Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:04,969
- Congratulations,
graduates.
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,935
Now go out and change
the world.
3
00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:09,743
[birds whistling,
graduation music playing]
4
00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:11,976
[electronic whine]
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,482
- Let's keep this game going.
6
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:18,453
[alarm rings]
7
00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:22,615
- [yawns]
8
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:27,685
- All right.
9
00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:29,287
Let's get stoned.
10
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:35,170
- [coughs]
11
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:37,501
- Awesome.
Monster hit.
12
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:42,877
Time to start
that screenplay.
13
00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:44,839
Ha-ha.
Old school.
14
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,408
[cell phone rings]
15
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:52,248
Bummer.
16
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:55,685
Serious munchies.
17
00:00:55,722 --> 00:01:00,962
- [screams]
- oh, dude, put some clothes on.
18
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,134
- Yeah, it's your house,
not hers.
19
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:07,733
Ha-ha-ha.
20
00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:11,967
Yeah, toast is too much work.
21
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:15,065
- [screams]
- ah, dude, put some clothes on.
22
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:16,678
- What's her problem?
23
00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:24,715
Good call.
You've had a full day.
24
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:29,491
- [snores]
25
00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:32,892
[electronic music]
26
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:40,896
♪
27
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,767
- So I'm at one of those parties
in, like, seventh grade,
28
00:01:46,806 --> 00:01:48,966
One of those first, like,
boy-girl parties,
29
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,208
And there are no parents there,
30
00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,713
And you're like,
"cool ranch doritos?
31
00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:54,314
Cookie krisp?"
I mean, we're having fun.
32
00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:55,477
We're going after it.
33
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,315
I'm like 4'9".
34
00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,350
I'm like a straight-up
little boy,
35
00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:01,085
I go to talk
to my friend lizzie,
36
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,751
Who is this girl
that I had a crush on.
37
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,619
Like, I was gonna be like,
"hey, did you read that article
38
00:02:04,657 --> 00:02:06,227
In highlights magazine?"
39
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,859
And lizzie is
sitting there, looking at me,
40
00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:09,134
Like, ugh,
this guy's the worst.
41
00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:11,832
And this girl jenny,
whose house it was,
42
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,165
Comes up
from behind
43
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:16,469
And pantses me
because there was that year,
44
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:20,013
Like, seventh grade,
where pantsing was an epidemic.
45
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:22,909
So jenny pulls down
my little gap kids khakis,
46
00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:24,982
But here is the real problem,
was that I was also wearing
47
00:02:25,011 --> 00:02:26,581
Silk boxer shorts.
48
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:28,513
I don't know if I thought
I was like a tiny hugh hefner.
49
00:02:28,548 --> 00:02:30,218
[jazz music]
50
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,550
The smoothness of the silk
51
00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:34,394
Against the smoothness
of my little boy penis,
52
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:37,090
Everything comes down,
and I'm just now buck naked.
53
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:40,633
My lifetime childhood crush
lizzie is staring straight
54
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,500
At me
and my tiny, little cashew.
55
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:46,270
The girl who pantsed me,
she's traumatized,
56
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,899
Lizzie is traumatized,
57
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:51,435
I am now a comedian.
58
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,211
It [bleep] us all up.
59
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,636
I love good food.
60
00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,547
And I'll go anywhere
to find it.
61
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,449
Today, our destination
is the sportsmen's lodge,
62
00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,952
Located in studio city,
california.
63
00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:07,124
This is where the celebrities
come to play.
64
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:09,563
But the real star
is the food.
65
00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:10,919
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
66
00:03:10,957 --> 00:03:12,817
- Thanks for coming in.
- Oh, thanks for having me.
67
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,159
- Yeah.
- Bro, what do I get
68
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,534
At the sportsmen's lodge?
69
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,102
- People love
the tortilla soup.
70
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,500
- The tortilla soup.
- Yeah.
71
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,071
- Serve me up
a big, old bowl, bro.
72
00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:21,729
- Be happy too.
