Original subtitles

- Hey, it's 4:00 p.M. On Sunday again.

And it's time to show us your songs, toronto.

[upbeat music]

♪

- You know him as mikey from "wheels ontario."

It's bryan la croix. - Pardon.

- French-canadian contortionist julie francois.

- Bonjour.

- And from two generations of "wheels ontario,"

It's gene creemers.

- Show us your songs, toronto.

Ladies and gentlemen, the tension is palpable

Here at the "show us your songs, toronto" finals.

Bryan, how are you feeling about the competition today?

- Gene, so excited to be here.

All the "bryantologists" out there,

Shout-out to all of you.

I love all my fans.

Gene, what have you been up to?

- Oh, just doing the tv show

I've been doing for the last 25 years.

It's called "wheels ontario."

Have you heard of it there, bryan?

- Yeah, I play mikey on "wheels ontario."

I'm just excited that it was a platform for me

To get a little further along in my music career.

And hopefully I won't be on there much longer.

- Oh, do you have a music career?

- Yeah, I've got a new single coming out

Called "enter to win," and, um--

- Okay, and all these contestants today

On "show us your songs" are entered to win

The competition "show us your songs, toronto."

Here we go with our first act.

Let's get it rollin'.

She's canada's sweetheart.

She's coming out right now.

It's mary belle edwards.

Oh, show us your song there.

[soft music]

- ♪ land of the silver birch

♪ home of the beaver

♪ where still the mighty moose ♪

♪ wanders at will

- Oh! - Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

- And as to the drummer, I just wanna

Apologize to your people and your ancestors

For spilling your blood all over this country

For the past hundreds of years.

But that said, what a fandango, okay.

[laughs]

And I'd just like to give you a little surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen-- - mary belle,

You're gonna be a guest star on "wheels ontario."

- Oh, my gosh. - "wheels ontario."

- Oh, my gosh.

- Okay. - Oh.

- Okay. - She's gonna guest star

On "wheels ontario" with me bryan la croix.

- Okay, bryan, you've won nothing.

Come back to the judges' table.

- And we might even have a makeout scene.

- The only actor who's been in two generations

Of "wheels ontario" is gene creemers.

[dubstep music]

♪

- The first time I went to canada was

I was at summer camp,

And my group went to montreal.

I went to a peep show, which is just, like--

But this is pre-internet,

Where you would go to a booth

With a little curtain and close it.

And you could choose, like, different videos to watch.

And, uh, I jerked off in a booth.

So--

Who gets to edit this show?

[laughter]

[school bell rings]

- Attention, today's remembrance day.

So remember to pick up your canadian heroes

Tea towel in the cafetorium.

- Hey, legs, over here.

- Oh, hey, cameron. - [scoffs]

"cameron" is my parental guardian's name, all right?

Call me cam. - Okay, cool.

Cam. - You know what?

You should get a partner for the maple syrup games tonight.

Everybody gets lucky after the sap boil.

- Cam, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I've never been with a girl before.

- Why don't you ask collette?

She's a real calgary flame.

- Collette--the prime minister of student parliament?

- Hey there, buddy. How you doing there, mike?

- Oh, hey, coach teacher.

- Pardon me for over-listening,

But heard you're ready to have some sex there then.

- Thinkin' about it.

- Collette's as fine a specimen as any

To start out with.

I'm on my way to the school nurse.

Why don't you heard there with me,

Get ya a sex prep kit?

- Oh, far out.

- Let's do it, eh?

[upbeat music]

♪

- You're in luck.

Got the very last government-issued sex kit here.

- Oh, cool. - Okay.

I know sex can be scary sometimes.

So this will help you make it fun and safe.

Here's a maple-flavored dental dam.

It also glows in the dark.

That's if you want to perform some cunnilingus,

And you can also try rimming.

Here's a vibrator for you.

We've got the butt plug as well.

Can use it for someone's exit.

- It looks like a squid.

