Original subtitles

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- I'M NASH RICKEY...

A ROCK AND ROLL LEGEND WHO LOST HIS TOP 40 VIRGINITY

WITH THE SEMI SMASH HIT L.A. DELI.

♪ L.A. DELI ♪

TODAY I'M GOING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH A BULLY.

TODAY'S BULLY VICTIM IS A SWEET 15-YEAR-OLD ANGEL

BY THE NAME OF DENISE.

LET'S MEET HER.

- MY NAME IS DENISE.

I'M ABOUT TO TURN 15 YEARS OLD.

ONE OF MY PASSIONS IN LIFE IS SINGING SONGS.

♪ WILL YOU BE THE FIRST TO TAKE ME ALL THE WAY? ♪

THERE WAS THIS GIRL, BRITNEY,

AND SHE'S A KARAOKE BULLY

BECAUSE SHE OFTEN STEALS THE MIC

AND SHE PUSHES IN TOO MANY SONGS TO THE SYSTEM.

- CAN I PLEASE HAVE THE MICROPHONE?

CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE IT BACK?

- I NEED HELP TO TAKE THE MICROPHONE BACK

SO THAT I CAN SING MY OWN SONGS.

- I MET WITH SWEET DENISE BEFORE HER BIRTHDAY PARTY

TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HER BULLY.

- WELL, BASICALLY, I'VE BEEN DEALING

WITH THIS GIRL, BRITNEY, IN MY CLASS.

- WATCH OUT, BRITNEY.

I'M COMING FOR YOU.

I'M GONNA DECIMATE THIS GIRL, BRITNEY,

AND LET ME TELL YOU.

I'M NOT A STRANGER TO THE FISTS OF A WOMAN.

- LISTEN, ALL I WANT TO HAPPEN IS FOR BRITNEY TO BE TOLD

THAT SHE CAN'T TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S KARAOKE TIME.

A LOT OF GIRLS IN MY CLASS ARE HAVING KARAOKE PARTIES.

- AS I LISTENED TO SWEET DENISE,

I REALIZED THAT THE SHOW WAS NOT KARATE BULLIES,

BUT INSTEAD, KARAOKE BULLIES, WHICH WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE

WITH MY HISTORY OF SINGING.

- THIS IS NOT KARATE BULLIES, BECAUSE I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.

- THIS IS A KARAOKE BULLY SHOW.

I THOUGHT THE SHOW WAS KARATE BULLIES,

AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME IT'S KARAOKE BULLIES?

WELL, WELL, WELL, THE PLANS HAVE CHANGED.

I WAS DRESSED UP IN A KARATE OUTFIT.

I WILL NOW DISGUISE MYSELF AS A TONE-DEAF BUSINESSMAN.

NO ONE WOULD EXPECT

THAT UNDERNEATH THIS SQUARE BUSINESSMAN SUIT,

LAY NASH RICKEY, A LION READY TO POUNCE.

HIYA. HIYA.

TO PULL THIS ALL OFF,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TURN TO A HIGHER POWER--

MUSIC ITSELF.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- DO PEOPLE KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE VOICE OF MARCEL THE SHELL?

- [as Marcel the Shell] I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT ONE OF THESE DAYS.

- DO YOU HAVE EARS?

- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

- YOU DON'T LISTEN TO MUSIC?

- NO, I LISTEN TO A LOT OF MUSIC.

I LIKE ALL DIFFERENT KINDS--

CLASSICAL, CLASSIC ROCK, ANYTHING WITH A GOOD SPIRIT.

- WHO ARE YOU MOST SCARED OF? - I'M MOST SCARED OF THE DOG.

- [laughing]

NICE TO SEE YOU, JENNY.

- [normal voice] NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

- AND HERE WE ARE, TALKING AS TWO REGULAR PEOPLE.

- YEAH, I'M GOOD AT THAT. - YEAH.

- I DON'T NEED TO DO VOICES TO RELATE.

- I DON'T NEED CHARACTERS TO HIDE BEHIND.

- ME NEITHER, BRO.

- THIS IS AN ORIGINAL

1983 MO CHEEKS NBA CHAMPIONSHIP KEY CHAIN.

- I'LL GIVE YOU $50 FOR IT. - YOU A JOKESTER?

