All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S03E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- I'm not ready
to reveal all the truth.

I was just like you--

Lost, out of control,

In total denial.

I had no idea what
was going on around me.

Who's running the banks?

Who's running the government?

Who's running
all the religious ideas?

And how does this all connect
to the lizard people?

Over the last two months,
I have been traveling the globe

Talking to the world's
foremost experts,

And they have opened my eyes.

Come along!

- There have been
people controlling stuff

In this country for centuries.

- How many legs
does a lizard have?

- If you suggest
that there's an illuminati,

Which we do...
- These are the patterns

That shape our lives!

Our first truthling
is a preeminent expert

In the field
of alternative biology

And a close friend
of over two years.

How are the lizard people
controlling us?

- The mechanism chiefly used
is temperature control,

Because they come
from a warm climate,

And they understand that that
gives them a speed advantage

Over us, being--
they think fast.

- Yes.
- They move fast.

If you see a lizard scurrying,
you think, "oh, it's very fast."

Even the higher-evolved ones,
they're more like human beings,

They're fast also.

- And why...
- [coughs]

- Is there mind control?

- There's mind control,

But through mechanisms that
we're beginning to understand.

We're observing the behavior
of the penguins.

- Yes.

- Because they're
naturally cold-brained.

They thrive
in this environment.

- Can penguins fly?
- Penguins are not able to fly.

- [squawks]

- Open your eyes, world.

- When you confront
this information, be bold.

Be bold.
- Be bold, be brave.

- Be courageous
with these numbers.

Do not shy away,
because it's all--

- And also, if people
do want to hire you

As a limo driver...

- I'm available for hire.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- [slurping]

- Oh, my goo-goo.
- I'm back.

[chuckles, snorts]

- Liz, oh, my god.

Your bangs
have, like, grown a lot.

Well, like,
that's the least of it.

I've grown as well.
Like, we're like...

- You're, like, my sister.
It's like that movie frozen.

- We're like the sisters
in the movie frozen

Because there are, like,
characters,

Like, princesses,
but, like, also one is a witch.

- Yeah, so, like, liz,
what's been going on

Since I've been gone?

- I'm liz.

I had my baby.
I bankrupted the company.

And now it's time
for me to grow up.

- And I'm liz.
I got bangs!

- Our p.R. Firm
is called publizity.

- It's based off our names.

- Oh, your car's outside

For your meeting
with tommy rothchild.

- Tommy rothchild
is our newest client,

We looked him up on google
to get more info on him,

And there was nothing there,

Which means he's, like,
ultra important

And, like, full of mystery.

- If this client comes through,

I might never have to tell liz
that I [bleep] up

Our cash flow.

- Where are we?
- Oh, my god.

This is gorgeous.

Like, I feel like
I've been here before,

But, like,
I definitely haven't.

- Thanks so much
for meeting with me.

- [gasps]
both: Oh, my god!

- Tommy rothchild's entrance
just, like, took my breath away.

- We've never been
to this neighborhood before,

But it's, like, very charming,

But, like, also, like, shady.

- Sounds like an ex of mine.

[both laughing]
- [snorts]

- Just a joke.

- Like, is this how
we're gonna have the meeting?

- I think it would be best
if I came down, because...

We're certainly
not doing it up here.

Both:
Why not?

- I would never make a lady
walk up even a single step.

Both:
Oh, my god!

- Tommy rothchild is, like,
such a gentleman.

It's, like, I'm embarrassed,
that I have, like,

A little bit of a crush on him.

Oh, my god.
[laughs, snorts]

Oh, my god.
- Please.

- Tommy rothchild
is such a gentleman.

[both slurping]

- Have either of you heard
of the illuminati?

Both:
Mm-hmm.

- You know, world leaders,
ceos, movie stars.

- Of course. Those are, like,
our main client bank.

- Mm-hmm.
- I need you to organize

A top-secret event

For the world's
most powerful people.

This is a party
for the illuminati.

- When I hear the word
"illuminati,"

I hear, like, "naughty."

What if this party
was, like, naughty?

- We don't want this
to be a sex party, but--

- This is a dirty little party.

Like, it's a naughty,
little naughty party.

- No.

- All right.
- Great.

- Have I mentioned how beautiful
you ladies are?

[both laughing]

I meant to say it before,
but I love your bangs.

- [snorting]

Oh, my god!

- I like to compliment women
whenever I see them.

- And just, like,
as a matter on course,

Like, we should probably be
discussing, like, payment forms,

Which, like,
need to be due to us.

- I'm all about work,
and she's all about fumbling.

Right now liz is, like,
all about business.

- Just to be clear,
you're certain you can get

These people
at your event, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- Can you give me an example
of one name?

Just so I know
you can do this.