- Great.
73
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:24,138
- I actually have one
right here for you.
74
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:25,400
- So you're not gonna make it?
75
00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:27,438
- No, it's just soup.
- I love this dude.
76
00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:28,843
A sprig of parsley,
lemon,
77
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,905
And the piece de la resistance,
78
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,045
Tortilla strips.
79
00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:34,409
Now do you make
your tortilla strips?
80
00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:35,507
- We do.
- In house?
81
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,018
- In-house.
- Awesome.
82
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,220
- Yeah.
83
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,523
- Mm.
84
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,424
This is really good
tortilla soup.
85
00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:45,486
- Thank you.
- So how much does this run for?
86
00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,885
- 15 bucks.
- 15 bucks.
87
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:50,727
Let's get the [bleep]
out of here.
88
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:56,802
- A man eats tortilla soup
at a hotel restaurant.
89
00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,696
Normally, a diner
would pay
90
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:02,238
For his food, but this punk
launches a glass of liquid,
91
00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,305
Hurls some seasoning packets,
92
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:08,114
And physically assaults
an unsuspecting patron.
93
00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:13,047
Another daring example
of dine & dash.
94
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,350
- Hi, I'm roman.
95
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,388
My father dr. Armond
96
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:18,563
Is the most successful
animal plastic surgeon
97
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,731
In los angeles.
98
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:20,829
- What we're gonna do
99
00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:22,330
Is take in the stomach.
100
00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:23,632
- His friends liz and liz
helped him
101
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:24,833
Get his own reality show,
and that reality show
102
00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:27,674
Destroyed his marriage.
- I want a divorce.
103
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,130
- ♪ say what
104
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,668
- My dad moved out, and now
it's just me and my mom.
105
00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:33,214
So I'm the man of the house,
106
00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:35,239
And now I'm having
the time of my life.
107
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,252
- ♪ say what
108
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,351
- Uh-oh,
c-czar, roman.
109
00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:45,853
Taking,
taking over this joint.
110
00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:47,345
- C-czar.
- Mm.
111
00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:49,857
- Yeah, c-czar's,
like, my best friend.
112
00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,959
He's, like, cooler
than all the cool kids
113
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,461
At school.
114
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,293
You know, he smokes weed,
he drinks 40s,
115
00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,198
He got a lip ring,
and he steals stuff.
116
00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,030
- Let's get lifted.
Let's get lifted.
117
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,026
- Yeah, but let's do it outside,
though.
118
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,538
We can't smoke
in here, though.
119
00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:05,899
Remember?
- [bleep] already lit, b.
120
00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:07,868
It's gonna smell up
either way.
121
00:05:07,907 --> 00:05:09,307
Your mom comes home,
you be like,
122
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:11,582
"bitch, I'm the man
of the house now.
123
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,851
Cook me a steak,
medium-rare."
124
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,950
- Yeah, yeah, you right.
Yeah, you right.
125
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,782
You ain't never lie.
- Roman!
126
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:21,687
Roman, are you smoking
in this house?
127
00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:23,891
- We're just--we ain't messing
anything up.
128
00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:25,963
- And there's no skateboarding
in this house.
129
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,332
You know that.
- Nothing's gonna happen.
130
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,930
- No chicken nuggets
for you tonight.
131
00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:31,401
- Why don't you--
- [gasps]
132
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,901
- Oh, snap.
133
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,102
- Oh.
134
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,133
- Now who's gonna clean
that up?
135
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,738
- Um...
Yeah, um...
136
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:41,641
I mean...
137
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:43,444
- Bitch, I'm the man
of the house now.
138
00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:45,736
Cook me a steak,
medium-rare.
139
00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:48,308
- Mom, why don't you
clean it up?
140
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,078
- Excuse me?
- Cook me a steak, bitch.
141
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:55,317
- Oh, no, roman, you didn't just
disrespect your mom like that.
142
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,455
- Why, you little--
get over here.
143
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:58,790
- No, mom.
