Original subtitles

[metal clanging]

- Ahh!

- Que? Que? [speaking spanish]

[both speaking spanish]

- What is it? What's wrong?

- He says this stone is from 1,000 miles away.

No man can tell how it got here.

- Hmm.

Actually, I know one man that can.

- He was a member of an elite force in desert shield

Who made the cardinal sin of stepping on a roadside bomb.

Only an igneous rock formation allowed him to breathe

And ultimately survive.

Legally dead, he now roams the earth's crust

On his motorcycle as a renegade geologist.

[blues rock music]

♪

[eagle screeching]

- Doctor, you made it.

- Now let me see this so-called rock.

- Right here. - Hmm.

Now let me investigate.

This appears to be conglomerate silica sediment.

- Huh? - Huh?

- Limestone.

[laughing] gotta go.

[dubstep music]

♪

Mm. Mm.

What's the appropriate age

For a man to get plastic surgery?

What do you think that age is?

[sighs] why don't I ask dr. Armond?

Roll it. [camera shutter clicks]

This is one of the most relaxing hand massages

I've ever had in my entire life.

[phone chimes, barks] oh, my.

"shannon hearts armond."

My heart is jumping out of my chest.

- ♪ so happy to be

♪ dr. Mrs. Armond

- Wow. There she is.

- ♪ you're special lover man

♪ the most wonderful kind

♪ you make me feel love exploding out of my mind ♪

♪ oh, armond, you're the one ♪

- This is my soon-to-be ex-wife shannon.

Have you ever been so in love

That you made a video for someone?

- Not that in love, no. - Hmm.

Then this really must be something special.

I mean, your substantial jaw must be on the floor, kelsey.

- You're not considering reconciling, old friend.

- I love my wife. What can I do, kels?

- Play the fiel-- [earpiece beeps]

- Oh, my. The door is ajar.

Watch out, my sweet. Here I come.

As I approached the bed, something seemed off.

It looks like you need a kiss from a prince

To wake you up.

- Freeze!

- Oh, my. She has no pulse.

As california's premier animal plastic surgeon,

I always strive for perfection.

- [screams]

- But sometimes, there are even problems that I can't fix.

I've always been something of a homebody.

[device beeps]

But this is just absurd.

This is armond of the house...Arrest.

Kelsey, I've got a confession to make.

I'm guilty. - Oh, dear god.

- Guilty of falling

For one of the most beautiful women in the world.

- [laughing] oh, armond.

- I didn't murder her, kelsey.

I need you to believe me.

But just in case, maybe get a white bronco.

[doorbell rings]

- Armond, the cops are here.

Am I gonna miss shannon?

Hell no. That bitch was wack.

You know, rest in peace.

Make me a feast, ho.

[device beeps]

- Dr. Armond, this is officer long.

I'm detective smart.

- You must be to rise to the rank of detective.

- This is my beautiful son roman.

[smack]

- Well, you must very proud.

- First, I had to convince this detective

That I hadn't murdered my wife.

But almost more importantly,

I had to make sure that my son had the breakfast he so desired.

- Where were you when you first discovered your wife's body?

- I was deciding whether to sever her...

- [screams]

- Ties to me.

[squeak]

- Do you have any access to sedatives or drugs?

- Only enough to kill a horse.

[whip cracks, horse neighs]

- You're not intimidating me with your fancy shirt.

I know what you did. - Is it okay if I go?

- I just prepared a feast for you.

- I'm not eating that.

I'm going to chick club with my friends.

This looks like [bleep].

- But the joke's on him.

More for me.

- What's wrong with you?

Like, your face isn't even moving.

Your wife just died.

- What would be a more appropriate thing

For me to do with my face?

- Have it move.

- [howling]

Since my tear ducts are now closed,

The only way I can cry is through my mouth.

[howling]

[overlapping howling]

- I forgot to hang up, old friend.

I'm sending over my lawyer zack sword.

[sword unsheathes] - I've never lost a case.

- Police treat me as if I'm a beautiful woman.

So I was driving to san francisco.

I'm going down the hill towards grapevine.

- Mm-hmm. - Not a thought in my head.

The policeman pulls me over. - Mm-hmm.

- He says to me,

"are you aware that you're going 95 miles per hour?"

- Mm-hmm.

- I said to him, "I wasn't aware that I was driving."

He chuckles and says, "on your way."

- Really? - He loved it.

- John, I just want you to know...

You are beautiful woman. - Thanks.

- ♪ money, big money, big dough, big ♪

- Oh, my god, okay. How does that feel?

- How does what feel? - Me being inside of you.

- Don't fall in love with me, aspen.

- Winn? - [clears throat]

- Winn! - [sighs]

- Ignore him. - O.M.G.