- Have you ever heard of...
- Barack obama?

- The people I work with
will be very pleased.

- At the end of the day,
you're gonna get what you want.

- Would you mind repeating that
for me?

- Sure. You're gonna get
what you want.

[hail to the chief plays]

- Have you ever done drag?

Have you ever dressed up
as a lady?

- I have once.
- How did it go?

- Good. I actually felt
like I could embrace...

I kind of did a little
kind of move with my body that--

I don't know--
just, like, that confident

Female-type thing, you know?

I don't know if women do that,
but I guess it felt...

- Yeah, women move
all the time.

- And now, a special episode
of crab cab,

With your host,
fabrice fabrice.

- My name is fabrice fabrice,
the beast from the east.

The name so nice,
you have to say it again.

Obviously, you know that
already, as you have indeed

Called my service.

I'm here to service you,
top to bottom.

- Maybe we could just get you
to drive to the baseball game?

- All right, so that's the
location where you're going now.

I'll tell you
what's more important

And more popular
than baseball

On the internet right now
is porno.

I know some girls that will do
awful things to you.

You can treat their asses
like garbage cans.

Is that interesting to you boys?
- No, thank you.

- Okay. Well, I don't know
if you know this,

But there's something special
waiting in that cooler for you.

So why don't you open
that cooler up.

Open it up. What's in there?
- There's a crab.

- Oh, look at that!
Y'all are on crab cab!

- What the hell?
- Now, if you answer

This question correctly,
this crab could be yours.

- I don't want the crab.
- Why did you do this?

- Okay, here's the question...

- Popcorn.
- Tootsie rolls.

- You're both right!
- That's not possible.

- His favorite thing was candy!

And that means that you
win the crab!

Get that crab out my cab!

- ♪ I'll be bringin'
something special ♪

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- They went for it.
- The illuminati took the bait?

The publicists did.

The invitations
go out today.

- That's great.
- All the elites will be there--

The rockefellers,
the st. Clairs,

The bilderburgers,
the lizard people.

Macklemore will be there.
- My god.

- These publicists
are connected.

- I can't wait to tell
the illuminati

What we think
about their new world order.

- ♪ ready, set ♪

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

- Crush your beliefs.
- Empty your thoughts.

♪ ♪

- Subvert your experience.

- Wait, wait, wait.
What's going on?

I'm sorry I'm not there.
I'm at my girlfriend's place.

- Are those her stuffed animals?

- Can we just get back
to the meeting?

I have limited time.
I have to go.

- I also have limited time.
I have to go, actually.

- What?
- Huh?

- It's the last day
of the warranty on my elantra,

And I have
to get it serviced today,

Or else I have to take it
completely out of pocket.

- Okay.

- This is the beginning
of the end

And a new beginning.

This is it, brother.

- Wait.
What's he doing?

I actually would like
to see this.

- What?

- Why is it fully silent
in there right now?

What's happening?
- See you at the party.

- Okay.

- Look, we got to get back
on track.

- This isn't gonna be easy.
We need money.

- Well, how fancy
is this party gonna be?

- The puppet masters are going
to expect the best--

Open bar and everything.

- That sounds
like it's gonna be expensive.

How are we gonna raise
the money?

- We're off the grid.

We have no credit, on purpose.

We'll have to find a way.
- Mm.

I could forward you
one half hundred

Or two half hundred euros.

And in exchange,
you will provide me with papers,

Papers I will use to travel.

- Why are you in such a hurry
to get out of here?

What are you, french?
- I'm a european.

- From the european non-branch
of our anti-organization.

- Where's your passport?

- I had a visa, but I lost it.

It was clawed from my hands
when I was making sausages,

Sausages that were made
from chocolate and human bone.

- Uh-huh.
- What'd he say?

- The coolest musical band
is the chemical brothers.

- We got to show the illuminati
what we think

Of their new world order.

- Right.
What did I say?

- Just go back to talking.
I'll be here.

- Okay, so we're taking down
the illuminati, right?

Both: Yes.

- You two were the editors
of kroll show.

- Yes.
- And you have been promoted

To directors.
- Yes.

- How does it feel--does it feel
different to direct,

Knowing that you're
gonna edit everything?

Bill?
- Huh?

- [laughs]

Does it make you feel good
to have nerds--

I don't want to say in charge,
but, like, you know what I mean?

Like, does it
make you feel good

To have nerds around
that are kind of, like...

- What I've tried to do
in putting together

The team behind kroll show
is to have men

That I can feel more manly than.
Both: Men.

- Men.

- In the case of the rest
of the crew--

- I don't think I've ever
been referred to as a man.

- Yeah.

[energetic music]

- Tommy rothchild,
aka basically prince charming,

Has hired us to throw a party
for the illuminati.

