Original subtitles

[clock ticking]

- May I be excused to do my sketch show, please?

- [sighs]

Fine.

[fast, varied music and sounds]

♪

- I'm not cool with music.

I think it's mainly out of jealousy.

Like, it always seems like

Musicians have super-hot girlfriends.

Like, every musician's girlfriend

Looks like a beautiful, homeless cat.

"oh, you got any new albums?"

Like, I don't know.

I just got billy joel's greatest hits.

That's a pretty sweet album. I know all those songs.

[quelled belch]

I just burped. Sorry.

I'm just constantly drinking coffee to stay awake.

Why am I so tired all the time?

Honestly, I could be sleeping, like, 12 hours a day

And wake up and be, like, "I gotta [bleep] take a nap."

Is that relatable?

[bell peals]

- Oh, okay, I'm bobby bottleservice,

Aka, bobby bottleservice.

I have a great desire to know the unknowable.

To see the unseeable.

To understand paralegal activity.

Aka, ghosts.

[bell peals] with me, as per always,

Is my best friend and night-vision videographer,

Peter paparazzo...

- Yo, I'm not particularly afraid of any specific ghost.

- And our deaf/mute sound guy gian.

I mean, this kid always shows up.

And together, we're very much ghost bouncers.

[woman screams]

So we recently got a call from an old-timey tourist location

That they had found ghosts.

So we went down there to find those ghosts

And bounce those ghosts out, bro.

- This building dates back to the 1800s,

When it was originally a brothel.

And in 1854, there was a massive fire here

That destroyed much of the third floor and the attic.

- We were very much aroused to learn that this location

Had at one time been a brothel.

Dude, this place is so old.

There's no, like, flat screens or anything.

- Yo, is that a ghost? - No, bro.

That's a very much cute, adorable elderly woman.

- Since been reconstructed, and obviously...

- [scoffs] what is this, little house on the scary?

- [laughs] gian, you get that, bro?

- Now please follow me upstairs.

[woman screams]

Now, one girl did die in the fire.

[woman screams] she was 16 years old,

And as the story goes, she was on her way

To turn her first trick.

- So she was a whore? - She was, yes.

- But in addition to, as well as, she was a virgin?

- Yes.

- Oh, virgin whore, bro! - Perfect.

- Perfect. Dude! [snaps fingers]

Apparently this woman was a girl

Who was also a virgin but, as well as, a hooker

Who had died in a fire.

- Some people say they smell the waft of a jasmine perfume.

- I very much put mathematics together

And realized that this virgin was also

And, as well as, the ghost.

[woman screams]

Would you date me?

'cause I think I love you.

Why do you look away? Why don't you smile for me?

It turned out this ghost was no demon.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. She was an angel.

- [ghostly whisper] bobby.

[woman screams]

- So we have been married for a year,

And we just bought our first home.

So we went to screws. - How can I help you?

- Sweetheart, what is it that we were looking for again?

- I don't remember.

- Ted and gwen said they were looking for light bulbs,

But I could tell by the vacant look in their eyes

That they wanted something more.

Are you guys looking to build a secret room?

- Yes. - No.

Both: Yes.

[laughter] - great. Follow me.

- Joe was amazing. Just so helpful.

See, he helped us build a secret room

That we could really grow with.

I always imagined having, like, a lot of captives.

- Whereas I had only ever envisioned just one captive.

- [chuckles] well, I come from a big family.

- They were all molested. - Hey...

We molested each other. - Oh--

- I was molested as a child too,

So I knew exactly what they were going after.

- It's soundproof? - Uh-huh.

There's also a handle on it.

- Joe was amazing about all the fine details

And personal touches

That we never would have thought of on our own.

- Yeah, I mean, like, dirty blankets

To make the place look sick. - Mm-hmm.

Or a door that leads to nowhere.

- All at screws' everyday low prices.

- One of our favorite things about joe was that

His ethnicity was nice and ambiguous.

- Like you could cut him up and eat him,

And you wouldn't know where the origins

Of that meat was from.

- But at the same time, yeah, exotic.

- Mm-hmm. - In a really cool way.

- Yeah.

- I'm from the pacific islands.

All along this back part here--

What are you guys doing?

I didn't put enough ventilation in here.

- Shut your pig mouth!

- Hey. Come on. Let me out of here.

- Shut the [bleep] up!

- ♪ oh, a long time ago

♪ on a long, long island

♪ when I wore a young man's clothes ♪

♪ mmmmmmm

[buoy bell rings]

- Oh, hey, captain jack. - Hello there, billy.

