Original subtitles

[big band music]

♪ ♪

[music warps, stops]

both: OHHH...

GOOD-BYE.

- NORMALLY WE SAY "OH, HELLO."

BUT TODAY WE'RE SAYING "GOOD-BYE" TO THE CITY

OF NEW YORK. - NEW YORK CITY.

[cheerful music]

- THIS CITY IS NOW RUN

BY CORPORATIONS.

- "STIBUCKS" AND "CHEAPOTLE" COVERS THE LANDSCAPE.

- THE FUHRER, RUDY GIULIANI, MADE THIS A POLICE STATE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SMOKE

IN A HOSPITAL ANYMORE.

- GET STUFFED. THANKS FOR NOTHING.

50 YEARS OF GARBAGE. [spits]

- THE POWER WENT OUT A FEW YEARS AGO AND PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN

STEAL VCRS AND KILL EACH OTHER.

SO, SCREW OFF, NEW YORK.

- AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE FINALLY OUR LANDLORD REALIZED

THAT WE HAD BEEN LIVING IN A DEAD MAN'S APARTMENT

FOR FREE FOR THE LAST 35 YEARS.

both: OHH...

- GOOD-BYE, APARTMENT.

- SO MANY MEMORIES, SO MANY BEAUTIFUL NEIGHBORS

OVER THE YEARS. - YOU REMEMBER, THERE WAS--

THERE WAS--THERE WAS RACHEL AND MONICA.

AND DOWN THERE, THERE WAS... both: CHANDLER AND JOEY.

- ALL OF THEM MICE THAT I NAMED AFTER THE PEOPLE ON FRIENDS.

[grunts] - OHH.

- LOOK AT THAT. - LOOK AT THAT!

- SO WHERE WE GONNA MOVE TO, GEORGE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MOVE"? WE'RE GONNA KILL OURSELVES,

TOGETHER. WE'RE TIRED OF NEW YORK,

SO WE'RE GONNA JUMP INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT

AND KILL OURSELVES. - WHAT?

- YEAH. - I THOUGHT WE WERE MOVING.

- NO, NO, NO, WE'RE NOT MOVING. I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE CLEAR.

- I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I JUST GOT THESE PANTS TAILORED.

- UH, LET'S JUMP ON ONE, IN HONOR OF NEW YORK 1,

THAT GREAT CHANNEL THAT AUTOMATICALLY COMES UP.

OH, BOY. THIS IS GONNA HURT SO MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, AND... both: ONE.

- [screams] - OH, YOU KNOW WHAT.

I LEFT MY CLOCK RADIO ON. [thud]

I'D HATE FOR THE BATTERY TO RUN OUT.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- IF YOU WERE TO KILL YOURSELF, HOW WOULD YOU DO IT?

- PILLS. COME ON.

[both laugh]

- IT'S THE EASIEST QUESTION I'VE EVER BEEN ASKED IN MY LIFE.

- BUT WHAT--HOW WOULD YOU--BUT WHAT--

- GEE, LET'S SEE. UM, I LOVE TAKING PILLS.

- UH-HUH. [both laugh]

SO MAYBE... - YEAH, BUT MAYBE--

- MAYBE DOING WHAT I LOVE?

- SOME ACE THE FIRST SERVE, WHILE OTHERS NEED A SECOND SHOT.

AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.

I PAIR FATALISTIC SINGLES WITH THEIR PERFECT PARTNERS.

AND HOPEFULLY FIND A LITTLE SOMEONE FOR MYSELF

WHILE I'M AT IT.

IT'S GAME, SET, MATCH

ON THE LOSER'S BRACKET.

[chuckles]

TWO DRINK MAXIMUM!

WHY AM I CRYING? WHO'S INTERVIEWING WHO?

HEY, HEY, HEY, BRENTH.

- HEY, GENIE.

- HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT? - YEAH, IT WAS GROSS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. - OKAY, WELL--

WHAT DO WE HAVE? - OKAY.

OUR MVL TODAY IS ARMOND.

HE'S A PET PLASTIC SURGEON.

HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOUR TIMES ALREADY.

