All language subtitles for Louis.C.K.Shameless.2007.1080p.REPACK.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.x264-monkee.ESD

- Please welcome louis c.K.!

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thanks,
that's very nice.

Hello, everybody.

How are ya?

- Woo!

Good, thanks for...

- Thank you, oh, good.

Thanks, thanks for coming,
thanks for being here.

Thanks for not
dying before you got here.

- Which could've happened.

Thanks for getting
through the traffic.

I drove here,
and on the way here

I saw a bumper sticker
on a car, and it said,

Uh, it said "tell your
girlfriend i said thanks."

Isn't that a little personal
for a bumper sticker, really?

A bumper sticker
should be like,

"Hey, i'm in
front of you, buh-Baa,"

Whatever, you know.

Not, "hey, i fucked
your girlfriend."

You really want that
on your car

All day for whoever's
behind you?

"Tell your girlfriend
i said thanks,"

How does he know i'm not behind
him just getting mad,

And...

Crazy, taking it personal,
"motherfucker..."

I follow him home, i get out of
my car in his driveway

With a pipe,
"what the fuck does that mean?"

Thank her for what, exactly?

Wait a minute,
you fucked my girlfriend?

Then you made that
bumper sticker

And found me in traffic
and got in front of me?

Woo!

- Motherfucker.

And i just beat him
to death with a pipe

Right there in
his driveway, mm, mm!

And jerk off on his corpse.

Didn't need that part.
Didn't need it.

The story was totally complete

Without the jerking off
on the corpse.

It's too late.

I was at a bar
the other night,

It doesn't matter where
because i'm lying.

But, um...

- I was...

I was at a bar,
and, uh, um,

I was waiting for the bathroom
for a really long time,

There was a guy in the bathroom
and i'm waiting for him.

And then after a while,

This guy that works there
walks by, he goes,

"Are you still waiting?"
And i'm like, "yeah."

So he bangs on
the door and he goes,

"Come on, asshole,
shit and get out!"

And then he walks away.

I was in new york,
i went to a...Uh,

I went to this polish meat
place in new york,

And i go to the guy
at the counter, i was like,

"Hey, could i get a sandwich?"

And he's like, "yes!"
And he just made me a sandwich.

- Heh, heh, heh.

That was it, he didn't ask me
what kind or anything,

He just made it.

It had, like, raisins
and bones in it. What the fuck?

People from other countries
eat weird food, man.

I was in chinatown, and, uh,
you know one of the groceries...

I know that's not another
country, but, uh, you know...

Ha ha ha...

You...You know the grocery
stores in chinatown,

They're for the chinese people,
they eat their actual food,

And, uh, i was
in one of those, and they...

They had duck vaginas,
i swear to god.

A huge barrel of
fuckin' duck vaginas...

With a scoop stuck in it.

Yeah!

And i'm standing there
just staring at this

Fucking huge...

- And i'm thinking,

Could we possibly dominate
a species more than that?

Than that...We're selling their
vaginas in a fucking barrel.

Ducks are just
like, "dudes...jesus.

"You won the war,
take it easy,

You don't have to
sell our vaginas."

I didn't get any,
because i don't want to know...

What if i love duck vaginas?

I don't want to find out.

It's not like millions
of things taste like

A fucking duck vagina,
it would be very specific

To be addicted to that.

Not for me.

I have this friend,
he has a phone that can "im,"

He can instant message, and so
now i really want him to die,

Because i'm sick of getting
these fucking messages

From him on his phone.
"I'm in a show store."

That's the whole message!

We're not secret agents, i don't
need to know where you are.

So i get this
message from him,

He says, "i'm on an
airplane in seattle."

So i wrote back and i said,

"Well, i hope
your plane crashes."

And he gets pissed off
and he calls me,

"Take it back, we're about
to take off."

I'm like, "fuck you,
i hope it crashes.

I don't have to take it back."

- Hope it crashes twice.

Hope it crashes
and kills half of you

And they go, "fuck it,
let's try again,"

And they take off
and crash again.

I hope that happens.

Sincerely i hope it.

And he...He tries
to make it...He goes,

"Well, how are you gonna
feel now if my plane crashes

After you went
and said that?"

I'm like, are you shittin' me?
That would be amazing!

To know that i can do that?

I'd happily trade your life for
knowledge of my powers.

He's one of those guys who just
makes you hate him,

Because, uh, you know when
you have a friend that you hate?

You can't break up with
your friends, you know?

He always starts conversations
that i don't want to have.

You know, he's like,
"hey, what would you do if you

Had a time machine?"
I'm like, fuck you.

I don't...

You know what?
I wouldn't use it.

I'd just let it
sit in my house.

I'd put a drink on it,
you know, i got a time machine,

I never even went in it.

I don't know,
i'm not interested.

I'd use it
to go back 30 minutes ago

And punch you in the fucking
face before you ask me that.

That's all.

- One use.

So he goes, "well,
here's what i would do."

'Cause of course that's
the whole fucking point

Of asking me, is to stare
at me while i say mine

And then say his.

So he said if
he had a time machine,

He would've
killed hitler, like,

He would go back
and kill hitler.

I love that he thinks
he could just kill hitler

Just 'cause
he just goes back there

And walk up and kill the dude.

And i was thinking,
that's a noble purpose

For a time machine,
i would do that.

But i would've
gone back with him

But i wouldn't
have killed hitler.

I would've raped him.
That's what i thought.

Because i think that
would've been enough,

I think that would've stopped
him from doing all that shit.

If he had been raped by me,

He never would've pulled
any of that stuff, man.

"Should we invade poland?"

"No, i'll just take a shower,
i don't feel good."

Low self-Esteem,
and, you know...

I'm not condoning rape,
obviously,

You should never rape anyone.

Um, unless you have a reason,
like you want to

Fuck somebody and
they won't let you,

In which case, uh...

What other
option do you have?

How else are you

Supposed to have an orgasm
in their body

If you don't rape them?
Like, what the fuck?

- Ha ha ha. Ok.

That's fucked up.

So, here's a weird thing
that happened to me.

