Original subtitles

- We have a meeting with, like, a super-rich client.

He's so busy that 6:00 a.M. Is the only time he could meet.

Liz! - Yeah?

- Honestly, you need to wake up. - Mm-hmm.

I'm sleepy.

- This client could be the one who changes the game for us,

Because, honestly, our company is out of money.

The company is in trouble, and I'm gonna save it,

Even if it means that we have to work with the devil himself.

[dramatic music]

- All right, let's get this consultation "schnarted," right?

[laughs]

- I'm liz.

I bankrupted the company,

And now it's time for me to grow up,

'cause I'm looking for love.

- And I'm liz.

I got bangs!

- Our p.R. Firm is called publizity.

- It's based off our names.

- I love your show. I'm a huge fan of your show.

- Oh, my god. - Oh, my god.

- Honestly, I'm modest. - You go.

- I'm, like, bashful. I'm, like, modest.

- You're so shy and small, and you're so loud and huge.

- Oh, my god, thank you.

- I need to do a full conversion to judaism,

And I need it done now.

- Oh, wow. - That's cool.

- Ever since I flat-lined, like, I just love jews, you know?

Like, they're so funny.

So I need to become a man, or whatever,

So that's bar mitzvah.

- You're gonna have a bar mitzvah.

- So I'll learn yiddish

And then get carried around on a chair by men.

- Oh, my god, welcome to the tribe.

What I'm hearing is that you want to have

Something, like, fun that's, like, jew...

- You know, "jewmanji."

- "jewmanji."

- Like, respectful to the religion of judaism,

But, like, also just disgusting.

- Jumanji is one of my favorite

Bonnie hunt movies that there is.

- I have tons of money. - Mm.

I need to be with a socially appropriate man,

Someone who's upstanding, like wendy.

You are literally such a stud.

It's like, what the hunk? - Thank you.

- Oh, yeah.

- There's got to be a christmas tree at some point,

Because otherwise my parents won't pay for it.

- I think it's really cool that you're gonna have christmas

At your own bar mitzvah, because, like, honestly,

I'm just trying to say, like, whatever I can

To close this deal.

For me, it's a very personal mission,

Because, like, I want to right the wrongs

Of my own bat mitzvah,

Which was, like, a very traumatic experience for me.

Oh, my god, it's happening. Oh, my god.

- And then I need to get, like, bris'd out.

I need to cut my dick apart.

It's, like, no big deal,

Because it's already a little disease-y there.

Over the years, my penis has because kind of "infarcted,"

So, like, it's gonna be good to just cut it off.

- He's rich. He's impotent.

I'm interested.

- [snorts] oh, my god, I just had an amazing idea.

Wendy shawn, you're gonna have a bris mitzvah.

- What? - Oh, my god.

- You just come up with that? - Mm-hmm.

We'll get the doctor or rabbi to perform the bris hisself.

- Right. - Oh, no.

My girlfriend's gonna perform the bris--

A gorgeous jewess.

I can't believe I'm getting chubbed up by a jew.

- I think he's having a real "barkthrough."

- Would you honor me by letting me take you out

To l.A. Deli to get a nosh?

- Oh, my god, "congraturitos."

- You're girlfriend's gonna do it.

- The whole thing is about her.

I'm kind of proposing to her after I convert.

- Oh, my god, that's so beautiful.

So, like, you haven't locked it down yet.

Like, you haven't asked that specific jewish woman.

Like, you could ask another jewish woman.

Like, there are, like, different jewish women, like, around.

- This is gonna be so "farn."

- Wha-- - did you say it was "farn"?

- W-wait?

- "farn."

- Oh, my god.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

Are you circumcised?

- I am not circumcised.

Uncircumcised guy here.

My penis is a little, tiny white shrimp,

And it's got a turtleneck on.

[laughter]

- Has a girl ever been surprised by it?

- No.

They're not, like, full of joy or any--

Well, they don't--

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- What do you see?

- I see a dead girl in the trash.

- People are gonna think you're the one

Killing these dead girls.

- Sometimes I wish it was.

Crazy couple years,

With all the women in my life getting murdered.

[gunshot]

That girl's dead.

This girl's dead.

That girl's dead. That girl's dead.

- We already know they're dead.

- I'm telling you, these are all connected.

- Aw, give me a flippin' break.

- Why don't you come over to my place

For a nice home-cooked meal with me and my family, hmm?

- He'll be there.

That's an order.

[laughter]

- So, logan, I hope my daughter here

Isn't giving you too much trouble.

- Yeah, as long as she's not the one

Murdering all those girls.

- Ugh. I forgot to tell you.

All the girls in his family are dead.

- Times two.

- Aren't you gonna eat something?

