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1
00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:03,535
- Hi, I'm ron funches.
2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:06,405
You might know me
as a famous lawyer.
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,507
But I found the courtroom world
4
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,276
To be too adversarial and rigid.
5
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,579
Now I'm studying
my true passion,
6
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,814
To be a therapist.
7
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,449
But you need 3,000 hours
8
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:21,086
To become a professional
licensed therapist.
9
00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:22,955
That's too long!
10
00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:25,524
I'd have to work 24 hours a day
11
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,861
For 125 days to do that.
12
00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:32,231
3,000 hours.
13
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,201
That's where you can come in.
14
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,269
I need new clients.
15
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:40,806
Sure, I don't know exactly
what I'm doing yet,
16
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:44,143
But if you're in pain,
I'll listen.
17
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:45,944
- Believe me,
we don't agree on much,
18
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:50,149
But, like, we will give you,
like, a thousand hours
19
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,818
For your beautiful poetry.
20
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:56,588
- 3,000 hours with clients.
That could be you.
21
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,956
Please call today.
22
00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:01,660
I'll be here in my office
getting these hours.
23
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:05,230
[dubstep music]
24
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:13,472
♪ ♪
25
00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:18,043
- Have you been to France?
- Yes.
26
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:20,946
- What happened in France?
- I got constipated.
27
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,314
[both laugh]
28
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:23,982
- Stuffing baguettes.
- I was, like,
29
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:26,151
Stuffing, like, croissants.
- So you didn't poop
30
00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,853
Your whole time in France?
- No.
31
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:28,787
- How many days were you there?
32
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,589
- Oh, my god,
I was there for two weeks.
33
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,091
I thought I was gonna die.
34
00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:34,059
- Oh, my god!
- Like, I didn't even fart.
35
00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:37,029
Like, I-I made, like, one fart
when we were about to go home,
36
00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:38,697
And it was, like,
"aah!"
37
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,866
And it was, like,
the whole plane, like, reeked.
38
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:44,069
- I came to europe to pursue
my wife's murderer.
39
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:46,071
I did not murder my wife.
40
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:46,738
[laughter]
41
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:50,375
Now, I'm the one being pursued.
- Armond, freeze!
42
00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:53,779
- This is armond the world.
43
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:01,253
I'm searching for
a blond european man
44
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:02,754
Who murdered my wife.
45
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:03,689
- [wolf whistle]
[applause]
46
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:06,925
- I suspect now that my wife was
murdered by her vocal coach,
47
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:10,262
A blond european man
with an indeterminate accent.
48
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:13,031
Come out, come out
wherever I am.
49
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:16,902
There sure are an awful lot
of european blond men here.
50
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:18,837
That's not him.
51
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:21,306
- Armond! Hey!
52
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,741
- That cop I mentioned earlier,
53
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,910
He is hot on my tail.
54
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,578
- I'm detective smart.
55
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,548
Hey! Hey.
- I gotta roll.
56
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,351
My hat's off to you.
57
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,085
- Hey!
58
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:36,188
Move, move, move, move,
move, move!
59
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:39,491
Move!
Get out, get out.
60
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,828
Armond!
61
00:02:45,064 --> 00:02:46,965
[horn honks]
62
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:51,370
[suspenseful music]
63
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,239
[digital dialing]
[rock music ringtone]
64
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:56,308
- Who dis?
- Oh, roman.
65
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,577
How could you not recognize
my voice?
66
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,245
It's your father, dr. Armond.
67
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,481
My heart is soaring
hearing you speak to me.
68
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:03,649
- You know I can't see
69
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,050
Your bull[bleep] sign language,
right?
70
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,852
- It doesn't matter
if you can see me,
71
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,221
'cause I know that
you can hear me just fine.
72
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:12,391
- I can't believe you haven't
killed yourself yet.
73
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:15,260
- What's up, kiddo?
How are things?
74
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:15,961
- [sighs]
75
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,263
I'm getting all the kids hooked
on oven cleaner.
76
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,532
- Roman, I want you to know that
I love you very much.
77
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,568
I haven't abandoned you.
I'll never leave you.
78
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,236
Je t'aime, kiddo.
Gotta go.
79
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,271
- I hope you get locked up
in international prison
80
00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:30,075
And get shanked
with a french toothbrush.
81
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:35,781
[solemn music]
82
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,482
- Hey! Armond!