- Right now.
144
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:00,825
- No! Ow!
- Spanking time.
145
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,930
That's right.
Spanking time.
146
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,002
- Ah!
147
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,430
Yeah, I'm scared of you, mom.
148
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:07,665
I could probably get you killed
if I wanted to.
149
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,700
[sobs]
150
00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:14,168
- You look good.
- Who the hell are you?
151
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,137
- I'm c-czar.
152
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:18,275
I don't have a mom.
153
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,811
Straight up, I been, have been
with older women before,
154
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:23,347
And you look good to me.
- That's--that's very rude.
155
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,453
That's...
156
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,124
- You have
a very beautiful home.
157
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,218
- Uh.
Both: Oh, yeah.
158
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:32,686
- Oh, you like that?
- Oh, yeah.
159
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,825
[moaning]
- aw, yuck!
160
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:37,061
- Sign my report card.
Sign my report card.
161
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,826
- Yo, you salty, dawg.
162
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,395
- Sorry, c-czar.
163
00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,633
Yo, you my son, son.
164
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:43,868
- Whatever, dad.
165
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:46,938
- Coming up
on roman's empire...
166
00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:49,473
- I'd love to figure out
some way to cheer up roman.
167
00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:51,539
- I think that's a great idea.
168
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:52,907
- Yeah, maybe dave & buster's.
169
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:55,175
- Oh, I love
dave & buster's.
170
00:06:55,214 --> 00:06:56,484
- Mm-hmm.
- Then...
171
00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:57,816
- I know if I love
dave & buster's,
172
00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:59,550
Roman would love
dave & buster's.
173
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:00,845
- Right. That would be
a great idea, shannon.
174
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,455
- In colorado springs,
the latest technology
175
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:09,463
Is used to shape
the current generation
176
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,025
Of boxers,
but, south of the border,
177
00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:12,833
Champion trainer
papi steenbergen
178
00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:17,065
Uses more old-fashioned methods
to prepare oscar ballasteros
179
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,703
For his u.S. Debut.
180
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:25,241
- Okay.
Queso, dice queso.
181
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,078
Can you say, "chee"?
182
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,784
- Queso.
- Aye.
183
00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,888
Como raton!
184
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,790
- I always say
you should treat a boxer
185
00:07:36,823 --> 00:07:39,063
Like a son,
186
00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:41,591
And your son
like a piece of [bleep].
187
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:44,257
[speaking spanish]
188
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:11,355
All my son
cares about is, uh...
189
00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:16,330
Folding piece of paper
like a little japanese girl.
190
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,432
[speaking spanish]
191
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:43,816
Boxer must fight
for something important.
192
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:47,486
El money, los prizes--
that's not enough.
193
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,727
[speaking spanish]
194
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,000
- A week before the match,
195
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,395
Papi withdraws his affection
from the young fighter.
196
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:05,182
And uses his own son
as bait.
197
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:21,033
- A fighter must be hungry
for affection.
198
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,130
[speaking spanish]
199
00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:36,106
[cheers and applause]
[bell dings]
200
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,428
- Ever since I caught c-czar
having sex with my mom,
201
00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:58,831
I moved into a hotel
with my dad.
202
00:09:58,864 --> 00:10:00,504
- So, roman, we're very pleased
203
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:01,873
That you're sharing dinner
with us tonight.
204
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:03,741
- Yeah, I'm glad to have--
to finally meet you.
205
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,799
- Mm-hmm.
- Can I eat?
206
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:07,308
- Roman was obviously having
a tough time,
207
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,470
And shannon knew exactly
what to do.
208
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:10,938
- I'll take care of this.
209
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,377
- I trust you implicitly
with him.
210
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,251
- Oh, thank you.
He's like my own son too.
211
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,581
Hi, roman.
- What?
212
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,218
- So what are your favorite
subjects at school?
213
00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:23,223
- I like, uh, recess.
214
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,385
[both nervously chuckle]
215
00:10:24,423 --> 00:10:26,893
- Oh, that was my favorite,
too, in school.
