All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S02E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Hey, it's 4:00 p.M.
On Sunday again.

And it's time to show us
your songs, toronto.

[upbeat music]

♪

- You know him as mikey
from "wheels ontario."

It's bryan la croix.
- Pardon.

- French-canadian contortionist
julie francois.

- Bonjour.

- And from two generations
of "wheels ontario,"

It's gene creemers.

- Show us your songs,
toronto.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the tension is palpable

Here at the "show us your songs,
toronto" finals.

Bryan, how are you feeling
about the competition today?

- Gene, so excited
to be here.

All the "bryantologists"
out there,

Shout-out to all of you.

I love all my fans.

Gene, what have you
been up to?

- Oh, just doing the tv show

I've been doing
for the last 25 years.

It's called "wheels ontario."

Have you heard of it there,
bryan?

- Yeah, I play mikey
on "wheels ontario."

I'm just excited that
it was a platform for me

To get a little further along
in my music career.

And hopefully I won't
be on there much longer.

- Oh, do you have
a music career?

- Yeah, I've got
a new single coming out

Called "enter to win,"
and, um--

- Okay, and all these
contestants today

On "show us your songs"
are entered to win

The competition
"show us your songs, toronto."

Here we go
with our first act.

Let's get it rollin'.

She's canada's sweetheart.

She's coming out
right now.

It's mary belle edwards.

Oh, show us
your song there.

[soft music]

- ♪ land of the silver birch

♪ home of the beaver

♪ where still
the mighty moose ♪

♪ wanders at will

- Oh!
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

- And as to the drummer,
I just wanna

Apologize to your people
and your ancestors

For spilling your blood
all over this country

For the past
hundreds of years.

But that said,
what a fandango, okay.

[laughs]

And I'd just like to give you
a little surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen--
- mary belle,

You're gonna be a guest star
on "wheels ontario."

- Oh, my gosh.
- "wheels ontario."

- Oh, my gosh.

- Okay.
- Oh.

- Okay.
- She's gonna guest star

On "wheels ontario"
with me bryan la croix.

- Okay, bryan,
you've won nothing.

Come back
to the judges' table.

- And we might even
have a makeout scene.

- The only actor who's been in
two generations

Of "wheels ontario"
is gene creemers.

[dubstep music]

♪

- The first time
I went to canada was

I was at summer camp,

And my group
went to montreal.

I went to a peep show,
which is just, like--

But this is pre-internet,

Where you would go
to a booth

With a little curtain
and close it.

And you could choose, like,
different videos to watch.

And, uh, I jerked off
in a booth.

So--

Who gets to edit this show?

[laughter]

[school bell rings]

- Attention,
today's remembrance day.

So remember to pick up
your canadian heroes

Tea towel in the cafetorium.

- Hey, legs, over here.

- Oh, hey, cameron.
- [scoffs]

"cameron" is my parental
guardian's name, all right?

Call me cam.
- Okay, cool.

Cam.
- You know what?

You should get a partner for
the maple syrup games tonight.

Everybody gets lucky
after the sap boil.

- Cam, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

I've never been
with a girl before.

- Why don't you ask collette?

She's a real calgary flame.

- Collette--the prime minister
of student parliament?

- Hey there, buddy.
How you doing there, mike?

- Oh, hey, coach teacher.

- Pardon me
for over-listening,

But heard you're ready
to have some sex there then.

- Thinkin' about it.

- Collette's as fine
a specimen as any

To start out with.

I'm on my way
to the school nurse.

Why don't you
heard there with me,

Get ya a sex prep kit?

- Oh, far out.

- Let's do it, eh?

[upbeat music]

♪

- You're in luck.

Got the very last
government-issued sex kit here.

- Oh, cool.
- Okay.

I know sex
can be scary sometimes.

So this will help you
make it fun and safe.

Here's a maple-flavored
dental dam.

It also glows in the dark.

That's if you want to perform
some cunnilingus,

And you can also
try rimming.

Here's a vibrator for you.

We've got the butt plug
as well.

Can use it
for someone's exit.

- It looks like a squid.

- Do you have any questions
for me, michael?