- OOH, BABE, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

- YOU LOOK AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE BETSY ROSS BRIDGE

ALL LIT UP WITH LIGHTNING BUGS. - I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T THINK I LOOK LIKE I'M HANDING OUT SLAP JOBS

UNDER THE OVERPASS NEAR THE PENN'S LANDING DAVE & BUSTERS?

- NO, YOU LOOK LIKE PRINCESS DI IN A GOWN BEFORE SHE DIED.

NOT ONLY AM I AN OWNER/OPERATOR,

BUT I'M ALSO GONNA BE A GROOM.

SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHEAT ON THE SLY NOW.

- MURPHY'S BEING SO NICE AND LETTING ME PICK OUT ANY DRESS

I WANT FROM THE ENTIRE SHOP.

ALSO, AT THE REHEARSAL DINNER,

HE SAID WE COULD HAVE A WATER ICE FOUNTAIN.

- I WANT TO GIVE TERESA THE DREAM WEDDING OF HER DREAMS.

IT'S GETTING EXPENSIVE, THOUGH.

THEM WATER ICE FOUNTAINS COST UP TO $425.

- $65.

- SAY HI TO BOTH YOUR AUNT JOANNES FOR ME.

- SAY HI TO YOURS.

- HEY, YO, MURPH, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON BREAK?

GET A LUNCH OVER AT WAWA.

YOU KNOW, IT'S HOAGIEFEST.

- HEY, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU QUIT CRAWLING UP MY ASS?

I'M JOKING. YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF ME.

YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST MAN AT MY WEDDING?

- YES.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ASKING ME, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S--

THE EAGLES GOT NOBODY PROTECTING THEIR QUARTERBACK,

RIGHT?

I NEED--I NEED TO HAVE A SMOKE.

- HEY, WHAT'S UP, YOUSE JAGOFFS?

IT'S TWO SLICK DICKS FROM ROUTE 76.

THAT'S THE TURNPIKE.

WHAT'S UP, BRO? WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE?

- YES. WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE.

I ASKED DON TO BRING BY SOME STUFF WE COULD PAWN

IN BALTIMORE, BECAUSE FINANCIALLY SPEAKING,

I'M UNDERWATER.

- YEAH, MURPH HASN'T REALLY ASKED ME,

LIKE, OUTRIGHT TO BE HIS BEST MAN,

BUT, LIKE, COME ON, WHO'S HE GONNA ASK, JOE?

- YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST MAN AT MY WEDDING?

- YES.

- THAT'S SO PRETTY.

- THANK YOU. - CONGRATULATIONS.

- IT'S A DOLPHIN. [dolphin chittering]

- I LIKE DOLPHINS AS LONG AS THEY'RE NOWHERE NEAR MIAMI.

[laughter]

EVEN THOUGH DAN MARINO WENT TO CENTRAL CATHOLIC--

NOT BAD.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. WHERE'S THE BLOWHOLE?

- I HOPE WE SEE SOME OF THESE DOLPHINS DOWN OCEAN CITY.

- YEAH, GO DOWN TO MARYLAND AND GET SOME CRABS.

- DUDE, I'M TORQUED.

- MARYLAND IS HUMID AS BALLS, MAN.

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN POLAMALU'S HOMELAND.

- SO WE WERE MEETING WITH OUR COUSIN,

DANNY'S BROTHER-IN-LAW, PAUL, AND HIS FRIEND NEIL,

AND THESE ARE

A COUPLE BIG-TIME BALTIMORE PAWNSHOP OWNER/OPERATORS.

I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

HOW THEY DO BUSINESS DOWN HERE IN MARYLAND.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS HERE.

WHERE DO YOU WANT US TO LAY THE PRODUCT?

- RIGHT ON THE PAVEMENT.

- THAT'S HOW WE DO BUSINESS DOWN HERE.

- FIRST UP, BALTIMORE FILMMAKER

JOHN WATERS SIGNED POSTER.

- OKAY.

- SECOND UP, EDGAR ALLEN POE, FEET OF A CROW

- HE WROTE MOST OF HIS GOOD STUFF IN PHILLY.

- HE WROTE HIS SPOOKIEST STUFF IN BALTIMORE.

- YEAH, 'CAUSE THE CITY'S A NIGHTMARE.

