the risk --

Pardon claimed to have the world's best beef slider,

and my -- my followers are dying for a review.

Well, all but one.

I have a troll.

Screen name "Close to Utlaw," wherever that is.

We recently got into a -- a heated comment war.

Insults were hurled, mothers disparaged.

Who knew the Internet could be so negative?

Table for one. I live here.

Something just opened up.

Great, lead the way.I live here.

[ Keypad beeps, computer chirps ]

[ Light music plays]

Hi. Uh, I'm new here.

Could you lead me to the screening room?

I should think so.

At the butler academy,I led my class in leading.

This way.

Recently, I got a special edition Blu-ray

of the best movie ever made, "Lawrence of Arabia."

Word is, The Prescott has

a state-of-the-art screening room with surround sound.

Know what it doesn't have?

Manny.

Hello! I would've gonewith a tracking shot there.

[ Dramatic music plays]

I sure hope he finds a plotout there in that desert.

Behold,our famous candy wall.

Hey, Sugar Babies.

Yes, honey buns?No, Sugar Babies.

The greatest movie candy of all time.

A thousand apologies.

I will track some down for you straight away.

You wouldn't mind? Mind? Please.

There is no greater joy

than fetching something I've never heard of

for someone I've only just met.

May I help you with something?

Oh. Uh, no, I'm just -- I'm waiting for someone.

And his name is David Beckham.

Resident at The Prescott.

Okay, Mitchell hates it when I do this,

but every time I meet a celebrity,

I ask them to record my outgoing message.

My current one is from when I saw Snoop Dogg at a bank.

Cameron: Sorry I missed you. As you can see --

Snoop Dogg: I'm busy!

And sometimes things can --

Get away from me!

Please leave a message, including your phone number,

just for -- Security!

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hey, sweetie, what's up?I'm -- I'm kind of busy.

Mitchell: Cam, I'm hurt. It's my leg.

What?

I slipped in the food court,

and I'm all sticky and tweens are laughing at me.

You have to come pick me up.

Well, that sounds awful,but -- [ Sighs ]

Isn't --Isn't Claire closer?

Well, you're at the farmers market right down the street.

Okay, fine. I'm on my way.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Aww, you're the best.

I was not gonna let Cam ruin my chance

to thank my wallpaper, Victoria Beckham, one-on-one.

Okay, so, it was 1997.

I was in Detroit

for a Spice Girls concert with my girlfriend.

I was going to propose to her,

had the ring in my pocket and everything,

when from the stage, Posh lookedright at me and said,

[ British accent ]"Be true to yourself, Mitchell!"

[ Normal voice ] Okay, you know, she might've said "Michigan,"

but she was looking right at me!

She inspired me to come out that night.

I had that diamond reset as an anklet charm,

and I was off to the races. [ Chuckles ]

What kind of gym bag is that, anyway?

It's a satchel,you ignorant sneeze.

You have been so unpleasant lately.

On a definitely related note,

Manny hasn't gotten any action in months.

Well, other thanwhatever gave him carpal tunnel.

Luckily, The Prescott has an '80s aerobi-cise class,

which will be full of single older ladies.

Women hit a sweet spot right after 40

where they still look great

but their standards have lowered.

[ Dance music plays]

You're in pretty good shapefor someone who's...

42? 43?

I'm 38.

Bye.

Higgins.

Oh, Mr. Beckham. Apologies.

Blind as a batwithout these bad boys.

So, myself and Courteney areexpecting a bowling instructor.

Would you have him meet us downstairs at the bowling alley, please?

You and Ms. Cox getting an edge

for this weekend'scelebrity bowl-a-thon?

Oh, we'll need it.

You should've seen the way he bowled last year.

I mean, it isto raise money for charity.

Yeah, a dollar for each of the 18 pins that you knocked down.

Thanks to you, Doctors Without Borders

are now Doctors Without Malaria Pills.

A bit harsh.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Did you see the two friends in the back?

The blond one liked me, and thebrunette kept staring at you.

