Original subtitles

[primitive flute and drum music]

♪

- [panting]

[exhales]

God, if you're out there,

This is nick kroll.

I will do anything to make this episode great.

Call upon me with any request, and it shall be done.

[thunder rumbles]

- [resonant voice] jolly ranchers.

- Sorry, what?

- Watermelon jolly ranchers.

- Watermelon jol...

Gonna write that down.

[thunder rumbles]

Jolly ranchers. Anything else?

- Starbursts.

- Got a little sweet tooth, huh?

[lightning cracks] - also skittles.

[string orchestra finale]

[dubstep music]

- [robotic voice] yeah!

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

♪

- What a ride, huh? - Been a crazy ride.

- Crazy ride.

- And here we are, wearing pastels.

- So good. Pastel shirts.

Television-- what are you gonna do?

I just want to give a shout out to my parents.

What's up, chris and cindy daly?

And austin and matt daly, what is up?

My brothers. - Oh, good looking out, man.

- Yeah. - You're on tv,

But you haven't forgotten about the fam.

- Yeah, cool. - [laughs]

[techno music] - excuse me, no offense,

But are you someone who is very much

And so much as interested in becoming married?

- Sure. - That's your choice.

That's not for me.

But I'm not the guy getting married.

I'm aka bobby bottleservice.

I'm the guy who's gonna do the marriage for you.

Bobby bottleservice full-service wedding service.

Oh, you're gonna ask me, "hey, bobby bottleservice,

How can you do this all on your own?"

[bleep]ing chill out,

And let me answer the question before you assault me like that.

I'm not gonna do it by myself, all right?

'cause I've got my best friend in the world,

Peter paparazzo, here... - [chortles]

To handle all the photography.

- Bridal party, bride and groom,

Asian, anal, upskirt.

- I'm gonna put together the most amazing wedding

You'd ever imagine in your life,

Which is how I imagine my marriage to be,

To the only woman I've ever loved--

[voice breaks] my mother.

Welcome to the bobby bottleservice

Full-service wedding service commercial.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Welcome to the wedding.

- That too. - Bride. Bride!

Give me your eyes! Give me your eyes!

- So do you, tim,

Take amy to have and to hold?

Even though, genetically,

You know what's gonna happen to her, with her mother?

- I do, I do. - You do?

Nice, let's do this.

- Let's do this. - Let's do it.

- Let's do this. - Let's do this.

- By the power of this vest on me--

Shots.

[booming dance music]

Yo, we're having a great time here

At the bobby bottleservice

Full-service wedding service commercial!

You gotta hire me to handle your wedding.

It's like, bobby's gonna be there to [bleep]ing bring it,

Whether or not, we're coming through!

Yo, I love this pla-- I love this party.

I love to do this for more than anything.

- You know what? Everyone had a fun time,

So I'm happy. I'd recommend him to anyone.

- Okay, I say very much with professionalism,

Call now, via text message,

And I'll get back to you with a very professional thing.

On that note, very much I would say to you both,

Mazel tov. Both: Not jewish.

- Thank god, 'cause they killed--

You know who they killed?

- Previously, on publizity...

- Will you make me the happiest football player in the nfl?

- Oh, my god. Nnamdi asomugha,

All-pro cornerback for the philadelphia eagles,

What are you doing?

I'm so happy.

[mendelssohn's wedding March]

- I'm liz.

- And I'm liz.

- Our pr firm is called publizity.

- It's based off our names.

- As with all my edible arrangements,

It is extremely urgent.

I need it at sony by 2:00. That's dos o'clock.

Thank you, gracias.

- ♪ free your body

Yeah, what's up, liz? - Hey, liz.

- [slurps] [ding]

- Liz.

[soprano opera aria]

What is that? Like, for real?

- Oh, what? This iced coffee?

Oh, my god, this. Are you talking about this?

- [chokes] - oh, my god,

This is my engagement ring to be married.

- Wha? - Wha?

Obvi it's not a race, but it is a contest.

And, like, I won.

You probably know who he is, 'cause he's, like,

A very famous professional athlete.

