Original subtitles

- Hey, man, what's up?

- Not too much. - Cool.

My name's bee-czar. You like carnivals?

- They're okay.

- You should try blisteritos.

They'll blow your mi-I-ind!

Eating a blisterito is like having

A thousand bees sting the inside of your body.

Yo, I'm a straight-up bee.

It's real.

[monitor beeps]

- Hi.

So what's the problem?

- He ate a blisteritos,

And now he has ended up stuck like this.

- There is a class action lawsuit

Being brought against blisteritos.

And you and your son are eligible to participate,

But your son would have to never eat blisteritos ever again.

- Uh-uh. No.

- Blisteritos-- they'll blow your mi-I-ind.

- Next.

[dubstep music]

♪

- I'm liz.

- And I'm liz.

This year I'm gonna discover who I am.

- I love to have fun, but now I'm having fun for two.

Our p.R. Firm is called publizity.

[both slurping]

- It plays off our name.

We have a meeting with the ceo of blisteritos,

A company under fire.

Blisteritos is in need of a makeover.

- I'm sure you've heard we're in the middle

Of a class-action lawsuit.

- I know. Congratulations.

- No, it's bad. - Oh.

- It's really bad.

Due to blisteritos causing facial

And head damage to everyone

Who eats it, volcano head.

- I think you're looking on, like,

A negative side of things, and, like,

Let's look at the positive aspect of your product.

- Okay. - This is, like,

A healthy product, and it's, like, delicious.

- Mm-hmm. - It is not healthy.

I can't say if it's delicious. I've never eaten it.

- Yeah, but, like, any press is good press.

- No, this is unanimously terrible press.

- Really? - Oh, it's bad.

- So the heads got, like, ruined?

- 400 fatalities. - Wow.

- That's it?

How about we just, like,

Dig into some ideas?

- Love it. - How does that sound?

Like, 'cause, like, we put together a binder

With the name of our company on it.

It's, like, not a big deal.

Okay, here's the idea.

It's called the blisteritos bus,

And we send it to the inner city.

Like, that's where, like, the black kids are

Whose faces have all been [bleep] up by blisteritos.

- I don't think we want show a lot of the kids

With the volcano heads.

We tried that in a campaign.

People hated seeing them.

- Fyi, like, in college my nickname was,

Like, volcano head.

Because, like, I would suck guys off,

And their--well, they would just erupt.

- Great. We should go out sometime.

- Oh, my god.

- Am I, like, stroking out right now?

When I first met trav, I was, like, repulsed by him,

But, like, as he became more interested in liz,

I was like, "this guy's actually gorgeous."

- We really need to just seem fun.

Blisteritos are fun.

They don't kill children.

- Right. Ooh, we could do, like, an app that counts,

Like, the deaths.

- Oh, my god. Okay, okay, how about this?

Okay...

- That's good. We already sponsor their show.

So that's-- that's perfect actually.

- Oh, my god. - Wait, is this, like,

Graduation, like, actually gonna happen?

Like, do you know if, like, c-czar will be there?

- Oh, c-czar will be there.

- Really? - Yeah, and you guys

Will be there. - Really?

- And I want to know whatever that,

Like, trash ride is that got him pregnant

By that toilet baby.

- I know. Who would sleep with a toilet baby?

- Honestly, though, like, if you actually look at it,

Like, it could be, like, a businesswoman

Who, like, loves to have fun.

- As a sponsor, I know for a fact

They're revealing the mother.

- [screams]

- Yo, what's up, tv, I'm c-czar.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm about to become a teenage dad.

And now if I want to be in my baby's life,

I need to learn a whole new set of skills.

Welcome... - To dad academy graduation.

I'm walter, but you know me better as the wallet.

- Why are you talking to me like this?

- It's your graduation.

- Yo, it's graduation day.

I'm excited I'm gonna see my baby mama,

But first I gotta get through this ceremony.

- You know, the headmaster's done such a great job,

It's hard to remember he's a baby.

- I want to go home.

- Kevin, those weird-ass bangs make you look

Like a weirdo gay marine now.

- Don't call me a gay marine.

