All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S01E02_English

- My ultimate chicken sandwich?

- Super spicy.
- Bam! In my mouth!

- Dripping
with flavor.

- I'm a guy.
- I deserve to be satiated.

- None of this vegan
chick food.

- I want to eat
where I [bleep].

- You got a problem
with that?

- I want my food
made by someone

Who's not afraid
to offend people.

- Including me.
- Well, who else is gonna make

A chicken sandwich
this delicious?

- People that
aren't racist?

- I don't agree
with their politics,

But that hot sauce
is off the charts.

- I want a toothless, backwater
dude cooking my sandwich.

- Look, I don't think you
understand, they put pickles

On the chicken,
is that racist?

- I don't even know
what race I am,

But I do know that this chicken
sandwich is delicious.

- Look, my brother's gay,
so I don't eat

Chikk klub
in front of him,

Just like I ask him
not to kiss

His boyfriend in front
of my chicken sandwich.

- I'll text my buddies, be like,
"we gonna get chikk klub?"

They're like, "absolutely not,"
and I'm like, "solo mission."

- I love who I am,
where I'm from...

I just love chikk klub
sandwiches just a little more.

- Chikk klub.

- Marriage between a man

And a chicken sandwich.
[chicken clucks]

- We're good.

[dubstep music]

♪

- I used to smoke cigarettes.
I was so good at it.

Like, I could blow rings,

Like, I could do everything cool
about smoking,

Like, I could blow rings,
uh...

And, um,
I had to quit.

And it's a bummer, but I feel
like there's only gonna be

A few groups of people
who smoke in the end.

For example, like, the very rich
and the very poor.

'cause they're the only two
groups that are like,

"who gives a [bleep]?"

But they actually have a lot
in common, the rich and poor.

Like, they both wear a lot
of robes and boating caps

And, uh, are difficult
in supermarkets.

- [sings in spanish]

I made your favorite:
French toast and bacon--

- Gracias, consuela.

Did you cut the crusties off?
- Si, mijo.

- But what did you do?

We wanted monte cristos.

- Don't even worry "abart" it.

We're pretty, uh,
oxy-content, right now.

- Yeah, we already ate a big
vico-din-din.

[both giggle]
- no good!

- That's the la--
no!

No, you don't d--

- Wendy, what are
we supposed to do?

That was the last
of our stash.

- We just have to
hunter s. Thompson

Down to tijuana right now.

- 'suela, we're going
down to mexico.

Do you want us to send anything
to your family?

- [snores]

- ♪ money

♪ big money, big dough

♪ get the paper,
get the cheddar ♪

♪ get the scrilla,
money ♪

♪ man, I sack every day,
bend the block right away ♪

♪ 'cause I'm
all about the-- ♪

[explosion]

- [groans]

Que pasa, babies?

- Que pasa?
- Perdoname.

- We just need some drugs.

Do you guys have
any ghb or pure mdma?

Mas dinero.

- Hey, can I help you
with something?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

We're just looking
for some scrips, vics, oxy.

- Well you've come
to the right place, brother.

I've got the best stuff
right here.

- Let me see this, chico.

Dude, give me a "brark."

This is grass clippings.

Give us the real deal,
or we're out of here.

- Oh, you're smart, huh?

- I did half a semester
at bard, so...

- Yeah.
- Don't [bleep] with me.

- Oh, you guys
are real gangsters.

- Yeah, man, we let dmx
pee on us one time.

- Smelled like vitamins.

- He drinks a lot of water,
that's why.

- Yeah, man.

- You know what I'm gonna
do for you guys?

I'm gonna hook you up
to the best stuff, okay?

But you gotta jump
into my van.

- Dolphin-itely.
- For sharks.

- Come on.

- Cool, so is this, like,
a courtesy shuttle?

- Yeah, can we get, like,
tiny waters or something?

[tires screech]

- [burps]

- And the timberdevils
are gonna try

One last hail mary
down the field--

It is incomplete!

State has won.

Coach kowalski has now three
chikk klub bowl victories,

And he's getting doused
for it.

- Dante lavonte,
always the guy ge--

Oh, and dante lavonte
gets doused after breaking...

- What the [bleep]?

- The record for most dousings
in a single season.

Another wet winger.

Soaked in success.

- At my job as california's
premier plastic surgeon

For pets,
I'm in total control.

- Dr. Armond should
have his own show.

- But at home,
all bets are off.

That was the third time
this month.

- This is not what
I signed up for.

- Dad, bring me
a chocolate milk. Idiot.

Go [bleep] yourself.

- This is
armond of the house.

- ♪ standing on a dock,
looking at some water ♪

- Oh.

