Original subtitles

- He just seems really distant, and he's always on the phone

With someone or making plans.

He changed his email password, which seems really suspicious.

I called bobby, and I asked him to help me out.

- I'm robert bruscha, aka bobby bottleservice,

Aka bobby bottleservice.

I will make sure that you are protected,

Whatever happens here, okay?

I treat women with respect, because, no disrespect,

There's nothing more beautiful than a woman in need.

Because my mother raised me right.

And when my father cheated--

When my father cheat--

I replayed it in my head over and over.

[muttering angrily]

- Thank you. - Okay.

- Okay. - God, you smell amazing.

- Thanks, bobby.

- Did you eat an orange before this?

- I just to find out what's going on.

I mean, I've been getting sick over it because I--

- Okay, shut up. I just got a text message.

It's from peter paparazzo. The deal's going down.

What's up, business associate? - Yo, bro, check it.

Cheater, cheater, cheater, all over the place.

- It's time to bust some skulls, 'kay.

- Let's kill it.

- Yeah, bro. Okay, what's going on here now?

Are you cheatin'? - No, it's a business colleague.

- Word up, dude. Nice. - Good stuff, bro.

- I'm lost. - You're on the show cheatin'.

- You're cheating. - Yeah.

- Nice job. - So it's a good thing?

- Yeah, bro. - Everybody does this, man.

Jfk, newt gingrich, shaggy.

- Everybody. - That's smart.

- Maybe we'll do some shots to bring home.

Prom pictures. - Yeah.

- All right, how about some pictures?

- Say "lance armstrong."

- Lance armstrong. - Yeah.

- Say hi to your wife. - Hi, honey.

- Does anyone have an extra jacket or anything?

It's kind of cold out here.

- I got to break it down, bro. How do you do it?

What's the secret?

- I appreciate you asking because most people don't

Respect it quite as much as you do.

The leg work is exhausting. - Yeah.

- I have two names...Legally. - Really?

What do you go by? Steve and tim.

- Steve and tim. I alternate. - Okay.

Do you buy her nice stuff,

Or are you just, like, "flip over, weirdo?"

- I've never said, "flip over, weirdo," to anyone.

- Sure. Now, do you have children

That would make this more terrible?

- Not that I acknowledge.

- Ooh. - Wow. Oh.

- Who is this bitch, huh?

Is this the bitch that you're cheating on me with?

- No, this is my girlfriend who I'm with.

Right, sweetie? - What?

What are you talking about? - No, let me explain.

- You don't speak. - Let me explain.

- You don't speak. - Let me explain.

- Stop talking. You don't speak either.

You...Speak.

- She's very much identified the weak link here.

- I'm gay.

- Let's sit down. Let's talk about this, okay?

- They're together.

- No. - Are you vicky, huh?

- Let me explain what's occurred here.

This guy didn't do anything wrong, okay?

I'm dating vicky, very much seriously.

But I also have another lady, okay?

I'm the cheater. Tim here, aka steve--

- I go by both.

- This guy's a goddamn chivalrous friend of mine

Who stepped up to the plate when I needed him most so that I can

Have unprotected sex with this foreign person.

Let's go outside and do oral,

And I'll feel very much guilty about it.

- Yes, baby, let's go. - Okay.

- Come on. Let's go.

- That explains that.

[dubstep music]

- You live on a boat in san francisco--is that true?

- No, I like to sit on the boat. I--

- Do you go--do you take the boat out,

Or you just, like, sit on it at the dock?

- I used to take it out. - Uh-huh.

- And then my lack of boating knowledge overtook me.

- Okay. [laughs]

- [laughs] and I-- - do you ever get lost at sea?

- I didn't get lost,

But I've crashed the boat more than once...

- Really? - And it's discouraging to--

- How do you crash a boat?

- I'm not a good-- I'm not a captain.

I'm not a good captain of a ship.

- In the pit of my tar-black guts.

- Little look into the broken mind of inuit andy again.

Feel like my cat just died.

Okay, tunes, you ready to read aloud?

- Tunes, don't freak. You're fantastic at the arts.

- Thanks, mikey.

[wheelchair hums]

This poem is about our national park, banff,

And fire safety. [clears throat]

"banff is on fire. Conditions are dire.

"heavy, black smoke, too much for fire fighters.

"you ever heard of alberta?

"well, the fire is mur-dah to the national park,

"and its flora and fauna.

"I'm a banff mother hoser, born and raised.

"I'm a banff mother hoser. Stop the blaze.

