Original subtitles

[dubstep music]

♪

- Gentlemen, welcome to gigolo house.

10 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms,

And seven of the longest dongs in las vegas.

- I gotta couple of dick tricks to show you jerks.

- When we first walked in the house,

I was very much impressed by the caliber

Of those I saw.

Okay, twins, asians, blacks, whites,

Kids, great.

- Two rules.

Work hard and play hard,

And no intercourse in the house.

- Well, brah, that's three rules.

- Work hard and play hard is one rule, brah.

It's right there embroidered on that board.

We did that ourselves.

- Always have things embroidered, bro.

- Lower your voice.

- What do you wanna do when you wanna be

Vulnerable with a girl?

How do you connect with her emotion--

- Whoa. - Come on, dude.

- Third rule of the house:

Don't ever show your true self to anybody.

- Not a problem for me, bro.

Mask of masculinity. - All right.

Freaky Friday date night, usa.

We got six hours to prepare.

So let's do this.

I'm a prostitute now.

[dubstep music]

♪

- The y.

- Manhattan's own exclusive club

That anyone can belong to.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.

- Get outta here! Get outta here!

Get outta here! - Get outta here.

They gone?

You have everything?

Well, I had no wallet to begin with.

So that's okay.

- You know, I love coming to the "y" with you, george,

'cause you're a great guy.

- Yeah, thanks.

- And there's a few ladies to ogle.

- Roll our eyes at. - Yeah, yeah.

But more than anything, what I love about the y

Is the cultural element.

- Oh, there's always great guest speakers.

- Yeah, the speaker tonight is none other

Than miriam moynihan, who if I remember correctly

Was a student of yours.

- Miriam moynihan. She was a student of mine

When I was a short story professor at suny-yonkers.

Ah, miriam. Wonderful.

I even gave her cough syrup one night

So she would go to sleep and I could fondle her.

I mean, I didn't do that.

I did not do that. - You did not do that.

- Yeah, my lawyer said you gotta say "did not."

- Oh, one of these slick lawyers?

I don't wanna put you on the spot

But let's see what she wrote about you.

- Let's check the acknowledgement.

All right here. Dedication page.

Now, it's just a matter of reading it.

"for women everywhere..."

There's no george st. Geegland here.

- What? - What?

- Huh?

- She left me out of a whole book.

- That's impossible. - I'm not mentioned anywhere.

And I was the reason she became a writer.

- Really? - Of course, look.

"mother, daughter, sister, wife."

This is told from the perspective

Of four different women, just like my novel

Rifkin's dilemma. - What was that about?

- It was about a boyhood of a guy named rifkin.

He jerks off all day long and I describe it.

It's a unwritten novel. - It's the same thing!

- It's the same thing.

You've got a lotta nerve writing a book

And not thanking me and then coming to my "y"

And giving a speech about it in front of my friends

And gil faizon?

Oh, I'm gonna ruin her speech today.

- [laughs]

- We're gonna cap off our day at the "y"

With one of my classic incidents

Where I make a woman cry.

- John, how--how's it going talking like yourself?

- It's going okay.

I'm having trouble shaking "oh, hello" voice.

- Yeah, it's much more comfortable in there, isn't it?

- I feel much more comfortable talking like this.

- Where you from, john? - I'm from chicago, illinois.

- You--what's your racial background?

- My racial background is irish-catholic.

- So why is it that you act like a jew from the '70s?

Why do you seem most comfortable...

- It's my most comfortable mode.

- Yo, what's up, tv? I'm c-czar.

Blap, blap, blap!

I'm about to become a teenage dad.

Do I have what it takes?

Find out on today's dad academy.

[mimics explosion]

[child babbles indistinctly]

- Okay.

- Met a farmer in the tractor.

And he met the-- - straight-up.

I know you got a suit on and you tricked everybody else.

But I know you a baby. - Oh, that's good.

- But I'm excited to be a daddy.

Who's my expert today? Where he at, kid?

- My name's patty.

I'm a mother and a social worker.

And I'm optimistic about working with c-czar today.

