Original subtitles

- Felt very constricting.

- Every day was filled with fear and anxiety.

- I just would like to get up today and live a normal life.

- When I was on the san diego diet,

I was thin and sad.

But today...

[crowd ohs]

I'm introducing the san diego mindset.

Every time I got skinny, I'd get depressed.

I would start taking all types of pharmaceutical drugs.

They were poisoning my body.

But then I started eating the food I wanted to eat,

And all of a sudden, I didn't need any drugs.

[belches]

Both: We're going to san diego in here.

- There is no pain, no restrictions.

- It's time for you to unlock the secret

That generations of people have known.

Every single pharaoh had a favorite food,

And he would eat that food when he had to make

Important decisions.

When abraham lincoln freed the slaves

And made this country equal, he ate a meal.

And now we live in the integrated society

That we bless our country with today.

I'll tell you one thing

That the pharmaceutical industry and the diet industry

Will never tell you,

Is that aliens are always eating food.

They are eating big meals every day on the spaceships

That they're flying through space on to get to us.

Why do you think those aliens are always trying to eat humans?

Because humans are ice cream to aliens.

A lot of people are gonna tell you a lot of things,

But let me tell you something right now, friend.

[dubstep music]

♪

I can't be in the sun anymore.

I'm allergic to the sun. I'm allergic to california.

And we had ray wise come in here.

He plays wendy's father in rich dicks.

I go into the makeup trailer,

And they have to put a lot of makeup on me,

Like sunscreen and tons of-- to even it all out.

Ray wise comes in. He's gotta be about 60.

Two minutes in the makeup chair,

He's like, "no sunscreen.

"no, there's no need for sunscreen.

Later."

And walks out, and I'm just like,

"can I have a little more sunscreen

And foundation please?"

He's like, "ah, we used to wear oil."

Just like a beautiful piece of popcorn.

♪

- Getting out cash is my least favorite part of drug deals.

Six, six, six, nine.

Because the devil loves [bleep] jobs.

- [chuckles]

[beeping]

- Ugh, they're charging me money to take out my own money.

- It's like, enough with the surcharges barkley.

- Ahh! I rage against you.

I rage against you, machines.

These parasitic banks are taking down america.

Hi, this is wendall shawn. Can I talk to my father?

- Shall I ready the purell? - Definitely.

- ♪ money, big money, big dough ♪

♪ get the paper, get the cheddar, get the scrilla ♪

♪ money, man, I sack every day ♪

♪ bend the block right away

♪ 'cause I, I'm all about ♪

- Ahh!

[laughs] [slide whistle]

- Can I help you?

- Dad, it's wendy.

Your son from skinny carol.

- I know who you are.

- And this is my friend aspen.

He's jewish from summertimes.

Hey, mr. Shawn. I'm on peyote.

- Mm-hmm. Can't you see I'm working here?

- I went to one of our family atms

To get out 5 hundo,

And they charged me $3.

- I make money from those surcharges.

- Right, do you really want it to go to, like, fat carol

And, like, james?

- So now you know the value of a dollar, huh?

- Yeah, it's like half a euro, right?

- No offense, mr. Shawn. You are the lizard king.

But I think you should just, like, chill mickelson because--

- Enough! I'm cutting you off.

You go get a job.

Then we'll talk.

- I'm gonna cut you off.

Like jean shorts, okay?

I'm gonna ruin you.

I'm gonna take your bank down

In a way that makes you proud.

I love you. [laughter]

[knock on door]

- What up, faceless internet vigilantes?

- Hey, um, we need you to help, uh, destroy my daddy's bank.

- Wikileaks style.

- I'm liz.

- And I'm liz.

I'm the bigger one.

- And this is temporary.

Our p.R. Firm is called "publizity."

[slurping]

- It's based off our names.

- [scatting]

Hey, liz, what's up?

- I'm just getting started

On, like, an amazingly scathing email.

I'm so angry all the time,

And I find, like, email's, like, a really good place

To take out that anger

And sort of, like, in a logical, very fiery way.

- [belches]

- Oh, my god. Are you okay?

- Liz. - What?

- I'm pregnant.

- Wait. What?