Can you blame her?

No one movesto "Caribbean Queen" like me.

Ah, just who I was toldto be on the lookout for.

A certain couple haveasked that you meet themin the bowling alley.

Was it a blonde and a brunette?

Indeed, and they seemed eagerto get rolling.

Bowling alley?

These girls are freaky.

Hair salon?

Just off the courtyard to your right.Thank you.

I've always wanted to dye my hair dark.

But there's only one colorist I would trust to do it --

Adolfo of Venice.

Gloria's sworn enemy.

I just have to sneak back in and do it without her knowing.

[ Beep, beep ]Oh!

[ Beep, computer chirps ]

[ FaceTime ringing ]

Alex: Hi, Mom.

Hi, Alex. Hey, honey.

So, how's the project going?

I'm never gonna make this deadline.

Oh, yeah, no, that -- that -- that's tough...

I'm sorry -- sorry to hear that.

Work is so stressful.[ Beep, computer chirps ]

I'm glad you called, I'm actually --Yeah, got to go, love you! Bye!

[ Cellphone beeps ]

The pool?

Just hop on the elevator

and press the big buttonmarked "pool."

I am known as the fearless one of the family.

So, when Claire gave us all free passes

for the Fun Town Water Park next week,

I couldn't admit that I am afraid of slides.

They go so fast, I feel like I'm going to fly off.

I just need to try it once and I am going to be fine.

I cannot do it!

Hey, no backsies!

[ Groans ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Okay, here I go!

[ Screams ]

You should have let me do backsies!

[ Tablet chimes ]Female voice: Resident ID access -- hair salon.

What? Who's using my code?! [ Scoffs ]

[ Bad Italian accent ] You a-look like that a-actress...

Audrey Hepburn.

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Line ringing]

This is Phil Dunphy. Leave a message.[ Beep]

Phil, I have a little surprise for you later.

Let's just say I know how much you love brunettes.

Here's a menu for you.Thank you.

And for my followers...

an Instagram tease.

[ Camera clicks ]

[ Footsteps approach ]

Your Sugar Babies, sir.

I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

On the contrary.

There was a Mexican birthday celebration

taking place in the park across the street.

I waited for the crack of the piñata,

mixed in seamlessly with the children,

and pounced.

[ Groans ][ Cellphone chimes ]

He's here?!

Some moron food blogger took a shot

at one of my favorite spots.

So I go after him usingmy screen name, "Closet Outlaw."

It escalates, and he turns his army of followers against me.

As I wrote in my last comment --

"Let's see how well my fist pairs with your face."

[ Sighs ]

[ Tablet chimes ]

The bowling alley?!

[ Laptop slams ]

Alex is here?!

If she sees us,she'll throw us out.

Excuse me.

If that blonde and brunette come by,

could you tell them there's a new meet-up spot?

The hot tubs on the rooftop.

Of course, warm things up a bitbefore your workout.

If there's nothing else,I need to make sure

these balls are markedwith their correct weights.

[ Scoffs ]

Hi.

Size 10 for him

and anything with a steel toe for me.

Someone drops his ball a lot.

There has been a change of plan.

Your bowling instructorwould now like you to meet him

in the hot tubs for a warmup first.

Meet you up there? Yep.

If you're calling the charity for a new partner,

it's not gonna work.

They already made the posters.

Ready to order? Very.

I came to this restaurant forone thing and one thing only.

[ Finley whirring ]

[ Scanner clicking ]

And that thing is...?

Sorry.Uh, one of your world fa--

[ Whirring, clicking ]

One of our world's fattest hot dogs coming up.

No! The -- The slider.

And how would you like it?

Me...

[ Whirring, clicking ]

Yes, you, sir....dium rare.

And can you have it deliveredto the pool, please?

Of course.[ Watch chimes ]

Okay, that slider goes to the pool,[ Watch chimes ]

and it looks like we need one for Mr. Beckham to the roof.

You seen a guy in a black hoodie?

Just left.Thanks.