AND HE JUST BEAT A MURDER RAP ON A TECHNICALITY,

WHICH IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING FOUND INNOCENT.

- MY NAME IS DR. ARMOND.

I'M CALIFORNIA'S PREMIER ANIMAL PLASTIC SURGEON.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE,

AND I'M LOOKING FOR MY NEXT VICTIM.

THAT JOKE WOULD HAVE KILLED A FEW YEARS AGO,

BUT NOW, IT DOESN'T WORK

AS I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF MURDERING MY OWN WIFE, SHANNON,

WHO WAS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN I'VE EVER SEEN.

- THAT WAS NICE, HUH? ARE YOU WATCHING?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS? - YOU LOOK GREAT.

[brakes screech]

- OH.

- THE DOCTOR...IS IN.

- AM I THE ONLY ONE IMAGINING THIS GUY INSIDE ME?

- I WAS ACCUSED OF MURDER. - OH.

UH-OH. [nervous laughter]

- IT WAS A MISTRIAL. I GOT OFF ON A TECHNICALITY.

BUT I DIDN'T MURDER MY WIFE.

- THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY FUN. ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE?

- I'M READY TO SERVE AN ACE TO LOVE.

- A LITTLE MIME WORK. - BUT IF I HAVE TO RUSH THE NET,

I WILL. [thwack]

[buzzer] ARE YOU LOOKING FOR LOVE?

- I MEAN, I'M NOT NOT. [laughs]

- WELL, MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU AROUND TOWN.

- OH. [laughs]

WHAT IF I GOT ON? THAT WOULD BE FUNNY, RIGHT?

- THAT'D BE HILARIOUS. - IF I GOT ON.

- GENIE GETS IT WET FOR MOST OF OUR CONTESTANTS,

BUT I WOULD SAY THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT

ABOUT THIS MURDERER.

- SO TELL ME ABOUT YOU. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

- WELL, MY NUMBER ONE HOBBY RIGHT NOW

IS MY BEAUTIFUL SON ROMAN.

HE'S IN THE THROES OF HIS RENAISSANCE.

IT'S A REAL PLEASURE TO WATCH.

- OKAY, PEOPLE ARE NOT HOBBIES.

WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS?

- OBVIOUSLY, DOG REJUVENATION SURGERY,

WHERE I MADE MY LIVING. [dog yaps]

I ALSO LOVE FRANCE.

- WOW. - AND THEN WHEN I'M NOT

THINKING ABOUT THOSE THINGS,

I'M THINKING ABOUT THE BRUTAL MURDER OF MY WIFE SHANNON.

- NO, NO, NO. LET'S NOT DO THAT.

AND DEFINITELY DON'T ADD A GESTURE.

IT'S A LOT TO HEAR. [laughs]

- IT WAS A LOT TO SEE.

- YOU WERE THERE?

- I WASN'T THERE.

WELL, I WAS THERE, BUT NOT DURING THE MURDER.

I WAS THERE SOON AFTERWARDS.

- HE'S SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS,

BUT BEFORE I AGREE TO TAKE ON ARMOND,

I HAD TO SERVE UP SOME HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUSH THE NET.

BUT I NEED TO KNOW YOU'RE WILLING TO PLAY THE GAME.

ARE YOU OVER YOUR DEAD WIFE?

- I'LL NEVER BE OVER MY DEAD WIFE.

BUT I AM...

READY TO DATE AGAIN.

- YOU'RE SURE?

- CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE.

STICK A NEEDLE IN MY EYE.

GENIE'S SERVING UP SOME TOUGH QUESTIONS.

BUT I'M KNOCKING THEM RIGHT BACK WITH MY PATENTED BACKHAND.

- I'M GONNA THROW YOU A MIXER WITH ALL THE BEST LADIES,

A TWO-DRINK MAXIMUM, AND NO TALK OF YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

- OUR MUTUAL ATTRACTION?

- [laughs] I WAS GONNA SAY "MURDER."

I THINK I FINALLY FOUND LOVE.

AHH!

WANNA SEE MY BACKHAND? [giggles]

- GENIE'S ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MATCHMAKERS

I'VE EVER SEEN.

- LET ME TRY. [grunts]

- WOW, THERE SHE GOES.