Pregnant?

- This is not the first time I've told liz

About my pregnancy.

But, like, you're carrying this one to term?

- I decided to keep this one.

Like, I know many others have fallen away.

- First off, I feel, like, blindsided by this.

Like, second of all... - How dare you?

- Like, congratulations. - Thank you.

- You're welcome.

[slurping]

- Um, just one quick--

- Cassandra, just wait for, like, a natural lull

In the conversation.

[slurping]

- So I really loved working here.

- Obvi.

- But the time has come for me to move on.

But don't worry, I am not gonna leave you guys in the lurch.

I've already found my replacement.

I'm gonna train him really, really well

So that no business is interrupted in any way.

- Like, honestly, cassandra,

Like, and I'm, like, an open, kind spirit,

And, like, I don't hold a grudge.

So I just wanna say, like, I'm so happy for you

That you're, like, taking time to, like,

Go out there and, like, do nothing

And, like, try and find yourself

And just, like, find out if your personality is.

- ♪ we're a team ♪

- I got my own reality show.

- What?

- It's about me and my family.

- What? - [belches]

- Liz, how does your back feel right now?

- You know what, actually, like,

My back hurts me a bit because I'm pregnant, first of all.

- Wait, what?

- I'm having a baby.

- Anything that makes me question

My own place in my own life,

I black it out.

Liz might be pregnant with a baby right now,

But I am pregnant with furiosity, okay?

And I am not taking epidural,

'cause I wanna feel everything.

Coming up next...

- On publizity...

- I found this guy. His name is brenth.

It's not my problem anymore.

- We have, like, an all-hands-on-deck meeting

Later this afternoon.

- I would love to be there,

But I actually have an audition at 11:45.

It's for a play... - Uh-huh.

- Of cruel intentions.

Both: Oh, my god. - Great.

- But I will come in for lunch.

- Ah! I love gay guys.

So amazing.

- You're from boston. Do you like larry bird?

- I love larry bird. - Uh-huh, you like, like--

- I also love wade boggs. I like people like that.

- You like, like, white athletes.

- I like white athletes.

[laughter]

Somebody should give them a chance, you know?

- White guys? - Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ we work the hard, honest job ♪

♪ we ate our corn off the cobb ♪

♪ we were proud young americans ♪

♪ ooh yeah

- Hey, ma.

I finished plowing the fields.

- [sniffles]

- I'm sorry it took so long.

I'll go faster next time,

Although I do like to be by myself.

What's wrong, ma?

- Our house is being foreclosed on.

Your father has gone on down to the bank

To beg for mercy.

- [sighs] well...

I did see this flyer for a two-point shooting contest.

I could enter it,

And if we win enough money, we could save the house.

- You know what your pa says about shooting,

That shooting's for show-offs.

You know how much your father loves fundamentals.

- But, ma, I got the sweetest stroke around.

Ask any of the cows.

[crack] ow, my back.

- Oh, larry, lie down.

- [groans]

- Oh, larry, I believe in you.

I can drive you to the two-point shooting contest.

- [sighs] tape me up.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ we didn't slouch when we walked ♪

♪ we didn't cuss when we talked ♪

♪ we were proud young americans ♪

♪ ooh yeah

[indistinct chatter]

- Hello, mrs. Thompson.

- Aren't you gonna get to stretching?

- I don't stretch. Stretching's for show-offs.

- My ball playing does the talking for me, so...

- [chuckles]

- [blows whistle]

[funk music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

[blows whistle]

[cheers and applause]

[blows whistle]

- Come on, larry, you lazy bum.

You good-for-nothing.

Never done anything in your life.

Why don't you go and do something with yourself

Instead of just sitting around and being a lazy "b"?

[dramatic music] [back cracking]

♪

[cheers and applause]

♪

[somber music]

♪

- You know what your pa says about shooting,

That shooting's for show-offs.

You know how much your father loves fundamentals.

- Come on, larry, you lazy bum.

You good-for-nothing.

Never did anything in your life.

♪

[funk music]

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, my boy.

- I didn't win the money to save the farm.

- No house could be worth more than the pride I have

In your fundamentals.

- Thank you, sir.

