Original subtitles

- MA! IT'S BOBBY.

I'M HERE FOR A VERY MUCH MOTHER/SON BONDING WEEKEND.

MA?

MA?

"DEAR BOBBY,

"A GENTLEMAN FRIEND HAS TAKEN ME OUT.

I LEFT SOME CAPICOLA IN THE FRIDGE."

GENTLEMAN FRIEND?

"TAKEN ME OUT"?

CAPICOLA?

[phone rings]

MA?

- HELLO, BOBBY.

ARE YOU MISSING SOMETHING?

OR SHOULD I SAY SOMEONE?

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I DON'T KNOW--

- IT'S EAGLEWING. - SO I DO KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY MOM?

- SHE'S MY MOM NOW. [laughs]

- IF YOU KISS MY MOM, I'LL CUT OFF YOUR [bleep] LIPS.

- I'M NEVER GIVING BACK YOUR MOM.

- MA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I'M COMING FOR YOU.

- YOU AND I, WE'RE GONNA SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.

BECAUSE IN MY UNIVERSE, I REIGN SUPREME.

AND IF YOU-- HELLO?

BOBBY? I THINK HE HUNG UP.

[dramatic music]

NO, I CAN HEAR NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. IT'S JUST, LIKE, MOVING AROUND.

- BOBBY, I CAME AS SOON AS I GOT YOUR TEXT.

- THEY GOT MY MOM, BRO.

- WHO GOT YOUR MA? IS THAT CAPICOLA?

- EAGLEWING GOT HER.

IT'S CAPICOLA, MORTADELLE, COCA COLA.

- YOU KNOW I'M THERE FOR YOU, BRO.

BUT GOING UP AGAINST EAGLEWING? WE CAN'T DO THAT ALONE.

- THAT'S WHY I NEED TO PUT TOGETHER A TUMULTUOUS TEAM

OF RAGTAG FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF LOYALTY.

[gulps]

- OH, I LOVE WHEN WE NEED A TEAM, BRO.

- [echoing] GREAT.

THIS IS BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE

AND IN ADDITION TO, THE IN ADDITION TOs.

PETER PAPARAZZO, YOU'RE THE TECH GUY.

- I'M COMPUTERS.

- GORGEOUS STRAIGHT GIRLS, CAN YOU PRETEND

TO BE LIPSTICK STYLE LESBIANS AKA OUR DIVERSION?

- WAIT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

- FARLEY, YOU HAVE THE VOICE OF A VERY MUCH SEXY HYENA DIVA.

YOU'RE OUR ANGEL ON THE AIRWAYS

AND RECORDING IT ALL IS OUR DEAF-MUTE SOUND GUY, GIAN.

AN MVP CANDIDATE EVERY DAY.

C.T., YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE THE VAN.

- YOU DON'T WANT ME TO JUST GO IN THERE

AND GRAB YOUR MOTHER FOR YOU?

- NO, BRO.

IT'S ABOUT PERSONAL VENGEANCE IN ADDITION TO CAMARADERIE.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY I'VE BROUGHT YOU HERE TO THIS GARAGE.

MY APOLOGIES FOR THE MISH-MOSH DECOR.

THIS IS THE PLAN.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- ARE YOU COMPUTERS, JOHN?

- I AM--I DON'T WANT TO STEP ON ANYONE'S TOES HERE,

BUT I AM COMPUTERS.

I AM COMPUTERS, YEAH.

- OH, MY GOD, I THINK I'M GOING INTO LABOR AT THIS POINT.

- WHAT IS IT? - IT'S A TOILET BABY.

- SO I KNOW IT'S MINE.

- BORN INTO THE TOILET.

- HERE'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, C-CZAR.

YOU NEED TO GET A JOB.

YOU NEED TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE.

I'M INCLINED TO DRUG TEST YOU.

- I HAVE TO GET SERIOUS NOW

'CAUSE OF THE EXISTING REALITIES OF MY LIFE.