His name is nnamdi asomugha.

[Monday night football theme]

- Uh, this does not pass the smell test.

Like, it stinks. Like, it's fishy. Like--

Is he, like, rich, or, like, whatever?

- The kind of rich where, like, I'll never have

To worry, ever, about anything, ever again.

- Uh-huh. Wow, like, that's amazing.

- Yeah, it's pretty exciting. - [clears throat harshly]

I'm just, like, so happy for you,

Because you're, like, [bleep] years old

And, like, somehow this has worked out.

- I'm just, like, so happy for myself

And, like, so worried for you

Because, like, obviously, you're, like, [bleep] years old

And, like, you've obviously, like, spent your time

Partying and stuff like that. - Thank you.

- And it's starting to take its toll

On your face and your body.

- Well, I love to have fun.

- And, like, the boyfriends that you have had...

- Sure. - Were, like, really bad for you

And, like, come over and [bleep] on your stomach.

- Well, I love to have fun. - Yeah, no, totally.

- Totally. - Absolutely.

But, like, whatever works for you,

Like, works for you, and that's amazing.

[slurps]

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Later, on publizity...

- We have a problem.

All of nnamdi's friends are complaining

That the chairs are too small.

[lion roars]

[urban rock music]

[beep] both: Oh, hello.

- Of course, I'm gil faizon.

- And I'm george st. Geegland.

- And this is our prank show, too much tuna.

- Each week we prank a guest

By giving them too much tuna fish.

- Today our guest is my beautiful stepson,

Elon faizon.

So what's the deal, elon? You sexually active?

- Um, yeah, yeah. [stammers] I've had sex.

- Look, if you ever get a girl in trouble, you know,

And you need to get her out of trouble,

We know a guy.

- Dr. Wong. - Dr. Wong.

He's a back-alley guy.

The buzzer says "party planners u.S.A.,"

But it's a front for an abortion clinic.

- He's pretty thorough though. - He's pretty thorough.

You must be hungry.

Here it comes.

- Look at this big mountain of tuna fish.

- Yeah, that's a lot of tuna.

- What's the meaning of this?

- This is probably too much tuna.

- I'm a little confused, actually.

- Too much tuna. Pow.

- No, no, I get that. It's a lot of tuna.

It's just--

- That plate was delivered with entirely too much tuna fish.

- You asked me to come uptown to eat lunch with you.

- This is like that ashram kitchen show, punk'd.

- Or wilma vamerrami's blow momma.

- Yeah?

- That's it. - Don't, don't, don't--

- No, it's set to the lighting.

It's set to the lighting. - I see that there's lights.

There's cameras.

- No, I point out the camera.

There's a camera there. - Let me do this one.

And then there's a camera here. - There's a crew.

Can you get the crew? There's a crew of people

That walked into this room.

- These are people at the restaurant.

You don't know yet that it's a prank.

Does he know?

What do you think of the prank, you little [bleep]?

[pop music]

♪

- Hello, and welcome to barking up the right tree,

The show where we find the right dog

For the right owner.

I'm dr. Armond,

California's premier dog plastic surgeon.

- Today, we're in akron, ohio.

This is denise.

She recently lost her two prize pugs.

Hopefully, we can help her find a new dog.

Denise, what are you looking for in a dog?

- Something small, fat,

Kind of wheezy, with a pug face.

- Oh, no.

Not another old pattern repeating itself.

- Denise, I think you need a bigger dog.

You smothered your last two in your sleep.

- I've just... Had a couple pugs that I--

- Smothered in your sleep? - Yeah.

- Just accidents.

- It feels like denise has been going for "ca-nines,"

When she really deserves a "ca-ten."

- Well, denise, hopefully,

This show can get you barking up the right tree.

We set up a fun, little mingler

For denise to meet some new friends.

- I've mostly been with pugs. [titters]

Hope that doesn't bother you.

- Oh, no.

Denise is going about this all wrong.

- You're not gay, right?

- Denise?

- I'm open to bisexuals.

And australians. - Denise.