Fire prevention!" [applause]

- Whoa, well, all right.

Who knew we had a young drake on our hands.

Okay, that was great,

With a positive message about our forests.

- Mackerel, tunes. That poem was blazing hip hop.

You could be a real rapper.

- Thanks, mikey. Word.

[school bell rings] - [whistling]

- Hey, legs, let's chat.

- Yeah, we need you for our grade-13 prank.

- A prank? But it's not mean-spirited, is it?

- Nothing too radical.

- We're going to fill up

Coach teacher's office with pasta.

[laughter]

- Pardon, I don't think I follow.

- We just need to fill up your auto with pasta,

Then put it in coach teacher's office.

- [laughs] hmm, I have to think about it.

- Don't be such a hen, eh, wheels?

- Okay, fair enough.

[school bell rings]

- Hey, tunes, I know you're a first-rate rapper now,

But where are we going?

- Right there.

- It seems like a bit of a dangerous neighborhood, no?

- I'll be fine. I'm a real rapper now.

- Yeah, I just feel like there's some rotten pears maybe.

- If you're going to be such a hen about it,

You don't have to come in.

- I'm not being hen about it.

I just care about your safety.

- Don't worry about it. I'll be fine.

- Fine, then. Why don't you just get out?

- I need my chair, mikey.

- Oh, sorry. I forgot about your disability.

[door-ajar alert beeper beeping]

Please don't rob us.

[school bell rings] - okay, 10:00 poems.

We got victoria.

All right. Please say "hither."

We got garrett. Guys, please say "hither"

When I call your name. Tunes?

Tunes?

Tunes?

Mikey, any idea where tunes might be.

- She's never missed poems class.

I'm freaking out.

Maybe she's with your baby?

- Don't talk about that. Okay, everybody,

Robert frost is a sham.

- Coming up later tonight, the stars of wheels, ontario,

Help choose the winners on the season finale

Of show us your songs, toronto.

- [singing indistinctly]

- You remind me of my dead son.

- Ooh.

- Not much of a gag reflex on her.

- I guess my only note would be for next time

Is for my security detail to hold me down while you,

You know, punch me in the face

And maybe shove a roll of loonies into my exit.

- We'll see you at the end of the show, we'll figure it out.

- Ladies and gentlemen, my mother.

- Hi. - Appropriate that you're here

For bobby bottleservice day,

Since he loves his mother so much.

- I like bob--I grew up with a bunch of bobbys.

- Uh-huh. - So it makes me feel like

I'm connecting with a part of my life.

- Did you grow up with bobbys? - Yeah.

- Is dad going to be mad? - No.

- When I talk to dad about the show, dad will go like,

"so is everybody just flipping for dr. Armond?"

[laughter]

- I was charged with murder...

- Where were you when you first discovered your wife's body?

- But got off on a technicality.

- She wearing evidence? - No.

- I gained my freedom, but I lost everything else,

Except, of course, my family name.

Now, I'm serving the worst sentence of all...

- [screaming]

- Moving back in with my father.

This is house of armond.

[insane laughter]

- Papa, have you seen my e-reader?

- I have not, my piglet.

- You're so old.

All you do is work with dead animals.

It's creepy.

My father's a taxidermist, and I'm an animal plastic surgeon.

Could we be any more different?

- See, look, look-- look at this guy.

See?

I brought him back to life.

- Are those eyes permanent? [maniacal laughter]

- No, no, I just--

I just stuck those on there

So I'd have something to refer to.

- Ugh, this is so unfair.

I can't believe I'm back in this house of horrors.

[eerie music]

- I love you even if you are a murderer.

- Well, I'm not a murderer, papa!

Why does everyone have to keep bringing up my wife's murder?

Let's just let sleeping dogs lie.

- How's the man of the moment?

- I'm grumpy, papa. I want to be left alone.

- Well, in that case, why don't we have a party?

- Nobody wants to see me. They all think I'm a murderer.

- Invite your good friend kelsey grammer over.

I could make some bagel bites.

- Can you just leave my room, please.

- Don't be such a baby.

- Detective smart? What are you doing here?

- You and me have to talk.

[dramatic music]

- [scream]

[school bell rings] - where is he?

- Hey, garrett, can I bum a clove?

- [laughs]

- Who's a hen now, cam?

- Wheels, you made it.

- Yeah, question is, how are we going to get

All this pasta into coach teacher's office?

- [speaks inaudibly] pardon?