- I caught you some worms down at my landscaping job.

Thought you could use 'em for some bait.

- Sure. Here's a quarter for you, lad.

- Whoa, 25 big ones?

Maybe I could go buy that boss jacket I saw

In the store window.

- Well, watch this line for me for a moment,

And there's another quarter in it for you.

- No problem. - Hold onto it tight, huh?

No daydreaming.

And watch out for the montauk monster.

[laughs] - oh, captain jack!

You kill me.

- ♪ mmmmmm

- Hey, bj. What's up, man?

- Aw, beans, I told you not to call me that.

- Hey, you want a hit, billy?

- Oh, no, thanks, isabella. I gotta stay sharp

If I'm gonna write my story songs.

[laughter]

- Yeah, you stay sharp, bj.

We're gonna go dance naked on the beach.

- You wanna come? - Aw, I can't.

I told captain jack I'd hold his rod.

[laughter]

- Yeah, you go hold his rod, man.

- ♪ standin' on the dock

♪ lookin' at some water

♪ waitin' for a change to come my way ♪

♪ something something sons

♪ something something daughters ♪

♪ something something isabella's eyes ♪

Whoa!

[triumphant music]

♪

Thanks, captain jack!

♪

Thanks, captain jack.

Boy, that was a close call.

I guess the montauk monster is real.

- Well, I didn't see anything. [laughter]

I'm very proud of you, billy.

- But I lost the fish. - Ah.

But you never let go of the line, lad.

Half of this treasure belongs to you.

- Holy tamales!

That's all the worms a guy could ever ask for.

- [chuckles]

- ♪ da da da da da da dee

- Want to know everything you want to know

About coming to europe? Well, watch this video

From the spotted ox hostel,

The coolest hostel in all the countries of europe.

For breakfast, we'll do something cool,

Like have a cigarette, then, like, a bar of chocolate.

Then we for work for, like, 1/2 hour, two 1/2 hour.

And then we go for lunch.

And lunch is usually, you know, something cool,

Like a cigarette and, like,

Two, three bottle red wine.

And then, like, a bowl of heavy cream.

And then dinner, you know, we'll do something healthy,

Like, you know, four, five sausages,

And then, like, a chocolate cigarette.

And then we'll invite our cigarette outside

To take an espresso and watch the street life.

And we so much can eat as much as we want,

And we never get heavy, because of olive oil.

So that's what we say.

[crowd cheering]

[whistle blows]

- Time out on the field.

- Ladies and gentlemen, your on-the-field entertainer,

Making sure you enjoy every moment of the game,

Rock and roll's nash ricky.

[heavy metal music]

- ♪ time out, we got a pause in the game ♪

♪ we gotta keep this party rockin' ♪

♪ like a party train

♪ we're gonna rock it all night ♪

♪ and nothing's gonna stop us, gotta ♪

[whistle blows, music stops] thank you.

- Number 77 reported as eligible

Third and six from the 35.

[electrical feedback]

Injury stoppage. This is an official time out.

[heavy metal music] - ♪ injury on the field

♪ but that ain't no reason for the party to yield ♪

♪ injury on the field

♪ but everybody's healthy

♪ on the team called rock and roll ♪

Ow, guitar!

[whistle blows, music stops]

Thank you.

[whistle blows]

- Time out on the field.

That is santa fe's third and final time out.

- Check, check, check, check, check, check.

[heavy metal music]

- ♪ icing the kicker

♪ you got me twistin' and turnin' ♪

♪ in your frozen hell

♪ icing the kicker

♪ I wanna blow out my brains

♪ to avoid your demon spell ♪

All right! [whistle blows]

- Fourth and three from the 35.

♪

[whistle blows]

[guitar riffs continue]

♪

[crowd cheers]

What a shame.

[exciting music]

♪

[woman screams] - I'm happy you guys are here.

You know, when I first started working here,

I thought it was just a tourist thing,

But now I think this place really might be haunted

By that virgin ghost. - Listen...

The last thing the ghost bouncers want

Is for anything to hurt that beautiful face.

Or what's under that doily, which I can only assume

Is supernatural.

- Whoa, peter.

Show a little more very much respect

To this beautiful creature here.

But in a related notice, excuse me, are you 911?

- No.

- 'cause I can never forget you.

- I'm going home. You guys are repulsive.

- Does that mean cool hair?

- Excuse me, before you go,

Does this look like the ghost that you were discussing?

