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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 2 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:27,400 * [ group singing doo-wop ] 3 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,280 * [ doo-wop continues ] 4 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,640 # i'm dreaming # 5 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:38,440 # of a white christmas # 6 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:42,280 # just like the ones i used to know # 7 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,200 * [ doo-wop continues ] 8 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:48,520 # where those treetops glisten # 9 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,880 # and children listen # 10 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,280 # to hear # 11 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,160 # sleigh bells in the snow # 12 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,080 # the snow # 13 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,440 # but then i-i-i am dreaming # 14 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:06,760 # of a white christmas # 15 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:11,080 # with every christmas card i write # 16 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,480 * [ doo-wop continues ] * [ playing ] 17 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,880 # may your days, may your days may your days # 18 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:20,680 # be merry and bright # 19 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:25,480 # and may all your christmases be white # 20 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:28,360 * [ doo-wop continues ] 21 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,720 # i-i-i-i'm dreaming # 22 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:36,520 # of a white christmas # 23 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:40,840 # just like the ones i used to know # 24 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,760 * [ doo-wop continues ] 25 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,600 # where the treetops glisten # 26 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:50,440 # and the children listen # 27 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,840 # to hear # 28 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,680 # sleigh bells in the snow # 29 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,600 * [ bass singing descending notes ] 30 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,480 # i-i-i-i'm dreaming # 31 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:05,800 # of a white christmas # 32 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,720 # with every # 33 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,120 # christmas card i write # 34 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,520 * [ doo-wop continues ] 35 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,920 # may those days may your days # 36 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:18,760 # may your days be merry and bright # 37 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,120 ? # ooh-ooh-ooh ? 38 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,960 # and may all # 39 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,320 # your christmases be white #? ? 40 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:34,120 * [ doo-wop continues ] 41 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:39,400 * [ doo-wop fades ] 42 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,240 [ woman ] felix, come back here ! 43 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,600 you don't deserve to be the father of my child ! 44 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,960 come back here with that santa claus suit ! 45 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:55,240 - [ groaning ] - [ sighs ] 46 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,640 you jerk ! you ruined our tree ! 47 00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,560 that tree was absolutely symmetrical ! 48 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,960 it took us two hours to find it ! it was perfect ! 49 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,880 nothing's perfect, you cretins ! 50 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,800 stop yelling. you're gonna send her into labor. 51 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,640 she's going into labor now ! she is not ! she's only seven months pregnant ! 52 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,040 [ rollerbladers yelling ] all right, stop it ! it's christmas ! 53 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:16,360 it was an accident. show a little christmas spirit. [ man ] you owe us 40 bucks ! 54 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:20,200 touch me and i'll sue you for a million dollars ! [ indistinct yelling ] 55 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,560 i'm sure santa will repay you. it was 50 bucks, okay ? 56 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,920 we can't even afford to have our baby. now look what you did ! 57 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,320 mind your own business, mister ! you drove him away ! 58 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,680 this is my business. my business is helping people. well, you know what ? 59 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,560 merry christmas ! 60 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,720 [ sighs ] 61 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,280 [ woman's voice ] you have reached the office of lifesavers. 62 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,200 all lines are busy. 63 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:13,480 if you are truly on the verge of suicide and calling from a touch-tone phone, press one. 64 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:17,320 if you are merely depressed, stay on the line. a friendly voice will be with you shortly. 65 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,160 what am i supposed to do ? i don't have a touch-tone phone. 66 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:25,480 suppose iwason the verge of suicide ? [ sighs ] 67 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,360 [ phone rings ] 68 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,720 [ woman ] merry christmas. lifesavers. how may we help you ? 69 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,600 i haven't slept for days. i'm terrified of the seaside strangler. 70 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,440 i know he's going to get me. do you fit the physical description of his victims ? 71 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,280 are you a very attractive woman with long, dark hair ? not really. 72 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:45,640 although, how long do you think is "long" ? at least to your shoulders. 73 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,040 [ man over static ] i can't stop worrying about the planet. 74 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,400 and what is it about janet that is worrying you ? 75 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,320 not janet, the planet. 76 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,680 would you click your phone ? there's some static on the line. 77 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,520 [ static continues ] you know, dear, just click the little button like this. 78 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,400 [ dial tone ] hmm ! 79 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,240 we're not permitted to divulge the personal details of our lives, 80 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,120 but i can assure you i know what you're feeling. 81 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,000 do you live alone too ? 82 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,920 i live with my mother. that's all i can say. 83 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,760 catherine, you're not supposed to tell them about yourself. 84 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:23,560 oh, i could never live with my mother. that's something to remember. 85 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,400 no matter how bleak things are, at least you don't live with your mother. 86 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:32,200 thank you for calling and don't hesitate to call again. merry christmas. 87 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:37,000 may i click for you ? i don't think so, mrs. munchnik. 88 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,400 that person wasn't suicidal, only depressed. 89 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,320 but if he or she had not spoken with you, 90 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,120 he or she might have become suicidal, mightn't they ? [ counter clicks ] 91 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,000 [ chuckles ] and where do you suppose philip is ? 92 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,840 i'm sure he'll be here shortly. playing around, probably. 93 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:56,680 that's very unfair. philip is completely true to susan. 94 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:01,480 men are not true to anything. they will have sex with a tree. 95 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,840 if you look out the window, you'll see him pulling up on his bicycle at any moment. 96 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,240 i could be having christmas eve dinner right now... 97 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,160 with all of my dead husband's relatives. 98 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,520 i am not someone with no place to go. 99 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,920 i'm sure you're not. 100 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,840 [ phone rings ] 101 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,720 merry christmas. lifesavers. how may i help you ? 102 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,200 philip ! just the man i'm looking for. 103 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:48,040 merry christmas. you're out. you can't evict us. 104 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:52,360 lifesavers has saved over 1,400 lives this year. doesn't that mean anything ? 105 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,760 plus, you are three months behind in your rent. 106 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,680 we don't exactly have a cash flow. 107 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,080 after you save someone's life, you can't ask for money. 108 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,920 doctors can. aren't you some sort of doctor, philip ? no. 109 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:06,280 tell me, in all of your calls, has anybody impaled themselves ? 110 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,680 - no. - aw ! 111 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,560 stanley, how am i gonna tell the people who work for me their jobs are over ? 112 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,480 try "you're fired." it works for me. 113 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,360 does anyone ever drink glass ? we're broke. 114 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,280 the state has cut back our funding. 115 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,680 no, they don't drink glass. what's the matter with you ? 116 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,560 oh, they must. they must what ? 117 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,960 they must drink glass. they must. 118 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,800 january 2. out ! you don't care, stanley tanenbaum. 119 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,680 you're one of the people who doesn't care. of course not. 120 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,520 i'm the landlord. [ laughs ] 121 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,080 oh, philip, a tree. 122 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,960 merry christmas. merry christmas. i'm so glad you could make it. 123 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,360 are you all right ? i'm fine ! 124 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:57,160 temper, temper. it's just that everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. 125 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:01,480 - at least we're not being evicted. - and why haven't we been ? 126 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,400 where are the call sheets ? everyone else in the building... 127 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,280 has received a yellow eviction notice. one hang up ! 128 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,160 dr. gillespie has received two eviction notices. 129 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,080 one woman worried about the strangler. 130 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,480 one man about to slit his wrists... [ bike clattering ] 131 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:18,280 because his nonprofit business is being destroyed by a capitalist maniac ! 132 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,160 if we do get evicted, i'm sure philip will think of something. 133 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,040 that's right. i'll think of something. when he was in the peace corps, 134 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,440 he built an entire peruvian village. 135 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,840 [ both ] and solved all of their soil erosion problems. 136 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,200 you could see the bright side of a plague. 137 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,600 i'm on my way. 138 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,520 not without your present ! 139 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,280 merry christmas, mrs. munchnik. 140 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,680 a fruitcake ? 141 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,080 yes. 142 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,920 remarkably like the one i gave you last year. 143 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,600 thank you so much, philip. [ catherine ] oh, let me help you. 144 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,920 # i'll be home # 145 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,760 - merry christmas ! -# for christmas # 146 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,560 # you can count on me # 147 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,960 say hello to your dead husband's sister for me. thank you, i will. 148 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,360 merry christmas. merry christmas. 149 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,160 # please have snow # 150 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:25,480 # and mistletoe # 151 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:30,760 # and presents on the tree * 152 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,760 [ pressing button ] 153 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,680 [ sighs ] 154 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,840 help ! 155 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:58,120 help ! philip ! catherine ! 156 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,520 it's mrs. munchnik ! 157 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,560 hello ! 158 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,280 what are you doing with that ? 159 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,680 it's my protection against the seaside strangler. 160 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:25,000 oh, give me that, honey. we don't know anything about guns. 161 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:29,800 oh, felix, i could have sold that santa claus suit and bought our baby a car seat. 162 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:34,600 we don't even have a car. what was i supposed to wear ? you cut up all my clothes. 163 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,920 i was mad ! honey, you were mad the day we met. 164 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:43,720 a man on the boardwalk comes up to me and says, "smile." a total stranger. 165 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,080 and you screamed at him, "shut up !" remember ? 166 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,440 i did, didn't i ? [ laughs ] you were right to. 167 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,840 it was a total invasion of your privacy. 168 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,760 [ laughing ] it was. 169 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:58,120 hey ! look what i got for you. 170 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:01,480 this means we can have the baby in the hospital for free ! 171 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,880 all we have to do is swear we're completely broke... 172 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,240 and have absolutely no way of supporting ourselves and never will. 173 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:11,560 oh, god ! felix, i don't want to hurt your feelings, but-- 174 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,400 you are the only person in my whole life who's never hurt my feelings. 175 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:20,200 you're a loser. i can't have a loser dropping in and out of my baby's life. 176 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,600 i'm not a loser ! i'm an artist ! 177 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,480 why can't you paint on canvas or paper like anyone else ? 