Original subtitles

- My ultimate chicken sandwich?

- Super spicy. - Bam! In my mouth!

- Dripping with flavor.

- I'm a guy. - I deserve to be satiated.

- None of this vegan chick food.

- I want to eat where I [bleep].

- You got a problem with that?

- I want my food made by someone

Who's not afraid to offend people.

- Including me. - Well, who else is gonna make

A chicken sandwich this delicious?

- People that aren't racist?

- I don't agree with their politics,

But that hot sauce is off the charts.

- I want a toothless, backwater dude cooking my sandwich.

- Look, I don't think you understand, they put pickles

On the chicken, is that racist?

- I don't even know what race I am,

But I do know that this chicken sandwich is delicious.

- Look, my brother's gay, so I don't eat

Chikk klub in front of him,

Just like I ask him not to kiss

His boyfriend in front of my chicken sandwich.

- I'll text my buddies, be like, "we gonna get chikk klub?"

They're like, "absolutely not," and I'm like, "solo mission."

- I love who I am, where I'm from...

I just love chikk klub sandwiches just a little more.

- Chikk klub.

- Marriage between a man

And a chicken sandwich. [chicken clucks]

- We're good.

[dubstep music]

♪

- I used to smoke cigarettes. I was so good at it.

Like, I could blow rings,

Like, I could do everything cool about smoking,

Like, I could blow rings, uh...

And, um, I had to quit.

And it's a bummer, but I feel like there's only gonna be

A few groups of people who smoke in the end.

For example, like, the very rich and the very poor.

'cause they're the only two groups that are like,

"who gives a [bleep]?"

But they actually have a lot in common, the rich and poor.

Like, they both wear a lot of robes and boating caps

And, uh, are difficult in supermarkets.

- [sings in spanish]

I made your favorite: French toast and bacon--

- Gracias, consuela.

Did you cut the crusties off? - Si, mijo.

- But what did you do?

We wanted monte cristos.

- Don't even worry "abart" it.

We're pretty, uh, oxy-content, right now.

- Yeah, we already ate a big vico-din-din.

[both giggle] - no good!

- That's the la-- no!

No, you don't d--

- Wendy, what are we supposed to do?

That was the last of our stash.

- We just have to hunter s. Thompson

Down to tijuana right now.

- 'suela, we're going down to mexico.

Do you want us to send anything to your family?

- [snores]

- ♪ money

♪ big money, big dough

♪ get the paper, get the cheddar ♪

♪ get the scrilla, money ♪

♪ man, I sack every day, bend the block right away ♪

♪ 'cause I'm all about the-- ♪

[explosion]

- [groans]

Que pasa, babies?

- Que pasa? - Perdoname.

- We just need some drugs.

Do you guys have any ghb or pure mdma?

Mas dinero.

- Hey, can I help you with something?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

We're just looking for some scrips, vics, oxy.

- Well you've come to the right place, brother.

I've got the best stuff right here.

- Let me see this, chico.

Dude, give me a "brark."

This is grass clippings.

Give us the real deal, or we're out of here.

- Oh, you're smart, huh?

- I did half a semester at bard, so...

- Yeah. - Don't [bleep] with me.

- Oh, you guys are real gangsters.

- Yeah, man, we let dmx pee on us one time.

- Smelled like vitamins.

- He drinks a lot of water, that's why.

- Yeah, man.

- You know what I'm gonna do for you guys?

I'm gonna hook you up to the best stuff, okay?

But you gotta jump into my van.

- Dolphin-itely. - For sharks.

- Come on.

- Cool, so is this, like, a courtesy shuttle?

- Yeah, can we get, like, tiny waters or something?

[tires screech]

- [burps]

- And the timberdevils are gonna try

One last hail mary down the field--

It is incomplete!

State has won.

Coach kowalski has now three chikk klub bowl victories,

And he's getting doused for it.

- Dante lavonte, always the guy ge--

Oh, and dante lavonte gets doused after breaking...

- What the [bleep]?

- The record for most dousings in a single season.

Another wet winger.

Soaked in success.

- At my job as california's premier plastic surgeon

For pets, I'm in total control.

- Dr. Armond should have his own show.

- But at home, all bets are off.

That was the third time this month.

- This is not what I signed up for.

- Dad, bring me a chocolate milk. Idiot.

Go [bleep] yourself.

- This is armond of the house.

- ♪ standing on a dock, looking at some water ♪

- Oh.