Hey, c-czar. I'm patty.

Welcome to dad academy. - It's sure nice.

Another boy, finally. - I'm not a boy.

I'm a woman. - Oh, okay.

I'm a woman, too. Ooh, touch my vagina.

Touch my vagina. - I'm not gonna do that.

This is a standard-issue psychological testing doll.

And this is what c-czar's gonna be working with today.

- What the [bleep] is that? - This--

- Is that anderson cooper?

- Why would you think this was anderson cooper?

- 'cause he's white and he's got flaxen hair.

- He's white? - Yeah, that baby's white.

- A father needs to spend a lot of time with his child.

- No.

- No?

- No!

- Okay, you're gonna be in this room for four hours.

- I don't want that baby! - Do you wanna be a good father?

- No, I don't wanna be a good father.

- Do you wish you had a good father?

- Yeah.

- This is gonna be your baby for the day,

And you're gonna spend some real quality time with it, okay?

For c-czar, I knew that four hours

Was a long time.

- ♪ yeah

- Everything's bolted down in here.

I can't get [bleep] out.

I'm charles manson.

I'm charles manson.

I was, like, mad angry at everything.

Why don't you stop smilin'?

If you a real baby, you'd be cryin',

Fillin' your ass with [bleep].

What is infinity?

'cause that's what this feels like.

- It's been two hours,

And I'm really proud of c-czar.

We're halfway home.

- Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].

Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].

Chicken head. Bitch ass chicken head.

In hour three, I was just exhausted,

Emotionally drained.

- You're holdin' me back, baby.

You're the only one who understands

What I'm going through, and yet you're the one

Who caused this nightmare, baby.

In hour four, I fell in love with my son.

- C-czar? - Get the [bleep] away from me.

- C-czar, it's me, patty.

Congratulations.

You can give that right back to me now.

- Why would I give you my baby?

- Well, it's not a real baby, of course.

- Oh, you're gonna say that to his face?

- That's not a real-- - what is this, "pinocchilo"?

- I'm not calling the baby "pinocchlio."

I'm saying that why don't you give that baby

A big old hug and give it on back to me, okay?

- Okay. [inhales]

[blows raspberry] ow!

It's stuck to my lip ring! Don't--get away from me!

Get away from me! This baby's--

- C-czar, don't move. - Ahh!

- Ooh, well, he did it,

And I couldn't be prouder of him.

Four entire hours,

And it seems like this challenge

Has been accomplished.

- Good work. - Oh, snap.

Did I pass? - Happy [babbling].

[laughs]

- All right, freaky Friday date night, usa.

Download me. Who, what, where?

- That's right. Return customer, couple.

- Okay. [groans]

You know, I like the feinsteins.

They're pretty fun.

If they wanna pay me to have sex,

Uh, that's a fun night.

- I didn't have a date yet.

I was very much embarrassed about that.

- I notice everybody else is talking

About the date they have tonight,

But you haven't said what you're doing tonight.

- You know, I'm more discretionary.

So, you know--

- You wanna live in this house,

You gotta [bleep] for money.

- Get ready to rock it! [cheering]

All: Let's go [bleep] for money.

Let's go [bleep] for money.

Let's go [bleep] for money.

[cheering]

- I needed a date so badly that I called

Someone I had promised I would never call again.

How would you be interested in a date with me?

- Wow, bobby. - No doubt.

- After, like, where we left things...

Wow!

- Obviously, we've had trouble with love.

- Yes. - Okay?

So why don't we take that love

Into a more professional mannerisms?

- Oh, we're talking about pay to stay?

- Yeah, I'm talking about working hard

In addition to as well as playing hard.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's crazy, bobby.

Wow. Yes.

You know, I'm interested.

- I don't want any mistake

About what's about to happen.

- I know exactly what's gonna happen.

I'ma meet up with you, get this money--

- You right. - And then go on about my day.

- Yeah, you gonna get that money,

And then meet up with me.

And then, it's just gonna be on, right?

- Yes, absolutely. - Right?

A day with bobby bottleservice doesn't come free.