- Do you have any questions for me, michael?

- What if I'm not good at sex?

Or what if I'm so good at it,

I become obsessed with it?

Or what if it's something I don't even know?

I guess it just all feels so complicated.

- Well, I would try the butt plug.

Yeah. - Cool.

- One thing, I would recommend using

Some other prophylactics, unless you wanna

End up like your friend toons over there.

- Breathe it on out. Breathe it on out, toons.

And breathe out. And good.

That slimy little butterball's

Gonna drop right out of you. [chuckles]

- Oh, hey, mikey. - Oh, hey, toons.

Hey, coach teacher. What are you doing down here?

- Oh, I'm not just a whirling coach.

I also coach canadian lamaze.

- And he's the father.

- Oh, how far along are you, toons?

- Ten months. - Oh, so you got time.

- Well, mwah.

Gotta go to the cafetorium,

Work my shift at the junior needle exchange.

You be good, you be good.

- Thanks for sticking around, mikey.

- Oh, I gotta go. Peace out, toons.

- Peace out.

- Hey, collette, I don't know

If we've ever formally been introduced,

But my name's mikey.

- Gosh, I thought your name was legs.

- Oh, no, that's my casual goof name

That everyone call me 'cause they hate me.

- Well, you just tell them to hush up.

- Maybe I won't be so harsh, but I'll do that.

- Say, I'd love to stay and chat, eh,

But I have minutes to proofread, so--

- Oh, no doubt, no doubt.

Hey, I was wondering, collette,

Would you be game to being my partner

At the maple games tonight?

- Of course I will. I'll see you there.

- Oh, cool. - Pardon me.

- Awesome. That's really exciting.

- Oh, pardon me. - Pardon.

I guess I've got a date--

A date with intercourse.

[school bell rings]

- You don't listen to me about this.

- I'm not gonna--

- You got my jacket wet, man.

Don't-- give me my glasses.

May I have my glasses back?

- We gotta go to venice.

We gotta get your dog in [bleep] bakersfield.

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

- So let's go to bakersfield, get the dog--

- Because we can't-- you're not listening.

We can't go to bakersfield until we go to venice,

Prune my friend's trees, get some spaghetti--

Don't do violence, man.

Don't do violence. Chester!

- Man, you know what? Forget you.

- Chester, chill out, man.

I'll spill your ice coffee.

- Don't you [bleep]--

- Why do we do this, man?

- You're my best friend in the world.

- I love you, brother. I love you, brother.

What are you doing, man?

That is not cool. Give it.

- Let's regroup and, you know--

- I don't need to regroup. I'm grouped.

Let's go.

- Whoa, this cheese is great.

- You guys are the editors-- now you know that,

'cause you will have putted the chyron--

"you will have 'putted' the chyron"?

- Yeah. - You will have put the chyron

That says, "bill, dan, editors."

- Yeah, this is guaranteed to make the show.

- What are some of your passions, dan?

- Uh, tv. I like video games. Um, I'm--

- You sound like a [bleep] monster to me.

- [chuckles] yeah. Well, not really.

I lost my virginity when I was,

I think, 23 or 24. - Okay.

Well, good on you, it's gone.

I was--I was 19.

- I mean, it's kind of late.

It's a little late. - Yeah.

But you've been banging out since then

Like a mother[bleep], right?

- [chuckles]

No offense, could I ask you a question?

Are you hardly working?

'cause I'm hardly hard.

That didn't come out right.

- Oh, you dug yourself a beautiful hole, bro.

- That'll be 2.89.

- Okay, maybe try this card,

From jesus christ himself.

[beep] - this is declined.

- That's impossible.

The church has never been stronger.

How about you try this card that pitbull gave me

Directly in a commercial for vodka?

- This doesn't have a magnetic strip at the end.

- All right. - You know what--

- I wanna pay money too.

- Okay, it's obvious you guys don't have any money.

- Interesting. - Mm-hmm.