- HE'S FROM ENGLAND.

BIG BEN KNOWS WHAT TIME IT IS.

- I'M WACKO FOR FLACCO.

- FLACCO'S A JACKHOLE. - [bleep] OFF.

- SPEAKING OF THE RAVENS,

WE GOT AN AUTOGRAPHED RAY LEWIS FINGERPRINT.

[siren wailing] - NOTED THUG.

- WHAT IF I GAVE $330? - O...KAY.

- ALL RIGHT.

- OR I CAN GIVE YOU

SOME HONUS WAGNER PRE-OWNED COLOGNE.

- WHOA. HONUS WAGNER PRE-OWNED COLOGNE?

THAT'S WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD BACK IN THE 'BURGH, BRO.

I COULD GET, LIKE, $650 FOR THAT AT THE STORE.

- HOW ABOUT YOU SHOW ME SOME COUSINLY LOVE.

I COULD REALLY USE THAT CASH FOR THAT WATER ICE FOUNTAIN.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN. IT'S YOUR WEDDING.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

- YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN. - FINALLY IT'S OFFICIAL.

- DEAL. - ♪ YOU DID IT ♪

- MY NAME IS GABE LIEDMAN,

AND I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA.

I'M THE ONLY PITTSBURGHER.

I'M FROM ABINGTON, PENNSYLVANIA.

I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA,

BUT I LIVED IN PITTSBURGH FOR FIVE YEARS.

- DO YOU THINK THEY'LL EVER MAKE POT LEGAL

IN PENNSYLVANIA? - NO.

- NOT IF ANYONE WHO LIVES IN PENNSYLVANIA HAS TO DO WITH IT.

THE POT THERE IS SHIT.

- YEAH. WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR DIRT WEED?

- YEAH, MAN. - WHEN I GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS,

I WANT TO SMOKE THAT KUSH.

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT WEED SMELLS LIKE, PENNSYLVANIA?

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU HAVE THERE.

- YEAH, WHAT IS IT-- WHAT DO PEOPLE--

WHAT DOES IT SMELL LIKE OVER THERE?

- CHICKEN NUGGETS.

- MAUREEN, YOU'RE LATE.

- NO KIDDING, LARRY.

I'VE BEEN PREGGO FOR THREE MONTHS HERE.

- LARRY BIRD, IT'S BEGUILING TO ME WHY YOU STILL DEIGN

TO TEND BAR AT THIS TAVERN OF TEARAWAYS.

YOU'RE ONE OF BOSTON'S BIGGEST SPORTS STARS.

WHY, YOU MAKE BOBBY ORR LOOK LIKE RAY BOURQUE.

- IT'S INTERESTING YOU SAY THAT, KELSEY GRAMMER.

THEY WON'T LET ME INTO THE BOSTON GARDEN TILL 5:00 P.M.

THAT LEAVES ME WITH NINE FREE HOURS.

PLUS, ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE THESE COUNTERS NEED CLEANING.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, FROZEN HEAD OF TED WILLIAMS?

- WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING

YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THERE, LARRY.

YOU KNOW THE FOLKS OVER THERE AT ALCOR

WHO PUT MY HEAD HERE INTO...

all: CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN SUSPENDED ANIMATION.

- YEAH, WELL, THEY ALSO MAKE SOME DYNAMITE CLEANING PRODUCTS.

- IS LARRY BIRD HERE?

- LOOK WHO IT IS, LARRY--

YOUR FRIEND AND TEAMMATE BILL WALTON.

- WHAT'S UP, BILL?

- IF I'M AROUND, PLENTY OF SMOKE.

- ♪ I WANNA GO WHERE NOBODY KNOWS MY FACE ♪

♪ WHERE PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE AND NOBODY GRABS YOUR SPACE ♪

♪ I WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE DON'T CARE ♪

♪ WHETHER OR NOT I'M THERE ♪

♪ ALL I NEED IS A DRINK AND A CHAIR ♪

- SO CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M GOOD.

- I THOUGHT I SMELLED A FUNKY CIGARETTE.

- I LOVE ALL YOUR SHOWS, MAN. - THANK YOU.

YES, FRASIER WAS A REAL WATERSHED MOMENT FOR ME,

AND BY THE END, I WAS MAKING $400,000 PER EPISODE.