Aspen, can you stop [bleep] my sister for five seconds?

- Wen, there are, like, zero reasons

For you to have that attitude right now.

- Listen, winnie, we need to talk, okay?

Did you even get the email I sent you?

- First of all, I told you I changed my name to heath.

- Ah. - Oh, sorry.

Heath, did you even get the email I sent you?

- I am not going online, okay?

I told you I'm taking a "brark" from the "internaht."

- Mommy just called.

Grandpa goobie is basically a vegetable, okay?

He's a piece of broccolini. Like, he's about to "dar."

- Oh, my god. Okay.

- We need to eulogize grampy goobie,

Or else we're gonna lose all of our money.

- Well, that should be the headline, wen.

- Grampy goobie's bank account owns this house, okay?

We'll be homeless people if we don't get up there.

- Okay, I have an idea.

We'll take my car, we'll riff out the eulogy,

We'll do a little "curcaine,"

Then we'll go to your grandfather's stupid funeral.

And then we'll just hit wine country,

And we'll just get sancerre to the dune.

- I love it, but I can't take anything with tannins

'cause it makes my face red.

- Like a little asian girl? Oh, my god!

Now I'm about to finish.

Wendall, move out of the way, so I can look at myself.

[grunts] let's do a late brunch.

- I'm gonna "pyurk."

- Brunch is ready!

O.M.G., consuela, you made us "warfles."

- Oh, my god, they're beautiful.

Let's just instagrammy. - "turtally."

- But--uh--

- Consuela, how's your boy doing?

- Still sick. The doctor doesn't know--

- Okay, I don't have time to talk about that right now

Because we're leaving.

Can you pack us for a two-day? I love you.

[horn honks]

- What is taking her so long?

Suela, it's getting dark!

- Suela, beep beep, chop chop.

- Guys, we have to make sure that we have everything we need.

- Cell phone chargers? - Yeah, like snacks.

- Um, I brought the gat.

- Just one? - Mm-hmm. Sorry.

- I think I forgot my pumpkin.

- We need to bring things that are gonna inspire us.

- O.M.G.! Costumes from the original movie dick tracy.

- Suela, bring costumes from the movie dick tracy.

- [laughing] word up.

- [gasps] we need to bring tampons.

- Yes, for butt chugs.

- Well, we don't need condoms

'cause I'm gonna put a baby in you this weekend.

- Aspen, I cannot be with a jewish boy

And ruin my bloodline.

My parents would rather me have a baby with my brother.

- Yeah. No poop in the water supply.

- I'm only half jewish. - Ugh!

Jews are a snooze.

- Suela, we miss you. We love you already.

- Hasta la vista, baby.

- Okay, the car is not starting.

So either we have a full-on "brarkdown,"

Or we're out of gas, which is fundamentally the same thing.

- Okay, let's just make a youtube

And sent it to santa barbie.

- Take advantage of the digital age.

- Youtube--youtubeulogy.

- Are you on molly right now?

- My mo--my mouth's not "worsing" anymore.

- You're so high on molly right now, your heart is open.

Let's get you on-camera immediately.

- Let's kill it. - I wanna touch something.

- Suela, unpack for us. We're staying in.

Change of play-plays.

[dubstep music]

- [speaking spanish]

- What is it? What's wrong?

- He says he found a fossil of a fish on this prehistoric rock.

- This is a sensitive site. We'll have to stop construction.

- [speaking spanish]

- Well, he says there's no way to know

Without continuing to dig.

- Actually, I know one man who can tell us.

- After losing his passport on a mission to the andes,

He was forced to live in obscurity.

He visited the american consulate

Numerous times to sort it out

But was told, according to their files,

He was legally dead.

He tried to explain

That there had been a geological anomaly,

Which had saved his life,

When suddenly a freak landslide tore through the consulate

And destroyed all the files,

Giving the consulate no choice but to issue emergency passports

On a provisional basis.

He now roams the world on his motorcycle

As a renegade geologist... Again.

[blues rock music]

♪

[eagle screeching]

- Doctor, you made it.

- Let me see the fossil. - Of course.

- This whole place used to be under water.

Technically, we're at a prehistoric beach.

- Playa prehistorica.

- Playa prehistorica?

- A prehistoric beach.

Cowabunga.

Makeup's gonna-- come here, come in.

So I'm gonna-- say hi to the camera, trent.

- Oh, jeez. - Oh, jeez.

- Hi. - Hi.

I wear chapstick.

My lips absorb moisture at a crazy rate.

Yeah?

Trent just told me

It's universal with me and porn stars.

Trent works with porn stars.

I'm wondering if he shares makeup brushes.

- ♪ when I tell you I'm hungry ♪

♪ you always bring me food

♪ and you never make me touch it when I'm not in the-- ♪

[electricity crackling, beep, dog barks]

- [groans]

I appreciate the business.

