Original subtitles

- OKAY, SO, WE ARE GOING TO INJECT YOU

WITH ENOUGH PROPOFOL TO TEMPORARILY KILL YOU,

BUT THEN WE'LL BRING YOU BACK WITH ADRENALINE

SO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY--

- OH, OH...NO SPOILERS, NO SPOILERS.

- AND ONE MORE THING...

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SUE US, ARE YOU?

- OH, NO. LITIGATION IS FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS.

- ASPEN, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE DYING, IT'S HILARIOUS.

IT'S LIKE BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO JERSEY.

AS LONG I CAN DISCOVER THE FIRST LINE OF MY SCREENPLAY.

I'M DOWN FOR WHATEVS.

- OKAY. HERE WE GO.

- BYE. - BUH-BYE.

[heart monitor beeping]

- MMM.

[irregular beeping]

[sustained beep]

HELLUR?

DR. TODDS?

OH, A DOOR.

- OH, HEY, MAN.

- AM I SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID OF YOU?

- I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M JUST, LIKE, HANGIN' AND BANGIN'.

I LIKE TO COME TO THE FLATLINING UNIVERSE

'CAUSE, LIKE, IT JUST HELPS ME CONCENTRATE

ON WRITING MY SCREENPLAY.

- HONESTLY, IT'S, LIKE, REALLY EXCITING TO MEET

A FELLOW WRITER.

LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO, LIKE, GEEK OUT ON YOU,

BUT, LIKE, I'M A FAN.

- AND I'M JUST LIKE, "CHEERS."

- OH, MY GOD.

- I FEEL LIKE WHAT WE'RE BOTH TRYING TO DO IS, LIKE,

STAND ON THE SHOULDERS OF GIANTS.

LIKE TED TURNER, KUROSAWA...

- COEN BROTHERS.

DAVID FINCHER.

- OH, MY GOD, I LOVE DAVID FINCHER.

[both laughing]

- DO YOU WANT TO COME IN AND, LIKE, CHILL OUT?

- CHEERS. I WOULD LOVE TO.

- YEAH, THAT'S ONE OF THE MAIN CHALLENGES

TO WRITING THIS SCREENPLAY.

IT NEEDS TO BE FUNNY RIGHT AWAY.

- YEAH. IT'S GOT TO BE FUNNY.

BUT IT ALSO HAS TO, LIKE, GRAB YOU.

- YEAH.

- I LOVE STORY.

BUT THEN I'M ALSO LIKE, "I LOVE CHARACTER."

- I JUST FEEL LIKE

THAT FIRST LINE OF THE SCREENPLAY

PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT THAT FIRST LINE."

LIKE, "WOW." - YEAH.

- I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK.

I FEEL LIKE WE'VE DONE A LOT OF GOOD WORK,

AND I THINK WE DON'T WANT TO GET BURNED OUT.

SO, LIKE, LET'S JUST CHILL OUT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

- I DON'T KNOW, DO YOU WANT TO JUST, LIKE,

YANK EACH OTHER OFF TO COMPLETION?

- DEFINITELY.

OH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?

IT'S LIKE A DOPPELGANG-BANG, ISN'T IT?

- STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH A LITTLE DICK AND JACK ME OFF,

YOU LITTLE BITCH.

GIVE ME A PEN AND PAPER.

I JUST WROTE THE FIRST LINE OF MY SCREENPLAY!

- PEN AND PAPER, PLEASE.

- THE WRITER'S BLOCK IS OVER! THE WRITER'S BLOCK IS OVER!

- UM, ASPEN, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT, UH...

WENDY IS DEAD.

[sustained beep]

- FADE IN...

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- I HAVE HAD A VERY BAD TRIP,

UH, WHEN I TOOK MUSHROOMS,

BECAUSE [bleep] TOOK MORE MUSHROOMS

THAN ANYBODY SHOULD EVER TAKE.

