Original subtitles

- I'm not here to make friends.

- I ain't gonna make one friend.

- I'm just here to win. I'm not here to make friends.

- Okay.

- No.

You're here to make friends.

Making friends is the name of this show.

- ♪ you and me forever

- Okay, I got to look out for number one.

- Okay, that's not true.

You would lose if you look out for number one.

- Hey, look, dude, that's your opinion.

- Does anybody know what we're doing here?

- I locked down plans, chicks, guys.

You know, I didn't even know this was a competition.

Just saw a sign for making friends

And thought that would be cool.

- You see, this would be a good time to make a friend.

- I'm jeff, by the way. Jeff.

- How are you? - Oh.

- Jeff. Hey.

Jeff. How are you?

- If anyone will be friends with jeff,

They will-- they will win a point.

- I'll make an alliance with jeff.

- Great.

- But I will stab him in the back.

- That's your prerogative. Either way, we had a friendship.

- Does anyone go for a light lunch with jeff?

- Chicken salad.

- This network will give you 1 million cash dollars.

A lot of nos. - Yeah, what about taxes?

- I'll pay 'em.

Look, let me just say, you know,

Even though I got voted off first,

I feel like I made friends for a lifetime.

- ♪ you and me forever - [whistling]

[dubstep music]

♪

- Here's my impression of you. - Mm-hmm.

- John mulaney's a really good friend of mine.

- [laughs]

Not bad. - Yeah.

Comedy central picked us up for another season.

- [laughs]

You have the monotone underlying nasal thing that I--

- Yeah. - I think I do, right?

- And I'm capturing some of that casual disdain.

You're watching kroll show. - Yeah, 'cause I do that.

I do, "you're watching kroll show,"

As if I were the host--

- [laughing]

- As if I were the host of some basic cable talk show.

- I'm nash rickey.

I feel grateful and blessed by my lord and savior,

Jesus christ, to be hitting the road

With my sound man and sober buddy, jonesy,

As we reunite my band, sloppysecondz...

♪ l.A. Deli

And also find love.

Sponsored by the good people at stamps,

The rock stars of the postal industry.

♪ deli

- This is...

I haven't seen original bass man stud cardoni

Since our band fell apart due to my own personal demons.

I couldn't handle the moderate success

Of our party hit l.A. Deli.

♪ l.A. Deli

I'm going to find him.

So it's 6:00 in the morning. We got here a few hours early.

Ever since I got sober,

Time management is an issue for me.

Well, this was ill-timed, wasn't it, jonesy?

These are the struggles that I face every day...

That I try to overcome.

With god on my side and my good friend, jonesy,

Anything is possible.

But it's still very frustrating.

- Wait, so a guy asked me to go on a date on Saturday.

I was wondering if I could go. - Who is this guy?

- His name's robert. - Hey, whoa! What?

- Well, well, well, if it isn't stud cardoni.

♪ l.A. Deli

- Nash, I go by anthony now, okay?

And I don't have any money to give you, all right, so--

- I don't need your money, friend.

Didn't you get my stamped letter?

I'm getting sloppysecondz back together.

- No, it's Tuesday, and I have to take my daughter to school,

And then I'm going to work.

- The only work you have to do is to slap the bass

In the best g-damn band in the world.

♪ deli

I have to make amends for a lot of things.

I'm sober now, and I ask for your forgiveness.

- Nash, your van is blocking my driveway.

So I'm sorry.

- Let me give your daughter a ride to school,

And we can talk on the way.

♪ shotgun!

Yeah!

I had no intention of dropping her off at school.

My boy stud cardoni was in.

Next stop, venice beach.

♪ l.A. Deli

- Wow. A couple grade-15ers playing discus.

We really must be visiting universities in the states, eh?

- I never thought I'd have high enough marks to study abroad,

In michigan, no less.

- You've got to be joshing me, toons.

You're a fantastic student.

- Aw, thanks, mikey.

- Now where is the cabinet of admittance?

Oh, that's right. We're in the states.

The admissions "ar-fice."

- [laughter]

- But honestly, we shouldn't joke

About our warlike neighbors from the south.

They've been wonderful partners to us.

[school bell rings]

- Thanks for your interest in our school.

You know, hopefully an overnight on campus'll help you figure out

Whether we're a match for you or not.

You'll be staying with two of our undergrads

In their dorm rooms.

- What's a dorm room?

- Oh, it's where the students sleep.

- Oh, a room share. - Oh, I like that. Ha.

And you'll maybe eat meals with them in the dining hall.

- That's the cafetorium. - Cafetor--I like that.

And, you know, and hopefully, having some fun, right?

- And how much does the government pay you

To go to university?

