All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S01E07_English

[alarm beeping]

[rhythmic percussion
in time with actions]

- [chewing, burps]

[rhythmic gulping]

[licking, burps]

[yawns]

[coffee bubbling,
ice clinking, liquid sloshing]

[lock jangling, knocks]

[whipping, snapping,
crunching]

[lock jangling]

Come on.

[flatulence]

[horn honking]
let's go!

[dog barks]

[tar sloshing]

♪

Unh!

[flatulence, grunting]

Oh!
[bowels gurgling]

Ah. Hey.

[gurgling continues]

[electronic music]

♪

- What happens when a women
takes a romantic risk

On a surface where she can't
find her footing?

It's not ice skating.

It's ice dating.

- ♪ you ain't got a man,
what you doing right now? ♪

- Let's meet our skaters.

Say hello to liz,

A publicity and event planner
from san diego, california.

- I'm liz.

My catchphrase I think
at this point is "thank you."

My pet peeve is being
called ridiculous.

Up until this point,

I've dated
a lot of older guys.

- There's a tone
in your voice...

- [high-pitched]
there is?

- That sounds like
what you've been doing

With older men maybe has not
been working.

- What do you mean?

- How do you feel about
dating a younger man?

A much younger man?

- Like, I love to have fun,

But I don't want to date
someone who's, like, wild.

You know what I mean.

But...I'll do it.

- Let's meet
her skating partner.

C-czar is a toilet baby
from alhambra.

- My name is c-czar.
I'm 17 years old.

My catchphrase is
"let them eat cake!"

And my pet peeve
is saying I'm sorry.

- What kind of woman
are you looking for?

C-czar?
I need you to--

- Ha ha ha!

Basically, like,
I'm looking for someone

Who accepts me
for who I am,

Who's, um--

- C-czar?
- What's up, man?

- You were in the middle
of a sentence.

- Okay, so, like,
whatever the question was

Is like slit my neck.

- Don't--that's very sharp.

- You're not my dad.
- All right.

Let's put these two
in the rink

And see if they get
into the groove.

- [grunting]
aah!

- Hey hey!
- Oh, my god.

I'm sorry, I'm, like,
waiting here, like, for a date.

- Like prince charming?
- What?

- Well, ribbit!
Blap! Blap! Blap! Blap!

It's prince charming!
I'm c-czar.

- Oh.
Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, all right.

[laughter]
- I like how you look.

- You're, like,
scary on the outside,

But, like, very sweet
on the in.

- Yeah, like a croissant.

- Do you eat a lot
out of vending machines?

- I love candy for dinner.
What about you?

Skate with me.
Skate backwards.

- You're, like,
pushing my buttons.

- You like it?

- So, like, you've very good
on the ice.

- I'm good on the ice,
but I'm also good in bed.

Give me your helmet!
Give me your helmet!

[laughing]
- no, I won't!

- Spin around!
- Don't! Don't do it.

Like, that's the wrong button
to push!

No, that wasn't fun.
- What? I'm just being flirty.

Aah!

No, you can't stop me.
You can't stop me.

Liz!
- What?

- I grew up outside
of new york city,

But when I think
about new york,

I still think of, like,
woody allen's new york city,

Which is actually like

Four square blocks
in the upper west side, but...

[imitating woody allen]
reminded of an old joke

That I used to tell
as a toddler.

My father, who was a caddy
at a pool,

And he would say, uh,

"you know, I could never
get a tip

Because everybody
was always drowning."

[laughing]

Does that sound
like a woody allen joke?

[bombastic jazz music]

♪

[knock at door]

- And that's why alan alda
is a sex symbol.

- Yeah.
- Hello.

Both: Ooohhh, hello.

- Hi.
- Young beautiful geisha.

Are you here for the party?
You're a little early,

But the early bird
gets the wormy-worm.

- And that's--that's code
for shvanz.

- I'm here
because the super said

There's some complaints
about some possible hoarding.

- Whoring?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, no. "hoarding,"
with a "d".