83
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:40,719
[suspenseful music]
84
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:46,158
♪ ♪
85
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:50,662
- I prefer london.
86
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:03,275
[laughter]
- folks, okay.
87
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:06,411
Welcome to the show usyour songs commonwealth finale.
88
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,381
If you couldn't tell by
my bosom-shaped cop helmet,
89
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,282
We're in England.
90
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:13,051
- We've been all over
this blessed empire
91
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,920
From canada to south africa.
92
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,623
- And we got a new guest judge
over here.
93
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,424
She's part of
the new royal family
94
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,194
That's allowed to be sexy,
the duchess tina.
95
00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:23,228
- Yeah. Well, yes.
- Wow.
96
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:24,997
You must go to some
quite expensive parties then.
97
00:04:24,999 --> 00:04:28,200
- A few, a few, but we don't
take ourselves so seriously.
98
00:04:28,202 --> 00:04:30,168
We're just--we're like you.
99
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,170
- Heavy is the head...
100
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,072
- Heavy is the head
that wears the crown.
101
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,207
- That wears the crown.
102
00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:36,675
- I don't find it that hard.
103
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,711
- [laughs]
- well, you wear it well.
104
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:44,483
- ♪ I thought the royal wedding
was really overrated ♪
105
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:49,388
♪ don't care that prince william
and some anchor lady dated ♪
106
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,990
♪ prince charles is a knobhead ♪
107
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:52,991
- Ha ha ha!
108
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,426
- ♪ prince harry is a ginge ♪
109
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:58,864
♪ and I bet princess diana's
hiding up queen lizzie's minge ♪
110
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,866
♪ we've been royally screwed ♪
111
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,368
♪ we've been
royally screwed ♪
112
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:05,837
♪ I don't like
the royal family ♪
113
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,205
♪ and neither should you ♪
114
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:10,142
♪ let's put something else
on our stamps ♪
115
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,109
♪ like ♪
116
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,278
♪ like a cobblestone ♪
117
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,715
♪ or like--or like two--
like two cobblestones ♪
118
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:19,017
- You're a wanker, sir!
- Yeah?
119
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,620
- My family could buy whatever
shack that you live in
120
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,356
And I could go in at one time
and piss in it
121
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,857
And then burn it
to the ground!
122
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,359
- Piss all over my [bleep] bed,
love.
123
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:30,962
[bleep] [bleep] stick my [bleep]
face in the pillow, though.
124
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,397
- I feel sorry for you,
I really do.
125
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:35,267
- Look, the princess'
and queen's vaginas, okay,
126
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:38,704
Are chalices of purity that
we have to protect, all right?
127
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,073
And scum like you
coming out here
128
00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:43,742
And making a song out of it
like so many sex pistols
129
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,345
Isn't gonna help the world,
and it's not gonna help you.
130
00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,481
- I thought it was an
extra-special performance, diz.
131
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:50,515
- That's what it was, yeah.
132
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,518
- My only note would be
to get a keyboard stand.
133
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,820
- Yeah.
- I have no idea
134
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,589
Why you'd want to do this, but
if you do wanna vote for diz,
135
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,658
You're gonna press hash d-I-zed.
136
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,026
- And just to be clear, gene,
137
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,627
You can vote for anybody
you want.
138
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,996
Everybody wins on show usyour songs commonwealth.
139
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:05,530
- Yeah.
140
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,667
- Well, don't trip over
your dick on the way to hell.
141
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,005
- What's up?
I'm c-czar,
142
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,040
Disenfranchised father.
- Okay.
143
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,808
- Hey, are you looking
for a job by any chance?
144
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,677
- Yeah, I used to get
the blow job over at chikk club.
145
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,412
- His name is skylord.
- His name is pinnocchlio.
146
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,781
- I am going to recommend
couple's counseling
147
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,916
For the two of you with
my good friend ron funches.
148
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,485
- Ron, you seem like
a safe place,
149
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,019
Like you a beacon of light
for me right now
150
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,521
In a world that's filled
with darkness.
151
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:32,357
- Maybe they'll give me
an extra hour for that one.
152
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:36,695
[upbeat rock music]
153
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,397
- I love my baby so much.
154
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,598
[toilet flushes]
155
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,866
- $64.20?
156
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,402
That's all I'm making for all
that work?
157
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:44,369
Two weeks in plugs?
158
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,938
- You poor bitch.
Mm.
