Original subtitles

- Congratulations, graduates.

Now go out and change the world.

[birds whistling, graduation music playing]

[electronic whine]

- Let's keep this game going.

[alarm rings]

- [yawns]

- All right.

Let's get stoned.

- [coughs]

- Awesome. Monster hit.

Time to start that screenplay.

Ha-ha. Old school.

[cell phone rings]

Bummer.

Serious munchies.

- [screams] - oh, dude, put some clothes on.

- Yeah, it's your house, not hers.

Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, toast is too much work.

- [screams] - ah, dude, put some clothes on.

- What's her problem?

Good call. You've had a full day.

- [snores]

[electronic music]

♪

- So I'm at one of those parties in, like, seventh grade,

One of those first, like, boy-girl parties,

And there are no parents there,

And you're like, "cool ranch doritos?

Cookie krisp?" I mean, we're having fun.

We're going after it.

I'm like 4'9".

I'm like a straight-up little boy,

I go to talk to my friend lizzie,

Who is this girl that I had a crush on.

Like, I was gonna be like, "hey, did you read that article

In highlights magazine?"

And lizzie is sitting there, looking at me,

Like, ugh, this guy's the worst.

And this girl jenny, whose house it was,

Comes up from behind

And pantses me because there was that year,

Like, seventh grade, where pantsing was an epidemic.

So jenny pulls down my little gap kids khakis,

But here is the real problem, was that I was also wearing

Silk boxer shorts.

I don't know if I thought I was like a tiny hugh hefner.

[jazz music]

The smoothness of the silk

Against the smoothness of my little boy penis,

Everything comes down, and I'm just now buck naked.

My lifetime childhood crush lizzie is staring straight

At me and my tiny, little cashew.

The girl who pantsed me, she's traumatized,

Lizzie is traumatized,

I am now a comedian.

It [bleep] us all up.

I love good food.

And I'll go anywhere to find it.

Today, our destination is the sportsmen's lodge,

Located in studio city, california.

This is where the celebrities come to play.

But the real star is the food.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Thanks for coming in. - Oh, thanks for having me.

- Yeah. - Bro, what do I get

At the sportsmen's lodge?

- People love the tortilla soup.

- The tortilla soup. - Yeah.

- Serve me up a big, old bowl, bro.

- Be happy too. - Great.

- I actually have one right here for you.

- So you're not gonna make it?

- No, it's just soup. - I love this dude.

A sprig of parsley, lemon,

And the piece de la resistance,

Tortilla strips.

Now do you make your tortilla strips?

- We do. - In house?

- In-house. - Awesome.

- Yeah.

- Mm.

This is really good tortilla soup.

- Thank you. - So how much does this run for?

- 15 bucks. - 15 bucks.

Let's get the [bleep] out of here.

- A man eats tortilla soup at a hotel restaurant.

Normally, a diner would pay

For his food, but this punk launches a glass of liquid,

Hurls some seasoning packets,

And physically assaults an unsuspecting patron.

Another daring example of dine & dash.

- Hi, I'm roman.

My father dr. Armond

Is the most successful animal plastic surgeon

In los angeles.

- What we're gonna do

Is take in the stomach.

- His friends liz and liz helped him

Get his own reality show, and that reality show

Destroyed his marriage. - I want a divorce.

- ♪ say what

- My dad moved out, and now it's just me and my mom.

So I'm the man of the house,

And now I'm having the time of my life.

- ♪ say what

- Uh-oh, c-czar, roman.

Taking, taking over this joint.

- C-czar. - Mm.

- Yeah, c-czar's, like, my best friend.

He's, like, cooler than all the cool kids

At school.

You know, he smokes weed, he drinks 40s,

He got a lip ring, and he steals stuff.

- Let's get lifted. Let's get lifted.

- Yeah, but let's do it outside, though.

We can't smoke in here, though.

Remember? - [bleep] already lit, b.

It's gonna smell up either way.

Your mom comes home, you be like,

"bitch, I'm the man of the house now.

Cook me a steak, medium-rare."

- Yeah, yeah, you right. Yeah, you right.

You ain't never lie. - Roman!

Roman, are you smoking in this house?

- We're just--we ain't messing anything up.

