Original subtitles

[dubstep music]

- GIGOLO HOUSE MEETING RIGHT NOW!

- CIRCLE UP, GIGOLOS!

SO GIGOLO HOUSE IS VERY MUCH A VERITABLE MESS RIGHT NOW.

AND EAGLE WING, AS THE HEAD OF GIGOLO HOUSE,

NEEDS TO VERY MUCH TAKE CONTROL.

- OKAY, WE ARE UNDER THREAT.

IT IS GIGOLOS VERSUS SOME APP CALLED "LUBER."

IT MAKES IT SO THAT ANYBODY CAN BE A GIGOLO.

- ANYBODY.

- SO ANYONE WITH A DICK BETWEEN HIS LEGS

CAN COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND JACKHAMMER [bleep] YOU

UNTIL COMPLETION.

- [electronic voice] GIGOLO SELECTED.

[doorbell]

- WELCOME THE COMPETITION.

- HEY, FELLAS, I'M THE GIGOLO.

- STEVE? - TIM?

- HEY, I GO BY BOTH.

- GET THE [bleep] IN HERE, ASSHOLE.

- I'M SORRY.

- THIS PIECE OF [bleep] IS TRYING TO PUT US

OUT OF BUSINESS. - THIS IS THE LITTLE MOUSE

TIC TAC WHO'S SLITHERING IN, AND EATING ALL OUR CHEESE.

- WAIT A MINUTE, "OUR MOUSE TIC TAC"?

WHAT IS THAT? - IT'S A BREATH FRESHENER

THAT'S MADE OF MICE.

- BOBBY, WE TALKED ABOUT YOUR BURNS.

THEY'RE TERRIBLE. CT, PLEASE WORK WITH HIM.

- NOT A PROBLEM. - NO, BUZZSAW, YOU'RE NOT CT.

THIS PASTY PIECE OF GARBAGE IN BOAT SHOES

IS WHY WE'VE GOT LESS MONEY COMING INTO THE HOUSE,

WHICH IS WHY WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

LET SOME PEOPLE GO. - WE GOT TO STICK TOGETHER.

both: WHAT?

- BRO. - ARE YOU JOKING?

- EXCUSE ME? - HOW COULD YOU

GET RID OF YOUR BROTHERS?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR BROTHERHOOD?

- THE WAY I SEE IT, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO DECIDE

WHO STAYS AND WHO GOES. [voice echoing]

- I'M HAPPY TO LEAVE ANYTIME.

- NO, SHUT UP. YOU STAY.

EVERYBODY PLAYS FOR SURVIVAL,

A GIGOLO HOUSE ELIMINATION.

- YO, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, BUT LET'S GO.

[hard rock music]

♪ ♪

- WELCOME TO GIGOLO HORSE.

I'M MARC XYZ,

AND TODAY OUR GIGOLO WILL BE COMPETING IN A GAME OF HORSE

TO SEE WHO WILL STAY AND WHO WILL GO.

- WE'RE NOT WHORES, BRO. WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.

- NO, NOT "WHORES." HORSE.

- ALL RIGHT. - H-O--ALL RIGHT, WHAT?

- WHERE IS IT? - WHERE IS WHAT?

- THE HORSE? BRING OUT THE HORSE.

I'LL [bleep] THE HORSE.

- ANYONE EVER PLAYED BASKETBALL?

- I PLAYED A LITTLE BIT.

JUST LIKE IN THE DRIVEWAY, NOT LIKE--

- SURE. - IT WASN'T, LIKE,

AN ORGANIZED LEAGUE OR ANY--

I SHOULD NOT-- I OVERSTATED IT.

I'VE NOT PLAYED BASKETBALL.

- STRAIGHT UP, I HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH GIGOLO HORSE.

- UNLESS IT'S A HORSE THAT'S A GIGOLO,

AND THAT'S SCARY, DUDE,

'CAUSE THAT HORSE IS GONNA HURT YOUR BODY,

LIKE, IF YOU'RE A PERSON.