Look what the cat dragged in.

[video game beeps]

Good morning, roman. - Shh!

- Take off your headphones when I'm talking to you.

What, did you just see the movie anger management?

- Go [bleep] yourself.

- You ready for your big day today, hmm?

[basketball bouncing]

[hoop swoosh] [crowd cheers]

- I don't wanna play basketball.

- Roman, we made an agreement.

You will spend more time outside and then you--

- [spits]

- I think that basketball's gonna be a great way

For me and my son roman to bond.

- The producer said I have to play basketball today.

[bleep] you, dad.

- You're trying to get a reaction out of me,

But you won't. - Buck, buck, buck, buck!

Make me eggs.

- You want eggs? - Yeah.

- With toast? - No, on a waffle sandwich.

- Like a monte cristo.

Roman, I can't deny you wanting the finer things in life.

You have seen your mother, after all.

- Eww.

- Room service at the hotel armond.

- Ugh, not on the mouth.

- How are you feeling today? - I'm feeling terrible.

- Oh, my dear sweet.

You must take it easy then.

What can I do to make it up to you?

- My friend dina wants to show me a new jewelry line.

- Dina? Was she that one who sent

The mass email about her miscarriage?

How about this? - ♪ hallelujah

- You get yourself a little piece of jewelry from dina,

And then when roman is playing...

[hoop swoosh] [crowd cheers]

Then you and I could--

- What does that mean?

- I'm making a sexual innuendo to you.

- It's not working. - I know.

- I hate you! I hate my life!

- We're not going to chikk klub, stop it!

[car horn beeps] [tires screech]

- Turn around! - Roman, stop it!

[cars honking, tires screeching]

[funeral music] [police radio chatter]

[typing noises, message alerts]

- What's your story? Talk to me.

- Well, you know, it's like, I wanna expand my singing career

To be, like, a michael-jackson level entertainer.

- Obviously, like, a collaboration with me,

Like, that kind of stuff is possible, no doubt, okay?

- Yeah, you seem like you probably would do, like,

Good business in terms of so many shady people out there

And crooked and, like, you know, shysters.

But you seem like a real, real, down to earth dude.

- "implish-itly." you could absolutely,

Implish-itly trust me.

- I'm gonna bring 110%

To the table on a daily basis.

So one thing I would do is, like, this.

- Okay, that's great.

Yeah, 'cause it's, like, I could see myself shooting

On your face or something that would be respectful.

- [giggles]

Lot of people say I have a real cute laugh.

It's like... [annoying laugh]

- Oh, that's a great laugh. - [continues laughing]

- [laughs]

I think of myself as, like,

A very cool, very white jay-z.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- I'm straight-up looking for beyonce.

- Wow. That's great!

- Like first and first mostly, for me, it's about family.

- Yeah. - So whether it's, like--

Whether it's, like, real family,

[tearing up] like my family, like my mother--

I mean, like, are you very serious about singing? Like--

- I feel like I could learn from you

In terms of, I have so many mentors,

But you would be, like, the real deal.

- You just say you have many mentors and that, like--

- But that's, like, in the past.

- 'cause I feel like I been hurt before

As far as, like, collaborating with women.

And I'm trying to sleep with them, find out that they're

Using other men in a similar fashion

That I'm trying to use them.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

- I'm trying to, it's like, certain words I don't know.

- This feels crazy, right?

- This is crazy, it's like,

I've been hurt too, and it's, like, you know,

It's really good to feel, like, extra safe

With somebody right now, even though it's like,

We don't know, do we go from a business zone

Into many other zones as well?

- That's what I'm saying, straight-up.

- Like, in the bed, just like talking

And telling secrets and stuff? - Telling secrets.

Can I tell you a secret? - Yeah.

- I will beat-- - bobby?

- What's-- - bobby.

Uh... - Is that your secretary?

- Yeah, that's, like, basically, like, my secretary.

- Okay. Okay. - Excuse me.

- That's cool, you--

Hi, I'm farley. Hello. Nice to meet you.

- Very nice to meet you too,

But I'm not his secretary, I'm his mother.

- Excuse me. No disrespect. One second.

- Bobby? Excuse us.

I just wanted to tell you... - Yeah?

- That I love you. - I love you so much, mom.

- I love you, baby.

- Farley? - Good. She's gone.

- Farley, where'd you go? [door slams]

- Now! - Okay, ma.

- Dinner. - I'm coming down, sweetheart.