OF COURSE, I TOOK A PAY CUT FOR BOSS,

AS I DEEMED IT AN ARTISTIC CHALLENGE.

AND THIS IS ALL IN THE FUTURE.

- YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DRINK,

THEN WHY DID YOU COME HERE?

DO YOU NEED A RIDE TO THE GAME?

ALTHOUGH I'D PREFER TO DRIVE ON MY OWN.

IT'S THE ONLY TIME I GET ALONE.

- NO, NO, I DON'T NEED A RIDE ANYWHERE, MAN.

I QUIT THE TEAM.

I'M SICK OF RED AUERBACH'S BULL[bleep], MAN.

- HOW'S COME? - WELL, HE ASKED ME

TO SHAVE MY BEARD, AND I SAID NO,

'CAUSE I GOT NO CHIN, BRO.

- NO CHIN? - I GOT NO BODY.

- CAN I WORK HERE AT CHAIRS?

- THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IS NO,

BECAUSE YOU DO NEED A LICENSE TO TEND BAR HERE.

- WELL, BILL, I CAN HELP YOU PASS THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR EXAM.

- MM-MM, NOT RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T, SACK OF SAND.

IT'S HAPPY HOUR. - HAPPY HOUR?

LIKE, WHEN I GET TO SHOOT BASKETS IN AN EMPTY GYM?

- NO, THE TIME WHEN YOU ZIP YOUR LIP,

AND START TO POUR THOSE [bleep] SUDS.

- ALL RIGHT, MAUREEN.

- THE ACTING ON CHEERS IS SO, SO, SO GOOD,

BUT ONCE YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH IT

AND YOU WATCH ALL, WHATEVER, TEN SEASONS OF CHEERS,

YOU CAN SEE THE CRACKS IN THEIR ACTING.

WHERE IT REALLY COMES IN IS WHEN THEY HAVE A MOMENT

WHERE CARLA JUST, YOU KNOW, TAKES A CRAP

ON FRASIER OR WHATEVER, SAYS SOME ZINGER,

AND THEN FRASIER'S JUST KIND OF LIKE...

- [laughs]

- YEAH, HE'S LIKE,

"I'M WAITING FOR THE INVISIBLE PEOPLE TO LAUGH."

[heavy metal music]

♪ ♪

- DENISE'S BIRTHDAY IS IN FULL SWING,

BUT IT IS ALSO UNDER ATTACK

BY A 15-YEAR-OLD BULLY NAMED BRITNEY.

- OH, I'M DENISE.

I'M JUST DENISE, OBVIOUSLY, BUT, UM...

SO THERE' S THAT.

SECONDLY, I'D LIKE TO SAY THANK YOU.

PLEASE OBEY THE LIST.

- MY DISGUISE IS ALMOST COMPLETE.

BRITNEY HAS NO IDEA THAT SHE'S ABOUT TO GET HER FACE

MELTED OFF WITH AN INSANE KARAOKE VERSION OF L.A. DELI.

♪ L.A. DELI ♪

- SUNG BY NONE OTHER THAN NASH RICKEY.

- ♪ SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE ME DO MY THING ♪

♪ SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE ME ♪ - ♪ MOVE AROUND ♪

♪ SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE ME DO MY THING ♪

- A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE TO SEE ME MOVE AROUND,

AND I CHOSE THE SONG.

CAN I SING?

BRITNEY, CAN I SING IT, PLEASE?

- I MUST PROTECT MY SWEET LITTLE DENISE,

AND AS I SLURP BRITNEY UP...

[slurping]

I CAN TASTE HER BLOOD NOW.

AAH!

I DID NOT ANTICIPATE THAT A GROWN MAN

DRESSED IN A BUSINESS SUIT AT A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY

WOULD STICK OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB,

WHICH I'M ALL TOO FAMILIAR WITH

AFTER AN INJURY I SUSTAINED

TRYING TO IMPRESS A THAI BOY/GIRL...

MANY YEARS AGO.

- CUT THE SONG. CUT THE SONG. CUT THE SONG.

BRITNEY, THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO YOU FROM DENISE

BECAUSE THIS KARAOKE BULLY IS ABOUT TO BE HUMBLED.