I have this, uh,
i have this t-Shirt,

And it says
"awesome possum" on it.

And it's got a picture
of a possum.

I know it's stupid, but a friend
of mine gave it to me...

Fuck you, i bought it.
I thought it was cool.

But, uh, i...

I'd never seen anybody
with that same shirt before,

With the awesome possum shirt,

And i was in this coffee place
in I.A., You know,

Like a coffee...Not like, uh,
like starbucks,

Like an indie coffee place where
all the cool people go,

And they're like, ooh...

Eh...Heh...Eh...Heh...

They got their, like,
snow hats in the fucking summer

And all that shit, you know,
those cool people.

Huh, uh, and their ipods.

And they say cool things like,
"yeah, me, too."

Or whatever, you know.

And i just stand in the
doorway and fucking hate them.

I don't know why
i go to the place,

I think it's
'cause i hate them.

I just hate...

There's a certain part of
the culture i just hate.

'Cause i grew up in boston,
and in boston,

People just beat
the shit out of each other.

For no reason.

They just beat the shit
out of each other.

But i kind of think
you need that,

You know, to keep
quality control.

'Cause in places where
that doesn't happen,

People are just too free,

And fuckin'...They're
just a bummer, you know?

Like i was once on venice beach
and i'm jogging,

And there's this guy
rollerblading towards me.

And he's...He's got
rollerblades on,

And just a thong,
just a fucking thong,

That's just grabbing
this dick and balls

And just fighting with it,
going, "ah, stay in there!"

And then he's just totally
naked otherwise,

And he's got this
kenny "g" hair,

And he's just
rollerblading, like...

"I'm free!"

And i actually
had to stop jogging,

'Cause i needed my whole body
to fucking hate this guy with.

I had to just...

Stand there going,
"oh, you motherfucker."

Now i have to know
you exist, you piece of shit.

Fucking go skate into an aids
tree, you motherfucker.

- All right, now.

I don't know, i've started to
kind of hate people,

And it's not because
i have anything against them,

It's just i...I enjoy it,
it's just recreation.

Like, you know
when you're at the bank

And you got nothing to do while
you're waiting in line,

So you just pick people
to hate while you're waiting?

You just look at someone
and form an opinion

With no information.

And it's never positive.

Who fucking wastes their time...
"I bet he's a hard worker."

Who thinks about that shit?

Skip over those people.
Then you find a guy...

"Oh, look at his shoes,
what a fucking asshole.

"Ooh, look at that
piece of shit,

Hope he dies today.
Oh, god, i hate him."

"I hate him!"

You watch all the shit...

"Yeah, fill that out,
you fuck face.

"Fill it out. Yeah,
you filled it out, i knew it.

You suck."

He's just standing there,

He has no idea you're just
boiling with hate,

You know?

I feel people hating me
sometimes, you know,

Like, uh, i was
at the post office,

And i'm at the line...You know,
it was one of those things

Where there's a long line
and 1 window open.

So everyone is
just like, "aah!"

Everyone's mad.

But when you're in the line,
you're in the hate group.

You get to be part of the group,
and you're all looking

At each other going,
"huh, huh..."

"Hmm," like a silent movie
of impatient people, you know.

Then there's always 1 person
who breaks the silence,

Somebody who has an idea,
you know, like...

"They should open
another window."

And everybody's like,
"yeah, i know,

"Totally,
they don't even know.

They don't even know
how to do anything."

Then there's always
an old lady who has a story.

"I was here on wednesday..."

"And there was
also a line like this."

Holy shit, really?!

Oh, my god,
you fucking old lady,

That's amazing!

Well, anyway, then it's
your turn at the window, right?

And now everybody's
looking at you,

And you feel the scrutiny

Of how quickly you're
mailing your shit,

You start realizing
how unimportant your package is,

And you feel like they can tell.
"Fuck, get out of there.

You don't need to mail
that right now."

And it's like...

If you do 1 little
extra thing like,

"Do you have those stamps
that have jackie robinson?"

Behind your ear, like,
you hear, "pfff, jesus.

Fuck it, dude."

They put their shit down
heavily like, "fuck!

"Now this motherfucker's gonna
make me stand here

"While he buys fucking stamps
at the post office?

"Are you shitting me?

"Let's shit in his
mouth right now, seriously.

"Let's...You fucking hold
him down, and i will shit

Directly into his fucking
time-Wasting mouth."

But anyway, yeah,
so i was in the coffee place,

Uh, with the young people.

And they're...
"Ooh, heh, heh, heh,"

And i'm standing in the doorway
just fantasizing about

Walking around just hitting
their cups to the floor,

Like this, you know.

- Bagel, and coffee...

And bagel...

- Ha ha ha.

And i see this guy,
he's like 20 years old,

And he has
the "awesome possum" shirt.

Just like mine!

So, i went like this,
i went, like,

"Hey, nice shirt."

- And he went, "pfff."

And he walked away,
like i'm a piece of shit.

And i stood there,
and i was so mad,

I just thought,
"fuck him, man.

We have the same shirt!"

It's an unusual shirt.

It's perfectly appropriate
to fucking do this shit.

Why does he have to make me
feel like an old fag

Just 'cause i want
to make a connection

With another human being?

Is his generation
just too cool and ironic,

"Eh, ooh, that's lame.
The older guy wanted to...

Ooh, heh, eh."

Fucking young cunt,
i hope he dies.

Like, that's how...That's
how mad i was.

And as i'm standing there,
like, in that anger,

I look down and i realize
i'm not wearing the shirt,

I don't have it...

- Ha ha ha ha.

I don't know why i thought
i did, i just...

I saw his, and...
"Duh, me too, duh!

Duh!"

Hey, this is interesting.
The other day,

A guy told me
to suck a bag of dicks.

That was interesting.

I never heard that before.

Total stranger told me
to suck a bag of dicks.

- A whole bag of them!

He was angry,
he didn't just,

You know,
"suck a bag of dicks,"

Like a greeting.

"Oh, suck a bag of dicks
to you, too, sir,

Thank you very much."

- Yes.

