Original subtitles

[alarm beeping]

[rhythmic percussion in time with actions]

- [chewing, burps]

[rhythmic gulping]

[licking, burps]

[yawns]

[coffee bubbling, ice clinking, liquid sloshing]

[lock jangling, knocks]

[whipping, snapping, crunching]

[lock jangling]

Come on.

[flatulence]

[horn honking] let's go!

[dog barks]

[tar sloshing]

♪

Unh!

[flatulence, grunting]

Oh! [bowels gurgling]

Ah. Hey.

[gurgling continues]

[electronic music]

♪

- What happens when a women takes a romantic risk

On a surface where she can't find her footing?

It's not ice skating.

It's ice dating.

- ♪ you ain't got a man, what you doing right now? ♪

- Let's meet our skaters.

Say hello to liz,

A publicity and event planner from san diego, california.

- I'm liz.

My catchphrase I think at this point is "thank you."

My pet peeve is being called ridiculous.

Up until this point,

I've dated a lot of older guys.

- There's a tone in your voice...

- [high-pitched] there is?

- That sounds like what you've been doing

With older men maybe has not been working.

- What do you mean?

- How do you feel about dating a younger man?

A much younger man?

- Like, I love to have fun,

But I don't want to date someone who's, like, wild.

You know what I mean.

But...I'll do it.

- Let's meet her skating partner.

C-czar is a toilet baby from alhambra.

- My name is c-czar. I'm 17 years old.

My catchphrase is "let them eat cake!"

And my pet peeve is saying I'm sorry.

- What kind of woman are you looking for?

C-czar? I need you to--

- Ha ha ha!

Basically, like, I'm looking for someone

Who accepts me for who I am,

Who's, um--

- C-czar? - What's up, man?

- You were in the middle of a sentence.

- Okay, so, like, whatever the question was

Is like slit my neck.

- Don't--that's very sharp.

- You're not my dad. - All right.

Let's put these two in the rink

And see if they get into the groove.

- [grunting] aah!

- Hey hey! - Oh, my god.

I'm sorry, I'm, like, waiting here, like, for a date.

- Like prince charming? - What?

- Well, ribbit! Blap! Blap! Blap! Blap!

It's prince charming! I'm c-czar.

- Oh. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - Oh, all right.

[laughter] - I like how you look.

- You're, like, scary on the outside,

But, like, very sweet on the in.

- Yeah, like a croissant.

- Do you eat a lot out of vending machines?

- I love candy for dinner. What about you?

Skate with me. Skate backwards.

- You're, like, pushing my buttons.

- You like it?

- So, like, you've very good on the ice.

- I'm good on the ice, but I'm also good in bed.

Give me your helmet! Give me your helmet!

[laughing] - no, I won't!

- Spin around! - Don't! Don't do it.

Like, that's the wrong button to push!

No, that wasn't fun. - What? I'm just being flirty.

Aah!

No, you can't stop me. You can't stop me.

Liz! - What?

- I grew up outside of new york city,

But when I think about new york,

I still think of, like, woody allen's new york city,

Which is actually like

Four square blocks in the upper west side, but...

[imitating woody allen] reminded of an old joke

That I used to tell as a toddler.

My father, who was a caddy at a pool,

And he would say, uh,

"you know, I could never get a tip

Because everybody was always drowning."

[laughing]

Does that sound like a woody allen joke?

[bombastic jazz music]

♪

[knock at door]

- And that's why alan alda is a sex symbol.

- Yeah. - Hello.

Both: Ooohhh, hello.

- Hi. - Young beautiful geisha.

Are you here for the party? You're a little early,

But the early bird gets the wormy-worm.

- And that's--that's code for shvanz.

- I'm here because the super said

There's some complaints about some possible hoarding.

- Whoring? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, no. "hoarding," with a "d".

- Are you the cleaning lady? - I'm a clutter specialist.

- I say entree, entree, my dear.

- All right, then. - Come into our dojo.

So do you have a ride? Does anyone know you're here?

- Smells like, um, tuna in here.

- Oh, thank you.

- Well, you guys are planning on having a party

Here tonight.

- Right, we're having a real sort of a swingers thing.

- You know, we should get rid of some things

To make space for your...

- Absolutely. That's what I've been saying.

- Big, big party--wow. - What do you mean?

Why would we get rid of anything?

- Well, let's start with these newspapers.

- Excuse me, then how am I supposed to keep a record

Of every time that alan alda is mentioned inside of a newspaper?

- We call it "alda news that's fit to print."

It's a thing we like to stack.

- Oh, you know what?

You have just a great, lovely snow globe collection.

- Thank you.

- I mean, it's covered by this duck sauce--

- Yeah, well, then what are we supposed to brush

Our teeth with if we don't use the duck sauce?