I'M INTOXICATED BY HER,

AND I HOPE TO MAKE HER MY WIFE.

- KI-YAH!

HE'S AMAZING.

SORRY, COULD WE CUT? I--

- HE PLAYS MIKEY ON WHEELS: ONTARIO,

BUT YOU KNOW HIM BETTER AS THE ACTOR AND ENTERTAINER:

THIS IS OUR WEEKLY CHEQUE-IN WITH OUR

IN-HOUSE BRYANTOLOGISTS: THE HOFFMAN TWINS!

- HI, I'M SHELBY HOFFMAN. - I'M CAROL HOFFMAN.

- WE'RE THE HOFFMAN TWINS.

- SO HERE'S WHAT'S NEW THIS WEEK.

- BRYAN THREW A TANTRUM. HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO BED.

AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.

- WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT, MOM? - GO TO BED!

- GO TO BED, MOM? - YES.

- I'M NOT GOING TO BED, MOM!

- WHAT'S MOM'S PROBLEM?

- GOING TO BED IS LAME. BUTT OUT, MUM.

- I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED. [glass shatters]

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED.

- HE JUST WANTED TO--HE JUST WANTED TO HANG WITH HIS HOMIES.

- THANKS, GIRLS.

- AND BE SURE TO CATCH BRYAN IN THE SEASON PREMIERE OF...

both: SHOW US YOUR SONGS COMMONWEALTH.

- IN PRAISE OF THE CROWN.

- PREMIERING RIGHT NOW!

- WELCOME TO SHOW US YOUR SONGS COMMONWEALTH.

- AS YOU KNOW, EVERY FOUR YEARS WE OPEN UP SHOW US YOUR SONGS

TO ALL THE HAPPY CITIZENS OF THE QUEEN'S COMMONWEALTH.

- ALL 53 NATION STATES FROM ANTIGUA TO ZANZIBAR

ARE REPRESENTED,

LEADING UP TO THE GREAT FINALE IN LONDON, ENGLAND.

[horn instruments]

- NOW, AS YOU KNOW, WE START THE AUDITION PROCESS RIGHT HERE

IN, UH, THE MOTHERLAND.

- LET'S SEE WHAT CANADA CAN BRING TO THE COMMONWEALTH.

- HOPEFULLY WE'LL GET TO SEE ALL THEIR SONGS BEFORE YOUR BEDTIME.

[both laugh]

NOW, GOING TO BED ON TIME IS A BIG PART OF CANADIAN LIFE.

- BUT SOMETIMES ONE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO BED,

SO ONE DOESN'T HAVE TO.

- LET'S GET IT STARTED, HERE WE GO.

SHOW US YOUR SONGS!

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME THERE?

- UH, MY NAME'S ANGELA MACKENZIE--

ANGELA MACKENZIE-NG.

- ANGIE, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW US YOUR SONGS?

WHAT DO YOU GOT HERE THEN?

- TODAY I'M GONNA BE SINGING PLEEP PLOOP.

- PLEEP PLOOP. GREAT. - AND A ONE, AND A TWO

AND A ONE, TWO...

♪ PLEEP PLOOP, PLEEP PLEEP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLEEP PLEEP PLOOP, PLEEP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLA-PLEEP PLOOP, PLEEP PLEEP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLEEP PLOOP, PLA-PLEEP PLOOP PLEEP ♪

[music stops]

- ALL RIGHT.

- NOW, YOU'RE CLEARLY TALENTED AND YOU GOT THAT X-FACTOR,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY-- - OKAY.

♪ PLEEP PLOOP, PLEEP PLOOP ♪

- ALL RIGHT. - ♪ PLA-PLEEP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLEEP PLEEP PLOOP, PLEEP PLOOP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLA-PLEEP PLOOP, PLEEP PLEEP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLEEP PLOOP, PLA-PLEEP PLOOP PLEEP ♪

[music stops] - IS IT OVER?

HA HA HA!

IS IT OVER? 'CAUSE I LOVED IT.

- ♪ PLA-PLEEP PLOOP ♪

- OH! - WHOA.