216
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,956
And creative writing.
- Mm-hmm.
217
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:33,055
- And advanced biology.
- Mm-hmm.
218
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:35,369
Roman does like to read.
- Do you?
219
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:36,601
- I don't like to read.
220
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,936
- What about those magazines
221
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,500
That you have in the house
with the black girls
222
00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:42,168
With the big butts?
223
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,638
- It's a dance book.
224
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:45,036
- I love dancing.
- Mm-hmm.
225
00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:46,337
- I bet you do.
226
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,509
- Shannon? She's hot.
227
00:10:47,546 --> 00:10:50,076
Kinda like my mom,
but kinda not.
228
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:52,216
- ♪ happy birthday
- yea!
229
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:54,551
Both: ♪ go, roman,
it's your birthday ♪
230
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:55,717
♪ go, roman,
it's your birthday ♪
231
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,255
- It's not my birthday.
232
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,819
Both: ♪ go, roman,
it's your birthday ♪
233
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:02,859
- No, it's not!
- Whoo-hoo!
234
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:05,525
- This was all shannon's
idea.
235
00:11:05,564 --> 00:11:09,704
- Thank you, sweetie.
- Thank you.
236
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,265
What did you wish for?
237
00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:15,644
- I wished for tomorrow
to be your best day ever.
238
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,275
You wake up,
you look in the mirror,
239
00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:20,109
And you're really happy
with your looks.
240
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,276
You're not balding anymore.
241
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,084
And then you drop dead
of a heart attack.
242
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:26,716
And then if you don't die
of the heart attack,
243
00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,492
You find out that you have
a fatal disease
244
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,061
And you only have
three days to live.
245
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:35,290
- Well, guess what.
I'm granting you a second wish.
246
00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:36,557
- Fine.
247
00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:38,325
I wish for you to know
that mom is having sex
248
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,634
With my best friend c-czar,
and you know what?
249
00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:43,066
I'm not even joking about that.
It actually happened.
250
00:11:43,102 --> 00:11:44,772
- Ooh, I gotta take
a field trip.
251
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,574
Will you sign
my permission slip for me?
252
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:51,575
Let them eat cake!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
253
00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:54,050
- Wow.
254
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,210
I'm feeling a bit
nauseous right now.
255
00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:59,018
So I'm gonna go to the w.C.
256
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,521
- Honey, are you okay?
257
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,023
- Maybe my wish came true.
258
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,324
Maybe you do have
a fatal disease.
259
00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,955
- You are just awful!
260
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:12,296
[c-czar and shannon
moaning]
261
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:16,671
- Sign my report card.
Sign my report card!
262
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:18,872
Yo, you're my son, son!
263
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,774
- Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
264
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:21,936
- Get over here, girl.
265
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:23,744
- [screams]
oh, roman, come on!
266
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:26,006
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
267
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:27,475
- Of course it was upsetting
to find out
268
00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:29,053
That my new wife
had a roving eye.
269
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:32,581
But at least roman was getting
some much-needed exercise.
270
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:33,688
- ♪ say what
271
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:40,133
[upbeat jazz music]
272
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:44,459
♪
273
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,967
- So, gig,
should we stretch first?
274
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:50,069
- No, let's just, you know,
stay tight and get injured.
275
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:53,172
- Check it out.
Lew alcindor.
276
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:54,935
Okay.
All right.
277
00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:56,414
- What's going on?
- That just--
278
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,112
Something just tweaked--
a little something--real bad.
279
00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,814
- I like to rotate
until the pain spreads
280
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,476
And it's more of a numb--
numb everywhere kind of thing.
281
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:04,916
- There it is!
282
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,520
You know, it's nice to see
how sort of
283
00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:07,922
Loopy and weird
your arms are.
284
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,923
- I've got real noodle arms
these days.
285
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:11,055
- [chuckling]
- that's right!
286
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:12,360
I was like "yo, boo!