Look what the cat
dragged in.

[video game beeps]

Good morning, roman.
- Shh!

- Take off your headphones
when I'm talking to you.

What, did you just see the movie
anger management?

- Go [bleep] yourself.

- You ready for
your big day today, hmm?

[basketball bouncing]

[hoop swoosh]
[crowd cheers]

- I don't wanna
play basketball.

- Roman,
we made an agreement.

You will spend more time outside
and then you--

- [spits]

- I think that basketball's
gonna be a great way

For me and my son roman
to bond.

- The producer said I have
to play basketball today.

[bleep] you, dad.

- You're trying to get
a reaction out of me,

But you won't.
- Buck, buck, buck, buck!

Make me eggs.

- You want eggs?
- Yeah.

- With toast?
- No, on a waffle sandwich.

- Like a monte cristo.

Roman, I can't deny you wanting
the finer things in life.

You have seen your mother,
after all.

- Eww.

- Room service
at the hotel armond.

- Ugh, not on the mouth.

- How are you feeling today?
- I'm feeling terrible.

- Oh, my dear sweet.

You must
take it easy then.

What can I do to
make it up to you?

- My friend dina wants
to show me a new jewelry line.

- Dina? Was she
that one who sent

The mass email about
her miscarriage?

How about this?
- ♪ hallelujah

- You get yourself a little
piece of jewelry from dina,

And then when roman
is playing...

[hoop swoosh]
[crowd cheers]

Then you and I could--

- What does that mean?

- I'm making
a sexual innuendo to you.

- It's not working.
- I know.

- I hate you!
I hate my life!

- We're not going to chikk klub,
stop it!

[car horn beeps]
[tires screech]

- Turn around!
- Roman, stop it!

[cars honking,
tires screeching]

[funeral music]
[police radio chatter]

[typing noises,
message alerts]

- What's your story?
Talk to me.

- Well, you know, it's like, I
wanna expand my singing career

To be, like, a michael-jackson
level entertainer.

- Obviously, like,
a collaboration with me,

Like, that kind of stuff
is possible, no doubt, okay?

- Yeah, you seem like you
probably would do, like,

Good business in terms of so
many shady people out there

And crooked and, like,
you know, shysters.

But you seem like a real,
real, down to earth dude.

- "implish-itly."
you could absolutely,

Implish-itly trust me.

- I'm gonna bring 110%

To the table on a daily basis.

So one thing I would do is,
like, this.

- Okay, that's great.

Yeah, 'cause it's, like,
I could see myself shooting

On your face or something
that would be respectful.

- [giggles]

Lot of people say
I have a real cute laugh.

It's like...
[annoying laugh]

- Oh, that's a great laugh.
- [continues laughing]

- [laughs]

I think of myself as, like,

A very cool,
very white jay-z.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- I'm straight-up
looking for beyonce.

- Wow. That's great!

- Like first and first mostly,
for me, it's about family.

- Yeah.
- So whether it's, like--

Whether it's, like,
real family,

[tearing up]
like my family, like my mother--

I mean, like, are you very
serious about singing? Like--

- I feel like
I could learn from you

In terms of,
I have so many mentors,

But you would be,
like, the real deal.

- You just say you have many
mentors and that, like--

- But that's,
like, in the past.

- 'cause I feel like
I been hurt before

As far as, like,
collaborating with women.

And I'm trying to sleep with
them, find out that they're

Using other men
in a similar fashion

That I'm trying
to use them.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

- I'm trying to, it's like,
certain words I don't know.

- This feels crazy, right?

- This is crazy,
it's like,

I've been hurt too,
and it's, like, you know,

It's really good to feel,
like, extra safe

With somebody right now,
even though it's like,

We don't know,
do we go from a business zone

Into many other zones
as well?

- That's what I'm saying,
straight-up.

- Like, in the bed,
just like talking

And telling secrets and stuff?
- Telling secrets.

Can I tell you a secret?
- Yeah.

- I will beat--
- bobby?

- What's--
- bobby.

Uh...
- Is that your secretary?

- Yeah, that's, like, basically,
like, my secretary.

- Okay. Okay.
- Excuse me.

- That's cool, you--

Hi, I'm farley. Hello.
Nice to meet you.

- Very nice to meet you too,

But I'm not his secretary,
I'm his mother.

- Excuse me.
No disrespect. One second.

- Bobby?
Excuse us.

I just wanted to tell you...
- Yeah?

- That I love you.
- I love you so much, mom.

- I love you, baby.

- Farley?
- Good. She's gone.

- Farley, where'd you go?
[door slams]

- Now!
- Okay, ma.

- Dinner.
- I'm coming down, sweetheart.

