Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm ron funches.

You might know me as a famous lawyer.

But I found the courtroom world

To be too adversarial and rigid.

Now I'm studying my true passion,

To be a therapist.

But you need 3,000 hours

To become a professional licensed therapist.

That's too long!

I'd have to work 24 hours a day

For 125 days to do that.

3,000 hours.

That's where you can come in.

I need new clients.

Sure, I don't know exactly what I'm doing yet,

But if you're in pain, I'll listen.

- Believe me, we don't agree on much,

But, like, we will give you, like, a thousand hours

For your beautiful poetry.

- 3,000 hours with clients. That could be you.

Please call today.

I'll be here in my office getting these hours.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- Have you been to France? - Yes.

- What happened in France? - I got constipated.

[both laugh]

- Stuffing baguettes. - I was, like,

Stuffing, like, croissants. - So you didn't poop

Your whole time in France? - No.

- How many days were you there?

- Oh, my god, I was there for two weeks.

I thought I was gonna die.

- Oh, my god! - Like, I didn't even fart.

Like, I-I made, like, one fart when we were about to go home,

And it was, like, "aah!"

And it was, like, the whole plane, like, reeked.

- I came to europe to pursue my wife's murderer.

I did not murder my wife.

[laughter]

Now, I'm the one being pursued. - Armond, freeze!

- This is armond the world.

I'm searching for a blond european man

Who murdered my wife.

- [wolf whistle] [applause]

- I suspect now that my wife was murdered by her vocal coach,

A blond european man with an indeterminate accent.

Come out, come out wherever I am.

There sure are an awful lot of european blond men here.

That's not him.

- Armond! Hey!

- That cop I mentioned earlier,

He is hot on my tail.

- I'm detective smart.

Hey! Hey. - I gotta roll.

My hat's off to you.

- Hey!

Move, move, move, move, move, move!

Move! Get out, get out.

Armond!

[horn honks]

[suspenseful music]

[digital dialing] [rock music ringtone]

- Who dis? - Oh, roman.

How could you not recognize my voice?

It's your father, dr. Armond.

My heart is soaring hearing you speak to me.

- You know I can't see

Your bull[bleep] sign language, right?

- It doesn't matter if you can see me,

'cause I know that you can hear me just fine.

- I can't believe you haven't killed yourself yet.

- What's up, kiddo? How are things?

- [sighs]

I'm getting all the kids hooked on oven cleaner.

- Roman, I want you to know that I love you very much.

I haven't abandoned you. I'll never leave you.

Je t'aime, kiddo. Gotta go.

- I hope you get locked up in international prison

And get shanked with a french toothbrush.

[solemn music]

- Hey! Armond!

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- I prefer london.

[laughter] - folks, okay.

Welcome to the show us your songs commonwealth finale.

If you couldn't tell by my bosom-shaped cop helmet,

We're in England.

- We've been all over this blessed empire

From canada to south africa.

- And we got a new guest judge over here.

She's part of the new royal family

That's allowed to be sexy, the duchess tina.

- Yeah. Well, yes. - Wow.

You must go to some quite expensive parties then.

- A few, a few, but we don't take ourselves so seriously.

We're just--we're like you.

- Heavy is the head...

- Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

- That wears the crown.

- I don't find it that hard.

- [laughs] - well, you wear it well.

- ♪ I thought the royal wedding was really overrated ♪

♪ don't care that prince william and some anchor lady dated ♪

♪ prince charles is a knobhead ♪

- Ha ha ha!

- ♪ prince harry is a ginge ♪

♪ and I bet princess diana's hiding up queen lizzie's minge ♪

♪ we've been royally screwed ♪

♪ we've been royally screwed ♪

♪ I don't like the royal family ♪

♪ and neither should you ♪

♪ let's put something else on our stamps ♪

♪ like ♪

♪ like a cobblestone ♪

♪ or like--or like two-- like two cobblestones ♪

- You're a wanker, sir! - Yeah?