WHAT'S UP?

I'M C-CZAR, DISENFRANCHISED FATHER.

I LOVE MY BABY SO MUCH.

[toilet flushes]

[baby cries]

OH, YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, DO YOU?

- TODAY WE'RE HERE TO DETERMINE YOUR CUSTODY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- YOU KNOW, I TAKE CARE OF PINNOCHLIO...

- HIS NAME IS SKYLORD. - HIS NAME IS PINNOCHLIO.

- OKAY, HIS NAME IS SKYLORD. - SO IT'S AMICABLE?

WHAT ARE YOU BOTH LOOKING FOR HERE?

- SHE'S JUST PISSED 'CAUSE I WON'T EAT HER [bleep]

WHEN SHE WANTS!

- WELL, FOR ME IT'S LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOME

TAKING CARE OF OUR SON IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA STRAIGHT UP,

LIKE, LAP UP ON MY STAR HOLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- YOU KNOW, THIS IS NOT A THERAPY SESSION HERE TODAY.

I AM GOING TO RECOMMEND COUPLES COUNSELING

FOR THE TWO OF YOU WITH MY GOOD FRIEND RON FUNCHES.

I THINK YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM IT.

- YEAH, I COULD [bleep] WITH RON FUNCHES.

- IF HE GETS 3,000 HOURS OF PRACTICING AS A THERAPIST

IN ADDITION TO GRAD SCHOOL,

HE WILL BECOME A LICENSED THERAPIST.

- IS HE NOT A FULL THERAPIST YET?

- HE'S A THERAPIST IN TRAINING, AND HE WILL GET HIS LICENSE,

AND YOU WILL HELP HIM GET THE HOURS.

- WELL, I MEAN, THIS IS JUST A NEW FACET OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

YOU GUYS WILL ALWAYS BE PARENTS.

- I'M, LIKE, MAD AT HIM THOUGH.

- IT'S LIKE, WE'RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

- NO, LIKE, WE'RE NOT. IT'S LIKE I'M NOT WITH YOU.

- NO? - MM-MM.

- SO YOU GUYS AREN'T TOGETHER?

- MM-MM, WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.

NO. MM-MM.

- WELL, WHAT WE'RE SEEING HERE

IS A LOT OF PASSION, AND THEN ANGER...

- NO, I'M NOT GONNA GO DOWN ON YOU IN FRONT OF RON FUNCHES.

- YOU GUYS ARE ENTRENCHED IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP,

AND I THINK IT'S GONNA BE MY OPINION THAT YOU

START SEEING OTHER PEOPLE.

- ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, LIKE, MAYBE, LIKE,

WE SHOULD GO ON A DATE

AND JUST, LIKE, SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE.

- LIKE, WITH EACH OTHER?

- NO. - NO.

- HE PLAYS MIKEY ON WHEELS, ONTARIO,

BUT YOU KNOW HIM BETTER AS THE ACTOR AND ENTERTAINER

BRYAN LACROIX!

THIS IS OUR WEEKLY CHECK-IN WITH OUR IN-HOUSE BRYANTOLOGIST

THE HOFFMAN TWINS.

- HI, I'M SHELBY HOFFMAN.

- I'M KELLY HOFFMAN.

- WE'RE THE HOFFMAN TWINS.

- HERE'S A SNEAK PEAK OF THE--

OF A NEW EPISODE OF WHEELS, ONTARIO.

- BRYAN'S CHARACTER HAS SOME ISSUES HE HAS TO FACE.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE, COACH TEACHER.

PERHAPS YOU COULD JOIN US.

- THAT WOULD BE A NEW ADVENTURE.

- ♪ IT'S TIME TO STOP AND BREATHE ♪

- MIKEY, TUNES, INUIT ANDY.

- OH, HEY, SCOTT.

- STUDENTS USUALLY CALL ME COACH TEACHER.

- SO YOU'RE A BIG CANADIAN BISEXUAL NOW, EH?