♪ PLEEP PLOOP, PLA-PLEEP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLEEP PLEEP PLOOP, PLEEP PLOOP ♪

♪ PLA-PLEEP PLOOP PLOOP ♪

[music stops] ♪ BABY IS A PLOOP PLOOP ♪

- YOU'RE GOING TO LONDON.

OKAY? YOU'RE GOING TO LONDON!

[musical fanfare]

- OKAY, SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - GORDON.

- OH, HEY, GORDON. - HI.

- ALL RIGHT, GORDO. - HELLO, GORDON!

- ALL RIGHT, I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB THERE, PAL.

- THANK YOU.

- WHAT SORT OF FELLA ARE YOU?

ARE YOU A MARRIED FELLA, OR...

- WELL, I WAS MARRIED, BUT MY WIFE PASSED AWAY 12 YEARS AGO

DURING CHILDBIRTH. MY DAUGHTER WAS STILLBORN.

- OH. - YEAH, WHICH IS GREAT.

SHE'S 11 YEARS OLD NOW.

YOU KNOW, DESPITE THE DIFFICULT PREGNANCY,

SHE WAS STILL BORN, THANK THE LORD.

- WELL, WE'RE GLAD YOUR DEAD DAUGHTER'S STILL ALIVE THERE.

- THANK YOU. - LET'S SEE YOUR SONG, SIR.

- OH, MY SONG IS MY WOOD. - UH!

WHEN YOU FEAR THE WORST, SAFETY FIRST.

OKAY. - THANK YOU, GENE.

- WELL, LET'S, UH-- - I DON'T NEED TO GO TO BED,

AND I DON'T NEED TO WEAR GOGGLES.

- WELL, THEN YOU MAY HAVE A PARTICULATE IN YOUR EYE

AFTER THIS BIG WOOD CHOP. LET'S SEE THAT, GORDO.

- [grunts]

- ♪ YOU DID IT ♪

- WHAT A FANDANGO HERE! - THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. - I JUST WANNA SAY, LIKE,

EVERYONE THINKS OF CANADA AS A BUNCH OF DEAD LUMBERJACKS.

WE MAY WANT SOME ACTS THAT FEEL JUST LIKE MORE MODERN

AND NOT LIKE A BIG OAF... - THANK YOU.

- WHO DRINKS MAPLE SYRUP AND CHOPS WOOD FOR A LIVING.

- OH, YEAH? WELL, I, UH, I HAVE A FEELING

THE YAK THAT THEY SLAUGHTERED TO MAKE YOUR VEST.

IS STILL SCREAMING IN HELL, OKAY?

WE'RE TAKING YOU TO LONDON, AND THAT'S THAT!

WE'RE SENDING EVERYONE TO LONDON.

- THANK YOU. - THIS IS

SHOW US YOUR SONGS COMMONWEALTH.

- I'VE AUDITIONED FOR...

120 THINGS, PROBABLY. - MM-HMM.

- I'VE BEEN A REGULAR ON TWO THINGS--

A SHOW THAT I CREATED CALLED MULANEY, AND YOUR SHOW.

AND THAT'S IT. [both laughing]

I HAD TO DO A STARBURST COMMERCIAL

WHERE, LIKE, IT WAS LIKE A SHIRTLESS GUY

CARRYING A DOG. [both chuckle]

SO THEY'RE LIKE, "TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF."

THIS IS ALREADY THE WORST. AND THEN THEY--

THEY DIDN'T HAVE A DOG,

SO THEY HANDED ME LIKE A BOX OF TISSUES.

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG,

"HOW COME I HAVE TO TAKE MY SHIRT OFF?

ALSO, I'M NOT GONNA GET IT."

- WELL, WE KNOW WHAT A DOG LOOKS LIKE.

BUT WE CAN ONLY ASSUME WHAT YOUR MACARONI BODY

AS IT APPEARS TO BE. - WE DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOUR MR. BURNS BODY WILL LOOK LIKE.

[end chords]

- OH! - OH...

- HELLO! - [chuckling] HELLO.

- [sighs] WHAT'S GOING ON?

- I BROKE BOTH MY LEGS 'CAUSE GEORGE ST. GEEGLAND

WANTED TO LEAVE NEW YORK.

