Original subtitles

- Hi. - Hi.

- We wanted to purchase a plane.

- An airplane? - Yes.

It's just that we invited axl rose and tyrese

Onto our plane, and they did some "dermage."

- Yar.

- Well, I'm so sorry to hear about your plane,

But we don't sell whole planes. We just sell seats.

- Okay, let us purchase two first-class tickets, please,

To dubai. - Dubai.

- We need to get to the dubai film festival.

- Mm-hmm. - We've got a short-sub doc

About the plight of the iraqi people

Who live in beverly hills.

- Okay, well, I have one flight left out to dubai.

It leaves in an hour and a half.

And I have two seats available

In coach.

[dramatic crescendo] - okay.

- I mean, it's ironic that we're flying coach

To the middle east,

Because I "derfinitely" feel like a martyr.

- Oh, my goobers. What is this?

Oh... - We forgot that we have to

Go through security.

- I'm sorry, do we still have to do this

If we know god is dead?

- You know what, wendalls? We've gotta get rid

Of a few things. - Yeah.

Okay...Whale ambien.

- You can take that, right?

I mean, it's in the shape of a crescent moon.

It would be respectful.

Bye-burr.

- Fun gun. - Now, wait.

Is that our actual gun, or is that gun we use

To shoot schneef right into our bloodstream?

- No, this is super heavy. I think it's real.

- Yeah, this is real. - Bye.

- Burr-burr. [gunshot]

- Original costumes from the motion picture dick tracy.

- No, keep those.

Boo-yaka-shah.

- Omg!

- Hey, tom thanks, let's do a forrest bump.

- Mmm. - [snorts]

[coughs] ooh...

- Ahh! Schneef. It's what's for dinner.

- [chuckles] the other white schneef.

- Ooh. - Okay, rest in schneef.

I'm good.

- Hello, gentlemen.

I just want to remind you you are sitting

In an emergency exit row.

Are you willing and able to assist

In the event of an emergency?

- Yar. Yar.

- Can you operate the emergency door?

- Uhhhh... [both laugh]

- Can you operate the emergency door?

- Aah!

- Just a "yes."

- Definitely. - Turtally.

[both laughing] - I'm sorry?

- Definitely. - Turtally.

- Say yes. - Yarn!

- Does--does that mean yes? - Yeah.

[dubstep music]

♪

- Being a teenager, like, kids are hitting puberty

And it's like that first stage of becoming a werewolf,

Where they're sorta... [groans]

Their knuckles are, like, curling.

They're just like... [groans]

And they're just like... "uh...I don't want dinner.

I'll be in my room.

Yo, what's up, tv? I'm c-czar. Blah! Blah! Blah!

I'm about to become a teenage dad.

And now, if I wanna be in my baby's life,

I need to learn a whole new set of skills.

Welcome to dad academy.

- Doctor. Doctor.

- Oh, snap, it's dr. Armond.

- You got that right, homeboy.

I'm the cool cucumber.

- Oh, you stick it up your own ass, you weird gay dude?

- I know that you had a troubled upbringing,

So I don't take offense at any of the things

That you're trying to say to me.

As a doctor and a father,

I've learned never to lose my cool.

- Oh, you're talking about losing your cool?

What about when you lost your cool and you killed your wife?

- I did not murder my wife, c-czar.

- Can I straight up tell you if I murdered someone,

I would make a rap video about it and put it on youtube

So everyone knew I was crazy hard.

But I don't have murder inside of me.

What's it like to be inside the mind of a killer, armond?

- My lawyer said that I didn't need to answer those questions.

I was told that I would come on the show today

As a dad expert, not as someone on trial.

- Yo, straight up, dr. Armond,

I can't see you. Hold up.

- If I had murdered her, I would have been enraged.

I'm not--I don't-

- That's why I turned the monitor around,

For you to say some dumbass [bleep]?

- I've come on this show to teach you to be a better father.

And you little toilet baby, you piece of [bleep]...

Hmm. I won't react.

- I will. - Aah!

I'm "the belt."

- Nice try, small fry.

- In one state, the tale of two big cities...

- The city of brotherly love. - Welcome to the 'burgh.

- With two even bigger personalities.

- I'm murph, owner and operator

South philly murph's pawn shop on south street.