HE COULDN'T FIND HIS OWN APARTMENT

WITHIN HIS APARTMENT BUILDING, SO WE COULDN'T TAKE HIM HOME,

SO WE JUST HAD TO KEEP WALKING AROUND AND--

DIDN'T YOU GUYS END UP GOING INTO--

HE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, THIS IS MY APARTMENT,"

AND YOU WALKED IN AND IT WAS NOT HIS APARTMENT?

- YES. WE WENT INTO AN APARTMENT.

HE WAS VERY CONFIDENT, AND HE SAID, "THIS IS MY APARTMENT."

HE WALKED INTO THE APARTMENT,

TOOK OFF HIS SHOES, FOR SOME REASON,

AND THEN LAY DOWN ON HIS COUCH--

- HE HAS A NO-SHOE APARTMENT. - YEAH.

AND THEN HIS ROOMMATE GETS UP AND GOES,

"WHO ARE YOU GUYS?"

- [laughs] - WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

AND THEN HE PULLED A KNIFE OUT OF THE KITCHEN KNIFE BLOCK,

AND WAS LIKE, "WHY DID YOU BREAK INTO MY HOUSE?"

AND I GO, "HEY, MAN...

WE'RE HAVING A REALLY BAD TIME RIGHT NOW,"

AND I SHOWED HIM MY EYEBALL,

AND HE IMMEDIATELY UNDERSTOOD.

HE WAS LIKE, "OH, OH. DO YOU GUYS WANT SOME WATER?"

[humming]

- HEY, LIZ.

- OH, HEY, GUYS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME.

- LIKE, ARE YOU, LIKE, HIDING

FROM, LIKE, THE PAPARAZZI, OR WHAT?

- I MAY AS WELL SOON BE, CONSIDERING.

- CONSIDERING, LIKE, WHAT?

- BANGS! I GOT BANGS!

♪ FEELIN' SO GOOD ♪

- CONGRATS.

I'M LIZ.

I HAVE A "B."

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GROW UP.

- AND I'M LIZ.

I GOT BANGS!

- OUR PR FIRM IS CALLED "PUBLIZITY."

- IT'S BASED OFF OUR NAMES.

I GOT BANGS.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.

IT'S LIKE A CLEANSE FOR, LIKE, YOUR FACE.

- THEY'RE BANGS. THEY'RE GREAT. CONGRATURITOS.

[slurping]

[swallowing]

- WAIT, HOLD ON. IS THAT A DIG?

I HAVE BANGS NOW, AND, LIKE,

YOU'RE BEING, LIKE, JEALOUS

OF, LIKE, THE RISK-TAKING THAT I'VE DONE BY, LIKE,

GETTING BANGS.

- LIKE, ARE YOU DONE?

LIKE, IS IT OVER?

- YOU THINK IT'S, LIKE, FUN FOR ME

TO HAVE MY, LIKE, BEST FRIEND, LIKE, BE LIKE,

"OH MY GOD, LIKE, YOU GOT BANGS," LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL,

LIKE, OBVIOUSLY IT'S, LIKE, A BIG DEAL.

- HONESTLY, FOR ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT--

LOVE YOUR JAR.

- IT'S A MASON!

- BUT LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU SHOW UP TO WORK WEARING SALMON

WHEN YOU KNEW THAT, LIKE, HONESTLY,

ONE OF THE OTHER EXECUTIVES WAS WEARING SALMON?

I HEARD THAT SALMON IS HEALTHY FOR YOU,

BUT APPARENTLY TOO MUCH CAN MAKE YOU SICK.

- I WORE SALMON ALL ON MY OWN, OKAY?

AND I'M SWIMMING UPSTREAM,

AND INSTEAD OF SEEING ANOTHER SALMON,

I'M SEEING A BEAR.

- REALLY? 'CAUSE I'M SEEING A WHALE.

[ominous music]

[whale song]

LIZ, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, LIKE.

[whale song]

LIZ.

DON'T DO THIS.

OH, MY GOD.