159
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,240
- Yeah, well,
for some of us,
160
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,408
This money don't come so easy.
161
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:53,578
We don't all have a rich-ass
accused murderer for a dad.
162
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,913
- My dad is a legend.
163
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,915
You broke as [bleep]!
164
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,518
- We gotta think of an invention
so that you can make money
165
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,586
To show that
you're a good father.
166
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,955
- Boo. You boring me now,
old man.
167
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,657
- Yeah, I know. I'm a jerk.
Sorry.
168
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,893
Goo-goo glasses,
oh, it's perfect.
169
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,262
- I wrote it down!
- It's like
170
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,963
Little computerized glasses
for babies when they have
171
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,865
Nothing to look at.
- Okay, great.
172
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,767
- Hello, we'd love to meet
with somebody
173
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,670
To discuss our new invention,
goo-goo glasses.
174
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,405
- I'm sorry,
I don't see any mention
175
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,741
Of an appointment for you.
- Get us inside.
176
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:23,909
You know me. I'm c-czar.
Get liz.
177
00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:26,978
- Um, okay. Well, let me see
if she's available.
178
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,780
- Heard there's a bit
of a situation with you.
179
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,416
- Mm.
- Can you tell me what happened?
180
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,785
- I'm coming to you with
a business pop-a-prosal.
181
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,787
- Proposal.
- Thank you, ron.
182
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,756
With my business partner,
bob ducca.
183
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,191
Shout-out to bob ducca.
- Yeah.
184
00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:40,926
I'm well aware of bob ducca.
185
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,027
- She, like, blows me off.
186
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,329
You know, not like
that blow off, that, like,
187
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,164
You know what I mean,
she does so good.
188
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,266
Like, straight up, like,
take it all, like, crazy.
189
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,368
- Less of a good blow off
and more of, like,
190
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:51,269
You--you don't feel supported.
191
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:54,272
- No, they're not gonna blow us
off. This is too good an idea.
192
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,540
- Liz!
- C-czar, please.
193
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,342
- Blap, blap, blap, blap!
Come on, liz!
194
00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,979
- When I, like, blow him off,
I, like, go to work.
195
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,180
And, like, in the same way,
196
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,817
He was, like, coming to
my place of work, all right?
197
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,385
- Liz.
- What?
198
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,520
- C-czar is here.
- Oh, my god, no.
199
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,655
Like, I cannot handle this
right now, cassandra.
200
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,458
- Blap, blap! Come on, liz!
- He is, honestly, like,
201
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:16,161
Throwing those guns around
that are fingers.
202
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,362
And it's, like, disrespectful.
203
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,664
- It's, like, so disrespectful.
It's, like, rude.
204
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,334
- He said he wants help
promoting his goo-goo glasses
205
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,702
For babies.
- Oh, my god.
206
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,937
That's, like, so cute. Like--
- [growls]
207
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,640
- Actually, just, like, tell him
that, like, he should, like,
208
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:29,841
Make an appointment.
209
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,676
- So liz is super slammed
right now.
210
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,045
Is there any way that I can make
an appointment for you?
211
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,580
- [babbling]
[spits]
212
00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:37,649
I'm trying to get that money
for pinnocchlio.
213
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,118
- Trying to provide
for your child.
214
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,186
It's, like, maybe pinnocchlio
215
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,654
Get them goo-goo glasses
on his face.
216
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,623
That way he not carrying
a cell phone around,
217
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,391
Breaking up his brain.
218
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,461
- I'm sorry, but, like, I'm
not gonna give skylord glasses,
219
00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:52,764
Goo-goo or ga-ga or whatever,
because those are for dorks.
220
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,100
- From my perspective,
here's what happened.
221
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:56,501
- Please, bob.
- C-czar and I
222
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,036
Were doing a classic
business ambush--
223
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,105
- Blap, blap, blap.
- We're here to discuss
224
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,072
Our product, goo-goo glasses.
225
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,775
- Hey, bob. How are you?
- I'm very well. How are you?
226
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:04,643
- Oh, I'm great.
I'm amazing.
227
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:07,112
- Yo! Me and my boy, bob ducca,
working hard on this.
228
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:10,415
Bob ducca's, like, wildly ill.
- Mm-hmm. I should be dead.
229
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:13,618
- You're looking much better.
- Thanks. I feel terrible.
230
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,754
- You don't wanna see
my powerpoint presentation.
231
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:16,955
There you go, then.