- YEAH.

- UH, THAT DOESN'T REALLY-- YOU BROKE--

- HE BROKE BOTH HIS LEGS 'CAUSE GEORGE ST. GEEGLAND,

WHO WAS ME, WANTED TO LEAVE NEW YORK.

- I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU GUYS TO USE A DIFFERENT DOCTOR.

- YOU'RE LIKE A DORE-TER TO US.

- A DAUGHTER THAT WE PRANKED WITH TOO MUCH TUNA,

WHICH WILL BE COMING SHORTLY.

- YOU'VE BEEN PRANKING ME SINCE I WAS AN INTERN,

AND IT GETS LESS FUNNY EVERY TIME YOU DO IT.

THE FIRST TIME'S THE BEST.

SECOND TIME, THIRD TIME, FOURTH--

IT STARTS TO LOSE ITS APPEAL.

- WE DID PRANK HER BUT GOOD. AND THEN I KEYED YOUR CAR.

AND YOUR CHEAP CAR LOOKED LIKE [bleep] AFTER I KEYED IT.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAD TO DO THAT.

- ARE YOU UNMARRIED?

- I-I AM UNMARRIED, YES.

- INTERESTING. I HAVE A SON.

MAYBE HE COULD SET UP A CAMCORDER

AND YOU AND I GO AT IT LIKE WOLFS.

- CAN YOU NOT USE THE LATEX GLOVES, ACTUALLY?

- THIS IS INCLUDED IN MY HEALTH COVERAGE.

I HAVE A OSAMACARE.

- YOU MEAN OBAMACARE? - NO.

WE'RE ON A COBRA PLAN FROM...

- FROM AL-QAEDA. - YEAH.

WELL, I FORGET NOW THE DETAILS,

BUT WE DID GIVE THEM A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY.

- YOU REALLY DONATED MONEY TO AL-QAEDA?

- YEAH, WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE GONNA GET INTO.

- ALL THEY WERE DOING BACK THEN WAS...

WELL... - ACTUALLY,

YOU'RE TOTALLY UNCOVERED, AND THAT'S FINE.

WE DON'T TURN ANYBODY AWAY.

- WE'RE ABOUT TO PRANK HER WITH TOO MUCH TUNA.

- SHE IS REALLY ABOUT TO GET IT.

- YOU COULD JUST LEAVE.

YOU COULD GO CROSS-COUNTRY AND PRANK OTHER PEOPLE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN-- LEAVE THE CITY?

- YEAH. - LIKE WE HAD PLANNED

BEFORE GEORGE ST. GEEGLAND

TRIED TO THROW ME OFF OF AN ELEVATOR SHAFT?

- MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE OUR PRANKS AND OUR LIVES

ON THE ROAD. - I'VE BEEN THINKING

ABOUT LEAVING NEW YORK MYSELF.

NEW YORK IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE.

MARS BAR CLOSED. THERE'S NO MORE CBGB'S.

[flatline tone] - [muttering]

OH! OH, THIS PATIENT IS DYING!

[both laughing]

OR IS HE VERY MUCH ALIVE?

[musical fanfare]

- GREAT. IT'S A... [both chortling]

CAKE MADE OUT OF TUNA THAT SAYS

"GET BENT." - TRANSLATION--

GET STUFFED.

- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WRITE GET STUFFED ON IT?

- 'CAUSE WE COULDN'T FIT IT ON THE CAKE.

- NOW, WHY DON'T YOU DROP YOUR SKIRT AND TOUCH THE FLOOR?

[upbeat music]

- SOME OF THEM LOOK PROMISING.

IT'S NOT THE WORST WE'VE DONE.

WOW! THERE ARE A LOT OF LOSERS HERE TODAY,

BUT ONLY ONE CAN WIN AT THE LOSER'S BRACKET.

INTRODUCING THE MAN OF YOUR CURRENT REALITY,

DR. ARMOND!

SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS A PREMIER PLASTIC SURGEON.

- FOR DOGS. - OTHERS...

AN ACCUSED MURDERER. - OF WOMEN.