178 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,840 because i'm a wall artist ! but you don't have a wall ! 179 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,760 but someday i will have a wall. 180 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,600 someday i'm gonna do my masterpiece on a great big wall... 181 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,520 right out there on the boardwalk. 182 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,920 and you're gonna be in it and the baby's gonna be in it... 183 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,320 and the sand and the sea and the stars are gonna be shining ! 184 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,720 mmm, i want a businessman. 185 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,640 what are you talking about ? 186 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,960 i'm talking about breaking up, felix. that's what i'm talking about. 187 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,320 oh, come on, honey. i'm leaving. 188 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,680 where you going ? i'm going for a walk. 189 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,560 gracie, honey, come on. you're just stressed. 190 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:03,400 and don't try to follow me either ! [ door slams ] 191 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,680 susan ! it's philip. 192 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:13,000 uh, uh, let me just go somewhere private where we can talk. 193 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,120 [ door shuts ] 194 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,000 tanenbaum's evicting us. the bastard ! i'm sorry, philip. 195 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,400 you're gonna have to get another job. susan... 196 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,280 i've never asked you for money before, but you're a loan officer. 197 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:33,640 and a small loan-- say $5,000-- could save us. 198 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,040 i don't know what else to do. i don't know how to tell catherine. 199 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,920 she's sitting out there knitting something-- a potholder. 200 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,280 [ susan sighs ] i hate to talk about money at a time like this. 201 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:46,600 a time like what ? oh, god, i don't know how to say this. 202 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:51,400 this is really hard for me. my psychiatrist thinks we should break up. 203 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:56,200 what ? i didn't know you were going to a psychiatrist. 204 00:12:56,200 --> 00:13:01,000 i'm not actually going to one. i've been dating one for four months. 205 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,920 this is so sudden. 206 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,840 i didn't want to tell you this over the phone. 207 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:09,160 i really wanted to fax you. but you don't even have a fax. 208 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,520 [ dial tone ] susan ? 209 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,440 susan ? 210 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,040 it's so quiet suddenly. 211 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,440 you'd expect everyone to be thinking of jumping out of windows... 212 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,840 or slitting their wrists on christmas eve, wouldn't you ? 213 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:31,720 [ phone rings ] 214 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,600 merry christmas. lifesavers. how may we help you ? 215 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,520 hello ? hello ? hello ? 216 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,920 [ static crackling ] hello ? static again. 217 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,320 hello ? hello ? hello ? 218 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:46,120 i can't hear you. try clicking the little button. i'm having a problem hearing. 219 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,960 look, i'm at the end of my rope, and i want to die. 220 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,360 click it. click it, please. 221 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,280 go ahead. [ gunshot ] 222 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,200 [ groans ] 223 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,520 hmm. we were disconnected. 224 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,360 if a person's really upset, they always call back. 225 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,040 [ dial tone ] it's working. 226 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,280 # oh, what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh # 227 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:22,600 [ blows raspberry ] # jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way # 228 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,960 # oh, so much fun it is to ride in open-horse open # help ! 229 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,840 help ! hey ! * [ indistinct singing ] 230 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,200 # i like eating cheese it tastes very nice # help ! help ! 231 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,080 i'm stuck up here ! # everyone loves cheese especially white mice # 232 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:39,400 can't you hear me ? hey, mr. capshaw ! # jingle, jangle, jing # 233 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,800 i'm stuck up here ! * [ indistinct singing, rude noises ] 234 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,200 can't you hear me ? 235 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:49,000 # jingle, jangle, jang i like to eat stew it tastes very good # 236 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,400 * [ nonsensical singing ] 237 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,800 - * [ continues singing ] - [ munchnik ] wait ! 238 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,680 wait ! i'm up here ! 239 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,040 are you deaf ? 240 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:04,840 * [ chipmunks singing "christmas, christmas" ] 241 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:09,640 * [ chipmunks continue ] 242 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,680 * [ high-pitched note ] 243 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:27,880 * [ toy trumpet continues ] 244 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:31,720 * 245 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:38,920 * [ trumpet continues ] we could have a charity ball. 246 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,800 [ sighs ] who would i take ? 247 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,720 we could have a garage sale. 248 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,120 susan has all my old records. 249 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,040 [ groans ] oh, geez ! 250 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:52,360 [ ringing ] a call ! i'll get it ! 251 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:57,160 [ ringing continues ] 252 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,480 line one. 253 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,400 [ clears throat ] 254 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,800 hello, this is lifesavers. merry christmas. 255 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:09,160 am i disturbing you ? no, no, no, not at all. 256 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,560 i'm very lonely tonight. 257 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,440 is there any chance i could stop by and talk ? 258 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:19,240 well, it's not in the rules, but if you are willing to make a donation-- say, five grand-- 259 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,640 [ gasps ] i'm kidding ! 260 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,040 everyone makes fun of me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. 261 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,400 please, can't i come by ? i don't want to be alone. 262 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,760 no. no, no, no. we have rules, but we're listening. 263 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,640 everyone at lifesavers is with you. 264 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,560 talk to us. 265 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,440 [ caller sobbing ] i'm so alone. "so alone." 266 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,360 is there anyone in your family you can call ? 267 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,240 no, they hate me. hate you. what about church ? 268 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,600 please, can't i stop by ? 269 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,480 [ caller sniffling ] i'll only stay a minute. i need to see someone. 270 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,360 [ sobbing ] please, just give me the address. 271 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,760 [ continues sobbing ] 272 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,160 i cannot give out the address. 273 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,080 [ sobbing ] it's christmas. 274 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,880 [ sobbing ] 275 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,240 [ sobbing continues ] 276 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,600 it's 17 pier street ! thank you. 277 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,000 i'll be right over. [ hangs up receiver ] 278 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,800 [ sniffs, sighs ] 279 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:22,600 # on the first day of christmas my true love gave to me # 280 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,440 # a partridge in a pear tree # 281 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,840 # on the second day of christmas # 282 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,680 # my true love gave to me # hey, arnold schwarzenegger ! 283 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,600 come on, hang some tinsel. 284 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,960 dad, i hate it when you call me that. 285 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,360 [ family chanting ] arnold ! arnold ! arnold ! 286 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:46,120 arnold ! arnold ! arnold ! arnold ! arnold ! arnold ! 287 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:52,840 # on the third day of christmas my true love gave to me * 288 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,200 [ voice amplified ] testing. testing. one, two, three, four. 289 00:17:56,200 --> 00:18:01,000 help ! yoo-hoo ! 290 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,920 * [ electronic cymbals ] 291 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:04,840 hey ! 292 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,680 hey ! hey-hey ! 293 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,000 * [ drum cadence ] hey-- he-hey ! 294 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,920 yoo-hoo ! 295 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,320 * [ cadence speeds up ] hey ! 296 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:21,160 hey ! * [ cymbals, cadence continues ] 297 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,040 [ rapping ] # i'm stuck in the elevator # 298 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,440 * [ cymbals clanging ] hey ! 299 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,320 * [ cadence continues ] # i'm stuck in the elevator get me please # 300 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,240 ? # come to get me on christmas eve ? 301 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,640 ? # mrs. munchnik sittin' here with nothin' ? 302 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,520 # hey, come to get me-- #? ? [ sobbing ] 303 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:41,800 * [ cymbals, new cadence ] oh ! god. whoa ! hey ! 304 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:46,600 # come-- now come to get me stuck in this place # 305 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,960 # get me soon or hit me in my face * 306 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,840 [ whimpers, indistinct muttering ] 307 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,240 i can't believe i did it ! 308 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,080 i broke the rule. i gave out our address. i hate it when they cry. 309 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,960 especially when the cries have those little hiccups at the end. 310 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,880 this is the worse day of my life. 311 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,280 it's the santa anas. everyone's behaving strangely. 312 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,120 what if he's a serial killer ? what if i gave our address to the seaside strangler ? 313 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,040 i don't think the seaside strangler phones first, 314 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,880 although it could be one of those details they leave out of the newspapers. 315 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,760 [ phone rings ] 316 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,680 i'll handle this. 317 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:25,960 [ ringing continues ] 318 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,200 hello, this is lifesavers. merry christmas. how may i help you ? 319 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:36,040 [ man ] hello. i'm calling you because this is my last christmas. 320 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,440 "your last christmas." continue. 321 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,800 i have leukemia. i have only two months to live. 322 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,120 hello ? 323 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,000 leukemia. i'm so sorry, sir. 324 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,920 may i speak to a woman ? 325 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,800 may i wish a woman merry christmas ? 326 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,640 absolutely. and may i say that i admire your courage. 327 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,040 all of us here do. here is my colleague. 328 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,880 hello. merry christmas, if it's all right to say that. 329 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,280 [ caller ] what's your name ? catherine. 330 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,600 i want to do it to you. i want to stick it in you right now ! 331 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,000 did he say, "stick it in" ? oh, i'm reaming and ramming ! 332 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,880 [ caller panting ] oh, you love it ! stop it, right this minute ! 333 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,800 we can't have that sort of thing ! [ humming, making noise ] 334 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,680 put the slut back on ! [ doorbell buzzing ] 335 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:25,480 [ man's voice ] dog haters, that awful woman is stuck in the elevator. 336 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,320 stuck. i hope forever. [ munchnik shouting ] i'm stuck ! 337 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,240 [ gasps ] we're coming, mrs. munchnik ! 338 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,160 [ man ] i hope it takes them years to get you out. 339 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,520 it'll serve you right for reporting daisy to the landlord. 340 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,360 she practically gave me rabies ! you don't "practically" get rabies. 341 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,720 you either get rabies or you don't get rabies. there's no in between. 342 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,120 [ phone ringing ] i'll get that ! 343 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,000 [ philip ] what seems to be the problem ? i'm sure i don't know. 344 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,840 i am a trained mechanic, and i would happily fix any elevator... 345 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,240 that didn't have a dog hater stuck in it ! 346 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,640 i'll check the circuit breaker box. 347 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,040 well, who was that ? another basket case ? 348 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,440 that was your dead husband's sister. 349 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,320 they're starting dinner without you. lucky them ! 350 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,200 [ catherine ] i'm calling the landlord. don't think i don't know... 351 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,520 what's really going on between you and those dogs ! 352 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,880 stanley, if you could just come over, please. i can't. 353 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,280 please, stanley ? she can't spend christmas in an elevator. i can't ! 