All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S02E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[dubstep music]

♪

- Gentlemen,
welcome to gigolo house.

10 bedrooms,
1 1/2 bathrooms,

And seven of the longest dongs
in las vegas.

- I gotta couple of dick tricks
to show you jerks.

- When we first walked in
the house,

I was very much impressed
by the caliber

Of those I saw.

Okay, twins, asians,
blacks, whites,

Kids, great.

- Two rules.

Work hard
and play hard,

And no intercourse
in the house.

- Well, brah,
that's three rules.

- Work hard and play hard
is one rule, brah.

It's right there embroidered
on that board.

We did that ourselves.

- Always have things
embroidered, bro.

- Lower your voice.

- What do you wanna do
when you wanna be

Vulnerable with a girl?

How do you connect
with her emotion--

- Whoa.
- Come on, dude.

- Third rule
of the house:

Don't ever show your true self
to anybody.

- Not a problem for me,
bro.

Mask of masculinity.
- All right.

Freaky Friday
date night, usa.

We got six hours
to prepare.

So let's do this.

I'm a prostitute now.

[dubstep music]

♪

- The y.

- Manhattan's
own exclusive club

That anyone
can belong to.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no, no.

- Get outta here!
Get outta here!

Get outta here!
- Get outta here.

They gone?

You have everything?

Well, I had no wallet
to begin with.

So that's okay.

- You know, I love coming
to the "y" with you, george,

'cause you're a great guy.

- Yeah, thanks.

- And there's a few ladies
to ogle.

- Roll our eyes at.
- Yeah, yeah.

But more than anything,
what I love about the y

Is the cultural element.

- Oh, there's always
great guest speakers.

- Yeah, the speaker tonight
is none other

Than miriam moynihan,
who if I remember correctly

Was a student of yours.

- Miriam moynihan.
She was a student of mine

When I was a short story
professor at suny-yonkers.

Ah, miriam.
Wonderful.

I even gave her cough syrup
one night

So she would go to sleep
and I could fondle her.

I mean, I didn't do that.

I did not do that.
- You did not do that.

- Yeah, my lawyer said
you gotta say "did not."

- Oh, one
of these slick lawyers?

I don't wanna put you
on the spot

But let's see what she wrote
about you.

- Let's check
the acknowledgement.

All right here.
Dedication page.

Now, it's just a matter
of reading it.

"for women everywhere..."

There's no
george st. Geegland here.

- What?
- What?

- Huh?

- She left me out
of a whole book.

- That's impossible.
- I'm not mentioned anywhere.

And I was the reason
she became a writer.

- Really?
- Of course, look.

"mother, daughter,
sister, wife."

This is told
from the perspective

Of four different women,
just like my novel

Rifkin's dilemma.
- What was that about?

- It was about a boyhood
of a guy named rifkin.

He jerks off all day long
and I describe it.

It's a unwritten novel.
- It's the same thing!

- It's the same thing.

You've got a lotta nerve
writing a book

And not thanking me
and then coming to my "y"

And giving a speech about it
in front of my friends

And gil faizon?

Oh, I'm gonna ruin
her speech today.

- [laughs]

- We're gonna cap off our day
at the "y"

With one of
my classic incidents

Where I make a woman cry.

- John, how--how's it going
talking like yourself?

- It's going okay.

I'm having trouble shaking
"oh, hello" voice.

- Yeah, it's much more
comfortable in there, isn't it?

- I feel much more comfortable
talking like this.

- Where you from, john?
- I'm from chicago, illinois.

- You--what's
your racial background?

- My racial background
is irish-catholic.

- So why is it that you act
like a jew from the '70s?

Why do you seem
most comfortable...

- It's my most
comfortable mode.

- Yo, what's up, tv?
I'm c-czar.

Blap, blap, blap!

I'm about to become
a teenage dad.

Do I have what it takes?

Find out on today's
dad academy.

[mimics explosion]

[child babbles indistinctly]

- Okay.

- Met a farmer
in the tractor.

And he met the--
- straight-up.

I know you got a suit on
and you tricked everybody else.

But I know you a baby.
- Oh, that's good.

- But I'm excited to be
a daddy.

Who's my expert today?
Where he at, kid?

- My name's patty.

I'm a mother
and a social worker.