- IF IT'S COMPETITIVE,

THEN CT'S ON MY TEAM, 'CAUSE THIS KID'S A MONSTER.

- EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M A MONSTER.

IT'S JUST WHAT IT IS.

- THANKS.

- NO, BUZZSAW. YOU'RE NOT CT.

- ANYWAY, I'M HERE TO BE YOUR HOST,

AND I'M ALSO YOUR JUDGE, BUT I'M NOT JUDGING ALONE.

- WHAT?

- TO HELP US JUDGE TODAY'S EVENT,

WE BROUGHT FRIEND OF THE SHOW...

FORMER FEMALE GIGOLO, FARLEY.

[Draztic Music's Back It Up]

- ♪ I LOOK AT HER SHE LOOK AT ME ♪

♪ TELL YOU, BABY, WHAT YOU SEE ♪

- FARLEY? JUDGING ME?

ARE YOU JOKING ME, BRO?

- NO.

GENTLEMEN, I WILL BE FAIR AND IMBALANCED,

SOMETHING YOU COULD NEVER DO, BOBBY,

WITH ALL YOUR DUMB EMOTIONS.

- WHAT AN INTERESTING TURN OF EVENTS

ON THIS EPISODE OF "GIGOLO HORSE."

- LET'S [bleep] THIS HORSE!

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- HOW DO YOU THINK BOBBY AND FARLEY DO

WITH THEIR DISAGREEMENTS?

- IN A WAY, THEY HAVE A KIND OF A THROWBACK,

YOU KNOW, "UNTHERAPIZED" WAY OF DEALING WITH CONFLICTS.

LIKE, JUST SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. LIKE, I FEEL LIKE,

NOWADAYS, EVERYONE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SAY THIS,

IT MAKES ME FEEL BLAH BLAH BLAH,"

AND IT'S LIKE IT JUST FEELS GOOD TO BE LIKE,

"YOU'RE A DUMMY." - [laughs]

- MY NAME IS FRANCESCA, BUT EVERYONE CALLS ME "TUNES."

- MY NAME'S MIKEY.

TUNES, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

HAVE YOU BEEN GIVING HER DRUGS? - TAKE A HIT.

[slow motion scream]

[hard rock music]

- ♪ IT'S A COMPLEX STORY ♪

- WHO DID THIS TO YOU? WHO DID THIS TO MY BOY?

- IT WAS TUNES. - TUNES?

[country rock ballad]

- ♪ WHAT ROADS DO WE TAKE? ♪

- [slow motion] PEACE OUT.

[school bell rings]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- MIKEY, YOU'RE BACK.

- HEY, TUNES. - IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

- LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO LEARN TO WALK AGAIN

AFTER YOU GUNSHOT ME.

- AND LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO SERVE A PRISON SENTENCE

FOR NARCOTICS AND ARMED VIOLENCE.

- HA HA HA HA.

- PLUS, YOU'RE TRANS NOW. WHAT A DREAM COME TRUE.

- WHAT? OH, I'M NOT TRANS.

I'M FILLED WITH ALL THESE NEW EMOTIONS,

AND I'M EXPRESSING THEM THROUGH MY NEW LOOK.

GETTING GUNSHOT CAN REALLY CHANGE A PERSON,

BOTH INSIDE AND OUT.

LATER, TUNES.

[Illustrated's Mental Drug]

- ♪ THESE DEMONS FOUND ME OUT ♪

- MIKEY, YOU FORGOT YOUR ZIP-UP POCKET SACK.

[theme music]

♪ ♪

- AND OF COURSE, OUR FLAG WAS DESIGNED BY MR. GEORGE STANLEY.

IT'S MEANT TO SAY, "LOOK AT THESE MAPLE TREES."

HEY THERE, MIKEY. YOU'RE LATER

THAN A PREGNANT STUDENT'S MENSTRUAL SLOUGH.

[chuckles] - SORRY.

- HEY, CANE. GREAT STANDING STICK, EH?

- YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LIKES THIS CANE, ZACHARY?

- WHO'S THAT? - YOUR MOM.