♪ L.A. DELI ♪

♪ WHERE THE AFTER-PARTY'S RAGING IN MY L.A. TOWN ♪

- I DON'T LIKE ROCK MUSIC. I THINK IT'S PRETTY SCARY.

I GET SCARED OF ALL THOSE ROCK PEOPLE.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- YOU'VE JUST BEEN KARAOKE-BULLIED.

- WHAT?

- I AM NONE OTHER THAN ROCK LEGEND NASH RICKEY.

- NASH?

- HELEN?

IS THIS YOUR DAUGHTER? - YEAH.

- BRITNEY, I'M YOUR FATHER.

- MOM?

- I NEVER IMAGINED I WOULD RUN INTO MY ILLEGITIMATE,

LONG-LOST DAUGHTER, BRITNEY,

LET ALONE SHAME HER AND BULLY HER IN PUBLIC.

- I THOUGHT I'D FEEL REALLY GOOD

WHEN BRITNEY GOT HER COMEUPPANCE,

BUT I ACTUALLY FELT KIND OF BAD.

SHE GOT EMBARRASSED,

AND SHE FOUND OUT THAT HER DAD IS RUCKY NOSHY.

- I MEAN, YOU JUST ATTACKED...

- BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER

WILL TAKE TIME AND TRUST--

TWO THINGS THAT ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY.

- ♪ OTTA WANNA, OTTA WANNA, OTTA WANNA GO TO BED ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANT, I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED ♪

[gunshot]

- SO WE'RE DOING OUR REHEARSAL DINNER

AT PROBABLY THE FINEST CRAB SHACK IN ALL OF OCEAN CITY.

WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA HAVE SOME DRINKS,

MAYBE DO A LITTLE KARAOKE.

- WHO'S THIS JOKESTER, MURPH?

- THAT'S ONE OF MY OLD BUDDIES FROM VOCATIONAL SCHOOL.

- I HOPE YOU WORE YOUR DANCING SHOES.

- I WAS HOPING TO WRITE MY SPEECH IN THE CAR RIDE DOWN,

BUT MURPH FORGOT ABOUT ME, AND I HAD TO DRIVE MYSELF.

- HEY.

TALK. - TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK.

- I'M NOT MUCH IN EMOTION, SO I'M GONNA KEEP THIS BRIEF.

TERESA, WHAT CAN I SAY?

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK GOOD AS [bleep].

- DUDE, THAT SPEECH WAS GOOD AS HELL.

- THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

- I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT SPEECH FOR TWO YEARS.

- THAT DIRT CAN BE REALLY CUTE SOMETIMES.

- AND NOW TIME FOR A SPEECH FROM MY BEST MAN...

JOE FROM WORK.

- I'D START MY SPEECH WITH A JOKE,

BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE.

WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY DEFINES THE WORD "WEDDING"

AS A MARRIAGE CEREMONY.

WEBSTER'S DEFINES "CEREMONY" AS A FORMAL--

- ALL RIGHT, NO MORE!

DUDE, YOU JUST TOLD ME I WAS YOUR BEST MAN.

- YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN.

- HOW ABOUT YOU KEEP YOUR PROMISES, ALL RIGHT?

- I SAID YOU WERE THE BEST, MAN.

YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN.

- THAT 650 BUCKS COULD'VE BOUGHT DON JR. A MINI BIKE.

- DON, WHY YOU FREAKING OUT?

- YOU SAID, "YOU'RE THE BEST MAN."

- YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN.

DON, I SAID, "YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN"

YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN."

- YEAH, YOU SAID I WAS THE BEST MAN.

- YOU'RE THE BEST, MAN.

- OH, MY GOD!

- HEY, DON, WHY DON'T YOU CHILL OUT, OKAY?

YOU'RE MAKING MY BRIDE UPSET.

SHE'S GONNA LOSE ONE OF HER EYELASHES.

- THERE'S SO MANY DIFFERENT PARTS TO A WEDDING.

HINES WARD, POLAMALU, AND YOU GOT YOURSELF ROETHLISBERGER.

- HE'S A RAPIST. - HE'S A RAPIST.

AND HE'S AN EFFECTIVE QUARTERBACK IN THE POCKET.

- YOU'RE MY HINES WARD, DON, OKAY?

THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU TO BE MY RING BEARER.

- OH, I'M THE RING BEARER?