CAN'T DECIDE WHICH GENDER YOU FANCY?

- WHAT?

- MIKEY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

- IT'S NONE OF ANYONE'S OWN BUSINESS.

- LET'S HAVE SOME CHAMPAGNE.

- UM...

- OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

- HEY, BOO. WHAT'S UP?

I HEARD THE NEWS.

SO DOPE.

SO DOPE.

NOW WE CAN [bleep] BE TOGETHER.

- PARDON?

- WHO'S MY NEXT ROMANCE?

A BOY? A GIRL? BOTH?

NEITHER? SOMEONE TRANS?

SO MANY CHOICES.

- MIKE, NOT AT SCHOOL.

- HAVE YOU BEEN TO RADIO SHACK BEFORE?

- YEAH, I'VE BEEN TO RADIO SHACK BEFORE.

- I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE GONE INTO RADIO SHACK BEFORE.

I'VE ALMOST NEVER PURCHASED ANYTHING.

- HOW ARE YOU STAYING IN BUSINESS?

- WE LOVE YOU RADIO SHACK FOR SURVIVING.

YOU'RE A SURVIVOR.

- YEAH, YOU MADE IT WHERE MANY HAVE FALLEN.

- C-CZAR? - UH-HUH.

- IT'S 90 DAYS AFTER FATHER'S DAY.

- RIGHT ON.

- THE STORE'S GONNA BE SWARMED WITH DADS RETURNING PLUGS.

- OKAY. - SO I'M SAYING, BE READY.

- ALWAYS. - GOOD.

- GREAT.

- HI, I NEED TO RETURN THIS PLUG.

- OKAY, DO YOU HAVE A RECEIPT?

- I DON'T THINK I EVER GOT A RECEIPT.

- OKAY, I CAN'T REALLY ACCEPT IT

'CAUSE IT'S NOT IN THE ORIGINAL PACKAGING.

- OKAY, WELL, I KNOW I BOUGHT THIS HERE.

JUST PRINT OUT THE RECEIPT...

- DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, PLEASE.

- I'M ABOUT TO RAISE MY VOICE, OKAY?

- RIGHT, WE WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT, JUDGE LEVENSTEIN.

- C-CZAR? - YEAH, FROM BABY COURT.

- YEAH, I KNOW.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU WITHOUT MY ROBE ON.

- HOW ABOUT YOU CAN RETURN THIS PLUG,

AND I WILL DOCK IT FROM MY PAY.

WOULD THAT BE OKAY FOR YOU? - YOU'RE FINE.

I'M GONNA LEAVE WITH MY WORTHLESS PLUG.

- I APPRECIATE THAT. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT PLUGS.

- WOW, C-CZAR THE WAY YOU HANDLED THAT JUDGE

WITHOUT LOSING YOUR TEMPER, THAT WAS SO ADULT.

- YEAH, WELL, I GUESS, LIKE, I LEARNED HOW TO BE POLITE

FROM, LIKE, A COOL ADULT WHO'S, LIKE, KIND OF MAD CUTE.

SO, ON THE TIP, LIKE, UH, WILL YOU MAYBE, LIKE,

TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME?

- OKAY. - RIGHT, COOL. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. - OKAY.

[keyboard clacking]

- I'M NOT EVEN TYPING NOTHING OVER HERE.

- ME EITHER. - YEAH, I GOT NERVOUS.

- ME TOO. - [chuckles]

- ALL RIGHT. - OKAY.

- HERE WE GO.

- HERE WE GO. FIRST DATE.

FIRST DATE. - THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, C-CZAR, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS DATE?

I MEAN, YOU STILL ARE EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED

WITH THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD.

- I AIN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT HER NO MORE.

- WAIT, WHO IS THAT? - I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, DON'T JUST ANSWER IT. - WHY NOT?

- DO NOT SWING OPEN THE DOOR.

YOU NEED TO REMAIN CALM. JUST RELAX.