- And there's no skateboarding in this house.

You know that. - Nothing's gonna happen.

- No chicken nuggets for you tonight.

- Why don't you-- - [gasps]

- Oh, snap.

- Oh.

- Now who's gonna clean that up?

- Um... Yeah, um...

I mean...

- Bitch, I'm the man of the house now.

Cook me a steak, medium-rare.

- Mom, why don't you clean it up?

- Excuse me? - Cook me a steak, bitch.

- Oh, no, roman, you didn't just disrespect your mom like that.

- Why, you little-- get over here.

- No, mom. - Right now.

- No! Ow! - Spanking time.

That's right. Spanking time.

- Ah!

Yeah, I'm scared of you, mom.

I could probably get you killed if I wanted to.

[sobs]

- You look good. - Who the hell are you?

- I'm c-czar.

I don't have a mom.

Straight up, I been, have been with older women before,

And you look good to me. - That's--that's very rude.

That's...

- You have a very beautiful home.

- Uh. Both: Oh, yeah.

- Oh, you like that? - Oh, yeah.

[moaning] - aw, yuck!

- Sign my report card. Sign my report card.

- Yo, you salty, dawg.

- Sorry, c-czar.

Yo, you my son, son.

- Whatever, dad.

- Coming up on roman's empire...

- I'd love to figure out some way to cheer up roman.

- I think that's a great idea.

- Yeah, maybe dave & buster's.

- Oh, I love dave & buster's.

- Mm-hmm. - Then...

- I know if I love dave & buster's,

Roman would love dave & buster's.

- Right. That would be a great idea, shannon.

- In colorado springs, the latest technology

Is used to shape the current generation

Of boxers, but, south of the border,

Champion trainer papi steenbergen

Uses more old-fashioned methods to prepare oscar ballasteros

For his u.S. Debut.

- Okay. Queso, dice queso.

Can you say, "chee"?

- Queso. - Aye.

Como raton!

- I always say you should treat a boxer

Like a son,

And your son like a piece of [bleep].

[speaking spanish]

All my son cares about is, uh...

Folding piece of paper like a little japanese girl.

[speaking spanish]

Boxer must fight for something important.

El money, los prizes-- that's not enough.

[speaking spanish]

- A week before the match,

Papi withdraws his affection from the young fighter.

And uses his own son as bait.

- A fighter must be hungry for affection.

[speaking spanish]

[cheers and applause] [bell dings]

- Ever since I caught c-czar having sex with my mom,

I moved into a hotel with my dad.

- So, roman, we're very pleased

That you're sharing dinner with us tonight.

- Yeah, I'm glad to have-- to finally meet you.

- Mm-hmm. - Can I eat?

- Roman was obviously having a tough time,

And shannon knew exactly what to do.

- I'll take care of this.

- I trust you implicitly with him.

- Oh, thank you. He's like my own son too.

Hi, roman. - What?

- So what are your favorite subjects at school?

- I like, uh, recess.

[both nervously chuckle]

- Oh, that was my favorite, too, in school.

And creative writing. - Mm-hmm.

- And advanced biology. - Mm-hmm.

Roman does like to read. - Do you?

- I don't like to read.

- What about those magazines

That you have in the house with the black girls

With the big butts?

- It's a dance book.

- I love dancing. - Mm-hmm.

- I bet you do.

- Shannon? She's hot.

Kinda like my mom, but kinda not.

- ♪ happy birthday - yea!

Both: ♪ go, roman, it's your birthday ♪

♪ go, roman, it's your birthday ♪

- It's not my birthday.

Both: ♪ go, roman, it's your birthday ♪

- No, it's not! - Whoo-hoo!

- This was all shannon's idea.

- Thank you, sweetie. - Thank you.

What did you wish for?

- I wished for tomorrow to be your best day ever.

You wake up, you look in the mirror,

And you're really happy with your looks.

You're not balding anymore.

And then you drop dead of a heart attack.

And then if you don't die of the heart attack,

You find out that you have a fatal disease

And you only have three days to live.

- Well, guess what. I'm granting you a second wish.

- Fine.

I wish for you to know that mom is having sex

With my best friend c-czar, and you know what?