- Part of me wants to be completely overwhelmed

So that I'll be the one who's smothered in my sleep.

[deep drone]

- Or if you didn't want to, that's fine too.

- So, denise, do you want to press "paws,"

Or have you made a dog-cision?

- I've made a dog-cision.

And I've decided to go with potato.

- Potato?

I don't remember potato being one of the candidates.

- I brought him. Isn't he cute?

- Is he a pug?

- The heart loves what it loves. - Mm-hmm.

And what does your heart love, denise?

- Pugs!

- I guess you can't teach an old denise new tricks.

- [laughs] - so there you have it.

Sometimes we find love in the most unexpected places.

And now denise has a new leash on life.

And that's what you get when you bark up the right tree.

- I love pugs, I love pugs, I love pugs.

[dog barks]

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- I knew I needed to be sensitive

Telling liz about my engagement,

And it was time to smooth things over.

Hey. - Hey, liz.

- So, like, I was wondering,

Would you be my maid of honor?

- Liz, like, obvs I'm gonna do it.

I would love to. I'm flattered.

So on the second of all, I wanted to ask,

Would you be willing...

- What?

[slurps]

- To do the publicity for my wedding?

- [squeals]

- [stifled] it'd just, like, really help me out.

- Course, liz! Like--

- It's yours. Have fun with it.

- It's yours-- your wedding...Episode.

- Coming up next, on publizity...

Now I don't even know if there's gonna be a sponsor.

[bouncy guitar music]

All: Hi.

- Hey. - Hi!

- Hello?

Oh, hi. Are you with the bounce house?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm jeff.

- Oh, you are? Okay. We have a front door.

- Oh, sure.

- So you're-- I'm sorry, you're je--

You're not johnny then?

- No, no. Johnny's my brother.

He killed himself, so--

- Honey! - Um...

[clattering] I think your fence is broken.

- Yeah, it's not.

Or it wasn't. Be careful.

I really-- I don't want a lawsuit.

Honey! Um, that's--

- All right, kids! All right, kids!

[children scream] - [laughs wildly]

Not we're having fun already. All right, okay.

So it's bella's birthday, so she's running the show.

It's me... And then it's bella.

All right, this is the most exciting part. Kids!

Look at this.

- All right! - Come to life.

You look at this house get filled with air

Just like I watched the air leave my brother's body

When he killed himself in front of me.

- You know what, jeff? - What's that, mom?

- We're gonna maybe not visit that topic anymore.

- What's the snack situation?

- Making real heavy eye contact there, man.

- Oh, yeah. - Are you gay?

- Oh, what are you saying? No. - Is this a--

- I'm not a-- no, no.

Trust me, I had plenty of opportunities in prison

To do that, but I didn't.

Okay, all right.

Hey, bella!

Give uncle jeff a push in the tush.

It's uncle jeff.

You guys are sitting on where my brother passed.

This is a video.

You know, they just-- kids loved him.

They would just swarm him.

You know, I don't have that, uh, relationship with kids,

But you guys seem cool.

We should lock down plans.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, just hanging out with the kids.

Telling them stories. - Okay.

Kids, you wanna, um--

Who has to go to the bathroom? - I do.

- Everybody, come on. Here comes the cake.

It's bella's birthday. Let's make a wish.

- Wish my brother hadn't killed himself.

- Huh? - But, uh...

You know, what I also wish for is a new family.

And I feel like I-- [clears throat]

I feel like I have that with you guys.

So let's wish for that.

- [under breath] oh, my god.

- What's your favorite will smith movie?

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- I still need a flower girl

Because my family's a bunch of [bleep].

So I'm meeting with a friend of my colorist,

Who has a kid, to see if it's, like, a fit.

So, like, I was wondering if your daughter would be available

To be the flower girl at my wedding.

[slurps] - yeah, we could do that.

Kind of have the same hair.

- Yeah, yeah, so fun. - Right?

- She is perfect. - I think she'd do really well.

- Awesome, cool.

- I have lipstick on.

- I wear lipstick too.

What do you wear? Mac?