Here in philly, I got all the business

And women I can handle. [tires screech]

- If you're looking for something steelers,

Pirates, penguins, we got all that crap

Down at don's pawn.

Oh, that's good as hell.

Welcome... - Welcome...

To pawnsylvania.

- You're coming by tomorrow

To pick up them laundries, aren't you, anyway?

- Oh, yeah, I gotta get them laundries.

[phone ringing] - hello?

- Murph. Don.

- What's up, don? You want advice

On how to win a world series?

- Pbbbt. No, I'm calling to give you advice

On how to win one super bowl... Ever.

- I got a pawn shop to run here, don.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't know anything about that.

Listen, jaggoff, I got a whole treasure trove

Of philly magazines, okay?

One of 'em's got a picture of darren daulton in a tux

Eating a hotdog.

- That one where he got the mustard on his face?

- Yeah, that's the one.

- Oh, that would move here for sure.

[baseball music]

Now that you mention it, I get them slacks worn

By jean claude van damme in that movie sudden death.

[exciting music]

- Double yoi! A pittsburgh classic.

- Every piece of [bleep]'s a classic in pittsburgh.

- [laughs]

- Well, I got something I could sell there.

You got something you could sell here.

- Yeah? What of it?

- [whispers] swap shops.

- Don, I just had a home run idea.

Why don't we swap shops?

- Sounds good.

Pookie? - Yeah.

- I'm philly-bound.

Will you pack me a chip-chop ham sandwich?

- What is "double yoi"?

- Double yoi. Double yoi. God rest your soul.

Myron cope was the steelers announcer for years and years,

And he used to say "yoi" and "double yoi"

Whenever the steelers would do something, I think, bad.

But it might have been good.

Both: Oh, hello.

- Of course, I'm gil faizon.

- And I'm george st. Geegland.

- And this is a new episode of "too much tuna."

- So what's up, all you tunaheads?

- Let's take a moment of silence

For our producer, len lumpkin,

Who died this week from car accident

Followed by aneurysm.

- He was in a car accident. He was okay.

A moment of silence.

[slurping]

Because len's dead, we have a new crew member

Taking his place. Nora?

- Nora. - Nora.

- It's act-- it's actually "noah."

- Oh, you're noah.

Sometimes gil's gonna have dementia,

And you're gonna have to shave him in the morning.

- Yeah, I gotta do it in bathtub

So I can look at the hairs float.

- This week's episode is gonna be extra special.

- Yeah, 'cause somebody's getting pranked,

And they don't know about it yet.

- So tuna in to see who's gonna get pranked.

How odd, it's just the two of us sitting here

On "too much tuna."

- Yeah, with nobody...

Getting pranked.

- Well, as long as we're waiting for, uh...

Our prank guest, why don't we have a little lunch?

Oh, ho, ho! What is the meaning of this?

- This is supposed to go in front of him.

- What is this? No, I don't want--

- No, I think there's a problem here

'cause this is supposed to be...

- No, actually, I think... - In front of him.

- This is supposed to be over here.

- Because if you look at this--

I'm not supposed to have this [mutters] in one week.

- This is not for me. I don't want this.

Ida, this is not supposed to be here.

I'm not gonna have it.

- I'm supposed to give this to him.

- You've got too much tuna.

- What do you think's happening the other way around here?

- Nothing's happening. I got a potato bun.

There's something under it. I'm not even looking.

I don't even care.

- The tables have turned, friend.

There's a whole mountain of tuna fish

Right in front of you.

Look what's happened here. - Uh-oh.

- It's-- it's too much tuna.

- It's two...Much tuna.

- It's--I've been pranked. It's too much tuna.

- You're born a schmuck and you'll die a schmuck.

Welcome to hell, idiot.

[upbeat orchestral finish]

- Yeah, sometimes when I'm alone I'll make up songs to myself.

- Uh-huh. - Um, and then,

Enough time will pass, and they'll become,

Like, real songs in my mind,

And I'll remember one from a long time ago,

As if it were a song that exists, but it doesn't.

- And can we hear one of those?

- Well, the number one hit song out of all the songs

That I've ever made up goes like this.

♪ some people like to see me do my thing ♪

♪ some people like to see me move around ♪

- [laughs]

- That's a song that I made up.