It's a lovely day for
sucking several bags of dicks.

- Ha ha.

No, what happened was,
i...I cut him off in traffic.

It was just one of
those things where it just...

I had to get in, and no one
was in my car to judge me,

And i just fucking, you know,
i just decided...

He's not me, so i don't care
what happens to him,

And i just cut him off,

It was just
a shitty thing to do.

And it was bad,

'Cause he was coming fast
'cause he didn't imagine

In a million years someone
could be that big of an asshole.

And so when i did it,
he had to slam on his brakes,

And his dog went pff!
In the windshield,

It was really very bad.

Very bad.
And the worst part is,

When you cut people off,
they don't vanish,

They're behind you now, so...

Looking back and he's like,
"fucking ass!"

And he's so mad!

And he keeps trying
to get next to me,

'Cause he just wants to see
my fucking face.

He's just dying,
he's like,

"I gotta see
this cocksucker, now.

I gotta see the fucking face

Of the piece of shit
that just did that to me."

And i keep cutting him off,
'cause i don't want him

To see i'm ashamed of
what i did.

No...Nope you don't.

Finally we get to a red light,
and i gotta face him,

Only 'cause there's
a car in front of me,

Otherwise i would've fucking
blown right through there.

But there he is, just...

"Rr...Aah!" Just furious.

And i'm going, like,
"yeah, i know, it was awful,

"I shouldn't have
done it.

I'm not mad, i was wrong,
why would i be mad?"

And he's like,
"well, fuck you!"

Then he starts going
like this,

'Cause he wants me to roll
my window down.

Like i'm supposed to take part
in my own abuse,

During this argument.

"Oh, i'm sorry,
i don't want to miss this.

What do you have to say
about me, yes?"

"How rude of me to shut out
your anger with my..."

So i did, i rolled it down,
i'm interested.

And he goes, "hey, asshole!"
I'm like, "yeah?"

He says,
"suck a bag of dicks!"

- Then he drove away.

And i was kind of sad that he
drove away, because

I had a lot of questions.

That concept of sucking
a bag of dicks,

It's just weird.
Like, first of all,

When you picture
a bag of dicks...

What do you see when
you picture a bag of dicks?

Is it like a plastic bag
and they're all mushing together

Like chicken parts...

With a date written on it
with sharpie,

Keep it in the freezer.

Or is it, like, a paper bag
and they're sticking out

Like baguettes, kinda like?
You went shopping...

Bringing home the bag of
dicks for the kids.

Here you go, susie,
take a blue one, you know?

Ha ha ha, i don't know,
they were hanging

In a window somewhere,
"give me 2 of those."

And how do you
suck a bag of dicks?

What does he want
me to do?

Does he want me to take
a bag of dicks

And suck it...Like suck
the side of the bag?

Or do...Does he want
me to open the bag

And suck each dick individually?

Throw the used ones in a bowl
like edamame shells?

Like that?

Do i have to make them all
come? You know, like how...

I don't know, i never
even sucked 1 dick,

So it's not an area
that i understand.

I've never...I've never
sucked a dick.

Isn't that weird?
I've never sucked a dick.

My whole life.

That's weird to me.

- It is, it's weird.

Because almost everybody
has sucked a dick.

When you think about it,
most people on earth

Suck dicks.
It's true.

Because 51% of
the population are women,

And they suck dicks,
then there's all the gay guys

That suck dicks,
then there's all

The straight guys who have been
forced to suck a dick

Under various circumstances,

So, what,
there's only like

A thousand of us
out there who've...

Never blew anyone.

Just a bunch of selfish
assholes that are fuckin'

Gettin' blown and not
blowing back, you know?

It's like, that's what
people do,

We all fuckin' suck dicks and
i haven't done it, and...

I don't have, like,
a big reason not to, either.

I don't have a policy
against sucking a dick,

It's not something
i'm against doing,

I just have never seen a dick
i wanted to suck.

That's really what it
comes down to.

I've never seen a penis
that inspired me to suck it.

Every dick i've ever
seen has bummed me out,

I hate 'em, i...I hate them.

They ruin my day
when i see them,

But that's just so far.

I mean, what the fuck
do i know?

There might be the...This
guy right here might have

A beautiful dick,
this guy...

If i saw his dick...
- Woo!

I might go, "oh,
fuck, that shit's going

In my mouth right now,"
and i'd just fucking...

And i'd have to blow him.

Fucking hold him
down and blow him.

That's the kinda...I would,
like, rape blow people,

That's what i would...Like,
hold the guy down

And blow him to spite him.

That's the kind of shit
i would do.

Just to, you know...

I'm just saying
i'm not prejudiced.

I haven't seen that many,
there's billions...

Literally, billions
of dicks in the world,

And i've seen,
like, 40 at the most,

So how the fuck would i know?

What, is that too many?

Ha ha, yeah,
that's too many, right?

40, jesus christ.

I'm only 39, that's a dick
a year plus another one.

Why am i saying 40?

That's a lot.

That's like 2 bags
of dicks right there,

At least, 40 dicks?
All right.

I never understood
people, uh, uh...

Judging people
for the way they have sex.

Some people get angry at
homosexuals just for being gay,

They get mad at them, urr!

I never really
understood that, you know?

Because they're just
having sex with each other.

It's not...Like i could
understand if gay people

Were just running out
in the streets just

Fucking people in
the ass willy-Nilly,

Just like a pestilence.

Like, without asking,
you know?

Like you're at the atm,
"hey! What the fuck?

"Jesus, god damn it.

"Some faggot just
fucked me right in the ass.

"Seriously!

"Fucking right through my pants,
he fucking ruined my new pants.

This is fucking bullshit."

"Another one...
God damn it!

I gotta get the fuck home.
This is ridiculous."

But they generally
don't do that,

So i don't know what
the fucking problem is.

People get mad.
They don't want them to get...

"Don't get married."

Well, you don't have to
go to the wedding.

What the fuck? You don't have
to buy them anything.

It doesn't matter.
Some people go, like,

"Well, then a guy will
marry his dog."

Good, fucking...I hope
he blows his dog...

