Original subtitles

- I'm not ready to reveal all the truth.

I was just like you--

Lost, out of control,

In total denial.

I had no idea what was going on around me.

Who's running the banks?

Who's running the government?

Who's running all the religious ideas?

And how does this all connect to the lizard people?

Over the last two months, I have been traveling the globe

Talking to the world's foremost experts,

And they have opened my eyes.

Come along!

- There have been people controlling stuff

In this country for centuries.

- How many legs does a lizard have?

- If you suggest that there's an illuminati,

Which we do... - These are the patterns

That shape our lives!

Our first truthling is a preeminent expert

In the field of alternative biology

And a close friend of over two years.

How are the lizard people controlling us?

- The mechanism chiefly used is temperature control,

Because they come from a warm climate,

And they understand that that gives them a speed advantage

Over us, being-- they think fast.

- Yes. - They move fast.

If you see a lizard scurrying, you think, "oh, it's very fast."

Even the higher-evolved ones, they're more like human beings,

They're fast also.

- And why... - [coughs]

- Is there mind control?

- There's mind control,

But through mechanisms that we're beginning to understand.

We're observing the behavior of the penguins.

- Yes.

- Because they're naturally cold-brained.

They thrive in this environment.

- Can penguins fly? - Penguins are not able to fly.

- [squawks]

- Open your eyes, world.

- When you confront this information, be bold.

Be bold. - Be bold, be brave.

- Be courageous with these numbers.

Do not shy away, because it's all--

- And also, if people do want to hire you

As a limo driver...

- I'm available for hire.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- [slurping]

- Oh, my goo-goo. - I'm back.

[chuckles, snorts]

- Liz, oh, my god.

Your bangs have, like, grown a lot.

Well, like, that's the least of it.

I've grown as well. Like, we're like...

- You're, like, my sister. It's like that movie frozen.

- We're like the sisters in the movie frozen

Because there are, like, characters,

Like, princesses, but, like, also one is a witch.

- Yeah, so, like, liz, what's been going on

Since I've been gone?

- I'm liz.

I had my baby. I bankrupted the company.

And now it's time for me to grow up.

- And I'm liz. I got bangs!

- Our p.R. Firm is called publizity.

- It's based off our names.

- Oh, your car's outside

For your meeting with tommy rothchild.

- Tommy rothchild is our newest client,

We looked him up on google to get more info on him,

And there was nothing there,

Which means he's, like, ultra important

And, like, full of mystery.

- If this client comes through,

I might never have to tell liz that I [bleep] up

Our cash flow.

- Where are we? - Oh, my god.

This is gorgeous.

Like, I feel like I've been here before,

But, like, I definitely haven't.

- Thanks so much for meeting with me.

- [gasps] both: Oh, my god!

- Tommy rothchild's entrance just, like, took my breath away.

- We've never been to this neighborhood before,

But it's, like, very charming,

But, like, also, like, shady.

- Sounds like an ex of mine.

[both laughing] - [snorts]

- Just a joke.

- Like, is this how we're gonna have the meeting?

- I think it would be best if I came down, because...

We're certainly not doing it up here.

Both: Why not?

- I would never make a lady walk up even a single step.

Both: Oh, my god!

- Tommy rothchild is, like, such a gentleman.

It's, like, I'm embarrassed, that I have, like,

A little bit of a crush on him.

Oh, my god. [laughs, snorts]

Oh, my god. - Please.

- Tommy rothchild is such a gentleman.

[both slurping]

- Have either of you heard of the illuminati?

Both: Mm-hmm.

- You know, world leaders, ceos, movie stars.

- Of course. Those are, like, our main client bank.

- Mm-hmm. - I need you to organize

A top-secret event

For the world's most powerful people.

This is a party for the illuminati.

- When I hear the word "illuminati,"

I hear, like, "naughty."

What if this party was, like, naughty?

- We don't want this to be a sex party, but--

- This is a dirty little party.

Like, it's a naughty, little naughty party.

- No.

- All right. - Great.

- Have I mentioned how beautiful you ladies are?

[both laughing]

I meant to say it before, but I love your bangs.

- [snorting]

Oh, my god!

- I like to compliment women whenever I see them.

- And just, like, as a matter on course,

Like, we should probably be discussing, like, payment forms,

Which, like, need to be due to us.

- I'm all about work, and she's all about fumbling.

Right now liz is, like, all about business.

- Just to be clear, you're certain you can get

These people at your event, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- Can you give me an example of one name?

Just so I know you can do this.