[rock music]

NO PARDON.

- [laughs]

AN EXCELLENT RETORT FROM MIKEY

TO OUR CLASSROOM'S FINEST BULLY, ZACHARY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO BACK TO SCIENCES.

- YOU LEFT THESE IN THE HALL. - FAR OUT.

[Illustrated's Mental Drug]

- ♪ 'CAUSE I NEED HELP I NEED SOMEONE ♪

♪ TO HELP ME KICK THIS MENTAL DRUG ♪

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]

[gasps]

HI THERE, TUNES.

- COACH TEACHER, DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT?

- YOU BET I DO. CARE FOR A HONK OF THIS J-BIRD?

- I RESPECTFULLY DECLINE.

THANK YOU, COACH TEACHER. - RIGHT.

- I THINK MIKEY'S A DRUGS ADDICT.

- HE WAS VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ZACHARY THIS MORNING

IN SCIENCES, BUT I JUST FIGURED THAT HAD

SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S NOW TRANS.

- NO, MIKEY'S NOT TRANS.

THAT'S JUST HIS NEW CHOICE OF FASHION.

- I THINK WE BOTH KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO HERE.

- MIKEY HAS BEEN THROUGH TOO DARN MUCH.

PARDON MY LANGUAGE.

HE'S SO YOUNG. WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

- THIS IS A CIRCLE OF LOVE. THIS IS ABOUT, MIKEY.

WANT HIM TO GET OFF THE DRUGS THAT HE'S ADDICTED TO.

[hard rock music]

- COACH TEACHER, YOU SUMMONED ME?

- I SURE DID, MIKEY.

- TUNES? MOM?

ZACHARY? INUIT ANDY?

MARIE THE JANITOR?

WAIT A MOMENT, IS THIS A SUGGESTION?

- WERE YOU EVER BULLIED? - OH.

I'M NOT SURE.

[both laughing] YES, OF COURSE I WAS BULLIED.

MY BULLY--OH, MY GOD.

MY BULLY GROWING UP HAD A STUTTER.

YEAH. - WAS HE BULLYING YOU

BECAUSE OF THE STUTTER? - [sighs]

HE WAS BULLYING ME BECAUSE I WAS FAT AND GAY,

I THINK, AND THAT TRUMPS STUTTER.

- HE WASN'T HIGH ON THE BULLYING SCALE.

HE WAS LIKE, "WHO CAN I"-- - NO, HE WASN'T, LIKE,

EVERYONE'S BULLY. HE WAS, LIKE, MY BULLY.

both: YEAH. [both laughing]

- HE WAS LIKE, "THERE HE IS."

- DID YOU EVER HAVE A COMEUPPANCE WITH HIM?

DID YOU EVER HAVE A MOMENT? - WELL, HE ACTUALLY IS DEAD NOW.

[both laughing]

- SO-- [both laughing]

[police siren blaring]

[police radio chatter]

[early rock and roll music]

♪ SHE MUST BE AN ANGEL 'CAUSE I AM IN HEAVEN ♪

[gunshot]

- [scoffs]

- DETECTIVE LOGAN?

- WELL, THAT'S GOOD DETECTIVE WORK, SWEETHEART.

YOU SHOULD TRY TO JOIN THE FORCE.

[laughs] - YEAH,

I ALREADY DID THAT FIVE YEARS AGO.

- OH, TRY AND TRY AGAIN.

- GOOD, YOU'RE ACQUAINTED. I GOT A CASE FOR YOU.

- CHIEF, THIS IS THE 40th DEAD GIRL

IN AS MANY WEEKS AS--

WAIT, WHERE'S LOGAN?

- LET'S GO, SLOWPOKE, OR DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT DEAD GIRLS.

[scoffs]

- WELCOME TO THE GLENDON TRAIL P.D.

- I DON'T EXACTLY WORK WELL WITH OTHERS.

- ♪ HEAVEN NOW ♪

♪ ♪

[police radio chatter]

- DETECTIVE LOGAN, GLENDON TRAIL HOMICIDE.