Step one--
do some research.

- The top
of the washington monument,

A child's drawing
of a witch's hat,

A cat's mouth...

What do these
things have in common?

All you have to do
is connect the dots.

- Oh, my god,
this is interesting.

- This seems,
like, educational.

This video is, like,
so confusing.

- The lizards are at the top

Of all
of the major corporations,

Government agencies,
and hit music groups

On the planet today.

- Believe it or not,
I was shocked

To hear that it's lizards
that run the world.

This is, like, so spooky,

But, like,
I've always, like, suspected

That there's, like,
something special about me.

Did you see that?
- You flicked your tongue out?

Real subtle, liz.

I know exactly what game plan
you're going with.

Honestly, like, as you know,

I go to, like, a very expensive
dermatologist...

- Yeah, we all know.
- Because I had to treat

My, like, scaly skin,

Which is, like,
a number-one skin problem

That, like, most lizards have.

- Right, well, like,
I feel like

If you were, like,
a lizard queen,

Like, you wouldn't,
like, literally

Have pieces of your skin
falling off.

Like, obviously,
I'm a lizard.

That's why my name is liz.

It's based on my name--
lizard.

- Every single invitation
to this event has been declined.

- What? Let me take
a look at this.

Are you joking me?
Hold on.

[gasps]
barack obama said no?

Lady gaga said no?

Orpah winfrey said no?

Oh, my god!
Macklemore said no!

- I'm a lizard queen.
- It's ironing

That you are in the sun
right now,

Because, honestly,
you're acting, like, shady.

[suspenseful music]

- When I set out
to make this video,

I had a lot of ideas.

And I still do!

You see, the world is broken up

Into a number of different
patterns and hierarchies.

And you might wonder why.

- We believe that the world

Is controlled by the most
powerful people in the world.

I mean, that's almost
the tautology.

- Yeah. And those people
are all lizards.

- Well, we don't believe
they're literally lizards,

But if you want to imagine
the concept of greed

As reptilian,
then I would agree with you.

- Well, if they're not lizards,
then who's right here?

- Well, that's a cartoon
of a...

Lizard assuming a human's pose.
- Exactly.

And who do you think drew it?

- Actually, it looks like more
of a 3-d model.

- Or is it the control
of the lizard overlords,

The reptilian species
that runs the top echelons

Of the government?
- No.

That's not true.

There's not another species
of creature

That's in charge
of the, um, government.

That's a fantasy.

People developed those fantasies
so that they feel

That someone's in control.

Actually confronting the chaos
of the universe

Is too frightening
for some people,

So they have to come up
with elaborate theories

That explain someone
being in control

In the face of a dead god.
- So much--so much--

So many interesting things
to get to.

- If you want to find out more
about my radical politics

And our organization,

Open your tor browser

And go to realists.Onion.

Here's the details.

The illuminati gala is tonight
at the hotel telho.

- Oh, I didn't know
that's when the party was.

Did you say "tonight"?
- Yeah.

- No. No, I can't do tonight.
- I don't--

It's always been tonight.

- Stephanie
has another show tonight,

And even though
I videotaped her last show,

I got to do it tonight,

'cause she says
that I got her at a bad angle.

- For me, entertainment
is hooking fish hooks

To a human body that
has been taken of its life

And then treating it
like a puppet.

- Look, I don't understand

Why you're going
above and beyond like this

For a woman who doesn't
even say she's your girlfriend.

- Thank you.

- Oh, I can't win.
I can't win.

You know, when I'm with her,
she's giving me grief

About spending all my time
focusing on you guys.

And when I'm with her,
you guys are giving me grief.

It's just like who am I dating,

And who am I, you know,
doing terrorism with?

I don't--I don't--

[sighs]
- okay, well, I'm going

To get out of here.

I like to hide in plain sight.
I'm a cannibal.

I like to consume human flesh.

And I will do it
around the world

Until someone
chooses to listen to me.

- So who's it gonna be--
the three of us?

- Hardly a crew.
It's a plus-one plus-one.

- I hope they have
some good appetizers.

- Crab cab was a pitch
that I was very invested in

In season two of kroll show.
- Mm-hmm.

Season three.
- No, I brought it up last year.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Everyone kind of laughed at it,
because it's two words

That rhyme with each other,
and then they said,

"no, we'll never do that.
It doesn't make any sense."

Now we did multiple crab cabs
this year.

[woman speaking
native language]

- Today...

And his...

- Y'all are on crab cab!

Hold up. Are you holding
stuffed animals

And an accordion right now?

- Yes, she does music
with the accordion.

- I've had pinky
since I was four

In the hospital
with pneumonia.

- Oh, yeah? I got this little
mother[bleep] right here.