- So basically, it's day one of the shop swap.

I'm good to go, but don I'm worried about.

Things move pretty fast in philadelphia,

Like jimmy rollins stealing home. [chuckles]

- Ha ha! What's up here, boy?

Nice little gun here. [gunshot]

These aren't used for anything but, like,

Clandestine murder, so we don't really do this, dude, sorry.

I'm racist, but, like, you seem cool.

[dog whines]

Assalam alaikum. - Yeah, where's murph at?

- Hey, what's up? Are you meredith?

- No, I'm theresa. Who's meredith?

- I don't know, but someone named meredith came by

And left this sexy note for don. - What? Are you kidding me?

What a dirt! - No, theresa,

You got nothing to worry about. That's ain't sexy.

- We're supposed to go up to king of prussia mall.

We've got tickets to see the philly phanatic.

- She needs to chill out.

- Who's this jokester? - [chuckles]

- This is murph's cousin.

- Don. - He's from pittsburgh.

- He gets the job done. [laughs]

- Yo, you gotta be careful with that, okay,

'cause murph associates with a lot of ladies around here.

He gets more crack than the liberty bell.

[chuckles] - all right, shut up.

- Hey, beautiful, I never noticed

That phillies-red hair of yours.

- [chuckles] [phone rings]

Hey, babe. - Hey, pookie.

Is my cousin getting nubby on you?

'cause he does, swear to god,

I'll kill him.

- No, he's harmless. - Hey, beautiful...

Tell him I'm getting real comfortable here.

I might just steal you away.

- Tell don jr. I said shut up.

- Don says shut up. He loves you.

- Hey, where's the john in this john?

- Oh, it's in the back. - I love you.

I miss watching you dip french fries in mayo.

I miss deb.

She's a smiley face on my cookie.

I need her in my life or I don't feel complete.

With don in town, it's different.

It's just like a whole other vibe.

You know, he's, like, from another country.

Uh, looking to sell this crocheted steelers

Tissue box cover I told don about.

[Monday night football theme]

- Uh-uh. I don't think so.

We've got enough steelers crocheted stuff already.

Money for that crap? That's the kind of attitude

That sunk both my brothers' weight-lifting gyms.

- Why don't you go back to philly,

And don come back to pittsburgh?

- I mean, if that's how don's running things here,

What the hell's he doing with my shop?

- So this is aluminum with mother of pearl,

And then this is cubic zirconia with candy.

- What youse want?

- Just looking around at your stereos.

- Cool, man. Can I interest you

In a 1995 darren daulton philly magazine?

It's a classic shot.

[baseball music]

- Gimme your money, man! - Whoa, dude, whoa!

- Get down on the ground. I'm robbing this joint!

- You know, there's a reason why they call this town

Filth-a-delphia. It's 'cause it's scum.

- Get down! - Whoa!

- I'm robbing this joint.

- We're already being robbed.

Can you go down the street?

This is a pretty good location, so you know,

The pro is that people come and browse around,

But the con is just getting double-robbed.

- I'm not gonna get shot for this bullcrap, all right?

- He ain't gonna shoot you.

They know the rules.

- Listen, jeff, you ever been in love?

- No, I haven't.

- That's the difference between you and me, dude.

I've found what's really important,

And I'm not willing to risk that for some pawn shop, okay?

[gunshot] - [bleep]

- We always get robbed on fridays.

- Have you been convicted of a crime

But can't afford the legal expenses?

- Hi, I'm ron funches.

Just to be clear, I am a public defender.

I know what you're saying. "why does a public defender

Need a commercial?"

The bad news is you're going to be convicted.

- Guilty! - We tried.

And if I'm randomly selected to be your lawyer,

I'll bring you a nice box of my aunt sandi's

Pecan sandies.

[cell phone rings]

Guess my work's never done.

I have to go meet with a new client.

Or should I say friend?

- My wife is dead. I've lost all my money.

I can no longer afford my high-powered attorney,

And everyone's abandoned me-- that's why I'm here.

- Pecan sandie?

- I'm more of a mint milano man myself, but--

- So you killed your wife?

- I never laid a hand on my wife,

Except on occasional special evenings.

- [laughs] - [chuckles weakly]

It feels really good to laugh.

- You look like a highlighter.

