Original subtitles

- Boy, what a road trip.

- Yeah, we're a couple of new york elitist intellectuals

Who've decided to leave the big city

And explore this great nation.

- Citizens of the world at large.

Let's do this.

- After you.

Both: Oh...

Hello.

- This is don's pawns.

I'm don.

[bluesy rock music]

- We got a couple items that we're looking to pawn.

- Well, you came to the right place.

- This is a big scooper for cocaine.

[sniffs] put it right up your schnoz.

- Okay, cool. This is worthless.

That's worthless.

[whistle toots] all right, so that's worthless.

Let's see what else is in your bag of [bleep].

- Now, rutiger, is it?

- My name's don. - Don.

Are you interested in luxury items?

- Of course.

- What if I told you-- and I don't need to,

'cause I'm holding it-- that I have a band-aid.

This is both from my hand and from a pool.

- Why don't we move on to...

- Since you don't want to buy anything from our box,

Perhaps we need to move on to exhibit t.

- What? [gasps]

What is the meaning of this?

- [laughs] - don!

- What is that? What is this?

- It's a sandwich. Dude, that's crazy, dude.

- That's a lot of tuna fish, isn't it?

- It's a lot. It's too much!

- It's too much...

- Tuna!

[upbeat big band music]

How much tuna is that?

- Is that too much tuna? [both laugh]

[upbeat big band music]

- You guys rock. You kick ass.

- You guys are real salt of the earth.

- You know what? We love tuna.

- The best day of my life, dude.

- Years ago, we decided,

Why don't we just take some too much tuna

And make a lot of people very happy.

- I'm an idiot! [laughs]

- Whoo!

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

I was once flying from l.A. To new york

And went through tsa, and they asked for my license.

And at that moment, I realize, I don't have my license.

All I have as a picture I.D. Is my marijuana license

To get medical marijuana in los angeles.

- Because of your great illnesses.

- Because of my great illnesses, which is anxiety

And my neck hurts sometimes.

- [chuckles]

- And so I gave it to the clearly jamaican tsa agent.

He looks at it and just goes... [snickers]

[in jamaican accent] okay, man. Okay, man.

[reggae music]

- Show us your songs.

As you know, every four years,

We open up "show us your songs" to all the happy citizens

Of the queen's commonwealth...

- Leading up to the great finale in london, England.

- Here we are in jamaica.

All due praise to jah.

Let's all welcome our guest judge

For our jamaican auditions, jeffrey anderson-gunter.

- Yell up. Yell up. Respect and respect, yes.

- Welcome jamaica.

Me name dexter, and I do impressions.

- Okay.

- [as gene] okay.

How 'bout some canadian bacon?

I'm gene creemers.

- [laughing]

That is spot-on.

- [laughs]

[normal voice] me just like gene creemers.

- Listen, I'm gonna need you to stop making fun of me.

- [as gene] I'm gonna need you to

Stop making fun of me.

- Enough! - Enough!

- He could be your stand-in.

- No. - Yes.

- No. Both: Yes!

- Go wherever you want, but you're not going to london.

- You're going to london. I'm using my judge override.

You're going to london.

- All right, now that we're nice and irie,

Let's get on with our next act, jah praise.

- Yeah.

- Actually, I'm from pakistan.

I'm not from jamaica.

- Pakistan?

- It's a nightmare over there.

- As you know, the short history of young pakistan

Has been mired in conflict with our brothers to the east.

- That part of the world's a hotbed for conflict.

Everyone's shooting rockets over onto the other side.

Hey, read the lorax.

- But I have a solution

As to how these long-lost brothers

Can finally see eye to eye.

My song is peace.

- ♪ oh ♪

- ♪ you did it ♪

- Whoa! - Nice.

- You can shield your eyes from the sun,

But you can't shield it from truth.

- If it was up to me, I wouldn't be

Sending you along to london.

I would hope to see you again at our auditions in india

To see if you've perfected your act a little more.

- You have-- you have auditions in india?

- Mm-hmm.