I love you, ma.
- I love you, baby.

- I love you too, ma.
- It's almost cold.

[crying]
- I'll come down!

I would never let a meal go cold
on you!

- The race, not very close,
as many experts had predicted.

Jones with a strong showing
of support

Across both urban
and rural districts.

Uh, he's joined by his wife,
two daughters...

[crowd shrieks]

And he's just been doused.

Huh, uh, literally
soaked in success.

[whistle blows]

- This afternoon, I took roman

Shopping for
basketball supplies.

And, boy, were we having
a lot of fun.

Ro?

Roman?

Roman?
- What?

- How's the dvd video?
- It's not a dvd video.

What do you think
the "v" stands for?

Your vagina?

- Roman, please.

Like I haven't heard
that one before.

Really, I haven't heard
that insult before.

It stung quite a bit.

- No, stop it!
I don't want my window down!

- Well I don't have
a vagina.

- I'm gonna tell my teacher
you molested me.

- Roman, nobody likes
a tattletale.

- Cece, you lazy bitch.

Don't tell me this is another
one of your bad days.

- Shut up, you slut.

My husband and I
have an agreement.

On the rare occasion
that we have sex,

He must first commemorate it by
giving me a piece of jewelry.

- All right, move over,
you fat cow.

- Show me what you got.

- First you have to tell me what
you're gonna do

In return,
if you know what I mean.

- You bitch.

- If you want the ring,
it's first base.

Necklace, second base.
[woman moans]

Earrings, third base.
[woman moans]

Bracelet, fourth base.
[woman moans]

- What about a tiara?

- Tiara is fifth base,
aka the dugout.

Aka, your pucker.

You want the crown,
you gotta go brown.

I don't have a--
a machine for this, actually.

[phone rings]
- this is dr. Armond,

California's premier
animal plastic surgeon.

- Dr. Armond, it's pamela.

You need to get here right now.
- Hey, pamela, what's going on?

- The office is on fire.
- A fire? Oh, my.

I can't believe that my office
was on fire again.

- I do, should I--
[phone clicks off]

- Roman?
Roman, how dare you?

- No, where are you going?

I gotta stop and get a snack
before basketball!

- No, roman.
- Turn around!

- No, roman, I--
- I hate you! I hate my life!

- Roman, please.
- Get off me.

- We're not going to chikk klub.
- [beeps horn]

- Stop it!
- Turn around!

- Roman, stop it!
- Stop it!

- No, roman, no!
[tires screech, horns beep]

Roman made me lose control
of the car and my emotions.

I won't let it
happen again.

- Yo, you know any of those
girls from those rap videos?

Pow, pow...

[slow-mo]
pow, pow, pow.

- Roman!
[screaming, gunshots]

- ♪ all heads ready

- This is, like,
the blackout shades

That I was telling consuela that
I wanted in our room.

- This is blacker than seal.

[both laugh]

- It's so funny
when racism is casual.

- Ooh, we should go
to chikk klub on the way back.

Oh.

- Thank you.

Ustedes, um, tienen, like,
pills or can we, like,

Ride the "shneef shnake"
as well?

- Pow-pow. Powder.
Shneefarooni?

- Okay, carlos menshneefa.
- Alvin and the shneefmunks.

- We wanna go to home depot
and buy a shneef blower.

[both laugh]

- [chuckles]
shut the [bleep] up.

- Okay.

- Or I will cut off
your head.

And I will swallow
your blood.

- You don't wanna do that to me,
I'm...Living with aids.

- Yeah, wendy is
full-blown, so--

- Yeah. You know what,
I need some, like, some fat

In my stomach
to digest my azt.

Do you have any, like, taco
trucks or, like, a fat woman

To just make us some quesadillas
or something?

- Yeah, but, like,
a oaxacan mole?

- Shut up!

- Oh, my god, like a spicy--
- and you shut the [bleep] up!

- Do it again.
- You bitches just don't get it.

- Oh, this is a kidnapping.

- Oh, my god.
- Why didn't you say that? Okay.

No, my dad's got
a kidnapping guy.

You just call him,
they'll wire the money.

We'll take care of it.

- Oh, my cousin bjorn and I
have a house in the hamptons.

We could give you,
like, October?

- Wendy, you can't just use your
timeshare for everything.

You don't ever have cash.
- Well what's it for then

If I'm not gonna
spread it around?

- Why don't you use
some cash--

- [fires gun]
- ow!

- You're gonna try a lot harder
to get that money.

- Can we just go?
- Can we just get the drugs?

- Drugs?

There ain't gonna be
no drugs.

- Do you not have any drugs
in this drug warehouse?