My mother was in the marines.

She was stationed on the u.S.S. Malibu.

Have some respect.

- You don't have to prove

Anything to me, c-czar.

- I don't even remember getting

Any lessons from you.

- I love you no matter what. - Awesome!

- You can play video games all day.

- Cool. - You can get hooked

On methamphetamines. - Good.

- I still care about you.

I'm unconditional love.

- He's my favorite. He's my favorite.

- Well, hear me out.

Unconditional love is just one member

Of your team here.

Were you to follow his advice exclusively,

It could lead you down some dangerous roads.

- Okay. Graduations are boring.

I'm out. [bleep] you, c-czar.

- What do you want, c-czar?

- Let's go destroy stuff.

- I won't love you any less

If you do. - Oh, snap.

Now pretty liz and c-czar

Are having a baby.

People don't know that on this show.

- No one knows. - Nobody knows.

Was that hard to keep that a secret?

[laughter]

For pretty liz. - It was, like, probably

The hardest thing that liz has ever had to do in her life.

- Do you think pretty liz likes liz?

- I think that beefy liz has-- [laughter]

- Her name is just liz. Her name is liz.

She's got feelings. - Has way more of a heart

Than pretty liz, but I don't think

Pretty liz is a bad person.

I think she's just a dumbass. - Yeah.

- A deep, deep, deep dumbass.

- Tell me--listen so I don't make any mistakes.

Tell me, what am I allowed to say, and what can I not say

If I write a blog post about being out in l.A.?

- Uh-huh. - I don't ever want

To say the wrong thing.

Can I say I did the red carpet,

There was a lot of big stars?

- Yeah, I wouldn't mention the product.

I would keep the details a little vague.

- Yeah, okay.

[dance music]

♪

- The blisteritos presents dad academy

Congraduritos red carpet viewing party

Is off to a blistering start.

There were so many amazing guests at the red carpet--

A guy from pawnsylvania came.

- What's up, weirdo? Yeah!

- Keith shawn was there.

- So I became a fashion designer this week,

And I made these really cool bags.

- These are amazing.

- Yeah, they're really great. They're not reversible,

And they light on fire very quickly.

- Oh, my god. That's perfect for blisteritos.

Oh, my god, it's katy perry. Oh, my god.

Nice to see you again. Liz from publizity.

Sorry my hands are so cold. - That's okay.

- It's like, oh, my god, katy perry showing up?

Yeah, okay, not a big deal.

Huge deal. - I've been hearing a lot

Of things about blisteritos,

That they really, like, are painful

When people put them in their mouths.

- Those are, like, rumors, and they've been, like, debunked.

Like, completely, like, debunked.

So there's nothing to, like, really worry about.

So what we're gonna have you do is just, like,

Walk the red carpet-- - you know what, I really can't.

I didn't want to make a big deal out of it,

But I actually have my own flamin' hot pop chip coming out.

- Congraduritos.

- I'm sorry.

- Blisteritos are really good. You should try one.

They're, like, actually, like--

They're actually really good.

- Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.

It's really nice.

- So there's no other way out, right?

- Did you get one of these? - Excuse me.

- Did you get one of these to hold?

- No, sorry, I can't.

I can't. This is a conflict of interest.

- Liz is pregnant, and she's being, like,

A real bitch right now, and I met this guy,

And he's, like, the guy from blisteritos,

And, like, he's really nice,

But it's like... [babbling incoherently]

If you don't walk the red carpet--

- I'm sorry. Ruth! Both: Ruth!

Ruth! - Ruth.

- Who's ruth? - Excuse me, I have to go.

I can't answer any more of your questions.

- Oh, my god, please, katy, please.

Katy, no, katy. - No, no, no, no.

- Katy, come here. Katy.

- Katy perry! I'm c-czar's mom.

Hi. - Hi.

Jeffrey gurian from comedy matters tv.

- Hey. - Hey, how are you?

- C-czar's mom. - Wow.

- Yeah. - You must be so proud.

- So proud and a star on dad academy.

You saw me on dad academy. - Incredible.

Oh, what a night for c-czar. - Such a night.