[camera click, motor whirs]

- Let me get a shot of that, bro.

[shutter clicking repeatedly]

- You getting sound on that, bro?

- Gian, are we getting good sound on this?

[woman screams]

- So this is how we lure the ghost in.

We create a v.I.G. Area-- very important ghost.

The v.I.G. Area is for ghosts

Who want to appear better than other ghosts

And will spend upwards of 500 spooky dollars on it.

- Whoa, you smell that?

- Yo, I don't know what the smell is, bro.

- I'm smelling crazy hits of jasmine.

And these glow sticks are all bananas, bro!

Dude, I'm gonna go upstairs

And see if this virgin whore is ready to dance.

But for real, bro. - Go for it!

- So while bobby's luring the girl upstairs

With his feminine wiles,

I'm gonna be downstairs starting the party up, bro.

[beatboxing]

♪

- Whoa!

- All right, ghost, I gotta bust you now.

Ahhhhh, but you make it so hard.

Aw, jeez, you're such a beautiful virgin ghost.

Things have changed so much since your demise.

I don't even know where to begin.

Okay, for example, this.

Big butts are cooler than tits now.

Multiracial people are new.

For example, mma is cool.

No more professional wrestling or boxing.

Mma is cool.

- From beetlejuice all the way to casper,

We're gonna get these ghosts.

Oh...Hey, ghosts,

You're frikkin' toast!

- Wait, what was that? Oh, I think peter's in trouble.

You stay here, painting.

Yo, what's going on, bro?

[woman screams]

Wait, hold on.

Is my ghost girlfriend inside of your body right now?

Has she possessed you?

That's when I realized that my ghost was no angel.

She was a whore.

[man screams, woman screams]

[ghostly laughter]

- You know, the coolest sport is probably cycling

And the long ski jump.

The coolest thing is to have a parliament

But also a king.

Stuff like kings and queens are not outdated.

They're very cool, very-- very modern.

We want to make sure that all our world leaders are corrupt,

And we complain about them, and then we re-elect them

Over and over.

But most of all we love stadium rock.

The worst country is america, and the coolest people

Are james dean and ronald mcdonald.

- I didn't put enough ventilation in here.

- No, no, no, no... - What?

- He's screaming. It's a turn-off.

I'm sick of it. - Then give him some--

Give him some slop. He's probably hungry.

- No, 'cause if he has slop,

Then he's gonna soil himself again.

- Well, so? We don't have to clean the bucket.

- Aaa!

- We don't have to clean it up?

- We don't have to clean it up.

Just let him sit in it, you know what I mean?

- Let him sit in it?

- Just let him sit in his own crap.

- Ahh...I love you so much. - Right? I love y--

- Yeah, what's up, america? I'm sam.I.Am.

- This your boy scuba. - I'm lemon lime.

- We about to drop some serious rhymes on your mind.

♪ this is a revolution, bring down the institution ♪

♪ pollution-producing collusion ♪

♪ uncle sam, we want you for execution ♪

♪ free your mind, free your mind, free your mind ♪

- ♪ on the streets, but we own our beats ♪

- Yo, beats & rice, what's up? I'm jason, man.

I've been checking you guys out on the internet.

Unbelievable stuff.

I want to get you guys on my label here.

Take a look at this. - Okay.

You're not gonna change the message, though, right?

- I'm not gonna change the message--you kidding me?

The message is the key. Hey, listen, sweetheart, come here.

I want to introduce you to somebody.

This is lady d.I.Y. She's gonna be your new singer.

Okay, why don't you guys get to know each other.

Everybody, we're gonna have a lot of fun.

Everybody get up there. Okay, scuba!

- ♪ free your minutes

♪ all your cell phone minutes ♪

♪ you got to go change your plan ♪

♪ it's time for you to take a stand ♪

All three: ♪ sam.I.Am, lemon lime, scuba ♪

- ♪ y'all know who I am

- ♪ it's time to switch up your cellular plan ♪

- ♪ tyranny in contracts

♪ different plans keeping me down ♪

- ♪ lose the service, man, I look like a clown ♪

- ♪ it's time we all come together ♪

♪ and get the best plan we ever had ♪

All: China, africa, usa, germany ♪

- ♪ restrictions apply on all calls overseas ♪

♪

- All right, great show, guys. Great show.

Listen, I got a great way to make some easy money.

I'm talking about getting in the big-box stores.

- But what about our message? - The message--

I'm talking about combining this sex here with fitness.