[laughter] - CALM DOWN, LADIES.

HEY, HEY, TWO DRINK MAXIMUM.

- I FELT LIKE I WAS BEATING THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OFF

LIKE FLIES.

WOW. [smack] AMAZING. [smack]

SIMPLY GORGEOUS. [smack]

I THINK I'VE BEEN SURROUNDED.

- IS THE SPECIAL SURPRISE READY?

I'M BRINGING IN THE FORENSIC DUMMY

USED IN ARMOND'S MURDER TRIAL.

BECAUSE I NEED TO TEST HIM. - YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.

- HE'S GONNA BE PRETTY SURPRISED

WITH WHAT I'VE GOT UP MY SLEEVES.

- YEAH, 'CAUSE IT'S A REALLY WEIRD IDEA.

- BUT THE ONLY THING I'M GUILTY OF

IS BEING INTRIGUED BY Y'ALL.

[laughter]

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - I DON'T KNOW.

[phone playing tune] - OH, YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S MY DEAD WIFE'S SONG. THAT'S MY RING TONE.

I'M HOPING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME CHANGE IT.

- DON'T BRING UP THE TRIAL. DON'T BRING UP THE TRIAL.

- OH...IT'S MY GOOD FRIEND KELSEY...

- [gasps]

- GRAMMER.

- [gasps]

KELSEY GRAMMER? SAY WHAT?

- YOU'RE IMPRESSED WITH JUST KELSEY?

- WHILE MOST PEOPLE KNOW KELSEY AS A GREAT ACTOR...

I KNOW HIM AS MY BEST FRIEND.

KELSEY, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

I'M SURROUNDED BY TEN BEAUTIFUL WOMEN RIGHT NOW.

BUT I'M LOOKING AROUND THIS ROOM AND THINKING I'M OVER HER.

[women murmuring]

SO I'VE--

[glass shatters]

THERE SHE IS.

IT'S THE FORENSIC DUMMY OF MY DEAD WIFE SHANNON.

THIS BRINGS BACK A LOT OF MEMORIES.

- I HAVE TO HAVE A FRANK TALK WITH ARMOND.

DR. ARMOND, EXCUSE ME.

COME WITH ME. - PARDONNEZ-MOI, LADIES. FRENCH.

- YOUR HEAD IS NOT IN THIS GAME.

- YOU HAVE SUCH A KEEN SENSE OF ME, GENIE.

- I KNOW I DO. IT'S MY JOB.

- LET'S THROW CAUTION TO THE WALL...

AND LOG ONE UP...

[slide whistle]

[silence]

[thwack] FOR LOVE.

- LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE IN A LOT OF PAIN.

- I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT HAS BEEN A BLUE PERIOD,

LIKE PICASSO.

I LOVE FRANCE. I KNOW HE'S FROM SPAIN,

BUT THERE WAS A LOT OF CROSS-POLLINATION.

[bzzzzzz]

- OKAY, YOU HAVE A VERY IMPRESSIVE BRAIN.

- AND IT'S FILLED TO THE BRIM. - BUT I NEED YOU

TO GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. - OKAY.

- AND FEEL! - SURE.

- CLOSE YOUR EYES. - HERE WE GO.

- THINK BACK TO THE MOMENT

YOU FOUND YOUR WIFE'S LIFELESS BODY.

[eerie music]

- SACRE BLEU! - WHAT IS IT?

- I KNOW WHO MURDERED MY WIFE.

[suspenseful music]

- WAS IT YOU?

- NO.

[plink, plink]

[dramatic chords]

- DR. ARMOND SAYS WHOLE PARAGRAPHS

WHERE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY MEAN

UNTIL THE LAST WORD.

AND THEN THEY FINALLY JUST LAND ON THE GROUND.

AND EVERYONE'S RELIEVED BECAUSE HE GOT IT OUT.

WOULDN'T YOU SAY? - HE'S BECOME ENTIRELY

JUST A, LIKE, JOKE TELLER.

- WELL, NOT ENTIRELY A JOKE TELLER,

BECAUSE HE'S ALSO A PANTOMIME ARTIST...

AND AT THIS POINT, PANTOMIMES

EVERY LINE OF DIALOGUE, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL.