My baby's here. Has he told you about mom academy?

- No, he hasn't said a word.

- He's probably not come down the red carpet yet.

- It's incredible for a toilet baby to come this far.

- There's really nothing wrong with this stuff.

- You know, he's brave, he's powerful.

- [groans] where's liz?

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- So I was, like, walking by the pool,

But, as I was walking, I fell asleep,

And, when I fell into the pool, I hit the water super hard,

But I still didn't even wake up,

And, like, I could have died away.

- And that's why you didn't go to the viewing party?

- What? No, oh, I thought

We were talking about why I'm afraid for summer.

I'm not going to the viewing party

Because blisteritos dust causes miscarriages.

And, like, also I, like, can't see the mystery dad.

- Oh. Who's the mystery dad?

- This has to stay just between us.

- Okay, I promise.

- The father of my child is...

[slurps]

C-czar.

- [squeals]

First of all, like, what the [bleep]

Is going on here?

- You got new lips without me?

- No, these are blisterito lips,

Which you would have known if you had been

At the red carpet, but you weren't,

Because you were here telling cassandra

That your baby daddy is c-czar?

- I'm being here held hostages by cassandra,

Who basically snuck up to me like a poisonous snake

And, like, grappled her arms around me

And just, like, twisted the truth out of me.

Like, she tried to, like, murder me!

- Like, she might be, like, a murderer,

But, like, I thought we were, like, best friends.

- Liz, it was hard for me to share it,

Because, like, he's, like, disgusting.

And, like, believe it or not,

I love to have fun.

- Well, it looks like you've been having all the fun

By not telling me the truth about things.

- Like, I'm having a baby.

- I know you're having a baby! - [screams]

- I know you're having a baby.

Everybody knows you're having a baby.

Like, we agreed upon it with everybody,

Including the producers, that this was gonna be my year.

And now you've just [bleep] me over, okay?

I went to this red carpet event all by myself,

And it was a disaster.

Trav wasn't even there.

Nothing good happens for me ever,

And all of a sudden you're pregnant

By, like, a hot toilet baby?

I was supposed to be happy for you--

- Liz, honestly, I am not gonna stand here

And get beasted into if you don't simmer down.

- No, no, no, I don't accept it! I don't accept it anymore!

- [gasps] you lost my niece denise!

My niece denise is coming to visit me in los angeles.

I'm aunt elizabeth's, um, niece denise.

- You know what, I just have to take this call.

You guys sit down and figure it out.

- Wait, um, liz? - No, I gotta take this call.

- Liz? - I'll see you guys in a minute.

- You're my niece now.

[muffled chatter]

[people chattering]

- What the-- hey, that's perverted.

Quit--what are you--quit--

Quit it!

Holy smokes.

Get--

- Oh, denise. - Denise.

- What's going on?

- Hey, aspen, hey, wendall.

I'm just wondering if you've got my aunt elizabeth at this point.

- Oh.

- What's the situation again? - Yeah.

- Okay, I came to california

To visit my aunt elizabeth.

By some sort of mix-up I wound up with a photographer

Who left me here and then I went into the doghouse to rest.

- You're our rescue girl. - Right, you're the doghouse--

- But not because I'm in trouble.

- I just want you to know that you're our rescue girl

Because the [bleep] aspca won't let us take pitbulls anymore.

- Yeah, they think we're fighting them.

All we're doing is just drowning them.

[glass dinging] - everybody in. 'suela?

- Wendy and I would like to say a few words.

- Okay.

Now, you're probably all wondering

Why you're dressed as movies, right?

So this is a celebration of aspy and I's

Exit from the film industry.

- You see, we started as fans.

And then we became very active filmmakers.

But we've decided to return to our roots

As fans.

And we want to do it with you,

Our closest current drug-using friends.

Let's have fun tonight.

Guys, this isn't a funeral, this is a rebirth.

- A phoenix.

[applause] - do drugs and be merry.

- Have a great time. Boogie nights.

Whoa, you wigging out?

- I'm just gonna go to the chill room

And smoke opium legend of the fall style.

What's up, chill room? Aspy brucks in the hizzle.