How about that?
232
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,790
- [screams]
- set your coffee there.
233
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:19,558
[overlapping chatter]
234
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,726
- I don't want to--[cries]
- how about that, then?
235
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,396
I can't take this mistreatment
anymore, liz!
236
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,931
- You're breaking my heart,
c-czar.
237
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,999
You're throwing me
all your pieces.
238
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,534
Like, I obviously don't--aah!
- C-czar!
239
00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,803
- Can I say something?
- [scoffs]
240
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,739
- Of course.
- They came at us the wrong way.
241
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,474
I think, you know, I can--
242
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:37,876
- You have no idea
what it's like
243
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:41,379
When anyone comes at you,
cassandra, you wish.
244
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,815
[overlapping shouting]
245
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:44,883
- C-czar--aah!
246
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:45,450
- [growls]
247
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:48,253
- What is going on?
- Blap, blap, blap, blap, blap!
248
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,921
- Man, I don't normally see
this many patients,
249
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,090
But the idea of stacking
four hours at once,
250
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,058
I couldn't turn it down.
251
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,994
- Let's get it up. Get it up.
Come on, let's get it up.
252
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,863
- God, you're really
making me mad.
253
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:00,098
- I know.
Let's go in the cry room.
254
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,534
- Cassandra, get out
and go file the garbage.
255
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,536
- Get out of the crying room!
- Get out! Get out!
256
00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:07,639
Both: Get out
of the crying room!
257
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:15,013
- It's my favorite part
of the session.
258
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,314
[upbeat music]
259
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,550
- Let's check in
with the contestants.
260
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:20,952
They're living in a loft
above the theater.
261
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,588
Show us yourselves
behind the scenes.
262
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:26,057
- Your tattoos look like
you're three sessions out of ten
263
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,193
Into tattoo removal.
- I did 'em myself, man.
264
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,762
I gotta get rid of the tattoos
'cause I have a baby, man.
265
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,197
- Ooh.
- I have a baby coming.
266
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,666
- I'm going to eat your baby.
267
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:38,870
That is what the line is from
that wonderful movie, isn't it?
268
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:42,374
The visionaire michael myers.
269
00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,242
- Fat bastard.
- Fat bastard, yeah.
270
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,378
- Yes, I'm going to eat
your baby.
271
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:47,912
Anyway, angie,
the producer said
272
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,248
I should take you downstairs
for your performance.
273
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,750
- All right.
- And if you do well,
274
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,885
You will get to eat
strawberries.
275
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:57,155
- Okay. Well, I'll see you guys.
- Bye.
276
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,791
- All right, here we go.
Straight from canada
277
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:02,093
With her act pleep ploop,
it's angie ng.
278
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,962
- All right,
show us what you got!
279
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:04,996
- Show us your songs.
280
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,399
- Pleep ploop, please.
281
00:11:07,401 --> 00:11:09,901
[drumroll]
282
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,136
♪ pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪
283
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,971
♪ pleep, pleep ploop ♪
284
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:14,673
♪ pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪
285
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:16,608
♪ pleep pleep ploop,
pleep ploop ♪
286
00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:20,278
♪ pleep pleep ploop
pleep pleep ploop pleep ♪
287
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,446
♪ ah ♪
288
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,948
♪ pleep pleep ploop,
pleep pleep ploop ♪
289
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:24,883
♪ pleep pleep ploop ♪
290
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,918
♪ pleep pleep ploop,
pleep pleep ploop ♪
291
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,687
♪ pleep pleep ploop,
pleep pleep ploop ♪
292
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:31,222
♪ pleep pleep ploop,
pleep pleep ploop ♪
293
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,692
♪ pleep
it's a pleep ploop ♪
294
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,093
♪ baby ♪
295
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,729
- ♪ oh, pleep, uh ♪
296
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:38,663
Both: Wow!
297
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,766
- That's a sexy show!
Okay!
298
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:43,835
It you wanna make it
in this world,
299
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,770
You gotta add a little sex!
300
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:48,373
Some tits and ass!
That's what we like!
301
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,374
Right? Go on.
- [laughs]
302
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,743
- And if you guys wanna vote
for angie at home,
303
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:55,080
You gotta press hash 4-7.
- And vote away,
304
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,549
But know at the end of the day
that everybody here wins
305
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,485
On show us your songscommonwealth.
306
00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:04,556
- Are you looking for
a new hobby?