LIZ.

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?

- MAYBE IT'S NOT LIKE WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME,

IT'S LIKE WHAT'S GOTTEN ONTO ME.

IT'S THESE BANGS.

I AM LEAVING TOWN UNTIL THESE BANGS GROW OUT.

- SHE HAS NEVER WALKED OUT OF A MEETING BEFORE.

- CASSANDRA! - LIZ!

- CASSANDRA! - LIZ!

- CASSANDRA, GIVE ME MY GO BAG.

- BANG VOYAGE.

♪ YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR LOVE ♪

♪ BUT NO ONE CAN HELP YOU SEE ♪

♪ IT'S ALL IN THE MYSTERY ♪

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

[unintelligible]

CASSANDRA! WHAT?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE GOING ON RIGHT NOW WITH YOU?

NOBODY CARES, LIKE, HONESTLY, WHY--

WHERE'S LIZ?

- SHE LEFT.

- YOU MAKE ME SICK.

♪ I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT ♪

both: OH...

HELLO!

- OF COURSE I'M GEORGE ST. GEEGLAND.

- AND I'M CHARMED, I'M SURE, GIL FAIZON.

THIS IS TOO MUCH TUNA.

- TRUCK STOPS, REST STOPS, AND TENTS.

NOW WE ALL KNOW TOO MUCH TUNA.

THE SHOW WHERE NOBODIES AND SCHMUCKS

ARE PRANKED BY TWO CELEBRITIES.

WE'RE HERE IN THE HEARTLAND.

THESE DUMPS THOUGHT THE DEPRESSION WAS A PROBLEM?

WAIT TILL THEY'RE PRANKED SO BAD THEY CAN'T FACE THEIR FAMILIES.

- WE'RE ABOUT TO PRANK A REAL-LIFE TRUCKER.

- THIS GUY MAY DRIVE A BIG RIG,

BUT HE'S GONNA HAVE A BIG FROWN WHEN HE'S PRANKED,

'CAUSE HE'S NOBODY, AND I'M KING.

- OH. I DRIVE A RIG. IT'S PARKED OUTSIDE.

- OOH, YOU'RE A TRUCK DRIVER.

- ARE YOU GUYS MAKING A TV SHOW?

IS THAT WHY THE CAMERA'S HERE?

- YEAH, THE CAMERAS ARE HERE FOR A PRANK SHOW,

TOO MUCH TUNA.

- WHAT?

- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO YOU?

- NO.

- YOU LIFT WEIGHTS?

- YEAH. YOU GOT TO WORK OUT HARD TO GET ANY RESULTS.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT SINCE I WAS 15.

- I DO CARDIO.

I THROW BREAD AT PIGEONS, AND THEN I TRY TO GET IT BACK.

- YOU SHOULD GO TO THE GYM MORE OFTEN.

- SIR, HAVE YOU EVER, UH,

BEEN RICH IN NEW YORK, OR...

HAS IT ALWAYS BEEN THIS?

- YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE KIND OF RUDE.

- WHAT, WHAT? 'CAUSE I'M TALKING DOWN TO YOU?

'CAUSE I LOOK DOWN ON YOU?

- YOU SHOULD WATCH OUT.

- I DON'T THINK THIS GUY HAS ANY IDEA WHAT'S COMING.

both: OH!

- LOOK... LOOK WHAT HAS ARRIVED.

- WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

LET'S SEND THIS RIGHT DOWN I-24.

- BEEP-BEEP. HERE COMES THE TRUCK!

- WHAT THE [bleep] IS THIS FOR?

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK UNDER THE NAPKIN?

I THINK THE ANSWER'S RIGHT THERE.

BEEP-BEEP. GO TO HELL, BEN!

- AH, THAT'S FUNNY.

OH, [bleep] YOU GUYS.

- THIS IS A PRANK SHOW.

THIS IS A PRANK SHOW. WE'VE TAKEN IT ON THE ROAD.