287
00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:13,761
What's up with that ass,
know what I'm saying?"
288
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,163
Let's get it up, get it up!
289
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,634
- You guys are really black.
Freakin' commodores.
290
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:20,703
- Ahh!
That's my ball!
291
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,073
It's a little flat, but--
- get that ball outta here, yo.
292
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:24,402
Let's choose it up.
We got two and four.
293
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:25,566
We got six.
- I'll serve.
294
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:27,514
If you guys just
wanna hang out.
295
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,710
- What you talking about, yo?
- I don't know.
296
00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:32,182
- Let's choose teams up, baby.
Let's choose teams up.
297
00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:34,281
- I got my man right here.
- Mike-mike be ballin'!
298
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,483
Mike-mike!
Let me see who I want.
299
00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:38,345
Jj!
Whoopty-whoo!
300
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:39,784
Boo! You know
how to do it, jj.
301
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,749
- We come as a pair.
302
00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:43,817
- I'll get this bob barker,
303
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:46,016
Ron paul lookin' dude
right here.
304
00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:49,328
- Damn. You be right on the
button with these fools, man.
305
00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:51,661
But, sister, gimme
judi dench up in here.
306
00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:52,827
You know who judi dench is,
right?
307
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,225
[hysterical laughter]
308
00:13:54,266 --> 00:13:56,696
- All right, dame judi dench
ready to shoot some hoops.
309
00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,267
- Ball up, ball up!
310
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:04,406
- I'll scratch you up.
- All right.
311
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:06,013
- Oh!
- Okay, all right.
312
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,775
- Get over here, y'all.
Come on, man.
313
00:14:07,813 --> 00:14:10,353
- First off...
314
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:13,022
O.J. Did it, all right?
315
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:14,392
- You know, my analyst says
316
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:16,390
That if I don't get out
and play more,
317
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,092
That, uh, I'm never gonna get
back in the game, probably.
318
00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:20,094
- I'm gonna be honest
with you, man.
319
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,355
- Uh-huh.
- You terrible.
320
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:24,533
- Now my boy, gil--
that guy is no good.
321
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:27,003
I could really
lay him out quickly.
322
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,832
With him out of the way,
I think we're just gonna be...
323
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,638
360 spins and slam dunk
pointers.
324
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:34,111
- Dude.
325
00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:36,269
- Take your hands off me.
I'm not one of your students.
326
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:38,908
- Oh, I put a lot more than
my hands inside my students.
327
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:40,784
- Oh! Get off of me!
328
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,653
[chewing sounds]
[bone pops]
329
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:45,952
Ow!
- Oh! Snap!
330
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:47,715
- You popped my shoulder.
331
00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:51,223
- And ron paul just broke
phil spector's shoulder, yo.
332
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,787
- My friend has
a popped shoulder.
333
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,485
Please give me
a burnt bagel for me.
334
00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,159
Kids: Ice cream!
335
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:01,869
[light music]
336
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,071
- Hey, guys,
who's first?
337
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,842
- I want two toasted almonds,
two astro puffs,
338
00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:07,141
And a spongebob
gum pop.
339
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:09,712
- All right.
[plastic rustling]
340
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,982
Two--all right,
there you go.
341
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:14,311
That'll be $12.50.
342
00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:18,046
[dramatic music]
343
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,083
- Let's get the [honk]
out of here.
344
00:15:27,192 --> 00:15:29,332
- You got the stuff?
- Here you go.
345
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,063
- All right.
346
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,997
Let's get the [honk]
out of here.
347
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:35,133
- Hey!
348
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,397
- A child refuses to pony up
349
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,936
For multiple frozen treats.
350
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:42,142
- $12.50.
- Instead...
351
00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:45,144
He races to his cohort
who snatches the contraband
352
00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:48,907
And physically assaults
the hapless young man,
353
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,648
Violating
their verbal agreement
354
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,383
And pocketing the spoils
for himself.
355
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,149
[slo-mo whining]
356
00:15:55,187 --> 00:15:58,257
He also stole a truck.