I love you, ma. - I love you, baby.

- I love you too, ma. - It's almost cold.

[crying] - I'll come down!

I would never let a meal go cold on you!

- The race, not very close, as many experts had predicted.

Jones with a strong showing of support

Across both urban and rural districts.

Uh, he's joined by his wife, two daughters...

[crowd shrieks]

And he's just been doused.

Huh, uh, literally soaked in success.

[whistle blows]

- This afternoon, I took roman

Shopping for basketball supplies.

And, boy, were we having a lot of fun.

Ro?

Roman?

Roman? - What?

- How's the dvd video? - It's not a dvd video.

What do you think the "v" stands for?

Your vagina?

- Roman, please.

Like I haven't heard that one before.

Really, I haven't heard that insult before.

It stung quite a bit.

- No, stop it! I don't want my window down!

- Well I don't have a vagina.

- I'm gonna tell my teacher you molested me.

- Roman, nobody likes a tattletale.

- Cece, you lazy bitch.

Don't tell me this is another one of your bad days.

- Shut up, you slut.

My husband and I have an agreement.

On the rare occasion that we have sex,

He must first commemorate it by giving me a piece of jewelry.

- All right, move over, you fat cow.

- Show me what you got.

- First you have to tell me what you're gonna do

In return, if you know what I mean.

- You bitch.

- If you want the ring, it's first base.

Necklace, second base. [woman moans]

Earrings, third base. [woman moans]

Bracelet, fourth base. [woman moans]

- What about a tiara?

- Tiara is fifth base, aka the dugout.

Aka, your pucker.

You want the crown, you gotta go brown.

I don't have a-- a machine for this, actually.

[phone rings] - this is dr. Armond,

California's premier animal plastic surgeon.

- Dr. Armond, it's pamela.

You need to get here right now. - Hey, pamela, what's going on?

- The office is on fire. - A fire? Oh, my.

I can't believe that my office was on fire again.

- I do, should I-- [phone clicks off]

- Roman? Roman, how dare you?

- No, where are you going?

I gotta stop and get a snack before basketball!

- No, roman. - Turn around!

- No, roman, I-- - I hate you! I hate my life!

- Roman, please. - Get off me.

- We're not going to chikk klub. - [beeps horn]

- Stop it! - Turn around!

- Roman, stop it! - Stop it!

- No, roman, no! [tires screech, horns beep]

Roman made me lose control of the car and my emotions.

I won't let it happen again.

- Yo, you know any of those girls from those rap videos?

Pow, pow...

[slow-mo] pow, pow, pow.

- Roman! [screaming, gunshots]

- ♪ all heads ready

- This is, like, the blackout shades

That I was telling consuela that I wanted in our room.

- This is blacker than seal.

[both laugh]

- It's so funny when racism is casual.

- Ooh, we should go to chikk klub on the way back.

Oh.

- Thank you.

Ustedes, um, tienen, like, pills or can we, like,

Ride the "shneef shnake" as well?

- Pow-pow. Powder. Shneefarooni?

- Okay, carlos menshneefa. - Alvin and the shneefmunks.

- We wanna go to home depot and buy a shneef blower.

[both laugh]

- [chuckles] shut the [bleep] up.

- Okay.

- Or I will cut off your head.

And I will swallow your blood.

- You don't wanna do that to me, I'm...Living with aids.

- Yeah, wendy is full-blown, so--

- Yeah. You know what, I need some, like, some fat

In my stomach to digest my azt.

Do you have any, like, taco trucks or, like, a fat woman

To just make us some quesadillas or something?

- Yeah, but, like, a oaxacan mole?

- Shut up!

- Oh, my god, like a spicy-- - and you shut the [bleep] up!

- Do it again. - You bitches just don't get it.

- Oh, this is a kidnapping.

- Oh, my god. - Why didn't you say that? Okay.

No, my dad's got a kidnapping guy.

You just call him, they'll wire the money.

We'll take care of it.

- Oh, my cousin bjorn and I have a house in the hamptons.

We could give you, like, October?

- Wendy, you can't just use your timeshare for everything.

You don't ever have cash. - Well what's it for then

If I'm not gonna spread it around?

- Why don't you use some cash--

- [fires gun] - ow!

- You're gonna try a lot harder to get that money.

- Can we just go? - Can we just get the drugs?

- Drugs?

There ain't gonna be no drugs.

- Do you not have any drugs in this drug warehouse?