- My family could buy whatever shack that you live in

And I could go in at one time and piss in it

And then burn it to the ground!

- Piss all over my [bleep] bed, love.

[bleep] [bleep] stick my [bleep] face in the pillow, though.

- I feel sorry for you, I really do.

- Look, the princess' and queen's vaginas, okay,

Are chalices of purity that we have to protect, all right?

And scum like you coming out here

And making a song out of it like so many sex pistols

Isn't gonna help the world, and it's not gonna help you.

- I thought it was an extra-special performance, diz.

- That's what it was, yeah.

- My only note would be to get a keyboard stand.

- Yeah. - I have no idea

Why you'd want to do this, but if you do wanna vote for diz,

You're gonna press hash d-I-zed.

- And just to be clear, gene,

You can vote for anybody you want.

Everybody wins on show us your songs commonwealth.

- Yeah.

- Well, don't trip over your dick on the way to hell.

- What's up? I'm c-czar,

Disenfranchised father. - Okay.

- Hey, are you looking for a job by any chance?

- Yeah, I used to get the blow job over at chikk club.

- His name is skylord. - His name is pinnocchlio.

- I am going to recommend couple's counseling

For the two of you with my good friend ron funches.

- Ron, you seem like a safe place,

Like you a beacon of light for me right now

In a world that's filled with darkness.

- Maybe they'll give me an extra hour for that one.

[upbeat rock music]

- I love my baby so much.

[toilet flushes]

- $64.20?

That's all I'm making for all that work?

Two weeks in plugs?

- You poor bitch. Mm.

- Yeah, well, for some of us,

This money don't come so easy.

We don't all have a rich-ass accused murderer for a dad.

- My dad is a legend.

You broke as [bleep]!

- We gotta think of an invention so that you can make money

To show that you're a good father.

- Boo. You boring me now, old man.

- Yeah, I know. I'm a jerk. Sorry.

Goo-goo glasses, oh, it's perfect.

- I wrote it down! - It's like

Little computerized glasses for babies when they have

Nothing to look at. - Okay, great.

- Hello, we'd love to meet with somebody

To discuss our new invention, goo-goo glasses.

- I'm sorry, I don't see any mention

Of an appointment for you. - Get us inside.

You know me. I'm c-czar. Get liz.

- Um, okay. Well, let me see if she's available.

- Heard there's a bit of a situation with you.

- Mm. - Can you tell me what happened?

- I'm coming to you with a business pop-a-prosal.

- Proposal. - Thank you, ron.

With my business partner, bob ducca.

Shout-out to bob ducca. - Yeah.

I'm well aware of bob ducca.

- She, like, blows me off.

You know, not like that blow off, that, like,

You know what I mean, she does so good.

Like, straight up, like, take it all, like, crazy.

- Less of a good blow off and more of, like,

You--you don't feel supported.

- No, they're not gonna blow us off. This is too good an idea.

- Liz! - C-czar, please.

- Blap, blap, blap, blap! Come on, liz!

- When I, like, blow him off, I, like, go to work.

And, like, in the same way,

He was, like, coming to my place of work, all right?

- Liz. - What?

- C-czar is here. - Oh, my god, no.

Like, I cannot handle this right now, cassandra.

- Blap, blap! Come on, liz! - He is, honestly, like,

Throwing those guns around that are fingers.

And it's, like, disrespectful.

- It's, like, so disrespectful. It's, like, rude.

- He said he wants help promoting his goo-goo glasses

For babies. - Oh, my god.

That's, like, so cute. Like-- - [growls]

- Actually, just, like, tell him that, like, he should, like,

Make an appointment.

- So liz is super slammed right now.

Is there any way that I can make an appointment for you?

- [babbling] [spits]

I'm trying to get that money for pinnocchlio.

- Trying to provide for your child.

It's, like, maybe pinnocchlio

Get them goo-goo glasses on his face.