357
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:03,328
[siren blares,
police radio chatter]
358
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:06,132
[pastoral music]
359
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:07,125
[music stops]
360
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,196
- Hah hah hah!
361
00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:10,503
What up?
It's your boy, c-czar.
362
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,196
I'm the bad influence
best friend
363
00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:13,807
From roman's empire.
364
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,169
Gettin' blazed!
365
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,937
Roman got shipped off
to military school
366
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,637
And mrs. Armond,
she avoiding
367
00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:21,978
Pending statutory
rape charges.
368
00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,054
Oh, I'm want to finish
on your back, mom.
369
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,353
That leaves me alone
in that big-ass, dumb-ass house.
370
00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:30,515
And I'm straight-up having
the time of my life.
371
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:34,656
Welcome
to c-czar's palace.
372
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:37,425
Let them eat cake.
373
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,763
'cause that's what
caesar said.
374
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:42,568
[hip-hop music]
375
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:44,441
Shake it, shake it.
376
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:46,740
Oh, snap.
Y'all are lazy.
377
00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:50,742
Exercise your body.
Exercise your miiiind.
378
00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:53,136
This house
is driving me insane!
379
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:55,678
Let them eat cake!
That's my catchphrase.
380
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:58,224
She look like
a straight-up villain now.
381
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,920
But I'm the only villain here.
Click-click-click-click!
382
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,693
All these
are my catchphrases.
383
00:17:02,721 --> 00:17:05,921
'cause last time I checked,
it was called c-czar's palace,
384
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,758
Not some dumb bitch's palace.
385
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:10,863
It's so hard runnin'
this palace!
386
00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,396
It's like
when this show started,
387
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:14,771
Like I was like
no rules, no parents,
388
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,200
No condoms.
389
00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:18,195
But now it's like
I meet you,
390
00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:20,067
And then we had that threesome
with that other bitch
391
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,835
In the hot tub.
392
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,884
I'm having the time
of my life.
393
00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,079
It's real tough for me
to get close to women,
394
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:29,051
'cause like my mom smokes meth
and I'm a toilet baby.
395
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:31,781
But like being with you,
it's like...
396
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:33,617
Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah,
397
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,252
But it's also like...
398
00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:38,457
[softer]
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
399
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,490
Can I kiss you?
400
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,090
Aah!
[bleep]!
401
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:45,858
You [bleep] up my lip!
Get outta here, bitch!
402
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,598
Everything is upside down!
403
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:50,133
What has this house
done to me?
404
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:52,539
Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
405
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:54,271
That [bleep] is infected.
406
00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:01,113
[mellow music]
407
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:08,046
♪
408
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,757
- ♪ oh oh oh
409
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:13,789
- Mmm!
- Yeah.
410
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,556
♪
411
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:18,804
[man moaning,
woman giggling]
412
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,601
- Ah...Ah!
413
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,932
- Let's get the [bleep]
outta here.
414
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:26,598
- A man samples his girlfriend's
cherry pie
415
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:30,068
Before deciding
to take his piece to go.
416
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,179
[slo-mo]
417
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:34,781
[dramatic music]
418
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:36,713
[jazz music]
419
00:18:36,748 --> 00:18:39,218
- St. Giglin, I'm gonna take
1/4 page ad out
420
00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:40,591
In the village voice
and let everyone know
421
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,289
That you're a lech
and not a best friend.
422
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:43,551
- And I'll take
1/2 page ad out
423
00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:45,519
That says,
"free nude massage."
424
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,187
- Hello.
425
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:51,226
Both, slowly:
Oh...Hello.
426
00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:53,503
- Hi. I'm dr. Nussbaum,
427
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:56,302
And you are mr. Faison?
- Uh, no.
428
00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:59,035
Mr. Faison is my ex-wife's
husband's name.
429
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,511
You can call me gil.
- Or don't call him at all.
430
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:04,680
Call me.
George st. Giglin.
431
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:07,710
- Get bent, st. Giglin.