- Are you the cleaning lady?
- I'm a clutter specialist.

- I say entree, entree,
my dear.

- All right, then.
- Come into our dojo.

So do you have a ride?
Does anyone know you're here?

- Smells like, um,
tuna in here.

- Oh, thank you.

- Well, you guys are planning
on having a party

Here tonight.

- Right, we're having a real
sort of a swingers thing.

- You know, we should
get rid of some things

To make space for your...

- Absolutely.
That's what I've been saying.

- Big, big party--wow.
- What do you mean?

Why would we get rid
of anything?

- Well, let's start
with these newspapers.

- Excuse me, then how am I
supposed to keep a record

Of every time that alan alda is
mentioned inside of a newspaper?

- We call it "alda news
that's fit to print."

It's a thing
we like to stack.

- Oh, you know what?

You have just a great, lovely
snow globe collection.

- Thank you.

- I mean, it's covered by
this duck sauce--

- Yeah, well, then what are
we supposed to brush

Our teeth with if we
don't use the duck sauce?

- No--
- no, you don't--oh!

- Ho ho! And there's
duck sauce everywhere.

- Nobody needs
this much duck sauce.

- You're tearing us apart,
yoko.

- She's not yoko.

She's a connie chung
to our two maurys.

You've gotta relax, please.
- I'm having a panic attack.

I'm having great anxiety.

- You know what's happening?

The state of this apartment,
it's like that a&e show.

Inside the actor's studio.

You know,
'cause you're an artist.

- Yeah, 'cause I'm creative!

- I can't have you interfere
with another lay of mine, man.

I need this one.
Come here, my best friend.

Come here.
Everything's gonna be fine.

Take your 9/11 snow globe.
Lay down.

Here's what I want
you to do.

I want you to take
a couple xanax.

Okay, here's--
ten's a couple.

I'm gonna work with her.

I won't let her touch
anything.

Everything will be fine

By the time you wake up.

Let's get rid
of everything, right?

- Great.
Let's go to the kitchen.

- Okay. Do you do
gross polaroids?

- Night, rico.
See you tomorrow, buddy.

- You're the best.
Bye, stasi, bye, cheska.

Ugh. Where's the car?

Just press it.
It'll boop-boop it.

- I parked it right here,
remember?

I was like, "look at that
cash money spot we got."

- I want to be home
in bed grinding my teeth.

- Oh. Wendells,
our car got towed.

What are we supposed to do?
Go downtown and retrieve it?

- Wouldn't it be easier
just to buy a new one?

- ♪ money, big money,
big dough ♪

[tires squealing]

[crash, car horn blaring]

- [groans]

Why do you have to drive
with your knees?

- I was taking a bong hit,
you idiot.

- Ugh. You're buying
the next car.

- Don't be such a jew,
aspen.

- I'm only half-jewish,
wendy!

- Whatever!
- Oh, my god, are you guys okay?

- We're fine.
This happens, like...

- You know what?

If you're going back inside,

Can you just get me some
fresh, clean boxers?

I think I made a boom-boom
in my pants.

- I am calling
the police.

- No, no!
- No, no, no, no!

Let me see that.
- No policia.

- No, no, no, no.
No police.

- No policia.
Alcoholico, alcoholico!

- Give her money,
give her money.

- 20, 40...
- Thank you.

- 60...[retches]
- ah!

- Oh, no, old faithful.

Ugh! Oh, man.
- Okay.

- I actually feel, like,
a lot better.

- Well, you guys
are disgusting people.

I always thought that everyone
had a little bit of good

In them, but...
I don't see it with you.

[touching music]

- Oh, my god.
Undigested vicodins.

- Oh!
- Are you joking me?

- I guess I did have, like,
a little bit of good in me.

- [laughing] aspen, man!
Okay.

- We're very sorry.
- Seriously.

- We would like you
to have our car.

It's, like,
a 2000 whatever year we're in.

And, like, totally enjoy it.
You're awesome.

- It's great.
You're the best.

- I didn't
like that car anyway.