And I'm optimistic about working
with c-czar today.

Hey, c-czar.
I'm patty.

Welcome to dad academy.
- It's sure nice.

Another boy, finally.
- I'm not a boy.

I'm a woman.
- Oh, okay.

I'm a woman, too.
Ooh, touch my vagina.

Touch my vagina.
- I'm not gonna do that.

This is a standard-issue
psychological testing doll.

And this is what c-czar's
gonna be working with today.

- What the [bleep] is that?
- This--

- Is that anderson cooper?

- Why would you think
this was anderson cooper?

- 'cause he's white
and he's got flaxen hair.

- He's white?
- Yeah, that baby's white.

- A father needs to spend
a lot of time with his child.

- No.

- No?

- No!

- Okay, you're gonna be
in this room for four hours.

- I don't want that baby!
- Do you wanna be a good father?

- No, I don't wanna be
a good father.

- Do you wish you had
a good father?

- Yeah.

- This is gonna be your baby
for the day,

And you're gonna spend some real
quality time with it, okay?

For c-czar,
I knew that four hours

Was a long time.

- ♪ yeah

- Everything's bolted down
in here.

I can't get [bleep] out.

I'm charles manson.

I'm charles manson.

I was, like, mad angry
at everything.

Why don't
you stop smilin'?

If you a real baby,
you'd be cryin',

Fillin' your ass
with [bleep].

What is infinity?

'cause that's what this
feels like.

- It's been two hours,

And I'm really proud
of c-czar.

We're halfway home.

- Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep].

Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep].

Chicken head.
Bitch ass chicken head.

In hour three,
I was just exhausted,

Emotionally drained.

- You're holdin' me
back, baby.

You're the only one
who understands

What I'm going through,
and yet you're the one

Who caused this nightmare,
baby.

In hour four,
I fell in love with my son.

- C-czar?
- Get the [bleep] away from me.

- C-czar, it's me, patty.

Congratulations.

You can give that right back
to me now.

- Why would I give you
my baby?

- Well, it's not a real baby,
of course.

- Oh, you're gonna say that
to his face?

- That's not a real--
- what is this, "pinocchilo"?

- I'm not calling
the baby "pinocchlio."

I'm saying that why don't
you give that baby

A big old hug
and give it on back to me, okay?

- Okay.
[inhales]

[blows raspberry]
ow!

It's stuck to my lip ring!
Don't--get away from me!

Get away from me!
This baby's--

- C-czar, don't move.
- Ahh!

- Ooh, well, he did it,

And I couldn't be prouder
of him.

Four entire hours,

And it seems
like this challenge

Has been accomplished.

- Good work.
- Oh, snap.

Did I pass?
- Happy [babbling].

[laughs]

- All right,
freaky Friday date night, usa.

Download me.
Who, what, where?

- That's right.
Return customer, couple.

- Okay.
[groans]

You know,
I like the feinsteins.

They're pretty fun.

If they wanna pay me
to have sex,

Uh, that's a fun night.

- I didn't have
a date yet.

I was very much embarrassed
about that.

- I notice everybody else
is talking

About the date
they have tonight,

But you haven't said
what you're doing tonight.

- You know,
I'm more discretionary.

So, you know--

- You wanna live
in this house,

You gotta [bleep]
for money.

- Get ready to rock it!
[cheering]

All: Let's go
[bleep] for money.

Let's go
[bleep] for money.

Let's go
[bleep] for money.

[cheering]

- I needed a date so badly
that I called

Someone I had promised
I would never call again.

How would you be interested
in a date with me?

- Wow, bobby.
- No doubt.

- After, like,
where we left things...

Wow!

- Obviously, we've had trouble
with love.

- Yes.
- Okay?

So why don't we take
that love

Into a more
professional mannerisms?

- Oh, we're talking about
pay to stay?

- Yeah, I'm talking about
working hard

In addition to
as well as playing hard.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's crazy, bobby.

Wow.
Yes.

You know, I'm interested.

- I don't want
any mistake

About what's about
to happen.

- I know exactly
what's gonna happen.

I'ma meet up with you,
get this money--

- You right.
- And then go on about my day.

- Yeah, you gonna get
that money,

And then meet up
with me.

And then, it's just gonna
be on, right?

- Yes, absolutely.
- Right?