Oh, I'll be back.

I'm dying to try one ofyour world's fattest hot dogs.

[ Horn honks ]

[ Line ringing]

[ Breathlessly ] Hey, you here at the mall?

No, not yet. Why are you breathing so hard?

Oh, um, a bunch of kids were vaping next to me,

and I had to army-crawl into a-a candle store.

Yeah. Is there anything you want while I'm here?

Can I tell you what I want, what I really, really want?

You're watching me right now, aren't you?

Oh --

Cam, okay, look.

I was hoping I'd run into Posh

here at the gym for a private moment, okay?

Look, we're both after the Beckhams.

Let's come up with a plan together --

meet me at the swim-up bar.

There's a swim-up bar?!

I know, we should be living here

and Alex should be living in our stupid house.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Light music plays]

Jay: Hey!

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Higgins, I need you!

Where are you?!

[ Grunting ]

A spot of bother, I see?

I can't do it!

Oh, of course you can.

I'll just crawl in front of you

so you can grab me around the waist.

I apologize in advancefor any giggling.

I'm cursedwith the tickle gene.

What's going on?

Someone's stuck on the slide.

She tried to climb back down, but --

No backsies, I get it.Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh! That's for me.

Thank you.

But it goes too fast!Oh, no, don't worry.

I shall vary the flex of mybuttocks to control our speed.

We should be -- [ Laughs ]

No! [ Whimpers ]

My deepest apologies!

Oh, no!

Okay.

[ Screaming ]

Noooo!!

[ Laughs ]

That one's sorted.

[ Watch chimes ]

I need some sparkling watersent up to the hot tub cabanas.

Can't say for whom,

but let's includea glass of champagne

in case his poshwife joins him.

Easy.

Easy.

[ Click, air whirring ]

Come on!

Higgins! Hey, hey.

Um, listen...

I need your helpgetting my hands on the slider.

The slider?

Oh, of course.

Quite a looker, that one.

Well, that's the problem --so far,

I've only been able to lookand not taste.

Say no more. I shall find a wayto deliver the slider to you.

Great!

Um, is there somewhere private

where I couldenjoy the slider alone?

Might I suggest one of our rooftop hot tubs

overlooking the city?

Perfect, I'll wait there.

And I'll -- I'll need a bib --I can make a mess.

[ Lettuce snaps ]

Still crisp.

He's close.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Light music plays]

How'd I get back here?

♪♪

Ah, Posh.

Thank you.

Your husband has askedthat you meet him

up in one of the rooftophot tubs for some champagne.

Phil.

♪♪

Hi.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Sighs ]

Higgins! The slides aren't the enemy.

Fear is.

It's always a thrill to seeone of my residents grow.

By the way,a certain mystery man

has spotted you around the building

and has requested your presenceon the roof.

[ Gasps ]

Jay's finally doing something romantic!

Just when I thought he was a clueless grouch.

♪♪

[ Breathing heavily ]

How many lobbies does this place have?!

Excuse me.Where can I find a bathing suit?

Oh, there are complimentary suits in all of the cabanas.

Ooh. Worry not, I boil them myself nightly.

Ah.

Let's see a robot do that.

Hi, Higgins. We havea bit of an unusual request.

Now, we know you need to be discreet, but...

we are hoping to have a rendezvous

with a certain distinguished Brit.

Hmm?

Consider it arranged.

Okay. Okay.

Still no sign of the ladies.

Maybe they're in a different cabana.

Mine's here.

Let's wait for the blonde.

I only know how to do thiswith even numbers.

Hello, Mr. Robot!

Can you tell me where to gofor my romantic surprise?

Gloria?!

[ Inhales deeply ]

Now mine's here, but yours is gone.

Now they're bothgone!

They'll be back.

Maybe one of them had a nanny emergency.

Let's wait for them in there.

Slider?

Arriving shortly. Cabana 3.

Thank you.

[ Curtain opens ]

Here we are, then.

Higgins,what are you doing?!

Oh, role play.