It had, like,
too many buttons on it.

- Definitely.
[underwear snaps loudly]

[telephone ringing,
man snoring]

- [snorts, grunts]

Hello?
- Hey, it's liz, your publicist.

I've been trying
to call you for an hour.

Now you have the radio
interview, like, now.

- Oh, all right.

- So just, like,
talk about the album.

Just do it, okay?
Just do it.

Be chill.
- Yeah.

- Now we have the privilege

Of speaking to a very
important musician,

Who has a new "best of" album.

On the air,
you're on the air!

Como estas?

- Uh, tip-top.
Yeah, I feel, uh...

- Oh, you sound over it.

What is going on
in your life?

- Uh, well...

To be honest...

I'm gonna kill myself
today.

[suspenseful music]

[sobbing]

♪

- I don't care!
Do you care?

- No.
- Do you care?

- [shakes tambourine]
- do you care?

All right!
[maracas shaking]

[laughter and cheering]

- Yeah.
- [bleep] you.

[chicken caws]

[hip-hop music]

- Like--
- aah!

- You're in the penalty box,
c-czar.

Do you know why?

- 'cause this show
is stupid.

[gentle music]

I'm c-czar.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, all right.

[laughter]
that's so considerate.

- Oh, I like to hang out
with my friends.

I like to skateboard.

I'm trying to break
the world record

For cereal eating right now.

- Just say you're sorry to liz.
Let's hear it.

- But I'm scared.

What if she don't take
my apology?

- You gotta take a chance.

- I can't set myself up
like that!

- C-czar,
take a chance on love.

- Thank you, dave.
You're an inspiration to me.

- Whoa. There you go.

I got you a hot chocolate.

I don't know if you
wanted any or not.

- Thank you.
[sniffs]

It's good.
I'm done. Thank you.

- Yo, so, like, I talked
in the penalty box to dave,

And he said that I should
say to you...

That I'm sorry.

And that's, like,
really hard for me to say,

Because it's, like,
my main pet peeve.

- Listen, like,
I know how pet peeves are,

'cause, like,
I have a major one,

Which is to be called
ridiculous.

- Liz, I just want to say
to you, like straight up,

I think you're, like,
ridiculously...

- No! I told you I--
- amazing.

- Oh, my god.
I jumped the gun.

- Can I ask you a question?

- You can literally
ask me anything

As long as it's in english.

- Would it be all right
if I kissed you?

- You would get in
the penalty box if you didn't.

[romantic piano music]

- Liz?
[sour note]

- Jason richards,
my client!

- My point is it's not just
people that get cancer.

Dogs get it too.

- I'll come around.
- Yeah, great, sounds great.

- You need to get out of here.

[dramatic music]

- Liz!

[dramatic music]

- In prison, a man needs
friends to survive.

But making friends
can be fraught with peril.

- You guys got lunch plans?
You guys--

What table you guys
sit at?

- Jeff was a referee
in the nba.

- Exactly, that's a carry.
We're going that way.

What are we doing?

We doing hands in pants?
Is that what we're doing?

Love the kid 'n play movies.
I love those kid 'n play movies.

Those guys? Shoo.
They ever been in here?

You guys like a duo?

You looking for
three musketeers or anything?

Two-to-one says I sit
with you guys

And it's tater tots
for lunch.

Hey, crosby, stills,
you looking for a nash?

Right.

- With nowhere to sit...
- You guys hanging? No?

- Jeff needs
to assert himself...

- [drops tray on table]

- Or risk becoming a target.

- [blows whistle]

Fine!

I'll be your enemy!

But the thing I'll you
is I will be downstairs

In the tv room
this afternoon,

And you can do whatever you want
at that point.

You could think
about your girlfriend at home.

You want it to be sweet?
Southern belle?

[soft voice]
well, I never!

[normal voice]
I'll do that all day.

But you gotta come down
to the tv room,

'cause I'm not
coming to you.

Unless you want me
to come to you, I will.

Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm gonna
be a top or a bottom.