- Yeah, I think I'm gonna have a liquid dinner tonight.

[chuffs, snorts]

Shh.

P'tt.

[cell phone ringing] - got another amber alert?

- No, an autopsy rep--

Oh, yeah, and another amber alert.

- No phones at the table.

- Hey, not so fast. - Oh, my god.

- "oh, my god," is right. There's been another murder.

We got to get out of here now.

[inhales deeply]

- Let's go.

- You know who you remind me of?

- Who?

- My two dead daughters.

- ♪ big money, big dough ♪

- This is your bachelor party?

- This is just a ceremonial cleansing that we have

For the jewish culture.

- It's called a mikveh.

- Yeah, I know what a mikveh is,

But I didn't think they were supposed to have it

In [bleep] party suites.

- So everything's in place.

- You're gonna slice your "pernis"?

- I just need one last thing.

All I need is your blessing.

- No. - Come on!

I just--everyone's here.

Like, I'm really stressing the blessing.

- Wendy, you've been giving me [bleep]

For being half-jewish my whole life.

- Well, I'm half-sorry, okay? - So what do you want from me?

- I want to be in the tribe.

You must give me your "blarsing."

- No. - Give it to me.

- No, wendell!

- [gagging]

- Yeah, your family owns glass.

Well, now you're gonna eat glass, wendell.

Ow!

Cheap-shotting little [bleep] jew.

Ah!

- [screaming]

[bones crack]

[both groaning]

Give... [bones crack]

Me...

- Ah!

- Your...

- Ah!

- Blessing!

- Not my "parnky."

[bones crack]

[groaning]

Fine.

You "tartally" have...

My "blarsing."

Ugh.

- Toda raba, baby.

[groaning]

Weird, I don't actually feel that much different.

[chuckles]

Sorry I had to get all ufc on you.

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- Liz is late, and it means

I have to get everything ready out here

For the judeo-christian-themed jungle after-party.

- Okay, I understand.

- You understand, cassandra?

Do you really understand, honestly?

'cause, like, you're pretending

Like you're saying words that you understand--

Okay, the menorah's here.

So I don't know what you need to figure out,

But you just need to, like, figure it out.

We bought two tropical parrots.

We have to take care of them for the rest of their life.

We're going all out!

We bought these birds for one day of work,

And then we're gonna have to take care of them

For, like, 100 years.

That's how committed we are at publizity

To make an amazing event.

- Well, "go big or go home."

That's what I always say.

- What you always say?

What did she just always say?

- It's just an expression. - Oh, my god, liz.

Like, why is my boss friend in tears right now?

Like, what did you do? - I got to go.

- Okay, great to see you, cassandra.

- Thanks so much, cassandra. Great work.

- Like, where were you?

- Honestly, liz, like, this is really hard,

For me to see, like, a newly minted,

Like, jewish hunk like wendy become part of our faith

And then, like, propose to someone who's, like, not me.

Like, that's, like, very "buttersweet."

- Obviously, our company would be much better served

If I went inside to run the whole event.

But I can't go in there because of all the painful memories

I have of my own bat mitzvah.

I had to, like, change my theme at the last minute.

It was, like, really...

And then one of the boys finally danced with me

And said I should have had a bar mitzvah

'cause I was, like, so tall and masculine.

[squealing, crying]

My voice cracked, and the rabbi laughed at me,

And so, like, it was all very complicated...

[slurring indistinctly]

Oh, cool. The christmas tree's here.

- Oh, cool.

- I have so many unresolved issues.

But, like, it did get me interested

In, like, event planning.

[dramatic music]

[bell tolls]

- ♪ he's wendy shawn ♪

♪ he's going jewish ♪

♪ he's wendy shawn ♪

♪ he's in the tribe now ♪

- [speaks hebrew]

Hey.

Hello.

My family.

Welcome to my bris mitzvah.

Today I become a manischewitz.

[laughter]

This isn't just about this barack obamulke

And this tallit kweli.

[laughter]

So fun. Wow.

There's one more thing

That will make me a hundo percento judaico,

And that is...

Cutting my dick off, for some reason.

Take a pikachu at what we're doing, all right?

Because this is my penis.

[claps hands] "jewmanji."

Thanks. "jewmanji," "jewmanji."

Thanks, weirdos.

- Thank you. - All right.

Partnering with a woman of judaic ancestry

Has suddenly become insanely important to me

Now that I want to join the tribe.

And I'm so, so happy

That my personal doctor/mohel

Also happens to be my best "gohel."

There will be a big surprise involving her

At the end of this bris mitzvah.

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

That's the surprise at the end that I just ruined.

- And cue the doctor.

- Ladies and gentlemen...

Mimi.

She's gonna cut my dick with a razor blade.