354 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,200 in a couple of hours. thank you. 355 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,120 [ rings ] hello. lifesavers. 356 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,040 catherine. oh, hi, gracie. 357 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,400 finally, you're off the phone. don't you ever stop yakking ? 358 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,800 we're supposed to talk on the phone. that's why we're here. 359 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,200 yes. right. is something wrong ? 360 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,600 you've got to let me spend the night at your place. 361 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,000 felix is acting totally irrational. 362 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:41,800 he ran off in my santa suit, which i could have sold today. what ? 363 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:45,640 it's not the fuse box. of course it's not the fuse box ! 364 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,040 it is a short inside. 365 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,440 i saw an electrician fix it last week. 366 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:54,280 all you need is a screwdriver, and i will tell you what to do. 367 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,680 i think there's one in the earthquake kit. 368 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,600 catherine ! 369 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,480 hold on a second, gracie ! what is it, philip ? 370 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,360 would you get the screwdriver out of the earthquake kit ? oh. 371 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,240 wait, wait, wait ! do you really think we ought to use it ? 372 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,080 suppose we take it out and forget to put it back and then the big one comes ? 373 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,960 there's a law that all businesses, even nonprofit, 374 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,360 have to have complete earthquake kits. get it ! 375 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,240 i'll get it ! 376 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,600 come here first, and i'll take you over to mother's. she'll be terrified if you ring the bell. 377 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,960 why ? is she gonna think i'm the seaside strangler ? 378 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,800 she is a little nervous. does she fit the descriptions of the victims ? 379 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,680 uh, not really. for me ? then why is she carrying on ? 380 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:37,000 there he is. i'm never speaking to him again, even if he begs. gracie ? 381 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,880 gracie ? gracie ? [ felix ] gracie ! yoo-hoo ! 382 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,280 gracie ! 383 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,680 honey, come on ! come home. come back to me. 384 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:49,480 i'll get a regular job. you had a regular job making pizza and you messed it up. 385 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,840 the manager hated me. you never showed up on time ! 386 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:58,120 i'm a wall artist ! you're a wall artist with no wall, which makes you a nothing ! 387 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,040 yeah, you tell him, lady. he ruined our tree. 388 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,400 shut up ! you're both materialistic idiots ! 389 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,800 yeah ! hey ! [ grunting ] 390 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,720 hold on. 391 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,400 it's pajamas. ah. 392 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,280 i knitted them. 393 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,640 thank you. everyone's always giving the bride things to wear to bed, 394 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,520 but no one ever gives the groom anything. 395 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,880 the thing is, i'm never getting married. 396 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,760 of course you are. you're getting married in four months. 397 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,640 be patient. everything comes to him who waits. 398 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,560 i don't really believe that. 399 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,920 i've been saying things like that for so long, they just pop out. 400 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,320 but the truth is nothing comes to him who waits. 401 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:58,600 [ phone ringing ] 402 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,480 merry christmas. lifesavers. 403 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,360 hello. i'm so upset. i'm listening. 404 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:08,680 i was in the supermarket and everyone was buying big turkeys, 405 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,520 and i was standing in the ten-items-and-under line with a chicken breast. 406 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,440 i know. 407 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:19,720 i suddenly realized i was going to be in the ten-items-and-under line the rest of my life. 408 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,600 [ sighs ] 409 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,520 i know. 410 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,880 [ sobbing ] are you all right ? 411 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:31,720 [ sobbing ] catherine, what's wrong ? 412 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,560 - [ continues crying ] - let me handle this. 413 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,400 [ sobbing ] 414 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,320 may i help you ? is she all right ? 415 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,240 she'll be all right. she's just so sympathetic. 416 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,640 may i put you on hold while i run to my desk ? 417 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,560 you're not calling from a bridge or holding a weapon ? 418 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,480 no. good. 419 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,840 [ sobbing ] 420 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:58,600 # have yourself a merry little christmas # 421 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,000 catherine o'shaughnessy, get a grip on yourself. 422 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,360 okay, so the only present you got is from your mother. 423 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:08,680 so ? you have nothing to do on new year's eve for the tenth consecutive year. 424 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:12,520 you're a very lucky person. you have a wonderful job and-- 425 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,840 you have a wonderful job. so there. so there ! 426 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:21,160 # have yourself a merry little christmas # 427 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:24,040 # now * 428 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:28,840 [ philip ] well, just remember that in every pothole there is hope. 429 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:34,120 well, you see, pothole is spelled p-o-t-h-o-l-e. 430 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:37,960 so if you take the "p" and add it to the "h," the "o" and the "e"... 431 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,360 and rearrange the letters, or contrariwise, 432 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,680 remove the "o," "t" and "l," you get "hope." 433 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,600 so, just remember, 434 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,520 "in every pothole there is hope." 435 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:52,840 now, thank you for calling and call again any time. 436 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,680 are you feeling better ? 437 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,080 in every pothole there is hope. 438 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,920 my father used to say that to me. i remember. 439 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,760 he said it to me only a day or two before he walked out the door and was run over.... 440 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,680 by a truck full of mixed nuts. truck full of mixed nuts. 441 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,040 oh, i have something for you. 442 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:22,120 merry christmas, catherine. oh, philip ! 443 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,040 - thank you ! - [ gasps ] 444 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,920 fruit of the month club. for three months. 445 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:40,840 first you get apples, then you get oranges, then you get pears. 446 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,760 i'll take that wrapping. it's okay. i save the wrapping. 447 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,640 i save it too. i make ornaments. 448 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,040 i paid for it ! give it to me ! give it to me. 449 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,960 give it to me. 450 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:55,240 philip, what's this ? this is an eviction notice. 451 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,640 this says we have to be out of the building by the end of the year. 452 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,040 oh, my gosh ! oh, my gosh ! 453 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:02,440 oh, my gosh ! it's christmas ! i didn't want to upset you ! 454 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:04,840 we have to move ! we have to find someplace ! 455 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:08,200 we don't have any money. philip, you can solve this. i know you can. 456 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,600 when the city of los angeles was going to chop down healthy elm trees... 457 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,480 just in case they got dutch elm disease, you handcuffed yourself to a tree-- 458 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,360 and called the newspaper ! i'll call the newspaper ! 459 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,680 two weeks from now i'll be home, unemployed, with my royal riviera pears. 460 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:24,520 may i have the number of the los angelestimes ? i'm gonna pray for a miracle. 461 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,440 thank you. 462 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:32,200 [ munchnik ] hey, dickheads ! i'm coming, mrs. munchnik ! 463 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,560 don't tell her anything ! get me out of this elevator ! 464 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,960 [ woman's voice ] you have reached the los angelestimes. 465 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,320 if you would like to order a subscription, please press one. 466 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,680 if your newspaper did not arrive this morning, press two. 467 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,040 if you would like to place a classified ad, press three. 468 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:52,360 if you would like to speak to the editorial desk, city desk, national desk, 469 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:56,200 international desk, sports desk, metro, view or calendar sections, 470 00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,080 press the first three letters of the desk you desire... 471 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,440 followed by the star key in the case of the first three, 472 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,800 or the pound key in the case of the latter five. [ munchnik ] help ! 473 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,200 i'm coming ! i'm coming ! 474 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:16,120 here you go. i'll just pull you through the roof. i got ya, i got ya. 475 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:19,480 - [ gasping ] - i called the landlord. he'll be here in two hours. 476 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:22,360 i can't wait two hours ! i have to go to the bathroom ! 477 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,600 just hang on. we'll have you out in a minute. i can't hold it ! hurry up ! 478 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:36,280 oh, my god ! oh, my god ! [ screaming ] 479 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,160 [ screaming ] 480 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:42,040 [ screaming ] 481 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:46,360 - [ catherine ] philip, are you all right ? - do i look like i'm all right ? 482 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,720 i'm slipping ! i'm going to crash ! hold onto my wrist ! 483 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:53,560 you're hurting my wrist. bring the elevator back ! bring it back ! 484 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:55,960 [ philip ] you have two innocent people up here dangling ! 485 00:28:55,960 --> 00:29:00,280 [ munchnik ] who's down there ? whoever you are, stop on four ! 486 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:04,120 no, three ! three ! stop on three, not four ! 487 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,000 gracie, come on ! where you goin' ? 488 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:10,360 [ munchnik screaming ] it's coming back ! we're gonna be crushed ! 489 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:13,240 do you have anything to say to susan ? any last words ? 490 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,120 she broke up with me ! 491 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,520 [ gasping, tapping feet ] 492 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:23,800 [ munchnik shouting ] push stop ! push the red button ! 493 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:28,600 what red button ? is someone talkin' to me ? i'm talkin' to you ! 494 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,480 h-help. help ! push the red button ! don't you hear me ? 495 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:34,360 [ philip shouting ] god, help ! we're gonna die ! we're gonna die ! 496 00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:36,280 we're dead ! i knew it ! [ hysterical crying ] 497 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:38,680 please save us ! oh, my god ! oh, my god ! 498 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,560 [ screaming ] no ! no ! no ! 499 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,840 ah, gracie, come on ! come on, honey ! 500 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,680 i promise i'll be a good guy. i'll even give you the santa suit back. 501 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,080 - i have to pee ! help ! - here it is. 502 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:55,000 i'm taking off the goofy boot things. let me in ! 503 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:57,400 are you okay ? [ gasps ] oh, please ! 504 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:00,760 put your clothes on, felix. open this door now ! 505 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:04,600 [ philip ] we have an employee who desperately needs to get in. [ all grunting ] 506 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:16,120 let me in right now ! oh ! i'm in agony ! 507 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,000 what is wrong with you ? 508 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:24,760 [ hysterical screaming, sobbing ] 509 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:31,480 young lady, this restroom is property of lifesavers ! 510 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:35,320 - you let me-- [ screaming ] - calm down. my god. 511 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:37,240 you don't have to get so excited. please come home. 512 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:40,120 i'm never coming back ! felix, would you please get dressed ? 513 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:42,520 do you know these people ? yes. gracie, this is philip. 514 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,440 felix, philip. hi. yeah, we met. 515 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,360 we have ? yeah, when you crashed into the tree. 516 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,720 youcrashed into the tree. yeah, so we met. 517 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,120 and this is mrs. munchnik. [ urinating ] 518 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,480 oh, hello. [ continues urinating ] 519 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,360 [ urinating continues ] well... 520 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:00,760 you two had better make up before that baby comes. 521 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:05,080 well, i have two months to think about it, okay ? don't be ridiculous. 522 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,960 - you're going to drop any day. - it does look large. 