I'm not even joking about that. It actually happened.

- Ooh, I gotta take a field trip.

Will you sign my permission slip for me?

Let them eat cake! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

- Wow.

I'm feeling a bit nauseous right now.

So I'm gonna go to the w.C.

- Honey, are you okay?

- Maybe my wish came true.

Maybe you do have a fatal disease.

- You are just awful!

[c-czar and shannon moaning]

- Sign my report card. Sign my report card!

Yo, you're my son, son!

- Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

- Get over here, girl.

- [screams] oh, roman, come on!

Oh! Oh, yeah!

- Of course it was upsetting to find out

That my new wife had a roving eye.

But at least roman was getting some much-needed exercise.

- ♪ say what

[upbeat jazz music]

♪

- So, gig, should we stretch first?

- No, let's just, you know, stay tight and get injured.

- Check it out. Lew alcindor.

Okay. All right.

- What's going on? - That just--

Something just tweaked-- a little something--real bad.

- I like to rotate until the pain spreads

And it's more of a numb-- numb everywhere kind of thing.

- There it is!

You know, it's nice to see how sort of

Loopy and weird your arms are.

- I've got real noodle arms these days.

- [chuckling] - that's right!

I was like "yo, boo!

What's up with that ass, know what I'm saying?"

Let's get it up, get it up!

- You guys are really black. Freakin' commodores.

- Ahh! That's my ball!

It's a little flat, but-- - get that ball outta here, yo.

Let's choose it up. We got two and four.

We got six. - I'll serve.

If you guys just wanna hang out.

- What you talking about, yo? - I don't know.

- Let's choose teams up, baby. Let's choose teams up.

- I got my man right here. - Mike-mike be ballin'!

Mike-mike! Let me see who I want.

Jj! Whoopty-whoo!

Boo! You know how to do it, jj.

- We come as a pair.

- I'll get this bob barker,

Ron paul lookin' dude right here.

- Damn. You be right on the button with these fools, man.

But, sister, gimme judi dench up in here.

You know who judi dench is, right?

[hysterical laughter]

- All right, dame judi dench ready to shoot some hoops.

- Ball up, ball up!

- I'll scratch you up. - All right.

- Oh! - Okay, all right.

- Get over here, y'all. Come on, man.

- First off...

O.J. Did it, all right?

- You know, my analyst says

That if I don't get out and play more,

That, uh, I'm never gonna get back in the game, probably.

- I'm gonna be honest with you, man.

- Uh-huh. - You terrible.

- Now my boy, gil-- that guy is no good.

I could really lay him out quickly.

With him out of the way, I think we're just gonna be...

360 spins and slam dunk pointers.

- Dude.

- Take your hands off me. I'm not one of your students.

- Oh, I put a lot more than my hands inside my students.

- Oh! Get off of me!

[chewing sounds] [bone pops]

Ow! - Oh! Snap!

- You popped my shoulder.

- And ron paul just broke phil spector's shoulder, yo.

- My friend has a popped shoulder.

Please give me a burnt bagel for me.

Kids: Ice cream!

[light music]

- Hey, guys, who's first?

- I want two toasted almonds, two astro puffs,

And a spongebob gum pop.

- All right. [plastic rustling]

Two--all right, there you go.

That'll be $12.50.

[dramatic music]

- Let's get the [honk] out of here.

- You got the stuff? - Here you go.

- All right.

Let's get the [honk] out of here.

- Hey!

- A child refuses to pony up

For multiple frozen treats.

- $12.50. - Instead...

He races to his cohort who snatches the contraband

And physically assaults the hapless young man,

Violating their verbal agreement

And pocketing the spoils for himself.

[slo-mo whining]

He also stole a truck.

[siren blares, police radio chatter]

[pastoral music]

[music stops]

- Hah hah hah!

What up? It's your boy, c-czar.

I'm the bad influence best friend

From roman's empire.

Gettin' blazed!

Roman got shipped off to military school

And mrs. Armond, she avoiding

Pending statutory rape charges.

Oh, I'm want to finish on your back, mom.

That leaves me alone in that big-ass, dumb-ass house.

And I'm straight-up having the time of my life.

Welcome to c-czar's palace.