EASY DOES IT. - HEY!

- OH! OH, MY GOD.

HONESTLY, C-CZAR, I AM SO SORRY

TO, LIKE, BARGE IN LIKE THIS,

ESPECIALLY SINCE RON FUNCHES

SAID THAT WE WERE, LIKE, TOO EMESHED.

- WHY ARE YOU HERE, LIZ?

- LIKE, I JUST, LIKE, NEED SOMEBODY TO, LIKE,

SIT WITH ME WHILE I, LIKE, BABYSIT SKYLORD.

- I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT, LIZ. - OH, YOU DO?

- I COULD PROBABLY CHANGE THE DATE.

I COULD PROBABLY CHANGE SOMETHING.

- NO, NO...

- NO, I WOULD, LIKE, HATE TO DO THAT.

- I'D PROBABLY VOLUNTEER TO BABYSIT FOR YOU.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED. I MEAN, THAT'S FINE.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- YEAH... - I DON'T MIND.

- YEAH, BOB DUKER, YOU COULD BABYSIT.

- LIZ AND I WILL JUST SIT HERE AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO THINGS

THAT ARE RUSTY AND SHARP, ARE YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW. TRY ME.

- OKAY, I'M GONNA GO ON THIS DATE.

- GO AHEAD. HAVE FUN.

YEAH. - HEY!

AH! - BYE, KID. I LOVE YOU.

[baby crying]

[dramatic music]

- AS SOME OF YOU ALREADY KNOW, MY BEAUTIFUL--

[sobs]

[softly] MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER...

- BOBBY.

- WAS RECENTLY KIDNAPPED BY THE SEXUALLY CHARISMATIC

YET UNDENIABLY EVIL EAGLEWING.

- [laughs]

- SO WHAT'S THE PLAN, BOBBY B?

HOW DO WE GO AND GET YOUR MOTHER BACK?

- THIS IS THE PLAN.

I'VE WRITTEN IT OUT IN SPECIAL CHALK,

SO IF THE POLICE EVER SHOW UP,

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "OH, VERY COOL, VERY COOL."

THE GIGOLO HOUSE IS A VERITABLE FORTRESS

WITH MANY GIGOLO ROAMING THE PERIMETER FOR CARDIO.

THESE GIGOLOS ARE EQUIPMENTED WITH AN AK-47, AN M-480,

AND AN OK-UBN ME?

- OK-UBN ME.

- OKAY, I'LL BE IN YOU.

[laughter]

THIS SATURDAY,

THERE'S A WHITE-HOT BACHE-LORETTE PARTY

HAPPENING AT THEIR POOL.

PRETEND LESBIANS, YOUR JOB IS TO RING THE DOORBELL

AND SAY THAT YOU'VE JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

- NEIGHBORS.

- I'M TELLING YOU, THESE GIGOLO

ARE [bleep] MONSTERS WITH AMAZING HAIR,

BUT THEY WILL RELAX IF THEY FIND OUT

THAT A WOMAN DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A SEXUAL CONQUEST.

ALL OF THIS TEAMWORK WILL ALLOW ME TO SLITHER INSIDE THE HOUSE

AND GET MYSELF UPSTAIRS AND GET MY MOTHER BACK.

- BOBBY?

- BUT BEFORE I DO THAT, I GOT TO MAKE MY WAY

THROUGH THIS WHITE-HOT BACHE-LORETTE PARTY.

- BRO, THAT'S PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?

- JUST LIKE RICHARD GRIECO DID IN THE LATE '80s.

I'M GONNA [bleep] MY WAY THROUGH.

- OH.

- OH, SMART.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[woman moaning]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- OH, GOD.

- GO, BOBBY.

- LET ME SEE THIS.

[chuckles] I KNEW HE HAD IT IN HIM.

- WE GOT LESBOS DINGING THE DOORBELL.

- WE JUST MOVED IN DOWN THE STREET.

CAN WE BORROW A CUP OF SUGAR?

