All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S02E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

I'm c-czar.
Blah, blah, blah.

I'm about to become
a teenage dad.

And now six experts are gonna
teach me how to be the one thing

That I never had
in my own life--a dad.

For every papa quiz I pass,
I get a dope-ass tattoo.

Welcome to this is dad academy.

Excuse me.

Oh, snap,
it's a little c-czar.

I know. It's crazy.
Can you believe it?

I understand
that if I want to see

The shorty making my baby,

I must come correct,

Which I will,
tiny professor.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye. I love you, c-czar.

So today I'm meeting
my first dad expert,

And I'm excited
but also annoyed.

- I'm the wallet.

- Why do I call you a wallet?
You just a man.

- In the structure
of this show,

The dad academy,
I represent the wallet.

I'm the financial portion
of the dad program,

And it's my job to get you
financially sound today

So that you can become
the good dad we know you can be.

We brought you to a place

That you can afford
on your current budget.

- Okay.
- C-czar.

- What?
- I think the results

Are going to shock
and horrify you.

- For real?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- C-czar, this is it.

- Oh, snap,
this place is awesome.

- No, this place
is not awesome.

- That's my old crate.

- What?
- This is my house?

- That's a kennel for a dog.
- This is what I lived in

For the first two years
of my life, c-czar.

I was crate-trained.

- He's calling me c-czar.
Is that...?

- I'm comfortable in here.

- That as it may be,
the house is actually this way.

- Oh, snap, sweet house.

Oh, snap,
my very own bathroom.

Let them eat cake.

Okay, this is where baby c-czar
will sleep.

Okay.
Oh, snap, this is all mine?

All right,
I'm gonna sign my lease.

- So, c-czar, how are you
finding your...?

Who wrote on the wall?

- Uh, that was here
when I got here.

- Okay, c-czar, now good daddies
can't be fibbers.

- [vomiting]

[toilet flushing]

- Liz, is it swimsuit season?

- Mm?

- 'cause you just, like,
ralphed.

I could tell that there was
something wrong with liz

'cause we're like twins.

People mistake us
for one another all the time

And not just on the phone.

- Liz, I don't want to say
anything too early,

Because, like, I wanted to be,
like, a lady about it,

'cause that's, like, my vibe,
but, like, honestly,

The cat's, like, pretty much out
of the bun, and, like...

- What?

- I'm pregnant.

- Wha--

That's amazing.
- Thank you.

- I'm liz.

My body's changing,
and so are my priorities.

- And I'm liz.

If I have to do all the work,

Then I'm not going
to work at all.

I'm the bigger one.

- And this is temporary.

Our p.R. Firm
is called publizity.

[both slurping]

- It's based off our names.

- You have milk voice.
- Shut up, liz.

- I'm keeping it this time.

- Amazing.
- Thank you.

- O.M.G., I'm sorry.
I didn't realize

You could get pregnant from
a guy blasting on your stomach.

I'm trying to think
about the different guys

That have probably [bleep]
on your stomach

That you would then scoop
that [bleep] into your vagina,

Like, using a piece of paper
or, like--

- Well, that would be, like,
an alternative list,

Because, like, this time,
the fellow,

Like, actually,
like, looked me

Right into my face,
and, like, when he saw my face,

That's exactly the moment that,
like, he shot up his stuff,

Like, right inside
of my thing.

The father of the baby
is a toilet baby, c-czar,

And, like, I don't care
who knows that,

Except for, like,
most of the people that I know.

Like, I don't want them
to know,

'cause I'm, like, horrified
by it

And, like, very embarrassed.

Cassandra,
give me the bucket.

[breathes heavily]

[spits]

I just keep throwing up.

- Are you sure
that's not some guy's...

- What?

Oh, the stuff?

Who can never be sure?

- ♪ extraordinary

♪ girl

- My doctor says that I need
to be in bed rest.

- Keeping a baby?
Bed rest?

Um, I was about
to lose my cool.

I heard, like, people die
if they stop working.

- If that is the case,

I would be a ghost
blinking at you

From the other dimension.

- Right, but you can still work
from home.

You have a computer.

- Like, I will be at home,

But, like, my niece denise
is coming to visit me.

So, like, I might actually be,
like, impossible to reach.

- Wait. Your niece denise
is coming to visit you?

- Mm.
- Wait. Your niece denise

Is coming to visit you?
- Mm.

My niece denise is coming
to visit me in los angeles,

And, like, frankly...

I don't...

Know what to do
with a child.

Like, honestly, liz,
maybe you can't, like,

Understand what I'm saying
'cause I'm speaking

To you from, like,
within the circle of women

Who, like, are lucky enough
to become mothers.

- Like, I think I could probably
do a much better job

Of taking care
of your niece denise

Or your own baby or this
business than you ever could.

- Like, I'm gonna take
my own advice,

And, like, I'm gonna,
like, go to bed.

And that's
what you're left with.

So I'm storming out.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Cassandra!