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S A JOB FOR AN OVERWEIGHT CHILD.

WHAT AM I, FRODO BAGGINS?

- YOU GOT THE FACIAL HAIR TO MATCH.

- YEAH, WELL, TALKING ABOUT HOBBITS,

THEY DON'T HAVE MUCH FACIAL HAIR, DO THEY?

THEY GOT FOOT HAIR. - HEY, JOE, A-PLUS SPEECH.

- SERIOUSLY? - NO.

- SO I HEARD MURPH AND TERESA

GOT SOME KARAOKE PLANNED FOR LATER.

I'M GONNA RUIN IT.

- TONIGHT ONE OF THESE JAGOFFS DIES.

- OH, YEAH, DONNIE, WE'LL BRING THEM DOWN.

- WE'LL GET UP ON STAGE AND INTERRUPT THEM.

- YOU ARE A COMEDIAN. HOW DO YOU LIKE PUBLIC SPEAKING?

- UH, NOT A BIG FAN OF IT.

- [laughs]

- I MEAN, HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT SPEAKING TO ANYBODY AT ANY TIME?

I WOULD DO WITHOUT IT IF I COULD.

- DID YOU WATCH CHEERS, GROWING UP, A LOT?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

- YOU'RE WATCHING CHEERS RIGHT NOW.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THE DAY WE SHOT THAT SKETCH,

AND EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY

TRAPPED IN THAT LITTLE BOX, IN THAT LITTLE JAR?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, MAN, I'M FINE.

THIS IS GREAT FOR ME."

- THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE. - I JUST SAT IN A JAR.

ANDREW ASKED ME IF I WANTED WATER ONCE IN A WHILE.

MAYBE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE, LIKE, A TURTLE OR SOMETHING.

- OKAY, BILL, LET'S TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU GIVE A NEW CUSTOMER A DRY NAPKIN?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW, LARRY.

MY BRAIN IS FRIED AND NOT THE GOOD KIND OF FRIED.

- WELL, WHY NOT RIP TICKETS AT SYMPHONY HALL?

I'M SURE THE STRINGS OF THE POPS

WILL BE PREFERABLE TO THE QUIPS OF THE MAUREENS.

- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH, KELSEY GRAMMER?

OTHERWISE, WE'RE GONNA BE HEARING SOME POPS IN HERE--

THE SOUND OF THE POPS WHEN I POP YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.

- YEAH, HELLO. I'M THE PROCTOR

FOR THE MASSACHUSETTS STATE BARTENDING EXAM.

- OW, MY BACK. - OW, MY FEET.

- TO A MR. BILL WALTON.

- WHAT BOSTONIAN DOESN'T KNOW WHO BILL WALTON IS?

COME ON. - I'M A BRUINS FAN.

- LARRY, YOU GOT TO PRETEND TO BE ME, BRO.

YOU KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY I'LL PASS THE EXAM.

- BUT, BILL, I THOUGHT I WAS JUST HELPING YOU OUT

WITH AN ASSIST.

COME ON, LARRY, STOP USING BASKETBALL TERMS

AS THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO RELATE TO PEOPLE.

THERE'S GOT TO BE OTHER WAYS,

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALONE IN THIS UNIVERSE.

YOU GOT TO MAKE FRIENDS. - IS HE HERE OR WHAT?

I ACTUALLY GOT BRUINS TICKETS FOR TONIGHT.

- HE'S RIGHT HERE. - YES.

- RIGHT HERE, STANDING NEXT TO ME.

I'M LARRY BIRD. - OH, [bleep] YOU, LARRY.

WHAT THE [bleep]? YOU [bleep] ME. [bleep].

- BILL, THERE'S ONE THING YOU GOT TO KNOW ABOUT ME.

I'M VICIOUSLY COMPETITIVE.

- I GUESS SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

I DO NOT LIKE GETTING TESTED...

ON ACCOUNT OF MY RAMPANT DRUG USE.

- GO-TO KARAOKE SONG? - OH, GO TO WHERE?

- WHAT'S YOUR GO-TO KARAOKE SONG?

- OH, WHAT IS MY GO-TO?

I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE KING FROM THE LION KING.

- SO WHAT'S THAT SONG ABOUT?