[upbeat music] - ALL RIGHT, CANADA,

TUCK THOSE LITTLE ONES IN BED,

AND LET US SERENADE YOU

WITH SHOW US YOUR SONGS!

[upbeat music ends]

- [grunting]

UUHHHH...

- [softly] WHOO!

- UHH! UHHHHH! UUUUHHH! - WHOA!

- UHH! - BULL!

THAT'S A STRONG MAN!

- IT'S A HEAVY COW. - WELL...

YOU'RE SCARING THE CRAP OUTTA ME,

BUT I WANNA SEND YOU TO LONDON

JUST 'CAUSE I LIKE IT! [cheerful music]

- UHHH!

- OH! - WOW!

- YOU KNOW WHAT, UH, CAN YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE HAND HERE?

I'M HAVING TROUBLE, UH, BUSTING THESE OPEN.

- UH-HUH. I'M STRONG.

- YEAH, JUST COME ON OVER HERE.

- HE'S SO STRONG! - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

COME ON. JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER,

AND THEN WE'LL BE AT THE CASHEWS.

OHH...I NEED SOME PROTEIN DURING THE DAY

OR ELSE I, UH, JUST GET SO--I DON'T KNOW--

OUT OF IT! - P-PEANUTS?

- YEAH, YEAH.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GET THOSE OPEN,

AND I'LL LET YOU HAVE ONE.

[paper crinkling] - EH...

AH...

- OH!

- ♪ YOU DID IT ♪ - WHOA!

[laughing] - FOUR STARS!

- ♪ YOU MADE THE STARS SO BRIGHT FOR ME ♪

- AND NOW, THE WORLD PREMIERE OF BRYAN'S NEW MUSIC VIDEO

IN...

- WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT, MOM? - GO TO BED!

- I'M GOING TO BED, MOM! - YES, GO TO BED!

- I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED! I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED!

[musical buildup]

- P-P-PAINFUL MUSIC.

- LACROIX!

LACROIX, LACROIX, MY BOY!

- ♪ HEY, MOM, I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL, WELL ♪

♪ BUT I'M HANGING WITH MY BOYS TONIGHT ♪

- LOONEY BIN! - ♪ WE SIPPIN' SODA POP ♪

♪ AND MOOSEINEX, INEX ♪

♪ STAYIN' UP TILL THE MORNING LIGHT ♪

SLAP SHOT! ♪ OTTAWANNA GO TO BED ♪

♪ MOM, MOM ♪

♪ WE'RE TRYING TO TEXT SOME GIRLS ♪

♪ WE LIKE, WE LIKE ♪ [text chime]

♪ SO GET THE HECK OUT OF MY ROOM, MOM ♪

- GET OUT! ♪ MOM, ME AND THE LOONEY BIN ♪

♪ ARE HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH ♪

♪ OTTAWA OTTAWA ♪

♪ OTTAWANNA GO TO BED ♪

♪ OTTAWA OTTAWA ♪

♪ OTTAWANNA GO TO BED ♪

♪ OTTAWA OTTAWA ♪

♪ OTTAWANNA GO TO BED ♪

♪ OTTAWA OTTAWA ♪

♪ I TORONTO GO TO BED ♪

♪ MES AMIS, MES AMIS ♪

♪ OTTAWANNA GO TO BED ♪

♪ MANITOBA, MANITOBA ♪

♪ GO, MISS MANITOBA ♪

♪ MANITOBA, MANITOBA ♪

- BRYAN'S NEW SONG DROPPED!

IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE!

A REAL DEPARTURE!

I WISH I WAS IN THE LOONEY BIN!

- ALL RIGHT! ALL THE WAY FROM, UH, EUROPE,

WE GOT THIS NEXT GUY. SHOW US YOUR SONG.

- I HAVE MANY SONGS.

FOR EXAMPLE, I CAN DRINK A TINY COFFEE

EVERY ONE HALF HOUR, TWO HALF HOUR.

- WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO THERE? - ONE OF MY SONGS

IS TO WEAR A SHORT PANT.

ANOTHER ONE OF MY SONG IS TO HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT.