- What if
I'm not good at sex?

Or what if
I'm so good at it,

I become obsessed with it?

Or what if it's something
I don't even know?

I guess it just all
feels so complicated.

- Well, I would try
the butt plug.

Yeah.
- Cool.

- One thing,
I would recommend using

Some other prophylactics,
unless you wanna

End up like your friend
toons over there.

- Breathe it on out.
Breathe it on out, toons.

And breathe out.
And good.

That slimy
little butterball's

Gonna drop right out of you.
[chuckles]

- Oh, hey, mikey.
- Oh, hey, toons.

Hey, coach teacher.
What are you doing down here?

- Oh, I'm not just
a whirling coach.

I also coach canadian lamaze.

- And he's the father.

- Oh, how far along
are you, toons?

- Ten months.
- Oh, so you got time.

- Well, mwah.

Gotta go to the cafetorium,

Work my shift at
the junior needle exchange.

You be good,
you be good.

- Thanks for sticking around,
mikey.

- Oh, I gotta go.
Peace out, toons.

- Peace out.

- Hey, collette,
I don't know

If we've ever formally
been introduced,

But my name's mikey.

- Gosh, I thought
your name was legs.

- Oh, no, that's
my casual goof name

That everyone call me
'cause they hate me.

- Well, you just tell them
to hush up.

- Maybe I won't be so harsh,
but I'll do that.

- Say, I'd love to stay
and chat, eh,

But I have minutes
to proofread, so--

- Oh, no doubt,
no doubt.

Hey, I was wondering,
collette,

Would you be game
to being my partner

At the maple games tonight?

- Of course I will.
I'll see you there.

- Oh, cool.
- Pardon me.

- Awesome.
That's really exciting.

- Oh, pardon me.
- Pardon.

I guess I've got a date--

A date with intercourse.

[school bell rings]

- You don't listen
to me about this.

- I'm not gonna--

- You got my jacket wet, man.

Don't--
give me my glasses.

May I have my glasses back?

- We gotta go to venice.

We gotta get your dog
in [bleep] bakersfield.

- Yeah, that's what
I'm saying.

- So let's go to bakersfield,
get the dog--

- Because we can't--
you're not listening.

We can't go to bakersfield
until we go to venice,

Prune my friend's trees,
get some spaghetti--

Don't do violence, man.

Don't do violence.
Chester!

- Man, you know what?
Forget you.

- Chester, chill out, man.

I'll spill your ice coffee.

- Don't you [bleep]--

- Why do we do this, man?

- You're my best friend
in the world.

- I love you, brother.
I love you, brother.

What are you doing, man?

That is not cool.
Give it.

- Let's regroup and,
you know--

- I don't need to regroup.
I'm grouped.

Let's go.

- Whoa, this cheese
is great.

- You guys are the editors--
now you know that,

'cause you will have
putted the chyron--

"you will have 'putted'
the chyron"?

- Yeah.
- You will have put the chyron

That says,
"bill, dan, editors."

- Yeah, this is guaranteed
to make the show.

- What are some
of your passions, dan?

- Uh, tv. I like video games.
Um, I'm--

- You sound like
a [bleep] monster to me.

- [chuckles]
yeah. Well, not really.

I lost my virginity
when I was,

I think, 23 or 24.
- Okay.

Well, good on you,
it's gone.

I was--I was 19.

- I mean,
it's kind of late.

It's a little late.
- Yeah.

But you've been banging out
since then

Like a mother[bleep], right?

- [chuckles]

No offense, could I ask you
a question?

Are you hardly working?

'cause I'm hardly hard.

That didn't
come out right.

- Oh, you dug yourself
a beautiful hole, bro.

- That'll be 2.89.

- Okay, maybe try this card,

From jesus christ himself.

[beep]
- this is declined.

- That's impossible.

The church has never
been stronger.

How about you try this card
that pitbull gave me

Directly in a commercial
for vodka?

- This doesn't have
a magnetic strip at the end.

- All right.
- You know what--

- I wanna pay money too.

- Okay, it's obvious you guys
don't have any money.

- Interesting.
- Mm-hmm.