- YOU TWO LESBIANS?

both: YEAH.

- AH, THAT TAKES SO MUCH PRESSURE OFF US.

- YES.

- YOU'RE GOOD.

[alarm blaring]

WE GOT COMPANY. THERE'S ANOTHER SENSOR.

EAGLEWING MUST'VE ACTIVATED IT.

- SO, YEAH, WE JUST HANG OUT AT OUR PLACE.

- I SEE THE ALARM SYSTEM.

ALL RIGHT, FARLEY, TIME TO HIT THAT HIGH NOTE, BABY.

- [singing off-key]

- NO, FARLEY. IT'S NOT HIGH ENOUGH.

- I CAN'T. - YES, YOU CAN, BABY.

I BELIEVE IN YOU, FARLEY.

- YOU NEED TO DISABLE IT, AND YOU NEED TO DO IT NOW.

THOSE FAKE-ASS LESBIANS ARE RUNNING OUT OF BULLSHIT

TO GIVE THOSE HORNY GIGOLOS.

- OH, YEAH, AND WE LOVE VIDEO GAMES.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DO YOU GUYS LIKE TO PLAY WITH MODEL TRAINS?

- THIS GUY WITH THE TRAINS.

[laughter]

- YEAH. - WHOA, THAT'S CRAZY.

WHAT IS THAT FROM?

- FARLEY, HURRY. MY BATTERY'S DOWN TO 2%.

- BOBBY, I CAN ONLY HIT THAT NOTE WHEN YOU TALK DIRTY TO ME.

- YOU NEED ME TO TALK DIRTY TO YOU NOW?

- YES, I WANT YOU TO TALK-- AH, COME ON, BOBBY.

- OKAY, NO PROBLEM, GIRL.

FIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M WEARING.

- OKAY, GOOD.

PETER, I NEED YOU TO GET ON MY NECK.

C.T., TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

- YOU GOT IT, MAMA.

- A GLADIATOR VEST.

- AND, GIAN, I NEED YOU TO ACT LIKE MY DISAPPROVING FATHER.

YEAH!

- YOU HITTING THOSE HIGH NOTES.

- [high-pitched singing]

[phone beeps]

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...

- OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE TOO SOON TO CELEBRATE, GUYS.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING IN THERE, FARLEY?

- THAT'S IT. - OOH.

- WHAT, BOBBY? - ARE YOU JOKING ME?

ARE YOU DISRESPECTING ME LIKE THAT, FARLEY?

- BOBBY, YOU DON'T HAVE THE WHOLE STORY.

- LET ME JUST TELL YOU WHEN I'M DONE WITH THIS MISSION,

I'M GONNA GO IN AND SLIT ALL THE MEN'S THROAT IN THAT VAN.

- BOBBY, YOU JUST [bleep] 15 WOMEN.

- [groans]

[cell phone ringing]

GO FOR BOBBY.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO HELLO?

- MA?

- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? - CHECK OUT THOSE BALL BEARINGS.

- WOW, LOOK. - DAMN, IT IS.

IT'S BALL BEARINGS. - WHERE ARE YOU?

- THEY'RE ALL LOOKING FOR YOU, BOBBY.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

- WHAT ROOM ARE YOU IN, MA.

- CALM DOWN AND LISTEN...

- BUT, MA!

- THEY HAD ME BLINDFOLDED WHEN THEY BROUGHT ME IN HERE.

I HEARD THE SOUND OF KNEE-HIGH GLADIATOR BOOTS

WITH CUBAN HEEL CLIP-CLOPPITING UP THE STAIRS.

AND THEN RIGHT BEFORE THEY GOT ME IN THE ROOM,

I HEARD A RAILROAD CROSSING.

'CAUSE YOU'RE FATHER ABANDONED US,

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD SAVE ME, BOBBY.

- MA! - BOBBY!

[laughter]

- THE PARTY'S STARTED.

- WHEN I GOT YOUR EMAIL, YOU SAID YOU WERE BI NOW.

