Original subtitles

- Gua gua! Ha ha!

- You've probably heard him on bryan lacroix's

Ottawanna go to bed remix...

- ♪ ottawanna go to bed ♪

- Stay up all night! Ha ha!

- But we've got the exclusive interview

With pop sensation, señor feeture.

- You know, for me, it's all about the hustle, you know?

I come from florida, you know, fort lauderdale,

But because I like to [bleep] feet, I call it foot lauderdale.

[laughs]

- And if you haven't guessed it already,

Señor feeture loves to [bleep] feet.

- Love it. Love to [bleep] feet.

Love to smell feet.

I'm the king of my own digital kingdom.

I'm in a green screen prison.

Ha ha! Señor feeture.

- In an effort to maximize his guest star appearances,

Feeture lives, works,

And sleeps on a green screen set that he designed.

- And then, when I collaborate with bryan lacroix,

Ottawanna go to bed, you know,

He in canada, I'm in this green screen prison.

I can be on that show, no problem.

[laughs]

People ask me all the time,

"señor feeture, how do you get from fort lauderdale all the way

To a green screen prison?"

And I always say the same thing, man.

"hard work."

Ha ha! Señor feeture!

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- When pitbull and kesha came together to make timber,

And I was like, "oh, the two worst [bleep] humans

"on the planet.

"this is gonna be a nightmare.

This is terrible."

And then by week two, I was like, "it's kind of catchy."

- It's heritage week. Take a few extra seconds

To enjoy classmates' projects,

But be safe, and don't be late. - Turnips? Rutabaga?

Canadian beets?

Boy, the root vegetable's so versatile.

- Good morning, mikey. - Far out.

Oh, hey, tunes.

- Oh, don't let me crowd you.

I'll look at the poster when you're done.

- Hey, what's all the excitement about?

- We're hosting the national model parliament

Right here at school.

- That's right, tunes.

Delegates from all provinces and territories are arriving now.

- Are those fishermen from prince edward island?

- Yep, and they've all got big muscles.

- Oh, look at that.

The population from saskatchewan.

- Interesting creatures, there.

- Our model parliament is so varied in population,

Just like the root vegetable.

- My wife sure makes a heck of a rutabaga stew.

- How is your wife, coach teacher?

- Oh, I don't want to talk about that.

[ticking]

[electronic beeps] - hmm.

Whoa!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[bell rings]

- Locker blow-up. What a fandango.

- Who would do such a thing?

- We'll get to the bottom of this.

- Whoa, real-life mounties.

- Lieutenant royale peter mcminniman.

- Mountie graham.

- How did you arrive so very quickly?

- Well, you know our motto.

"justice is never more than a horse-length away."

- Unless you're in the states, then you're hooped.

[laughter]

- That's a good one.

- I'm kidding, of course. I'm the funny one.

- Well, who should we round up first,

The muslims or the americans?

- Well, that's not very canadian of you there, tunes.

As we know, anyone is capable of unspeakable evil.

- That's fair. [bell rings]

- Okay,

I hence-by call to session our national model parliament

In the queen's great land of ontario.

I see once again our friends from quebec

Have declined to participate,

In another smack in the face to our royal democracy.

Inuit andy, you have the floor.

- I'd like to make a motion that we move to the big table.

- Motion denied. [bangs gavel]

Have a seat, eskimo!

We had a locker blow-up this morning,

And you're talking about tables, all right?

[door opens] - excuse us.

Pardon us. Excuse me.

Sorry for the interruption.

Please pardon. - All right.

Take a quick recess, talk to these mounties.

- We would like to speak to the student

Michael gerald mckenzie st. George.

- I'd be happy to answer any and all questions.

I have total faith in the canadian legal process.

- Mikey, clearly guilty, is hereby dismissed.

- You know what I just discovered?

We were talking about it the other day.

There is no canadian cuisine.

What we have is borrowed cuisines

From all other... - Yes.

- Areas of the world.

I think if there's

Anything that's particular to canadians,

It's probably poutine.

- Poutine. - Yeah.

- Yeah. Sorry, I got an itch.

- He loves you. - Oh, god, how you doing, buddy?

Hey, keno. Yeah, bro.

I like you too, bro.

I like you too, man.

- You have a way with animals.

- You ever [bleep] a horse?

- Ruth diamond-phillips.

- Ah! Oh!

- Oh, goodness. It's even sadder with the lights on.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I want to cut my eyes out with my gel tips.

- How'd you get in my apart-- my apartment?

- Ruth, I'm here to help you.

- Do what?

- To look like dis!

[laughs] look like dis!

Everyone wants to be me, farley.

[giggles]

[screaming] - oh, my god!

Oh! Damn it! I'm gonna be on look like dis?

- Yes. - I'm ruth diamond-phillips.

I'm an attorney.