Some of us were put on this earth to pound [bleep].

- On the occasion of a rare occasion

When the mail can't get there soon enough,

Stamps presents live letter, bro.

- Sweetie, is that you? - Aw, look at that.

- Yeah, mom, I didn't receive the recipe you sent.

- I sent it days ago. - Aw.

- Party's tonight. - It's two eggs.

Throw in some flour, and... - Oh, cool.

- You beat it with one of these.

- Nice. - Will this work?

- She's got one too. - You bet it will.

- Everyone prefers a personal touch of a letter.

But sometimes, life can't wait, bro.

- Welcome to our humble whorehouse abode.

- Yo, what are you doing in here?

- Oh, hey.

Weren't you supposed to be on a date?

- That's right.

I got a date with a model,

An architectural model.

- Oh, cool.

These guys, I told them they couldn't have sex in the house,

And then it became forbidden fruit, so...

- These models are my forbidden fruit.

I wanna be an architect, man. - That's cool, man.

I'm glad you're passionate about something

Besides jackhammer [bleep] girls.

- I don't tell nobody that [bleep].

I can't take the pranks and the teasing.

- I'll never let anyone know

Your totally respectable secret.

- 'cause you know what's gonna happen if they find out.

- Yeah.

You'll get fired from being a whore

And instead have to pursue a career in architecture?

- It's hard to look at this baked potato

When I got such a sweet potato in front of me.

[both chuckle]

- You're funny still. That's good.

- The date was off to a great start.

- Thanks for taking me out.

- Nah, thank you for taking me out.

[both laugh]

I feel like implicitly, you understand me...

- Uh-huh.

- Because, like, you're on the same level.

- Wait, say that again.

- Other people aren't on the same level.

- Yeah. Can I ask you a question?

- You can ask me anything you want.

- Do you date me tonight for money like we discussed?

- I'm sorry, what?

- Like, not to mess up your dinner

Or, like, the vibe of what's happening right now,

But you definitely did straight-up offer

To pay me for sex.

- No.

- And dinner's included.

- Sweetheart, let me tell you

How it's gonna go down right now, okay?

I'm a gigolo now.

I live in a gigolo house

With a number of other cool dudes, okay?

It's date night, usa tonight.

I decided that I would grant you

With my permission to be the girl

That would pay me very much for sex tonight

Because I, my friend, am a gigolo.

- Then I'm a gigolo too, bobby.

- Pssh.

You're not a gigolo.

Farley, you're a prostitute.

- [laughs]

Ah, ha, ha.

Say that [bleep] again. - You're a prostitute.

- What the [bleep], man? I can't take it.

You don't get it, stupid.

No, I was not satisfied with bobby's so-called services.

Stick to what you do best:

Hanging out with your mom.

- Oh. Ooh.

Mm. [groans]

- What...The...[bleep]?

Peter, I said no [bleep]ing in the house.

- Chill out, eagle wing.

- Hammer, what are you doing there?

And what are you playing with, toys?

- Shh. - You're gonna shush me?

- Good-bye. I'm moving out to pursue my passion.

I hope that one day you all look around

And realize you're having sex in a house that I built.

Look out, world. Here come the hammer.

- Fine, you'll be back!

You'll be back, hammer!

- What are you doing, eagle wing?

We just lost an amazing gigolo.

You know why? 'cause of your teasin'.

I mean, who died and made you the king of gigolo house?

- If you got a problem with who's in charge

Of this house, you can take it up with me.

I am in the bedroom at the top of the stairs.

- Oh, I know where your bedroom is

'cause it smells like clown makeup and spaghetti.

- Not tonight it doesn't, bro,

Because just like my fingers,

It smells like your mom's [bleep].

- [inhales]

- Yeah. - No!

- [laughs]

Gigolo auditions tomorrow.

Spread the word.

- One time when I was in elementary school,

I-I told everyone that I was in judo class

With my brothers.

And my brother matt was in the same school.

And--and-- and I used to pretend

That I know judo... - Uh-huh.

- And like blocks and throws.

And my brother came into class to deliver something.