- Why are we driving
down the 405

During rush hour
if there's not any drugs?

- If you bitches
are crying right now,

Wait till you meet
the devil himself.

- Does--
does he have drugs?

- God!
Aah!

[shrieking]
[baby cries]

- Oh, beautiful.
Beautiful.

You did it, baby.

[whistle blows]

- [whimpers]

- Look at how beautiful--
[whistle blows]

- Because of the fire
at the office,

I had to bring home
a patient,

Which made spending quality time
with my son outside

And physical time
with my wife

Upstairs that much
more difficult.

[dog barks]

The dog is taken care of.

We'll do this and then
we'll--oh, good.

Roman, uh, this is
your basketball tutor

That I found on craigslist.
- What up?

- You boys work
on your dream shots,

And I'm gonna run upstairs
to take care of your mother.

- Whatever.

[glass shatters]
yo, you got any weed?

- [sighs]

I'm ready.

- Just took an ambien, you got
20 minutes

Before it's nonconsensual.

- That seems a bit
passive-aggressive.

I've been thinking
about this all day.

[dog whines]

- Hold that thought.

[sniffs]

[dog bark music]

Oh, you've got
to be kidding me.

Roman, aren't you supposed to be
playing basketball?

- Aren't you supposed
to be waving

Your limp dils in
front of mom's face?

- Oh, you paint quite
a picture, matisse.

You put that grass away,
and you clean up

This dog's number twos.
Do you hear me?

- I want a helicopter
by tomorrow, or I'm moving out!

- You're quite
a negotiator.

You're gonna be
some tycoon some day.

I'm coming, sweetheart!

Roman was finally occupied
with the black boy.

The dog's stomach seemed to have
finally settled.

Cece, feel free
to self-lubricate!

Crisis averted.

But I think I've got
one minute left.

Now where was I?
- [snores]

- [grunts and groans]

I can't say it was
the easiest day,

But I think we all
came out ahead.

[continues grunting
and groaning]

And I got a kiss from
one of the most beautiful

Women I've ever met.

All in a day's work
for dr. Armond.

[dog whines and barks]

[dog pants]

[papers being shuffled]

- After careful review
of your application,

The consultation with vice
president of student affairs...

[mumbles]

Has decided not to approve
your application

For our university
at this time.

- What?
What does that mean?

- I didn't get in, dad.

- Keep reading, maybe you're on
the wait list?

- No, I'm not--
no.

I--dad, I didn't get in.
I didn't get in.

- You can reapply in the spring.
This doesn't matter, this--

- No, you can't--we can't r--
we have to wait a full year--

- We'll do something, kevin.
It'll be all right.

This is one school.
There are other schools.

- This was the last one
I applied to.

This is it.

Summer's gonna suck.

- You know what?

None of this matters, kevin.
You know why?

You are a winner
in my book.

[whistle blows]

- What just happened?

- Well, a man came in
dressed as a football player,

Carrying a bucket of gatorade,
and he dumped it on your head.

Right after I said,
"you are still a winner."

[whistle blows]

[upbeat music]

Are you on
the wait list?

- So cold.

- I think he comes when I say
the word "winner."

- Don't--
[whistle blows]

- I meant
what I said, kevin.

You really are w--
- don't say it!

- Winner in my book.
- Dad!

- Okay, I think he's gone.
- He'd better be. God.

No!
- Here he comes.

[whistle blows]

[both speaking spanish]

- Oh, please don't kill me,
I'm from manhattan.

- Wendy?

- Diego?

- Aspy?

- Didi?
- Si!

- O-m-jesus!

- Que pasa, baby?

- Oh, besos.

Besos.
[exaggerated kissing noises]

You still have aids?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Esta bien though.

- [speaks spanish]

- [speaks spanish]
- [speaks spanish]

- You look great.

You look great.
- Yeah, I lost 50 pounds.

- Did you get that
stomach stapling?

- The lap-band.
- You got the lap-band?

- We haven't seen
you since stadt

At my grandfather's
chalet, right?

- I brought snow to the snow.
- That was so fun.

- Welcome to my candy shop.

[snaps fingers]

- Wait.

Jesus said you
didn't have any blow.

- Oh, don't talk to him,
he's a piece of [bleep].

[all laugh]
- so fun.

- Do you want to bang
shneeva longoria?

[both laugh]

Both: Dolphin-itely.

[club music]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[gunshot]

[latin music]

- Whoa.

- Wow.

- Wa-wa-we-wa.

- Ha.
Borat.

- Totes.

[tires screech]

- Pow.
Pow, pow, pow.

Pow.

P-pow, pow, pow, pow.

Make dat ass work
for you like a banker.

[grunts]

[laughter]