- No-- - no, you don't--oh!

- Ho ho! And there's duck sauce everywhere.

- Nobody needs this much duck sauce.

- You're tearing us apart, yoko.

- She's not yoko.

She's a connie chung to our two maurys.

You've gotta relax, please. - I'm having a panic attack.

I'm having great anxiety.

- You know what's happening?

The state of this apartment, it's like that a&e show.

Inside the actor's studio.

You know, 'cause you're an artist.

- Yeah, 'cause I'm creative!

- I can't have you interfere with another lay of mine, man.

I need this one. Come here, my best friend.

Come here. Everything's gonna be fine.

Take your 9/11 snow globe. Lay down.

Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to take a couple xanax.

Okay, here's-- ten's a couple.

I'm gonna work with her.

I won't let her touch anything.

Everything will be fine

By the time you wake up.

Let's get rid of everything, right?

- Great. Let's go to the kitchen.

- Okay. Do you do gross polaroids?

- Night, rico. See you tomorrow, buddy.

- You're the best. Bye, stasi, bye, cheska.

Ugh. Where's the car?

Just press it. It'll boop-boop it.

- I parked it right here, remember?

I was like, "look at that cash money spot we got."

- I want to be home in bed grinding my teeth.

- Oh. Wendells, our car got towed.

What are we supposed to do? Go downtown and retrieve it?

- Wouldn't it be easier just to buy a new one?

- ♪ money, big money, big dough ♪

[tires squealing]

[crash, car horn blaring]

- [groans]

Why do you have to drive with your knees?

- I was taking a bong hit, you idiot.

- Ugh. You're buying the next car.

- Don't be such a jew, aspen.

- I'm only half-jewish, wendy!

- Whatever! - Oh, my god, are you guys okay?

- We're fine. This happens, like...

- You know what?

If you're going back inside,

Can you just get me some fresh, clean boxers?

I think I made a boom-boom in my pants.

- I am calling the police.

- No, no! - No, no, no, no!

Let me see that. - No policia.

- No, no, no, no. No police.

- No policia. Alcoholico, alcoholico!

- Give her money, give her money.

- 20, 40... - Thank you.

- 60...[retches] - ah!

- Oh, no, old faithful.

Ugh! Oh, man. - Okay.

- I actually feel, like, a lot better.

- Well, you guys are disgusting people.

I always thought that everyone had a little bit of good

In them, but... I don't see it with you.

[touching music]

- Oh, my god. Undigested vicodins.

- Oh! - Are you joking me?

- I guess I did have, like, a little bit of good in me.

- [laughing] aspen, man! Okay.

- We're very sorry. - Seriously.

- We would like you to have our car.

It's, like, a 2000 whatever year we're in.

And, like, totally enjoy it. You're awesome.

- It's great. You're the best.

- I didn't like that car anyway.

It had, like, too many buttons on it.

- Definitely. [underwear snaps loudly]

[telephone ringing, man snoring]

- [snorts, grunts]

Hello? - Hey, it's liz, your publicist.

I've been trying to call you for an hour.

Now you have the radio interview, like, now.

- Oh, all right.

- So just, like, talk about the album.

Just do it, okay? Just do it.

Be chill. - Yeah.

- Now we have the privilege

Of speaking to a very important musician,

Who has a new "best of" album.

On the air, you're on the air!

Como estas?

- Uh, tip-top. Yeah, I feel, uh...

- Oh, you sound over it.

What is going on in your life?

- Uh, well...

To be honest...

I'm gonna kill myself today.

[suspenseful music]

[sobbing]

♪

- I don't care! Do you care?

- No. - Do you care?

- [shakes tambourine] - do you care?

All right! [maracas shaking]

[laughter and cheering]

- Yeah. - [bleep] you.

[chicken caws]

[hip-hop music]

- Like-- - aah!

- You're in the penalty box, c-czar.

Do you know why?

- 'cause this show is stupid.

[gentle music]

I'm c-czar. - Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - Oh, all right.

[laughter] that's so considerate.

- Oh, I like to hang out with my friends.

I like to skateboard.

I'm trying to break the world record

For cereal eating right now.

- Just say you're sorry to liz. Let's hear it.

- But I'm scared.

What if she don't take my apology?

- You gotta take a chance.

- I can't set myself up like that!

- C-czar, take a chance on love.

- Thank you, dave. You're an inspiration to me.

- Whoa. There you go.

I got you a hot chocolate.

I don't know if you wanted any or not.

- Thank you. [sniffs]

It's good. I'm done. Thank you.

- Yo, so, like, I talked in the penalty box to dave,

And he said that I should say to you...

That I'm sorry.

And that's, like, really hard for me to say,

Because it's, like, my main pet peeve.