Who gives a shit?
It doesn't matter.

It doesn't have any effect
on your life.

What the fuck do you care?
Or people that try

To think...Talk like
it's a social issue.

Like when you see someone
stand up in a talk show

And say, "how am i supposed to
explain to my child...

That 2 men are
getting married?"

I don't know, it's your shitty
kid, you fucking tell them.

Why is that...
Anyone else's problem?

2 guys are in love
but they can't get married

'Cause you don't want to talk
to your ugly child

For fucking 5 minutes?

Who fucking cares about
your shitty kid?

He's probably
a faggot anyway.

How stupid is that?
All right.

stupid.

I don't know.

The only, um, thing that
bums me out, though,

Is that you're not supposed
to laugh at gay people

When they're funny.
'Cause sometimes they just are.

They're funny, like,
i lived in new york

For a lot of my life,
and in my neighborhood,

Everybody was gay,
and...And, you know, some guys

Are just a guy
walking down the street,

But some gay guys are a guy
in little shorts

And a half shirt,
and, you know,

Combat boots
spray-Painted green,

And a whistle, and he's
standing on the corner going,

"hello!
It's fucking hot outside."

That's not a stereotype.

Those guys fucking exist
by the thousands.

And when i see them
i laugh really loud,

I just do.

- And people are like,

"Don't laugh at him
'cause he's gay."

No, i'm not, i'm laughing
'cause he's fucking

Weird and silly!
He's hilarious.

How am i
supposed to react?

hello!

oh, hello, hello, yes?

seriousness is...Yes.

It's stupid.

The only...Actually, the one guy
i would blow, uh...

Based on...

Based on who he is,

Is ewan mcgregor. There is this
one guy out there,

I gotta say, that i have
no gay inclinations

Except for i met this
fucking dude in person,

I was working
on some awards show,

And there he's
standing, right there,

And i was like, fuck! Like,
i was just blown away.

Like, jesus christ,
he's fucking beautiful!

And he looked at me,
and he was like, "hello."

And i was like...
I fucking shivered,

Like, i started shivering,
like, fuck!

He's fuckin' gorgeous.

And like a week later,
i was just...I was, like,

Staring off into space
somewhere, and i realized...

Fuck! I was just daydreaming
about ewan mcgregor!

Like, seriously, i'm not gay
in any other way

Except for i want to fuck
that guy right in the face,

I totally want
to fuck his face.

I want to fuck the shit
out of his face.

I want him to fuck me.
I do, i want him to fuck me.

- Oh.

I don't really have a shot
with him, i think,

Because...

- Ha ha ha ha!

I just don't rape
movie stars, i'm not really...

I'm fucking fat.

It's ridic...Like,
i even wear...

Like, i have this
problem now, my pants keep...

Like, i can't keep them...
They won't stay up,

Because...Here's what happens.

Ok, you get fat, and some of
you skinny people...

Won't...I don't
give a shit about you,

Won't get this.
I hate skinny people because

They don't empathize with
fat guy problems.

They just don't...Like, you ever
have a skinny friend,

Your trying to tell them, like,
i just...I just wish

I could have 1 donut
and fucking walk away,

I wish i could do that,
i wish i had the power

To eat a donut, and...

And your
skinny friend's like...

Well, just eat the donut,
then, what's the big deal?

You should totally...

Just have a donut if
you want one,

You should totally
go ahead and have one.

Just enjoy yourself,
have a donut if you like them.

Fuck you, you don't get it.
It's a whole...

Spiral that begins
with the donut,

Later i'm killing hookers,

I don't even remember
what happened.

But, so,
here's what happens.

You get fat, and your pants
start to get tight.

Right? And then
you get fatter,

'Cause it's not like,
"oh, i'll stop eating now,"

You know?

And then suddenly,
all your pants fucking hurt.

Like, every
pair of pants hurts.

And then you eat even more,
'cause it's like,

"Fuck it now, man,
who even cares?"

Fat shit.
Fucking obsessed with food.

I went to this fucking,
uh, uh, thing with

My wife and kids
where it was like

The kids and their kid friends
and it's just a house

Full of assholes, you know,
that have kids.

And i'm just standing there,

"Fuck it, i just want
to kill myself."

I just want a bomb to drop
on the whole house

And take us all out.

And i get in there, but then
there's a plate of cookies.

And, like, as soon as i'm like,
that's what i'm doing,

I'm eating every fucking
cookie on that plate.

That's what i'm here...That's
what this all is,

Is fucking that.

So...And you have to have
a strategy, you know.

You can't just fucking, uh,
you can't just

Fucking stand there
and just fucking...

You have to, like, sort of
keep rediscovering

The cookies, you know?

You have to walk over,
go like, "oh, hey..."

So, who brought those?
That's cool...

You do this,
this means, like,

I totally could not eat it,
but fuck it, i'll just...

Don't want to hurt
the people's feelings

Who brought the cookies.

Mm, that's interesting,
i could take it or leave it.

Totally fucking radar
back there.

Ok, new people around the dish,
do it again..."Hey..."

If people start noticing,
you have to say something like,

"These are crazy, like,
i'm addic...

I don't know
what it is about them."

Yeah, it's the fucking
cookies,

It's not
"you're a piece of shit

That can't stop
eating anything."

But, um...

So here's
what happens, though,

You get fat enough, though,
what happens is

Your belly starts
to push out like this,

And then it pushes
your pants down

To your pelvis,
'cause they won't hang

In the normal place
anymore.

And then down there,
they feel loose,

And you start going,
"hey! Losing weight, eh?

I'm coming down!"

"My pants are getting loose,
i am getting thinner.

I ate my way through to
the other side, i did!"

Fuck it, i don't give a shit,
i'm fat. Look at this shit.

I don't fucking care.
Look at that.

- Woo!
- I don't care.

It's just a sweaty ball
of fucking flesh.

I don't care.

Look how fucked up this is, too,
it goes right in.

Like, it goes at a right angle
and hits my pelvis.

It doesn't, like,
slope back down.

It fucking goes in,
and then back up.

It's fucked up.