- THERE'S A CAMERA HERE. - IT'S A PRANK SHOW?

- THERE'S A CAMERA RIGHT HERE. - YEAH, THERE'S A CAMERA THERE.

COULD WE GET YOU SAYING,

"I KNOW I'M DUMB, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN PRANKED THIS HARD"?

- OH, GOD!

AHH! AHH! GUYS, HELP ME!

- WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

- YOU'RE BOTH COMING WITH ME.

- BACK TO NEW YORK?

- BACK TO MY TRUCK.

- OH, GOD. [truck horn honks]

- I THINK HE'S UPSET ABOUT THE PRANK.

- HE'S UPSET ABOUT THE TUNA PRANK.

- I'M GONNA KILL YOU ASSHOLES!

- PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY!

- [sniffing] WHAT THE [bleep] IS THAT SMELL?

- TUNA.

- I GET THE TUNA SWEATS WHEN I GET INTO PANIC SITUATIONS.

- GET OUT!

[truck horn honks]

- SO WE'RE NOT GONNA BE MURDERED?

I'M CONSTANTLY NOT IN THE NEWS.

WOULD YOU EVER DO, LIKE, A ROCK OF LOVE SHOW

WHERE YOU FIND LOVE?

- NO.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO HACK TV LIKE THAT.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ELEMENT?

[laughs] IT'S A CRAZY QUESTION.

- WHAT ARE WE--

- WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, LIKE, GOLD, SILVER, PLATINUM.

- OH, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN A JEWELRY GUY.

- NO? - NO. I GOT A RUBBER WATCH ON.

- THAT'S A GREAT-LOOKING WATCH. - I DON'T VALUE METAL.

[hawk cries]

male announcer: LOTS OF GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS.

AND EVEN MORE WAYS TO MINE IT.

MEET TODD. - GOOD DIRT.

THERE'S GOLD UNDER THIS DIRT.

announcer: AND THIS IS DUSTY.

- LISTEN. LIFE IS TOUGH.

YEAH. I'M UNHAPPY.

announcer: AND HERE'S OUR NEWEST MINER:

LIZ.

- I LEFT LOS ANGELES TO GROW OUT MY BANGS,

AND I'M IN THE SIERRAS LOOKING FOR LOVE.

[squeaky toy noise]

[hawk cries]

announcer: THEY'RE GONNA NEED TO WORK TOGETHER

IF THEY WANT TO STRIKE IT RICH.

- AND WHO WILL WIN MY HEART?

- WHAT?

[hawk cries]

- WELL, WE'RE NOT GONNA GET RICH BY EATING BREAKFAST.

CLAIM OFFICER DEMANDS 75 OUNCES BY END OF DAY.

- HI, I'M LIZ.

SORRY MY HANDS ARE SO COLD.

HI.

I'M SO SORRY MY HANDS ARE SO COLD. HI.

- HI, LIZ. I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, SO YOU DON'T NEED TO...

- MY HANDS ARE SO COLD. - YEAH, I KNOW.

- I'LL BE HONEST.

WHEN LIZ ARRIVED, I WAS SKEPTICAL, BUT--

[laughs] SHE'S LIKE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR, YOU KNOW?

- OOH! - OH! [laughs]

- EVEN THOUGH YOU WARNED ME, THAT WAS VERY COLD.

[both laughing]

- I WANT TO KEEP MY BANGS UNDER WRAPS,

OR IN THIS CASE, UNDER HATS, BECAUSE, LIKE,

I DON'T WANT ALL THESE HOT GUYS

TO SEE THAT I MADE THE MISTAKE OF, LIKE, A LIFETIME.

- HOW DID I END UP WITH THESE GUYS? OH.

UH, FOR ME PERSONALLY, I WAS GIVEN THE OPTION,

EITHER SIGN ON TO THIS SHOW OR GO TO PRISON.

- YEAH, I'M...I'M PRETTY SURE DUSTY'S TRYING TO KILL ME.