523 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:11,320 of course. it's mine. i just got out of prison seven months ago. 524 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:15,160 and you're the only person who could be the father ? what ? 525 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,560 excuse me ? is it true ? 526 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,440 is what true ? what she said. is it true ? 527 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,360 i'm a slut now, felix ? who's the father ? 528 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,280 hey, hey, hey, hey, no ! this is what i'm talking about ! 529 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,640 wait a minute ! this is a nonprofit organization ! [ gracie, felix yelling ] 530 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:31,000 there are laws against this ! felix, you're a maniac ! 531 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:37,240 oh, gracie, look what you did. 532 00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:39,160 he's bleeding ! 533 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:45,880 [ chuckles ] hello, evelyn ? yes, i'm finally out. 534 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,240 felix will need stitches. we'll have to take him to the hospital. 535 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,560 who's gonna pay for it ? we can't even afford to have our baby in a hospital. 536 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:55,960 i know. we'll take him to the vet. dr. kinsky will help us. 537 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:59,320 [ munchnik ] yes, i'll be there in just a few minutes. 538 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,240 [ clears throats ] just a minute. 539 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:05,080 what is it ? you'll have to stay and cover the phones while we're out. 540 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:08,920 i'm going to have to stay and cover the phone-- they want me to stay longer. 541 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:12,280 is that incredible ? mrs. munchnik, you have driven this man into a frenzy. 542 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:14,200 it was like lighting dry leaves with a match ! 543 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,080 you have a responsibility. they're making me feel guilty. 544 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:22,360 i will be at your house sometime before next christmas ! but that's all i have to say. 545 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:25,240 thank you. are you coming, gracie ? you're okay. 546 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:29,080 no way. [ philip ] just relax, felix. you'll like dr. kinsky. 547 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:32,920 he's not just a friend, he put my dog to sleep. 548 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:36,760 [ philip groaning ] [ liquid bubbling ] 549 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:41,080 [ blowing bubbles ] 550 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,320 [ bubbling continues ] 551 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:51,640 if you go into labor or anything along those lines, 552 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,040 just don't expect any help from me. 553 00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:55,960 i am not a midwife. 554 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:58,360 i never expect help. 555 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,680 [ philip ] dr. kinsky's an expert on potbelly pigs. 556 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:06,520 you ought to get one, catherine. you can house train them, and they can find fungi. 557 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:10,360 if they get in bed with you, they stick their nose under the covers and root. 558 00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:12,280 i hate pigs. how can you hate pigs ? 559 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:16,120 they have those cute little, curly tails. i hate their cute tails. 560 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,520 # hello, catherine * 561 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,920 hello, louie. i was just coming upstairs to see you. 562 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,840 i got a present for you. something... 563 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:27,160 * # personal * 564 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:29,560 i'll be right back. we're just taking this man to the vet. 565 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,480 is he rabid ? [ philip ] hardly. 566 00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:33,880 he's simply a poor, unemployed person in a bad relationship. 567 00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:36,280 that's what they said about old yeller. [ giggles ] 568 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:39,160 i'll see you later, louie. 569 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:44,440 # i'll be waiting * 570 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:55,000 * [ humming "we wish you a merry christmas" ] 571 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:57,880 [ sighs ] 572 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:03,640 * [ continues humming ] 573 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:08,920 can i use your scissors instead of these ones ? oh, yes. 574 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:10,840 * [ continues humming ] 575 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:15,640 do you mind if i cut up your eviction notice ? that would be just fine. 576 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,040 [ sighs ] do you have any tape ? 577 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,920 i think there's some in that drawer. * [ continues humming ] 578 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:23,800 wait a minute. wait a minute ! oh, my g-- 579 00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:27,160 oh, that philip ! [ gasps ] 580 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:30,520 how dare he not tell anyone ! he is going to pay for this ! 581 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,360 he is going to pay for this or my name is not... 582 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:37,240 blanche munchnik ! 583 00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:39,640 * [ continues humming ] 584 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:44,440 * [ cats mewing, dogs barking "we wish you a merry christmas" ] 585 00:34:49,240 --> 00:34:51,640 here, lie down. 586 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,040 [ rings bell ] dr. kinsky ? [ dog barking ] 587 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:55,960 hello ? 588 00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:57,880 [ dogs barking ] 589 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,280 i'll be right back. 590 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,160 is anyone here ? marshall ? 591 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:06,520 dr. kinsky ? merry christmas. what ? oh ! 592 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:08,440 hi, philip. i can't talk. i'm in a rush. 593 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:10,840 we got a problem. you gotta help. i can't. i gotta go. 594 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,720 felix is bleeding like crazy. he was hit in the head with a fruitcake. 595 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:16,600 how'd that happen ? lovers' quarrel. 596 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:19,000 philip, please, don't go anthropomorphic on me. 597 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,880 i'm up to my eyeballs in people that think that animals have feelings. 598 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:25,240 - i don't think you understand. - come on, i'll help you. i'll take care of it. 599 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:27,640 just do me a favor. spare me the melodrama. 600 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:30,520 take felix out of his box, put him in here. 601 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,920 i'll be right back. take felix out of his box. 602 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:35,800 hi, pepper, ginger, vinny, duke, scotty, billy. [ all bark ] 603 00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:40,120 hi. hi, hi. i'm running late. 604 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,520 what is it now ? a cat with a concussion. 605 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,880 that's the way it's always going to be, isn't it ? the animals always come first ! 606 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:48,280 well, merry christmas ! not that you even celebrate it ! 607 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:51,640 w-w-wait ! wait ! no, wait ! hey ! oh ! 608 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,560 [ dog barking ] 609 00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:57,400 a person named felix. 610 00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,280 before there were cats named felix, there were people named felix. 611 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:03,160 you'll find, if you look that up, the opposite is true. 612 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,040 hi, pancho. hi, little pancho. 613 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,440 you don't have to worry. you don't have a dream. 614 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,840 all you want is food and love. it's all i want. 615 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:12,760 i want to be a wall artist. 616 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:14,680 you can make people happy by chasing a stick. 617 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:18,520 i have to raise $5,000 or i'm going to hurt two people i care about. 618 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,920 i care about gracie. i care about vanessa. 619 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:24,280 i care about catherine and mrs. munchnik. what about susan ? 620 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,200 susan's gone. gracie's gone. 621 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:28,600 vanessa's gone. give up women, pancho. 622 00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,480 - tomorrow he will. - ooh, that's gotta hurt. 623 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:34,360 oh, no. once he takes a couple of these, he won't know what hit him. 624 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:38,200 we never know what hits us, then one day we're talking in falsetto. 625 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:42,040 stay. let me ask you something. 626 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:45,400 how many pillows does susan have on her bed ? about 12. 627 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,720 see ? what is it with women and pillows ? how many do you need ? 628 00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:53,080 how many do you need ? two ! one for you and one for her ! 629 00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:57,880 yeah. vanessa has all these pillows ! 630 00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:00,280 she's got round ones. she's got heart-shaped ones. 631 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:04,600 she's got-- she's got those pillows with the... stuff around the edges. 632 00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,520 - ruffles ? - yeah. 633 00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:08,920 so you want to go to bed, you gotta take all the pillows off ! 634 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:11,320 then in the morning, you gotta put them all back on ! 635 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:13,720 what is the point ? marshall ! 636 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:16,120 lifesavers is about to go under. i don't care about pillows ! 637 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:19,480 [ clattering ] 638 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:21,400 what's wrong with him ? oh, my god ! 639 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:24,280 come on. come on ! get up ! get up ! felix ! felix ! felix ! 640 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:26,680 what happened ? he took an overdose of dog tranquilizers ! 641 00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:28,120 oh, my gosh, felix ! 642 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,480 get him up ! get outta the way ! walk him around. 643 00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:34,360 keep him moving ! keep moving ! how can you be friends with these people ? 644 00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:38,200 i beg your pardon, philip. where did you find them ? 645 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:41,080 i met gracie at an adult children of alcoholics meeting. 646 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:43,000 was your mother an alcoholic ? no. 647 00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:44,920 was your father ? no. 648 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:46,840 i went because someone told me it was a good place to meet men. 649 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:52,120 of course, i didn't meet a man. i met gracie, though, and she breaks my heart. 650 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,480 and because i care about her, i care about felix. 651 00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:59,320 i'm not like you, philip. i'm not one of those people who's only good on the phone. 652 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:03,640 that's not true. i'm good in person. in person, you blame everyone. 653 00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:07,960 you did something wrong. you gave out our address. did i blame you ? 654 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:11,320 no. i blamed the santa anas. 655 00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:14,200 [ whimpering ] i don't even know what the santa anas are. 656 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:18,040 - they're dry winds from the desert that blow-- - oh, shut up. [ gasps ] 657 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:20,440 [ water sloshing ] 658 00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:22,360 don't just stand there. call an ambulance. 659 00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:25,240 that's something you'll be good at. [ felix gasping ] 660 00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:29,080 i'm glad that we're not working together. i'm glad this is our last week ! 661 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:34,360 felix, if gracie had any idea what you've done, she would be devastated. 662 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,720 [ phone ringing ] oh, that's probably felix. 663 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:43,000 well, i can assure you, if you think your husband is having an affair, he is ! 664 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:46,360 [ ringing continues ] he says, "i'm in my office, honey, eating chinese food." 665 00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:49,720 i don't care if he's dying. i'm not gonna answer it. [ ringing continues ] 666 00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:52,120 read his mail. read it ! 667 00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:56,440 that's the delightful way i found out that i'm about to be jobless. 668 00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,360 you're kidding. that's right. 669 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,280 [ ringing continues ] [ sighs ] fine. 670 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,200 hello ? 671 00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:05,080 [ obscene caller ] how can i do it to you, baby, if you hang up on me ? 672 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,000 what ? who's this ? 673 00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,880 is this catherine ? no, this isn't catherine. 674 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,280 merry christmas to you too. oh, you're new ! 675 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:15,160 who are you ? my name is gracie. 676 00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,040 gracie, i want to write your name in cheese. 677 00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,920 [ panting ] i want to bark like a dog ! 678 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:25,720 you are a disgusting, sleazy, perverted pig ! excuse me ! 679 00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:28,120 um, i'm sorry. may i help you ? 680 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,000 the person you were just speaking with has not taken... 681 00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:34,360 the lifesavers training program. shut up, grandma ! 682 00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,760 oh. i'm not busting your cherry ! 683 00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:40,600 oh, i'm... simply crushed. 684 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:43,000 here i've waited my whole life for you... 685 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,400 and now you don't even want me. 686 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,800 do go on. 687 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,160 i believe you were discussing my cherry. 688 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:53,080 [ dial tone ] 689 00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:56,920 i am so good at this, and soon i will be left high and dry... 690 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:59,800 with no outlet for my talent. 