- Have you ever heard of... - Barack obama?

- The people I work with will be very pleased.

- At the end of the day, you're gonna get what you want.

- Would you mind repeating that for me?

- Sure. You're gonna get what you want.

[hail to the chief plays]

- Have you ever done drag?

Have you ever dressed up as a lady?

- I have once. - How did it go?

- Good. I actually felt like I could embrace...

I kind of did a little kind of move with my body that--

I don't know-- just, like, that confident

Female-type thing, you know?

I don't know if women do that, but I guess it felt...

- Yeah, women move all the time.

- And now, a special episode of crab cab,

With your host, fabrice fabrice.

- My name is fabrice fabrice, the beast from the east.

The name so nice, you have to say it again.

Obviously, you know that already, as you have indeed

Called my service.

I'm here to service you, top to bottom.

- Maybe we could just get you to drive to the baseball game?

- All right, so that's the location where you're going now.

I'll tell you what's more important

And more popular than baseball

On the internet right now is porno.

I know some girls that will do awful things to you.

You can treat their asses like garbage cans.

Is that interesting to you boys? - No, thank you.

- Okay. Well, I don't know if you know this,

But there's something special waiting in that cooler for you.

So why don't you open that cooler up.

Open it up. What's in there? - There's a crab.

- Oh, look at that! Y'all are on crab cab!

- What the hell? - Now, if you answer

This question correctly, this crab could be yours.

- I don't want the crab. - Why did you do this?

- Okay, here's the question...

- Popcorn. - Tootsie rolls.

- You're both right! - That's not possible.

- His favorite thing was candy!

And that means that you win the crab!

Get that crab out my cab!

- ♪ I'll be bringin' something special ♪

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- They went for it. - The illuminati took the bait?

The publicists did.

The invitations go out today.

- That's great. - All the elites will be there--

The rockefellers, the st. Clairs,

The bilderburgers, the lizard people.

Macklemore will be there. - My god.

- These publicists are connected.

- I can't wait to tell the illuminati

What we think about their new world order.

- ♪ ready, set ♪

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

- Crush your beliefs. - Empty your thoughts.

♪ ♪

- Subvert your experience.

- Wait, wait, wait. What's going on?

I'm sorry I'm not there. I'm at my girlfriend's place.

- Are those her stuffed animals?

- Can we just get back to the meeting?

I have limited time. I have to go.

- I also have limited time. I have to go, actually.

- What? - Huh?

- It's the last day of the warranty on my elantra,

And I have to get it serviced today,

Or else I have to take it completely out of pocket.

- Okay.

- This is the beginning of the end

And a new beginning.

This is it, brother.

- Wait. What's he doing?

I actually would like to see this.

- What?

- Why is it fully silent in there right now?

What's happening? - See you at the party.

- Okay.

- Look, we got to get back on track.

- This isn't gonna be easy. We need money.

- Well, how fancy is this party gonna be?

- The puppet masters are going to expect the best--

Open bar and everything.

- That sounds like it's gonna be expensive.

How are we gonna raise the money?

- We're off the grid.

We have no credit, on purpose.

We'll have to find a way. - Mm.

I could forward you one half hundred

Or two half hundred euros.

And in exchange, you will provide me with papers,

Papers I will use to travel.

- Why are you in such a hurry to get out of here?

What are you, french? - I'm a european.

- From the european non-branch of our anti-organization.

- Where's your passport?

- I had a visa, but I lost it.

It was clawed from my hands when I was making sausages,

Sausages that were made from chocolate and human bone.

- Uh-huh. - What'd he say?

- The coolest musical band is the chemical brothers.

- We got to show the illuminati what we think

Of their new world order.

- Right. What did I say?

- Just go back to talking. I'll be here.

- Okay, so we're taking down the illuminati, right?

Both: Yes.

- You two were the editors of kroll show.

- Yes. - And you have been promoted

To directors. - Yes.

- How does it feel--does it feel different to direct,

Knowing that you're gonna edit everything?

Bill? - Huh?

- [laughs]

Does it make you feel good to have nerds--

I don't want to say in charge, but, like, you know what I mean?

Like, does it make you feel good

To have nerds around that are kind of, like...

- What I've tried to do in putting together

The team behind kroll show is to have men

That I can feel more manly than. Both: Men.

- Men.

- In the case of the rest of the crew--

- I don't think I've ever been referred to as a man.

- Yeah.

[energetic music]

- Tommy rothchild, aka basically prince charming,

Has hired us to throw a party for the illuminati.