Clear the bucket.
It's disgusting.

Coming up next...
- On publizity...

Where's my niece denise?

- Yeah.
May I help you?

- I'm just, um, denise.

[dramatic music]

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- My grandmother
has seen publizity

And has said to me
four or five times,

"you look gorgeous
on the show.

But the other woman is a mess."

And then I say, "no, nana,
that's my friend nick.

That's the man."

And then she says,
"no, it isn't."

She says,
"no, it isn't."

[beep]

[upbeat music]

Both:
Oh, hello.

[jazz music]

- Of course, I'm gil faizon.

- And I'm george st. Geegland.

- This is our prank show,
too much tuna.

- This is the show
where we prank our dear friends

By giving them
too much tuna fish.

- The new thing is prank.

Both:
Today's episode is...

- Our guest today
on too much tuna

Is our dear friend
from great britain, violet.

- Ooh, violet.
She's a great beauty.

Let's talk to her.

Violet, what do you do
with your time?

[keyboard music]

- You must have seen our ad
looking for a nanny.

- Yes.
- Flown here

For the job interview.

- You've got three boys,
and you're looking for a nanny.

- Uh-huh.
- And I'm a nanny,

And here I am.
- Yeah, we remember.

- I know.
So I just...

- Little did you know
that you would be pranked

With too much tuna.

So tell us about yourself.

- Um, well, I've been working
for ten years.

- Oh-ho-ho.

What is this?

What did you order?

- What has been placed
in front of you?

- What did you do?

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

I don't--

- You've been pranked.

- Look at that.
- Yep.

- Now, wouldn't you say
that that is...?

- So they--they're not coming,
the children?

- Who?
- The kids.

- What kids?

Oh, the fake ad.

No, there's no kids.
- No kids.

- No.
- There's one baby here.

- That guy right there.

- I don't even like tuna,
and you made me fly

All the way over here
from london.

- Why didn't you take the boat?
- Yeah.

I thought you were gonna take
a liner.

- So there's no job,
and there's no children and--

- May I ask you
a question?

And I don't--I don't mean
to be rude.

Do you have
[bleep] memento disease?

'cause every two minutes--
"is there a job?

Is there kids?"

There's no kids.
There's no job.

There's too much tuna.

You're on a prank show.

- Right.

- Would you sign a release?

[jazz music]

- Have you ever heard
of those people whose sex thing

Is that they want
to be babies?

- Yeah.
- God.

- Do you know what
the deal is with those people,

Like, who, like, they want
to dress like babies?

Like, do they [bleep]
at any point?

- I don't know.
I think they do.

But I think it's like,
"oh, you made a mess.

You're a bad baby."
- right.

- And then I think
when they get boners,

They all act
like it's such a surprise--

Like, look what the baby did.
[laughter]

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- So liz has abandoned us,

So it's up to us
to pick up the slack, okay?

[door closes]
- um, hello?

- Yeah.
May I help you?

- Um, I'm denise.

- Yeah, my name is liz.
I'm part of publizity.

It's based off our names.

- Uh...

Do you know
where my aunt elizabeth is?

- Okay, you guys, get
the [bleep] out of here, okay?

Hi, sweetheart.

- Um, I'm my aunt elizabeth's
niece denise.

And...

What the heck?

- That's cassandra.

You don't have
to pay attention to her, okay?

So you came here to see
your aunt elizabeth.

- Exactly. My aunt elizabeth
invited me to come

And visit her,
and so I did.

And she sent me
in a limousine from the airport.

I feel like I should call
my parents and tell them that...

[breathes deeply]

My aunt elizabeth
didn't come after the limo.

- Your parents talk
about your aunt elizabeth?

- They say that she's
a piece-of-trash person.

- You're funny.
I like you.

- You're funny.

You're basically the largest
woman I've ever seen.

- Oh, my god, thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Maybe we should, like,
go out to lunch

And just have,
like, girl talk.

- Is this a trick?

- Look, you have this sweet,
lost little girl.

It's, like, my mothering
instincts just, like...

[deep voice]
kick in.

[upbeat music]

♪

And, like, now
I just, like, want to eat salad.

It's, like, crazy.

It's, like,
that's what I'm craving.

So, like, that's
what I'm having for lunch.

- Nice shoes.
I like those.

- Oh, you like them?
- Yeah, they're great.

- Yeah, we got 'em
on a shopping spree today.

- It's amazing
what you can get shopping.

- Wait.
Hold on one second.

Are you a photographer?
- Yeah.

- Well, this is denise.
She's visiting.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Oh, my god.
I just had an amazing idea.

There's, like,
crazy artistic chemistry

Happening here.
[camera shutter clicking]

Would you be interested in doing
a photo shoot with denise

So she can get, like,
some head shots and stuff?

- What do you think?
I mean, of course I want

To take pictures of her.

- Am I being discovered
right now?

And if so, can you please take
my picture

By a coconut palm tree?