691 00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:02,200 i have to pee. 692 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:05,080 have you ever been pregnant ? no, i have not. 693 00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,960 listen, young lady, when you come out... 694 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:12,280 do not answer the phone under any circumstances. 695 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:16,120 do not answer the door under any circumstances... 696 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,520 because it could be the seaside strangler, 697 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:23,320 and he'll take fishing twine and wrap it around your neck and your face will turn blue. 698 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,200 then your eyes will bulge out, and then he'll knock you down... 699 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,600 and hike up your skirt and bang you ! 700 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,520 very funny ! very funny, young lady ! 701 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:35,800 no one comes here. this is an unlisted address. [ doorbell buzzes ] 702 00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,680 hello ? hello, who is there ? 703 00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:43,000 [ gasps ] it's the seaside strangler. 704 00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:46,360 whoever you are, you are not supposed to be here. [ doorbell buzzes ] 705 00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:50,200 oh, who is it ? answer me ! 706 00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:55,000 do you have something to hide ? did you do that ? [ electrical sparking ] 707 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:59,320 did you turn out the lights or is it just this stupid building ? 708 00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:01,240 are you the seaside strangler ? 709 00:41:01,240 --> 00:41:06,520 listen, mr. seaside strangler, i am calling the police, i am getting the reward... 710 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:11,800 and you will go to a maximum security prison where a very large, hairy man... 711 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:16,120 is going to make you his girlfriend. 712 00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:20,920 i am not your type. i am short. 713 00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:24,760 and my hair is short. i am attractive. 714 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,160 i suppose i fit that part of the description. 715 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:30,040 but i am not young ! i have never been young ! 716 00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:33,880 although i do look-- would you knock it off ? 717 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:36,280 what would the seaside strangler want with you ? just-- shh ! no ! 718 00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:40,600 you're having a fantasy. oh, no, no ! don't ! don't ! 719 00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:45,400 [ laughs ] what a sad and horrible christmas eve. 720 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,320 i had to take the bus. 721 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,200 i stubbed my toe on the boardwalk. [ laughs, clears throat ] 722 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:53,560 - may i come in ? - sure. 723 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:04,120 is she all right ? she's fine. 724 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:07,000 oh, what beautiful beads. thanks. 725 00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,880 could you do me a favor ? i'm gonna leave. 726 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:14,680 could you put her somewhere out of the way ? i'd be happy to. 727 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:17,080 # santa, baby # 728 00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:20,920 # just slip a sable under the tree # 729 00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:23,320 # for me # 730 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:26,200 # been an awful good girl # 731 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:28,120 # santa, baby # 732 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:33,880 # so hurry down the chimney tonight # [ phone rings ] 733 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:37,240 [ ringing continues, electrical sparking ] 734 00:42:37,240 --> 00:42:42,520 # santa, baby, i forgot to mention one little thing # [ crashing, yelling ] 735 00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:45,400 [ ringing continues ] # a ring # 736 00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:50,200 # i don't mean on the phone santa, baby # [ ringing continues ] 737 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:55,480 # so hurry down the chimney tonight # [ ringing continues ] 738 00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:57,400 hello. lifesavers. may i help you ? 739 00:42:57,880 --> 00:42:59,320 [ obscene caller ] may i speak to a woman ? 740 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:03,160 may i please wish a woman merry christmas ? you are speaking to a woman. 741 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:06,520 [ dial tone ] [ sighs ] 742 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:09,400 [ electrical sparking ] 743 00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:12,760 # santa, cutie and fill my stocking # 744 00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:17,080 # with a duplex and checks # 745 00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:21,880 # sign your "x" on the line santa, cutie # 746 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:25,720 # so hurry down the chimney tonight # 747 00:43:25,720 --> 00:43:28,600 mrs. munchnik ? [ transvestite ] no. 748 00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:31,000 # hurry * [ philip ] who are you ? 749 00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:35,800 i called earlier. you gave me the address. i remember. 750 00:43:37,720 --> 00:43:40,120 i came right over. 751 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:44,920 have you seen a woman in a bad mood ? 752 00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,800 she's resting behind the couch. 753 00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:55,000 you were very good on the phone. 754 00:43:56,440 --> 00:44:00,280 on the phone. i was good on the phone. 755 00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:02,680 won't you sit down ? 756 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:09,880 my voice puts you off, doesn't it ? 757 00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:14,200 not at all. it doesn't suit me. 758 00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:17,080 in that sense, i am exactly like kissinger. 759 00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:19,480 henry kissinger ? 760 00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:24,280 haven't you noticed ? he has this odd, nasal voice and a pompous, fat body. 761 00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:27,640 must upset the russians. [ chuckles ] [ chuckles ] 762 00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:31,000 i met him once. how fascinating. 763 00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:32,920 [ electrical sparking ] 764 00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:36,280 not that he would remember me. 765 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,200 no one does. 766 00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:41,080 i'm sure that's not true. 767 00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:44,920 thank you. you're very kind. 768 00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:51,640 excuse me, i'm just going to... 769 00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:55,480 light these candles in case the, uh-- [ clears throat ] 770 00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:58,840 it was at one of those dance clubs. you know the kind. 771 00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:03,640 here today, gone tomorrow. when you look, it's gone. [ both chuckle ] 772 00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:06,040 [ sighs ] who was i with ? 773 00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:07,960 [ laughs ] i have no idea. 774 00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:10,360 when you're confused, your past is a blur. 775 00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:12,280 he wasn't dancing. 776 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:14,680 who ? 777 00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:17,080 henry kissinger. ah. 778 00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:21,880 i'm boring you, aren't i ? not in the least. 779 00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:26,200 i bore everyone. i'm sure that's not true. 780 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:30,520 i personally find you very entertaining and informative. 781 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:34,360 for example, i had no idea henry kissinger went to dance clubs. 782 00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:37,240 perhaps you could come back some other time, 783 00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:39,640 say, after the new year, 784 00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:41,560 and we could continue our chat. i wasn't dancing either. 785 00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:45,400 [ sighs, chuckles ] i have two left feet, i believe is the expression. 786 00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:50,200 ah. well, let me offer you one last piece of advice before you have to leave. 787 00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:53,560 - did you bring a coat ? - just my cape. 788 00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:55,480 ah. 789 00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:59,800 have you ever heard of the greater orange county mambo contest of 1968 ? 790 00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:05,080 well, i was scared to enter it, and yet i did. 791 00:46:05,080 --> 00:46:07,480 and i won first prize, dancing with my sister. 792 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:10,360 from that moment on, i have never worried for one second... 793 00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:13,240 about anyone's opinion, and neither should you. 794 00:46:13,720 --> 00:46:15,640 you mean... 795 00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:18,520 you wouldn't hesitate to dance, even with me ? 796 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:20,440 absolutely not. 797 00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:23,320 do you have music ? 798 00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:30,520 [ gracie ] come on, catherine. let's go to my place. 799 00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,400 [ catherine ] now ? i have something for you. 800 00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:39,160 [ gracie ] there were 14 kids in our family, 801 00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:42,040 so for christmas we each got... 802 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:45,400 one pair of socks. really ? 803 00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:49,720 plus, we never saw our mother. divide 14 into 24 and what do you get ? 804 00:46:49,720 --> 00:46:52,600 two. we each saw our mother two minutes a day. 805 00:46:52,600 --> 00:46:56,440 you mean two hours a day. no, i mean two minutes. 806 00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:00,760 [ door bells ring ] [ sighs ] 807 00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:03,160 my mother's always there. always. 808 00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:05,080 sometimes i wish she were dead. 809 00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:07,000 oh, i shouldn't say that. 810 00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:09,400 i hope you don't think i'm a terrible person. no. 811 00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:12,280 suppose she dies now and it's all my fault ? 812 00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:14,200 close your eyes. 813 00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:19,000 open 'em. 814 00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:25,720 [ sighs ] 815 00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:28,600 i-is that me ? 816 00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:31,000 oh, my goodness. 817 00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:32,920 oh, gracie. 818 00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:36,280 you're so talented. 819 00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:38,200 [ sighs ] 820 00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:43,000 i have spent my whole life trying to make something out of nothing. 821 00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:45,400 don't take that personally, catherine. 822 00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:49,720 but just once i'd like to have something to begin with. 823 00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:56,440 christmas is such a powerful time, isn't it ? 824 00:47:56,920 --> 00:47:58,840 gracie, let's make a wish. 825 00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:01,240 hold my hand and we'll make a christmas wish. 826 00:48:01,240 --> 00:48:03,640 really. i mean it. 827 00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:07,480 i'll go first so you won't be embarrassed. okay. 828 00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:09,880 it's hard to do this because if you say your wish out loud... 829 00:48:09,880 --> 00:48:12,280 and it doesn't come true, it's so much worse. 830 00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:15,160 but here we go. 831 00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:17,080 i wish... 832 00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:21,400 there were someone i cared for who cared for me. 833 00:48:21,880 --> 00:48:26,200 there. i said it. your turn. 834 00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:31,960 i wish for my baby to have a better life. 835 00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:34,840 love. money. 836 00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:36,760 [ sighs ] 837 00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:40,600 i should probably get back to the office. wait a second. 838 00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:44,440 let's get some chinese food on the way, okay ? okay. 839 00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:50,200 * 840 00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:53,560 [ "what are you doing new year's eve" playing ] 841 00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:57,400 # my, my, my, my # 842 00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:03,640 # maybe it's much too early in the game # 843 00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:09,400 # oh, but i thought i'd ask you just the same # 844 00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:15,640 # what are you doing new year's # 845 00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:17,560 i don't think-- 846 00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:22,840 # new year's eve # 847 00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:24,760 # whoa # 848 00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,160 # i wonder whose arms # 849 00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:31,480 # will hold you good and tight # 850 00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:38,200 # when it's exactly 12:00 at night # 851 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:43,960 # welcoming in the new year # 852 00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:48,760 # new year's eve # 853 00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:52,600 is it making you nervous to dance with me ? i'm not nervous at all. 854 00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:55,480 # maybe i'm crazy # 855 00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:58,360 # to suppose # 856 00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:02,200 # i'd ever be # 857 00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:06,520 # the one you chose # 858 00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:09,400 # out of a thousand # 859 00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:12,280 # invitations # 860 00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,640 # you've received # dancing with you... 861 00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:18,040 makes me feel all fluffy, 862 00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,920 like i was dancing on a cloud. 863 00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:23,800 * [ continues ] 864 00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:25,720 in my work, i deal with all kinds of people. 865 00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:29,560 none of them are what you might call conventional, and neither am i. 866 00:50:29,560 --> 00:50:32,920 * 867 00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:39,160 # what are you doing new year's # 868 00:50:39,160 --> 00:50:46,360 # new year's eve # 869 00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:49,720 # shoo-bop, shoo-bop ooh # 870 00:50:49,720 --> 00:50:52,120 * you're a marvelous dancer. 871 00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:54,520 thank you. 872 00:50:55,000 --> 00:51:06,520 * 873 00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:16,600 * 874 00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:18,520 philip ? [ gasps ] 875 00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:21,400 [ gasps, turns off music ] 876 00:51:21,880 --> 00:51:24,760 this is shocking. completely shocking. i am suing you. 877 00:51:25,240 --> 00:51:27,160 do you hear ? for what ? 