Right after we go to jamaica, we're going to india.

- Why didn't you tell me to come there?

That would've been way more convenient.

- Blah, blah, blah.

Bumbaclot, bumbaclot.

You're going to london.

- Yeah!

[laughs]

- Thank you.

- You're gonna have to pay your own way.

- Oh.

- To london.

- ♪ we're jammin' ♪

♪ we're jammin' ♪

♪ we're jammin' ♪

Both: Welcome to pawnsylvania.

- Hey, where youse want me to put these bullets, pookie?

- Oh, put 'em next to them hollowed-out grenades.

Whoa, look who's here! Both: Hey.

- I got something to pawn youse guys.

Brotherly love.

[rock music]

- What's up, man? How's it going?

- Things were doing pretty good

Until I ended up in this [bleep] town.

- [laughs] don't dis it till you miss it.

- I bet you $50 that the next guy

To walk into this lousy establishment's

Gonna be wearing a off-brand penguins jersey.

- I can't do that around deb.

- Mm-mm. - [chuckles]

- 75.

- [laughs] all right, dude.

I'm not gonna take it.

- Frick! I would have won $50.

- You getting angry. - Crap!

- Dude, we're next to a church full of nuns.

Murph comes in here with guns blazing

Like tommy cruise in jack reacher.

I'm like, "what's going on in your nebby head?"

- Looking to get out of the house for a little awhile,

Get away from my home.

You gonna sue me for leaving my house for a weekend?

Go ahead.

- Is everything all right with you and murph?

He don't look so good.

- That dirt showed up knocking for youse?

Deb, ask him what happened to our savings.

He's got me feeling so low, like I'm tom hanks

Walking around rittenhouse square with aids.

- So, murph, what brings you to pittsburgh again?

- Oh, I'm going over to that p.A. Pawn shop

Owner-operator conference in erie.

Thought I'd stop by on the way.

- I don't think the pawn-ference is till August.

- I left teresa.

- That's not what teresa says.

- You talked to her on the phone?

- She was putting pop in your second fridge.

- I'm four irons in. You got to catch up.

- Maybe you could have a pop instead.

- I don't even feel a thing until my sixth.

- We need to get you some pop at the store,

And you better get out on the grass.

- Don't you worry about me. I got a plan.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

I'm anthony downpour,

And this is the channel six action weather accu forecast

And lotto drawing.

- I always like getting my numbers from anthony downpour

'cause I get the weather too.

- So tomorrow we can expect a high of...

28.

And our lotto number is...

11.

On Thursday, we'll see a high of 26.

And for our big five lotto number...

- Yeah, maybe you'll win.

There's only, like, what,

14 million people in pennsylvania?

- The odds aren't bad. - Your chances are real good.

- And our pick five number is...

72.

I wish it was the other way around,

'cause then the temperature would be 72--

Nice.

And then the pick five would be 35,

Which doesn't affect anything

Except certain people's numbers that they picked.

- Frick! Frick! Crap.

- I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce the witness.

This is joanne. What are you, 5'10''?

Probably like 5'11''.

- I lost everything.

- Don't tell me youse lost the house.

- Even worse.

What's going on with my face here?

- It's--you got three rivers

Coming down out of your eyes, bro.

- I ain't ever cried before. - Let it out, man.

It's like the monongahela and the allegheny

Forming on your upper lip to make the ohio.

- Now the bookies are gonna come after me.

I gave them all my money. They still want more.

That's why I had to take a greyhound here.

- Oof.

Better to crawl on the ground

Than taking a greyhound.

- What do we know?

- We were about to catch the drug dealer,

But he blew off the rendezvous at the last second.

- Someone must have tipped him off.

- You don't think they have someone on the inside?

- Get me hard copies of the car phone call records.

- But that'll take four to five business days.

- Well, I've got just one question

For you, rookie.

[electronics whirring]

Does your office...

Have the internet?

- He was one of the toughest sheriffs

In all of albuquerque, new mexico,

Until an encounter with a rogue yellow jacket

That left him stunned and on the ground.