[dramatic music]

"hellar"?

[claps hands]

[crowd murmuring] - where is she?

- Is there a mohel in the house? Come on!

Rabbi shmuley? No?

Someone's got to cut my dick off!

- It's a runaway bris.

It's a runaway bris.

[crowd murmuring]

- Runaway bris? - It's a runaway bris.

- Oh, my god, that's so rude.

- I got the call. Where's the patient?

Both: Ohh...

Hello.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Dr. Neuringer, you've been pranked.

- I thought something really bad had happened.

I was in the middle of a bris.

Both: A bris?

- Well, technically, it was a christmas bris mitzvah miracle.

- Oh. Sure. - Mm, sure.

- Yeah, for my boyfriend, wendy.

- It seems like you might have

Some conflicting emotions about this.

- At my age, I don't know if love is really

The most important part of the picture.

- At her age, she doesn't have a lot of options.

Let me tell you something, doctor.

I got divorced when I was 46 years old.

46 and single.

What was I gonna do?

But then I saw a little ad in the newspaper,

Just about that big,

And it said, "nude massage."

For 75 bucks, a hawaiian woman

Came over and gave me a rubdown.

And her adult son would wait in the car.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

- Love isn't perfect.

- Love is possible.

- But there is...

- Friendship.

- Friendship.

- Friends are the family that we choose.

- We choose you.

- That is so sweet of you guys.

- And now we want you to have something else.

- Too much tuna.

- Now, bring it in, now, now, now.

- [chuckling]

- It's so big.

- I mean, look how stupid that bread looks

On top of that big mountain of tuna fish.

- Why did you order it?

- I didn't order it. You guys pranked me again.

- You're dumb as a dog.

[upbeat orchestral music]

- Do you know anyone who's had an adult circumcision?

- I do. I knew someone who was dating someone

And wanted him to be circumcised,

And he did it.

- And are they still together? - [laughing] no.

- [laughs]

- They broke up a little bit after.

- You're jewish, right? - Of course.

- Why don't you just cut my ding-dong?

- Me?

- I've got to propose to someone today.

[sweeping orchestral music]

- Hang tight, everyone.

- Ahh.

- I feel like I'm looking at a basket

Of different-shaped bread.

- Some penises look like pizza dough, okay?

- You know what? I can't do this. I'm sorry.

- What? - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- What do you mean you can't?

- I guess it's time for dr. Armond

To make an appearance.

- Oh, my god!

Dr. Armond!

[upbeat jazzy music]

- I was accused of murdering my wife.

- Freeze! - She has no pulse.

I lost my reputation, my money,

And I damn near lost my mind.

And the icing on the cake

Was that my beautiful wife, shannon, was still alive.

The only problem-- I wasn't.

Some people think I'm a ghost,

But really, I'm just an angel playing cupid,

And I'm having the time of my afterlife,

Because armond is everywhere.

- ♪ bring your lovin' back to me ♪

- How are you, kiddo?

- Well, it's not fun for me,

Like, not knowing how to cut off,

Like, the very "t" of this guy's "d."

You know what I mean?

- Doing a circumcision is easy. It's just like neutering a dog.

- Oh.

- Excuse me, it's nothing like neutering a dog.

- No?

- You'll have to excuse me, liz.

In the afterlife, my brain gets a little bit cloudy,

'cause that's where I live.

- I did not know he was dead.

[dramatic music]

- Don't you know that anytime you care about a girl,

Another girl dies?

- We're closed. You can't be here.

- My whole family's dead girls,

So I go wherever the heck I want.

Admit it.

You're the one killing all those dead girls.

- What girls?

- Those girls.

- What?

Nothing's as it seems.

Am I right, hall?

Guess I really cared about her.

I hope you don't have a daughter and I never meet her...

Whew...

'cause she'll be dead in a week.

Boy, this day just got really crummy.

- ♪ the best is yet to come ♪

- Have you watched all of dead girl town yet?

- Uh, I'm two episodes away from the end of dead girl town.

- And what do you think so far?

What do you think's gonna happen?

- I think the girls are gonna end up being alive.

- Really?

Is there anything on the web about it yet or no?

- I will read recaps,

'cause I miss stuff in the episode,

But I stay away from spoilers.

- Do you read recaps for real in real life or no?

- Yeah. - You do?

- I actually take great pleasure from it.

- I am not a detail guy. - Mm-mm.

- I am not interested in details.

- Yeah, me neither. Enjoy our show.

- Yeah. [laughs]

[dance music]

♪ ♪

- I love my baby so much.

Okay, we got this, ducca.

- Yes, we do, all right.

I've got your back.

- Okay, I got your back, ducca.

Okay, what's up?

- Oh, my god, c-czar, what are you doing here?