878 00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:32,920 withholding information, psychic stress, stupidity... 879 00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:36,760 [ inhales deeply ] and obviously improper office behavior. 880 00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:39,160 mrs. munchnik-- i am calling the los angelestimes. 881 00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:42,520 i am calling the los angelestimes ! they'll do a hatchet job. 882 00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:44,920 they're going to do a puff piece on us ! 883 00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:48,280 i may be temporarily jobless thanks to you. 884 00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:50,680 but you will be jobless forever. i will see to that ! 885 00:51:59,320 --> 00:52:02,200 i was only trying to be kind. i thought i could figure out a way. 886 00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:04,120 we only need $5,000 to tide us over. 887 00:52:04,120 --> 00:52:07,480 that is practically your annual salary. you are a failure. 888 00:52:07,480 --> 00:52:10,840 i will see to it that you stay that way ! mrs. munchnik, please. 889 00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:13,240 i suppose catherine knew about this. 890 00:52:13,240 --> 00:52:15,640 i suppose she was in cahoots. 891 00:52:15,640 --> 00:52:19,480 that catherine. she is the most devious woman i have ever met. 892 00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:23,320 catherine is the kindest, most gentle creature on the face of the earth. 893 00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:27,640 catherine wants to rip your clothes off, philip. 894 00:52:27,640 --> 00:52:30,040 she does ? 895 00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:33,400 under that mousy exterior lies smoldering lust. 896 00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,760 really ? 897 00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:41,560 catherine isn't speaking to me right now. i'm not surprised. 898 00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:43,960 before she wasn't speaking to me, she said she would pray for a miracle. 899 00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:46,360 that is pathetic. 900 00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:50,200 do not walk me to my car. stay right there. 901 00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:54,520 merry christmas. 902 00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:56,440 merry christmas. 903 00:52:56,920 --> 00:53:00,280 and say hello to your dead sister's husband for me. 904 00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:05,080 my dead husband's sister, if you don't mind. 905 00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:10,440 [ sighs ] 906 00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:17,160 [ engine chugs, stops ] 907 00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:21,960 [ engine chugs slowly, stops ] 908 00:53:21,960 --> 00:53:24,360 [ chugging slower, stops ] 909 00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:34,920 # new year's eve # 910 00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:37,800 # new year's # 911 00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,720 # eve # [ screams ] 912 00:53:39,720 --> 00:53:41,640 are you crazy ? are you insane ? 913 00:53:41,640 --> 00:53:44,520 * [ continues ] all i do all day is deal with nuts like you ! 914 00:53:44,520 --> 00:53:49,320 * 915 00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:53,160 oh, my god ! catherine was right. in person, i'm a disaster ! 916 00:53:54,600 --> 00:53:58,920 i am so sorry. i really didn't mean it. 917 00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:02,760 please. no apology is necessary. 918 00:54:02,760 --> 00:54:04,680 i understand completely. 919 00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:07,560 [ sighs ] 920 00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:10,440 good-bye. 921 00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:14,280 [ sighs ] 922 00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:32,040 when is the automobile club coming ? in a half hour. 923 00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:34,440 oh. i used to be in the automobile club, 924 00:54:34,440 --> 00:54:37,800 but they found out i didn't have a car, so they kicked me out. 925 00:54:37,800 --> 00:54:40,200 they're a little uptight over there. catherine. 926 00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:43,560 catherine, my goodness, what have you done to yourself ? 927 00:54:43,560 --> 00:54:45,960 you've lost your identity. i have not. 928 00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:48,840 i'm hungry. i'm gonna die. are you about to eat ? 929 00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:51,720 yes. allow me to contribute a fruitcake. 930 00:54:51,720 --> 00:54:54,600 be sure you serve it to that male colleague you so admire... 931 00:54:54,600 --> 00:54:57,960 who is upstairs at this moment dancing with a strumpet... 932 00:54:57,960 --> 00:55:00,360 while lifesavers goes up in smoke. [ gracie ] catherine, 933 00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:02,760 our food's getting cold. is it susan ? 934 00:55:02,760 --> 00:55:04,680 is susan with him ? [ laughs ] hardly. 935 00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:07,560 catherine, you look cool. thank you, louie. 936 00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:12,360 i was wondering if i could sing my song for you now ? i'd like nothing more. 937 00:55:12,360 --> 00:55:15,720 [ door opens ] [ sighs ] 938 00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:26,280 catherine, is that... you ? 939 00:55:26,280 --> 00:55:29,160 [ gracie ] oh, i'm gonna do you too, philip, 940 00:55:29,160 --> 00:55:31,560 because you and catherine do not go together anymore. 941 00:55:31,560 --> 00:55:33,480 [ catherine ] philip and i have never gone together. 942 00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:37,320 you weren't together, but you definitely matched. 943 00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:39,720 come on, philip, get up. 944 00:55:39,720 --> 00:55:42,120 what about me ? i want to match too. listen, i'll get to you... 945 00:55:42,120 --> 00:55:44,040 in a second, okay ? what's he doing here ? 946 00:55:44,040 --> 00:55:46,920 # hello * 947 00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:49,320 i invited him. don't you have someone here yourself ? 948 00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:54,120 - i most certainly do not ! - [ scoffs ] someone left her cape. 949 00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:57,960 - someone lefthiscape. - really, philip. 950 00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:05,640 [ departing footsteps ] 951 00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:08,040 [ sighs ] 952 00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:11,400 where is felix ? oh, right. he's at the hospital. 953 00:56:11,400 --> 00:56:17,160 # felix is in the hospital * 954 00:56:17,640 --> 00:56:19,560 [ p.a. system ] dr. blair. dr. blair. 955 00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:22,920 dr. jay hamilton. dr. jay hamilton. 956 00:56:22,920 --> 00:56:25,800 60 by pal. ten dopamine drip. 957 00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:27,720 okay, as soon as we get into the unit. 958 00:56:27,720 --> 00:56:29,640 okay. i'll get a 12-lead. let's go ! 959 00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:32,520 does he have any family ? 960 00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:44,520 [ muttering ] 961 00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:51,720 * [ ukulele strumming ] 962 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:57,960 # to catherine # 963 00:56:58,440 --> 00:57:01,800 # i wonder whether your name # 964 00:57:01,800 --> 00:57:06,120 # starts with a "c" or a "k" # 965 00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:08,040 # i wonder whether you prefer # 966 00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:11,400 # almond joy to milky way # 967 00:57:11,400 --> 00:57:14,280 # i wonder whether you sleep # 968 00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:17,160 # to the left or to the right # 969 00:57:17,160 --> 00:57:19,560 # i wonder who you think would win # 970 00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:22,920 ? # if me and philip got into a fight ? 971 00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:27,720 # oh, so many things for me to wonder # 972 00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:32,520 # so very pretty # 973 00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:36,360 # i wonder when elliot said good-bye to e.t. # 974 00:57:36,360 --> 00:57:39,720 # did you break down and cry # 975 00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:43,080 # i wonder if i gave you pudding, eggs and flour # 976 00:57:43,080 --> 00:57:46,920 # could you make a boston cream pie # 977 00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:50,280 ? # i wonder if your eyes close ? 978 00:57:50,280 --> 00:57:54,600 ? # when you come in for a kiss ? 979 00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:57,480 # i wonder if we had a baby # 980 00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:01,320 # would you object to having abris # 981 00:58:01,320 --> 00:58:06,120 # oh, so many things for me to wonder # 982 00:58:06,600 --> 00:58:11,880 # oh, i love grape jelly # # [ gasps ] 983 00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:15,240 that's it ? 984 00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:19,080 it's a work in progress. it may never be finished. 985 00:58:19,080 --> 00:58:21,000 oh, louie. 986 00:58:21,000 --> 00:58:23,880 [ catherine continues clapping, sighs ] 987 00:58:25,320 --> 00:58:27,720 that was so sweet of you, louie. 988 00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:30,120 if it's not too much to ask, would you mind passing the chow mein ? 989 00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:33,960 no one ever wrote a song for me before. 990 00:58:33,960 --> 00:58:37,320 i can't believe it. who ate all the water chestnuts ? 991 00:58:37,320 --> 00:58:40,680 i wrote it longhand. where are the water chestnuts ? 992 00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:43,560 it took me eight months. i had to quit my job. 993 00:58:44,040 --> 00:58:46,920 presents that you make yourself are always the most special. 994 00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:49,800 don't you think ? where did this fruitcake come from ? 995 00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:52,200 that weird lady gave it to us. 996 00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:57,960 what ingratitude ! i give her a gift from the bottom of my heart... 997 00:58:57,960 --> 00:59:01,320 and she abandons it as if it meant nothing ! 998 00:59:02,760 --> 00:59:04,680 [ glass shattering ] 999 00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:11,400 [ whimpering ] 1000 00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:18,120 oh ! oh ! 1001 00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:22,920 oh. [ gasping ] 1002 00:59:22,920 --> 00:59:25,320 [ whimpering ] 1003 00:59:27,720 --> 00:59:31,560 [ crying ] 1004 00:59:31,560 --> 00:59:35,400 [ sobbing ] 1005 00:59:35,400 --> 00:59:39,240 look, there's the dog hater. 1006 00:59:39,240 --> 00:59:42,120 mrs. munchnik ? what ? 1007 00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:45,960 [ sniffs, sobs ] 1008 00:59:46,440 --> 00:59:50,280 mrs. munchnik, what can i do you for ? [ sobbing ] 1009 00:59:53,640 --> 00:59:58,440 [ sniffling ] what is it ? tell me. what can i do you for ? 1010 00:59:59,880 --> 01:00:01,800 [ sighs, inhales ] 1011 01:00:01,800 --> 01:00:04,680 that's just what my dead husband always used to say. 1012 01:00:04,680 --> 01:00:09,000 - what ? - "what can i do ya for ?" 1013 01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:11,400 [ sniffling continues ] 1014 01:00:11,880 --> 01:00:14,280 well, um-- [ clears throat ] 1015 01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:16,680 i'll, uh-- [ sighs ] 1016 01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:19,080 [ inhales ] 1017 01:00:19,560 --> 01:00:23,400 i'll tell you what you can "do me for," mr. lobel. 1018 01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:25,320 [ inhales ] 1019 01:00:28,200 --> 01:00:31,080 ] * [ men screaming, chattering 1020 01:00:31,560 --> 01:00:34,440 * [ screaming continues ] 1021 01:00:34,440 --> 01:00:37,320 # jingle bells, jingle bells # 1022 01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:40,200 # jingle all the way # 1023 01:00:40,200 --> 01:00:43,080 # jingle bells, jingle bells # on the beach ! on the beach ! 1024 01:00:43,560 --> 01:00:45,960 # jingle all the way # 1025 01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:50,280 # we want to wish you # [ munchnik laughing ] 1026 01:00:50,280 --> 01:00:52,200 # a merry christmas # 1027 01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:56,040 # we want to wish you # [ laughter continues ] oh, god ! 1028 01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:57,960 # a merry christmas # 1029 01:00:57,960 --> 01:01:01,800 # we want to wish you # 1030 01:01:01,800 --> 01:01:03,720 # a merry christmas # 1031 01:01:03,720 --> 01:01:08,040 # we want to wish you # [ barking ] 1032 01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:10,440 # a merry christmas * 1033 01:01:10,440 --> 01:01:12,360 i don't care what she did to you. 1034 01:01:12,360 --> 01:01:15,720 - it's dangerous to throw things out of windows. - i completely agree. 1035 01:01:16,200 --> 01:01:21,000 do you work here ? i mean, excuse me, but we are discussing office behavior. 1036 01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:24,360 since you don't work here and we do, at least for six more days, [ gasps ] 1037 01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:28,680 you cannot participate. [ phone ringing ] 1038 01:01:28,680 --> 01:01:32,040 somebody's not in the holiday mood, i guess. [ laughs, strums ] 1039 01:01:32,040 --> 01:01:35,400 hello. lifesavers. i'm listening. is this kentucky fried chicken ? 1040 01:01:35,400 --> 01:01:37,320 [ door slams shut ] 1041 01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:41,160 the crazy person is back. 1042 01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:43,080 what do you want ? do you have any breasts ? 1043 01:01:43,080 --> 01:01:45,000 i forgot my cape. 1044 01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:50,760 that's who you were dancing with ? she insults me too. 1045 01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:54,120 my god, if you don't have tits like dolly parton, no one wants you. 1046 01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,520 thanks for the memories ! 1047 01:01:56,520 --> 01:01:58,440 [ bangs into door ] 1048 01:01:59,880 --> 01:02:02,280 merry christmas to all, hello. hello ? [ dial tone ] 1049 01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:04,680 and to all a good night. 1050 01:02:06,120 --> 01:02:09,000 oh, my god ! felix, what now ? 1051 01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:11,880 [ barking ] 1052 01:02:11,880 --> 01:02:15,720 gracie, come back to me, honey, please. 1053 01:02:15,720 --> 01:02:18,120 i can't live without you. i love you. [ gracie ] you know what ? 1054 01:02:18,120 --> 01:02:20,520 we're in the middle of dinner right now, okay ? 1055 01:02:20,520 --> 01:02:22,440 put that toy down instantly ! [ felix ] toy ? 1056 01:02:22,920 --> 01:02:24,840 you think this is a toy, huh ? [ gunshot ] 1057 01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:29,640 [ women screaming ] 1058 01:02:29,640 --> 01:02:33,000 felix ! what are you doing ? this is not funny ! 1059 01:02:33,000 --> 01:02:36,360 you'll make him nervous. all right, who wants to be first, huh ? 1060 01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:39,240 who wants to be the hero ? felix isn't such a bad guy. he just gets upset. 1061 01:02:39,240 --> 01:02:42,120 oh, right ! because you're insane, that's why ! 1062 01:02:42,120 --> 01:02:44,520 wait 'til i get home with you ! have you considered marriage counseling ? 1063 01:02:44,520 --> 01:02:47,880 think about the baby ! i love you ! [ gunshot ] 1064 01:02:47,880 --> 01:02:49,800 [ screams ] [ philip ] gracie, make an effort ! compromise ! 1065 01:02:50,280 --> 01:02:52,200 [ catherine ] he loves you. [ felix ] where're you going ? 1066 01:02:52,680 --> 01:02:56,040 catherine, you're supposed to be protecting me ! don't run away from me. 1067 01:02:56,040 --> 01:02:59,400 this person will protect me, won't you ? 1068 01:03:03,720 --> 01:03:07,560 so you're going to shoot a pregnant woman ? no. i'm gonna shoot you. 1069 01:03:08,040 --> 01:03:12,840 hmm. mr. santa, listen to me. 1070 01:03:12,840 --> 01:03:16,680 i'm sure this young woman has plenty of reason to hate you. we all do. 1071 01:03:16,680 --> 01:03:20,520 but that's no reason to shoot someone now, is it ? 1072 01:03:20,520 --> 01:03:22,920 so, please... 1073 01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:26,760 put the little pistol down. no. 1074 01:03:30,600 --> 01:03:32,520 [ groans ] 1075 01:03:32,520 --> 01:03:34,440 hey ! hey ! stop ! stop ! [ screaming ] 1076 01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:36,840 [ screaming continues ] 1077 01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:39,240 ow ! ow ! ow ! 1078 01:03:39,240 --> 01:03:44,040 he shot my foot ! ow ! ow ! ow ! felix, you are a maniac ! 1079 01:03:44,040 --> 01:03:45,960 everybody blames me for everything. 1080 01:03:45,960 --> 01:03:47,880 i can't look. am i bleeding ? 1081 01:03:47,880 --> 01:03:49,800 oh, my god, i'm going to bleed to death. 1082 01:03:49,800 --> 01:03:52,680 * [ strumming ] someone call my mother. don't touch me ! 1083 01:03:52,680 --> 01:03:54,600 i forbid you to touch me ! just call a doctor. 