- Peter, take a step back
with me to discuss business.

- Two seconds.

- Dude, we are in financial
duress right now.

We need to figure out
a way out of this mess, bro.

- Gotta find out a way
to make some money

Without losing our integrity.

[dubstep music]

♪

- ♪ get ready to go

♪ get ready to go

- So sage, bro,
you gotta talk to us.

We have
so many questions, bro.

What are we doing here?

- It is very warm in here,
and I like it.

So what's your plan,
gentlemen?

- Basically,
p90x, crossfit.

I shave my shoulders.

And I just bought
a tongue scraper.

- Chicks don't do that.

- So what do then,
they very much go for?

Mints inside
of necklaces, bro?

Both: Oh.
- That's a start.

You gotta have
your own style.

What looks best on you?

What makes you
feel the sexiest?

- Having sex outside.
- Okay.

Well, for me as far
as upstairs, goatee.

As far as downstairs,
goatee, bro.

- My pubes are shaved
into gargoyle wings.

[phone vibrates]

- Guys, how would you
like to meet

Your first two clients
tonight?

- Sage, what could we ever do
to very much repays you?

- Oh, don't sweat it.

Have fun,
you young [bleep] machines.

[both laugh]

But if you would like
to pay me back--

You guys don't happen
to have, like,

A shower I could use
later tonight, do you?

Or maybe a place I could
take a nap inside?

- Okay, very much
weird turn here.

- I'll jerk you both off.

- ♪ get ready to go

♪

- No offense, none taken.

- ♪ ready to go

- You were on degrassi.

- I was, for, like,
17 years practically.

- Really?

Well, the show's been on
for 130 years, right?

- Exactly, so--

- It seems to me like
people in canada

Know a lot more
about the states

Than people in the states
know about canada.

- Yes, I would definitely
say that's true.

- Like, who's the first
president of canada?

- Okay, well,
we don't have presidents.

- Okay, that's
the first problem.

- That's the first thing.
- Who would be the first--

- We have prime ministers.

- Who was the first
prime minister of canada?

- And his name was
sir john a. Macdonald.

- [laughs]
- and I'm--

It's true though.

[rock music]

[school bell rings]
- [whistles]

Okay, listen up,
everybody.

Same rules as last year.

You wanna go out,
you tap your tree,

Gather your sap,
and the first coupling

To bring back one liter
of maple syrup wins.

- You need tips
on tappin' that sap, eh?

- Oh, no, I listened
to the rules

Very intently, so no.
Thank you though.

- I'm not talking about sap.

I'm talking about sex.
- Oh.

No, I went to nurse teacher.

I put a squid in my exit,
so I'm good to go.

- That's all there is to it.

Nobody wins
and nobody has fun.

Hey.
[blows whistle]

- Ooh, my sex prep kit.

Better safe than sorry.

- ♪ I think about you

♪ and my world
just comes alive ♪

♪ prettiest girl
I dream about ♪

♪ she's not coming over

- Oh, no.

Let me give you a pull.

- [grunts]
- sorry.

I'm sorry about this mess.

You must think I'm monstrous.
- Oh, no.

Sex helps our vast country
stay populated.

[pop music ringtone plays]

- Oh, pardon.

Someone's phoning me
on my mobile.

Hello, this is michael gerald
mckenzie st. George.

- Mikey, I'm 1/10,000
kilometers dilated.

And I can't find
coach teacher.

[upbeat music]

- [humming]

Satisfactory.

- Do you think you could
come to the infirmatorium?

Mikey?

- ♪ yeah

- What's up, everybody?

It's me bryan la croix.

- Bryan, what's your
ideal date?

- We would kiss each other
on the mouth.

- Bryan, what beverages
do you like to drink?

- Of course water.
A shout-out to water.

- Bryan, what do you think
of the haters?

- Just a quick message
to the all critics

Who have been
savaging my book--

Uh, it's not for you,
it's for the fans.

Shout-out to maureen
who lit herself on fire

In protest against the critics'
negative response.

I hope the burns didn't
melt your face too bad.

And I'll come
and give you a kiss

On the cheek real soon.