[slurps] - yes, hi.

I'm looking for the head of marketing

For under armour.

Work is turning out to be less fun than fun.

What? Oh, he's not there?

Well, uh, wait.

So, like, he'll call me back?

[growls]

Cassandra! Like, honestly!

Focus on what you're supposed to be doing!

Oh! This is so annoying!

- Okay, violet, throw the petals out

Like you're a flower girl, okay?

- Yeah. - You just throw 'em out.

- Okay, that's, like,

Not exactly how I would want it to go down.

So, like, if that happened at the wedding,

Like, I would probably freak out,

Like, in a major way.

Like, um, I will become a dragon monster.

- I called under armour, and they're, like,

At lunch or something.

I'm like, "what am I supposed to do?

Like, call you back?" - that's awful.

- Like, literally, you're gonna eat a sandwich right now

'cause it's, like, lunchtime or whatever?

It's like middle school stuff. Like, such drama.

Like, I feel like I'm in, like, middle school right now.

I feel like I'm, like, learning, like,

About, like, ancient egypt or, like, whatever.

Like, I'm like, "no, I don't really care about the pharaohs

Right now. I'm trying to get a sponsor!"

Like, I'm just, like, so upset about it.

I'm like, "either you call me-- like, I'm not gonna talk

About the pharaohs with you." like, it's not middle school.

- No, I understand. - 'cause, like,

That's something that's very important,

Like, in order to make this work and, like, get a sponsor

For liz's wedding. Like, you have to do it.

And, like, I'm gonna, like, go somewhere else.

- ♪ free your minutes

So what's up, girls? Where's liz?

- Um, she stepped out a couple hours ago.

- Excuse me, what?

Oh, look who the cat dragged in.

Where have you been? - [duck-like] what?

- I'm assuming, from your shopping bag,

That you're enjoying your leisure time,

Which means I assume that you've gotten under armour

To sign on to be the sponsor for my wedding.

- Well, like, for your fyi, cassandra is on it.

Like, she's been working around the clock.

- So, like, cassandra's handling this now?

- I still have, like, my finger in it--

Like, deep in it. Like, I'm in it.

- Okay, so maybe I should just, like, have her

Be my maid of honor.

- If you want to.

- Great, so then, like, maybe she could also handle

The publicity for the wedding.

- [gasps]

How dare you! - How dare you.

- You are being such a bridezilla right now.

- Oh, my god! I would love to be a bridezilla!

The fact that you'd even, like, bring up anything

To, like, make me--

Coming up next, on publizity...

- Oh, my god! Where's that flower girl going?

- Wait. What?

Omg, you've got to be kidding me.

- Jenny, sometimes do you feel

Like you're on the set of a tampon commercial?

- Why?

Because my body is the set of a tampon commercial?

- No, 'cause it's-- - 'cause a tampon goes in?

- No, this, like, blue background.

Like, this sort of, like, straight to camera.

- Oh, for sure.

And also the fact that I am kind of wearing,

Like, a no-nonsense sports bra

Is like, "look, I don't have time to [bleep] around.

"when I get my period,

"I'm not going to sit on some diaper.

"I need to get on my surfboard and not take any flack from,

"you know, my period.

That's why I use... Bullets."

- Bullets? The name-- - from guns.

- Bullets is the name of your tampon?

That's why I use white dogs as tampons.

[tense music]

- Oh, hello, neighbor.

- All right, what do I owe you?

- Oh, you don't have to pay me.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, I tell you something. There's no tip.

- Smells good in there.

What are you guys having tonight?

Both: Mac and cheese.

- You know what gets me going?

Stroganoff, beef stroganoff.

- There's a diner down the street.

I suggest you get there in the next ten minutes.

- You gonna meet me over there? - No.

- Can I tell you something? - What?

- Between family...

You don't pay family.

- ♪ happy birthday

♪ happy birthday

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- I wasn't sure if liz was gonna come through with a sponsor,

So I sold some space on my dress.

Did you know I cut a deal with san diego diet

Before the wedding? - Oh, my god.