- OH, MY GOD. YOU GUYS, STOP FIGHTING OVER ME.

[hawk cries]

THERE'S, LIKE, PLENTY OF ME TO GO AROUND. [laughs]

EVEN THOUGH I DO SOULCYCLE NOW,

SO I'M, LIKE, BASICALLY, LIKE, A TOOTHPICK.

- RIVERBED'S DRY. I'M GONNA GO DOWN BELOW TO GET MORE GRAVEL.

I'M GONNA NEED A PARTNER.

- OH, MY GOD. I'D BE HONORED.

- YEAH, I WASN'T--

- I MEAN, THE THING WITH LIZ AND TODD

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE.

RIGHT? WHERE THE WOMAN I LOVE GOES OFF WITH ANOTHER GUY.

- LET'S GO! - OKAY.

WOW, YOUR HANDS ARE FREEZING COLD.

- THEY GET YOU TO LOVE THEM,

AND THEN THEY [bleep] BETRAY YOU.

YOU KNOW, THEN THEY... THEY BREAK YOU.

AND THAT'S WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO DO.

I KNOW THAT'S WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO DO.

WHAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IS I'M GONNA BREAK HER FIRST.

[laughs]

- HUH? OH, NO. I MURDERED MY--WELL. [laughs]

[hawk cries]

- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT, UH...

WENDY IS DEAD.

- [gasps]

'SUELA? - WHY?

- WHAT?

- WHY DID YOU LET ME DIE, WENDY?

WHY DID YOU LET ME DIE? TELL ME! - SHUT UP!

- YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD IN MEXICO.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

- REMEMBER ME?

YOU CRASHED YOUR CAR INTO MY HOUSE.

- YOU DIDN'T TIP ME!

DON'T YOU KNOW WAITERS LIVE ON TIPS?

- IS THERE, LIKE, ANYONE COOL HERE?

IS, LIKE, EASY-E HERE OR SOMETHING? DIDN'T HE DIE?

- YOU MUST ATONE, WENDY.

- WHOA! HEY, GANDALF, THERE'S A THING CALLED PERSONAL SPACE.

TRY AND, UH, DEAL WITH IT.

- IN THIS FIELD ARE ALL THE PEOPLE YOU'VE HARMED

IN YOUR SHORT LIFE.

- I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU SEEM GREAT.

- I'M YOUR GRANDFATHER.

I DIED LESS THAN A YEAR AGO.

- OH! YEAH.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT FORM YOU'D LIKE ME TO TAKE?

- WHO WOULD I TURN TO IN A TIME OF NEED?

- IF YOU WANT TO FIND PEACE, YOU MUST MAKE AMENDS

WITH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE WRONGED IN YOUR LIFE.

- OHH, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

- YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

- YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

- I HOPE YOU STAY DEAD!

- SIRI, WHEN ARE THESE PEOPLE GONNA SHUT UP?

- THIS IS ALL INSIDE YOUR MIND, WENDY,

SO IT IS UP TO YOU.

- OKAY, SO THIS IS, LIKE, DREAM RULES,

AND I CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN?

- YES.

- GUN.

[laughs] YEAH.

[bleep] YOU.

- I ACCEPT MY FATE.

- [laughing]

LATER, SKATER.

- OH, WELL.

- [laughs] WOO!

[rifle cocks]

YEAH!

STUPID NERD.

[laughs] WHAT IS HAPPENING?

LET ME SEE.

MAYBE IF I...

- NO ONE KNEW WENDALL SHAWN AS WELL AS I.

- I'M HIS SISTER.

AND THAT'S TRUE.

- YOU KNOW, I'M REMINDED OF A FUNNY STORY.

WENDALLS AND I WERE STAYING AT A W HOTEL IN MINNEAPOLIS

AS A JOKE.

WENDALLS WAS IN ONE OF HIS HILARIOUS

SHNEEF-FILLED RAGES.

EXCLAIMING,

"IF I EVER DIE...