That way he not carrying a cell phone around,

Breaking up his brain.

- I'm sorry, but, like, I'm not gonna give skylord glasses,

Goo-goo or ga-ga or whatever, because those are for dorks.

- From my perspective, here's what happened.

- Please, bob. - C-czar and I

Were doing a classic business ambush--

- Blap, blap, blap. - We're here to discuss

Our product, goo-goo glasses.

- Hey, bob. How are you? - I'm very well. How are you?

- Oh, I'm great. I'm amazing.

- Yo! Me and my boy, bob ducca, working hard on this.

Bob ducca's, like, wildly ill. - Mm-hmm. I should be dead.

- You're looking much better. - Thanks. I feel terrible.

- You don't wanna see my powerpoint presentation.

There you go, then. How about that?

- [screams] - set your coffee there.

[overlapping chatter]

- I don't want to--[cries] - how about that, then?

I can't take this mistreatment anymore, liz!

- You're breaking my heart, c-czar.

You're throwing me all your pieces.

Like, I obviously don't--aah! - C-czar!

- Can I say something? - [scoffs]

- Of course. - They came at us the wrong way.

I think, you know, I can--

- You have no idea what it's like

When anyone comes at you, cassandra, you wish.

[overlapping shouting]

- C-czar--aah!

- [growls]

- What is going on? - Blap, blap, blap, blap, blap!

- Man, I don't normally see this many patients,

But the idea of stacking four hours at once,

I couldn't turn it down.

- Let's get it up. Get it up. Come on, let's get it up.

- God, you're really making me mad.

- I know. Let's go in the cry room.

- Cassandra, get out and go file the garbage.

- Get out of the crying room! - Get out! Get out!

Both: Get out of the crying room!

- It's my favorite part of the session.

[upbeat music]

- Let's check in with the contestants.

They're living in a loft above the theater.

Show us yourselves behind the scenes.

- Your tattoos look like you're three sessions out of ten

Into tattoo removal. - I did 'em myself, man.

I gotta get rid of the tattoos 'cause I have a baby, man.

- Ooh. - I have a baby coming.

- I'm going to eat your baby.

That is what the line is from that wonderful movie, isn't it?

The visionaire michael myers.

- Fat bastard. - Fat bastard, yeah.

- Yes, I'm going to eat your baby.

Anyway, angie, the producer said

I should take you downstairs for your performance.

- All right. - And if you do well,

You will get to eat strawberries.

- Okay. Well, I'll see you guys. - Bye.

- All right, here we go. Straight from canada

With her act pleep ploop, it's angie ng.

- All right, show us what you got!

- Show us your songs.

- Pleep ploop, please.

[drumroll]

♪ pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep, pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep pleep ploop pleep pleep ploop pleep ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪

♪ pleep it's a pleep ploop ♪

♪ baby ♪

- ♪ oh, pleep, uh ♪

Both: Wow!

- That's a sexy show! Okay!

It you wanna make it in this world,

You gotta add a little sex!

Some tits and ass! That's what we like!

Right? Go on. - [laughs]

- And if you guys wanna vote for angie at home,

You gotta press hash 4-7. - And vote away,

But know at the end of the day that everybody here wins

On show us your songs commonwealth.

- Are you looking for a new hobby?

This is the european's guide to being a cannibal.

[techno music]

Now, it is time to gather the supplies you need

One thing you must need is lye.

It will help break down the body quick and faster,

So that you can make it to a dj rave in budapest.

[dance music]

Looking for a cool victim? Well, check out these victims.

I high-speed rail train conductor,

A cool for school skateboarding youth,

A former classmate from university

Who you've had an obsession with for one half, two half decades,

A friendly french milkman with fat buttocks

That will be wonderful for frying in olive oil.

[dance music]

Maybe you will save the skin

So that you can walk amongst everybody as someone else.