- Why are we driving down the 405

During rush hour if there's not any drugs?

- If you bitches are crying right now,

Wait till you meet the devil himself.

- Does-- does he have drugs?

- God! Aah!

[shrieking] [baby cries]

- Oh, beautiful. Beautiful.

You did it, baby.

[whistle blows]

- [whimpers]

- Look at how beautiful-- [whistle blows]

- Because of the fire at the office,

I had to bring home a patient,

Which made spending quality time with my son outside

And physical time with my wife

Upstairs that much more difficult.

[dog barks]

The dog is taken care of.

We'll do this and then we'll--oh, good.

Roman, uh, this is your basketball tutor

That I found on craigslist. - What up?

- You boys work on your dream shots,

And I'm gonna run upstairs to take care of your mother.

- Whatever.

[glass shatters] yo, you got any weed?

- [sighs]

I'm ready.

- Just took an ambien, you got 20 minutes

Before it's nonconsensual.

- That seems a bit passive-aggressive.

I've been thinking about this all day.

[dog whines]

- Hold that thought.

[sniffs]

[dog bark music]

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Roman, aren't you supposed to be playing basketball?

- Aren't you supposed to be waving

Your limp dils in front of mom's face?

- Oh, you paint quite a picture, matisse.

You put that grass away, and you clean up

This dog's number twos. Do you hear me?

- I want a helicopter by tomorrow, or I'm moving out!

- You're quite a negotiator.

You're gonna be some tycoon some day.

I'm coming, sweetheart!

Roman was finally occupied with the black boy.

The dog's stomach seemed to have finally settled.

Cece, feel free to self-lubricate!

Crisis averted.

But I think I've got one minute left.

Now where was I? - [snores]

- [grunts and groans]

I can't say it was the easiest day,

But I think we all came out ahead.

[continues grunting and groaning]

And I got a kiss from one of the most beautiful

Women I've ever met.

All in a day's work for dr. Armond.

[dog whines and barks]

[dog pants]

[papers being shuffled]

- After careful review of your application,

The consultation with vice president of student affairs...

[mumbles]

Has decided not to approve your application

For our university at this time.

- What? What does that mean?

- I didn't get in, dad.

- Keep reading, maybe you're on the wait list?

- No, I'm not-- no.

I--dad, I didn't get in. I didn't get in.

- You can reapply in the spring. This doesn't matter, this--

- No, you can't--we can't r-- we have to wait a full year--

- We'll do something, kevin. It'll be all right.

This is one school. There are other schools.

- This was the last one I applied to.

This is it.

Summer's gonna suck.

- You know what?

None of this matters, kevin. You know why?

You are a winner in my book.

[whistle blows]

- What just happened?

- Well, a man came in dressed as a football player,

Carrying a bucket of gatorade, and he dumped it on your head.

Right after I said, "you are still a winner."

[whistle blows]

[upbeat music]

Are you on the wait list?

- So cold.

- I think he comes when I say the word "winner."

- Don't-- [whistle blows]

- I meant what I said, kevin.

You really are w-- - don't say it!

- Winner in my book. - Dad!

- Okay, I think he's gone. - He'd better be. God.

No! - Here he comes.

[whistle blows]

[both speaking spanish]

- Oh, please don't kill me, I'm from manhattan.

- Wendy?

- Diego?

- Aspy?

- Didi? - Si!

- O-m-jesus!

- Que pasa, baby?

- Oh, besos.

Besos. [exaggerated kissing noises]

You still have aids? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Esta bien though.

- [speaks spanish]

- [speaks spanish] - [speaks spanish]

- You look great.

You look great. - Yeah, I lost 50 pounds.

- Did you get that stomach stapling?

- The lap-band. - You got the lap-band?

- We haven't seen you since stadt

At my grandfather's chalet, right?

- I brought snow to the snow. - That was so fun.

- Welcome to my candy shop.

[snaps fingers]

- Wait.

Jesus said you didn't have any blow.

- Oh, don't talk to him, he's a piece of [bleep].

[all laugh] - so fun.

- Do you want to bang shneeva longoria?

[both laugh]

Both: Dolphin-itely.

[club music]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[gunshot]

[latin music]

- Whoa.

- Wow.

- Wa-wa-we-wa.

- Ha. Borat.

- Totes.

[tires screech]

- Pow. Pow, pow, pow.

Pow.

P-pow, pow, pow, pow.

Make dat ass work for you like a banker.

[grunts]

[laughter]