And everyone was like, "is john in judo?"

And he was like, "no."

And I was like, "nah, ha.

I'm in swimming." [both laugh]

- I'm still so steamed about this.

I can't stand it,

My former student ripping me off.

- This is b.S.E.

This is what gets me so steamed about this book

Like a piece of limp broccoli.

- Absolutely.

- Well, let's enjoy our day at the beach.

Both: Oh, hello.

- You want a piece of pecan?

- Don't swim on a full stomach.

You'll die.

- Oh, sweetheart. [puckers lips]

- Eat the popcorn. - Quack, quack, quack.

- Pecan for you, baby.

- Pecan, little pecan. [both making kissing sounds]

- Ugh, you know what a woman likes to be treated like

Is a duck.

- Is a mallard, exactly.

- You want yogurt pretzels? - Oh, I'd love a yogurt pretzel.

I'm glad we stole them from that big jar.

- You know what, though? Maybe we should wash that down.

- Oh, you brought wine.

- I brought white wine in a bag.

- One of the best movies I ever went to sleep during

Was sideways.

- Hey, guys. - Have some wine--oh, hey.

Oh, hello. - Hey.

How are you? Is that wine in there?

- No. - Okay.

- It's a...

- It's urine. - Okay.

Well, if you do, and you wanna sit here,

Just no snacks if that's okay.

And no wine-- - we don't have snacks and wine.

So I don't know what you mean.

And we certainly don't have cocaine.

- Can you guys just move back, please?

Like, just-- - come on.

- I mean, you guys are also throwing

I think some of this popcorn into the pool, and you're--

- She was trying to lure some of those duckies in there.

- Oh, by the way, I left a lit cigarette

In the wastebasket

In the women's room. - What?

- If you see it, could you bring it to me?

I want to drag menthol. - Okay.

- Okay. - Oh.

Oh. Ooh.

Look what he left.

Uh, yeah.

Everybody, you know, take off their tops.

- [laughs]

- Gentlemen, today we're holding auditions

For a new member here at gigolo house

To replace hammer, all right?

First candidate. Let's go!

- Bro, straight-up man-to-man question:

Are you an architect?

- Yes. - Next candidate!

- Your wife and you hired peter to [bleep]?

- I mean, yeah, that's a spin on it, sure.

- You can be, like, a weirdo guy in the crew.

- Favorite fast and the furious movie.

- Uh, 2 fast 2 furious.

- Wrong. Fast five. Next!

- I'm getting silhouette. - ♪ whoa, ooh, whoa

- Hi. I'm farley.

- Let me ask you a question, farley.

- What, bobby? What?

- Okay, fine, you wanna start with me

Right now in front of everybody?

- It's not all about you, bobby.

- Stupid, bobby.

- This is about this beautiful specimen

That wants to be a gigolette.

- I wanna be a straight-up gigolo.

That's what I'm talking about.

I wanna be like one of you.

I grew up with many brothers.

And, like, I watched them [bleep] their girlfriends

Through a keyhole.

And I was like, "I know what they like

And I know what men need."

- Before we get any further, do you have a resume for us?

- Um, I think I brought my resume...

- Okay. - And it's right here.

- Where? - So basically,

If you don't see a resume

In front of you right now,

Then you're basically majorly tripping.

- Many women are looking to lock down a husband,

Somebody real, a boyfriend.

Are you looking for nothing but casual sex,

A cycle of nonstop [bleep] in your holes?

- I'm comfortable with that very much so.

There's absolutely nobody in my life

That I ever would have feelings for ever again

'cause I'm [bleep]ing done with feelings.

- Really? - And right now,

From what I've been through,

I'm basically like a machine at this point.

- What are you talking about?

- Ugh, you ruin everything I try to do.

Whenever I try to make something of myself,

It's like you're right there trying to cut me down.

- I just wanna build you up.

- What? - I just wanna build you up.

- Bobby, no one can hear you when you cryin'

90% of the time.

- I don't cry. - He cries a lot.

- Nonstop.

It's like little boy blue or some [bleep].