- Uh, actually, you pay us. Um--

- Well, why would you have to pay money to be educated?

- Oh, I like that. Ha.

Oh, your hosts have arrived fashionably late.

Mikey, you're gonna be going over with spencer

To durnbull hall.

- Swim team housing. Think you can float?

- M'kay.

- [scoffs] m'kay?

- And toons, you're gonna be staying in pathos hall

With becca.

It's a dorm for handicapped single moms.

It's just the two of you.

- I'm blind. - Cool.

- Anyway, back to getting acquainted, right?

- Yeah, lets go get some blister-ritas, pal.

Mi casa el su-- dudes! Dudes, relax!

We got a guest, a prospy, staying the night.

- I'm mikey, but all my friends at home call me legs.

- Legs.

What, are you on the track team or something?

- Oh, no, no.

Canada cancelled track

After ben johnson shamed our country by cheating.

[laughter]

- I guess we're not used to your canadian comedy.

- I get it, I guess.

[babies crying]

- Mackerel, triplets.

Three times the blessing.

- Yeah, at three times the cost.

- I admire your strength.

I thought blind people wore glasses.

- Oh.

Well, my blindness was a preexisting condition,

So my insurance doesn't cover it.

I had to buy the cane myself.

- Peace out.

[school bell rings]

- So how are you enjoying your time here so far?

- Oh, it's quite cool.

It's different than our cafetorium, though.

Oh, hello.

Can I have a soft boil with the back bacon on brown bread,

A sack of ketchup chips, and, uh, a bag of homo milk?

- [laughs] homo milk?

- Yeah, 3% homogenized milk.

- So just get him some regular milk, manny.

- Sorry. Sorry.

- It's all right. Manny'll take care of you.

- You keep your milk in bags?

- Yeah. Well, how would you store it?

- Why don't you put 'em in cartons?

- Because we keep it in a bag.

- You can't keep milk in a bag.

- Oh, hey, toons. Where's becca?

- Oh, she couldn't make it.

Nursing for three takes hours.

- Oh, my. - Mind if I join you?

- Yeah. - Actually, this table's full.

I'm sure you'll find a good parking spot, toon-buggy.

- Toon-buggy?

- Yeah, you dodo bird.

- Hey, darren!

They got the baked ones.

- [laughs]

Sorry, toons.

- This is...

[delicate piano music]

♪

- We drove down to venice beach to find drummer spit decreaux,

One of the true wild men of rock.

['80s metal]

♪

Sick stick spit decreaux.

- Crack attack is back, jack.

- ♪ l.A. Deli

- [laughs]

- You have no idea who I am. - No idea, friend.

- It's nash rickey.

♪ l.A. Deli

- Whoa. I guess you are nash rickey.

[laughs]

- So spit, you selling stuffed animals at the beach now?

- No, I'm hanging out at the beach

With some of my best friends.

Purple whale, little dinosaur,

Lawrence of a-baby-a.

- Look, spit, I don't have a lot of time.

We're getting a rock n' reunion going.

I'm gettin' all of sloppysecondz back together.

I need you in.

- Oh, I don't know, man. That ship has sailed.

- I've been trying to get in touch with you.

Didn't you get my letter?

- No, I don't have an address. Did you email it?

- No, I don't use email.

Spam filters, invalid 404 errors,

No confirmation that somebody's received your note.

I like the personal touch of a handwritten letter.

The font is your own.

Nothing can beat a stamp and a letter.

- The United States postal service is obsolete,

Nash rickey, everybody knows it.

- You're speaking nonsense, spit.

- That's possible.

I fried my brain on crack cocaine.

- Those days are behind us.

So I got to know, spit decreaux, are you in?

I'll take that as a yes.

- Ha.

- Spit was in, and I was two for two.

Next stop, san diego.

- One of the loveliest guys. - Oh.

- Um-- - thanks, jonathan.

- The nicest guys working hollywood are key and peele.

- Welcome back to upper peninsula state

Closed circuit tv.

From time to time, we wire guys on the court, refs on the court,

Just to hear what's going on behind the scenes.

Check it out.

- Hey. - Hey, how are you?

- How's it going, man? Nice to meet you.

- I'm jeff. - Yeah, rondy, man.

Rondy, man.

- Just washed my hands, was just in the bathroom.

It's gonna be fun today. - All right.

- All right. - All right, get ready.

[air horn] all right, ladies.

Shake 'em. Don't break 'em.

Keep it clean.

- I usually, uh-- I usually do the tipoff.

- I want to do it. I'm gonna do it.

- Okay. [whistle blows]

- All right, here we go.

Here we go. Here we go.

[whistles] that's charge!

Not. - That's a block.