- And you look like a hairy chocolate gummi bear.

- [laughs]

- I gotta tell you, mr. Funches,

We're gonna laugh all the way to not going to jail.

- Even though you're not guilty, I'm gonna take the case.

- Do you have a choice in that? - No.

- 'cause you're a public defender.

- Yeah.

- Dr. Armond, please rise.

You stand here accused of murder in the second degree.

How do you plead?

- Guilty... Of loving my wife.

- [laughs]

[upbeat wrap-up music]

- I was on youtube looking at comments,

Which, as you should-- - oh, you can't do that.

- I know. But I ended up doing it,

And they're all, like, "oh, this sweaty,

"obese black guy who talks about black things that have hap--"

Which I don't even really do.

- You don't talk about black things.

That's why I'm comfortable with you.

- [laughs]

[exciting big band open]

♪

Both: Oh, hello.

- Okay, so, gil--

So I looked over your chart--

- Of course, I'm gil faizon.

- And I'm george st. Geegland his associate.

- So I looked over your chart, and you have mercury poisoning.

- Thank you. - No, actually, it's terrible.

You have high levels of mercury in your blood,

Which is a very toxic poison.

- And that's what freddie mercury died of?

- No, he died of aids.

- Right. He was poisoned by it.

So it was mercury's poisoning.

- No, actuall-- - we're saying the same thing.

- Can I ask you about some of your symptoms?

Are you feeling fatigue? - Yeah.

- Muscle weakness? - Yeah.

- Okay, any peeling skin? - Yeah, it peels right off.

- Like wallpaper.

- Well, these are all symptoms of mercury poisoning, so...

- I don't understand how you could have this.

You just got a clean bill of health.

- Yeah. I just went through a doctors checkup.

- Who was the physician?

- About a month ago, I saw dr. Wong.

- Lou wong. Yeah.

- Is that your primary physician?

- He was the primary suspect in a botched c-section.

- Yeah. - So he didn't do

Any blood work or anything?

- Lou wong? - No, no, no.

He was waving a gun around and screaming.

Race riot this, race riot that. - Yeah.

- I'm gonna prescribe a supplement for you

Of selenium, and I would recommend

That you stop eating all fish.

- I mean, I eat a little bit of tuna fish.

- Occasionally tuna fish. - Occasionally.

- Okay, occasionally.

Um, what does that mean?

- I don't know, I don't have more than

Three dollops of tuna, you know, per meal.

- Two, three ice cream scoop's worth?

- Yeah. I mean, about a "handsful" is one dollop.

- You have three meals of tuna fish per day?

- You gotta eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, don't you?

- Three squares, or rounds, if you're talking

About tuna dollops. - Okay.

- I don't think we've been eating too much tuna.

- Okay. I recommend that you should really

Stop eating tuna altogether.

- I don't think that's too much tuna.

- Well, it--it is.

- I've been eating... Too much tuna.

[clears throat] - uh-oh.

- Oh, what could this be? - What is this?

- What's this?

- What is the meaning of this?

- What's that?

- It's a very old sandwich.

- You've just been pranked. - You idiot.

You stupid bitch.

There's a sandwich on your desk now.

Too much tuna.

[orchestral wind up]

- Right. Well, besides it being mercury poisoning,

It's actually food poisoning because

That mayonnaise seems warm.

- I mean, the mayonnaise is curdled,

But he's built up a tolerance.

- Well, it doesn't smell good.

- It's turning, isn't it? - Yeah. And I have--

- Plus, I switched off the a.C. When I came in.

[upbeat music]

- I was afraid that murph was getting the wrong impression

Of pittsburgh, so I invited him over for a home-cooked meal.

- From the moment I got to pittsburgh,

I wanted to go home.

But now that I'm getting to know deb a little bit,

Maybe pittsburgh's not so bad.

Mmm. Okay.

It's crazy, I ain't never had a salad before.

I mean, one time I ate two pickles at an eagles game.

- Nuh-uh. - Yeah.

- That's cool. - Never had a home-cooked meal.

You know, you'd think my mom would have done it,

But she got shot in the face at the ten-year reunion

Of bicentennial.

- Oh, my god, are you sinserious?

- Fries on a salad? A-plus.

I'm gonna [bleep] deb.

- I'm worried about murph in pittsburgh with deb.

