Original subtitles

- Everyone knows our target audience...

Is 18 to 34-year-old males.

But how do we hit that target?

- How? - How?

By relying on market testing?

No.

- [scoffs] no.

- By trusting our gut? No.

We need more.

Lars.

And so for the past six months,

We have been developing a prototype

That combines all of our target viewers

Into one composite viewer.

Ladies and gentlemen, the future of television.

[thudding]

A fully functional 18 to 34-year-old male.

- Pizza.

- Let's give them a little demonstration

Of how he works.

[tv turns on] [upbeat music]

- [robot beeps] [all applaud]

- He loves it.

[seductive music] [moaning]

[robot beeps]

He likes it.

That's a hit.

- Uh, george, if I may?

I've been working on a little show myself

And I gave it to lars and, well, I'm curious to see

What the demo monster thinks about it.

I think he's gonna love it. - Oh.

It'll be a true test.

- Fell pretty good about it, george.

- I'm liz. [cameras snapping]

I'm an amazing person with an amazing life.

- And I'm liz. I'm--

[gunfire]

[robot buzzes angrily]

- You know what, let me actually give him a different sketch.

[gun reloads] oh, god, no!

[gunfire] - [guttural moaning]

[wet noises]

- You think he's badly hurt, lars?

- [flatulence]

- [dings]

[dubstep music]

♪

- Here's a sentence you have never heard--

You know who's better on cocaine is scotty.

I love the paranoid stares he gives me.

I love the company scotty keeps when he's shneefed up.

With pot, I mean, some people are lazy and stupid.

But you're never like, "that guy made my life s--"

Well, that's no true. [laughs]

I guess pot has ruined some lives.

I don't like when people say "smoke up."

"hey, do you wanna go smoke up?"

I'm like, what are we in eighth grade?

Come on.

Let's get baked.

- [groans]

Oh, my god. - [yelps]

- Loud. Loud!

- Off.

- Shut up, gosling, you beautiful idiot.

- Nice shot, wendells.

- I'm the michael jordan of throwing vicodin everywhere.

- I'm so hung over--suela, consuela, suela!

- Oh, yayo. Yayo.

- Why is our life so [bleep] hard, wendy?

- Shut up!

- You know, I'm just gonna have a little coffee.

[snorts and moans]

- I just gotta check my email real quick.

- Oh, god. Oh, god. [farts]

- Oh, [bleep]. Oh--

[farts] - what? Wendells, what?

- [groans] oh, god.

- I'm going as fast as I can, wendells.

- Oh, my god, please hurry.

I've gotta push out a big gray coke snake.

- Oh, my god, I am just spraying

Chocolate shaving cream right now.

- Yeah. No durr.

- Where are the baby wipes? - I don't know!

- Fine, I'll just keep using these carpet samples,

But we need to go to one of those big bulk stores

And buy, like, a thousand rolls of tp

And we'll never have to go to a store again.

- Those big box stores are ruining america.

- We do it once, we do it right.

We'll just get shneefed to the dome

And then we'll go make fun of fat americans.

- Oh, nice. - Yeah.

- I'm gonna go in the hot tub.

[groaning and splattering]

- Wendy, that's not the bidet.

- What?

- That's not the huge bidet.

- It's fine. It's gonna work.

- Hey, fellow americans.

Stop your remote thumb and listen.

- Do you want nice possession,

But have no money for possession you want?

- Yes.

- Then get a fun loan.

- Fun loan?

- Super deluxe fun loan.

Follow me.

- Hey, cool guy.

What are you gonna buy with your loan?

- Steamed milk coffee drink?

- New york city. - Cool.

- College?

Super deluxe fun loan.

Hey, cool guy, you want speed boat?

Get super deluxe fun loan. - I like it.

- Dog as pet?

Get super deluxe fun loan.

- Tight jean. Big truck.

- Easy sex. - Get a super deluxe fun loan.

- That's cool.

- Wanna play some baseball?

- Get a super deluxe fun loan.

- [laughs]

- Hey, look who it is.

Bart simpson.

- Cool. Bart simpson.

Don't have a cow.

Super deluxe fun loan.

It's basically free money.

- When do I pay this back?

[ominous music] - stay cool.

- Don't get a job.

Both: Get a loan.

Both: Sheh sheh.

- I'm liz.

I'm an amazing person with an amazing life.

- And I'm liz.

I'm a college graduate and I expect the best.

I'm the driven one.

- And I'm trying to have a life.

Our pr firm is called publizity.