- The prank's on you. [laughs]

- Wait.

- We never intended to prank coach teacher.

Just an excuse to fill up your auto with pasta,

And you're such a flapjack, you did it for us.

- I knew it. This prank was mean-spirited.

You three aren't my pals at all.

- We'll help you remove all the pasta from your auto.

Promise, but first, may I take a photo for the annual?

- Hush up. No. - Hold on.

- No way. - Say pasta.

- Stop it. - Please.

- Put that mobile down. No more photos.

- Hold up. - Fine. One photo.

Ah, no way. - Yeah. Got it!

- Tunes, you would never do this to me.

Where in the queen's name are you?

- Got it. [laughter]

- Oh, there he goes. [laughter]

[rap music in background]

♪

- Fantastic, I've messed the street with pasta!

Pardon, I was wondering if you'd seen my friend--

- What'd you say? - A gun!

I feel like I've crossed the river into detroit's 8 mile.

- Keep it down, you hosers.

- Tunes.

- Yo, tunes, you know this cadbury cream cup?

- I don't know. I think so.

- What have you done with her? Have you been giving her drugs?

- [laughing]

- Tunes, it's me, mikey. Don't you remember?

- Oh, okay, yeah, mikey, take a hit.

- ♪ and I was your best friend ♪

♪

♪ and you were mine

- [grunts]

- Pardon, officer... [horse neighs]

But my friend tunes had a bad drug trip

And needs to go to the hospital.

[groans] and so do I.

[horse snorts]

- All physicians, please report to the infirmatory.

- Oh, god, mikey, I got here as fast as I could.

- It's just a gun wound, mom.

- Oh, "just a gun wound." oh, okay.

Why don't you take that to the "just for laughs" festival

In montreal. - [laughs]

- What a gorgeous room. - It's true. And to think,

It didn't even cost us a loonie. [laughs]

- My beautiful boy. [cries]

Who did this to you?

Who did this to my boy?

- It was tunes.

- Tunes? From school?

Oh, that's it. We're going back to saskatoon.

That school is a gal-dern carburetor.

- I'll be strong for you, mom. [groans]

- Don't strain yourself. - Okay.

- [sighs] here.

Brought you some lacrosse tapes.

- Ooh, my lacrosse tapes!

And some buttered tarts?

Thank goodness. I'm totally nangered.

I haven't eaten a thing,

Although, I'm sure the food here is de-lee-cious.

- Oh, absolutely.

[school bell rings]

Oh, mikey, I know it's a new school,

But you're a brave guy.

- So you don't think I'm a hen?

- A hen? Are you joshing me?

Mikey, you're the coolest canuck since pam anderson.

- At least my mom thinks I'm cool.

- [laughs] you're better than cool.

- Thanks, mom.

Hey. Hey.

- Oh, hey, nice wheels.

- Here we go. Whoa!

- ♪ relieve this experience

[funky music]

♪

- You know him as mikey from wheels, ontario.

It's bryan la croix. - Pardon.

- French-canadian contortionist, julie francois.

- Bonjour.

- And from two generations of wheels, ontario,

It's gene creemers. - Show us your songs, toronto.

Well, here we are, and you know the rules to the show.

Everyone wins.

- So I understand america is building a bit of a fence there

Up against mexico.

Strikes me they should also be building a fence against us

As it would equally serve as our fence against them.

[laughter]

The canadian national anthem is o canada.

The american national anthem is "oh, I forgot,

Because I burnt my brain with drugs."

- Yes, he did!

- Thank you for your time.

You've been fair. - Really funny.

I really love how edgy your stuff is.

- Whoa, [laughs] what was the one about the--

What was the one about the... The fence?

Building a fence on the canada border because--

[laughs]

- I do apologize.

- You're the best comedian in canada.

I can't wait to see you win this competition, god damn it.

- Thank you.

- My song is the song of our people.

We were once young,

And then hudson's bay company came and took all the furs.

And so it's the pain of the canadian people.

One, two, three, four.

[generic electronic beat with simple effects]

Yeah, turn that bad boy up a little bit more.

Louder, faster, yeah. Ooh, that's better.

[beat stops]

Uh-- [triangle dings]

- Pardon, sorry, but was that the song?

- One, two, three, four. [beat resumes]

Little fast. This is murray, my sober coach.

- Pardon, but is the song of canada

Just a drum beat on a casio keyboard?

- Okay, well, you're a bitch, just like my ex-wife,

So let's [bleep] do it then.