He puts his cheez whiz-eating hands on her at all,

I'm gonna wring his neck.

You know what I'm saying? He's a sleaze.

- Everyone says I'm a real good dancer.

- You are really good. [cell phone vibrating]

- Hey, pookie. How's it going?

Some scary crap just went down.

- Get on the ground. I'm robbing this joint!

- Get down! I'm robbing this joint!

- Deb always answers the phone after one ring.

So she didn't this time. I feel like a jaggoff.

- And the music's over. Oh, I'm--I can't.

I'm a married lady.

- That's literally never happened to me before.

- Obviously, murph's, like, real sexy and cosmopolitan.

But I would never cheat on my pookie.

Not in my hass. Not in my ton.

- Don's a lucky man.

I'm gonna get out of [bleep] pittsburgh.

- Guess I have to take matters into my own hands.

Both: Oh, hello.

- Of course I'm charmed. I'm sure gil faizon.

- And I am also at the same time charmed, I'm sure,

George st. Geegland.

We're the hosts of television's "too much tuna."

- But there's nothing tuna about joking around.

- Over a billion people die of mercury poisoning...

Both: Every year.

- While you're peeing,

Little chunks of tuna fish come out...

Then you've probably got an issue.

- You know, they say that, like,

Jews from new york and l.A. Kind of run the comedy scene,

But, I mean, on our staff alone,

There are you guys and one or two other writers

Who are all from philly or pittsburgh, so you know...

- Yeah, but you, levenstein, and krisel are our bosses.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, so... - Nothing's changed.

[upbeat music]

- Okay, so I couldn't understand a word

Anybody was saying in pittsburgh,

So I gos-- I go back to philadelphia.

- So I'm headed back to the 'burgh to see my pookie.

My cousin thinks he's real smooth,

Like santana and rob thomas.

I'm gonna teach him what's up.

Oh, man.

Get ready to die, you dick!

[tires screech]

Dude!

What's up now, jaggoff?

- Jesus! - What's up now?

- What are you talking about? - Huh?

- Don, don, don-- what do you need, man?

- All I know is I got deb's voicemail.

I ain't never got deb's voicemail.

What did you do with my wife?

- Dude, cousin code, bro.

- Ain't no code.

You touch my wife, code's over. - Dude, go ahead.

- You're hiking through the woods right now,

And I'm jaggers. - What are jaggers?

- Prickers. - Okay, what are prickers?

- They're thorns! They scratch up your legs!

- Look, man, water under the bridge, okay?

- What do you know about bridges?

- I know I've been under your wife's bridge.

- You keep talking about deb like that,

I'm gonna ralph in your car, dude.

- Dude, you're gonna choke, just like bobby bonilla

And barry bonds did.

- You don't talk about the "killer bs" that way!

Listen. [click]

You owe me 75 bucks. - For what?

- 'cause that's broken, dude.

I bought that from your store, man.

She would never let me go to voicemail!

Hey! Hey! - Dude!

You need to chill out! - You need to chill out!

- Look, man, I'll be totally honest with you.

I tried to sleep with your wife,

She wouldn't have me.

You know why? - Why?

- 'cause you're a great dad, and an even better husband.

- Aw, are you serious, dude? Aww.

- Yeah, man. - Aw, my pookie.

- And at the end of the day,

I'm all alone in my sad apartment.

- Oh, no, dude, it's not like all that.

You got a great 'stache, cool pants.

And you're smoother than a rock in a crick.

You're like the opposite of a jaggoff.

- For real? - For real.

- You know what? We actually got

A lot more in common than we got different.

We're both cousins, we're both owner/operators,

And we're both from the best state

In the goddamn country.

- Keystone state. [applause]

- I ain't never going back to pittsburgh,

But if I can unload a couple

Of those darren daulton magazines,

I'll be able to afford that house down by the shore.

I'll definitely invite don and his wife and kid.

- [whistles]

- Ha ha. Good at bizness.

- I'm gonna prescribe a supplement for you.

- Do you have root beer-flavored prilosec?

I want vicodin max, like pepsi max.

Do they make wild cherry-flavored celexa?

- I'm actually not treating you right now.

- I had a green bowel movement,

But I think it was from too much spray.

- Any tremors? - Not really?