Like, when i'm in the shower
and i'm scrubbing like this,

When i get down there,
i gotta turn in like this,

I gotta actually
make a turn.

- I gotta fuckin' cut in...

Where the crevice gets
fucking filthy.

It's ridiculous.

It is, it's like
a theater seat.

There's like fucking...
Receipts and shit,

And popcorn, and...

Fucking kids toys,
and, oh, fuck, what the hell?

My body's just falling apart,
man, i got tits now, too.

I just got tits.

And that is a fucked up day
in a man's life...

When you look in the mirror
and you realize...Fuck, i got...

'Cause you don't see
them coming!

They're sort of pouting out,
little by little,

And then one day, they just
fucking fall a little,

And that's it,
you have tits.

And they're there
for good,

They're not gonna, like,
go back, it's fucking over.

That's the thing is that i'm 39,
i'm not gonna get better.

I'm not going to be
all ripped when i'm 48.

It's fucking over.

It's this or a lot worse
for the rest of my life.

But the tits were the worst,
'cause i used to laugh

At guys with tits, that shit
ain't funny to me anymore.

'Cause that was
an awful moment,

I'm just standing there looking,
and...Got all these feelings.

They must be the same
feelings that a teenage girl has

When she gets her tits!
It must be the same...

It's the only thing that
a 12-Year-Old girl

And a 40-Year-Old man
have in common is that moment.

- Nothing!

Have to carry my books
like this now.

I don't know.
You know what the thing is?

I don't give a shit.
I don't care about how i look.

I'm bald, i'm fat,
i don't give a fuck.

I'm married, i got 2 kids,
and my wife hates me,

What, am i gonna get laid
if i lose a few pounds?

Who fuckin' cares?

Like i'm gonna get mad pussy
if i suddenly look better?

No. That shit is over
for me forever.

And i'm glad, i really am.
I'm relieved.

Now when i see a beautiful girl
walking down the street,

I'm like, "hey, fuck you,
i don't give a shit."

Ew. Go fuck somebody else,
i'll jerk off to you later,

Probably have a better time.

Not like she would've fucked
the shit out of me anyway,

You know, like she would've
given me her best.

I never really got the best
out of a beautiful woman.

I had sex with
a few beautiful women,

And they didn't really rock out
on my dick so much.

It was more like, kind of like,
"all right, why not,

Give it a...He's kind of funny,"
you know, just sort of a...

Begrudging fuck

In a weird situation with a lot
of regret afterwards.

I've been there, like...I was
in oklahoma city,

And i slept with this
beautiful...Beautiful woman,

She was so hot,
and she got really drunk

And she fucked me,
and the next morning,

I wake up and she's looking
at me, she's like,

"Oh, god.
Oh, jesus christ.

Oh, my, i can't believe
ya'll got to fuck me.

I can't believe..."
She was so bummed out,

I feel like...I think she felt
like she had raped herself

With my dick, that's actually,
like, how she felt.

That's so weird to realize
that you were somebody's bottom,

Like, you are sobody's
place that they got to.

That they say you in their bed
and went, "oh, fuck.

"Ok, all right.

"I gotta totally stop
all this shit now.

"Fuck...

"F...I gotta...Oh, i gotta
go back to school,

"I gotta fuckin'...

Reconcile with my dad,
i...Oh, fuckin' shit."

I never had a period in
my life where i was, like,

Really going hog-Wild
with the babes.

I had a...It was late for me
when i started having sex,

I was 18 before
anything happened to me,

Uh, my girlfriend
gave me a hand job.

First thing that happened
to me sexually ever,

And i mean, it was awesome,
it was great.

Because, uh, nobody had
ever touched my dick,

Nobody in the world
had touched my dick.

My dick had touched
a lot of things...

Because...

That's what you do when
you're a young boy,

You touch your dick to many
surfaces around the world,

Just fucking looking for
anything that feels

Good enough...That, uh, you don't
have to talk to a girl.

That's the whole...

But finally i got this
girlfriend,

And we're making out,
and she reached down,

And she put her hand
around my dick,

And i fuckin' lost...First of
all, i came immediately,

And also i started
farting as i came.

And...

Ha ha ha ha,
no...I started farting,

It wasn't just...Ph, ph, ph!

It was throughout,
and she's laughing.

Phh, phh..."Ha ha ha ha!"

That's how
my sex life started, ok?

That's how it started.

Fucking shame and depression.

Before that, i was, uh,
it was just me

Masturbating copiously,
happily, i loved it.

When i discovered masturbation,
i was so happy.

I loved it,
everybody loves it,

Nobody's..."Uh,
this fucking sucks,"

It's pretty
universally liked.

But, uh...

I, um,...

I remember when
i first started,

And i thought i was
the only one doing it.

And then i told
my friend jeff,

And, uh, he was doing it, too.

So we start...That's
his real name, too,

It's kind of fucked up
that i'm saying his name,

But anyway, we were...

We were comparing notes
about how we masturbated.

And i did it, you know,
well, i was 11,

So i was going
like this, which...

I actually did it like this
for a long time,

'Cause nobody teaches you
how to jerk off.

So, like, even once my dick
grew, i kept doing it like this.

And then i saw a movie
where somebody went like that,

And i was like, "oh, fuck,
the whole hand!

That is genius!"

Awesome!

Easily one of the best fucking
things i ever discovered.

I still sometimes...This
is, ah, so smart.

So smart to use
the whole hand, awesome!

To this day,
and i'm like, fucking, uh,

Whoever...Fucking,
yeah, awesome.

But anyway, jeff did it
totally differently.

Jeff didn't, uh,
he...Would lie on his stomach.

He would lay on his stomach
and press his dick

Into his palm
really hard,

And he enjoyed the pressure.

And, uh, some kids
do it like that,

I looked it up...By the way,
it fucks your dick up

So don't do it,
don't do it, it's...

It does fuck your dick up,
but he didn't know

So he was pushing
his dick into his palm,

And i think sometimes
he would put a book

On the other...Behind
his hand, like,

He just liked the pressure.