- That's a charge. - No, that's a block.

- That's what a charge-- - no, that's a block.

- Hey, man, that's a charge. - No, that's a block.

- Hey, what--that's-- that's a charge.

- No, that's a block. - Do what you did.

Both: Do what you did.

- No, she-- that's--that's--no.

But that's not what happened.

[air horn] - foul.

- Oh, okay, okay. I got it, I got it, I got it.

I got it. Stay down. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Sit down. - You're all right.

- I got--I got it. - You can get up.

She can get up. - I got it, stay down.

- She wants to get up. Let her get up.

- Okay. Let's get some ice.

Let's get some ice for her!

- See, your problem is you're coming in way too hot.

They don't like that. You got to come in subtle.

You want to-- - what are you talking about?

You talking about hookin' up with girls.

- Hey, man. Hey, you said it, I didn't.

You pick one girl.

You give her the attention, that's the way.

- You know who I like? - Which one?

- 15. - 15? That's your girl.

- Yeah. - See, I knew, you dirty dog.

I knew you were gonna like one of 'em.

- Nah, come on, man. - 15, I saw that was your girl.

Eh, eh. [whistles]

Foul on 15.

- What are you doing, man? - Save her, save her.

- No way that's a foul on 15. No, no.

[whistles] take that back.

- Hey, man. - Take that back.

- I said it's a foul. You sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure.

- All right, man. Whatever you say.

- Okay, that's not a foul on 15.

You're still in the game, sweetheart.

- Trust me. Trust me.

That's gonna pay off in dividends.

[both snickering]

[air horn]

I'd give him a shot. I'd give him a shot.

That's all I'm saying.

I did what I could. Did what I could.

- What's your favorite m. Night shyamalan movie?

- Signs. - No question.

- Yeah.

- Looks like he's got a yellow doody on his head.

- [laughs]

I've been thinking that for a while now.

- Yeah, but I--as I said, I call it like I see it.

Hey, doody head, get off the court.

- [laughing]

[coughing]

- All right. [air horn]

[whistles] that's the game.

That's it.

- Sometimes what you hear on the court

Can be surprisingly uplifting.

That's it for today.

Uh, remember it's amnesty week at the library,

So get those books back there.

- I whip out eye of the tiger by survivor.

- Not if I get there first.

- ♪ you and me forever

- Were you any good at basketball?

- No.

- Did you fell pressure as a black dude

To be good at basketball?

- No, because everyone else that was good

Was just blacker than me anyway.

I had a very justified reason to not be good.

- Really? - My mom's white.

You know that, right? - No [bleep].

- You didn't know that? - That's why you wear glasses.

[laughter]

- This is...

[delicate piano music]

♪

- Our trip all over southern california brought us

To san diego.

We had to pay our respects to our beloved keyboardist,

James st. James.

He lived too hard, but he will never be forgotten.

♪ l.A. Deli

I never meant for sloppysecondz...

To be a dictatorship.

Return to sender, you goddamned saint.

James was in, but I haven't had much luck finding love so far.

Dillon, I wanted to talk to you real quick and let you know

That even though there's clearly an attraction,

We can never be together physically.

- Ew, gross. You're old.

- And I know that's attractive to young women,

But we're not on sammy hagar's cigarette boat.

- Can I please go to school now?

- Hey, uh, nash. - Yeah?

- You're not trying to do what I think you're trying to do,

Are you?

- No, those days are gone.

But she is a siren.

- [chuckles]

Thank you. She is attractive.

You hear that?

He thinks you're pretty, sweetie.

['80s metal]

♪

- Um, I'd like to give a shout out to, uh,

Cigarette looking one-hitters.

- Okay. - It's like a james bond gadget.

- Yeah.

Oh, cops don't notice the clinking noise of the cigarette.

- [laughs]

Yeah, or the fact that I'm lighting it once

And then blowing out a huge plume of smoke

And then putting the cigarette into my pocket.

- And then continuing to drive with your knees.

- Yeah.

Or that I've pulled out my cigarette

From what appears to be a wooden container.

- [laughter]

[phone dialing]

- Now connecting your international call.

[phone ringing]

- [playing saxophone]

Hey, it's coach teacher. Thanks for phonin'.

You're aware of the process. [beep]

- Hey, it's me, toons.

Pardon the bother, but I hate it in the states.

Mikey's changed, and there's no help for mothers.

I love you. [beep]

- I love you too.

- The guys all have music lit till 5:00.

Finally some peace and quiet around here, huh?

- Yeah, I can't believe how much I ate at that midday supper.

I feel like I understand the freshman one stone now.

[laughs] - gettin' kinda tired.

Want to take a nap? I could use one.