- Hey. - How's it going, man?

- Oh, my god, no, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Dude. Jon heder is "jon here-r."

- Yeah.

- Dude, check it out.

"vote for pedro."

- Yeah, no, it never gets old. It's awesome.

- Is everybody, like, glomming onto you and being crazy?

- No, not really. - 'cause if they are you sh--

Feel free to leave.

- Oh, no, I mean it's cool.

I mean, people are being really great.

- Oh, you should just get outta here, then.

- Yeah, um...

- You know, I'm dressed as your character,

And I feel like you're kind of, maybe, like,

Biting a little of my style.

- I'll get out of your hair. I mean, I don't wanna--

- Oh, cheers. Thank you so much.

Cheers, cheers.

- Yeah, I don't want to hurt the party.

- No, cheers, then. - Yeah, I'll get out.

Are you--okay.

- Thank you so much for coming.

- I don't think there's an un-awkward way of doing that.

- No. Cheers.

- But yeah, man. - Yeah, man, totally.

- I just-- I wanted to thank you--

- Do you wanna smoke opium out of my dick?

Welcome to dad academy after dark:

C-czar's fall from grace.

- Now, c-czar needs to blow off some steam.

So I'm taking him to some rich guy's party

In the hollywood hills.

- Ron funches, tiny professor--

Those are two mother[bleep] I can trust.

- Sometimes you gotta be tested

To find out what type of man you are.

I'll take you right back.

- I'm not going back to no graduation, man.

I'm running away from that.

I don't need that kind of [bleep].

Oh, snap! It's charlie from the chocolate factory!

Jabba the slut! Oh, no, it's kung fu panda!

Get the [bleep] outta my way, man!

Oh, snap. What's going on, ladies?

How you feeling? - O.M.G.!

- Ladies and gentlemen,

It's james franco from spring brockers!

Bro, check it. Gosling from drive.

How are you?

- I don't know what you're talking about, man.

- Oh--[laughs] you're the best, dude. You're hilarious. Hi.

Oh, my god, ron funches, my favorite tv lawyer.

Dude, you totally rule.

- Well, you're very scary to me.

- You're like a big couch. I love you.

Here's costumes

From the original motion picture dick tracy.

So just put those on. We kinda got a film thing going on.

But film's dead to us, so just keep that in mind, okay?

- I'm rejecting my tv show.

- Cool. Do you want some crank?

You're the vip of this party

And I want you to do cocaine right now.

This is terrible.

- I don't know, man, I'm about to become a father.

And now I got this tv show.

And I'm supposed to graduate dad academy.

But I also want to reject all those responsibilities!

- Here's what I'm hearing.

"I'm angry, I'm good-looking, I'm famous, let's party."

- Yeah, let's party. - Yeah. Yeah.

- I don't care what the wallet says.

- Cool. Yes! [laughs]

That was a lot.

[glass shatters] - [groans]

- Amazing.

Yeah, good. Good, good, good.

[laughs] - [screams]

Yeah! Yeah!

- Letting c-czar snort crank was a mistake.

- There might be a lot of movie villains in here,

But I'm the only real-life villain in this party!

Blap-blap-blap-blap- blap-blap-blap!

- At this point I'm not so sure

If c-czar's gonna come back to the graduation.

- Oh, snap, a doghouse.

Yo, lemme get in that doghouse. - No, sorry, it's taken.

- Come on.

- No, I don't want--

I'm in this doghouse right now. Please leave.

- I'm c-czar.

- My name is--I'm denise. I'm just--I'm denise.

- Can I tell you a secret? - Sure.

- I was crate trained.

- Well, that's cool.

- Yo, that's a cool katniss costume.

- Yeah, I'm katniss from the movie kat--

- Yeah, from hunger games. - That's what I meant.

I miss my real clothes, though.

Believe it or not I'm not normally dressed like katniss.

- Then why don't you go home?

- I don't even know how to get here, I'm not even from here.

I flew on an airplane to come meet my aunt elizabeth.

But she didn't even come meet me at the airport.

Now I'm living in a doghouse.

- Right? It's like you can't trust adults.

- You can't crush the dolt?