- I'm allergic to bees.

- His lifeless body was reanimated...

- It's just a bee sting.

- And equipped with the latest in modern hardware.

He now uses his microchip-powered brain

In his relentless pursuit of dangerous criminals.

Is he a man? Is he a machine?

He is manchine.

- How's it coming along?

- Hold your dingoes, stephanie.

I'm downloading literally hundreds of kilobytes

Of information.

[computer beeping]

- I could come back when it's closer to being ready.

- Stay. - Okay.

- I just want to make it clear, we need access to the phones.

If we don't call in lunch by noon,

It'll never be ready. - Well, I'm hungry.

I'd love a sausage sizzle or something.

But I don't know if he eats food.

[modem beeping]

[upbeat music]

- Oh, hello there,

And welcome to the last hotbed

Of unadulturated, pure racism, south africa.

- I don't feel it's worth

Bringing that up here, to be honest.

We know it's a problem. - This is roz han.

She's a lpga golfer/reality show star.

- I'm wearing black and white today

Because of south africa's history of apartheid.

But now black and white can live together happily

Much of the time.

- And I'm wearing beige, because I'm told

It makes my eyes pop.

Show us your songs here.

[keyboard playing]

- ♪ I'm thinking 'bout ♪

♪ you and me sitting in a sauna ♪

That's all right, isn't it? - [chuckles]

- ♪ thinking 'bout ♪

♪ wayne rooney kicking from the corner ♪

♪ premier league football and you ♪

♪ there's nothing I wouldn't do ♪

♪ watch premier league football ♪

♪ if you would be my girlfriend ♪

- So you flew yourself down here.

- Yeah.

- And now you have to go

All the way back to london.

- Yeah.

- When is our travel department gonna get this right?

- You steal that?

- No, I didn't steal it. No.

- Do you need a crust of bread of anything?

Maybe a little bit of soup or gruel or something?

[laughs]

'cause you seem like a street rat

From the edwardian period.

- Give it a go, mate.

- I feel like he could be modeling

For calvin klein, the way he looks.

Look at him.

I mean, I know he might have stolen the piano,

But he looks bloody gorgeous.

- Why don't you lay off him, gene?

He's a musician.

He's an artist, just like me,

And you just don't even understand it.

- Listen, I'm about-- - 'cause you're just an actor.

- I'm about to hook him up.

Listen, you're garbage, okay?

You got no talent, but I like your style, all right?

See you in london, you street rat.

[laughing]

You're going to london.

- Yeah, I live in london,

So I'm going--going there.

- Coach teacher, that's me.

Well. [clears throat]

- [indistinct high-pitched rapping]

♪ ♪

[electronic dance music]

[squeals]

- Yup.

You know, I hate your act.

I hate it so much that I want to throw up.

And with the shock stuff with the nelson mandela thing,

Don't put the modern-day gandhi in your song

In a disrespectful way, okay?

That's what you don't want to do.

- This is our style.

This is how we do it in south africa.

And if you don't like it, we don't need you around.

- I just think that madiba is worthy of our respect

And shouldn't be [bleep] upon by just hooligans.

- Well, maybe they're deserving of your respect.

Nobody listens to you.

Nobody cares about your opinion.

Are you guys-- would you ever watch this show?

Both: No.

- Gene creemers, you can take that hand and...

[horn blares] as possible...

- Pardon?

- And... [horn blares]

'cause you can... [horn blares]

- Did you get that? Did you get that on camera?

You see that kid? He's garbage.

He's trash. All right?

- This show's amazing.

- [laughs] pathetic.

You win. [laughs]

You're going to london.

[upbeat music]

[alarm blaring]

- Has gene creemers lost his mind?

- Bryan stormed offstage, and I can't say I blame him.

Stop picking on bryan, old man.

- You don't know who you're messing with.

- We're here for you, bryan.

- ♪ I miss you ♪

♪ when you're far away ♪

- Any shout-outs to the-- anything in the commonwealth?