- Listen, like, I know how pet peeves are,

'cause, like, I have a major one,

Which is to be called ridiculous.

- Liz, I just want to say to you, like straight up,

I think you're, like, ridiculously...

- No! I told you I-- - amazing.

- Oh, my god. I jumped the gun.

- Can I ask you a question?

- You can literally ask me anything

As long as it's in english.

- Would it be all right if I kissed you?

- You would get in the penalty box if you didn't.

[romantic piano music]

- Liz? [sour note]

- Jason richards, my client!

- My point is it's not just people that get cancer.

Dogs get it too.

- I'll come around. - Yeah, great, sounds great.

- You need to get out of here.

[dramatic music]

- Liz!

[dramatic music]

- In prison, a man needs friends to survive.

But making friends can be fraught with peril.

- You guys got lunch plans? You guys--

What table you guys sit at?

- Jeff was a referee in the nba.

- Exactly, that's a carry. We're going that way.

What are we doing?

We doing hands in pants? Is that what we're doing?

Love the kid 'n play movies. I love those kid 'n play movies.

Those guys? Shoo. They ever been in here?

You guys like a duo?

You looking for three musketeers or anything?

Two-to-one says I sit with you guys

And it's tater tots for lunch.

Hey, crosby, stills, you looking for a nash?

Right.

- With nowhere to sit... - You guys hanging? No?

- Jeff needs to assert himself...

- [drops tray on table]

- Or risk becoming a target.

- [blows whistle]

Fine!

I'll be your enemy!

But the thing I'll you is I will be downstairs

In the tv room this afternoon,

And you can do whatever you want at that point.

You could think about your girlfriend at home.

You want it to be sweet? Southern belle?

[soft voice] well, I never!

[normal voice] I'll do that all day.

But you gotta come down to the tv room,

'cause I'm not coming to you.

Unless you want me to come to you, I will.

Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be a top or a bottom.

I guess I'll, you know, when--when the guys show up.

- No one accepts jeff's invitation.

- Seems like some of the guys in the yard

Are giving me the cold shoulder, but--

[louder] seems like some of of the guys in the yard

Are giving me the cold shoulder.

- You'll get through it. I did.

- [chuckles]

Oh, it's good to have a friend.

- More of a cellmate. - Yeah.

Cellmates don't talk like this.

- I'm out in a month.

I can't wait to see my beautiful girls.

- You're a fam--unh. [defecating]

You're a family man, huh?

[toilet flushes]

For the rest of my life, it's like I've been in solitary,

And all of a sudden, you know,

I got a group of guys that I can connect with.

We're locked in here together. There's no escaping.

Maurice, I had a dream that you wouldn't believe.

I guess I'll have to tell you the whole thing

Start to finish.

[somber music]

♪

Maurice?

Guards!

Somebody broke into my cell

And hung my best friend last night.

- Jeff has lost his only friend.

- Don't worry, maurice.

- Making another will be the key to his survival.

- Who am I gonna sit with at lunch?

Is he gone? - Shut up.

- Anybody here in the room

Ever been on the verge of suicide?

[baby voice] si.

- Aww. - Baby!

You have wanted to kill yourself?

What did you use, baby?

[baby voice] those little plastic car keys.

[normal voice] uh-huh?

[baby voice] and I tried to slit my wrists.

[normal voice] and what happened?

[baby voice] I couldn't grip the keys

'cause of my stupid baby fingers.

[normal voice] oh!

[deep voice] I kind of want to kill myself

All the time, too.

- There's so many characters!

There's so many loveable characters on this show.

[chuckles]

[jazz music]

- So we submit it to the new yorker,

And they took away our subscription.

Would you believe that?

- You know, I did my thesis on the history

Of the turtleneck sweater,

And the first one was made out of wood.

- Rise and whine. - Oh, god.

- I just had a nightmare

That hot lips from m.A.S.H. Attacked me.

Where's all my stuff? Where's my newspapers?

- Oh, don't worry. They're burnt.

And the party's started. - Who's here?

- Only some of the hottest singles

From my kashi addiction group.

Glen, patronia, welcome.

- Good friends. - Kashi.

And some of the most disgraced professors

On the upper west side.

These women are wetter than an aqua sock.

- Georgie! [george and gil groan]

Georgie! - Oh, crap, sylvia.

She's wanted to sleep with me since the wall came down.

- The berlin wall?

- No, that tupac mural on 90th.

- Georgie, oh, there you are!

We're about to do impressions

Of our favorite npr personalities.

Are you in?

- Oh, afraid not, afraid not, syl.

Can't right now. - Of course.

Gil must be dragging you down to see joel play music.

- Who's what now? - Your son.

- Oh, my beautiful son joel! The light of my life.