- Ruth was a perfect candidate to come get a makeover,

Because she lookeded disgusting.

Let's peruse those outfits

I have not already destroyed with fire.

Oopsie. - Oh, no, no, no, no!

I'm very afraid of fire.

- ♪ my fire is flame, my-my-my fire is flame ♪

- No, no, no, no, no,

No, no, no! - [stammers]

- We here at the show give to a lot of charities

And work with a lot of unfortunate people,

But this is really something that belongs with them.

- That one, I do think we should toss.

- Ruth diamond-phillips, you need help.

- All right. Okay.

- But before I invest my time, talent, and treasure

Trying to make you look like dis...

- [stammers]

- I need to know something, ruth.

Do you trust me? - Yes.

- Do you-- oh, you already said yes.

- I said that I do. Yeah, I do, so...

- Okay, cool. Let's hit it.

- I can't wait to look like dis.

First of all, thank you for being with me in public.

- I might try these on for you.

Okay? - Okay.

Well, farley says to me she's gonna try on the clothes.

Well, fine, you know, I don't know the rules.

I don't go shopping with the girls very much.

- When it's you, if you look like dis...

Flounce. Flounce.

Flounce. Flounce. - But, for court--

- Hold up, your honor. [bleep] that.

- What if they all just laughed at me

If I came in there with that sort of--

- Slap they faces!

If someone laughs at you

For what you wear,

Look within yourself

And beat their ass.

When this judge sees ruth in her new makeover,

He's gonna want to be very dishonorable.

- I shouldn't have intercourse with the judge.

That's actually really over the line.

- Coming up, on look like dis...

Bobby!

What the hell are you doing here during my makeover show?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I [bleep] love you, I guess.

- What do you guys think of a goatee?

- No. - Awful.

A nightmare. And it's disgusting.

There's always [bleep] in it.

- It's so bad.

It's so [bleep] dumb.

- No disrespect to both camera guys,

But I feel in my heart of hearts,

I like a clean-shaven, just--

- The idea of a face with a goatee on it

Getting anywhere near my [bleep]

Makes me want to kill myself and that person.

I would literally become a murderer.

[cheers and applause]

- Afternoon, everybody.

All: Bill walton.

- What do you say, bill?

- Not a whole hell of a lot,

Thanks to this dry mouth.

[piano music]

- ♪ I wanna go where nobody knows my face ♪

♪ where people are people and nobody crowds your space ♪

♪ I wanna go where people don't care ♪

♪ whether or not I'm there ♪

♪ all I need is a drink and a chair ♪

- Everybody, stay out of the pool room.

My water just broke.

- You need a ride to the hospital?

- Ah, it's fine, larry. I can handle it.

I've done this five times. Or is it six?

- You gonna ask the doctor for some painkillers?

- Of course I am. I'm not a [bleep] idiot.

- Could you get some for me?

- What do you need 'em for, bill?

- My feet are in constant pain, larry.

- Oh, my back's aching me something good.

- Well, my feet hurt worse.

I need my feet to walk.

- Yeah, but I got to carry my whole team on my back.

- Well, there's more bones in the human foot

Than in the human back.

- Well, as a fellow tall white man,

We both have extra bones in our body,

And we should be blessed because it's given us extra height

And we can play basketball and-- - yeah, well, I'm about to push

An entire baby out of my vagina,

So why don't you both shut up?

- All right, hold on a second, here, hold on a second.

If maureen's gonna go to the hospital,

Who's gonna serve us beer? - Don't sweat it.

My stuck-up sister imogene is gonna fill in for me.

- Imogene? Sounds nice.

- Oh, she's not nice.

Believe me, she's a real drag.

- Oh, so she's a feller?

- Huh. Well, either way, don't worry about it.

I'll pop out this little squirrel.

I'll be back in no time.

- Larry, I'm sure you could take a nap

In the back office if you so desire.

- No, I don't need to take a nap.

Just that between playing professional basketball

And tending bar, my back's a real mess.

I'm sorry for bragging about having two jobs.

I've got to brag about something.

[applause]

- Ah, excuse me.

I'm looking for sam. - I don't know who sam is.

I'm larry bird.

- Why is maureen talking weird?

- This is her twin sister.

- Sam? Are you sam?

You must be sam. Sam?

- I like your new voice, maureen.

- He plays mikey on wheels ontario,

But you know him better as the actor and entertainer

Bryan lacroix.

This is our weekly cheque-in

With our in-house bryantologists,

The hoffman twins!

- This week on wheels ontario,

A locker exploded.

- Will things ever be the same?

Wheels has gotten very dark this year.

- I noticed that.

- Now, before we begin the questions,

You, of course, have the right to refuse to answer

So as not to incriminate yourself or your loved ones.

- I have nothing to hide.

- You also have the right to free health care,

Salaried higher education,

Comfortable housing, organic produce...