- Peter, take a step back with me to discuss business.

- Two seconds.

- Dude, we are in financial duress right now.

We need to figure out a way out of this mess, bro.

- Gotta find out a way to make some money

Without losing our integrity.

[dubstep music]

♪

- ♪ get ready to go

♪ get ready to go

- So sage, bro, you gotta talk to us.

We have so many questions, bro.

What are we doing here?

- It is very warm in here, and I like it.

So what's your plan, gentlemen?

- Basically, p90x, crossfit.

I shave my shoulders.

And I just bought a tongue scraper.

- Chicks don't do that.

- So what do then, they very much go for?

Mints inside of necklaces, bro?

Both: Oh. - That's a start.

You gotta have your own style.

What looks best on you?

What makes you feel the sexiest?

- Having sex outside. - Okay.

Well, for me as far as upstairs, goatee.

As far as downstairs, goatee, bro.

- My pubes are shaved into gargoyle wings.

[phone vibrates]

- Guys, how would you like to meet

Your first two clients tonight?

- Sage, what could we ever do to very much repays you?

- Oh, don't sweat it.

Have fun, you young [bleep] machines.

[both laugh]

But if you would like to pay me back--

You guys don't happen to have, like,

A shower I could use later tonight, do you?

Or maybe a place I could take a nap inside?

- Okay, very much weird turn here.

- I'll jerk you both off.

- ♪ get ready to go

♪

- No offense, none taken.

- ♪ ready to go

- You were on degrassi.

- I was, for, like, 17 years practically.

- Really?

Well, the show's been on for 130 years, right?

- Exactly, so--

- It seems to me like people in canada

Know a lot more about the states

Than people in the states know about canada.

- Yes, I would definitely say that's true.

- Like, who's the first president of canada?

- Okay, well, we don't have presidents.

- Okay, that's the first problem.

- That's the first thing. - Who would be the first--

- We have prime ministers.

- Who was the first prime minister of canada?

- And his name was sir john a. Macdonald.

- [laughs] - and I'm--

It's true though.

[rock music]

[school bell rings] - [whistles]

Okay, listen up, everybody.

Same rules as last year.

You wanna go out, you tap your tree,

Gather your sap, and the first coupling

To bring back one liter of maple syrup wins.

- You need tips on tappin' that sap, eh?

- Oh, no, I listened to the rules

Very intently, so no. Thank you though.

- I'm not talking about sap.

I'm talking about sex. - Oh.

No, I went to nurse teacher.

I put a squid in my exit, so I'm good to go.

- That's all there is to it.

Nobody wins and nobody has fun.

Hey. [blows whistle]

- Ooh, my sex prep kit.

Better safe than sorry.

- ♪ I think about you

♪ and my world just comes alive ♪

♪ prettiest girl I dream about ♪

♪ she's not coming over

- Oh, no.

Let me give you a pull.

- [grunts] - sorry.

I'm sorry about this mess.

You must think I'm monstrous. - Oh, no.

Sex helps our vast country stay populated.

[pop music ringtone plays]

- Oh, pardon.

Someone's phoning me on my mobile.

Hello, this is michael gerald mckenzie st. George.

- Mikey, I'm 1/10,000 kilometers dilated.

And I can't find coach teacher.

[upbeat music]

- [humming]

Satisfactory.

- Do you think you could come to the infirmatorium?

Mikey?

- ♪ yeah

- What's up, everybody?

It's me bryan la croix.

- Bryan, what's your ideal date?

- We would kiss each other on the mouth.

- Bryan, what beverages do you like to drink?

- Of course water. A shout-out to water.

- Bryan, what do you think of the haters?

- Just a quick message to the all critics

Who have been savaging my book--

Uh, it's not for you, it's for the fans.

Shout-out to maureen who lit herself on fire

In protest against the critics' negative response.

I hope the burns didn't melt your face too bad.

And I'll come and give you a kiss

On the cheek real soon.