- Get stuffed, faison.
432
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:10,246
- Okay, um, so you are
433
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:11,582
Wearing a tote bag as a sling,
434
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:13,047
So something's wrong
with your shoulder?
435
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,715
- Yeah. Also I might have
some other medical issues
436
00:19:15,754 --> 00:19:17,124
That I'm in here
to talk about--
437
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,186
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
438
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,964
He, uh...He pees
ten times a night.
439
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,934
And has to keep getting up,
and it's why I'm so tired.
440
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,433
I mean,
why he's so tired.
441
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:28,265
I'm using him
for medical advice.
442
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,570
- I'm sorry, who are you?
443
00:19:29,601 --> 00:19:31,271
- Well, if you have
an orthodontist in here,
444
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:34,173
I've been using a couple
chiclets as teeth in the back.
445
00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:36,666
- Also, I have caffeinis.
446
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,008
Caffeine-penis.
447
00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:40,043
When I drink too many
cappucinis,
448
00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:42,778
My penis becomes useless.
449
00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:44,124
- I can't really
address that right now.
450
00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:46,179
I have a 16-year-old
pregnant girl in the other room
451
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:47,588
That I really need
to get to.
452
00:19:47,619 --> 00:19:50,349
- And I have bagel-induced
cholesterol.
453
00:19:50,389 --> 00:19:52,759
- Right. So you're having
some pain in your shoulder?
454
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:54,061
- Yeah.
- Okay, can I, um...
455
00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:55,162
- Okay.
456
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,464
- Yeah, it's--
- [whimpers]
457
00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:57,725
- I barely touched it.
- Oh, boy!
458
00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,933
- Okay, so it's very tender.
- Eeeh-aaah.
459
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:02,925
- Okay. I'm getting a very
strong ammonia smell over here.
460
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:05,598
- Oh, that's 'cause I let
my cat piss on me for health.
461
00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:07,907
- He has a little tabby
named judd hirsch.
462
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,410
- So how did you hurt
your shoulder? It seems...
463
00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:11,441
- Oh!
- You may have dislocated it.
464
00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:14,406
- This guy decked me
'cause the blacks liked me more.
465
00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,746
- Yeah, we were playing
basketball
466
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,881
With these awful black guys,
and he displeased me,
467
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:20,216
So I took him out.
- Yeah.
468
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:22,492
- You know, I am actually
legally bound
469
00:20:22,521 --> 00:20:23,851
To report any instances
of domestic violence
470
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,859
Between partners.
- What?
471
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,231
- You think
we're "herm-sexual" partners?
472
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,029
- You think
we're hermisexuals?
473
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,161
- What would give you that--
474
00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:33,126
I mean, look, I guess
we are best friends.
475
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,495
- Sure. Who isn't?
476
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:35,833
- And if we do live together...
477
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:37,637
- It's easier
when you share a hot pot.
478
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,439
- And I guess we do sleep
in a murphy bed together.
479
00:20:39,471 --> 00:20:41,611
You know,
but we're not sexual.
480
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,840
Though I guess a lot of couples
are actually not sexual.
481
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:45,535
So I guess in a way, I mean,
482
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,607
We are sort of a gay
domestic partnership,
483
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:49,446
And I am abusive.
Both: Huh!
484
00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:50,921
- Never thought about it
that way.
485
00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:53,079
- Never thought about it
that way either.
486
00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,518
- I'm either going
to great this shoulder...
487
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,923
- Uh-huh.
- Or I need you guys to go.
488
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,690
- Jerk him off.
489
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,864
- Ha ha.
Good at bizness.
490
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,196
- [speaking spanish]
okay?
491
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:10,033
- Okay.
[whistles]
492
00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:13,468
[speaking spanish,
whistles]
493
00:21:13,505 --> 00:21:14,765
[tap tap]
494
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:16,666
[speaking spanish]
495
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:18,778
- It's okay, mama.
It's okay.
496
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:20,950
[laughter]
35793
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