- ♪ yeah

- And stay tuned for
bryan la croix's

New music video after
"wheels ontario."

- Oh, good, you're here.

Come on in.
I'm sorry.

I'm on tokyo time.

- Oh, that's very much
a coincidence,

'cause I like to jerk off
to asian girls.

- Did you brush your teeth?
- Basically.

Dentyne ice mint.
- All right.

I got a plane to catch.

We got two hours,
let's go.

Oh, you're circumcised,
right?

- Basically, it looks like
a teenage mutant ninja turtle--

Heroes in a half shell,
brah.

- Oh, [bleep].

- [crying]

So is this your first time
hiring an escort, or--

- We've saved up
for a while.

- Yeah.
- Oh, cool.

[crying]

- [exhales]

Are you ready for this?

[soft piano music]

I don't know, bro.

This is a big deal,

Lifelong dream
coming to fruition.

- Hello?
I'm out here waiting.

Whenever you're ready.

- Bobby, you gotta
step up.

You're the man in this
situation right now.

God knows peter's probably
crying like a little baby.

- Cry, baby, cry.

- Cry, baby, cry.
- Cry, baby.

- Where are you
from originally?

- Massachusetts.
- Oh, "taxachusettes."

- Oh, ain't that the truth?
- You a red sox fan?

- A little bit.
- Get out of my face.

[laughs]

- Uh-oh, look what
the cat dragged in.

- All right.
Let's do this.

- Ooh. You must
be so stressed out,

Being a working woman.

- Okay, I got an uber
picking me up in 16 minutes.

- Who's uber?
- It's my cab.

- I'll drive you
to the airport.

You don't need
some [bleep] guy

Taking you to the airport.

- It's a cab service.

- Look, you're my girlfriend.
- No, I'm not.

- Then what are you?
What are we doing here?

- I'm paying you
to [bleep] me.

- Oh.

Oh, is that what you want?
- Yeah.

- You just want me
to [bleep] you?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Well, why didn't you

[bleep] say so?
- I said it.

Okay?
Mmm.

- My mother's gonna love you.

- Okay.

I'm getting my vibrator.

- What do you mean?
You didn't get anything?

- She wouldn't pay me
in good conscience,

Because due to some
un-foreskin events,

I was unable to appease
an erection.

- Well, what about you?
- Oh, it was great.

Very weird, blew my mind,
very fun,

- Money.
- Oh, no.

I felt bad asking my new
mommy and daddy for money.

- Hey.

You the mother[bleep] that

Been turning tricks
on our turf?

- Hey, relax, guy.

- Hey. You relax, guy.

I don't like people
coming in and

Suckin' and [bleep]
on our streets.

- You wanna know what
my problem is with you, bro?

Your bad breath.

And there's only
one solution for that.

[deep breath]

Necklace mint?

- Don't mind if I do.

[laughter]

All right.
You guys are pretty cool.

You wanna live
in a house with us?

- A gigolo house?
- Yeah.

- ♪ get ready to go

- It's date night
usa tonight.

- I'm a prostitute.

- Welcome to gigolo house.

- And you haven't
lost your virginity yet?

- No. No, no, no.
I haven't.

But, you know what I mean?

Like, I got close
a couple months ago.

- Mm-hmm.
- [chuckles]

- He doesn't know
we're rolling yet.

- A girl let me
finger her.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- It was gross.

- Breathe in,
breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.
- [panting]

- Push, toons.

- Ooh, ooh.

There you go, toons,
just like that.

[soft music]

♪ you made me

♪ god only knows
you saved me ♪

♪ and I know it shows

♪ if I only I could
ever be ♪

- Aah. Aah!

- Push harder, toons.

- [screaming]

- Why don't you calm down,
toons?

You're making a mess.
- Aah.

[screams]

- Looks how much blood
this is, toons.

- [whimpers]

- ♪ just put that
just for me to see ♪

♪ I wonder

♪ tell me

♪ tell me that
you're by my side ♪

- Oh, god,
here it comes.

Ooh, it's a female.

- Toons, I know
this is weird timing,

But sex is so scary.

[baby crying]

- Okay, okay.