And he couldn't get
enough pressure,

So he said to me,
maybe if i sat on his ass

While he did this...

- It would be better.

So i did, i sat on his ass...

And i remember that moment,
i'm sittin' on jeff's ass...

While he jerked
himself off,

And i remember thinking
to myself,

Isn't this gay
that i'm doing this?

Or am i just
a really good friend?

Maybe i'm just
a good friend.

It's weird to think now
that i fucking sat on

An 11-Year-Old boy's ass
while he masturbated.

I mean, i was 11,
so it was cool.

Now i'd get fucking
crucified for that shit.

- Ha ha ha!

I didn't know
what i had, boy.

Eh, let her go.

All right, easy...wheezy.

- Hah, anyway...

So now i'm married,
and, uh,

The sex is very different
when you're married

'Cause it doesn't,
uh, exist, actually.

I was talking to a friend
of mine about how my wife

And i don't really
fuck anymore, and he said,

"Well, does she
blow you at least?"

What are you, fucking high?

You think she's blowing me?

Who wants to blow
their husband?

Who the fuck would want to...

What a bummer to blow
your husband.

You don't want
to blow your husband,

You want to blow your date,
that's who you want to blow.

You want to blow
a guy you've been dating,

And you don't
quite know him yet.

He comes over and picks
you up, "ooh!

"That's a new shirt,
i never saw that shirt on him.

It's very handsome."
You go to dinner,

He's like,
"here, try this."

"Oh, new things,
i like new things."

Tells you something funny,
makes you laugh, "ooh!

He shouldn't say that,
oh, he shouldn't, oh."

Tells you a sad story,
"oh...Oh, my god..."

You go back to his place,
you suck his cock,

And you go home,
that's the proper context

For a blowjob.

Nobody wants to
blow a guy and then

Go to ikea with him
all day, that's not fun.

Do his shitty laundry,
and then he comes out,

"Hey, suck my dick, ok?

Will you suck
my dick right now?"

"Yes, i'm fucking dying to suck
your smelly old fucking

"Disgusting dick for
the thousandth time.

I can't fuckin' wait."

My, um, my wife
gave me a hand job,

Uh, the other day,
and, uh,

I gotta tell you that i think
that that hand job

Was probably the saddest thing
that ever happened

In america, it really was...
The saddest fucking thing.

That hand job
was so tragic,

There should be, like,
a monument to that hand job...

With a reflecting pool
where you just sit and think,

Oh, that was fucking sad.

Little thing where you
put rocks on it

And think about it,
and, you know...

Ha ha ha.

Here's what happened.

I'm gonna tell you about
this hand job.

Um...

My wife and i were home
in the middle of the day,

Uh, the baby was asleep
on our bed,

The 4-Year-Old is wherever
the fuck she goes all day...

And, um...

My wife and i are
sitting on the couch,

Just sitting there, just fucking
married on the couch, you know?

Just...And my wife looked
at me, and i don't know

Where she got this sort of
sense that i was...

She said something like,

"Hey, we have to go to that
thing for the..."

And i was like, "oh,
who gives a shit?"

Like, i don't know what it was
that tipped her off

That i was starting
to feel real bad...

Here's the thing...
Is that as far as sex,

For guys it's just not comp...
We just need to release,

That's all it is,
we just...We just need it.

Women, it's like a fucking
emotional thing,

Where they need...We need to come
just 'cause we need to,

Women, it's like
they get into it.

They shiver and then
they lie on their side and cry

After and all that
kind of shit.

But...But for guys

It's just something that
we need to do so that

We won't murder people,
that's all it is, really.

Just maintenance,
open the fucking valve

Once in a while, please.

The city should put a red tag
on the dick that

Has a psi level that's
unacceptable.

And my wife always
waits till it's fucking

Way...Like,
till it's critical.

She lets it go so long,
until finally

We're sitting on the couch
and she looks at me...

"Ok, we're gonna all be
in the paper tomorrow

If i don't fucking do
something."

So...

She doesn't want to fuck me,
she doesn't want to blow me,

So she looks at me
and she goes...

"Well...would you like
a hand job?"

I'm like, "uh, yeah,
that sounds awesome."

So we go upstairs to my
daughter's room,

'Cause it's the only
empty room in the house...

- Ohh!
- Hey, you know what?

Fuck you, i pay the rent,

I'll shit on her bed if
i want to. Seriously.

Let me have a fucking
hand job in my house.

It's all i get.

It's not me, she won't
jerk me off

In the living room 'cause
there's too much nice shit

I'm not allowed to come on.
That's the whole thing.

I don't even get to enjoy
my orgasm,

'Cause the second i'm coming
she's pointing my dick

Away from stuff, "ew,
oh, careful!"

She points it into
my bellybutton, like,

"Make it go back in there,
can it go back in?"

All right, so i'm lying on
the floor in my daughter's room,

Looking up at the mobile
of fucking ducks

In airplanes...

What does a fucking duck
need with an airplane?

What does a baby
give a shit?

So i'm laying there on
the floor, and my wife is just

Sitting next to me,
just...In her bathrobe,

Just...

And weirdly, i'm not
getting off on this.

The fucking woman

Grimacing and tugging
on my penis dryly

While basically reading
"people" magazine

At the same time...

It's not that...I'm not getting
off on it for some...

It's taking me a while
to come, and she starts

Getting impatient,
she's like, "come on!

Come on!"

Like yelling "come on" into
my dick, seriously.

At one point,
i wanted her to lick her palm.

I got this idea,
maybe if she licks her palm,

There will be some semblance of
something going on.

And so i had to...You gotta
approach asking for those things

Carefully, you can't just go,
"hey, lick your palm!"

Like that, 'cause that'll
ruin whatever mood

There already isn't.

- So, i go, like, "ehh.

"Could you...maybe
lick your palm?

Lick your palm?
Lick your palm?"

She's like, "what?"

"Lick your palm...lick..."

- "Lick...your palm..."

She goes, "what the fuck
are you saying to me?"

You know what she
thought i said

She thought i said,
"you look like your mom."

So now i gotta get
that out of my head.