1084 01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:57,000 stop pointing that gun at me ! stop ! 1085 01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:59,880 felix, we have to stop playing with guns now. 1086 01:03:59,880 --> 01:04:02,280 don't just take it. you have to empty it. 1087 01:04:02,280 --> 01:04:05,640 [ gunshots ] 1088 01:04:05,640 --> 01:04:08,040 gracie, for god sakes, what are you doing ? give me that ! 1089 01:04:08,040 --> 01:04:10,440 [ gracie ] i am emptying it ! [ philip ] let go ! 1090 01:04:10,440 --> 01:04:12,360 i can't believe you would do that ! i am sick of him ! 1091 01:04:12,360 --> 01:04:14,280 he is a nut case ! [ yelling ] [ yelling ] 1092 01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,200 i am protecting us from him ! 1093 01:04:16,200 --> 01:04:20,040 [ doorbell buzzing continuously ] 1094 01:04:20,040 --> 01:04:22,920 [ buzzing continues ] 1095 01:04:22,920 --> 01:04:26,760 [ buzzing continues ] 1096 01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:33,480 [ buzzing continues ] 1097 01:04:40,680 --> 01:04:42,600 yes ? 1098 01:04:45,480 --> 01:04:46,920 [ doorbell stops buzzing ] 1099 01:04:48,840 --> 01:04:51,720 it's stanley. who's stanley ? 1100 01:04:52,200 --> 01:04:54,120 [ catherine ] stanley tanenbaum, the landlord. 1101 01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:56,520 i called him to fix the elevator. i completely forgot. 1102 01:04:57,000 --> 01:05:01,320 - oh, the elevator's fixed. -[ transvestite ] what's going on ? 1103 01:05:01,320 --> 01:05:03,240 is everyone dead ? not everyone. 1104 01:05:24,840 --> 01:05:27,720 [ neighbor ] hey, what's going on up there ? just a teeny, tiny accident. 1105 01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:31,080 just a weenie, woonie one. [ neighbor ] well, keep it down. 1106 01:05:31,080 --> 01:05:35,880 this isn't the fourth of july. i know. i'm sorry. uh, it won't happen again. 1107 01:05:35,880 --> 01:05:39,240 [ panting ] we have to call the police. 1108 01:05:41,640 --> 01:05:45,480 uh, dial 9-1-1. that's their number. 1109 01:05:46,920 --> 01:05:49,320 [ dialing ] 1110 01:05:49,320 --> 01:05:52,200 [ line ringing ] they can't do anything. he's dead ! 1111 01:05:52,680 --> 01:05:55,080 [ ringing continues ] [ gracie ] philip, i didn't mean to do it. 1112 01:05:55,080 --> 01:05:58,440 you're not going to turn me in, are you ? [ ringing continues ] 1113 01:05:58,440 --> 01:06:00,360 you have reached the los angeles police. 1114 01:06:00,360 --> 01:06:02,760 please hold on. your call is very important to us. 1115 01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:08,040 * [ christmas ] oh, philip, is this the miracle ? 1116 01:06:08,040 --> 01:06:10,920 the eviction will probably go through regardless. this is not the miracle. 1117 01:06:10,920 --> 01:06:13,800 [ shivering ] [ transvestite ] what about me ? 1118 01:06:14,280 --> 01:06:17,640 - doesn't anyone care about me ? - i'll take care of her. 1119 01:06:19,080 --> 01:06:21,960 i'm coming. [ gasping ] catherine, are you okay ? 1120 01:06:21,960 --> 01:06:26,760 i-i-i can't breathe. i'm having trouble breathing. 1121 01:06:26,760 --> 01:06:30,600 i'm so cold. [ shivering ] 1122 01:06:30,600 --> 01:06:33,960 [ shivering continues ] catherine ? catherine. 1123 01:06:33,960 --> 01:06:37,320 catherine. come on, come on. i am so cold ! 1124 01:06:37,320 --> 01:06:40,200 it's all right. calm down. here, here, put your arms around me. 1125 01:06:40,200 --> 01:06:42,600 come on. hold on tight. everything's gonna be okay. 1126 01:06:43,080 --> 01:06:45,480 just calm down. up, easy. over the dead body. 1127 01:06:45,480 --> 01:06:47,400 that's good. yeah, i've got you. i've got you. 1128 01:06:47,400 --> 01:06:49,320 just relax. i've got you. come on. 1129 01:06:49,320 --> 01:06:52,680 come on. i've got you. i've got you. 1130 01:06:55,080 --> 01:06:57,960 [ groaning ] 1131 01:06:57,960 --> 01:07:01,320 oh, my god ! [ groans ] 1132 01:07:01,320 --> 01:07:04,200 boy, that's just a little scratch. it's nothing at all. oh, my god ! 1133 01:07:04,200 --> 01:07:09,000 my foot is completely numb ! i can tell it's going to be very painful soon ! 1134 01:07:09,000 --> 01:07:12,360 hmm. all right, i'll get you some aspirin. thank you. 1135 01:07:12,840 --> 01:07:17,160 or better yet, i'll get you some tylenol with the codeine. 1136 01:07:17,160 --> 01:07:19,560 uh-uh, no. no, no, no, no. 1137 01:07:19,560 --> 01:07:22,440 nuprin. that's the good stuff. 1138 01:07:24,360 --> 01:07:26,760 i got it. luden's cough drops. 1139 01:07:26,760 --> 01:07:29,160 that'll be for me though. i got a scratchy throat. hmm. 1140 01:07:32,520 --> 01:07:35,400 just lean here, all right ? no, just lock your knees. 1141 01:07:35,400 --> 01:07:37,320 [ sighs ] now i'm gonna run you a bath. 1142 01:07:37,320 --> 01:07:40,680 only this time, i'm gonna put in some water and it'll make you feel better. 1143 01:07:40,680 --> 01:07:42,600 [ catherine ] okay. [ water running ] 1144 01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:47,880 [ transvestite ] hello ? hello ? is anyone there ? 1145 01:07:47,880 --> 01:07:51,720 [ whimpering ] i'm going to get gangrene. 1146 01:07:51,720 --> 01:07:54,600 would someone please bring me a bandage ? 1147 01:07:54,600 --> 01:07:57,480 [ water running ] i'm not asking for the moon. 1148 01:07:57,480 --> 01:07:59,400 i'm just asking for a bandage. [ water running ] 1149 01:07:59,400 --> 01:08:04,680 all right. now, just sit here, okay ? okay ? are you all right ? okay. 1150 01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:08,040 [ transvestite ] hello ? where are you ? 1151 01:08:08,040 --> 01:08:11,400 no, no, please, i'll, uh, i'll just get it myself. 1152 01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:17,640 [ screams, groans, grunting ] 1153 01:08:17,640 --> 01:08:20,040 [ grunting continues ] 1154 01:08:28,680 --> 01:08:31,560 [ groaning ] your bandage. [ gracie ] philip ! 1155 01:08:31,560 --> 01:08:34,440 oh, my god ! you broke my nose ! 1156 01:08:34,440 --> 01:08:36,360 [ gracie ] philip ! what is it ? 1157 01:08:36,360 --> 01:08:39,240 if you call the police, my baby's going to be born in a jail ! 1158 01:08:39,240 --> 01:08:44,040 your baby won't be born in jail. my nose is my best feature ! 1159 01:08:44,040 --> 01:08:47,880 i'm sorry ! i'm sorry ! do you promise it won't be born in a jail ? 1160 01:08:47,880 --> 01:08:50,760 [ raspy voice ] i promise ! 1161 01:08:51,240 --> 01:08:53,160 [ transvestite ] my face is ruined ! 1162 01:08:54,600 --> 01:08:56,520 [ catherine ] philip ? 1163 01:08:56,520 --> 01:08:57,960 here's your bandage ! [ groans ] 1164 01:08:58,440 --> 01:09:02,280 hey, how's it going ? [ catherine ] philip, help me ! 1165 01:09:04,680 --> 01:09:07,560 do you want gracie to help you get undressed ? 1166 01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:10,920 [ water running ] do you want me to help you get undressed ? 1167 01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:22,440 [ sighs ] 1168 01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:39,240 something's happening. 1169 01:09:39,240 --> 01:09:42,600 my heart is racing and i'm feeling all nervous and sick. 1170 01:09:42,600 --> 01:09:46,440 that's the way i've felt since the day i met you. 1171 01:09:46,440 --> 01:09:49,800 your sweater was buttoned funny that day. 1172 01:09:49,800 --> 01:09:54,120 one side stuck up higher than the other and poked up into your chin. 1173 01:09:54,120 --> 01:09:58,920 you remember that ? i'll never forget it. 1174 01:10:29,640 --> 01:10:33,480 [ groaning, whimpering ] 1175 01:10:33,480 --> 01:10:37,320 what does it look like ? no, don't tell me. i don't want to know. 1176 01:10:37,320 --> 01:10:39,720 it's just a little larger than usual. hmm. 1177 01:10:39,720 --> 01:10:43,080 don't worry. the swelling will go down. 1178 01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:47,400 it must be nice to have your best feature be so prominent. 1179 01:10:47,400 --> 01:10:49,320 my best feature's my hands. 1180 01:10:49,320 --> 01:10:53,160 that's why i play ukulele. it gets your hands right out there, you know ? 1181 01:10:53,640 --> 01:10:57,960 are you a professional ukulele player ? oh, no. i'm a writer. 1182 01:10:58,440 --> 01:11:01,320 what do you write ? t-shirts. 1183 01:11:01,320 --> 01:11:05,160 really ? i wrote, "save the dolphins." 1184 01:11:06,600 --> 01:11:10,440 excuse me. what do you mean you wrote it ? 1185 01:11:10,440 --> 01:11:13,800 i wasn't the first person to say it. i was the first person to put it on a t-shirt. 1186 01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:15,720 oh. 1187 01:11:15,720 --> 01:11:19,080 did you do, "life is a beach" ? oh, i wish ! 1188 01:11:19,080 --> 01:11:23,880 i met the guy who wrote that at a party. he kind of snubbed me, you know ? 1189 01:11:33,480 --> 01:11:35,400 we haven't been properly introduced. 1190 01:11:35,400 --> 01:11:38,760 my name's louie. chris. 1191 01:11:40,200 --> 01:11:43,560 chris. [ chuckles ] 1192 01:11:43,560 --> 01:11:46,920 # ooh, chris # 1193 01:11:46,920 --> 01:11:52,200 # i wonder whether your name starts with a "c" or a "k" # 1194 01:11:52,200 --> 01:11:57,000 # i wonder if you have a skinny uncle harry or a fat aunt fay # 1195 01:11:57,000 --> 01:12:02,280 # i wonder if you know how good you look in those panty hose ? ? [ giggling ] 1196 01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:04,680 # i wonder if you're happy that i didn't mention anything # 1197 01:12:05,160 --> 01:12:07,080 # about the things coming out of your nose # [ snickering ] 1198 01:12:07,080 --> 01:12:12,360 ? [ laughing ] # oh, so many thing s for me to wonder ? 1199 01:12:14,760 --> 01:12:19,560 * [ nonsensical singing ] 1200 01:12:19,560 --> 01:12:22,920 * [ continues] 1201 01:12:22,920 --> 01:12:24,840 * [ continues ] 1202 01:12:24,840 --> 01:12:28,200 [ sighs ] we could cut him up into pieces... 1203 01:12:28,200 --> 01:12:32,040 and wrap him up as christmas presents. who would we give them to ? 1204 01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:34,440 * [ continues ] 1205 01:12:34,440 --> 01:12:36,360 [ gracie sighs ] 1206 01:12:38,280 --> 01:12:40,680 [ doorbell buzzes ] 1207 01:12:40,680 --> 01:12:43,080 [ whispers ] check the peephole ! there is no peephole. 1208 01:12:43,080 --> 01:12:46,920 - [ buzzing continues ] - oh, how convenient. 1209 01:12:47,880 --> 01:12:50,760 philip, it's susan. 1210 01:12:50,760 --> 01:12:52,680 what is it ? 1211 01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:55,560 i need to see philip. i think i've made a terrible mistake. 1212 01:12:55,560 --> 01:12:57,960 he's taking a bath with catherine. would you like to wait ? 1213 01:12:57,960 --> 01:13:01,320 no. good, 'cause there's enough going on here as it is. 1214 01:13:08,040 --> 01:13:11,880 if only we could disguise him as something. 1215 01:13:22,920 --> 01:13:26,760 # oh, christmas tree # 1216 01:13:26,760 --> 01:13:30,600 # oh, christmas tree # 1217 01:13:30,600 --> 01:13:38,280 #? # how lovely are thy branches ? 1218 01:13:38,280 --> 01:13:43,080 catherine was, uh, very distressed, so naturally, i had to comfort her. ah. 1219 01:13:43,080 --> 01:13:45,960 [ catherine, philip clear throats ] 1220 01:13:45,960 --> 01:13:49,320 [ gasps ] where's stanley ? 1221 01:13:49,320 --> 01:13:51,720 where is he ? what did you do with it ? 1222 01:13:52,200 --> 01:13:54,120 he's in the tree. 1223 01:13:54,600 --> 01:13:57,000 in the tree ? 1224 01:13:57,480 --> 01:13:59,880 he is the tree. [ sighs ] 1225 01:13:59,880 --> 01:14:02,280 i wrapped him up in those potato sacks. 1226 01:14:02,280 --> 01:14:04,680 [ gracie sighs ] oh, my god. 1227 01:14:04,680 --> 01:14:08,040 they're burlap, which is really itchy unless you're dead. 1228 01:14:08,040 --> 01:14:11,880 me and felix took branches off the old tree and we just stuck 'em on. 1229 01:14:11,880 --> 01:14:14,280 [ catherine ] how ? [ felix ] super glue. 1230 01:14:14,760 --> 01:14:18,120 [ gracie ] it's the most amazing invention. pull on one of those branches. 1231 01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:21,000 i'm telling you, you could chin yourself on this tree. 1232 01:14:21,000 --> 01:14:23,400 [ felix ] fortunately, 1233 01:14:23,400 --> 01:14:27,240 the guy had a good posture. i admire a man with good posture. 1234 01:14:27,240 --> 01:14:30,120 felix has lovely posture. thank you, honey. 1235 01:14:30,120 --> 01:14:32,040 it's just as well we're going out of business ! 1236 01:14:32,040 --> 01:14:35,400 i am totally incompetent ! i'm like job ! philip, really ! 1237 01:14:35,880 --> 01:14:37,800 well, then, all right, i'm not like job ! 1238 01:14:37,800 --> 01:14:40,680 but look at me, pretending to save lives. 1239 01:14:40,680 --> 01:14:43,080 there's nothing in the refrigerator ! 1240 01:14:43,080 --> 01:14:46,440 i couldn't save a life if my life depended on it ! [ sighs ] 1241 01:14:46,920 --> 01:14:50,760 we have been here for six years, and what do we have to show for it ? 1242 01:14:51,240 --> 01:14:52,680 a dead body. 1243 01:14:53,160 --> 01:14:56,520 a dead body disguised as a christmas tree. [ philip ] thank you. 1244 01:14:56,520 --> 01:14:58,920 thank you for reminding me. 1245 01:14:58,920 --> 01:15:00,840 i got a plan. 1246 01:15:00,840 --> 01:15:06,120 felix always has a plan. i am so proud of you, honey. 1247 01:15:09,480 --> 01:15:15,240 we take it downstairs. we leave it on the boardwalk. 1248 01:15:19,080 --> 01:15:21,000 - that's it ? - yeah. 1249 01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:24,360 [ philip ] that is not really a plan, felix. what's wrong with it ? 1250 01:15:24,360 --> 01:15:27,720 a plan is supposed to have more than one part. 1251 01:15:28,200 --> 01:15:32,040 it's supposed to go like, "first we do this, and then we do this, and then we do this." 1252 01:15:32,040 --> 01:15:34,440 i don't appreciate you talking to felix this way. 1253 01:15:34,920 --> 01:15:37,320 we're just trying to help you out here, philip. yeah. 1254 01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:41,640 [ sighs ] you want a plan ? first we take it downstairs. 1255 01:15:41,640 --> 01:15:45,000 then we leave it on the boardwalk. then we go home. 1256 01:15:45,000 --> 01:15:48,360 we just leave it standing like the city put it there. nobody will notice. 1257 01:15:48,360 --> 01:15:50,760 - and when the city takes it down ? - we're outta there ! 1258 01:15:50,760 --> 01:15:52,680 what's going on ? 1259 01:15:52,680 --> 01:15:54,600 [ chris ] something wrong ? [ philip ] nothing at all. 1260 01:15:54,600 --> 01:15:56,520 felix and gracie have turned the landlord into a christmas tree. 1261 01:15:56,520 --> 01:15:58,920 now we're going to take it down and leave it on the boardwalk ! 1262 01:15:58,920 --> 01:16:01,080 now that's a good plan. we'll help you. 1263 01:16:02,760 --> 01:16:06,120 be careful now. don't let the branches fall off. 1264 01:16:06,120 --> 01:16:08,040 what about stanley's bag ? 1265 01:16:08,040 --> 01:16:10,920 [ felix ] we'll leave it under the tree and let somebody swipe it. 1266 01:16:11,400 --> 01:16:12,840 only some of us should go. we don't want to attract attention. 1267 01:16:13,320 --> 01:16:15,720 i'm with you. i'm going ! okay, the two of us. 1268 01:16:15,720 --> 01:16:18,120 we want to go too. yeah, we made it. 1269 01:16:18,120 --> 01:16:20,520 okay, four. i'd like to go. 1270 01:16:20,520 --> 01:16:23,400 i promise not to attract any attention. six, but that's it. 1271 01:16:23,880 --> 01:16:27,240 we should try to act jolly. i'll sing. 1272 01:16:27,720 --> 01:16:29,640 ? # deck the halls with boughs of holly ? 1273 01:16:29,640 --> 01:16:32,040 [ all ] # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # 1274 01:16:32,040 --> 01:16:34,440 ? # 'tis the season to be jolly ? 1275 01:16:34,440 --> 01:16:36,840 # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # 1276 01:16:36,840 --> 01:16:39,240 # don we now our gay apparel # 1277 01:16:39,240 --> 01:16:41,640 # fa-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la # 1278 01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:44,040 # troll the ancient yuletide carol # 1279 01:16:44,520 --> 01:16:46,920 # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # 1280 01:16:46,920 --> 01:16:48,840 # hey # 1281 01:16:48,840 --> 01:16:52,680 [ louie softly ] # if you get all weird this christmas # 1282 01:16:52,680 --> 01:16:54,600 # scooby-dooby-doo pop-pop-fizz-fizz # 1283 01:16:55,080 --> 01:16:57,000 # we could really use your business # 1284 01:16:57,000 --> 01:16:59,400 # scooby-dooby-doo let's eat cheeze whiz # [ munchnik ] i'll be there. 1285 01:16:59,880 --> 01:17:01,800 # sit in a garage and turn on the ignition * [ laughing ] 1286 01:17:01,800 --> 01:17:04,680 [ munchnik ] philip ! catherine ! 1287 01:17:04,680 --> 01:17:07,560 merry christmas. are you dismantling the office already ? 1288 01:17:07,560 --> 01:17:09,480 where are you going with our tree ? 1289 01:17:09,480 --> 01:17:13,800 - it's not our tree. really, it's not. - it is, too, our tree. 1290 01:17:13,800 --> 01:17:16,680 i recognize the red cellophane thingy. [ whimpering, barking ] 1291 01:17:16,680 --> 01:17:21,000 the dogs. keep those mutts away. shoo ! 1292 01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:23,880 may i ? by all means, blanche. 1293 01:17:23,880 --> 01:17:26,280 here, doggies. here, doggies. 1294 01:17:26,280 --> 01:17:30,120 there's a good girl. come to mommy. yeah, what a good girl. 1295 01:17:30,120 --> 01:17:33,480 they definitely did it. [ gasps ] 1296 01:17:33,480 --> 01:17:35,400 # deck the halls with boughs of holly # 1297 01:17:35,400 --> 01:17:37,800 # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # 1298 01:17:37,800 --> 01:17:42,120 ? # deck the halls with balls of holly # # 'tis the season to be jolly ? 1299 01:17:42,120 --> 01:17:45,480 # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # # don we now our gay apparel # 1300 01:17:45,480 --> 01:17:49,320 ? # 'tis the season to be jolly # # fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la ? 1301 01:17:49,320 --> 01:17:52,680 ? # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # # fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ? 