- I can take your picture
next to just about anything.

Let's start right now.
[cell phone buzzing]

- Okay, you know what?
I just have to take this call.

You guys sit down
and figure it out.

No, just do it.
I got to take this.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Hello? No, cassandra!

You're being a [bleep] idiot!
- Liz!

Liz.

Oh, we're starting?
[camera shutter clicks]

Can I see?

[camera shutter clicks]
can I see?

- Oh, these are great.
[camera shutter clicks]

- Can I see it?

[camera shutter clicks]
may I please see it?

[camera shutter clicks]
oh, that was a wink.

- Oh, my god,
I see magazine covers here.

- Really?
Do you know where liz went?

- Who's liz?

- Liz is my...
[camera shutter clicks]

Liz is my...
[camera shutter clicking]

Liz is my...

[camera shutter clicking]
- you're my niece now.

- Did you like marty mcfly?

- I loved marty mcfly.

He was my hero.

And I watched back to the future
again recently.

Marty mcfly is a 17-year-old
high-school student...

- Mm-hmm.

- Whose best friend is
a disgraced nuclear physicist.

And they never--

They never, ever explain
how they became friends.

- That's--
- they don't even try.

And we all accepted it.

We were like,
"oh, who's the best friend?

"a disgraced nuclear scientist?
Oh, okay, proceed.

Oh, very good."
[beep]

- Hey, excuse me.
No, sorry.

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
please, don't--

Don't take the sandwich.
- Excuse me.

- Excuse me.
Don't take the sandwich.

- Excuse me. What are you doing
taking private property?

- I thought this was, like,
what I got--a tuna sandwich.

- You don't get that.
We're gang-shooting these today.

- No vegetable has made
a bigger 180 in my lifetime

Than brussels sprouts,
I feel like.

Have I done this already?

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- How's the portrait
coming along, cassandra?

It's the key
to every photo ever taken of me,

And this is supposed to be for
my profile picture on facebook.

Oh, well, liz decided
to get out of bed for once.

- Has anyone seen
my niece denise?

- Oh, actually--
- cassandra, not now!

I'm busy!

- But--
- [groans]

- Stress is not good
for babies,

But, like, luckily
for the fetus,

I'm one of the chillest people
in california.

I am [bleep] flipping out
right now.

I know that my niece denise
got picked up from the airport

Because my limo app
keeps saying, "done-zo."

- Really, liz?

You send a limo
to pick up your niece?

I would have been in that limo,
because every niece

Deserves an aunt charming.

[grunting creepily]

I'm not always honest with you,
and I'm gonna be,

Like, completely honest
with you.

- So shoot it into my face.

- Yeah, like,
basically the idea

That you feel
like you're ready

To bring a baby into the world,
but you can't even keep track

Of your own niece denise...

- How dare you?

- You're at home,
like, doing nothing,

Like, home alone,
like, "aah," no.

I hope a big bucket of nails
runs into your face,

Like, at 100 miles per hour.

- Well, I just hope,
like, a glue sheet

Flies in your face
and you get, like, feathers.

- Oh, my god.

Honestly, I feel
so much pressure right now,

Because it's, like,
I'm taking care of the business.

I'm babysitting
your niece denise--

- Wait.
Hold on.

Did you see my niece denise?

- [murmurs]

- Honestly, if you saw
my niece denise

And you didn't even say anything
to me when you knew

Exactly where I was camped out

Not doing a single thing
or a stitch of work,

I'm, like, honestly, liz...

- Sorry.

- Cassandra!

Did you hear
the apology that liz gave to me?

Because I was not able
to hear it.

- I'm right behind you.
- [screams]

What is this?

I know this face.

I don't even know where.
It's like a...

- It's me.

- Oh, my god, liz.

You look, like--and I don't use
this word lightly--

Amazing.

- It's, like, a portrait,
like, based off my face.

- And that's, like,
such a spook-out,

'cause, like, honestly,
our company's,

Like, based off our names.
- Yeah.

Totally. It's, like, totally
based off our names.

And it's, like,
I'm sorry.

You're my best friend.

- Like, liz,
you're my best friend.

- And I just, like,
love you so much.

- I love you too, liz.

- Oh, my god, cassandra.

Why are you staring at us,
you, like, pervert?

- Get a girlfriend.
- Oh, my god.

[laughter]

- Um, but where is
my niece denise?

- [murmuring]
oh, my god.

- [deep voice]
you're my niece now.

- If you have any information
or tips about the whereabouts

Of this young woman,

Please send a stamped envelope

To publizity entertainment
or down to the precinct.

- ♪ I miss you

♪ when you're far away

- Ha ha.

- You've been living
beyond your means thus far.

- What does "means" mean?

- If I could just finish this
and we'll get through it,

We'll get on to the next thing.
- Okay.

- Three, two, one.

C-czar, we are--
- one, two, three.

- Oh, [bleep].
- One, two, three.

C-czar, listen.
Okay, go.