- This spot's crazy as hell, man.

- Right now I'm obviously at work,

About to, like, chomp off

A little flap of skin off of this guy's boinker.

- This dude? - Hey, what's up, man?

- This dude's straight up the devil, y'all!

- You rock. You're hilarious.

I introduced him to coke last year.

- Honestly, c-czar, like,

You're, like, being very jealous.

- No, I can confirm.

He is the devil.

- May I share with you some facts

About male genital mutilation?

Circumcision is an elective surgery,

And it has not been proven to be more sanitary.

- It is more sanitary.

- It is not more sanitary.

- I bet you can't even feel [bleep] pain.

- You want to talk about [bleep] pain?

I know nothing but [bleep] pain.

I was 90% foreskin when I was born.

- You're an anti-semite.

- A boy should look like his father.

- This is bob ducca, everybody!

- Hi.

- Don't debase yourself.

This guy's got no soul.

- Now you come in here, right?

And it's just like, what am I going to do?

Like, am I gonna pick

This, like, very rich, scary person

Who, like, doesn't know my name

And, like, would probably let me die on a hike?

- Definitely let you die.

- This year's been crazy.

I mean, we straight up had a baby.

And the baby's name isn't skylord.

- What?

- And it's not pinnochlio.

- Oh.

- Maybe it's time we called him pinnochliord.

- [squealing] oh, my god!

- 'cause it's a combination of the two names that we love.

- Honestly, you keep it exciting.

[spitting]

And, like, for me,

You got me, like, where it hurts.

You know what I mean? Like, right in the heart.

- I'm c-czar.

- Oh. Nice to meet you. I'm liz.

- Nice to meet you. - Oh, all right.

[both laugh]

- I like how you look.

With ron funches-- shout-out to ron funches.

- Hey, ron.

- You straight up blap-blap-blap here.

- Do you eat a lot out of vending machines?

- I love candy for dinner. What about you?

And, like, you're always, always...

I love you.

You're blap-blap-blap right here.

I'll always provide for pinnochliord and for you,

But I also promise, like,

I'll straight up eat your [bleep]

And, like, clean that flower whenever I can.

I'll eat your [bleep]. - Oh, my god.

- I'll do everything. You know what I'm saying?

- I do.

- Like, me, you and pinnochliord, we a family.

Bob ducca's in the family, straight up.

- You're cute. It'll work. - Let y'all eat cake.

That's my catchphrase.

Never forget your roots!

Blap-blap-blap!

- Have fun at "jewmanji," everyone!

- Okay, that was "menorable,"

But we got some bris-ness to attend to.

Who's gonna clip the tip?

All right, bris kringle.

Are you volunteering or...?

Why don't you just wait one sec?

Oh, my god!

[crowd cheering]

Ah!

[rough slicing sound] I'm jewish!

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- Jumanji's suing us for using their font.

So, at the end of the day, publizity got stiffed.

- This company is done-zo.

- I can't believe we're, like, packing up publizity.

Packing up publizity is really hard,

Because, like...

I hate packing.

- It's time for me...

To take a word of advice from your bangs...

And grow.

- From liz getting pregnant to me...

[voice breaking] getting bangs,

Like, we've grown so much.

- Who can never know, like, what will be told?

And that is the story that, like, I will discover

When my path unfolds on it.

- ♪ extraordinary ♪

♪ gi-I-I-rl ♪

- I'm going back to phila-elphia now,

Because, like, that's where my family is.

And I'm gonna, like, go to the poconos,

And, like, for once in my life,

I'm gonna work hard... At having fun.

- Oh, my god, liz, like,

I love to have fun.

And the fact that you're gonna work hard at having fun...

That's what means the world to me.

- Oh, god, liz. - What?

- I'm, like, crying.

- Don't you moose out on me now, liz.

- One thing that I learned from you is...

[squealing indistinctly]

- [garbling nonsensically]

- [continues squealing indistinctly]

- Mm.

This has been such an amazing experience.

- Our business has been amazing.

- We're always gonna be together in that our names are the same.

Never forget that.

- I love you, liz.

- I love you, liz.

- I got one of your feathers in my mouth.

Good-bye.

- Bye, publizity.

- Go.

You look amazing.

- Thank you. You look amazing.

[upbeat caribbean music]

♪ ♪

- Meh, meh, meh, meh.

- Wha-eet, wha-eet, wha-eet.

- Meh, meh. - Wha-eet.

- ♪ you'll always be... ♪

- Ha ha

Good at bizness.

- A boy should look like his father.

- And it said, "nude massage."

And this woman, for 75-- [laughter]

For $75, this hawaiian woman came into my--

[laughter]

And gave me a big rubdown...

[laughing] and her adult son waited in the car.