- Okay, I think we've heard enough.

You embody all of the attributes

That it takes to be a gigolo.

She is beautiful, she is intelligent,

And she is good to go sexually.

Welcome to gigolo house.

- [giggles] [applause]

Thank you. - No, bro, veto, bro.

- So then bobby starts saying

Like what I can and cannot do

Bein' that I am a woman.

How about hullary clinton?

- Bro, if there weren't a gigolo code,

I would straight-up punch you in the--

- Bro, I don't give a [bleep] about the code.

I will end you.

- How about you forget the code

And just hit him in his stupid face?

- I will end you.

- I drove 500 miles for my mother's sweet potato pie.

The first 375 were no problem.

125 miles on highway 79.

My mother and me--

- Ma'am. - Hello.

- Ahem, hem, hem, hem, hem.

- Uh-- - uh, clearing phlegm.

- We're gonna do a q-and-a right afterwards.

- Let's get to brass tacks, sweetie.

- Did you just call me "sweetie"?

- The other word I was gonna use for you

Is a little more harsh, and that's "plagiarist."

- A plagiarist? Of whom?

- George st. Geegland.

- George zuh-glee-lan?

- Suny-yonkers? 1986?

- Yes? - I taught short story writing.

- He's a short story professor.

- We're all familiar with rifkin's dilemma,

The great unwritten novel.

- You had the miata?

- I once pretended that I owned a miata

So that you would come close enough

That I could rub up against you.

And I want you to know I still use that memory.

- Wonderful. I would like to continue reading.

- Miriam, in your next novel,

You don't have to dedicate it to me

And you don't have to name me in the acknowledgements.

All I ask is that you would name the main character

George st. Geegland as a little wink to yours truly.

- [clicks tongue]

This next part of the book

Is written in a text message conversation.

- Come with me, please? - No, it's fine.

We're good with her now.

- You guys are not members here anymore, okay?

I checked.

You haven't paid your dues since 1984.

- Will you accept a $1,000 bill with alf on it?

- Chelsea, we've known each other

For quite some time. - Yes.

- Early open mics. - We used to do open mics.

- So there would be people like chelsea, who are--

- Geniuses. - A genius.

One of the greats, as she was--

- Just an instant natural, always killing.

Then there was those like nick,

Going up-- - I had to work

A little harder at it. - The sweat

And just panic in the eyes.

And people were just standing os,

'cause they were so relieved it was over.

[dubstep music]

- I will end you!

- Hey, you hit him in the mouth.

That's the second most important sex tool.

- Oops. [giggles]

- Look at what she just made you do, bro.

What happened to camaraderie?

What happened to loyalty, bro?

- What's up, gigolos? - Hammer time!

- Apparently you gotta go to school

To be at the top of the architect game, so...

I ain't tryin' to do that.

My passion will always be

In constructing beautiful buildings.

But my heart... Will always be in my balls.

- Dude, that's the most beautiful thing, like,

I've ever heard, bro.

What's up, bro?

You smell good as hell. - Oh, you know.

- Bobby, I owe you an apology.

I should never have hit you like that.

I'm hard on you,

Because I see a lot of myself in you.

- That's all I want for me and for you--

- I love you. - I love you too, bro.

- You're the heir apparent to gigolo house.

- [exhales]

That's a lot of responsibility, bro.

- I think we learned an important lesson here today.

Yes, a female can become a gigolo.

But farley, it is not you.

You came in here and you made me

Turn against my brother.

So as a result, I'm going to have to ask you

To get the [bleep] out of gigolo house.

- Oh, really? [giggles]

[bleep] you, and all of you are stupid and look dumb.

Your pool is full of fecal matter.

- Farley, call me.

- Yes, call me, of course, later.

- Yo, sorry about the pool, guys.

That was me.

- Ha ha.

- If we welcomed you into the house...

- Yeah. - On the one condition

That you have sex with everybody in the house but bobby...

- That's not a problem. I can do that

In, like, two seconds.

- Even gay trey? - Which one's that?

'cause you all, like, no offense, all seem gay to me.

That's one?