- WELL, THANK GOD. I WAS AFRAID THIS WAS

IN THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT JURISDICTION.

- WELL, IT'S NOT MY JURISDICTION.

JUST BECAUSE A BODY'S ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

DOESN'T MAKE IT THE STATE TROOPERS' PROBLEM.

- [scoffs] ENOUGH, UNLESS ONE OF YOU GUYS

WANT TO TELL THIS DEAD GIRL'S PARENTS

WHY WE COULDN'T FIND HER KILLER, 'CAUSE IT WASN'T

IN ANY OF OUR... [chuckles]

"JURISDICTIONS." [scoffs]

POOR KID. - WHAT DO YOU SEE?

- I SEE A DEAD GIRL IN THE TRASH.

[chuckles]

ALSO, I SEE GLITTER ON HER NECK.

- YOU THINK SHE'S A STRIPPER? - [chuckles]

- SHE'S A DEAD GIRL, ISN'T SHE?

- SANITATION DEPARTMENT.

CAN WE SAY SHE WASN'T FOUND IN A PILE OF TRASH?

- [scoffs] FINE,

IF YOU WANT TO TELL HER PARENTS THAT.

- OH, I'M BAD WITH PARENTS.

- HOPE YOU'RE BETTER WITH TRASH.

LET'S GO.

[theme music]

[dubstep music]

- YOUR FIRST CHALLENGE IS SEXY FRUIT EATING,

SO YOU BETTER BRING YOUR "A" GAME,

OR YOU'RE GONNA GET AN "H." BEGIN.

- OKAY. - OOH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- STOP, NO. [air horn blows]

- WHY DO YOUR EYES LOOK SO PANICKED?

[air horn blows] - UGH!

SLASH MMM.

DID YOU WINK? - WOULD YOU GIVE CT AN "H"?

- ABSOLUTELY. [air horn blows]

- OH, FARLEY.

- UGH! YOU'RE ACTING UP, BOBBY.

- FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT, FARLEY?

- OH, WOW, YOU ATE A APPLE.

[air horn blows] - NOW, BOBBY, WHEN WE FIRST

STARTED THIS GAME, YOU SEEMED TO BE

A LITTLE UPSET BY THE PRESENCE OF FARLEY.

- NO, SHE'S INVISIBLE TO ME. IT'S LIKE, YOU'RE TALKING,

AND THEN THERE'S JUST, LIKE, A BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT LEOPARD.

- CT, I WANT TO COMPLIMENT YOU ON YOUR INTENSITY.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - I'M SORRY,

WHY ARE YOU RESPONDING WHEN I'M TALKING TO CT?

- YOU WERE NOT LOOKING AT ME?

- WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR NAME IS?

- BUZZSAW.

- OKAY.

FOR OUR NEXT CHALLENGE, YOU WILL BE JUDGED ON HOW WELL

YOU CAN LIE TO SOMEONE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.

- UGH. - FOR THIS CHALLENGE,

WE'VE FLOWN IN A FEW SPECIAL GUESTS--

YOUR AUNTS. all: OHH!

[all yelling]

- I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD A GAME LESS THAN I HAVE GIGOLO HORSE.

- GIGOLO, APPROACH YOUR AUNTS AND BEGIN YOUR LIE.

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, AUNT JOANNE?

GO [bleep] YOURSELF, OKAY?

YOU DIDN'T SUPPORT MY MOTHER'S TANNING BED BUSINESS

WHEN SHE NEEDED YOU MOST. [air horn blows]

- CT IS REALLY USING THIS OPPORTUNITY TO DISCUSS

HIS ROLE ON THE REAL WORLD/ ROAD RULES CHALLENGE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CT, FARLEY?

- [laughs] IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID "RUH-ROHS."

[laughs] - ROAD RULES.

- HE'S A MONSTER.

- SO I'M A GIGOLO,

BUT THE LIE IS I'M A FIREFIGHTER, SO--

[air horn blows] - MANY OF THEM DON'T SEEM

TO EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF THE GAME.