1302 01:17:52,680 --> 01:17:55,560 # don we now our gay apparel # # see the blazing yule before us # 1303 01:17:55,560 --> 01:17:59,880 # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # [ dogs howling ] 1304 01:17:59,880 --> 01:18:03,720 # la-la-la, oh, the ancient # # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # 1305 01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:05,640 # follow me in merry measure # 1306 01:18:05,640 --> 01:18:09,960 # fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la while i tell of yuletide treasure # 1307 01:18:09,960 --> 01:18:14,280 # fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ? #? oh, my god ! it's the rollerbladers ! 1308 01:18:14,280 --> 01:18:16,680 - it's them ! oh, no, they're back ! - it's the tree haters ! 1309 01:18:17,160 --> 01:18:20,520 -[ felix ] let's get them ! - your tree is history ! payback time ! 1310 01:18:20,520 --> 01:18:22,920 - watch out ! - other way, other way, other way ! 1311 01:18:22,920 --> 01:18:26,760 - you ruined our christmas ! - no ! don't ! 1312 01:18:26,760 --> 01:18:30,600 -[ munchnik ] look out ! - merry christmas from doug and carol ferguson ! 1313 01:18:30,600 --> 01:18:32,520 [ yells ] 1314 01:18:37,800 --> 01:18:40,200 [ thud ] 1315 01:18:40,200 --> 01:18:44,520 # oh, tannenbaum # 1316 01:18:44,520 --> 01:18:48,360 # oh, tannenbaum, oh # 1317 01:18:48,360 --> 01:18:51,240 # how lovely are # 1318 01:18:51,240 --> 01:18:53,640 # are thy branches * 1319 01:18:53,640 --> 01:18:56,040 [ siren fades ] 1320 01:18:56,040 --> 01:19:00,360 [ indistinct radio transmission ] 1321 01:19:00,360 --> 01:19:03,720 we've got one dead body at 517 ocean park walk. 1322 01:19:04,200 --> 01:19:06,600 request for the coroner and homicide unit to respond. 1323 01:19:06,600 --> 01:19:09,480 [ indistinct radio dispatcher ] okay, what happened ? 1324 01:19:09,480 --> 01:19:12,360 [ dispatcher continues ] who is this ? 1325 01:19:12,360 --> 01:19:16,680 [ crowd chattering ] [ officer ] come on. who knows what happened ? 1326 01:19:16,680 --> 01:19:19,560 i do. 1327 01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:23,400 our landlord, stanley tanenbaum, 1328 01:19:23,400 --> 01:19:27,720 has committed suicide out of guilt over his condominium conversion. 1329 01:19:27,720 --> 01:19:30,120 and these two people, these two incompetent people, 1330 01:19:30,120 --> 01:19:34,920 but never mind, were so tormented that they could not prevent a suicide, 1331 01:19:34,920 --> 01:19:37,800 that they tried to hide it from the world. 1332 01:19:39,720 --> 01:19:44,040 actually, uh, that's not what happened. obviously. 1333 01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:48,360 what happened was... 1334 01:19:48,360 --> 01:19:51,240 it was christmas eve, and felix... 1335 01:19:51,720 --> 01:19:55,080 just happened to drop by... 1336 01:19:55,080 --> 01:19:58,440 with his gun. [ officer ] who is felix ? 1337 01:20:01,800 --> 01:20:04,680 all right, i'm felix. 1338 01:20:04,680 --> 01:20:06,600 i did it. 1339 01:20:06,600 --> 01:20:09,480 okay, felix, spread your legs, put your hands behind your back. let's go. 1340 01:20:09,960 --> 01:20:12,840 just because he's an ex-con, you blame it on felix. 1341 01:20:12,840 --> 01:20:16,680 well, officer, here's your big murder weapon. don't, gracie ! 1342 01:20:16,680 --> 01:20:18,600 no, no, gracie, you can't ! i did it ! 1343 01:20:18,600 --> 01:20:21,960 felix ! stop ! [ crowd clamoring ] 1344 01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:37,320 santa ! mommy, it's santa ! 1345 01:20:39,720 --> 01:20:43,080 felix, what are you doing ? [ felix ] i can't live without you, gracie ! 1346 01:20:43,080 --> 01:20:46,440 [ siren wailing ] if you go to jail, i might as well be dead ! 1347 01:20:46,440 --> 01:20:49,800 no ! [ gasps ] [ officer ] everybody move back ! 1348 01:20:49,800 --> 01:20:52,680 move back immediately ! we have a very dangerous condition ! 1349 01:20:53,160 --> 01:20:55,560 felix, it was an accident ! 1350 01:20:55,560 --> 01:20:59,400 they're not gonna convict me. now come down ! 1351 01:20:59,400 --> 01:21:04,200 well, what if they do ? i can't take a chance on the criminal justice system ! 1352 01:21:04,200 --> 01:21:09,000 i went to jail for nothing ! they could do it to you ! no ! no, stop ! 1353 01:21:09,480 --> 01:21:12,840 philip, you've got to do something ! you've got to save him ! 1354 01:21:13,320 --> 01:21:18,120 felix, i just want you to know, i forgive you for shooting me in the foot. 1355 01:21:18,120 --> 01:21:20,040 [ felix ] i don't care ! okay. 1356 01:21:20,520 --> 01:21:23,400 - [ grunting ] - felix, stop ! listen to me ! 1357 01:21:27,720 --> 01:21:31,080 [ gasping ] don't you want to spend christmas with your baby ? 1358 01:21:31,080 --> 01:21:34,920 don't you want to see him open his first present ? 1359 01:21:36,840 --> 01:21:39,240 what was your first present, felix ? 1360 01:21:39,240 --> 01:21:43,560 - hubcaps. - huh. 1361 01:21:43,560 --> 01:21:46,920 now i can't even afford hubcaps ! 1362 01:21:46,920 --> 01:21:50,760 felix, you know something ? 1363 01:21:50,760 --> 01:21:52,680 you're not upset because you're broke. 1364 01:21:52,680 --> 01:21:55,560 [ felix ] i'm not ? no. 1365 01:21:55,560 --> 01:21:57,480 you're not upset because you're an artist who may never... 1366 01:21:57,480 --> 01:21:59,400 have any place to paint as long as you live. 1367 01:21:59,400 --> 01:22:01,320 i'm not ? [ philip ] no. 1368 01:22:01,800 --> 01:22:05,160 and you're not upset because the woman you love... 1369 01:22:05,160 --> 01:22:08,520 may go to jail for a very long time. 1370 01:22:08,520 --> 01:22:13,320 - i'm not ? - no. 1371 01:22:13,320 --> 01:22:17,160 you're upset because it's christmas. 1372 01:22:17,640 --> 01:22:21,960 christmas is a time when you look at your life through a magnifying glass, 1373 01:22:21,960 --> 01:22:25,320 and whatever you don't have feels overwhelming. 1374 01:22:25,320 --> 01:22:28,680 being alone is so much lonelier at christmas. 1375 01:22:28,680 --> 01:22:33,960 everything sad is so much sadder at christmas. 1376 01:22:33,960 --> 01:22:35,880 you can't give in to this, felix ! 1377 01:22:35,880 --> 01:22:38,280 i thought today was going to be the worst day of my life, 1378 01:22:38,280 --> 01:22:42,120 but, then, something wonderful and unexpected happened ! 1379 01:22:42,120 --> 01:22:45,480 first, something horrible and unexpected happened. 1380 01:22:45,480 --> 01:22:47,880 actually, three horrible and unexpected things happened, 1381 01:22:47,880 --> 01:22:50,760 but then something wonderful. 1382 01:22:52,680 --> 01:22:55,080 the holidays aren't over yet, felix. 1383 01:22:55,080 --> 01:22:59,880 they're not over for you, and they're not over for gracie. who knows ? 1384 01:22:59,880 --> 01:23:05,160 who knows ? there's magic at christmas. 1385 01:23:05,160 --> 01:23:09,960 and i'll bet, if you come down, you'll find that out. 1386 01:23:14,760 --> 01:23:17,640 [ sniffling ] i love you, felix ! 1387 01:23:21,960 --> 01:23:25,320 i love you so much, gracie ! 1388 01:23:27,720 --> 01:23:31,560 come on down, felix. it's almost midnight. 1389 01:23:41,160 --> 01:23:43,560 [ crowd applauding, cheering ] [ laughing ] 1390 01:23:43,560 --> 01:23:46,440 [ applauding, cheering continue ] 1391 01:23:46,440 --> 01:23:49,320 bravo ! [ laughing ] 1392 01:23:56,520 --> 01:24:00,360 [ approaching footsteps ] we'll have a van here in a few minutes. 1393 01:24:00,360 --> 01:24:02,760 we'll take you all down to the station for questioning. 1394 01:24:03,240 --> 01:24:06,120 this bag belongs to stanley. 1395 01:24:09,960 --> 01:24:14,760 [ indistinct radio transmission ] 1396 01:24:14,760 --> 01:24:18,120 brian. what have you got here, rizzo ? 1397 01:24:18,120 --> 01:24:22,440 whoa ! fp-242, notify watch commander, please. 1398 01:24:22,440 --> 01:24:24,840 where'd you get this ? take a guess. 1399 01:24:26,280 --> 01:24:28,680 gracie barzini ? 1400 01:24:29,160 --> 01:24:33,480 yes. i'm ready. you can take me away now. 1401 01:24:33,480 --> 01:24:35,400 congratulations. 1402 01:24:35,400 --> 01:24:39,240 you have killed the seaside strangler. what ? 1403 01:24:39,240 --> 01:24:43,560 fishing twine and kelp. oh, my god ! you're kidding me ! 1404 01:24:43,560 --> 01:24:47,880 - stanley's the strangler ? - i killed the seaside strangler ! 1405 01:24:47,880 --> 01:24:49,800 how brilliant is that, catherine ? 1406 01:24:49,800 --> 01:24:53,640 isn't there a reward ? there's a $250,000 reward. 1407 01:24:53,640 --> 01:24:57,960 oh, my god ! [ all screaming, laughing ] 1408 01:24:57,960 --> 01:25:00,840 merry christmas ! [ grunts ] 1409 01:25:00,840 --> 01:25:03,240 i'm the luckiest girl in the world ! 1410 01:25:03,240 --> 01:25:07,560 philip, i could pay for your moving expenses. how much do you need ? 1411 01:25:07,560 --> 01:25:11,880 only $5,000 ! $5,000 ? 1412 01:25:13,320 --> 01:25:16,200 oh, fine ! [ screaming ] 1413 01:25:16,200 --> 01:25:18,600 oh, i'm so happy ! this is great ! we're back in business ! 1414 01:25:18,600 --> 01:25:20,520 thank you ! thank you ! what can i give you ? 1415 01:25:21,000 --> 01:25:24,840 how can i possibly thank you ? i know. 1416 01:25:28,200 --> 01:25:31,560 fruitcake. i'm rich ! 1417 01:25:31,560 --> 01:25:35,400 i'm rich ! i'm rich ! [ screaming ] rich girl ! 1418 01:25:35,400 --> 01:25:38,760 oh, no ! oh, my goodness ! what is it ? 1419 01:25:38,760 --> 01:25:42,120 what's the matter, honey ? what ? my water just broke ! 1420 01:25:42,120 --> 01:25:44,520 you're just going into labor. we have plenty of time. no, i'm having it ! 1421 01:25:45,000 --> 01:25:46,920 [ catherine ] are you sure ? [ gracie ] yes, i'm sure ! 1422 01:25:46,920 --> 01:25:49,320 - philip ? - dr. kinsky'll help us ! 1423 01:25:49,320 --> 01:25:52,200 - what ? - [ all ] she's having a baby ! 1424 01:25:52,200 --> 01:25:55,080 uh... uh, bring her over by the tree ! 1425 01:25:55,080 --> 01:25:57,480 ouch ! [ kinsky ] by the tree. officer, could you please help ? 1426 01:25:57,480 --> 01:26:00,840 i'll take her ! here, here. wait a minute ! lift up my leg, you moron ! 1427 01:26:01,320 --> 01:26:02,760 out of the way ! out of the way ! 1428 01:26:03,240 --> 01:26:05,160 we're having a baby ! woman with a baby ! 1429 01:26:05,160 --> 01:26:08,040 get out of the way ! all right, put her down right here. 1430 01:26:08,040 --> 01:26:10,920 right here. here. right here. [ screaming ] 1431 01:26:11,400 --> 01:26:14,280 [ kinsky ] okay, okay, you're doing great. [ breathing hard ] 1432 01:26:14,280 --> 01:26:18,120 i'm having it ! i know, i know. just relax. everything's gonna be fine. 1433 01:26:18,120 --> 01:26:20,040 it's gonna come out, right ? no, no, no. it's gonna come out. 1434 01:26:20,040 --> 01:26:21,960 you're doing great. you're in good hands. 1435 01:26:21,960 --> 01:26:24,360 i've done this hundreds and hundreds of times. [ lamaze breathing ] 1436 01:26:24,360 --> 01:26:28,680 aren't you a veterinarian ? yes, but it's the same basic concept. 1437 01:26:28,680 --> 01:26:30,600 [ screaming ] okay, relax and breathe. 1438 01:26:30,600 --> 01:26:33,480 i'm not relaxed ! then just be anxious and breathe. 1439 01:26:33,480 --> 01:26:35,880 breathe deep ! that's it. okay. it's starting to come ! 1440 01:26:35,880 --> 01:26:39,240 it's starting to come ! okay, more breathing. you're telling me ! 1441 01:26:39,240 --> 01:26:41,160 all right, here we go ! all right, here we-- [ blowing hard ] 1442 01:26:41,160 --> 01:26:43,560 another contraction, and then give me another big push ! 1443 01:26:43,560 --> 01:26:45,480 [ groaning ] there we go ! look, i can see-- 1444 01:26:45,480 --> 01:26:48,360 would you shut up ? just trying to help. 1445 01:26:48,360 --> 01:26:50,280 all right, you give me another big push. 1446 01:26:50,280 --> 01:26:54,120 [ gracie, felix screaming ] 1447 01:26:54,120 --> 01:26:57,960 the head is starting to come. it's starting to come. breathe a little deeper. 1448 01:26:57,960 --> 01:27:01,320 oh, my god ! 1449 01:27:01,320 --> 01:27:03,240 no ! 1450 01:27:09,000 --> 01:27:13,800 [ baby crying ] 1451 01:27:14,280 --> 01:27:17,160 [ crying continues ] 1452 01:27:17,640 --> 01:27:19,560 [ cooing ] [ sniffles ] 1453 01:27:19,560 --> 01:27:22,440 yeah. [ chuckles ] 1454 01:27:22,440 --> 01:27:28,200 * [ organ playing "silent night" ] 1455 01:27:28,200 --> 01:27:30,600 it's christmas. 1456 01:27:30,600 --> 01:27:33,480 * [ continues ] 1457 01:27:33,480 --> 01:27:36,840 merry christmas. [ crowd ] merry christmas. 1458 01:27:36,840 --> 01:27:40,680 merry christmas. [ giggles ] 1459 01:27:51,240 --> 01:27:54,120 what shall we do for christmas ? 1460 01:27:54,120 --> 01:27:57,960 i don't know. what shall we do ? 1461 01:27:59,880 --> 01:28:01,800 let's get married. 1462 01:28:06,120 --> 01:28:08,520 this is the miracle. 1463 01:28:08,520 --> 01:28:10,440 [ bell ringing ] 1464 01:28:10,440 --> 01:28:13,800 [ felix ] merry christmas ! 1465 01:28:13,800 --> 01:28:17,160 merry christmas ! 1466 01:28:17,160 --> 01:28:19,080 [ ringing ] 1467 01:28:19,080 --> 01:28:21,960 merry christmas ! 1468 01:28:21,960 --> 01:28:25,320 # children carry through the streets # 1469 01:28:25,320 --> 01:28:29,160 # a brightly painted star # 1470 01:28:29,160 --> 01:28:32,520 # angels gather 'round the hearth # 1471 01:28:32,520 --> 01:28:35,880 # strumming on guitars # 1472 01:28:35,880 --> 01:28:38,760 # men of great renown and faith # 1473 01:28:38,760 --> 01:28:42,120 # say prayers on boulevards # 1474 01:28:42,120 --> 01:28:47,880 # it's the night before christmas # 1475 01:28:47,880 --> 01:28:51,240 # but you don't have to be an angel # 1476 01:28:51,240 --> 01:28:54,600 # to sing harmony # 1477 01:28:54,600 --> 01:28:57,480 # and you don't have to be a child # 1478 01:28:57,480 --> 01:29:01,320 # to love the mystery # 1479 01:29:01,320 --> 01:29:05,640 # and you don't have to be a wise man # 1480 01:29:05,640 --> 01:29:08,520 # on bended knee # 1481 01:29:08,520 --> 01:29:12,360 ? # the heart of this christmas ? 1482 01:29:12,360 --> 01:29:15,720 # is in you and me # 1483 01:29:16,200 --> 01:29:18,600 # the night # 1484 01:29:18,600 --> 01:29:22,440 # before christmas # # ooh-ooh # 1485 01:29:22,440 --> 01:29:29,640 # the night before christmas # 1486 01:29:29,640 --> 01:29:32,520 # if your heart's been longing # 1487 01:29:32,520 --> 01:29:36,360 # and you've been afraid to try # 1488 01:29:36,360 --> 01:29:39,240 # if sorrow's kept you company # 1489 01:29:39,720 --> 01:29:43,080 # and the dance has passed you by # 1490 01:29:43,080 --> 01:29:46,440 # i'll lift you up and blaze with you # 1491 01:29:46,920 --> 01:29:49,800 # across the moonlit sky # 1492 01:29:49,800 --> 01:29:54,600 # on the night before christmas # 1493 01:29:54,600 --> 01:29:58,440 # because you don't have to be an angel # 1494 01:29:58,920 --> 01:30:01,320 # to sing harmony # 1495 01:30:01,800 --> 01:30:04,680 # and you don't have to be a child # 1496 01:30:05,160 --> 01:30:08,520 ? # to love the mystery # # mystery ? 1497 01:30:08,520 --> 01:30:12,360 # and you don't have to be a wise man # 1498 01:30:12,360 --> 01:30:15,240 # on bended knee # 1499 01:30:15,240 --> 01:30:18,600 ? # the heart of this christmas ? 1500 01:30:19,080 --> 01:30:22,920 # is in you and me # 1501 01:30:22,920 --> 01:30:26,280 ? # the heart of this christmas ? 1502 01:30:26,760 --> 01:30:29,640 # is in you # 1503 01:30:29,640 --> 01:30:35,880 ? # and me # # ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ? 1504 01:30:36,360 --> 01:30:40,680 # ooh-ooh-ooh ? ? # the night # 1505 01:30:40,680 --> 01:30:44,520 # before christmas # # before christmas # 1506 01:30:45,000 --> 01:30:47,400 # the night # 1507 01:30:47,400 --> 01:30:51,240 # before christmas # 1508 01:30:51,720 --> 01:30:54,600 # the night # # the night before christmas # 1509 01:30:54,600 --> 01:30:57,960 # before christmas # # and all through the house # 1510 01:30:58,440 --> 01:31:01,320 # not a creature was stirring # # the night # 1511 01:31:01,320 --> 01:31:04,680 # not even a mouse # # before christmas * 1512 01:31:04,680 --> 01:31:09,960 closed-captioned by captions, inc. los angeles 1513 01:31:09,960 --> 01:31:13,320 # christmas eve i'm waitin' # 1514 01:31:13,320 --> 01:31:16,200 # st. nick i ain't fadin' # 1515 01:31:16,200 --> 01:31:19,080 # this year no slackin' # 1516 01:31:19,080 --> 01:31:21,960 # your case i'm crackin' # 1517 01:31:21,960 --> 01:31:24,840 # them milk and cookies ain't caught you yet # 1518 01:31:24,840 --> 01:31:27,720 # got a little something specia by the tv set # 1519 01:31:27,720 --> 01:31:30,600 # good news hey, santa # 1520 01:31:30,600 --> 01:31:33,480 # cashews and pecans # 1521 01:31:33,480 --> 01:31:36,360 # hooray, hosanna # 1522 01:31:36,360 --> 01:31:39,720 # santa can't resist those mixed nuts # 1523 01:31:39,720 --> 01:31:42,600 # chick-peas, split peas chestnuts, chinese # 1524 01:31:42,600 --> 01:31:45,480 # pine nuts, peanuts and pistachios # 1525 01:31:45,480 --> 01:31:48,360 # no nog, no turkey # 1526 01:31:48,360 --> 01:31:51,240 # just beer nuts and beef jerky # 1527 01:31:51,240 --> 01:31:54,120 # tastes good so salty # 1528 01:31:54,120 --> 01:31:57,000 # with something cold and malty # 1529 01:31:57,000 --> 01:31:59,880 # all the fellas at work say i'm out of my mind # 1530 01:31:59,880 --> 01:32:02,760 # but if i stay awake i'm gonna get you this time # 1531 01:32:02,760 --> 01:32:05,640 # good news hey, santa # 1532 01:32:05,640 --> 01:32:08,520 # cashews and pecans # 1533 01:32:08,520 --> 01:32:11,880 # hooray, hosanna # 1534 01:32:11,880 --> 01:32:14,760 # santa can't resist those mixed nuts # 1535 01:32:15,240 --> 01:32:17,640 # acorns, almonds barcelona amazons # 1536 01:32:18,120 --> 01:32:20,520 # black carpathians giant macadamia # 1537 01:32:20,520 --> 01:32:23,400 # i wake up kind of dimly # 1538 01:32:23,400 --> 01:32:26,280 # see a boot scootin' up the chimney # 1539 01:32:26,280 --> 01:32:29,160 # jump up and try to pull it # 1540 01:32:29,160 --> 01:32:32,040 # disappears faster than a bullet # 1541 01:32:32,040 --> 01:32:34,920 # six empty jars layin' on the floor # 1542 01:32:34,920 --> 01:32:37,800 # next christmas eve there'll be ten times more # 1543 01:32:37,800 --> 01:32:40,680 # good news hey, santa # 1544 01:32:40,680 --> 01:32:43,560 # cashews and pecans # 1545 01:32:43,560 --> 01:32:46,920 # hooray, hosanna # 1546 01:32:46,920 --> 01:32:49,320 # santa can't resist those mixed nuts # 1547 01:32:49,800 --> 01:32:52,200 # good news hey, santa # 1548 01:32:52,680 --> 01:32:55,560 # cashews and pecans # 1549 01:32:55,560 --> 01:32:58,440 # hooray, hosanna # 1550 01:32:58,440 --> 01:33:01,320 # santa can't resist those nuts * 1551 01:33:02,680 --> 01:33:04,200 ---the end--- 1552 01:33:05,305 --> 01:33:11,217 Please rate this subtitle at %url% Help other users to choose the best subtitles 128803