I guess I'll, you know,
when--when the guys show up.

- No one accepts
jeff's invitation.

- Seems like some of the guys
in the yard

Are giving me
the cold shoulder, but--

[louder] seems like some of
of the guys in the yard

Are giving me
the cold shoulder.

- You'll get through it.
I did.

- [chuckles]

Oh, it's good to have
a friend.

- More of a cellmate.
- Yeah.

Cellmates don't talk
like this.

- I'm out in a month.

I can't wait to see
my beautiful girls.

- You're a fam--unh.
[defecating]

You're a family man, huh?

[toilet flushes]

For the rest of my life,
it's like I've been in solitary,

And all of a sudden,
you know,

I got a group of guys
that I can connect with.

We're locked in here together.
There's no escaping.

Maurice, I had a dream
that you wouldn't believe.

I guess I'll have to tell you
the whole thing

Start to finish.

[somber music]

♪

Maurice?

Guards!

Somebody broke into my cell

And hung my best friend
last night.

- Jeff has lost
his only friend.

- Don't worry, maurice.

- Making another
will be the key to his survival.

- Who am I gonna
sit with at lunch?

Is he gone?
- Shut up.

- Anybody here in the room

Ever been on the verge
of suicide?

[baby voice]
si.

- Aww.
- Baby!

You have wanted
to kill yourself?

What did you use, baby?

[baby voice]
those little plastic car keys.

[normal voice]
uh-huh?

[baby voice] and I tried
to slit my wrists.

[normal voice]
and what happened?

[baby voice] I couldn't
grip the keys

'cause of my stupid
baby fingers.

[normal voice]
oh!

[deep voice] I kind of want
to kill myself

All the time, too.

- There's so many characters!

There's so many loveable
characters on this show.

[chuckles]

[jazz music]

- So we submit it
to the new yorker,

And they took away
our subscription.

Would you believe that?

- You know, I did my thesis
on the history

Of the turtleneck sweater,

And the first one
was made out of wood.

- Rise and whine.
- Oh, god.

- I just had a nightmare

That hot lips
from m.A.S.H. Attacked me.

Where's all my stuff?
Where's my newspapers?

- Oh, don't worry.
They're burnt.

And the party's started.
- Who's here?

- Only some
of the hottest singles

From my kashi
addiction group.

Glen, patronia, welcome.

- Good friends.
- Kashi.

And some of the most
disgraced professors

On the upper west side.

These women are wetter
than an aqua sock.

- Georgie!
[george and gil groan]

Georgie!
- Oh, crap, sylvia.

She's wanted to sleep with me
since the wall came down.

- The berlin wall?

- No, that tupac mural
on 90th.

- Georgie,
oh, there you are!

We're about to do impressions

Of our favorite npr
personalities.

Are you in?

- Oh, afraid not,
afraid not, syl.

Can't right now.
- Of course.

Gil must be dragging you down
to see joel play music.

- Who's what now?
- Your son.

- Oh, my beautiful son joel!
The light of my life.

It's a very conflicting
subject, fathers and sons,

And it makes me want to go
have a clamhattan.

Excuse me.

- You know what?
This party is a snooze-a-thon.

We gotta go downtown,
mix it up.

- I don't know.

I guess it'd be good
to reconnect with my boy joel.

- Yeah, also we could dingle
some of the city college coeds.

- Yeah!

- To downtown.
- To downtown.

- Ugh! I can still really
taste the clam.

- Still, we're downtown.
Nyc!

- Ooh.

- Why do we care
about him, baby?

[baby voice] because
every human being

Deserves to be loved.

- I just want to do
what I've been blessed to do,

Which is give the world
more frat rock.

- But, you know, we don't
care about your career,

But we care about you.
[comical sound effects]

- A little bit ago, I was
gonna overdose on drugs

And autoerotic asphyxiation,
but now I'm not gonna do that.

- Huh. Yeah, okay.

[jazz music]

[industrial music playing]

- Hey, is there
music playing?

'cause I know
that I'm shouting.