Let them eat cake.

'cause that's what caesar said.

[hip-hop music]

Shake it, shake it.

Oh, snap. Y'all are lazy.

Exercise your body. Exercise your miiiind.

This house is driving me insane!

Let them eat cake! That's my catchphrase.

She look like a straight-up villain now.

But I'm the only villain here. Click-click-click-click!

All these are my catchphrases.

'cause last time I checked, it was called c-czar's palace,

Not some dumb bitch's palace.

It's so hard runnin' this palace!

It's like when this show started,

Like I was like no rules, no parents,

No condoms.

But now it's like I meet you,

And then we had that threesome with that other bitch

In the hot tub.

I'm having the time of my life.

It's real tough for me to get close to women,

'cause like my mom smokes meth and I'm a toilet baby.

But like being with you, it's like...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

But it's also like...

[softer] blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Can I kiss you?

Aah! [bleep]!

You [bleep] up my lip! Get outta here, bitch!

Everything is upside down!

What has this house done to me?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That [bleep] is infected.

[mellow music]

♪

- ♪ oh oh oh

- Mmm! - Yeah.

♪

[man moaning, woman giggling]

- Ah...Ah!

- Let's get the [bleep] outta here.

- A man samples his girlfriend's cherry pie

Before deciding to take his piece to go.

[slo-mo]

[dramatic music]

[jazz music]

- St. Giglin, I'm gonna take 1/4 page ad out

In the village voice and let everyone know

That you're a lech and not a best friend.

- And I'll take 1/2 page ad out

That says, "free nude massage."

- Hello.

Both, slowly: Oh...Hello.

- Hi. I'm dr. Nussbaum,

And you are mr. Faison? - Uh, no.

Mr. Faison is my ex-wife's husband's name.

You can call me gil. - Or don't call him at all.

Call me. George st. Giglin.

- Get bent, st. Giglin. - Get stuffed, faison.

- Okay, um, so you are

Wearing a tote bag as a sling,

So something's wrong with your shoulder?

- Yeah. Also I might have some other medical issues

That I'm in here to talk about--

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He, uh...He pees ten times a night.

And has to keep getting up, and it's why I'm so tired.

I mean, why he's so tired.

I'm using him for medical advice.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- Well, if you have an orthodontist in here,

I've been using a couple chiclets as teeth in the back.

- Also, I have caffeinis.

Caffeine-penis.

When I drink too many cappucinis,

My penis becomes useless.

- I can't really address that right now.

I have a 16-year-old pregnant girl in the other room

That I really need to get to.

- And I have bagel-induced cholesterol.

- Right. So you're having some pain in your shoulder?

- Yeah. - Okay, can I, um...

- Okay.

- Yeah, it's-- - [whimpers]

- I barely touched it. - Oh, boy!

- Okay, so it's very tender. - Eeeh-aaah.

- Okay. I'm getting a very strong ammonia smell over here.

- Oh, that's 'cause I let my cat piss on me for health.

- He has a little tabby named judd hirsch.

- So how did you hurt your shoulder? It seems...

- Oh! - You may have dislocated it.

- This guy decked me 'cause the blacks liked me more.

- Yeah, we were playing basketball

With these awful black guys, and he displeased me,

So I took him out. - Yeah.

- You know, I am actually legally bound

To report any instances of domestic violence

Between partners. - What?

- You think we're "herm-sexual" partners?

- You think we're hermisexuals?

- What would give you that--

I mean, look, I guess we are best friends.

- Sure. Who isn't?

- And if we do live together...

- It's easier when you share a hot pot.

- And I guess we do sleep in a murphy bed together.

You know, but we're not sexual.

Though I guess a lot of couples are actually not sexual.

So I guess in a way, I mean,

We are sort of a gay domestic partnership,

And I am abusive. Both: Huh!

- Never thought about it that way.

- Never thought about it that way either.

- I'm either going to great this shoulder...

- Uh-huh. - Or I need you guys to go.

- Jerk him off.

- Ha ha. Good at bizness.

- [speaking spanish] okay?

- Okay. [whistles]

[speaking spanish, whistles]

[tap tap]

[speaking spanish]

- It's okay, mama. It's okay.

[laughter]