[ Cockney accent ] I know I am but a lowly stable boy,

unwanted in the master's quarters, but --

Perhaps you'd like to teach me a lesson?

Just stay away from the face.

Uh, obviously there's been some sort of misunderstanding.

Yeah, do we look likethe kind of people

that would be intosome sort of weird role play

involving a stable boy?

I'm assuming he's been naughty

and would do anythingto keep his job.

Cam -- Cam?

In my defense, I do get this request quite often.

Particularly around the holidays.

Actually, um...

we were hoping to meet a certain celebrity couple.

Yeah.Say no more.

I make no promises, but let me just

wriggle back into my shorts and make some inquiries.

[ Water splashing ]

Ah, wonderful timing!

Please step into Cabana 3 -- your mystery man awaits.

[ Giggles ]

[ Curtain opens ]

[ Sighs ] Hi.

I know that you and Iaren't supposed to be here,

but after today, I am tiredof living a life of fear.

Was Gloria Claire's brunette surprise?

It all started when Clairegave me a free pass to Fun Town.

I thought, just try it today.

Take a ride, see how it feels.

Oh. I never noticedhow sexy your feet are.

Thank you, but this isn'thappening, Gloria! [ Screams ]

[ Curtain opens ]

Oh, there you are. Sorry we missed you at the bowling alley.

She looked differentwith a headband on.

Warming up in a hot tub first --

unconventional, but, hey, anything to loosen up Becks.

Did we meet a Becky?

Maybe.There were so many of them.

So, how old is this Becks?

44.

It's on.

Oh, there you are.

Wait...you're Becks?

Yep,and I'm eager to learn.

A warning -- my form is clumsy,but I'm great on my feet.

[ Curtain opens ]

[ Sighs ] Okay, who gets the dude?

This never happened.

Fine, I'll take him.

But we're just gonna hang out and see where it goes.

Mmm!

Pardon the interruption.

It looks like you're finished with the slider?

I am, and can I be honest?I prefer bigger buns.

It's wonderful to just talk like men sometimes, isn't it?

It is.

Jay,what are you doing here?

I've spent the whole day looking for that miserable --

You're the Foodie in a Who-dy?!

W-Why would you say that?

[ Sniffs ]

Ketchup!

I'm trying, but I'm lost!

You insulted my mother!

Oh, my God.You're Close to Utlaw?!

It's Closet Outlaw!

Jay, I don't blame youfor being mad.

I-I turned my legions of fansagainst you, and, uh...

it's Foodie in a Hoodie,by -- by the way.

But you got a bigger problemat home that I just heard about,

and I thinkI can help you with it.

Claire?Oh! Gloria.

I can't believe you recognized me.

I'm so sorry about my hair.

I'm so glad that we canfinally talk about it.

Grow it out,let yourself be a girl.

Higgins: Okay,final set of instructions

on a day that will no doubtbe a memorable chapter

in my forthcoming memoir, "You Rang?"

You, Cabana 2.

You, Cabana 3.

[ Giggles ] Oh.

[ Gasps ]

You areromantic.

Honey, if you don't like my hair, I can change it.

What? I love it.

Maybe next week I can arrange

a little rendezvous with a redhead.

[ Chuckles ]

O-Okay.

I'm glad we cleared that up.

I can't waitfor my bowling lesson with you.

Oh, my God.

Foot-y in a Hoodie was here today.

Ah, you're great.

When does Posh get here?

And I apologize for being late.

You know, I-I left a message.

I'm sorryI missed your call.

Can you say that one more time?[ Cellphone beeps ]

Um...

So, I got a few incidental charges from yesterday.

$200 for Sugar Baby procurement?

Sorry.

Eight sliders and one coconut water?

He charged me for that?

$300 for a slide rescue.

$40 fine for the non-wiping of stationary bike.

I barely sweat.

You're sweating right now.

A $150 fine for the non-return of leg warmers.

And eight $100 Westworld entry fees?

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God. We left Cam there!

Oh, no!

♪♪

♪♪