I'm trying to fucking,
like, close my eyes,

And fantasize that
she gives a shit,

Nothing's working.

And finally she goes, "hey,
i'm getting really tired."

So you know what i did?
I finally just took

Her hand in my hand,
and i just jerked myself off.

With her hand!

She's like, "oh, thank you,
that's much easier that way."

That has to be
the lowest form of sex

That's even fucking possible!

To just be jerking myself off
with my tired wife's hand.

She might as well be dead at
that point, seriously,

She might as well be
a fucking corpse.

I came home and found
her dead and..."Fuck it,

I'm getting one more before
i call the police."

Just one more,
who is it hurting?

I'm not hurtin' nobody.
I'll call 9-1-1.

She's not getting
any better.

- Cops find dna on her wrist.

"Hmm...

"She gave him a hand job
and then died of shame, i think.

I don't know
what happened."

- I don't know.

It's really the kids
that do you in.

We have 2 kids, that's fucking
stupid, don't do that,

Because you just...It
also...It...Mainly what it does

To a marriage, it just
changes the way that you think

About your spouse,
'cause when you're married,

When you first get married,
you have a relationship

That's so important to you,
and you're working on it

Together, but then
you have a kid,

And you look at your kid
and you go, "holy shit,

"This is my child,
she has my dna,

She has my name.
I would die for her."

And you look at
your spouse and go,

"Who the fuck are you?
You're a stranger.

Why do i take shit
from you?"

But it's really...It's the kids
that make it very hard.

We have 2...We have,
uh, a baby,

And i don't really know
the baby, to tell you the truth,

Because she hasn't
said anything,

So i don't really
know her.

Uh...

I like her, she's fine,
but i don't know her.

How do i know
what she's really like?

Maybe she fuckin' hates jews,
i don't know,

I don't know nothing
about her.

People ask about her
all the time, they're like,

"Hey, what's your baby like?"

She's a fucking baby,
what do you want...

You ever seen a baby?

That's exactly what
my baby's like.

"But what's going on
with your baby?"

Jesus. She got fired
from target,

And, uh...

She's getting an abortion.
It's been a tough year,

But otherwise, you know...

It's not a very complicated
relationship with a baby.

You...It's just somebody
i have to make not die,

That's really what
the whole thing is.

And, there...I'm better at it
sometimes than others.

Um, one time i took my daughter
to the grocery store,

And i had to put her in
the stroller.

She won't go on
the fucking cart.

She's the only baby
in the world

That won't go in the shopping
cart and sit there.

You try to put her there
and her legs curl up,

And she goes, "waah!"
Fucking psycho,

So i gotta put her in
a stroller,

And i got a cart,
and i'm pushing them both

Through the fucking
supermarket.

And then i...Ok,
so i'm done shopping,

And then i go out
to the parking lot.

And i open the car...First
i start the car

Before i put them in there,
'cause i want it to get

Nice and cool
'cause i love her,

So i have to make it nice
and comfortable.

Look, i do, i love
my children, i love my wife,

I wish i didn't.

How awesome would that be
to wake up one morning,

"Fuck it, i don't feel nothing
for these assholes,"

And just walk out the door.

But so far,
no such luck.

So, i start the a.C.,
Then i put the groceries in,

Then i go to get my daughter
out of the stroller,

I got down there, and i realize
that the exhaust pipe

Is right in her
fucking face,

It's just
fucking...Brrr!

I'm like, "fuck!"

I almost killed my kid
in the dumbest

Fucking way ever!

If she died like that,
i couldn't tell her mom.

I couldn't fucking go home
with that story.

"I put her and i fucking,
i don't know, i...

"Didn't realize...
Fuck you.

I just...I don't know."

I'd have to throw her
into traffic, "help!"

You know, that would
be better...

To actually tell her that
i threw her into traffic.

The other kid we have is, uh,
she's a girl and she's 4,

And she's also
a fucking asshole.

Um...

It's true, man.
I'm serious.

I say that with no remorse.

Fucking asshole.
She's a deutschebag.

She is!

Fucking jerk.

The other day, i'm like,

"Put your shoes on,
we're trying to leave.

"Put your shoes on, please.
Put your shoes on.

Put your shoes on."

How many times can you
say that to somebody before

You just want to kick them
right in the fucking face?

Seriously, if you're
with a group of people

That are trying
to go somewhere,

And you can't go...You can't go,
because a member

Of your party just
refuses to put their shoes on,

That person is
a fucking asshole. Ok?

You don't do that to people,
imagine being with a group...

"Hey, we can't go."
"Why?"

"'Cause fucking bill won't
put his shoes on,

He just won't
put them on."

"Fuck, bill,
what's your problem?"

"I don't want to put them on."

Fuck you!

Fucking kid sucks, seriously,
the other day i'm...

I walk in the kitchen,
she's talking to my wife.

She says, uh, "mama,
i saw a doggy today."

And i was like, "really?
Where did you see a doggy?"

And she's like,
"i'm telling mama, not you."

I'm like,
hey, fuck you.

I'm just asking to be
nice anyway.

What, you think i actually

Give a shit
about the dog you saw?

Like that was gonna be
an awesome story

That you saw a fucking dog.

Who gives a shit?

I got better stories than you,
i have an interesting life.

I'm on fucking television
and i won an emmy,

You don't ask what fuckin'
happened to me today,

You little bitch.

- No, ha ha ha ha.

I didn't say that
to her, obviously.

But that's the thing,

Nobody ever calls her
on her bullshit.

That's how she got to be
an asshole in the first place.

Nobody just goes,
"ah, fuck you. You don't know."

I'd love to for 1 day,
just fucking...

Be totally honest..."Oh,
you drew a dog?

"Let me see that.
That's not how it looks.

"Are you shittin' me?
That's a scribble.

"That's nothing, that's not
even a anything.

"Show me a dog that looks like
that, i'll give you $1,000.

Seriously."

Ah, fucking, uh,
the other day i was just, like,

Just dreaming about just
fucking kicking her.

Like, kicking her
out a window, you know,

Just fucking...Pff!