307
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:07,058
This is the european's guideto being a cannibal.
308
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,195
[techno music]
309
00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:12,997
Now, it is time to gather
the supplies you need
310
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,699
One thing you must need is lye.
311
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:17,068
It will help break down the body
quick and faster,
312
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:20,739
So that you can make it
to a dj rave in budapest.
313
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:21,873
[dance music]
314
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:25,076
Looking for a cool victim?
Well, check out these victims.
315
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,945
I high-speed rail
train conductor,
316
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,913
A cool for school
skateboarding youth,
317
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,348
A former classmate
from university
318
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:33,685
Who you've had an obsession with
for one half, two half decades,
319
00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:36,020
A friendly french milkman
with fat buttocks
320
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:39,424
That will be wonderful
for frying in olive oil.
321
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,458
[dance music]
322
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,960
Maybe you will save the skin
323
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,929
So that you can walk amongst
everybody as someone else.
324
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,132
And while you must wash
the physical evidence
325
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:50,235
Of your murders
using a 1/2 liter of bleach,
326
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,270
The memories will live forever.
327
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,872
And your brain will be stronger
328
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,673
Because you have consumed
a brain of others,
329
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,909
And their memories
will become your own,
330
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,945
And you will become a god
amongst men.
331
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:01,946
What's your relationship like
332
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,448
With your real--
with your real dad?
333
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,818
- He's a crazy cretan
greek villager.
334
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,886
He--
- when you say "cretin,"
335
00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:10,088
You don't mean, like, a cretin.
Like, you just mean, like,
336
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:12,357
Actually someone from crete.
- Well, he's from crete,
337
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,826
And he's a cretin.
Sometimes he eats pizza
338
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:17,162
And puts grape jelly
on the pizza crust.
339
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,063
- I mean, that's straight up
roman armond [bleep]
340
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,833
Right there.
- ♪ oh, armond ♪
341
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,301
♪ meow, m-meow ♪
342
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:27,238
- Welcome back to show usyour songs behind the scenes.
343
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,840
- Oh, way to go, girl.
- [laughs]
344
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,776
- That's gonna make my act
of putting on sunglasses
345
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:33,478
Seem almost tame in comparison.
346
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,712
- Oh, I couldn't
disagree more.
347
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:36,815
I thought your act
of putting on sunglasses
348
00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:38,850
Was cool as a cucumber.
349
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:40,485
Although, I'm in
a bit of a pickle.
350
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,653
- What's wrong?
- While you were down there,
351
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:44,689
Did you see a blond european man
of indeterminate accent?
352
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:47,458
- [mocking] a blond european man
of indeterminate accent.
353
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:49,027
[laughter]
- hey, that's--
354
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,496
Really sounds like him, man.
That's cool.
355
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,098
- That impression
was right on the money.
356
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,333
But it doesn't change the fact
357
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,269
That the search for
my wife's killer has gone cold.
358
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,637
And I'm desperate to find him.
359
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,472
- Sure.
- Nobody move!
360
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:04,175
- Peace out.
- Nobody move.
361
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,512
[laughter]
- eh? Eh? Nobody move! Huh?
362
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:10,448
- Pretty good, man. Pretty good.
- It's pretty good.
363
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,017
[suspenseful music]
364
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,386
- Armond.
Come on, man, it's over.
365
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,654
- No it's not.
366
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,423
- Armond, you're not athletic.
I'm gonna catch you.
367
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,625
- Are you joking me?
- Look, I'm barely running.
368
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,260
- People don't realize
how athletic I am.
369
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,995
- Come on, man!
I don't got time for this!
370
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,530
- I don't have time for this
either,
371
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,398
But I'm not even wearing
a watch.
372
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,568
- Armond.
373
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,003
Freeze!
374
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,405
- Just shoot me, david spade.
375
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,941
- Armond, don't make me--
[gunshot]
376
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,276
[gunshot]
- oh, boy.
377
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,777
- Shit.
378
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:40,778
God damn it.
379
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,615
- Do you like indian food,
detective smart?
380
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:45,250
- Yeah, sure.
381
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:48,253
[glass shatters]
- 'cause I'm about to scurry.
382
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,254
- Armond.
383
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:53,591
[suspenseful music]
384
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,193
It's over.
385
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:58,363
[dramatic music]
386
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,365
It's it.
Just come to me.
387
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,400
- I didn't kill my wife.
- I know.