- IT'S ABOUT HOW HE'S GONNA BE A MIGHTY KING,

SO ENEMIES SHOULD BEWARE

AND OTHER THINGS,

LIKE KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORNBILLS,

LIKE, FOR A START,

AND NOT, LIKE-- NOBODY WOULD BE LIKE, "DO THIS."

NOBODY WOULD SAY, "BE THERE," OR, "STOP THAT," OR, "SEE HERE."

- IT SOUNDS LIKE A HUBRIS-FILLED FANTASY SONG.

- YEAH, IT'S ABOUT A YOUNG PRINCE

WHO CAN'T WAIT TO BE KING.

[horn honks]

- I'LL DO IT MYSELF. I'VE GOT IT.

EARLIER THIS EVENING, I GOT A CALL ABOUT BAD BLOOD

AT A KARAOKE REHEARSAL DINNER.

- AS MURPH'S BEST MAN, I GOT TO WATCH HIS BACK.

SO I PREEMPTIVELY CALLED THE KARAOKE-BULLY HOTLINE.

- TO FULLY BLEND IN

SO THAT I COULD AMBUSH THE KARAOKE BULLY,

I NEEDED TO GET INTO A DISGUISE.

TATTERED ROBES, CROWN OF THORNS--

IF IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE JESUS CHRIST, SO BE IT.

THERE YOU GO.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[all singing indistinctly]

♪ BABY, DON'T YOU WANNA GRAB SOME TASTYKAKES ♪

♪ LOAD UP THE CAMPER AND GO ♪

♪ WE'RE GOING UP TO THE POCONOS ♪

- YEAH. - WHOO!

- THERE SEEMS TO BE A KARAOKE PARTY

WHERE THE CAMARADERIE IS RUNNING FREE.

I'M BEGINNING TO WONDER,

AM I BEING PRANKED LIKE JESUS WAS PRANKED BY THE ROMANS

AT BETHLEHEM?

WILL THE BULLY EVER SHOW HIS FACE?

all: ♪ DELAWARE TO CHESAPEAKE BAY ♪

- ♪ OOH, BOP BOP, DOO WOP WOP ♪

all: ♪ BUT FOR ME, PARADISE IS JUST A QUARTER OF THE PRICE ♪

♪ IT'S JUST AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF DRIVE AWAY ♪

- ♪ A-A-A-Y ♪

- AH, YES, THE BULLY SHOWS HIS COWARDLY FACE.

- ♪ YOU'RE MOVING WAY TOO SLOW ♪

♪ COMING DOWN TO THE POCONOS ♪

HEY! THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M TAKING OVER THIS [bleep].

NOBODY'S ALLOWED ONSTAGE ANYMORE.

[rock music]

[sad music, Teresa crying]

♪ ♪

- I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RESURRECT L.A. DELI

AND TAKE THIS BULLY DOWN.

LET'S GO.

- WHOA, DUDE, WHAT'S UP?

- ♪ WHEN THE PARTY'S BREAKIN' UP AND THE DOORS ARE CLOSING DOWN ♪

♪ AND THE CITY OF ANGELS SLEEPS ♪

♪ L.A. DELI ♪

♪ WHERE THE AFTER-PARTY'S RAGING IN MY L.A. TOWN ♪

- I GUESS THIS BULLY WAS TOO STRONG.

I WAS AMBUSHED, BUT THAT OFTENTIMES HAPPEN TO HEROES--

HEROES AND MARTYRS.

- ♪ GONNA RIDE THAT WINGED BEAUTY ♪

- DUDE, ALL CREDIT WHERE CREDIT'S DUE.

YOU ROCKED THAT, DUDE.

- THANKS, DUDE. - WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE?

- WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE.

- LET'S GET BLACKOUT DRUNK. - LET'S DO IT!

- LET'S DO THIS!

[all cheering]

- WHERE'S THE PRODUCER? THERE ARE NO KEYS IN THE CAR.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- HA HA. GOOD AT BIZNESS.

- OW.

- OKAY, NOW TO KICK IT OFF, IT'S DENISE, WITH--

OH, DARN IT.

♪ COULD YOU BE THE FIRST TO TAKE ME ALL THE WAY? ♪

♪ I AIN'T WITH A BOY NO MORE, I'VE THROWN MY CARES AWAY ♪