- WHO DOES, THOUGH?

[air horn blows]

- THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF BEING A GIGOLO

IS MAKING THE PERSON THAT YOU'RE WITH FEEL GREAT,

SO NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO COMPLIMENT FARLEY.

- YOU LOOK LIKE IF PEG BUNDY WAS YOUNG.

- [growling effects] - I LIKE YOUR HEIGHT.

- YOU'RE DISMISSED. - I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE

YOU'RE WEARING A LEOPARD'S PRINT.

- [giggles]

WHEN I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT A GUY, I SWING LIKE THIS.

- OH, I LIKE THAT.

- I SWEAR TO GOD, I WOULD ANNIHILATE EVERYBODY

IN THE WORLD! - STOP.

- I'M OUT OF CONTROL LISTENING TO YOU TALK TO ANOTHER MAN!

- BECAUSE YOU'RE CRYING TEARS, I'M GIVING YOU IMMUNITY,

AND I JUST DECIDED THAT RIGHT NOW.

- OH, COME ON!

- I LOVE IT WHEN BOBBY GETS JEALOUS.

- SOMETIMES, HAVING HIGH EMOTIONS PAYS OFF.

- [crying]

- BOBBY, STOP IT, STOP IT!

I GAVE YOU IMMUNITY. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT,

TO GET MARRIED?

- [sobbing] YES!

I WANNA GET MARRIED! I WANNA GET MARRIED TO YOU!

- BUT ARE YOU, LIKE, ASKING ME?

- OH, FARLEY, I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU!

- ARE YOU PROPOSING, OR WHAT IS IT?

- I DON'T KNOW, WE'RE ON A COMPETITION SHOW!

[air horn blows]

- AND TIME. THAT'S THE END OF IMMUNITY.

LET'S BRING BACK IN OUR GIGOLOS. - WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- WHEN BOBBY FIRST PROPOSED,

HE WAS ACTING LIKE HE WAS PROPOSING,

THEN HE WASN'T PROPOSING.

I GOT VERY CONFUSED.

- BRO, WHAT HAPPENS IN GIGOLO HORSE--

UH--

I PROPOSED TO FARLEY.

- ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT BEING A GIGOLO

IS LOVE WITHOUT ATTACHMENT.

FOR THIS NEXT CHALLENGE, YOU WILL BE

ATTACHED TO EACH OTHER IN SOMETHING THAT WE CALL

THE THREE-LEGGED [bleep], AND TO HELP US WITH THIS GAME,

WE'VE ENLISTED A FEW SPECIAL GUESTS...

YOUR AUNTS. [all screaming]

- ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX WITH OUR AUNTS?

JUST START GOING TO TOWN ON THEM?

WHAT IS THE THREE-LEGGED [bleep]?

- GUYS, I THINK WE GOT TO PULL THE PLUG ON THIS EVENT.

- MY DIRECTORS AND A BUNCH OF OUR OFFICE PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

"WE'RE GONNA TRY TO GET CT FROM THE CHALLENGE ON,"

AND PEOPLE GOT CRAZY PSYCHED.

HERE WE ARE. - [laughs]

YEAH, MAN, THIS IS WILD.

- YEAH? - YEAH, I LOVED IT.

YOU GUYS ARE CRAZIER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.

- WE'RE CRAZY? - YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE NUTS.

- I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ARE A MONSTER.

- THIS KID'S A MONSTER.

- GET THIS PARTY GOING.

[all yelling and cheering]

[air horn blows] - WHAT?

- HE PLAYS MIKEY ON "WHEELS ONTARIO,"

BUT YOU KNOW HIM BETTER AS THE ACTOR

AND ENTERTAINER BRYAN LA CROIX.

THIS IS OUR WEEKLY "CHEQUE-IN"

WITH OUR IN-HOUSE "BRYANTOLOGISTS,"

THE HOFFMAN TWINS.

- HI, I'M SHELBY HOFFMAN.

- I'M TARA HOFFMAN.

- WE'RE THE HOFFMAN TWINS.