- What's its name?
- His name is phone.

I use him to make calls and text
people about getting laid

And sucking [bleep]
and getting even

And even eating [bleep]
now and again.

Speaking of...
- Getting even?

- As you already can tell,
you are on a game show.

It's called crab cab.
- We're on crab cab?

Oh, my god!
- Look at the crab.

To win that crab,
you better answer

The following question
correctly.

- Oh, you have to...

- Do you love your boyfriend?

- I mean, you do.
- I mean, we've been together--

- You just don't like the work.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't win the crab.
Can you just pull over, please?

- What do you mean "pull over"?
- I can't love you.

I'm sorry, and you're making me
uncomfortable.

I feel a lot of pressure.
I'm sorry.

- Wait.
- I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

- Ooh.

Aw. You sad?

- [sobbing]
yeah, I'm sad.

- You got that crab?
- No, I don't want the crab.

I want my girlfriend back.
- Oh, buddy.

I'm real sorry about that.
- That went really bad.

- ♪ I'll be bringin'
something special ♪

- The, you know, u.S. Government

Keeps a record
of every web search

You've ever done, every text
message you've ever sent,

Every web page
you've ever visited,

Every video
you've ever watched,

Every facebook profile
of a friend

That you ever looked up.

- I guess--
so my question is, so what?

- So what?

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- This party
is gonna be amazing.

And we should just comment
ourselves on a job well done.

- Liz, like, honest,

You couldn't have put it
better yourself,

And, like,
we should comment ourselves

On, like, a job well done,

Because, like, only time
will be to tell, like,

Who actually is the lizard liz
that, like, does reign supreme.

And, like,
you're my best friend

And, like, also my sister,

And, like, tonight is, like,

Just about, like,
making the client happy

And, like, having fun,
which, by the way, is, like,

My favorite thing ever.

- Let's have a naughty time.

- Liz!
You're under arrest.

- You're under arrest.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.

[both slurping]

- ♪ baby ♪

♪ I see you walking ♪

♪ and I like
the way you... ♪

- Between us,
I'm gonna come clean.

That's not the real macklemore.

Barack obama--
thank you so much for coming

As president
of the United States.

I'd love to introduce you
to our actual leader,

The lizard king.

- [slurps]

- Tasty.
[both laughing]

- Enjoy your lizard snacks!

- Hello, lizzes.

- [gasps]
both: Oh, my god!

- Tommy's entrance, like,
blew me away.

How do you do this?
- Wow.

- I snuck up beside the table
and, uh...

Hiding my face.

- Yeah.
- I look to see when you guys

Would look away,
and then I turned around.

- Like, what do you think
of the event?

- Everyone here is just
a celebrity impersonator,

Besides mitt romney.

- Oh, my god. That is so kind
to get positive reinforcement.

- What are you talking about?
This party sucks.

- [gasps]

- You said
you knew these people.

This is, like, for babies.

- It's horrible!
- Honestly, liz!

- Tommy, the idea
that you would make me cry

In front of the lizard king,
the most respected person

In the reptilian-overlord
community...

- That's, like,
a major low blow.

- You just put a crown
on an iguana.

- Honestly, tommy...
- Honestly, like, face it.

- Honestly, tommy, just, like...

- When might we actually
be paid?

'cause that is a pressing issue.
- How about never?

- Go!
- What?

- Fan out! Get pictures!

- Oh, my god!
- Cassandra!

- Cassandra!
- Cassandra, what's going on?

- Get the photos.
- Wait.

- These aren't even
the illuminati.

- Why do you have, like,
a flap over your gonker?

Are you afraid someone's gonna,
like, bonk your blinker, or...

- Do you know
who tommy rothchild is?

Like, what's his deal?

Is he, like, a gentleman,
or is he, like, a bad guy?

- He's my brother's friend
from college.

- Well, somebody is gonna have
to give a payment to cassandra.

- Cassandra can't find us.
[laughs]

- Even though we didn't
get to confront

The secret cabal of plutocrats
who control the entire world,

It was a pretty good party.

- The party was, like,
a bit of a bust,

But, like, I want you
to know, like...

Really amazing
to see you, like,

[sniffles deeply]
become, like,

This woman I always that
I, like, suspected you to be.

- You're my sister, and so
I want you to know that...

- I'm sorry. What?

You lost all the money!
- I lost all the money!

- The company is ruined,
and guess whose fault it is.

Um, liz.

[suspenseful music]

Ha ha.
Good at bizness.

- Ow.

- From the perspective
of someone

With all the money
and power in the world--

- 'cause they can fly.

- Well, they can fly
an airplane.

- Mm-hmm.
But if you look at the wings

And connect them to the front
of the plane,

It takes on a triangular form.

- Any three points
make a triangle.