"I WANT TO BE CARRIED FROM THIS EARTHLY REALM

"ON A FIERY RAFT, LIKE A PERVERT KING FROM GAME OF THRONES,

"A SHOW I'VE NEVER SEEN,

BUT I ASSUME IS WONDERFUL, BECAUSE IT'S ON HBO."

- I'M JUST VERY UPSET

BECAUSE I REALIZED I FORGOT MY PASSWORD

TO HBO GO.

I CAN'T GET ON HBO GO ANYMORE.

- AS WENDY WOULD HAVE WANTED,

I WILL NOW DIP THIS ARROW IN GASOLINE...

AND LIGHT HIM AFLAME.

ARRIVEDERCI.

- [screams]

OH!

- WENDALLS, YOU'RE ALIVE!

- DUDE, IS THIS MY FUNE?

- WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, FOR REAL.

- HEATH FLEW BACK FROM DUBAI.

- AND YOU CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.

NICE JOB, WEND', GOOD TURNAROUND.

- HE'S GONNA HAVE MASSIVE BRAIN DAMAGE.

- NO ONE'S GONNA BE ABLE TO TELL.

- I WAS IN HEAVEN. IT RULED.

- WEND', YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED. GOOD FOR YOU.

- POP TARTS AND PEYOTE?

LIKE, YOU GUYS PUT THE "FUN" IN "FUNERAL."

I WENT TO HEV, I MET JEEZ...

I FEEL JUST AMAZING, LIKE--

IS THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU?

YOU SEEM, LIKE, LESS LIZARD-LIKE.

- WENDALLS, I'M ONLY HALF JEWISH.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I MIGHT NOT HATE JEWS ANYMORE.

- NO WAY. THIS IS MAJOR.

LIKE, I'M REALLY IMPRESSED BY YOUR OPEN-MINDEDNESS.

- I TOTALLY GOT IT DOWN THIS TIME.

- DO I HAVE, LIKE, HIRING AND FIRING, LIKE, POWERS?

WHAT ARE MY POWERS?

LIZ IS GONE,

AND I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STEP IT UP

AND GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

[gasps]

OH, MY GOD.

[gasps] OH, MY GOD.

ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE, LIKE,

LITERALLY SLAMMING BINDERS DOWN ON MY DESK,

AND I'M JUST LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"

IN TERMS OF, LIKE, THE MONEY--

- OH, THAT'S THE WHITE BINDER.

- THIS ISN'T MONEY, LIKE, THAT'S WHY THERE'S, LIKE,

PROBLEMS HERE, LIKE,

WHAT IS "COLLATERAL" MEANS?

RIGHT NOW, ALL I SEE IN FRONT OF ME IS WORK,

AND I DON'T SEE LIZ,

AND SHE IS THE ONE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO DO THE WORK.

WHERE'S LIZ?

- WHEN THE CLAIMS OWNER COMES BY,

IT'S THE MOST STRESSFUL PART OF MY DAY.

[spits]

- ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

TIME TO PAY UP.

- IT'S NO USE, BOYS. WE'RE FINISHED.

- SEVEN OUNCES.

WE AGREED ON 75 OUNCES.

THIS AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR THAT.

[hocks]

- HOLD ON. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO WEIGH IN.

I REALIZED THAT THE GUYS WEREN'T GONNA MAKE THEIR WEIGHTED GOAL,

SO IT'S TIME FOR LIZ TO SAVE THE DAY YET AGAIN.

WHEN I STUMBLED UPON THIS REALITY SHOW

AFTER A VERY VIGOROUS CASTING PROCESS,

THEY TOLD ME THAT IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT DIGGING FOR GOLD.

BUT I KNEW THAT SUBTLY THEY MEANT

THAT IT WAS DIGGING FOR LOVE,

AND AFTER KNOWING ALL OF YOU FOR SO LONG,

I REALIZED THAT IT'S--ALL OF YOU ARE MY FAMILY

AND I COULD NEVER MAKE LOVE TO ANY OF YOU.