- It's based off our names.

So this morning, we have meeting with, like,

A very demanding new client.

The ceo of cultured yogurt water and liz better wake up.

Yogurt water? I love it. - Wow.

I think, like, a lot of women really want to drink something

That's, like, medium-thick. - Try it.

- I'm gonna try it, if you don't mind.

Like, I lie in meetings a lot, it's true.

I like the idea of just, like sucking down

One of these little things.

But, like, in this case, I really do hate water.

Like, I hate it.

It's, like, very exciting

To be trying a new beverage. [sniffs]

I love it. It's delicious.

- Well, th--thank you. - I like water,

But I want that sour taste that, like, only yogurt can bring.

So what can we do to help promote your product?

Um, let's see. [snorts]

Oh, I just had an amazing idea.

What if we did an event?

- Liz! Sorry.

You are a genius. - I love you.

- I love you, too. - You're my best friend.

- You're my best friend. - Here's what I'm thinking

We should do.

Cultured water is, like, very cultured,

And, like, what is the most cultured thing--

[snorts] oh, my god. England.

- Oh, England. - London, England.

- Oh, my god, I love london England.

- So it's, like, a theme party all about

London, England and cultured water.

And then we can have, like, adele perform!

We should have adele perform!

- I think adele might be a little expensive.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I could perform then.

I could do it.

I could actually just complete the performance.

I could do it. I could perform.

- Right? - But--

- You don't perform. - Mm.

- Liz is, like, crazy untalented,

And I don't know if she can deliver.

So I'm thinking what if we had anybody else perform?

- Mm, or I could do it.

- Or you know what we could do is we could just have, like,

A monkey with down syndrome smashing on cymbals.

I thought that was, like, a good possibility for something to do.

- You know what, liz, I'm gonna stop you right there

Because I would be so nervous for you

If that tiny monkey with the brain problem

Were to jump up and just scratch on someone's face.

- It's, like, the client's decision.

Whatever you think is best is fine.

So, like, either we do the monkey

Or something else or we have liz sing.

- Right, and, like, whatever you think is free.

- Well why don't we try it?

Why doesn't liz have a song-- - great. Amazing.

- Let's try it.

[singing nasally] - ♪ I would love to sing

♪ at your event

- Wow.

- Well that's proof positive right there that we should

Think of a bunch of options.

Coming up next on publizity...

What is she doing?

- [speaks spanish]

- [speaks spanish]

[arguing in spanish]

- [speaks spanish]

[dial tone and beeping]

- [speaks spanish]

- Este, I think my boyfriend,

He's cheating on me.

- [speaks spanish]

- [speaks spanish]

- [speaking energetically]

You are on the air on... [speaks spanish]

[trumpet blares]

[rooster crows]

[speaking gibberish]

- Well, I find text messages on my boyfriend's phone.

All: Ooh...

- [speaks spanish]

Cynthia, would you like to talk to an expert about this?

- Yes, I wanna talk to an expert.

- Okay, okay, here we are.

[high-pitched] hola?

Uh-oh, it's a baby.

[speaks spanish]

- I'm serious, what should I do?

- What should you do? - Yes.

- Maybe you should do doo doo. [laughs]

[elephant trumpets]

- [speaks spanish]

Is there any reason

I should stay with carlos?

- Is there any reason she should stay with carlos?

That's a great question.

Goat, what do you think, you stupid goat?

[slurred] uh, I don't know.

I just a goat.

I just want to eat garbage.

You are useless to me, you [bleep] goat.

- Here's what I think we should do.

I think we should call carlos por telefono.

- No, no. - We're going to prank call him.

- [speaks spanish]

- Okay! - Bueno.

- Why are you texting another woman

When you have a beautiful woman at home?

- [speaks spanish] [buzzer buzzes]

- Oh, he dances around.

Ah, we just disconnected him.

[laughter]

- Okay, cynthia, does that make you feel better?

- Si, chupa. I feel better, but, you know,

It's not gonna bring his amor back to me.

- Ooh, maybe we have a four-way with me, you,

Consuela and el bebe.

[weak voice] what about me?

Oh, old man juarez has been in the studio the whole time.

He doesn't speak much, but when he does, he speaks volumes.

- Uh, I don't know.

Maybe he's not for me.

- Oh, old man juarez, cynthia not interested in you.

[weak voice] my legs are not working anymore.

Wow, that's a downer.

[cries like a baby]

I want to go out with cynthia.

- Aw.

- Okay, cynthia, are you happy now?