- Oh, okay.

Maybe I'll read from your textbook about jazz music.

I wonder which chapter's about michael buble.

- Sure.

Or, you know, no big deal

If you wanted to... Lie down over here.

Come on. Fold in.

- [chuckles]

[shivers] I am pretty knackered.

I would love a nap.

- Look at you.

Wow, pal. You are tight.

Try to relax, you know. - Okay.

- Loosen up. - Okay.

- Open yourself. - Okay.

Pardon. Pardon.

Pardon! - What?

- Whoa! What was that about?

- What was what about?

- You smooched me with an open-faced montreal mouth kiss.

- Shh, shut your mouth, homo milk.

If you're not gay, what's the deal?

- Pardon? I don't follow.

- The way you talk. - Mm-hmm.

- Your hair. - My hair?

- Your manners,

The fact that your hoody has holes for your thumb.

You held the door for me.

- I always try to be a gentleman.

- And the nine shades of purple you're wearing.

- Oh, I understand. I'm not gay.

I'm canadian.

- Oh, my god. I'm gonna kill myself.

- Hey, spencer,

Being a homosexual makes you unique and different.

And in canada, being gay is encouraged,

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Some of my favorite people are different...

Like my friend toons.

She's different. [gasp]

Aurora borealis, toons!

- Don't tell anyone about this,

Especially my boss at hollister.

- [baby crying]

- Toons, toons, I want to apologize for how I behaved.

- I don't care, mikey. Just get me out of here.

I hate it here. - Of course.

I'm sorry for how I treated you,

And I'll never take you for granted again.

- Thanks, mikey.

I can't wait to get back to civilization,

Seeing how single mothers with disabilities

Are treated here in the states.

- Not to mention suicidal gay athletes who are in grade 16.

It really makes you appreciate the social services that come

With the robust taxation of the workforce, eh?

- Eh.

- Let's go.

[triumphant music]

- [distorted speech] bye.

- Politicians are coming out with, like,

Uh, we're in favor of gay marriage.

We are--we want to support, um, education or--

This is the things they say to get voters to vote for them.

- Uh-huh. - Go to mars.

That's all I care about. - [laughs]

- If someone said, "we can go to mars.

We can get a mission there." space is the coolest thing.

- Would you watch a reality show in space?

- Yes.

- This is...

Everyone else is back in.

Now it's time for the final piece of the puzzle,

But it's the man who eclipsed me in my own band,

Guitarist mikki lixxx.

- 'sup?

- ♪ pastrami's piling high ♪

♪ while you're coming down ♪

- I should've never bitten your fiancee's pinkie off,

And for that, I'm sorry. - Listen, nash.

I'm kind of way too rich now

Off of all my terrible music to care.

- I'm leaving now. - No, sweetheart.

We're close, okay? Hey, this is important to daddy.

- What can I do for you?

- Well, didn't you get my stamped letter?

- No, I don-- I haven't opened a--

I haven't opened a letter since 1990.

- The postal system is one of the cornerstones

Of american communication.

People need to check their mail.

- You know, I'm starting to feel some energy here,

This, like, vibe.

We haven't all been in a room like this since--

- Well, that's why I brought all of you here.

- I mean, maybe I'm insane to think that you can catch

Lightning in a bottle twice,

But if there is anyone who can make lightning their bitch,

It's this gang of [bleep] and balls.

[mimics explosion] idea bomb.

Let's reunite.

All: Yes! - That's what I've been saying.

- I am 100% in, bro. - Yes!

- ♪ I'm gonna ride that winged beauty ♪

All: ♪ my lover and my cutie

♪ on home

[growls]

- I got to use your john.

- ♪ feels like it's over, girl ♪

♪ that's when I'll be ending my war with you ♪

- [exhales] well, well, well, friend.

Looks like it's just me and you, nash rickey,

And I'm not gonna be coy with you.

I've abused your body, your mind, and your spirit.

But I need you to listen to me right now.

Listen good.

I've gotten everybody in this band back together,

But it all comes down to you.

And I got one piece of advice for you, nash.

This isn't the best thing for you.

You need to be on your own.

And I'm sorry to you, stamps.

You've kept america connected for over 150 years,

And I've let you down.

And for that, I am divinely sorry.

After some serious soul searching,

I realized I could not participate

In the reunion of my own band.

And though I didn't get the band back together,

I did find love.

It came to my own front door six days a week.

- ♪ this heart's with you ♪

- ♪ l.A. Deli

- Ha, ha.

- ♪ l.A. Deli

♪ where the after party's ragin' in my l.A. Town ♪

♪ l.A. Deli

♪ the pastrami's pilin' high while you're comin' down ♪