- We're gonna have to live in the car now.

- You got a lot of talent, larry bird.

- Make no mistake, magic johnson,

I will [bleep] end you.

[chuckles]

- ♪ we said our prayers before bed ♪

♪ we didn't sex till we wed ♪

♪ we were proud young americans ♪

♪ ooh yeah

- Oh, this is great. I love these masks.

It's like we bought a zoo in the matrix.

More like "eyes wide slut."

[both chuckle]

Both: Whoa!

- What's up with bloody finger dude?

- Finger magnets.

It's an initiation ritual.

We stick our hands in ice for half an hour,

Implant the magnets, then stitch them up.

- Ooh, aspen like.

- [ominous voice] we are the nameless.

We are a worldwide organization

Dedicated to bringing down the parasitic system

Known as society.

You have two minutes to tell me

Just exactly what you're doing here.

[normal voice] okay?

- Thank you for having us. This is a sweet lair.

- What do you want?

- We want in. Are you hiring?

- This isn't a job.

It's a revolutionary organization.

- What's the diz with the fingy mags?

- All of us citizen scientists have these finger magnets.

- So that's for picking up, like, paper clips or...

- Yeah, you can pick up really anything metal

As long as it's not too heavy.

- Well, like, we're the most tech

Out of all our friends, like--

- It's not about being tech.

It's about realizing that structure is an illusion.

- But are you the leader of this organization?

- Yeah. - So is that like--

- Okay, don't. Don't do that.

- Shawn bank is my daddy's bank.

We wanna help you bring it down.

- Your daddy's bank, huh?

- And he's being a [bleep] dick to us at the golf course.

- I have daddy issues too.

I mean, I am a walking representation

Of having issues with your father.

- Pretty self-aware.

- All right.

Can you get me security codes? - Totally, yeah.

- This is something that we definitely wanna do.

- Take these two rich dicks to initiation.

- Thanks.

Is that, like, a big [bleep] fest?

- ♪ all my fears

♪ float around me

♪ like butterfly

♪ and in our eyes

♪ no redemptions

♪ no exceptions

♪ no freedom

♪ there's no escape from ♪

- Oh!

Totally worth it.

- Cassie, come here.

Sweetheart. - Yeah.

- Do be a wonderful daughter and get me some egg nog.

Assist me, cassie.

I didn't want tepid eggy nog nog.

I wanted cold eggy nogga.

Cassie, I can't do all the heavy lifting in the house.

I'm the one changing the channel.

Can you at least do some cleaning up around?

- My dad is the fattest person yet.

- You know how much I've tried to lose the weight,

But that pool volleyball is for worms and plebeians.

- We all had really high hopes for pool volleyball.

- I'm on the san diego mindset now.

I'm going to san diego where?

- Dad, in your head.

- In here.

[breathing heavily]

- Okay.

- You've been working so hard taking care of me, cassandra.

I wanna give you back something.

- Thanks, dad. I appreciate that.

- A song. - Okay.

- ♪ when a father

♪ loves his daughter

♪ and they live together as partners ♪

- So today I have a new couch arriving

As a special surprise.

It's gonna be a challenge to get him off the old one.

- ♪ and you'll think of her often with fondness ♪

- Love you, dad.

- Go get me some egg nog, sweetie.

- Yeah, you want some egg nog now?

- Brought me my special sandwich?

- I did.

- Well, hand it to me, my dear.

- Okay. - What are you doing?

- Dad, you have to reach for it.

- Why would I have to reach for it

When you could just hand it to me?

- I'm gonna take the remote.

Dad, I know you can do it.

I'm here for you.

- I'm so scared, cassie.

- You're gonna get that sandwich,

And you're gonna feel accomplished.

- [sighs]

[groans]

[groaning]

I'm so scared, cassie.

[groaning]

[doorbell chimes]

- The new couch is here.

- Cassandra, hand me the sandwich.

I've done my part.

Are they inside, cassie?

- Dad, they're not looking.

- Bring my cover sheet.

I won't be shamed in front of these pedestrians.

Tell them about my master's degree.

- I already told them.

- Don't try to move me.

[groans]

Feed it to me.

Mmm.