- You can't trust adults.

- Oh, you-- well, yeah, you can.

You just have to trust the right ones.

- Are you scared?

- I need, like, a parent or a guardian

To get me out of here.

- I wanna be wild and run away from responsibility,

But at the same time I'm like, "this girl needs my help."

- I think you know what to do.

- Denise, this is my friend ron funches.

- Are you from the original motion picture dick tracy

Starring warren beatty and his girlfriend at the time madonna?

- You're good at movies. - Thank you.

- Ron funches, what should I do? This poor girl needs help.

- Answer's on your arm, man.

Why do you think we tattooed you?

- "making good choices, setting limits."

I'm gonna get you outta here, denise.

You trust me?

- Yes, c-czar.

- All right, denise. - Okay.

- I can feel my parental instincts kicking in.

[triumphant synthesizer music]

And I see a little girl in need

And I wanna straight-up help you.

Because I'm a villain.

But I'm a good villain.

- Do you like c-czar? - I love c-czar.

And he breaks my heart into a million pieces.

- Mm-hmm.

- And he chokes me up.

He's so innocent.

And he just really needs love.

- But he d--he does have a garbage brain.

- I don't care.

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- [scoffs]

Just cleaning up here in the kitchen.

'cause someone doesn't like to work.

Or tell her friends ideas about who the father is.

[doorbell rings]

Can you get the door, please?

- Liz, I'm pregnant!

- Fine, I'll get the door.

- Hey.

- Oh, my god. It's your niece denise.

- Oh, my god. My niece denise.

Hi, aunt elizabeth.

- Are you okay? Oh, my god. We were so worried about you.

- What happened to your lips?

- I ate blisteritos.

- You're not supposed to eat those.

Eight kids at our school died of volcano head.

- No, they're fine. Everything's fine.

- They're not fine, they died.

I had-- we had a group funeral.

- Are you okay? Did anybody, like, touch you?

Like, where were you? - I'm fine.

I was at wendy and aspen's house.

I was at a costume party.

That's why I'm dressed up like katniss

From the hunger games.

- No, I know what it is. Like, I'm very cool.

I know about--yeah, I get it.

Oh, my god.

You have a hand-written letter around your neck.

I think letters are, like, so charming.

"I found your girl and brought her back

"'cause that's what a daddy do.

"stay wild.

Blap, blap, blap, blap."

[gasps]

It's from c-czar.

- Oh, my god.

C-czar.

- C-czar brought her back.

Why didn't he come in?

- I think he probably had an appointment.

- Go to him, liz.

Saying I'm sorry is really difficult for me

'cause it's, like, my main pet peeve.

I know I've been gone for a number of hours,

But my life has really changed in that time.

I love you all, and I hope I can be a good man like you all are.

- C-czar.

- Liz.

- Oh, my god, I love your golden hat.

Mm.

But listen, like, hats aside, I heard the note

That you tied to my niece denise.

You proved to, like, the entire world

And the television audience that, like,

You're more than a dad.

- I love you.

- Well, I basically have, like, deep feelings for you.

And, like, I want you to know that, like,

At this point-- [farts]

[clears throat]

- What? - Like, at this point--

[farts, squeals]

Like, at this point--[farts] oh, my god.

I think I'm going into labor at this point.

That wasn't how the sentence was gonna end,

But like, I do think I'm going into labor at this point.

'scuse me for one moment. - Oh, snap. No, I'll come with.

- I need to push it out like a doodie.

[toilet flushing, baby crying] oh, my god, thank you.

- Well? What is it?

- It's a toilet baby.

- So I know it's mine!

- Born into the toilet.

- Let's smoke blunts!

[piano music]

- ♪ hoo...

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, gorgeous.

- Hi.

- ♪ thank you for being my daddy ♪

♪ thank you for being my father ♪

♪ I thank you

♪

- Haha--

- [chomps]

- [buzzing]

Hey, stupid, your bun's too boring.

Now blow up your bun with some blisteritos!

- Blisterito bun?

- Also try the cool ranch blisterito sauce!

It'll cool your mouth.

- Ooh, that's cool!