A day with bobby bottleservice
doesn't come free.

Some of us were put on
this earth to pound [bleep].

- On the occasion
of a rare occasion

When the mail can't get there
soon enough,

Stamps presents
live letter, bro.

- Sweetie, is that you?
- Aw, look at that.

- Yeah, mom, I didn't receive
the recipe you sent.

- I sent it days ago.
- Aw.

- Party's tonight.
- It's two eggs.

Throw in some flour, and...
- Oh, cool.

- You beat it
with one of these.

- Nice.
- Will this work?

- She's got one too.
- You bet it will.

- Everyone prefers a personal
touch of a letter.

But sometimes,
life can't wait, bro.

- Welcome to our humble
whorehouse abode.

- Yo, what are you doing
in here?

- Oh, hey.

Weren't you supposed to be
on a date?

- That's right.

I got a date
with a model,

An architectural model.

- Oh, cool.

These guys, I told them they
couldn't have sex in the house,

And then it became
forbidden fruit, so...

- These models
are my forbidden fruit.

I wanna be an architect, man.
- That's cool, man.

I'm glad you're passionate
about something

Besides jackhammer
[bleep] girls.

- I don't tell nobody
that [bleep].

I can't take the pranks
and the teasing.

- I'll never let
anyone know

Your totally
respectable secret.

- 'cause you know what's gonna
happen if they find out.

- Yeah.

You'll get fired
from being a whore

And instead have to pursue
a career in architecture?

- It's hard to look
at this baked potato

When I got such a sweet potato
in front of me.

[both chuckle]

- You're funny still.
That's good.

- The date was off
to a great start.

- Thanks for taking me out.

- Nah, thank you
for taking me out.

[both laugh]

I feel like implicitly,
you understand me...

- Uh-huh.

- Because, like,
you're on the same level.

- Wait, say that again.

- Other people aren't
on the same level.

- Yeah. Can I ask you
a question?

- You can ask me anything
you want.

- Do you date me tonight
for money like we discussed?

- I'm sorry, what?

- Like, not to mess up
your dinner

Or, like, the vibe
of what's happening right now,

But you definitely did
straight-up offer

To pay me for sex.

- No.

- And dinner's included.

- Sweetheart, let me tell you

How it's gonna go down
right now, okay?

I'm a gigolo now.

I live in
a gigolo house

With a number
of other cool dudes, okay?

It's date night,
usa tonight.

I decided
that I would grant you

With my permission
to be the girl

That would pay me very much
for sex tonight

Because I, my friend,
am a gigolo.

- Then I'm a gigolo
too, bobby.

- Pssh.

You're not a gigolo.

Farley, you're a prostitute.

- [laughs]

Ah, ha, ha.

Say that [bleep] again.
- You're a prostitute.

- What the [bleep], man?
I can't take it.

You don't get it, stupid.

No, I was not satisfied
with bobby's so-called services.

Stick to what
you do best:

Hanging out
with your mom.

- Oh.
Ooh.

Mm.
[groans]

- What...The...[bleep]?

Peter, I said
no [bleep]ing in the house.

- Chill out, eagle wing.

- Hammer, what are
you doing there?

And what are you playing
with, toys?

- Shh.
- You're gonna shush me?

- Good-bye. I'm moving out
to pursue my passion.

I hope that one day
you all look around

And realize you're having sex
in a house that I built.

Look out, world.
Here come the hammer.

- Fine, you'll be back!

You'll be back, hammer!

- What are you doing,
eagle wing?

We just lost
an amazing gigolo.

You know why?
'cause of your teasin'.

I mean, who died and made you
the king of gigolo house?

- If you got a problem
with who's in charge

Of this house,
you can take it up with me.

I am in the bedroom
at the top of the stairs.

- Oh, I know
where your bedroom is

'cause it smells like
clown makeup and spaghetti.

- Not tonight
it doesn't, bro,

Because just like
my fingers,

It smells like
your mom's [bleep].

- [inhales]

- Yeah.
- No!

- [laughs]

Gigolo auditions tomorrow.

Spread the word.

- One time when I was
in elementary school,

I-I told everyone
that I was in judo class

With my brothers.

And my brother matt
was in the same school.

And--and--
and I used to pretend

That I know judo...
- Uh-huh.

- And like blocks
and throws.