388
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:06,404
- Detective smart, you've proven
yourself to be just that.
389
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,305
But I have to tell you,
390
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:10,408
I was california's premier
animal plastic surgeon.
391
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,343
I had a beautiful son
and a gorgeous wife,
392
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:15,847
Possibly one of the most
beautiful women I've ever met.
393
00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:18,483
At which point, she divorced me.
- I want a divorce.
394
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:21,052
- Leaving me to move out
and become a bachelor.
395
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,821
I moved into the sportsman's
lodge and I was having--
396
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,157
- Armond, this--this is all
in your wikipedia page.
397
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,493
- And I was having
the time of my life.
398
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,794
At that point,
I met shannon,
399
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:33,064
Possibly the most beautiful
woman I'd ever met
400
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,632
In my entire life.
401
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,500
Wow, she's hot.
402
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,435
My good friend, kelsey grammer,
told me not to.
403
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,569
- You've got the fever,
old boy.
404
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:41,439
- But I couldn't pass up love,
and we got married.
405
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,974
I love you very much.
Then after that,
406
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,310
We had issues.
I went to reconcile with her.
407
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:47,879
It was when I walked in the room
408
00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:48,780
And found her dead.
409
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,581
- Yeah, I know.
I was at the trial.
410
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:51,683
- You killed that lady.
411
00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:54,252
- I've reached the end, my
friend, I can't do this anymore.
412
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,987
- Wait, what does that mean?
- It's hopeless.
413
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,723
- You just can't--armond, no.
Armond, don't do it!
414
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,758
Come on. I'm not gonna
put you in jail.
415
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,895
- Well, detective smart,
answer me this question.
416
00:16:03,897 --> 00:16:05,430
Will you tell roman
I love him?
417
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:08,866
- Don't do it, armond!
Oh, my god.
418
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:14,672
[suspenseful music]
419
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,740
- Oh, my.
420
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,176
Looks like we've reached
the end of the train
421
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:19,978
For old armond.
- I'm sorry, doc,
422
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,512
But this is official
police business now.
423
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,615
- Detective smart, what
a great friend and adversary.
424
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,818
- I can't believe you haven't
killed yourself yet.
425
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,954
- Oh, my beautiful son roman...
I love you, shannon.
426
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:32,957
- That is why I adore you.
427
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,859
- Shannon, you'll be
in my arms soon,
428
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,260
Because I'll be dead shortly.
429
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:39,097
You truly were
the most beautiful--
430
00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:45,303
Hmm. A trampoline.
431
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:49,140
Armond, what have you
gotten yourself into?
432
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:54,846
It's, uh--
- whoa.
433
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,448
Bravo, there, dr. Armond.
434
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,217
[laughter]
435
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,486
- What a wild ride
you've been on, armond!
436
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:03,688
- How you feeling?
- Am I on the set of
437
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,290
The show us your songscommonwealth finale?
438
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:08,593
[dramatic music]
439
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,927
What's going on?
440
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:13,064
So you're an integral part
441
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,800
Of the dr. Armond saga.
442
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,068
Can you explain what happened?
443
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:19,170
- Maybe a little bit,
but it was just weird.
444
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,671
I just remember
being in the kitchen...
445
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,473
- Yeah.
- And your son laughing at me.
446
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:23,541
- Shout-out
to andy milonakis.
447
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,309
- And I was trying to
get my head around the scene.
448
00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:28,780
Then I'm with ron howard's dad
in an attic one time.
449
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,048
- Rance howard.
- And the next thing you know,
450
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,449
I'm on a roof
and somebody jumped off.
451
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,985
For all I know, this is
still part of the sketch.
452
00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:37,321
- Yeah.
453
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:38,322
- What's going on?
454
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:41,092
- Well, uh, let me just
tee up this video
455
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:44,128
By saying that the last
two years of your life
456
00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:45,997
Has been an illusion.
- A psychodrama!
457
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,633
- It's all a lie, okay?
Everyone you've met
458
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,701
Has been faking it,
and every experience you had
459
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,437
Has been manufactured.
460
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,705
So let's just let your son roman
describe it to you.
461
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:57,275
[movie reel clicking]
462
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,944
- All right.
463
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:04,382
[upbeat music]
464
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,285
- ♪ congratulations ♪
465
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,086
- Oh, my.
466
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,054
- Hi, dad.
It's your son, roman.
467
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,889
I have something important
to tell you.