Step one-- do some research.

- The top of the washington monument,

A child's drawing of a witch's hat,

A cat's mouth...

What do these things have in common?

All you have to do is connect the dots.

- Oh, my god, this is interesting.

- This seems, like, educational.

This video is, like, so confusing.

- The lizards are at the top

Of all of the major corporations,

Government agencies, and hit music groups

On the planet today.

- Believe it or not, I was shocked

To hear that it's lizards that run the world.

This is, like, so spooky,

But, like, I've always, like, suspected

That there's, like, something special about me.

Did you see that? - You flicked your tongue out?

Real subtle, liz.

I know exactly what game plan you're going with.

Honestly, like, as you know,

I go to, like, a very expensive dermatologist...

- Yeah, we all know. - Because I had to treat

My, like, scaly skin,

Which is, like, a number-one skin problem

That, like, most lizards have.

- Right, well, like, I feel like

If you were, like, a lizard queen,

Like, you wouldn't, like, literally

Have pieces of your skin falling off.

Like, obviously, I'm a lizard.

That's why my name is liz.

It's based on my name-- lizard.

- Every single invitation to this event has been declined.

- What? Let me take a look at this.

Are you joking me? Hold on.

[gasps] barack obama said no?

Lady gaga said no?

Orpah winfrey said no?

Oh, my god! Macklemore said no!

- I'm a lizard queen. - It's ironing

That you are in the sun right now,

Because, honestly, you're acting, like, shady.

[suspenseful music]

- When I set out to make this video,

I had a lot of ideas.

And I still do!

You see, the world is broken up

Into a number of different patterns and hierarchies.

And you might wonder why.

- We believe that the world

Is controlled by the most powerful people in the world.

I mean, that's almost the tautology.

- Yeah. And those people are all lizards.

- Well, we don't believe they're literally lizards,

But if you want to imagine the concept of greed

As reptilian, then I would agree with you.

- Well, if they're not lizards, then who's right here?

- Well, that's a cartoon of a...

Lizard assuming a human's pose. - Exactly.

And who do you think drew it?

- Actually, it looks like more of a 3-d model.

- Or is it the control of the lizard overlords,

The reptilian species that runs the top echelons

Of the government? - No.

That's not true.

There's not another species of creature

That's in charge of the, um, government.

That's a fantasy.

People developed those fantasies so that they feel

That someone's in control.

Actually confronting the chaos of the universe

Is too frightening for some people,

So they have to come up with elaborate theories

That explain someone being in control

In the face of a dead god. - So much--so much--

So many interesting things to get to.

- If you want to find out more about my radical politics

And our organization,

Open your tor browser

And go to realists.Onion.

Here's the details.

The illuminati gala is tonight at the hotel telho.

- Oh, I didn't know that's when the party was.

Did you say "tonight"? - Yeah.

- No. No, I can't do tonight. - I don't--

It's always been tonight.

- Stephanie has another show tonight,

And even though I videotaped her last show,

I got to do it tonight,

'cause she says that I got her at a bad angle.

- For me, entertainment is hooking fish hooks

To a human body that has been taken of its life

And then treating it like a puppet.

- Look, I don't understand

Why you're going above and beyond like this

For a woman who doesn't even say she's your girlfriend.

- Thank you.

- Oh, I can't win. I can't win.

You know, when I'm with her, she's giving me grief

About spending all my time focusing on you guys.

And when I'm with her, you guys are giving me grief.

It's just like who am I dating,

And who am I, you know, doing terrorism with?

I don't--I don't--

[sighs] - okay, well, I'm going

To get out of here.

I like to hide in plain sight. I'm a cannibal.

I like to consume human flesh.

And I will do it around the world

Until someone chooses to listen to me.

- So who's it gonna be-- the three of us?

- Hardly a crew. It's a plus-one plus-one.

- I hope they have some good appetizers.

- Crab cab was a pitch that I was very invested in

In season two of kroll show. - Mm-hmm.

Season three. - No, I brought it up last year.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Everyone kind of laughed at it, because it's two words

That rhyme with each other, and then they said,

"no, we'll never do that. It doesn't make any sense."

Now we did multiple crab cabs this year.

[woman speaking native language]

- Today...

And his...

- Y'all are on crab cab!

Hold up. Are you holding stuffed animals

And an accordion right now?

- Yes, she does music with the accordion.

- I've had pinky since I was four

In the hospital with pneumonia.

- Oh, yeah? I got this little mother[bleep] right here.

- What's its name? - His name is phone.