- ♪ yeah

- And stay tuned for bryan la croix's

New music video after "wheels ontario."

- Oh, good, you're here.

Come on in. I'm sorry.

I'm on tokyo time.

- Oh, that's very much a coincidence,

'cause I like to jerk off to asian girls.

- Did you brush your teeth? - Basically.

Dentyne ice mint. - All right.

I got a plane to catch.

We got two hours, let's go.

Oh, you're circumcised, right?

- Basically, it looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle--

Heroes in a half shell, brah.

- Oh, [bleep].

- [crying]

So is this your first time hiring an escort, or--

- We've saved up for a while.

- Yeah. - Oh, cool.

[crying]

- [exhales]

Are you ready for this?

[soft piano music]

I don't know, bro.

This is a big deal,

Lifelong dream coming to fruition.

- Hello? I'm out here waiting.

Whenever you're ready.

- Bobby, you gotta step up.

You're the man in this situation right now.

God knows peter's probably crying like a little baby.

- Cry, baby, cry.

- Cry, baby, cry. - Cry, baby.

- Where are you from originally?

- Massachusetts. - Oh, "taxachusettes."

- Oh, ain't that the truth? - You a red sox fan?

- A little bit. - Get out of my face.

[laughs]

- Uh-oh, look what the cat dragged in.

- All right. Let's do this.

- Ooh. You must be so stressed out,

Being a working woman.

- Okay, I got an uber picking me up in 16 minutes.

- Who's uber? - It's my cab.

- I'll drive you to the airport.

You don't need some [bleep] guy

Taking you to the airport.

- It's a cab service.

- Look, you're my girlfriend. - No, I'm not.

- Then what are you? What are we doing here?

- I'm paying you to [bleep] me.

- Oh.

Oh, is that what you want? - Yeah.

- You just want me to [bleep] you?

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Well, why didn't you

[bleep] say so? - I said it.

Okay? Mmm.

- My mother's gonna love you.

- Okay.

I'm getting my vibrator.

- What do you mean? You didn't get anything?

- She wouldn't pay me in good conscience,

Because due to some un-foreskin events,

I was unable to appease an erection.

- Well, what about you? - Oh, it was great.

Very weird, blew my mind, very fun,

- Money. - Oh, no.

I felt bad asking my new mommy and daddy for money.

- Hey.

You the mother[bleep] that

Been turning tricks on our turf?

- Hey, relax, guy.

- Hey. You relax, guy.

I don't like people coming in and

Suckin' and [bleep] on our streets.

- You wanna know what my problem is with you, bro?

Your bad breath.

And there's only one solution for that.

[deep breath]

Necklace mint?

- Don't mind if I do.

[laughter]

All right. You guys are pretty cool.

You wanna live in a house with us?

- A gigolo house? - Yeah.

- ♪ get ready to go

- It's date night usa tonight.

- I'm a prostitute.

- Welcome to gigolo house.

- And you haven't lost your virginity yet?

- No. No, no, no. I haven't.

But, you know what I mean?

Like, I got close a couple months ago.

- Mm-hmm. - [chuckles]

- He doesn't know we're rolling yet.

- A girl let me finger her.

- Really? - Yeah.

- It was gross.

- Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out. - [panting]

- Push, toons.

- Ooh, ooh.

There you go, toons, just like that.

[soft music]

♪ you made me

♪ god only knows you saved me ♪

♪ and I know it shows

♪ if I only I could ever be ♪

- Aah. Aah!

- Push harder, toons.

- [screaming]

- Why don't you calm down, toons?

You're making a mess. - Aah.

[screams]

- Looks how much blood this is, toons.

- [whimpers]

- ♪ just put that just for me to see ♪

♪ I wonder

♪ tell me

♪ tell me that you're by my side ♪

- Oh, god, here it comes.

Ooh, it's a female.

- Toons, I know this is weird timing,

But sex is so scary.

[baby crying]

- Okay, okay.