And my brother came into class
to deliver something.

And everyone was like,
"is john in judo?"

And he was like, "no."

And I was like,
"nah, ha.

I'm in swimming."
[both laugh]

- I'm still so steamed
about this.

I can't stand it,

My former student
ripping me off.

- This is b.S.E.

This is what gets me so steamed
about this book

Like a piece
of limp broccoli.

- Absolutely.

- Well, let's enjoy
our day at the beach.

Both: Oh, hello.

- You want a piece
of pecan?

- Don't swim on
a full stomach.

You'll die.

- Oh, sweetheart.
[puckers lips]

- Eat the popcorn.
- Quack, quack, quack.

- Pecan for you, baby.

- Pecan, little pecan.
[both making kissing sounds]

- Ugh, you know what a woman
likes to be treated like

Is a duck.

- Is a mallard, exactly.

- You want yogurt pretzels?
- Oh, I'd love a yogurt pretzel.

I'm glad we stole them
from that big jar.

- You know what, though?
Maybe we should wash that down.

- Oh, you brought wine.

- I brought white wine
in a bag.

- One of the best movies
I ever went to sleep during

Was sideways.

- Hey, guys.
- Have some wine--oh, hey.

Oh, hello.
- Hey.

How are you?
Is that wine in there?

- No.
- Okay.

- It's a...

- It's urine.
- Okay.

Well, if you do,
and you wanna sit here,

Just no snacks
if that's okay.

And no wine--
- we don't have snacks and wine.

So I don't know
what you mean.

And we certainly
don't have cocaine.

- Can you guys just
move back, please?

Like, just--
- come on.

- I mean, you guys
are also throwing

I think some of this popcorn
into the pool, and you're--

- She was trying to lure
some of those duckies in there.

- Oh, by the way,
I left a lit cigarette

In the wastebasket

In the women's room.
- What?

- If you see it,
could you bring it to me?

I want to drag menthol.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Oh.

Oh.
Ooh.

Look what he left.

Uh, yeah.

Everybody, you know,
take off their tops.

- [laughs]

- Gentlemen, today
we're holding auditions

For a new member
here at gigolo house

To replace hammer,
all right?

First candidate.
Let's go!

- Bro, straight-up
man-to-man question:

Are you an architect?

- Yes.
- Next candidate!

- Your wife and you hired
peter to [bleep]?

- I mean, yeah,
that's a spin on it, sure.

- You can be, like, a weirdo guy
in the crew.

- Favorite
fast and the furious movie.

- Uh, 2 fast 2 furious.

- Wrong. Fast five.
Next!

- I'm getting silhouette.
- ♪ whoa, ooh, whoa

- Hi.
I'm farley.

- Let me ask you a question,
farley.

- What, bobby? What?

- Okay, fine,
you wanna start with me

Right now
in front of everybody?

- It's not
all about you, bobby.

- Stupid, bobby.

- This is about
this beautiful specimen

That wants to be
a gigolette.

- I wanna be
a straight-up gigolo.

That's what
I'm talking about.

I wanna be like
one of you.

I grew up
with many brothers.

And, like, I watched them
[bleep] their girlfriends

Through a keyhole.

And I was like,
"I know what they like

And I know what men need."

- Before we get any further,
do you have a resume for us?

- Um, I think
I brought my resume...

- Okay.
- And it's right here.

- Where?
- So basically,

If you don't see a resume

In front of you
right now,

Then you're basically
majorly tripping.

- Many women are looking
to lock down a husband,

Somebody real, a boyfriend.

Are you looking for nothing
but casual sex,

A cycle of nonstop [bleep]
in your holes?

- I'm comfortable with that
very much so.

There's absolutely nobody
in my life

That I ever would have
feelings for ever again

'cause I'm [bleep]ing done
with feelings.

- Really?
- And right now,

From what I've been through,

I'm basically like a machine
at this point.

- What are you
talking about?

- Ugh, you ruin everything
I try to do.

Whenever I try
to make something of myself,

It's like you're right there
trying to cut me down.

- I just wanna build you up.

- What?
- I just wanna build you up.

- Bobby, no one can hear you
when you cryin'

90% of the time.

- I don't cry.
- He cries a lot.

- Nonstop.

It's like little boy blue
or some [bleep].