[ominous music] - THAT'S THE COOLEST PLACE

TO HIDE. - HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

- I FEEL LIKE YOU KNOW SOMETHING

THAT I DON'T KNOW. - A SHOUT-OUT TO DR. ARMOND.

YOU WILL NEVER CATCH ME,

AND ALSO, UM,

THE SATAN POWER THAT LIVES INSIDE OF ME--

I AM THE DEVIL. I AM THE KILLER.

- SACRE BLEU. - WHAT IS IT?

- I KNOW WHO MURDERED MY WIFE.

[rock music]

[siren whoops]

- SO YOU GOT A LEAD ON A KILLER?

I'M DETECTIVE SMART.

- YEAH. I THINK IT WAS SHANNON'S VOCAL COACH.

- ♪ OH, ARMOND ♪

♪ YOU'RE...♪

- SHE HAD A VOCAL COACH?

- DETECTIVE SMART, I SAW HIM THAT DAY.

I MUST HAVE SUPPRESSED THE MEMORY

AFTER THE SHOCK OF SEEING SHANNON'S BODY.

OH...SLEEPING BEAUTY.

LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TO BE AWOKEN

BY A KISS FROM PRINCE CHARMING.

[thunder rumbles]

- FREEZE!

- OH, MY. SHE HAS NO PULSE.

- KEEP AWAY FROM THE GIRL. - DON'T TAKE ME AWAY.

THAT'S MY WIFE! [dramatic music]

- OH, ARMOND, YOU ARE ONE HALF HOUR TOO LATE.

[chortling]

- SO WHAT'S THIS GUY'S NAME? - I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.

THAT'S THE FUNNY THING.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- HE WAS LIVING IN THE U.S. ON AN EXPIRED GREEN CARD.

IT WAS UNCLEAR WHERE IN EUROPE HE'S FROM,

BUT I KNOW THAT HE WAS DEFINITELY A EUROPEAN.

LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO FRANCE AFTER ALL.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE GOTTA TAKE THIS DOWN TO THE STATION.

- OH, COME ON. I'LL POP FOR PLANE TICKETS...

PARTNER. - SORRY, DOC.

THIS IS OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS NOW.

- BUT WHAT WILL THE POLICE DO IF THE KILLER'S IN EUROPE?

- BYE-BYE, ARMOND.

- IT'LL BE OUTSIDE OF THEIR JURISDICTION, WON'T IT?

- I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST A COP.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT JUST A COP, DETECTIVE SMART.

YOU'RE MY BEST MALE FRIEND BESIDES KELSEY GRAMMER.

- AH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

- THAT WAS A LITTLE PRICK TO SEDATE YOU.

THIS ONE... WILL MAKE YOU

LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR MUSCLES FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

THIS IS A B12 SHOT. - OHH!

- THIS... - NO, NO, NO.

STOP IT!

- LET IT GO. LET IT HAPPEN.

- YOU SICKO FREAK!

- THIS ONE WILL KNOCK YOU OUT FOR ENOUGH TIME

SO THAT I CAN SAY GOOD-BYE TO MY BEAUTIFUL SON ROMAN.

AND WHEN YOU AWAKE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE VERY LITTLE BLOOD SUGAR,

SO I'VE GIVEN YOU THIS ORANGE.

[squish]

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL LAWMAN...

AND A TERRIFIC FRIEND,

AND NOW, DETECTIVE SMART, I'M OFF TO CATCH THE KILLER.

UNLESS HE CATCHES ME FIRST BECAUSE, LET'S BE HONEST...

I'M QUITE A CATCH.

[siren whooping] [rock music]

- ♪ TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH ♪

♪ TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH LOVE ♪

- HA HA. GOOD AT BIZNESS.

- OW!

- I WENT THROUGH SCENE AFTER SCENE AFTER SCENE,

AND I DIDN'T SEE MY NAME.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLY CRUEL OF YOU, AND I--

- GOD DAMN IT, YOU WANT BREAKING BAD IN KROLL SHOW.

GOD DAMN IT! - WITH THE SAME AMOUNT OF LINES.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE GENIUS! THE GENIUS OF MY CAREER!