EXCEPT UNLESS YOU WANTED TO,

IN WHICH CASE I WOULD BE DOWN.

- YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, THAT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL,

BUT WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

- HI. MY NAME IS LIZ.

SORRY MY HANDS ARE SO GOLD.

[hawk cries]

OH. MY FINGERS ARE SWOLLEN.

- THE CLAIMS GUY WAS COMING DOWN ON US REAL HARD,

BUT THEN LIZ, SHE PUT THAT GOLD RIGHT THERE ON THE COUNTER--

WE WIN.

- AND NOW I JUST NEED TO DO MY NECKLACE.

- COME ON, LITTLE LADY.

LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST ABOUT MADE IT.

- WHOA. WHOA.

- YOU DID.

- WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

- YEAH, IT IS GREAT NEWS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, LIZ?

YOUR HAIR REALLY FRAMES YOUR FACE PERFECTLY.

- AHH! YOU CAN SEE MY BANGS?

I'M SO EMBARRASSED, 'CAUSE THE WHOLE REASON I CAME

TO HIDE OUT IN A MINING TOWN WAS TO LOOK FOR LOVE,

BUT ALSO TO HIDE MY BANGS.

- NO, THEY'RE FANTASTIC. I WISH I COULD HAVE BANGS.

- YOU REALLY LIKE 'EM?

- MM-HMM. - YEAH.

- YEAH, THEY'RE GOOD.

- YOU GUYS HAVE MADE ME FEEL...

[strained] YOU KNOW, SO GOOD.

- THAT'S FANTASTIC. WELL--

WE REALLY SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK.

- YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

- ALL RIGHT.

- I ENJOYED MY EXPERIENCE HERE,

BUT IT'S TIME TO GO.

YOU'RE ALL AMAZING! - all: THANK YOU.

- I'M REALLY GONNA MISS HER.

- I CAME IN A CRISIS, AND I'M LEAVING

WITH A BANGS.

BYE.

[hawk cries]

- RIGHT NOW I'M PRETTY... PRETTY LOCKED INTO

BEING OBSESSED WITH SURVIVAL-BASED SHOWS.

- OH, YEAH?

- YEAH, DUAL SURVIVAL, NAKED AND AFRAID,

- MM-HMM.

- THE MORE YOU WATCH, THE MORE YOU BELIEVE

YOU COULD DO IT BETTER THAN THEY ARE DOING IT.

- THAT'S FUNNY THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SURVIVAL SHOWS,

'CAUSE YOU'RE IN THIS NEXT SKETCH.

- EW. WHAT?

OOF. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD CHOREOGRAPH.

[both laughing]

[jungle yell]

WHEN THE JUDGE GAVE ME THE CHOICE

OVER GOING TO PRISON FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

OR MINING FOR GOLD, I CHOSE GOLD.

AND WHEN PRODUCERS CAME TO ME AND SAID,

"EITHER GO TO JAIL, OR DO THIS OTHER SHOW,"

I CHOSE THIS OTHER SHOW.

SO NOW WE'RE OUT IN THE WOODS.

SURVIVING BY OUR WITS ALONE.

- [yells]

- THIS... - THIS...

- IS HUNT... - HUNT...

both: OR GATHER.

- GATHER. - HUNT OR GATHER.

OKAY, IT'S ON. - IT'S ON? ARE YOU SURE?

NOW, YOU REALIZE THAT EVERY TIME WE SET THIS UP FOR ONE OF THESE

WALK-AWAYS, WE HAVE TO WALK BACK AND GET THE CAMERA.

- YEAH. I REALIZE THAT. I'M AWARE OF IT.

- OKAY, WELL, DON'T SCREW IT UP THIS TIME.

- I DIDN'T SCREW IT--OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE THE WORST.

- WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

THESE FINGER SHOES HAVEN'T BROKEN IN PROPERLY.