WE'RE ALSO MEMBERS OF THE BRYAN LA CROIX FAN CLUB.

LEVEL THREE BRYANTOLOGISTS.

- LEVEL THREE, STILL MORE TO GO! DON'T GIVE UP, GIRLS.

- BRYAN HAS A NEW LOOK THIS WEEK ON "WHEELS ONTARIO."

- AND THE PILLS ADDICTION.

- SO LET'S HOPE HE PULLS THROUGH--

- BECAUSE WITHOUT BRYAN, THERE'S NO "WHEELS ONTARIO."

- THANKS, GIRLS, AND STAY PUT

FOR MORE "WHEELS ONTARIO," COMING UP RIGHT NOW.

- WE LOVE YOU, BRYAN!

[theme music]

♪ ♪

[school bell ringing]

- IS THIS A SUGGESTION?

- INUIT ANDY, WHY DON'T YOU FIRE IT UP?

- MIKEY, DRUGS ARE AN EPIDEMIC AMONG MY PEOPLE.

YOU'RE AS WHITE AS THE SNOW. THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR YOU YET.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN, YOU BROWN, LITTLE MONSTER?

I'M NOT A DRUGS ADDICT!

- HE HAS A POINT.

- IF YOU'RE NOT ON DRUGS,

THEN WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT NECKLACE?

- OH, I'M SORRY, ZACHARY. ARE WE IN ALBERTA?

WE CALL THEM CHOKERS IN ONTARIO.

AND WHY DON'T YOU JUST MIND ONE'S OWN BUSINESS?

- MIKEY, THAT'S NOT YOU BULLYING ZACHARY.

IT'S THE MEDICINE.

- IT'S MEDICINE FOR MY PAIN AND AGONY.

- OH, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG THERE, MIKEY.

THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PAIN, OKAY?

THE QUEEN PRESCRIBED YOU THOSE PILLS FOR PHYSICAL PAIN.

- BUT YOU'VE BEEN USING THEM FOR YOUR EMOTIONAL PAIN.

- MACKEREL.

TUNES, I THINK I'M STILL CROSS WITH YOU

FOR SHOOTING ME IN THE BODY WITH THAT GUN.

- I KNOW, MIKEY, BUT LET ME HELP YOU GET OFF DRUGS

LIKE THE CANADIAN PENAL SYSTEM DID FOR ME

AFTER I NEARLY MURDERED YOU.

- SUGGESTION...

ACCEPTED.

- OH! OH!

- OH, THANK GOODNESS.

- HERE, MARIE THE JANITOR, TAKE THESE.

I WON'T BE NEEDING THEM ANYMORE.

- OH.

THERE HE IS. OH, MIKEY.

I DON'T LOVE THE BLUE, BUT I LOVE YOU.

- WHOA, MOM.

YOU'RE LIKE A RAPPER, LIKE DRAKE.

- OH! [both laughing]

[both crying]

- [laughs] COME ON, PAL.

- OKAY.

[Vandarth's Intruder Neutralized]

- ♪ SO THESE GHOSTS ARE BACK TO HUNT AGAIN ♪

♪ IS THERE NO END? ♪

♪ FIRST EVERY CORNER ♪

[laughter]

♪ EVERY BREATH OF YOUR NAME ♪

♪ SO THESE SKELETONS RETURN TO ME AGAIN ♪

♪ ♪

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- WE USED TO SAY MY MOM HAD MOURNFUL FARTS.

- "MOURNFUL FARTS"? - YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY'D BE LIKE...

[sad fart sound]

[laughter]

- IT WAS ALWAYS SO GROSS.

JUST SO GROSS.

both: [sad fart sound]

[early rock and roll music]

- I'M SORRY, LOOK, I GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED.

- [chuckles] AND?

- MY DAUGHTER WAS MURDERED.

[girl giggling]

- YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD?

- TIMES TWO. [girls giggling]

MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE WHO I LOVED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD,

SHE WAS KILLED TWO YEARS LATER. [woman screaming]

- JESUS.