- YES, BECAUSE I WANTED ADVICE.

- OH, I MISREAD THAT EMAIL.

[bleep!

- I'M EXPERIMENTING BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO MAKE LOVE

TO EVERY MAN I MEET.

- AH, [bleep].

[bleep].

I JUST GET CATFISHED SO MUCH.

- [chuckles]

- COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- NO, STOP IT. - COME ON.

COME ON YOU LITTLE TEASE. STOP BEING A TEASE.

- I'M NOT BEING A TEASE. - YOU ARE.

YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE TEASE. - I'M NOT BEING A TEASE.

- [bleep], MAN. - STOP IT.

- IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY, OKAY.

YOU EMAIL ME. YOU SAID THAT YOU'RE BI NOW.

I JUMPED IN A ZIP CAR. DROVE ALL THE WAY UP HERE.

SO NOW I'M STUCK IN CANADA WITH NO ONE TO JERK ME OFF.

JUST A BUNCH OF FREE GOVERNMENT SERVICES, LAX DRUG LAWS,

BEAUTIFUL SCENERY.

ACTUALLY, I LIKE IT UP HERE.

I THINK I MIGHT STAY.

AND I JUST READ AN ARTICLE THAT THE MIDDLE CLASS HERE

IS ACTUALLY THRIVING,

WHERE IN AMERICA IT'S A REAL STRUGGLE.

YOU GOT MY INFO? - YEAH.

- HIT ME UP IF YOU WANT TO SUCK ON A REAL CHUBSTER.

- THANKS.

YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD TOO.

- OH, YOU LIKE WHAT I'M WEARING? - YEAH.

- NO, LIKE, I'M TRASH, AND YOU, LIKE, A PRINCESS.

BUT, LIKE, A PRINCESS YOU DON'T MIND, LIKE,

GOING INTO THE FARVELA AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE, [bleep]

LIKE, A STREET RAT, LIKE...

LIKE, I REALLY LIKE YOU A LOT.

- WELL, ISN'T THAT A GOOD THING?

- I GUESS. CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU?

- YEAH.

- IT'S LIKE I'M IN THERAPY RIGHT NOW

AND THAT'S, LIKE, HARD TO ADMIT

BECAUSE, LIKE, BEING IN THERAPY MEANS THAT, LIKE...

LIKE, I HAVE WEAKNESSES.

BETWEEN LIZ AND PINNOCHLIO,

IT'S LIKE A LOT.

- WHO'S PINNOCHLIO?

- THAT'S MY BABY, PINNOCHLIO.

- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS HIS NAME.

- SOME PEOPLE CALL HIM SKYLORD.

- SO, LIKE, YOU AND C-CZAR ARE, LIKE, BFFs NOW?

- WE'RE INCREDIBLY CLOSE. I CONSIDER HIM A SON.

- OH, THAT'S SWEET.

DOES HE EVER, LIKE, SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

- UM, I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING IT.

- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL COMFORTABLE.

YOU SHOULD JUST TELL ME WHAT HE SAYS.

- HOLD ON A SECOND.

- OH.

- WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT ANY GOOD?

- OH, MUSONEX? ABSOLUTELY.

IT'S THE GOLD STANDARD OF EDGY SLEEP.

- WOULD YOU BE INTO IT IF I GOT A GLUG OF THAT?

- OH, GLUG AWAY, MY LADY.

- MMM, I'M GONNA SLUG THIS DOWN.

- GOOD THING THE FDA DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

IT'S CANADIAN. - OH, MY GOD.

LIKE, IF THE FBI KNEW ABOUT THIS,

THEY WOULDN'T SOLVE ANY CRIMES AT ALL.

- I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

- I WANT TO BE A GOOD FATHER,

AND I WANT TO BE A GOOD EMPLOYEE,

AND I WANT TO BE A GOOD FRIEND.

- THANK YOU FOR BEING YOURSELF.

- LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I LIKE YOU, LIKE, LIKE, A SISTER.

- YEAH, I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LIKE MY BROTHER TOO.

- AND, LIKE, IT WOULD BE WEIRD FOR BROTHERS AND SISTERS

TO DO INCEST, YOU KNOW?

- YEAH.

- I'M GLAD WE COULD KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

- BOB DUKER, I'M BACK FROM MY DATE.

AND SHE WAS NICE GIRL, BUT THERE WEREN'T NO CHEMISTRY.

YO! WAKE UP!

BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM!

- C-CZAR, WHAT IS TROUBLING YOU?

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BOY!

YOU WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW, DUKER?

YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW, DUKER?

- HOLD ON, SHE DRANK TOO MUCH MUSONEX, SO I PUT HER TO BED.

- AND THEN YOU [bleep] MY GIRL?

- IF YOU THINK FOR ONE MINUTE

THAT I COULD BETRAY YOU LIKE THAT, IT'S RIDICULOUS.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAPERWORK IT'D TAKE

FOR ME TO GET AN ERECTION?

- LIKE, HONESTLY, HE'S FALLING APART.

HE'S, LIKE, AT DEATH'S DOOR, AND YOU COMING THROUGH THE DOOR

AND ACCUSE HIM OF BEING AT MY DOOR

AND, LIKE, THAT'S NOT THE DOOR THAT HAPPENED.

IT WAS A MOOSE-UNDERSTANDING.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US?

- I WENT ON A DATE.

SHE REALLY NICE GIRL,

BUT THERE WEREN'T NO--

NOTHING GOING-- THERE WASN'T NO--

I DIDN'T GET MY DICK--

I'M NOT HAVING MY DICK. - RELAX.

- THERE'S NO ROOM FOR ME.

- WELL, WE'LL MAKE SOME ROOM.

WE'LL JUST MOVE DOG THE CUDDLE HUNTER HERE.

- THERE'S A SPACE WE CAN TALK IT OUT.

LIKE, THERE'S NO REASON TO, LIKE, GET SO UPSET.

LIKE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST, LIKE--

WE'LL JUST, LIKE, ACT LIKE ADULTS.

- I NEED SOMETHING TO GET COMFORTABLE OVER THERE.

[moaning]

- DON'T WAKE BOB DUKE UP.

DON'T WAKE SKYLORD. - IT'S PINNOCHLIO.

- IT'S SKYLORD. - NO, IT'S--

- ARE YOU TWO SLEEPING? - YEAH.

- YEAH. - DEAD ASLEEP.

- I'M DEAD ASLEEP.

- OKAY. - WE'RE GOING TO BED.

- YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP?

- MM-HMM. both: YEAH.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WORKED COAT CHECK IN SAN FRANCISCO AT A STRIP CLUB.

MEN STRIPPING.

AND THERE WERE A BUNCH OF BACHELORETTE PARTIES IN THERE,

AND THEY WERE CRAZY.

- REALLY?

- THE MALE STRIPPERS, LIKE, GRAB WOMEN

AND WILL WHEELBARROW WALK THEM AROUND THE ROOM

WITH THEIR SKIRTS FALLING.

I MEAN, THEY ARE... - REALLY?

- SO PHYSICAL AND CRAZY.

- ACTUALLY THERE ARE A NUMBER OF VIDEOS ONLINE

WHERE YOU CAN WATCH THAT KIND OF THING.

- OH, THE CRAZY ONES AND, YOU KNOW, WITH THE...

- WELL, JUST--

- THERE'S SOME REALLY CRAZY ONES OUT THERE.

WHERE IT'S LIKE--

- WHERE IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

MEN [bleep] A WHOLE ROOM OF BACHELORETTES.

- LIKE BODY PART...

- IT'S A SPECIFIC GENRE OF PORN.

- FINALLY THE HERO HAS ARRIVED.

- EAGLEWING, I KNEW IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG.