You know, I know I chastised you just now,

But this has provided me with more excitement and exercise

Than I've had in years.

And I can do this with you, my dear.

- Dad, I know we can do this.

I'm gonna move you to the couch,

And I'm gonna get a ramp and a dolly.

I understand.

- Is my mic still on?

[upbeat techno music]

♪

I'm not an animal.

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- What?

Like, why is everyone so mad at me

That, like, I'm not responding to their emails?

It's, like, overwhelming. Like, what happened here?

- That's weird. I don't have any emails.

- Yeah, brenth, you were supposed to handle, like,

All of our work-related emails as our assistant.

- Yeah. - Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- I'm not, like, a techie.

- Totally. Like, you're a best friend.

- Like, we don't mean to cause, like, friction.

- Maybe I don't, like--

- Oh, my goo-goo.

- Wow! - Hey, guys.

- Look what the dog brought in.

- I think, like, the problem with, like,

Fat dad, dirty house: The curse of cassandra

Is, like, the three elements.

One is, like, the fat dad 'cause that's disgusting,

A dirty house 'cause that's disgusting,

And cassandra, 'cause that's, like, disgusting.

- Maybe she's just here for lunch!

[laughter]

- Hi, guys.

- Oh, hi.

- Actually, um, I brought cupcakes.

- Oh, my god. - Oh, my god, cupcakes.

It must be a special occasion.

- Yeah, like, that it's late 2012,

Because honestly, cassandra,

Cupcakes are out.

Supermarket cakes and doughnuts are in.

And also, [bleep] you.

- Oh, my god, I did get an email.

Yellow head. - Hi.

- Baby bump. - How are you?

- I am moving on to a much better job.

- Like, are you, like, leaving us?

- Like, oh, my god. [squeals]

- Working with you has been like...

[sobbing indistinctly]

- Right!

And, like, I'm pregnant.

Like, this is hard for me.

- Wait, what? - Liz.

- Oh, my god, this is, like, double bombshell.

It's like, where am I, in china during world war I?

- And those people, like, bit it, like, so hard.

Like, honestly--

- This is how I'm gonna remember you.

- Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god, you're, like, so sweet, brenth.

- Bye, brenth. We love you.

- Bye, brenth.

[both sob]

Both: Cassandra!

[phone rings] - answer the [bleep] phone.

- Good afternoon. Publizity.

- It's based off our names.

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- Ladies like themselves some supermarket cake.

And gentlemen seem to not be able

To get enough buffalo wings.

It's crazy.

There's something, I guess, very comforting

About eating that, like, really processed sugar.

But, like, if you ever wanna know

If a woman is not feeling good about herself, mm...

See if she's buying supermarket cake.

- Occupy golf street.

- Whoa, we're so drunk.

- I've had just about enough of this.

- What's up? - I can't stand this anymore.

Just tell me, how much money do I need to throw at this thing

To make it go away?

- Dad, dad, you're gonna be so proud of me.

I got a job.

- Oh, let me guess.

You're sitting in bean bag chairs

In a loft space downtown.

- No, we're actually talking

About the digital revolution every day

And how we can spread it across america and change the world.

But what we need from you

Is just pretty much just, like,

Access to the security codes for shawn bank,

And we'll be, like, set.

- I don't have the time for this.

I'm calling security to have you removed.

- Oh, boy, no don't do that,

'cause then I have to--

There's a magnet in my finger now for my job.

- Would you look at that?

I've got to show this to the boys at the club.

- Okay, daddy.

- Is it just me or is all this father-son stuff

Chubbing you out?

[gentle music]

- [vocalizing]

♪

♪ you'll pave the way ♪

♪ in fact

♪ he loved me first

♪ a love a son deserved

♪ thank you for being my dad ♪

♪ daddy

♪ being my dad

♪ daddy

♪ being my father

- [slow-motion] I'm proud of you, son.

- [slow-motion] thanks, dad.

- ♪ thank you for being my father ♪

- Nothing brings families together

Like finger magnets.

- Ha ha.

- So this is a response to all the haters out there.

President/king obama

And his desire to take away our guns

Is a sign of the apocalypse that is upon us.

So watch yourself.