- WELL, THE FINGER SHOES WERE YOUR IDEA.

YOU SAID THEY WERE THE ONLY WAY TO TRAVEL ON THIS EARTH.

- THEY'RE THE BEST WAY TO GATHER. ALL RIGHT?

- YOU MADE ME WIPE WITH THAT POISON MAPLE OAK.

- LOOK, YOU NEEDED TO CLEAN YOURSELF DOWN THERE.

IT'S AFTER 1:00 P.M. COME ON. - YEAH.

- HEY.

- MISS? - EXCUSE ME.

- OH, LOOK AT THE BIRDIE.

- LADIES. - EXCUSE ME.

- HEY, THAT'S NO BIRD.

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE PARANORMAL ACTIVITIES.

- OH, NO. I DON'T LIKE SCARY MOVIES.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- PLEASE MOVE AWAY FROM THAT.

- WE ARE THE GHOSTS. - UH-UH. HEY!

both: OH.

HELLO.

- SO, UH, WE LOST A COUPLE OF GOOD HOURS

BECAUSE WE HAD TO GO BACK AND REDO THE WALK-AWAY SHOT,

LIKE I SAID,

AND BECAUSE WE HAD TO RESCUE THOSE OLD MEN.

- THAT GUY'S TALKING INTO A SWATCH.

- I'M TRYING TO DO MY TESTIMONIAL HERE, SO PLEASE--

I HAD TO GATHER EXTRA SCORPIONS...

WHICH TASTE TERRIBLE.

- LOOK, AS LONG AS YOU'RE CAPTURING THINGS,

WOULD YOU RUN OUT, GET ME CENTRUM SILVER?

- MAN, I WISH DUSTY WOULD HELP ME OUT,

BUT APPARENTLY HE'S SLEEPING THE DAY AWAY AGAIN.

- I'M NOT SLEEPING. SHUT UP!

- WHOA! - GOD DAMN IT!

- GRASS MAN.

- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IF YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING?

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CATCH SOMETHING

IF I'M NOT CAMOUFLAGED?

- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ANYTHING!

- I'M GONNA GET OUT OF THIS TENT

AND I'M GONNA PRANK YOU GUYS WITH TOO MUCH TUNA.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RUINING OUR SHOW.

- OH, GOD DAMN IT. - OH, JESUS!

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- LOOK, YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING THE OUTDOOR DIRT SHOW,

BUT IT'S A PRANK SHOW.

- WE WERE AT CANTER'S DELI ON FAIRFAX

AND OUR WAITER WALKS BY VERY QUICKLY

AND SETS DOWN A HUGE TUNA SANDWICH

AND WE BOTH WENT, "NO, NO, NO, WE DIDN'T ORDER THIS."

[both laughing]

- AND HE GOES, "READ THE NOTE."

AND THE NOTE ON IT SAID, "YOU'VE BEEN PRANKED."

- YEAH. - TOO MUCH TUNA.

- AND, UH, WE GOT TOO MUCH TUNA.

- AND A COUPLE FAT HIPSTERS OVER THERE

THOUGHT THEY WERE REAL SPECIAL.

- BUT THEY NOT ONLY PRANKED US,

BUT WE REACTED. - [laughs] YEAH, WE REACTED.

- WENT, "NO, NO, NO, WE DIDN'T ORDER THIS.

- NO, NO, THIS IS... THIS IS TOO MUCH...

- NO, WHOA, WHAT IS THIS? I THINK--

- THIS IS TOO MUCH TUNA.

HA HA.

GOOD AT BIZNESS.

OW!

[heart monitor beeping]

- AND THIS IS SPARKLING?

- NO, UH,

THERE'S NO BUBBLES EVER PERMITTED IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM.

IT'LL KILL YOU.

- REALLY?

- DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THAT STUFF THAT KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON?

- HIS FAMILY UPBRINGING?

THAT'S SOMETHING WE CANNOT PROVIDE.