I hate to [bleep] swear. I'm not going to swear,

But this crap--is that better? Is no [bleep] good.

[beat resumes] is that--

Is that [bleep] tastier for you?

- Thanks so much. You move on to the next round.

- My songs are going to be magic.

- I've loved magic since I was a boy.

- And I will need a volunteer to pick a card.

- Uh-oh, looks like we got one here.

- Yeah. So please--

This is a deck of cards,

And you can see that all the cards are different.

Take any card out of the deck. - Any one?

- Any one you'd like.

- Maybe do a little bit of contortion.

- Well, I just need you to pick a card.

[applause] okay...

It's kind of mesh on your--

- It's difficult because--

- Yeah, it might be easier to just take with your hands.

Okay, don't show me.

- Okay, I didn't show you what I have.

- Oh. - Can you show us?

- Okay, you see what the card is?

- You got that card, toronto?

- Okay, here we go. Tell me when to stop shuffling.

- Stop. - Right here?

What was your card?

- It was the king of diamonds.

- That's it. Crackers!

Oh, good god.

- No way! - Oh, god.

- How did you do that? You're amazing.

- Thank you. - All right.

- Next time, if I use you again,

You don't have to do that, 'cause that kind of upstages me.

You can take a card with your hands next time.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Okay, toronto, we've come to the end of the show.

It's time for you to vote, eh?

For jon lajoie, text one-one.

For the unfinished canadian song of doug gary, text one-one.

For the hilarious comedy of graham the comedian,

You're gonna text one-one.

For the crazy things of amy amnesia,

You text one-one,.

And then for the magic of "magic" nathan,

You gotta text one-one.

- Everybody on show us your songs, toronto, is a winner.

And the votes will prove that shortly.

- Oops, here we go. Here we go.

Okay, all right, here we go.

We got a winner here.

And...Everyone's a winner.

- You ever murdered anybody?

- I have not murdered anyone. Sorry.

I guess I should-- you should never apologize

For not killing someone.

But do you have a follow-up

On your "have I ever murdered someone" question?

- Would you murder someone, given the right circumstances?

- Yes, definitely given the right circumstances.

- What would be the right circumstances

For something like that?

- I guess if someone, like, came at me with a knife,

And I would probably, like, quickly move out of the way,

Then, like, twist their neck.

And then if they died from that--

- You would--your move would be a neck twist?

- Yeah, I mean, that's the--

That's the only one I've practiced.

- So did you want to talk, detective,

Or are you just gonna rock?

- I came here to make you an offer.

- I'm all ears.

[ears boing]

- Listen, I know you didn't kill shannon, okay?

- How do you know that, detective?

[thunder] - freeze.

- Oh, my. She has no pulse.

- Because you got the same look in your eye

That I have in my heart.

I know how you feel about her. I know.

- Is that a piece of shannon's nightgown?

- Stealing evidence? Yeah, yeah, I don't think so.

That would be highly, highly unprofessional.

- Is this her? Wow.

She's beautiful.

- May I?

[sniffs] mm.

- Listen, the second I saw that video...

I just heard that voice of an angel...

I fell in love with her, all right?

- What do you want me to do about it?

- The person who did this is still out there.

We can go find him.

- Why don't you ask one of your cop partners?

[gunshot]

- Because they're all down the station making fun of me.

I did everything right on this case, other than arresting you.

You killed that angel. - No, I didn't.

- All right, come on, what do you say?

We can go find him. - But what can I do to help?

- My 15 years on the force,

And your 20 years in the animal kingdom.

Me out on the street, bringing in the perps.

You in there shaking the fleas off those varmints.

My fire, your ice, huh?

My mustard, your relish. - I prefer sauerkraut.

- We'll take them by storm, you and me.

A couple of condiments out there on the street solving crime.

What do you say? Come on, what do you say?

- [sniffs]

[rock music]

- ♪ yeah

♪ ha

♪

- Oh, too much love ♪

♪

♪ too much, too much

♪ too much, too much love ♪

[siren chirps]

- What took you so long?

- This is good coffee.

- You know what? Not as great as shannon.

- I miss her so [bleep] much.

What do we do now?

- You want to go get a hooker?

- She has to look like shannon.

- They all do.

- Ha-ha, good at bizness.

- Oh, sure, come on up here, bub.

- Doug--doug, are you--

I see a ring on your finger. Are you married?

- I do it to keep away trash--

Female trash, male trash.

They're always hitting on a guy like me.

No, I--my marriage exploded beautifully.