You know, a lotta people, uh, see me as a plumber,

And they don't ever hire me as handyman.

- Well, people see me as a murderer...

- [screams]

- And not as an animal plastic surgeon.

[dog barks]

That's why I guess I brought my business home with me,

And all the medical equipment

Seems to be shorting out the circuits.

- Well, you should see my place. Nothing works.

You know, I get home, I'm exhausted.

- Well, if you ever wanna talk about it,

You know where to find me.

[device beeps]

- Yeah.

- But my lawyer's coming shortly,

So I'll have to scoot.

- Uh, do you know where the main breaker is?

I need to shut off the power in order to fix this.

- You know, it's my son roman

Who's the real digital wizard in the house.

I'm gonna go ask him.

[device beeps]

[guns shooting on video game]

Dingdong, it's the good witch.

How are you, roman?

- Eww! Eww!

- Roman, are you having a nice afternoon?

- No! Leave me alone.

- My attorney's about to show up, so you need to clean up.

- You know you're gonna go to jail

For, like, probably ever, right?

- Where's the circuit breaker? - Just leave.

It's by the garage, frankenweenie.

- Fyi, the power's gonna be down for a little bit,

So you'll lose your internet.

- No! I need the internet for my game, idiot!

[glass breaks, dog barks]

[device beeps]

- Well, if the plastic surgery biz doesn't work out,

Maybe I can become the handyman's assistant, chico.

You stay there.

It's off. - What's that?

- Oh, my. Chico. Don't wander.

[device beeps]

Oh, no.

I was out of my house arrest perimeter.

Chico, I'm on trial for murder.

- [screams]

- My son's being difficult.

- What's that, dad?

You hid the gun where?

- The handyman is depressed.

- You should see my place. - [screams]

- I need you to meet me halfway on this one, okay?

[sword unsheathes]

- [whistles] ah, come here, little guy.

Ahh.

I believe this gentleman belongs to you.

- Oh, either you're a knight in shining armor

Or my new superstar lawyer.

- How about both? I'm zack sword.

[sword unsheathes] - dr. Armond.

- Three things you should know about me.

One, I've never lost a case. [swords clink]

Two, this suit cost $10,000.

And three, did you kill your wife?

I'm sorry.

I had to ask that question

Because a jury's gonna ask that question.

And if you could take it from me,

You could take it from them.

- Well, mr. Sword, I've been taking it from everybody.

- [laughing]

- ♪ you'll always be my best friend ♪

- Holy [bleep]. - What?

- Your gums are really bloody.

- Well, I guess I like to protect all my canines.

[dog barks]

I may have taken flossing to a slightly unhealthy level.

That's house arrest for you.

- I just want something casual. - Okay.

- So...Um...

Hey. - I don't even care.

- You don't care about this? - No.

You know, this is real talk. - Oh.

- I was third runner-up for most casual at my high school.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- What happened to the other two kids?

- They wanted it less.

[laughter]

- [muttering] - [snoring]

- Mr. Wendy.

Mr. Wendy. - [snoring]

- Mr. Wendy!

- Ugh. Suela.

- I sorry to wake you,

But your grandfather died last night.

- No, grampy goobie. Winnie!

- My name is heath. - Heath.

Did we come up with all the words for the eulogy?

- I don't remember. - Oh.

- Don't worry, babies.

I took care of it, okay? It's all on my "iphern."

- [groans] - and this is embarrassing.

When you start something, finish it.

It's like we're still in [bleep] middle school.

Both: Hey! - What's up?

Welcome to grampy goobie's eulogy video.

- We hope that other people enjoy this

When they play it when you die

'cause we know you won't be able to see it

'cause you'll be in the ground.

[cheerful music]

Early life.

- I am grandpa goobie as a young man.

I'm horny.

- Wartime.

- Grampy goobie is signing up for the war.

War ii.

Hitler's rolling for poland.

- Oh, no, it's dick tracy. Ahh!

- Oh, no.

- Blooper reel.

- We shouldn't be doing this on-camera.

[bleep] it, let's just do it on-camera.

Verite.

If grandpa goobie could be any animal in the world,

What animal would he be?

- Um-- - pills.

- [laughing]

- Rest in peace.

[laughter]

- Kill bill, bro.

[screaming] - cut my neck!

- I feel like--like, "houston, we have a problem,"

And the problem is that there's not enough love.

The lack of love is really hard for me to handle right now.

- A baptismal, wendall. Let's do it!

Yeah!

- That must have been hard to do.

- Oh, my gosh, yeah. It was so--

I'm so wet. I'm so wet.

- I'm so wet too.

- What the [bleep] is going on?