Good round. Good, good.

[blows whistle weakly]

Cool, seems like we have a winner here.

There's a real feather in her cap.

Uh, teachers have homework too, so wrap it up.

[school bell rings]

Oh, sorry I'm late there.

Couldn't leave the sap boil unsupervised, could I?

Here you go, brought you some maple syrup,

Just for you health there. - Aw, right on.

Breakfast in bed. - [chuckles]

- Hey, coach teacher, was collette upset with me?

- Well, mikey, she sure was.

But then she saw what a good friend

You'd been to toons,

And she changed her tune about you.

In fact, mikey, she's waiting in my classroom right now.

No excuses there, boy.

- Congratulations, toons.

Congratulations, coach teacher.

You're gonna make a wonderful father.

- [chuckles] never me.

I signed a waiver of interest in child.

But toons here will qualify for government support checks,

Won't ya?

- I do love receiving mail.

- Outstanding. Peace out.

- Oh, peace out. - Peace out.

- Oh, peace out.

[school bell rings]

- ♪ you're all I know

- Wow.

You taste like a tim hortons maple-dipped donut.

- And my drive-thru's open all night.

- [chuckles]

- ♪ as I look through this telescope ♪

- [gasps]

- Aah!

- All this blood is making me conflicted about sex.

- Sex helps our vast country stay populated.

- I signed a waiver of interest in child.

- Whoa.

- If you're nervous,

You can have some of this.

- Maybe just one confidence gulp?

- Mm.

- Spicy.

[school bell rings]

- [whistles]

[indistinct p.A. Announcement]

Oh, hey there, michael.

- Ooh.

Ouch. - So, mikey.

Did you pop your don cherry?

- I don't know.

- Get off my foot. - I'm not on your foot.

- Get off my foot. - Don't push me, man.

- Don't do violence, man. - Stop requested.

- Stop it, man.

Don't reroll the tarp on the bus.

- Don't tell me what to do, man.

You live your life.

- I'm not giving you these socks back, man.

- You better give me those.

I'll pull 'em right off of your feet.

- This guy stole a lobster from pike's in seattle.

- Hi, honey.

- Just getting rid of my toys, mom.

I'm ready for the real thing.

[train engine chugging]

[pop music]

♪ whoa, whoa, girl

♪ could you be the first to take me all the way? ♪

♪ I ain't a little boy no more ♪

♪ I'm throwin' my toys away

♪ trade my scooter for a skateboard ♪

♪ leave the crust on my bread ♪

♪ I'm done with taking baths ♪

♪ I'm taking showers instead

♪ got my braces off

♪ I'm almost ready to shave ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of cooties ♪

♪ I'm all manly and brave

♪ so send in a selfie

♪ and in ten words or less ♪

♪ tell us why you got to be the one ♪

♪ to win this contest

♪ the first time is sacred

♪ wanna share it with you

♪ to get with me naked

♪ girl, one thing you got to do ♪

- ♪ whoa

♪ you got to enter to win ♪

♪ a chance to be with me

♪ so I can enter you and lose my virginity ♪

♪ you must be 18 to win

♪ no purchase necessary

♪ and I'm like whoa, whoa, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, come on, baby

♪ enter to win

- It's the enter to win sweepstakes.

One grand prize winner and three friends

Will be flown to ontario, where they'll get

To meet bryan in a hotel and take his virginity.

Get your parents' okay to take a selfie

And send it in a stamped envelope

To the bryan la croix fan club.

- ♪ got to enter to win

♪ a chance to be with me

♪ so I can enter you and lose my virginity ♪

♪ come on, girl, don't be shy ♪

I'm so excited for whoever wins the contest.

It's gonna be a really tender night.

- And watch "wheels ontario" weekends at 9:00.

- Haha.

Good at bizness.

[ethereal vocal chant music]

- [grunts]

[gasps]

No offense, none taken.

- ♪ ohh

- [grunts]