- Si, gracias.

- Okay, you're going to go on a date with a baby!

Thank you, consuela.

Thank you, cynthia.

Call back any time you want at chupacabra

[speaks gibberish]

- I can't trust the banking system

In the United States of america.

It was ruined by the presidents.

What can I trust?

[laughs]

- [laughs]

- Digital money!

- Digital money.

- First, get digital mine to win compu-coin.

[ticking and whirring]

$1,000 equals $1 million in cybercash!

- Trade in all your dollars for cyber cash.

- Oh, yeah, I'm a millionaire!

- Oh! - [laughs]

Both: Digital money!

- Cybercash-redeemed best product.

- Hand fan. Tax free.

There's no way to end up in prison.

[giggles]

[dance music]

♪

- You're welcome, and I hope you liked it.

Well, how are you doing?

Would you like to try a mini quiche?

They're called petite quiche.

- My baby boy might. - Goo goo ga ga.

- Hope you like the petite quiche.

- Oh, just what I want.

Quiche from a grocery store.

No, thank you, I had diarrhea already today.

- Okay, well we have--

- Speaking of, can you tell us

Where the toilet paper is?

- Toilet paper is in aisle eight.

- We'll just be on our way then. [quiche plops]

- You guys are so interesting.

- Well, we're super rich, and this place is for poor people

So it's a very interesting dynamic.

- But I really think you would enjoy these quiches.

- [farts] ooh, doorknob.

- Oh, well.

Thank you.

- Look at america, it's crazy. I mean, this kid.

- [sighs] the world's coming to an end.

- I wanna tell him it's gonna get better

Because of the internet videos, but I don't think so.

- I think that's for gay kids,

Not for kids who are just going down in flames.

Hey!

- [groans]

- I'm the king of gallons!

[both cackle]

- Yes! - Blop blop blop!

- What can I do for you today?

- We just wanna dome some cats.

- What gun did the menendez brothers use

To rightfully kill their parents?

- They used a shotgun, but I'm thinking you boys

Might like something like a, uh, glock.

- Wow. - Glock.

- Check it out.

- Oh, and then do you have hollow points?

What are hollow points? - Hollow points?

Hollow points are a type of ammunition

And what they do is they go in small and they come out big.

- [explosion sound] they make your head explode.

- Exactly. - Aw.

- If you would...Shoot someone in the head.

- Nice. And so, like, is there a waiting period for, like,

White people? - Good question.

- For white people? No. No.

- So, as far as sex goes, does owning a gun,

Like, change that forever?

- I wanna, like, curve it. - No, it--

- You know, like mcavoy in wanted. Like--

[gunshot] - [screams]

My ear! - Wendells! Behave yourself.

- Oh, bebe, I'm so sorry. [alarm siren blares]

- Freeze! - Ooh...

- You're going to jail!

You're going to jail!

- Cool, so is this, like, a courtesy shuttle?

- Thanks, maureen.

Both: Oh...Hello.

- How are you? I'm george st. Geegland.

- Oh, charmed, I'm sure.

I'm gil faizon.

What am I supposed to say?

- And this is our prank show.

- And this is our prank show, too much tuna.

- Every week on too much tuna, we prank someone

By giving them too much tuna fish.

- Which is a delicious fish.

- Pranks are the hot new thing.

From candid camera to bloopers and practicing jokes.

- To ashram kitchen's pranth'd.

- This week our guest is our dear, dear friend,

Dr. Jeffrey gurian, d.D.S.

- Jeffrey gurian, you've led such a fascinating life.

Do tell us about it.

- Well, you know, I have led a fascinating life.

I was born in new york.

I, uh, I write. I write projects.

Gurian news network. - Oh.

- Gnn. - Gnn.

- Can I get shot of you two? - Yeah.

- Yeah? Okay. Cool.

[snaps picture]

One more. - One with my eyes closed.

- Yeah. [snaps picture]

- You know, jeffrey, you're on our prank show,

Too much tuna where we're gonna deliver

Too much tuna fish to you. - I mean, I--

- Well let's just see what happens.

Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you.

- Okay. You're probably thinking...

- You're probably... - You're probably thinking

That's too much tuna.

- No, I'm not thinking anything. No.

I think it's great.

- You ticked off?

- No, not at all. It's--

- Are you just heated at us

For giving you this much tuna?

- Not at all. - Too much.

- We've had a lot of guests on too much tuna.

- And this is just too much tuna.

- This is fabulous.