- YEAH, I TOLD YOU IT WAS ME.

- AND THAT'S HOW I KNEW.

WHY DID YOU KIDNAP MY MOM?

- OH, NOW YOU'RE STARTING TO ASK THE INTERESTING QUESTIONS.

I KIDNAPPED YOUR MOTHER BECAUSE SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL,

MOST CAPTIVATING, MOST INTELLIGENT WOMAN

I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

- TELL ME SOMETHING I DIDN'T ALREADY VERY MUCH KNOW.

- FINE, I WILL!

I DIDN'T KNOW MY MOTHER OR MY FATHER.

I WAS RAISED BY MY AUNT AND UNCLE.

THEY HATED ME.

THEY MADE ME SLEEP IN A TINY CLOSET UNDER THE STAIRS.

THEY INSULTED ME AND THEY BELITTLED ME.

UNTIL ONE DAY WHEN A GIANT ON A FLYING MOTORCYCLE

SHOWED UP AT ME HOUSE

AND HE PULLED THE WOOL AWAY FROM MY EYES

AND SHOWED ME THE REAL WORLD!

A WORLD WHERE I HAD REAL POWER!

,AND I TOOK THAT POWER,

AND I DESTROYED THAT EVIL

WHOSE NAME MUST NOT BE SPOKEN.

BUT I SPOKE IT, BOBBY.

AND IT WAS VOLDEMORT.

AND I KILLED HIM IN THE EIGHTH MOVIE.

WHICH WAS THE SECOND HALF OF THE SEVENTH BOOK.

- EAGLEWING, I HAD NO IDEA.

- SO NOW YOU KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT EAGLEWING.

- THAT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE STORY I EVER HEARD.

I AM SO SORRY.

- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MS. BOTTLESERVICE.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- THAT'S THE KIND OF LOVE THAT WAS RIPPED AWAY FROM ME.

- WELL, THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S A HORRIBLE STORY.

I'M SO SORRY.

- YOU GOT YOURSELF ONE HELL OF A SON HERE.

both: THANK YOU.

- AND AN EVEN BETTER GIGOLO.

- I KNOW.

BOBBY, WHAT YOU DID, PLOWING YOUR WAY

THROUGH THAT WHITE-HOT BACHE-LORETTE PARTY

JUST TO SAVE ME, IT WAS SO...

- WHAT? - IT WAS SO...

- WHAT? - IT WAS SO ROMANTIC.

- OH, MA.

- IF YOU WEREN'T MY SON.

- IF YOU WEREN'T MY MOTHER.

- OH...

- [clears throat]

I'M NOT YOUR SON. HOW ABOUT?

OH. - I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SAY.

- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? - I DON'T KNOW.

- I GOT TO START USING MORE TOOTHPICKS.

- THE GIGOLO HOUSE IS A VERITABLE FORTRESS.

I MEAN, THESE GUYS ARE ROAMING THE PERID--

[groans]

[laughs] YEAH, OUR BLOOPER REEL DOING.

I LIKE TO TAKE THIS SERIOUS,

BUT WHEN A BLOOPER HAPPENS, THERE'S NO STOPPING THEM.

- WE JOKE AROUND ON SET.

WE JOKE AROUND ON SET!

- THEN IT'S LIKE AFTER THE MOVIE,

IT'S ALL CRACK-UPS,

'CAUSE WE'RE PARTYING ALL DAY ON SET, WHATEVER.

PETER, STOP LOOKING IN THE CAMERA, BRO.

- SORRY, SORRY. IT'S ALL THE MOVIE MAGIC.

IT'S MAKING ME GO CRAZY.

BLOOPERS!

- HA HA. GOOD AT BUSINESS.

- OW.

- HI, SPENCER.

- BABE, HOW'S IT GOING.

I HEARD THE NEWS. SO DOPE.

SO DOPE.

I'M SO HAPPY WE CAN FINALLY bleep] AND BE TOGETHER.

[laughter]

- BLOOPERS!