- Oh, finally, all right!
Look at these young coeds.

- All right, downtown.
Bingo bongos.

Excuse me.
All right.

- Who's nosferatu up there?
- Oh, that's my sweet joel.

My sweet joel!
[cheers and applause]

Yay! Cut the music,
cut the music!

- Dad?

- Sweetheart, I told you
not to call me "dad" anymore.

Remember?
I'm gil.

You remember my best friend
george st. Geegland.

- It's me, uncle george.
George st. Geegland.

- Yeah, sure, I--

- Who's the little sparkplug
in the hat there?

The girl
with the child's body?

- That's my friend.

- You know how to get
into her apartment?

- I'm so proud of you, joel.

Look at you
doing your thing.

You're still trying.

- You know what lou reed
once said?

- "get out of my bedroom.

You guys are masturbating
in here, and this is my home."

- What?

- I know that I haven't
really been

Anywhere near you
for about 10, 15 years,

But I just want to say to you

That we need a little bit
of cash for the ride home.

- For cabbie-cab?
We don't do bus.

- Get out of here.

- Thanks, son.

And, boy, oh, boy,
it's great to see you.

- Gil?

- What's that, joey?

- What'd you think
of my music?

[gentle music]

♪

- You know I've never been
the best judge of songs.

[hip-hop music]

- I'll come around.
- Yeah, great.

- I'll come around.
- Sounds great.

You need to get out of here.

[ominous music]

- How can you do this
to me right now?

- So, like,
I'm a business woman,

Even though I love
to have fun.

- I said I was sorry to you!

- Stop looking at me.
Stop talking.

Hi! How are you?
- Good. Hi.

- Oh, my god.
You look amazing.

- Hi. Who's this?
- What's that?

Oh, he's, like,
actually someone

That I just, like,
called over here,

Like, to take my trash.

So, like,
please take this trash,

And then, like, take it.

'cause, like,
I just need people to, like,

Take my trash sometimes,
because I'm a professional.

Sit down.
- Yeah.

I was looking at this for
my daughter's birthday party.

My daughter, dylan,
she's turning 11.

I want to have her
birthday party here.

And now I'm thinking--
I wonder if you

And your partner
are available.

- What's that?

- What was your partner's name?

- Liz.
- Your partner's name.

- Liz.
- What's your name?

- Liz.
- Right, okay.

- [screams]

I don't even know you anymore,
liz!

- Her name is liz.
- My name is liz.

- I will straight up
drop a bullet in your unit!

Blap! Blap! Blap! Blap!

- I've never met an impressive
person at a skating rink.

- You want me to throw out
the trash?

Well, you're the trash!

[dramatic music]

- Oh, my god.

- Looks like they're gonna
be looking

For a new ice-skating
trash boy.

- How dare you!

I will cover your event,
and I will do it with gusto,

But let me just tell you
one thing.

I need to follow my heart.

Mark it down.
Happy birthday to your son.

- Daughter. Dylan.
- Thank you.

- Do you know him?

- ♪ sometimes

- C-czar.

- ♪ we don't know what we do

- I'm sorry,
like, honestly.

- I'm sorry for being wild.

- ♪ but hurting you

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- ♪ is the last thing
I would do ♪

♪ oh-ho-oh threeway--

- Ow! My lip!

- Oh, my god.
It's really bleeding.

- Ow! You screwed up my lip!

We can never be happy!

- [swallows]
ugh!

- I still love you.

I want to make this work.
- I love you too.

- Well, things got a little
rough out here on the ice,

But c-czar--
- ow! It hit me!

It hit me this time!
- Ow!

We can never be happy!
- Honestly.

- C-czar and liz managed
to get in their love zamboni

And smooth it all out.

They've made another
love connection

Here on ice dating.

- Ha-ha.

- You know,
I love basketball.

The new york knicks,
my favorite team.

And, you know, the knicks
are a lot like my sex life.

Uh, they win every,
you know, 30 years,

And there's always
black men around.

[chuckles]