And while you must wash the physical evidence

Of your murders using a 1/2 liter of bleach,

The memories will live forever.

And your brain will be stronger

Because you have consumed a brain of others,

And their memories will become your own,

And you will become a god amongst men.

What's your relationship like

With your real-- with your real dad?

- He's a crazy cretan greek villager.

He-- - when you say "cretin,"

You don't mean, like, a cretin. Like, you just mean, like,

Actually someone from crete. - Well, he's from crete,

And he's a cretin. Sometimes he eats pizza

And puts grape jelly on the pizza crust.

- I mean, that's straight up roman armond [bleep]

Right there. - ♪ oh, armond ♪

♪ meow, m-meow ♪

- Welcome back to show us your songs behind the scenes.

- Oh, way to go, girl. - [laughs]

- That's gonna make my act of putting on sunglasses

Seem almost tame in comparison.

- Oh, I couldn't disagree more.

I thought your act of putting on sunglasses

Was cool as a cucumber.

Although, I'm in a bit of a pickle.

- What's wrong? - While you were down there,

Did you see a blond european man of indeterminate accent?

- [mocking] a blond european man of indeterminate accent.

[laughter] - hey, that's--

Really sounds like him, man. That's cool.

- That impression was right on the money.

But it doesn't change the fact

That the search for my wife's killer has gone cold.

And I'm desperate to find him.

- Sure. - Nobody move!

- Peace out. - Nobody move.

[laughter] - eh? Eh? Nobody move! Huh?

- Pretty good, man. Pretty good. - It's pretty good.

[suspenseful music]

- Armond. Come on, man, it's over.

- No it's not.

- Armond, you're not athletic. I'm gonna catch you.

- Are you joking me? - Look, I'm barely running.

- People don't realize how athletic I am.

- Come on, man! I don't got time for this!

- I don't have time for this either,

But I'm not even wearing a watch.

- Armond.

Freeze!

- Just shoot me, david spade.

- Armond, don't make me-- [gunshot]

[gunshot] - oh, boy.

- Shit.

God damn it.

- Do you like indian food, detective smart?

- Yeah, sure.

[glass shatters] - 'cause I'm about to scurry.

- Armond.

[suspenseful music]

It's over.

[dramatic music]

It's it. Just come to me.

- I didn't kill my wife. - I know.

- Detective smart, you've proven yourself to be just that.

But I have to tell you,

I was california's premier animal plastic surgeon.

I had a beautiful son and a gorgeous wife,

Possibly one of the most beautiful women I've ever met.

At which point, she divorced me. - I want a divorce.

- Leaving me to move out and become a bachelor.

I moved into the sportsman's lodge and I was having--

- Armond, this--this is all in your wikipedia page.

- And I was having the time of my life.

At that point, I met shannon,

Possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever met

In my entire life.

Wow, she's hot.

My good friend, kelsey grammer, told me not to.

- You've got the fever, old boy.

- But I couldn't pass up love, and we got married.

I love you very much. Then after that,

We had issues. I went to reconcile with her.

It was when I walked in the room

And found her dead.

- Yeah, I know. I was at the trial.

- You killed that lady.

- I've reached the end, my friend, I can't do this anymore.

- Wait, what does that mean? - It's hopeless.

- You just can't--armond, no. Armond, don't do it!

Come on. I'm not gonna put you in jail.

- Well, detective smart, answer me this question.

Will you tell roman I love him?

- Don't do it, armond! Oh, my god.

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, my.

Looks like we've reached the end of the train

For old armond. - I'm sorry, doc,

But this is official police business now.

- Detective smart, what a great friend and adversary.

- I can't believe you haven't killed yourself yet.

- Oh, my beautiful son roman... I love you, shannon.

- That is why I adore you.

- Shannon, you'll be in my arms soon,

Because I'll be dead shortly.

You truly were the most beautiful--

Hmm. A trampoline.

Armond, what have you gotten yourself into?