I use him to make calls and text people about getting laid

And sucking [bleep] and getting even

And even eating [bleep] now and again.

Speaking of... - Getting even?

- As you already can tell, you are on a game show.

It's called crab cab. - We're on crab cab?

Oh, my god! - Look at the crab.

To win that crab, you better answer

The following question correctly.

- Oh, you have to...

- Do you love your boyfriend?

- I mean, you do. - I mean, we've been together--

- You just don't like the work. - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't win the crab. Can you just pull over, please?

- What do you mean "pull over"? - I can't love you.

I'm sorry, and you're making me uncomfortable.

I feel a lot of pressure. I'm sorry.

- Wait. - I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

- Ooh.

Aw. You sad?

- [sobbing] yeah, I'm sad.

- You got that crab? - No, I don't want the crab.

I want my girlfriend back. - Oh, buddy.

I'm real sorry about that. - That went really bad.

- ♪ I'll be bringin' something special ♪

- The, you know, u.S. Government

Keeps a record of every web search

You've ever done, every text message you've ever sent,

Every web page you've ever visited,

Every video you've ever watched,

Every facebook profile of a friend

That you ever looked up.

- I guess-- so my question is, so what?

- So what?

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- This party is gonna be amazing.

And we should just comment ourselves on a job well done.

- Liz, like, honest,

You couldn't have put it better yourself,

And, like, we should comment ourselves

On, like, a job well done,

Because, like, only time will be to tell, like,

Who actually is the lizard liz that, like, does reign supreme.

And, like, you're my best friend

And, like, also my sister,

And, like, tonight is, like,

Just about, like, making the client happy

And, like, having fun, which, by the way, is, like,

My favorite thing ever.

- Let's have a naughty time.

- Liz! You're under arrest.

- You're under arrest. - Cheers.

- Cheers.

[both slurping]

- ♪ baby ♪

♪ I see you walking ♪

♪ and I like the way you... ♪

- Between us, I'm gonna come clean.

That's not the real macklemore.

Barack obama-- thank you so much for coming

As president of the United States.

I'd love to introduce you to our actual leader,

The lizard king.

- [slurps]

- Tasty. [both laughing]

- Enjoy your lizard snacks!

- Hello, lizzes.

- [gasps] both: Oh, my god!

- Tommy's entrance, like, blew me away.

How do you do this? - Wow.

- I snuck up beside the table and, uh...

Hiding my face.

- Yeah. - I look to see when you guys

Would look away, and then I turned around.

- Like, what do you think of the event?

- Everyone here is just a celebrity impersonator,

Besides mitt romney.

- Oh, my god. That is so kind to get positive reinforcement.

- What are you talking about? This party sucks.

- [gasps]

- You said you knew these people.

This is, like, for babies.

- It's horrible! - Honestly, liz!

- Tommy, the idea that you would make me cry

In front of the lizard king, the most respected person

In the reptilian-overlord community...

- That's, like, a major low blow.

- You just put a crown on an iguana.

- Honestly, tommy... - Honestly, like, face it.

- Honestly, tommy, just, like...

- When might we actually be paid?

'cause that is a pressing issue. - How about never?

- Go! - What?

- Fan out! Get pictures!

- Oh, my god! - Cassandra!

- Cassandra! - Cassandra, what's going on?

- Get the photos. - Wait.

- These aren't even the illuminati.

- Why do you have, like, a flap over your gonker?

Are you afraid someone's gonna, like, bonk your blinker, or...

- Do you know who tommy rothchild is?

Like, what's his deal?

Is he, like, a gentleman, or is he, like, a bad guy?

- He's my brother's friend from college.

- Well, somebody is gonna have to give a payment to cassandra.

- Cassandra can't find us. [laughs]

- Even though we didn't get to confront

The secret cabal of plutocrats who control the entire world,

It was a pretty good party.

- The party was, like, a bit of a bust,

But, like, I want you to know, like...

Really amazing to see you, like,

[sniffles deeply] become, like,

This woman I always that I, like, suspected you to be.

- You're my sister, and so I want you to know that...

- I'm sorry. What?

You lost all the money! - I lost all the money!

- The company is ruined, and guess whose fault it is.

Um, liz.

[suspenseful music]

Ha ha. Good at bizness.

- Ow.

- From the perspective of someone

With all the money and power in the world--

- 'cause they can fly.

- Well, they can fly an airplane.

- Mm-hmm. But if you look at the wings

And connect them to the front of the plane,

It takes on a triangular form.

- Any three points make a triangle.