468
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:14,859
Everything that happened to you
in the last two years
469
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:19,163
Has all been an elaborate
adventure planned by me,
470
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,431
Funded by you.
471
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,600
The marriage, the trial,
the killer,
472
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:23,701
They were all fake.
473
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,336
- Hey, dr. Armond...
- That's detective smart.
474
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:28,739
- I just wanted to say thank you
so much for this opportunity.
475
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,308
It was such a pleasure
to work with you.
476
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,677
- What an honor it has been
to play cat and mouse with you.
477
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,512
- There he is.
- Planning to slaughter
478
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,280
And consume people.
479
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,782
But in fact,
just be a hired hand
480
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,350
In a much larger game.
481
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:42,954
- Hello there, armond, it's
your old friend kelsey grammer.
482
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,323
Joke's on you, pal.
483
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,425
- Personally, I wondered why
you never figured it out
484
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:49,727
Why I was laughing
through your whole trial.
485
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:52,096
- You're a boring,
predictable bitch,
486
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,064
And that's why I did this.
487
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,433
- You know, I never--I never
thought to dream this big...
488
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:56,934
- Oh, don't cry,
detective smart.
489
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,503
- ...You guys again,
if we ever, you know,
490
00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,438
Mess with somebody else
for another two years.
491
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,706
So thank you.
- And, dad,
492
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:04,342
I have one last
big surprise for you.
493
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,077
- Wow, there she is.
494
00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:10,181
Oh, shannon, how I long
to see you again.
495
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,517
[footsteps]
496
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,653
And there she is.
497
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,023
Is it just me, or is it
getting warm in here?
498
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,626
- [laughs]
499
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:22,660
- She's gorgeous.
500
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,129
Hello, shannon.
- Well, hello, armond.
501
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,064
- You look more beautiful
than ever.
502
00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:27,798
- Thank you.
503
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,635
- I've been searching
for your killer the whole time.
504
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,470
- I know.
- Even better than the killer,
505
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,072
I found you.
- Oh, armond!
506
00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:38,176
Those were the nicest words that
you've ever said to me.
507
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,845
- [laughs] that's a--
that's really sweet.
508
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:44,515
- I got in on the hoax
because I thought you would--
509
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,484
You could live your life
and grown...
510
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,920
- Yeah, uh-huh.
- And then if you'd come back
511
00:19:48,922 --> 00:19:49,820
To me...
- Sure, mm-hmm.
512
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:53,090
- Then we would have such
the best relationship ever.
513
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,293
- What an adventure.
I feel like gulliver,
514
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,128
From gulliver's travels,
the book.
515
00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:59,630
- Oh, nice.
I love gulliver.
516
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:02,867
- Well, thinking about
all the coordinating roman did
517
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:05,136
And all the money of mine
that he spent,
518
00:20:05,138 --> 00:20:07,438
Thinking about all of you
helping to do it,
519
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,874
My heart is bursting
with love.
520
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,142
- Don't thank us there, pal.
521
00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:14,212
Thank yourself,
'cause you gave us quite a show.
522
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,048
- I meant it as a metaphor,
but my heart is bursting,
523
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:20,551
Literally, through my chest.
524
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,720
There it is.
There's blood.
525
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,889
Oh, no.
526
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,857
But his heart is
actually bursting.
527
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:29,894
If I had any last words,
it would be that my life
528
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,331
Was a-okay.
[bell dings]
529
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:37,134
- Medic.
530
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,603
- Tell roman I loved him.
531
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:43,441
Well, well, well, that was
an extra-large unexpected twist.
532
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,243
- Uh, here's another twist.
533
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,510
Everyone wins.
534
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:48,613
- Well, how about that?
535
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:51,749
- Safe passage, dr. Armond.
536
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:52,883
He doesn't win.
537
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:56,020
He just gets the quiet peace
of the next life.
538
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,323
- ♪ you did it ♪
539
00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:03,327
- Ha ha.
Good at bizness.
540
00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:07,932
- Ow.
541
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,233
- Congratulations, dr. Armond.
542
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,235
You know what I mean?
'cause you got played.
543
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:13,137
We've been a part
of this adventure
544
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:14,405
From the very beginning.
545
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,173
- Talking about the ride
that I've been on,
546
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:17,808
How about the ride
that you've been on?
547
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:20,411
- You went on the adventure
of a lifetime.
548
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:20,444
I love you.
41663
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