- Heh. Like root vegetables.

- Eight years paid vacation, a free truck,

And leather boots delivered annually at taxpayers' expense.

- Cool. - Excellent.

Now, I'd like to ask you about your friend, tunes.

- Who, tunes?

She's a fantastic poet, a fabulous teen mum,

And her hat game is off the charts.

- Would you say that she has a history

Of extremism or violence?

- Tunes? Heck no.

Although she did gun-shoot me

Because of her affiliation with a hard-core gang.

- Take a hit. [rock music]

- [in slow motion] ow! - ♪ it's a complex story ♪

- Wait a moment.

You don't think that tunes is responsible

For that locker blow-up?

Oh, mashed potatoes.

Is it too late for me to invoke my right to silence?

- Oh, no, of course not.

Of course, we've already heard everything we need to hear.

- Nice jail cell here, tunes.

Reminds me of the long, barefoot summers

I used to spend with my grandfather up in dwight.

- Mm, food's not bad, either.

- So tunes,

You're not responsible for the locker blow-up, are you?

- I don't think so.

But lieutenant royale said they found my dna

All over it. - Dna?

- It's a science term from the states.

It's like a architectural of your human details.

- Oh. - For example,

The baby that tunes and I have shares our dna.

- Cool science example.

- Ah, sure, happy to teach anytime I can coach or teach.

- But tunes, they found your dna all over the site.

How is that possible?

- I don't know.

I'm just a single mother

In high school, not a scientist from the states.

[chuckles]

- Well, we don't want to interrupt your afternoon tea

And stogie, but we'll clear your name, tunes.

- Thanks, mikey.

I'd appreciate it.

[bell rings]

- Hmm, so the locker blow-up went off

At 41 a.M. Past the 8.

Tunes and I were discussing root vegetables.

I wonder how she's doing? [gasps]

Tunes? At school?

[rock music]

And she's out of her chair?

Pardon.

Pardon.

Pardon.

Pardon, pardon, pardon.

♪ ♪

Tunes!

How are you running around, tunes?

I don't understand.

- [speaking french]

- You wet the concrete.

- Tunes has a twin sister?

- Omg, we're twins.

- But tunes' sister's evil.

- Is one of us evil?

- Good-bye. - Bye!

- You're wack, but I can change that.

Do you even know what silk is, you dumb bitch?

Bobby!

What the hell are you doing here during my makeover show?

- Who's bobby? - Stop it, ruth.

- I never know what's in store for us,

And yet here we are, us, in a store.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Are my eyes playing [bleep] tricks on me?

What's that little dickhead doing here?

- We were in the middle of a makeover.

- Yeah, well, I'm in the middle of a makeover too.

Maybe we got a new top-secret look

That we can't yet very much identify out loud,

But maybe it has to do with cowboy boots--

- And maybe it's about shiny shirts with snap buttons.

- And maybe it's about going country,

But that's yet to be very much revealed.

- Every time bobby comes in with his manipulations

And calculations, I fall prey to it.

But I need him to get out of my [bleep] show.

What's that smell? What is that?

- That's my cologne gum, ck gum.

- I love gum. So I was like, "okay."

- Yeah, I have to be at court in an hour.

- [inhales deeply] oh.

- And it's going for a swim in the pool

Right in the middle of this shrubbery.

- Ahh.

- I've never been in the middle

Of a "will they or won't they" situation,

But I am wondering will they dress me for court,

Because I really am running late.

I have to be in court in an hour!

God darn it!

- Oh, our little psycho bitch just woke up.

Give me ten minutes, and I'll get you all slutted up

And turned into a whore for the courthouse.

- Are we on tv here?

- Yo, check us out later.

Peter and bobby going country later.

[both laugh] - oh! Ahh!

- I have no idea what will happen.

Whoo! [clears throat]

I'm sorry that I'm late. - Miss diamond-phillips,

That outfit is completely inappropriate for court.

- I brought a briefcase.

- But it's not inappropriate for dinner with me tonight.

- I'll allow it.

- Case dismissed. [bangs gavel]

- How do you feel about twins?

- Fraternal or identical? - Fraternal.

- They're [bleep]. [laughter]

- Identical. - They're great.

- I'm here to do demeaning restaurant work

In place of my boorish twin, maureen.

- Oh, you must be imogene.

- Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

- Nice to meet you. I'm larry bird.

I'll get down, be gentle.

Ow, ow, ow, my back.

Ow, ow, my back.

- Oh, doctor kelsey grammer. Enchanté.

- Boy, you sure do move gracefully.

- A lady's elbow should never go below her bosom.

- Ha! Finally, a chairs employee with some real class.

- Smells like fake flowers in here.

- How dare you!

If you think for one second

That I would be interested in a brute like you,

Oh, well, I'm... I'm simply not.