Good round.
Good, good.

[blows whistle weakly]

Cool, seems like
we have a winner here.

There's a real feather
in her cap.

Uh, teachers have homework too,
so wrap it up.

[school bell rings]

Oh, sorry I'm late there.

Couldn't leave the sap boil
unsupervised, could I?

Here you go, brought you
some maple syrup,

Just for you health there.
- Aw, right on.

Breakfast in bed.
- [chuckles]

- Hey, coach teacher,
was collette upset with me?

- Well, mikey,
she sure was.

But then she saw
what a good friend

You'd been to toons,

And she changed her tune
about you.

In fact, mikey, she's waiting
in my classroom right now.

No excuses there, boy.

- Congratulations, toons.

Congratulations,
coach teacher.

You're gonna make
a wonderful father.

- [chuckles]
never me.

I signed a waiver of interest
in child.

But toons here will qualify
for government support checks,

Won't ya?

- I do love receiving mail.

- Outstanding.
Peace out.

- Oh, peace out.
- Peace out.

- Oh, peace out.

[school bell rings]

- ♪ you're all I know

- Wow.

You taste like a tim hortons
maple-dipped donut.

- And my drive-thru's open
all night.

- [chuckles]

- ♪ as I look
through this telescope ♪

- [gasps]

- Aah!

- All this blood is making me
conflicted about sex.

- Sex helps our vast country
stay populated.

- I signed a waiver
of interest in child.

- Whoa.

- If you're nervous,

You can have
some of this.

- Maybe just one
confidence gulp?

- Mm.

- Spicy.

[school bell rings]

- [whistles]

[indistinct p.A. Announcement]

Oh, hey there, michael.

- Ooh.

Ouch.
- So, mikey.

Did you pop your don cherry?

- I don't know.

- Get off my foot.
- I'm not on your foot.

- Get off my foot.
- Don't push me, man.

- Don't do violence, man.
- Stop requested.

- Stop it, man.

Don't reroll the tarp
on the bus.

- Don't tell me
what to do, man.

You live your life.

- I'm not giving you
these socks back, man.

- You better give me those.

I'll pull 'em right
off of your feet.

- This guy stole a lobster
from pike's in seattle.

- Hi, honey.

- Just getting rid
of my toys, mom.

I'm ready for
the real thing.

[train engine chugging]

[pop music]

♪ whoa, whoa, girl

♪ could you be the first
to take me all the way? ♪

♪ I ain't a little boy
no more ♪

♪ I'm throwin' my toys away

♪ trade my scooter
for a skateboard ♪

♪ leave the crust
on my bread ♪

♪ I'm done with
taking baths ♪

♪ I'm taking showers instead

♪ got my braces off

♪ I'm almost ready
to shave ♪

♪ I'm not afraid
of cooties ♪

♪ I'm all manly and brave

♪ so send in a selfie

♪ and in ten words
or less ♪

♪ tell us why you
got to be the one ♪

♪ to win this contest

♪ the first time is sacred

♪ wanna share it with you

♪ to get with me naked

♪ girl, one thing
you got to do ♪

- ♪ whoa

♪ you got
to enter to win ♪

♪ a chance to be with me

♪ so I can enter you
and lose my virginity ♪

♪ you must be 18 to win

♪ no purchase necessary

♪ and I'm like
whoa, whoa, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, come on, baby

♪ enter to win

- It's the enter to win
sweepstakes.

One grand prize winner
and three friends

Will be flown to ontario,
where they'll get

To meet bryan in a hotel
and take his virginity.

Get your parents' okay
to take a selfie

And send it in
a stamped envelope

To the bryan la croix
fan club.

- ♪ got to enter to win

♪ a chance to be with me

♪ so I can enter you
and lose my virginity ♪

♪ come on, girl,
don't be shy ♪

I'm so excited for whoever
wins the contest.

It's gonna be
a really tender night.

- And watch "wheels ontario"
weekends at 9:00.

- Haha.

Good at bizness.

[ethereal vocal chant music]

- [grunts]

[gasps]

No offense, none taken.

- ♪ ohh

- [grunts]