I would never
fucking hurt her,

But i want to...I do,
you know?

One time my daughter
had a black eye

Because, uh, she walked into
a door 'cause she's stupid.

And, um...

She had a little black eye,
and i took her to ice cream...

We went to an
ice cream place,

And everybody in
the ice cream place is like,

Giving me a dirty look.

And i realize,
they think i hit her!

And she has
a black eye now,

That's why i'm taking her
to ice cream.

That's what they think.

And i was so insulted,

I wanted to say,
hey, fuck all of you, ok?

She's this big.

You think if i hit her
she'd have a black eye?

She'd be fucking decimated!

There'd be nothing there.
Look at this shit.

I would ruin her head
with one punch...Easily.

She has no defensive skills.
She fucking sucks.

She'd be like, just smiling
at me and...Pff!

There'd be just fucking...

Just a dent there
like a fucking bomb went off.

I don't know,
i love my daughter,

But people really
don't get what it's like

With a kid full-Time,
you know...

We...We parents make you
love our kids

'Cause we dress them up
and take them out.

Look at her...And everybody
goes, "ohh...nice."

But you don't know
what she's like

When she comes home,
the dress comes off,

She fucking rubs
her ass in mud,

She's fucking gross.

She won't fucking
take a bath, like, you can...

Once you have a baby,
you can't force...

Fuck her, let her sleep
in her clothes,

I'm not dealing
with it tonight.

Her hair gets clumpy,
she stinks.

Sometimes it's like,
fucking, ugh!

Just fucking rancid,
stinky fucking kid.

She fuckin'...

In front of people...
She like scratches her asshole

In front of people, like,

Fucking deep asshole
scratching...

In the fucking panties.

And then she smells
her finger.

That's the kind of
person i'm talking about.

She's disgusting!

The other day, i come home,
and she's just laying

On the carpet with
just...Spread eagle naked,

And she's just stretching
her vagina open,

Ing, "aah!"

Just fucking...

Fucking holding it open.
I'm like, fuck!

Shit, ok.

Wow.

- That's...wow.

Don't react.
I can't...I can't go,

Aah! I can't do that,
that'll fuck her up.

Just go, hello,
hi, how are you?

- Hi, how's school? Ok.

"Aah!"

I don't know what the fuck
to do about it, either.

'Cause she does it
all the time, and i can't...

I don't want to stop her!
'Cause you know what?

She's happy.

That's the happiest
i've ever seen any person

In my entire life.
That's a fucking human being

At their happiest,
just, "aah!"

That's what we all wish
we could do!

We should all
be doing that, but...

We gotta fucking
stop it, though,

'Cause she'll be
fucking homeless

If she doesn't cut
this shit.

So, yeah,
it's fuckin'...

My wife, um,

Took the kids out
the other day when she...

She just...The most
amazing thing is when...

When you get to be
alone in your house.

As a dad, you never get to be
alone. Or as a mom.

But when the other parent
takes the kids out,

And you're alone,
that's fucking awesome.

And i think
i'm getting older,

'Cause the way i use that time
has totally changed.

I used to have, you know,
jerk fest 2006,

Are you shittin' me?

Jerking off
in my own house...

Alone, in my own bed...

Taking my time,
go through my wife's shit

For pictures of her friends
i want to fuck,

Everything was awesome!

But i'm older now,
so i don't do that.

I don't care about that.

Now when everybody leaves,
you know what i do?

I just shit for hours.
I take a big, long...

Beautifully private shit,

With nobody fucking with me.
That's my dream...

In life...
Is to take a shit

Without people
fucking with me.

'Cause when you have kids,
first of all,

The other parent starts
banging away on the door,

"Get out of there!
Help me!"

Or my 4-Year-Old walks in
while i'm shitting.

She just fucking
walks in the room

And does a little dance.

I'm like,
get out of here!

My asshole is this big, i'm
pushing a shit out right now,

I don't want to see
a cute face at this moment.

That's traumatizing.

And i...And so when they leave,
even if i don't have to,

I just shit for a fucking hour,
my ass dries out,

I don't care. I stay there
'cause i love shitting.

That's how old i am,
i love to shit.

It's my favorite thing.

I don't know why they
call it number 2,

I think it's easily
the best one.

In my book, it's number 1.

Ha ha.

but, uh, no, it's...

It's hard, having kids
and being married,

It's difficult, and,
you know, whatever, but...

One thing that's
made me...It's impossible

For me to have any sympathy
for single people.

I just don't give a shit
about single people.

I don't dislike single people,
but i don't get...

Whenever single people
complain about anything,

I really want them to just
shut the fuck up.

Because first of all,
if you're single,

You life has no consequence
on the earth.

Even if you're helping
people aggressively,

Which you're
fucking not,

Nobody gives a shit
what happens to you.

You can die, and it
actually doesn't matter.

It doesn't. Your mother
will cry, whatever.

But otherwise, nobody
gives a shit.

I can't die,
i got 2 kids

And my wife doesn't
fucking work.

So i don't get to die.
I can't die.

I love her, but she's
a painter, great.

Paint a dollar and take
some pressure off, please.

But so...

But single people,
when you...When you...

They complain,
like, we don't complain.

When you ask a parent,
"hey, how's the family?"

We go, "great."
That's all we ever say.

It's never fuckin' great,
but we say great,

'Cause we're not
gonna tell you,

"Well, my wife assassinated
my sexual identity,"

And, "uh, my children
are eating my dreams."

We don't fucking
bother you with that.

We just say, "great."

But if you ask a single
person, "how's it goin'?"

They're like,
"well, my apartment doesn't

"Get enough southern light,
and the carpeting

Is getting
a little moldy..."

You know what you should do?
Burn it down and kill yourself,

'Cause nobody
fucking cares.

"My girlfriend doesn't
like the same music as me,

And she acts
bored at parties..."

Fucking call her
and say, "fuck you,"

And hang up
and leave her!

You can end that shit
with a phone call.

I need a fucking gun
and a plane ticket

And bleach and shit,
i need a whole bunch of...

Thank you guys very much,
you've been really great.

Good night. Thank you.