You've both spent time in london and scotland and...

- I guess I'll give a shout-out

To the 25 coffee shops in scotland

That claimed that j.K. Rowling wrote her novels there.

- [laughs] - that's beautiful.

[bluesy rock music]

- It feels a little weird taking help

From my weird cousin don, but honestly,

I'm at the end of my rope.

- Little does he know,

One of the top pop artists of all time

Lived in pittsburgh

Before he moved to new york.

- All right, this one's called

Three men and a little painting.

It's basically a collaboration between him

And a young black artist he met in new york city in the '80s--

- Okay, you know what?

The only art I'm interested in

Is the tattoo that my girl's got on her back

Of the liberty bell where the crack

Is her crack.

- That's hot. - I'm out of here.

- All right, see you later. - Real classy.

- Yeah.

[pensive guitar music]

You like that one, huh?

- It's beautiful.

Like my girl in the morning

After she puts on her brown lip liner

Before she fills it in with lipstick.

- This is from a period where he was exploring

Having a bunch of dudes whip it out

And whiz all over canvases.

- Transcendent.

I saw this pee painting, and I just immediately,

Pow, thought of teresa.

- Did you ever play corn hole?

- Corn hole? - Yeah.

It's like two wooden planks with holes in them.

You chuck beanbags through it.

- I entered you in this.

- Whoa.

What the hell is this?

- That, sir, is the pennsylvania olympics,

The turnpike tourney, the commonwealth games.

- For real?

- Nah, it's just a couple of jagoffs

From the bar down the street.

They come over, deb makes pierogies,

We play corn hole.

It's called corn hole, and it [bleep] rules.

Never won before, and this feels like my year.

- We'll see what happens. [both chuckle]

[rock music]

What do you think about people from pittsburgh?

- I've met very few of them, honestly.

I think I've only met probably five in my lifetime

That I can think of off the top of my head.

- Well, 'cause they can't leave.

They're all stuck in the mines.

- That's right. It's like the hobbit.

[both laughing]

They're a bunch of dwarves

Carving out the mountains.

[rock music]

[computer beeps] - got it.

Don't come any closer.

I can't have coffee near my keyboard.

Okay, I've been granted access to the phone records.

The last number to call that car phone

Came from inside this building.

All I need now is access to the phone extensions.

- As the only other australian working for the u.S. Government,

I want to be on your side,

But your job is information retrieval,

Not stirring up a hornet's nest.

- Come on, stephanie.

Not only are we both aussies,

But we're clearly in love.

- You're right, brick. We are in love.

But we can't be together because you're half machine

And half man, and I am one whole woman.

But do you know what I can do?

I can go right now and get those extensions for you.

- Thank you.

I don't trust any full human in this office.

Better ask jeeves.

- Hello, sir.

- Yes, jeeves.

I need access to the phone records for the building.

- She told you not to stir up a hornet's nest.

- That's where you're wrong, jeeves.

You're my butler who lives inside of me,

And I need that information.

And while you're at it, get me a cup of digital tea.

[laughs] - good-bye, sir.

- Bye, jeeves.

- I got the list of extensions.

Now we just have to read them.

[dramatic music]

He's getting away!

♪ ♪

- [grunting]

- Suck my disk.

[rock music]

- Hey there, planet earth.

It's about time to show us your songs, commonwealth.

Here we are in australia,

Land of the queen's jumping dogs.

With me permanently is r. Shrift.

- Ah. Gene creemers.

Truly an honor to be at the judging table with you.

- Honor to be working with you.

And a big fan of all your australian syndicated shows.

- Who could forget my first big success, rocks & roll,

About a renegade geologist?

I followed that up with another hit show

That went into syndication,

Manchine.

I went to make dentist the mentalist.

You're gonna need a filling.

- Do I have a cavity?

- No.

But you will.

- Oh. - I can tell.

I've got psychic powers.

The latest show that I'm cooking up

Is the most exciting one I've ever made.

- Hit me with it.