- Well, I don't-- I'm not trying to hit on you.

I prefer to be on my own.

- Yeah, I bet you'd just love to throw me

Over your shoulder, wouldn't you?

- It'd be heck on my back.

- Larry, I think she's horny.

- You take your best shot at me,

And you will not make it.

- I can hit a half-court shot with my eyes closed,

And if you want to challenge me to basketball, or love,

Or anything else, I'm a competitor,

And I will straight up kill you.

- Kill me, then. Kill me.

- I'd like to kiss you, but I don't have any lips.

Ow, my cheek. - Sorry.

- Eyes up, skid marks. I'm back.

- How was childbirth, maureen?

- Well, the good news-- it was short and painful.

The bad news-- I did have a little squirrel.

Hold the phone. Where's my sister imogene?

- She left. She said she gonna be in movies.

- You know what? She's inspired me.

I'm gonna leave the show too.

- That's a terrible idea, bill walton.

- Have we met?

- I'm ted williams' head.

- Holy [bleep], that's crazy.

What are you gonna do, kelsey?

- I'll be going to do the show frasier with my friend,

David hyde pierce and john mahoney.

Five emmys, three golden globes.

- I don't think anyone wants to watch a show

About a pompous fake british piece of [bleep] like you.

- I'll take it.

- ♪ and a chair ♪

- What do you think is the main stereotype about canadians

That you would challenge?

- The main--you go, graham. - Um...

- That was a perfectly canadian thing to do, right there.

- No, it's very nice of you.

- Well, after you, though. - Yeah.

[bell rings] - okay, children,

Quiet down there.

Model parliament is now model chamber of justice.

- The perpetrator of this morning's

Locker blow-up stands before you.

- [speaking french]

- I can't believe tunes has a twin sister from quebec.

A separatist, no less. [scoffs]

- [speaking french]

- Pardon, but I think I've heard just about enough of this.

Look before you.

From the forced labor camps of saskatchewan,

To the bustling methadone clinics of vancouver,

To the overtly vaginal oysters of prince edward island,

From the all-nude strip clubs of windsor, to the round, brown,

And ready to pound women of the northwest territories,

From the fiery tar sands of alberta,

To the fiery tar sands of the yukon,

Canada...Canada...

Canada stands united.

And when you finish paying your debt to society

In a safe and comfortable prison

Built exclusively for french-speaking women

Of asian ancestry,

There will still be a seat at the big table for you, quebec.

- There may be a seat. [mic feedback]

There definitely won't be for you there,

Inuit andy and northwest territories.

That table will remain small.

Enjoy your small table.

- [speaking french]

- In one ear, out the other.

- An evil twin sister--

It's like a horrors movie from the states.

- You mean every movie from the states?

[laughter]

- What a cut-up mountie graham turned out to be.

[cell phone vibrating]

- What's up, peter paparazzo?

- Bobby bottleservice, I've been thinking.

We've been gigolos and ghost bouncers.

What's next for us?

[country rap music]

- We should go country as business decision, bro.

♪ ♪

- But we can never lose touch with our cheesy club roots.

- [laughs] deal.

♪ I'm bobby b, ha! I'm going country ♪

- ♪ I'm peter p, I wear a hat now ♪

- ♪ I drive a truck, for girlz and bizness ♪

- ♪ I have a gun ♪ - cool!

- ♪ and I don't wear condoms ♪

- Very cool!

♪ twerk your partner, round and round ♪

- ♪ do-si-do and drop it down ♪

- ♪ grind back up and bow to your bro ♪

- Yee haw! - ♪ we country, yo ♪

Both: ♪ bro-oh-ing country bros ♪

♪ redneck and spray tan, the worst of both worlds ♪

♪ bro-oh-ing country bros ♪

♪ whiskey and vodka, the worst of both worlds ♪

- Damas y caballeros!

But mainly, los ladies! Ha ha!

Yo soy señor feeture. Toe-lé!

I want to [bleep] your feet. Venga!

♪ las chicas in miami, high heels and bikinis ♪

♪ san francisco hippie dippie dirty feet I will clean-y ♪

♪ a mi tejana girls, step on my face with your spurs ♪

♪ todas las country mujeres en el mundo ♪

♪ I wanna [bleep] your feet ♪

- ♪ I'm bobby b, ha! I'm going country ♪

♪ I'm peter p ♪

♪ we're making money ♪ - yee-haw!

Both: ♪ america, respect your country ♪

♪ support the troops, have sex in groups ♪

- Tengo mucho hombre, I want to eat your uñas de pies!

Ha ha! Señor feeture!

- Ow.

- Long after humanity is gone,

And los cucarachas rule the world, you know,

It's like, señor feeture's

Still here as a digital property.

You know what I'm saying? That's amazing.

Señor feeture, ha ha ha! Live forever!

Heh-hoo! Ha ha!