It's a very conflicting subject, fathers and sons,

And it makes me want to go have a clamhattan.

Excuse me.

- You know what? This party is a snooze-a-thon.

We gotta go downtown, mix it up.

- I don't know.

I guess it'd be good to reconnect with my boy joel.

- Yeah, also we could dingle some of the city college coeds.

- Yeah!

- To downtown. - To downtown.

- Ugh! I can still really taste the clam.

- Still, we're downtown. Nyc!

- Ooh.

- Why do we care about him, baby?

[baby voice] because every human being

Deserves to be loved.

- I just want to do what I've been blessed to do,

Which is give the world more frat rock.

- But, you know, we don't care about your career,

But we care about you. [comical sound effects]

- A little bit ago, I was gonna overdose on drugs

And autoerotic asphyxiation, but now I'm not gonna do that.

- Huh. Yeah, okay.

[jazz music]

[industrial music playing]

- Hey, is there music playing?

'cause I know that I'm shouting.

- Oh, finally, all right! Look at these young coeds.

- All right, downtown. Bingo bongos.

Excuse me. All right.

- Who's nosferatu up there? - Oh, that's my sweet joel.

My sweet joel! [cheers and applause]

Yay! Cut the music, cut the music!

- Dad?

- Sweetheart, I told you not to call me "dad" anymore.

Remember? I'm gil.

You remember my best friend george st. Geegland.

- It's me, uncle george. George st. Geegland.

- Yeah, sure, I--

- Who's the little sparkplug in the hat there?

The girl with the child's body?

- That's my friend.

- You know how to get into her apartment?

- I'm so proud of you, joel.

Look at you doing your thing.

You're still trying.

- You know what lou reed once said?

- "get out of my bedroom.

You guys are masturbating in here, and this is my home."

- What?

- I know that I haven't really been

Anywhere near you for about 10, 15 years,

But I just want to say to you

That we need a little bit of cash for the ride home.

- For cabbie-cab? We don't do bus.

- Get out of here.

- Thanks, son.

And, boy, oh, boy, it's great to see you.

- Gil?

- What's that, joey?

- What'd you think of my music?

[gentle music]

♪

- You know I've never been the best judge of songs.

[hip-hop music]

- I'll come around. - Yeah, great.

- I'll come around. - Sounds great.

You need to get out of here.

[ominous music]

- How can you do this to me right now?

- So, like, I'm a business woman,

Even though I love to have fun.

- I said I was sorry to you!

- Stop looking at me. Stop talking.

Hi! How are you? - Good. Hi.

- Oh, my god. You look amazing.

- Hi. Who's this? - What's that?

Oh, he's, like, actually someone

That I just, like, called over here,

Like, to take my trash.

So, like, please take this trash,

And then, like, take it.

'cause, like, I just need people to, like,

Take my trash sometimes, because I'm a professional.

Sit down. - Yeah.

I was looking at this for my daughter's birthday party.

My daughter, dylan, she's turning 11.

I want to have her birthday party here.

And now I'm thinking-- I wonder if you

And your partner are available.

- What's that?

- What was your partner's name?

- Liz. - Your partner's name.

- Liz. - What's your name?

- Liz. - Right, okay.

- [screams]

I don't even know you anymore, liz!

- Her name is liz. - My name is liz.

- I will straight up drop a bullet in your unit!

Blap! Blap! Blap! Blap!

- I've never met an impressive person at a skating rink.

- You want me to throw out the trash?

Well, you're the trash!

[dramatic music]

- Oh, my god.

- Looks like they're gonna be looking

For a new ice-skating trash boy.

- How dare you!

I will cover your event, and I will do it with gusto,

But let me just tell you one thing.

I need to follow my heart.

Mark it down. Happy birthday to your son.

- Daughter. Dylan. - Thank you.

- Do you know him?

- ♪ sometimes

- C-czar.

- ♪ we don't know what we do

- I'm sorry, like, honestly.

- I'm sorry for being wild.

- ♪ but hurting you

- I love you. - I love you too.

- ♪ is the last thing I would do ♪

♪ oh-ho-oh threeway--

- Ow! My lip!

- Oh, my god. It's really bleeding.

- Ow! You screwed up my lip!

We can never be happy!

- [swallows] ugh!

- I still love you.

I want to make this work. - I love you too.

- Well, things got a little rough out here on the ice,

But c-czar-- - ow! It hit me!

It hit me this time! - Ow!

We can never be happy! - Honestly.

- C-czar and liz managed to get in their love zamboni

And smooth it all out.

They've made another love connection

Here on ice dating.

- Ha-ha.

- You know, I love basketball.

The new york knicks, my favorite team.

And, you know, the knicks are a lot like my sex life.

Uh, they win every, you know, 30 years,

And there's always black men around.

[chuckles]