- It's called blackface.

- Black--blackface?

- It's the story of a australian miner.

- Okay.

- He returns to the surface of the earth blinded...

- Okay. - Not only to the light...

- That's a--that's a problem. - But to injustice.

We need to stop this.

I know a huge amount of people

Who wouldn't appreciate you saying anything close to that.

Are you done?

- For now. - Okay.

Before we throw another song on the barbie,

Let's meet one of our song faces.

- Hey. [chuckles]

I'm thomas taluapapa mcmullin.

I am from samoa,

And my song is my breakdance.

Every morning, I wake up, I try to find something

To dance on--a banana leaf, something like this.

The better dancer I get, the less I rip up

The banana leaf, yeah?

So then I just keep on dancing

Until there was no rips in the banana leaf,

And then I knew I was good.

But then I got over to this fiji feet fest, yeah?

And then all of a sudden, I heard a snap.

Just the middle of my back.

And they carried me off on a banana leaf.

Something that I used to train on

Now the thing that I'm getting carried off on.

But now I'm back.

Sometime, maybe mother and brother

Think it's too early for me to jump back in there,

But I got the heart.

I got the spirit.

I'm coming for you, gene. [laughs]

- [laughing] okay.

That featurette was a real fandango.

Now let's see what you have to bring here.

- I'm gonna do a little dancing.

I'm coming after you, gene.

- All right, sa-mo-us your songs.

[both laugh]

- Great one, gene.

[hip-hop music]

There you go. - All right.

- I like what I'm seeing so far.

- Uh-oh, I like his pretty diaper.

- Show us what you got, thomas.

- ♪ yourself, a'ight ♪ [sharp crack]

[solemn music] - uh-oh.

- What's wrong there, thomas?

- Thomas.

You're good? You done?

Okay, well, you can go to london.

That's fine.

[both crying]

[bluesy rock music]

- Keep your eye on the bag, jag. [laughs]

[all cheer] oh, man.

I've been doing this tournament for a number of years.

I've never been the champion of it, per se,

But, you know, I feel good about today.

[laughing]

Darren, you suck, dude.

- Oh!

I'm feeling pretty good.

I ain't bet on anything,

And I haven't had a drink

Besides water in a fort.

- Whoa, dude, slider.

Murph's killing it.

- I'm in the zone. Auto zone.

- Hey! - There you go.

[country music]

[all cheer]

- [laughing]

Whatever.

- So it's just me and my cousin murph in the finals.

- Let's go, babe. - [grunts]

- Oh! - Ooh.

- Damn! - Hey, don.

This one's for the win. - Yeah, I know.

- You've taught me everything I know.

When I drop this bag in that hole right there--

- Yo, murph.

- Teresa?

How'd you get here? - Joe drove me.

- Yeah, I drove her.

- Teresa? What the heck is she doing here?

And joe's there too.

- Don called me and told me

How much better of a man you've become

Since you seen that pee painting, okay?

- Honestly, I'm so touched

By everything that don done did for me.

[sobs] - poor baby.

- So this tourney's pretty important to you, huh?

- Never won before, and this feels like my year.

- I wish there was some way to repay him.

[all cheer] - ♪ you did it ♪

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I'm the champion of keystone state!

Frick this cesspool.

I hope your whole goddamn city

Goes up in an abandoned factory fire.

I'll tell you what's important, is winning.

'cause that's what philly guys do.

- Joe, can you get yourself home?

We're taking your car.

- Party's over! You hear me?

Leave, jagoffs!

I didn't win the corn hole, but we snagged 100 bucks

Selling them pierogies, so who wins?

[laughs] - youse want a beer, hon?

- Yeah, I want a beer, deb.

- Here's six of 'em.

- ♪ what city are we in ♪

- Ha ha. Good at bizness.

- Ow.

- What are you doing?

- Your daughter's gonna have a cavity.

- She's got plenty of time to improve her hygiene.

- All those baby teeth are gonna fall right out of her face.

- What about me?

- You're gonna need a filling.