You're, like, a genius.

- Well, I might have started at binghamton,

But I finished at syracuse. [slurps]

- ♪ you'll always be my best friend ♪

- It's like I've been juggling so many balls.

But, like, today is my day, okay?

- Okay. - Great.

- But, liz... - What?

- Promise me one. - Totally.

- That that is the last bit of work that you will do today.

- Okay, fine.

- Liz. - What?

- I got something for you. Cassandra!

Liz? - Yeah?

- Something old... - Okay.

- Something new. - Okay.

- Little gloves. Something borrowed...

- Uh-huh. - And something blue.

- Oh, my god, lookit, those are naughty.

- Hold on. - What?

- [whispers] they're all under armour.

[romantic music swells]

- You did get a sponsor?

[fairy-like tinkling]

I love you. Liz. - [squeaking] I love you a lot.

- Everything looks amazing. - Thank you.

- I didn't think I could even...

- Like, you look amazing!

- And it's, like, I couldn't even imagine-- [sobs]

- I couldn't even imagine if someone was, like--

[music stops suddenly] - ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to the live streaming publizity wedding.

Liz and nnamdi have actually written their own vows,

Which is fun.

So, liz, if you want to go first.

- Thank you.

Dear nnamdi,

You were the one for me from the very start.

I knew that from the depths of my very depth-ful heart.

[slurp] whether it was when I met you

After stalking you after a game,

Things with-- are never lame with you.

[sighs] - mm.

- That was beautiful. - Thank you.

- Nnamdi, go ahead. - Liz...

I'm so excited to be getting married to you today.

- Thank you.

- You seem like a really, really cool chick.

And I just want everyone here to know...

That you just got nnamdi'd! [applause, laughter]

- What?

- There's a camera here, camera there, camera here.

You just got nnamdi'd. - What?

- Are you saying "what" or "why"?

- What? - It doesn't matter, look.

That "what" is, this is my prank show.

And the "why" is, because you're a beast.

- I don't know what just happened.

- Good job. You're paying for it.

- Wait.

- [laughs]

- ♪ the best is yet to come ♪

- Liz, did you know about this? Or, like, what?

- No, but now I know about it because the prank just happened.

- [sobbing] but, like, this is not exactly

How I pictured my [stifled] wedding to be.

Do I just, like, walk right now?

- Yeah, go back there. - Just go, like--

You should probably, like, head out.

- Do I just, like, walk like this, or do I--

- Liz, I'm so sorry.

- About what?

- That, like, your wedding was ruined,

And you were pranked in front of, like, national television.

Like, it's good karma that you let him be successful

At something, even if that was, like,

To completely prank you and, like, fool you

And, like, call you a beast,

And, like, say that it was hilarious,

Like, make you wear that hat. - Yeah.

- When push comes down to it,

Like, I'll always be here for you

Because you're my best friend.

- I'm just so happy that,

If I had to get pranked on national television

By a professional football player for his show,

That you were by my side the whole time.

- Yeah. - I'm not crazy, right?

- No, you just got pranked.

- [slurps]

- [slurps]

- Do I have anything in my teeth?

- ♪ you'll always be

Female announcer: Coming up,

It's the publizity wedding episode red carpet recap.

- I came as a joke. I'm on shrooms.

- My heart's beating so fast.

I can't believe I ran into you.

- I want to thank bob rosenstein,

The head of the network.

I got to say, like, liz and liz, I love them as producers.

They've been very kind to me,

Giving me the opportunity to go do the show I want to do.

- Roman, what did you think of that outrageous prank in there?

- Nah, that wasn't a real prank.

Did you ever see too much tuna?

- Oh, sure. - That's a prank, man.

- Again, just very excited

About the publizity wedding finale

And about the upcoming season

Of armond around the world.

- ♪ best friend

- [laughs flatly] good at bizness.

- Uh, why don't we, uh-- you might be hungry though.

Here it comes. [laughter]

- Mmm. Look at this.

Look at this mountain of tuna. - Yeah.

- Look at that, you little [bleep].

What do you-- [laughter]