It's, uh-- - whoa.

Bravo, there, dr. Armond.

[laughter]

- What a wild ride you've been on, armond!

- How you feeling? - Am I on the set of

The show us your songs commonwealth finale?

[dramatic music]

What's going on?

So you're an integral part

Of the dr. Armond saga.

Can you explain what happened?

- Maybe a little bit, but it was just weird.

I just remember being in the kitchen...

- Yeah. - And your son laughing at me.

- Shout-out to andy milonakis.

- And I was trying to get my head around the scene.

Then I'm with ron howard's dad in an attic one time.

- Rance howard. - And the next thing you know,

I'm on a roof and somebody jumped off.

For all I know, this is still part of the sketch.

- Yeah.

- What's going on?

- Well, uh, let me just tee up this video

By saying that the last two years of your life

Has been an illusion. - A psychodrama!

- It's all a lie, okay? Everyone you've met

Has been faking it, and every experience you had

Has been manufactured.

So let's just let your son roman describe it to you.

[movie reel clicking]

- All right.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ congratulations ♪

- Oh, my.

- Hi, dad. It's your son, roman.

I have something important to tell you.

Everything that happened to you in the last two years

Has all been an elaborate adventure planned by me,

Funded by you.

The marriage, the trial, the killer,

They were all fake.

- Hey, dr. Armond... - That's detective smart.

- I just wanted to say thank you so much for this opportunity.

It was such a pleasure to work with you.

- What an honor it has been to play cat and mouse with you.

- There he is. - Planning to slaughter

And consume people.

But in fact, just be a hired hand

In a much larger game.

- Hello there, armond, it's your old friend kelsey grammer.

Joke's on you, pal.

- Personally, I wondered why you never figured it out

Why I was laughing through your whole trial.

- You're a boring, predictable bitch,

And that's why I did this.

- You know, I never--I never thought to dream this big...

- Oh, don't cry, detective smart.

- ...You guys again, if we ever, you know,

Mess with somebody else for another two years.

So thank you. - And, dad,

I have one last big surprise for you.

- Wow, there she is.

Oh, shannon, how I long to see you again.

[footsteps]

And there she is.

Is it just me, or is it getting warm in here?

- [laughs]

- She's gorgeous.

Hello, shannon. - Well, hello, armond.

- You look more beautiful than ever.

- Thank you.

- I've been searching for your killer the whole time.

- I know. - Even better than the killer,

I found you. - Oh, armond!

Those were the nicest words that you've ever said to me.

- [laughs] that's a-- that's really sweet.

- I got in on the hoax because I thought you would--

You could live your life and grown...

- Yeah, uh-huh. - And then if you'd come back

To me... - Sure, mm-hmm.

- Then we would have such the best relationship ever.

- What an adventure. I feel like gulliver,

From gulliver's travels, the book.

- Oh, nice. I love gulliver.

- Well, thinking about all the coordinating roman did

And all the money of mine that he spent,

Thinking about all of you helping to do it,

My heart is bursting with love.

- Don't thank us there, pal.

Thank yourself, 'cause you gave us quite a show.

- I meant it as a metaphor, but my heart is bursting,

Literally, through my chest.

There it is. There's blood.

Oh, no.

But his heart is actually bursting.

If I had any last words, it would be that my life

Was a-okay. [bell dings]

- Medic.

- Tell roman I loved him.

Well, well, well, that was an extra-large unexpected twist.

- Uh, here's another twist.

Everyone wins.

- Well, how about that?

- Safe passage, dr. Armond.

He doesn't win.

He just gets the quiet peace of the next life.

- ♪ you did it ♪

- Ha ha. Good at bizness.

- Ow.

- Congratulations, dr. Armond.

You know what I mean? 'cause you got played.

We've been a part of this adventure

From the very beginning.

- Talking about the ride that I've been on,

How about the ride that you've been on?

- You went on the adventure of a lifetime.

I love you.