Grandpa goobie wouldn't want this this way.

- Grandpa goobie is dead!

- I mean, I still wanna wes anderson/david fincher

The whole thing, but that's basically the idea.

- Yeah, I mean, I don't usually like myself on-camera,

But this time, I was pleasantly surprised.

- You're my muse. - Aspen, don't.

- It seems disrespectful.

- What seems disrespectful?

- Your grampy goobie just died,

And it looks like you're having a party.

- You were at that party, consuela.

Who was fighting with the dick tracy

In the background?

- Wait, are you trying to say

That this could jeopardize our "inharitance?"

- I don't know anything about "inherances."

- Yeah. No, you don't know, do you?

[laughing, inhales]

[grunts]

All right, here's what we need to do.

We need to fix the car, jettison up to santa barbie,

And come up with some eulogy that is dope

And fly and fresh enough for grammy goobie to cry at.

And if we don't, we lose everything.

Friends, shawn family,

We are gathered here today because we are people

Who love grampy goobie.

Grampy goobie's grampy goobie.

My great, great grandfather goobie

Owned glass,

And now I feel as though

My heart is made from glass

Because it just shattered into a million pieces.

I know that if grampy goobie was here right now,

He'd say, I'd be happy if me and grammy goobie

Could just sit around all day

And read his favorite comic strip dick tracy.

[laughter]

Though he didn't like the movie.

To grampy goobie.

[bubbling]

- To grampy goobie.

I literally have, like, nothing at stake here.

[dubstep music]

- Mom, how did people migrate from eurasia to the americas?

- He was a me-- [engine revs]

- Doctor, you made it.

- Yeah. [grunts]

- You okay? - Yeah.

Well, that's as far as I'm gonna get.

And that's not what the people

Who migrated across the bering strait said.

- Do we know him?

- The world used to be one supercontinent

Called pangaea.

[engine revs]

[blues rock music]

- Do you know that you are going to get killed on-camera today?

- Not my favorite, but-- - [laughs]

Say thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you, everybody, to all my fans

And the paparazzi and my publicist.

I love you all.

[whimsical music]

- I find the alcohol helps anesthetize my mouth.

And I found that drinking during the day

Agrees with me.

[thud]

Oh, now it's a party.

My forensics team. [glass shatters]

- You seem very comfortable for a man in your situation.

- Well, my case is a slam dunk.

[cheers]

These guys are proving that what the police say I did

Is impossible.

I'd have to have been superman.

[heroic music plays]

[wind blowing]

- Hey, is the power off?

- Yeah, didn't you hear me?

- Uh, no, no. I'm sorry, doc.

- Are you joking?

I was shouting it from the rooftops.

It's off.

Maybe once you get the electricity fixed,

You can get your hearing fixed.

I'm joking. Join us for a drink, won't you?

- Uh--

- A toast.

To life.

- Not behind bars though. - Hmm.

And I thought I was the funny one.

[squeak]

[phone chimes]

- ♪ sudoku in the hot tub

♪ cappuccinos in the hood

- Can you get the power back on?

- And now it's a mad dash apparently.

- Ah, that's a shannon song? - Yes.

She was one of the most beautiful women in the world.

And it's only matched by her voice.

- It's powerful.

- Mm-hmm. - ♪ oh, armond

♪ you're the one - I wish it would stop.

- Well, I can put an end to it right now.

[video stops] - thank you.

- One thing I didn't put an end to

Is my wife's life. [sword unsheathes]

I can tell you right now,

Flatly and surely, I didn't kill her, counselor.

- Then I am convinced.

I would be proud to be your attorney.

- Thank you, mr. Sword.

Although I'll warn you that my forensics team

Is making me hemorrhage thousands of dollars a day.

I don't think I'll be able to afford to pay you for some time.

[spring reverberates]

- I wish I could be your attorney,

But unfortunately, it will not work out.

Please tell kelsey that I said yes,

But you and I had a scheduling conflict.

And good luck to you.

[sword unsheathes]

- Looks like you and I will be drinking alone today, chico.

[beeping]

[dog barking]

- ♪ you're the one

- What happened in those ten seconds?

- [screams] - the infamous ten seconds.

- Cameras were outside for ten seconds.

- Where were you when you first discovered

Your wife's body? - Freeze!

- She has no pulse. I didn't kill her, counselor.

- What happened in those ten seconds?

- You killed that angel. - Kind of.

- What are you doing!

[beeping]

- [grunting]

- ♪ oh, armond

♪ you're the one

- Were you engaged to stone cold steve austin?

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you still with him? - No.

- Did you stab stone cold steve austin?

- Absolutely not.

I mean, I wouldn't be here, right?

- Right. Did he run over your foot?

- No comment. I can still walk though.