- Okay, I think
we've heard enough.

You embody
all of the attributes

That it takes to be
a gigolo.

She is beautiful,
she is intelligent,

And she is good to go
sexually.

Welcome to gigolo house.

- [giggles]
[applause]

Thank you.
- No, bro, veto, bro.

- So then bobby
starts saying

Like what I can
and cannot do

Bein' that I am a woman.

How about hullary clinton?

- Bro, if there weren't
a gigolo code,

I would straight-up
punch you in the--

- Bro, I don't give a [bleep]
about the code.

I will end you.

- How about you forget
the code

And just hit him
in his stupid face?

- I will end you.

- I drove 500 miles for
my mother's sweet potato pie.

The first 375
were no problem.

125 miles on highway 79.

My mother and me--

- Ma'am.
- Hello.

- Ahem, hem, hem, hem, hem.

- Uh--
- uh, clearing phlegm.

- We're gonna do a q-and-a
right afterwards.

- Let's get
to brass tacks, sweetie.

- Did you just
call me "sweetie"?

- The other word
I was gonna use for you

Is a little more harsh,
and that's "plagiarist."

- A plagiarist?
Of whom?

- George st. Geegland.

- George zuh-glee-lan?

- Suny-yonkers?
1986?

- Yes?
- I taught short story writing.

- He's a short story professor.

- We're all familiar with
rifkin's dilemma,

The great unwritten novel.

- You had the miata?

- I once pretended
that I owned a miata

So that you would come
close enough

That I could rub up
against you.

And I want you to know
I still use that memory.

- Wonderful. I would like
to continue reading.

- Miriam, in your next novel,

You don't have to
dedicate it to me

And you don't have to name me
in the acknowledgements.

All I ask is that you would
name the main character

George st. Geegland
as a little wink to yours truly.

- [clicks tongue]

This next part
of the book

Is written in
a text message conversation.

- Come with me, please?
- No, it's fine.

We're good with her now.

- You guys are not members
here anymore, okay?

I checked.

You haven't paid your dues
since 1984.

- Will you accept
a $1,000 bill with alf on it?

- Chelsea, we've known
each other

For quite some time.
- Yes.

- Early open mics.
- We used to do open mics.

- So there would be
people like chelsea, who are--

- Geniuses.
- A genius.

One of the greats,
as she was--

- Just an instant natural,
always killing.

Then there was
those like nick,

Going up--
- I had to work

A little harder at it.
- The sweat

And just panic
in the eyes.

And people were just
standing os,

'cause they were so relieved
it was over.

[dubstep music]

- I will end you!

- Hey, you hit him
in the mouth.

That's the second
most important sex tool.

- Oops.
[giggles]

- Look at what
she just made you do, bro.

What happened to camaraderie?

What happened
to loyalty, bro?

- What's up, gigolos?
- Hammer time!

- Apparently you gotta
go to school

To be at the top
of the architect game, so...

I ain't tryin' to do that.

My passion will always be

In constructing
beautiful buildings.

But my heart...
Will always be in my balls.

- Dude, that's the most
beautiful thing, like,

I've ever heard, bro.

What's up, bro?

You smell good as hell.
- Oh, you know.

- Bobby,
I owe you an apology.

I should never have hit you
like that.

I'm hard on you,

Because I see
a lot of myself in you.

- That's all I want
for me and for you--

- I love you.
- I love you too, bro.

- You're the heir apparent
to gigolo house.

- [exhales]

That's a lot
of responsibility, bro.

- I think we learned
an important lesson here today.

Yes, a female
can become a gigolo.

But farley,
it is not you.

You came in here
and you made me

Turn against my brother.

So as a result,
I'm going to have to ask you

To get the [bleep] out
of gigolo house.

- Oh, really?
[giggles]

[bleep] you, and all of you
are stupid and look dumb.

Your pool
is full of fecal matter.

- Farley, call me.

- Yes, call me,
of course, later.

- Yo, sorry about
the pool, guys.

That was me.

- Ha ha.

- If we welcomed you
into the house...

- Yeah.
- On the one condition

That you have sex with everybody
in the house but bobby...

- That's not a problem.
I can do that

In, like, two seconds.

- Even gay trey?
- Which one's that?

'cause you all, like,
no offense, all seem gay to me.

That's one?