Okay? That's why, listen,

I had to get rid of lemon line, all right?

This is remon rye.

- Hi. I'm a christian minister.

- All right, now, let's go make some money, guys. Come on!

And have some fun too, all right?

- ♪ free your body right

- ♪ fat free, y'all

- ♪ free your body tonight

♪ yeah, yeah

- ♪ sit-ups, push-ups, working the core ♪

- ♪ bitch it, perch it - ♪ dance like a whore

♪ stay hydrated

♪ acknowledge your demons

- The money's gone. We are in the red.

The mansion's foreclosed.

We have drug problems all around the table.

Everybody's on the horse. Everybody, including myself.

But we have an untapped market. I'm talking about kids.

I'm talking about the little ones.

- Yeah, but what's the message?

- The message is hit the kids where it counts.

It's a cash grab, okay?

It's as much cash as we can grab.

- ♪ free your poopies

- ♪ when I say poo, you say poo ♪

All: ♪ poo poo, doo doo

♪ sit on the can, we know you can ♪

♪ don't believe me? Ask space baby ♪

- ♪ no doodies in the bathtub

- ♪ pee in the potty

- ♪ tell your mom and dad when you have to go ♪

- ♪ we just pulled over

♪ how come you didn't tell us when you had to go? ♪

- ♪ 'cause I didn't have to go then ♪

- ♪ go, space baby, go, space baby ♪

♪ go, go, go, space baby

- What's the message? [fireworks whistling]

- ♪ you're a big boy now [explosion]

- Wha--what happened?

- The coolest way to go out is to go to discotheque

For very late, and then, uh, disco, we'll do a cigarette,

An ecstasy pill,

And then go for healthy meal at kebab place,

And then go outside and throw rock at the window

And call them pakis.

Go home, and we still live with our parents,

Even though we're in our 40s.

You have to complain about how unfair israel is

But then also be very cruel to arabs.

We, like, hate racism

But also will call black footballers monkeys.

And that's real.

- [moans] - what's going on, bro?

I can hear you moaning. What is happening up here?

Peter, what's going on, bro?

Wait, hold on. Is my ghost-whore girlfriend

Inside of your body right now?

Has she possessed you? [woman screams]

Is the ghost whore inside of you, peter?

You let her in you?

What happened to friendship, bro?

What happened to love and loyalty, bro?

Gian, you stay out of this! This isn't your fight.

Nobody but my mother can love me!

[woman screams]

[woman screams]

[slowed laughter]

[boing] [woman screams]

- Whoa. I feel great.

- What happened, pete? - I don't know, man.

All I did was drink a bottle of vodka,

Then everything went black eyed peas.

- Dude, I think my ghost ex-girlfriend

Just roofied you, p.

- Dude, I've never been roofied before.

I've only roofied,

And now I know that I can never roofie again.

Unless, like, it's havasu.

- Oh, boys will be boys, bro. - That's right, bro.

- You know what we should do right now?

Both: Bounce this ghost!

- All right, last call!

- You don't have to go to your haunted house,

But you can't stay at this haunted house.

I bounced a ghost today, but in the process,

I bounced my heart.

[dance music]

- Go, gian. Go, gian.

Whoa! Gian comes through... Again.

Both: Go, gian! Go, gian! Go, gian!

- And gian gets mvp again.

- Undercover mvp-- gian, every time.

Let's go!

So as you can see, we bounc-ed this ghost, past tense.

- All you did was turn on the lights

And tell the ghost to leave.

- That's where you're wrong. Look...

Clicker...Zero ghosts.

- Because you reset it back to zero.

- [loudly] no!

- We need to get to the bottom line,

Which is that my heart has been broken in half,

And all I have is this footage,

And the reminder of this beautiful woman

That I've lost and I never had.

The only thing that can make this go away

Is, perhaps, a three or four-way with you.

- Uh, like...Us?

I mean, are you guys really on tv?

- Very much.

- Whatever.

- Okay, that was easier than I expected.

- Cool.

[woman screams]

[rock music]

- I love jesus christ, I love football.

I love singing, and I love motivating crowds,

And I love to [bleep].

And so just to be here with all those things that I love,

I'm living my dream every day.

Four years sober and just doing it every day.

Well, gosh, I love the internet.

- Ha ha. Good at bizness.

- Ghost...You're toast.

Comin' upstairs...

To the v.I.G., yo, ghost...

You're toast!

Come downstairs.

Come downst-- [laughs]