- I LOST MY SISTER TOO.

[woman coughing]

- MURDERED?

- YEAH.

FROM LUNG CANCER.

- DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

- DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ANYTIME YOU CARE ABOUT A GIRL

ANOTHER GIRL DIES?

[neck cracks]

CRAZY COUPLE YEARS WITH ALL THE WOMEN IN MY LIFE

GETTING MURDERED.

[girl laughing]

- WHEN ARE WE GONNA START DOING STEROIDS?

COMEDIANS, THERE'S A POINT IN THEIR CAREERS

WHEN THEY GET TO DO STEROIDS.

CARROT TOP, PISCOPO.

[dubstep music]

- WE'VE REACHED THE END OF OUR COMPETITION

AND ARE LEFT WITH TWO CONTESTANTS--

BOBBY B. AND EAGLE WING.

THE FINAL COMPETITION OF "GIGOLO HORSE"

IS A GAME OF HORSE.

[horse whinnies]

- [laughs] - WHAT'S THAT ABOUT, MAN?

- WHY DIDN'T YOU GRAB THE BALL?

- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT'S WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO!

- ALL RIGHT, BEGIN.

- OH, EAGLE WING, YOU KNOW WHAT I FORGOT TO TELL YOU?

I PLAYED BASKETBALL FOR YEARS.

- NO. - YOU KNOW WHAT?

- OOH! - WHY DON'T WE HAVE YOU GUYS

MOVE A LITTLE BIT CLOSER? - COME ON, MAN.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT FAR AWAY.

IT'S NOT A FREE THROW COMPETITION.

[dreamy music]

- YOU CAN DO IT, BOBBY.

- I CAN'T DO IT. I FORFEIT.

THE ONLY WOMAN THAT I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH FOR MONEY

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IS FARLEY.

COME HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

YOU NEED TO NOT GET ON THE GROUND

UNLESS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING FOR REAL.

- I AM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, FARLEY!

- WHAT? - DO YOU MARRY ME?

[dramatic music]

- WELL, IN ORDER TO FURTHER MY CAREER, MY ANSWER IS YES,

HOWEVER, I CANNOT BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE

DUE TO MY FEAR OF COMMITMENT.

- I MEAN, I'M JUST A SIMPLE GIGOLO,

BUT I'VE GOT TO QUESTION THAT RELATIONSHIP.

- I'M SORRY, BOBBY,

BUT I'M A STALLION, AND I CAN'T BE HELD DOWN.

- FORGET YOU THEN! - M'KAY. [giggles]

- WELL, WELL, WELL, ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC?

THING IS, BOBBY, YOU SAID YOU FORFEITED.

THAT MEANS YOU LOSE.

GET THE [bleep] OUT OF GIGOLO HOUSE.

- IT'S THE RULES, BOBBY. - BOBBY!

BOBBY!

- EAGLE WING KICKS ME OUT OF GIGOLO HOUSE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED GIGOLO HOUSE.

- BOBBY! - WOW.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO GET OUT OF HERE ACTUALLY.

CAN ONE OF THE GUYS BUZZ HIM?

- HEY, BUZZ MY FRIEND! BUZZ HIM!

- THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU HEARD OF BOBBY "B."

I STILL HAVE A NUMBER OF OTHER REALITY SHOWS ON THE AIR.

- YOU'RE BUZZING MY FRIEND!

- YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO, PETER!

- AM I IN THE SHOT WITH THE CRANE?

- 100%, NO. - WE HAVE MULTIPLE

CAMERA ANGLES. - 100%, NO.

- HA HA. GOOD AT BIZNESS.

- DAMN IT! OW! OW!

- THIS PIECE OF [bleep]'S TRYING TO PUT US OUT OF BUSINESS.

HE'S MAKING IT SO THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A MEDALLION

TO BE A GIGOLO ANYMORE.

[dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- WHAT?

HE DOESN'T HAVE A METAL LION? - NOPE.

- THAT'S A TIGER, BY THE WAY.