- Listen, that's too much tuna

And we just pranked you but good.

I mean, there's a camera right there.

- Look, oh y-- - you want me to leave here?

- You're on a prank show.

There's a camera behind you.

- I'm not looking, I'm not looking.

- There's a camera over there.

- I'm not even looking. - You've been pranked.

You're sitting here.

- How do you feel?

- The tuna's perfect.

- You're on a prank show called

Too much tuna, jeff, whether you like it or not.

- No, I'm not.

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- So the party's going, like, amazing.

Like, everything is, like, really english.

The ceo is, like, really happy with how I'm schmoozing her.

Thank you cassandra.

I just, like, don't know if liz

Could, like bring it.

- I'm backstage, totally calm

And ready to take on the performance.

- I think what we're doing is just, like,

Building anticipation.

You know that feeling of, like,

"oh, my god, is it gonna happen?

Is it gonna happen?" - all right. Is it gonna happen?

- [vocalizes nasally]

- Oh, my god, you look amazing.

- Oh, my god, you look amazing.

Are you putting on weight?

- Wait, weight?

The client is ready and then she's super demanding.

She knows exactly what she wants...

- Right. - And, like, what she wants

Is a great night.

- Liz. - Uh-huh?

- I feel like you think I'm not gonna deliver.

- [muffled] oh, my god.

- Why would I put our business at risk?

- Like, if you don't [muffled speech]

- [squeaky] I want to perform!

- Of course, then, like, just do it.

- Right. - It's gonna be [muffled speech]

I'm, like, freaking out.

Am I gonna have to get up there and sing myself?

I have a beautiful voice, but I have not

Sang since my bat mitzvah.

- [hyperventilates]

[squeaking]

- Oh, my god, here she is.

[tires screeching] hold on, what is she doing?

- ♪ look at me, don't look at me ♪

♪ I'm the one who knows who's me ♪

♪ I'm the queen, the queen of mean ♪

Oh, my god, my voice sounds amazing.

♪ I am the queen of mean

- I always had total faith that liz could deliver,

And she did.

- ♪ I need a drink

♪ cultured water

- It's, like, so on brand, and it's like perfect

For cultured water, right?

She's really delivering.

- Did you remember to refrigerate this?

- Weigh it?

- ♪ I'm the queen, the queen of mean ♪

♪ I am so mean, so mean to the extreme ♪

♪ so just let me be mean

♪ I am the queen of mean

To the land of England.

- Apparently they neglected to refrigerate the yogurt drinks.

Everyone got sick.

It's been all over the internet.

- Oh, my god.

- ♪ I'll treat you right-- [belches]

- [speaks chinese]

- Yes, the fun loans people are gonna make

A ton of money off of me.

I didn't realize that it was 50% interest,

But, I mean, the opportunity to meet bart simpson

Was just too much for me.

- [laughs]

- Can you take an animated gif?

- One where I look like the black dude

Who looks like the predator in dave matthews band.

The violin player.

What's up, guys?

- What up?

- I like you.

- I like you too, man.

- I'm gonna kill you.

- This is where I start to cry.

- I'm gonna rape you.

- You seem great.

- Bruckenhiemer, shawn, you are free to go.

- Oh, thank you, daddy.

- [bleep] you.

- [bleep] you!

- [bleep] you! - [bleep] you!

- Blow me, bro.

- [bleep] hitler.

- [laughs] - see ya.

- Cell phone. - For the hoes.

- One gold nail file. - For the toes.

- That's it, gents. Empty.

- Come on.

- We came in with one more thing in our pockets.

- Um...I don't know what you guys are talking about.

- I did a semester at bart, so I'm a pretty good writer.

So the yelp review I'm gonna write about this place

Is gonna be scathing.

- His word choice is brilliant.

- You're idiots.

Leave now.

- Give me my cocaine or I'm gonna have a spaz attack!

- So do you guys have, like, good memories? Or...

- [cracks neck]

- Bummer.

- Bruckenhiemer, shawn, you are free to go.

[both laugh]

- Thank you, daddy.

- [bleep] you!

- [bleep] you!

[bleep] you! - [bleep] you!

- Eat my [bleep]. Okay?

- [laughs] good at bizness.

- My hand--my hand smells so bad I'm passing out.

- What do they smell like? - Tuna.

- Oh.

- You know what, I have purell.

I have purell-- I carry purell on my waist.

- You gotta carry purell.

Oh, there you go. - It hangs from my waist.

- And it looks like a kabbalah bracelet.

- It does.