All language subtitles for I Am a Sex Addict 2005

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian Download
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:49,212 Hi. My name's Caveh, and I'm about to be married. 2 00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:53,981 Um, this isn't my first time. I've actually been married twice before. 3 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,546 Um, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be the last time. 4 00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,216 Um... 5 00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:02,659 How can I know that for sure? I can't, obviously. 6 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,358 My last two marriages fell apart because I used to have this sex addiction problem, 7 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,526 and I don't really have that anymore. 8 00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:11,570 Well, at least not in the way I used to. 9 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,105 Um... 10 00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:17,269 You see, about ten years ago I started going to these Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. 11 00:01:17,343 --> 00:01:20,676 Hi. My name's Caveh. I'm a sex addict. 12 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,681 ALL: Hi, Caveh. 13 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:27,152 For me, it all started in Paris about seven years ago. 14 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,922 Actually, I wasn't able to raise enough money to go to Paris, 15 00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:41,193 so I'm just going to shoot it here in San Francisco, 16 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,757 which is where I live now. 17 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:45,066 So if you could just pretend this is Paris... 18 00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,605 ...and that I'm 23 years old. 19 00:01:58,651 --> 00:02:00,915 So anyway, I was walking down the street one day... 20 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:08,083 ...when I saw this prostitute. 21 00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,631 The first thing that struck me was what she was wearing. 22 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,331 But then I noticed her uncanny resemblance to my wife. 23 00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:20,634 I thought it was strange that I should be so turned on by this woman, 24 00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:24,609 and yet no longer the least bit attracted to my wife. 25 00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:26,440 You fucking shut the fuck up! 26 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,845 This is Caroline, my wife. 27 00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,815 How I ended up marrying her 28 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:35,014 instead of the person I was really in love with is a long story. 29 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:39,149 But I should probably start by explaining that I never would have married Caroline 30 00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:41,318 if it hadn't been for the fact that she was French... 31 00:02:43,296 --> 00:02:45,161 ... and that her visa was about to expire. 32 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,631 Actually, let me back up a second. 33 00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:53,901 This is Anna. 34 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:57,374 She was my first real girlfriend and the love of my life. 35 00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:02,309 We had met in college and had been together for two years. 36 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:07,310 Now, I should probably explain that ever since I was a kid, 37 00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:10,618 I was obsessed with finding my soul mate. 38 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,022 Every time I would meet a girl I would think, 39 00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,423 "Is she the one? 40 00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:16,027 "Is she the one? 41 00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:17,756 Or is she the one?" 42 00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:21,526 I was constantly falling in love at the drop of a hat, 43 00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:25,537 but the girls I was attracted to never seemed to be attracted to me. 44 00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:29,271 Things went on like this for years, 45 00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:32,641 and I was starting to despair of ever finding a soul mate. 46 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,677 And then I met Anna. 47 00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:39,377 She had the most beautiful soul of anyone I had ever met. 48 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,048 And the two years we spent together were the happiest of my life. 49 00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:49,061 It seemed that nothing could ever come between us 50 00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:50,925 and that we would always be together. 51 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:57,092 The only problem was that I was a philosophy major 52 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,933 and believed in free love. 53 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,702 To me, monogamy was a form of private property, 54 00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:07,541 and I was against private property. 55 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,206 Let me try one more a different way. 56 00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:15,477 Our role models at the time were Jean Paul Satre and Simone de Beauvoir 57 00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:18,490 because they were said to have had a polygamous relationship 58 00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:20,526 which had lasted their entire lives. 59 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:23,084 (birds chirping) 60 00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:26,154 Anna had had affairs, and so had I. 61 00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:29,191 Of course, we both got jealous at times, 62 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,602 but we believed that jealousy was something to be transcended 63 00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:35,539 and that it was possible to love more than one person at a time... 64 00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,132 (beach music playing) 65 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,474 ... which is how I ended up becoming involved with Caroline. 66 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,880 We had met in Paris a few months earlier 67 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,817 and had spent three idyllic days together. 68 00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:52,586 I know I said that we couldn't afford to shoot in Paris, and we really can't, 69 00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:55,127 but the actress playing Caroline, 70 00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:59,654 her visa expired and she actually had to go back to France 71 00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:02,462 before we could finish the film. 72 00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:05,265 Actually, let me back up a little. 73 00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:09,035 You see, I had a really hard time finding a French actress to play my wife. 74 00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:11,099 And then one day I saw this woman on the street 75 00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:13,372 who looked a lot like the real Caroline. 76 00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:16,643 So I started talking to her and found out that she was French. 77 00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:18,445 So I asked her to audition. 78 00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:22,147 CAVEH: So what do you do for money? What's your business? 79 00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:23,779 I have a make-up company. 80 00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:25,847 CAVEH: Oh, really? Are you a make-up artist? 81 00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:28,689 Well, actually, I teach people to do make-up. 82 00:05:28,761 --> 00:05:30,820 CAVEH: Really? So you're a make-up artist teacher? 83 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,091 Yes, I am. 84 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,723 Now, I should probably explain 85 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,701 that the real Caroline was also a make-up artist, 86 00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:41,399 which I took as a sign that I had found the perfect person to play the role. 87 00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:45,376 But then a few months later, when we were about to do re-shoots, 88 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,345 something really weird happened. 89 00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:50,610 Okay, something really weird just happened. 90 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:56,315 I was looking for a French prostitute 91 00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:58,823 to act in the movie for the prostitute scene. 92 00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,620 Where is it? 93 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,058 There it is. 94 00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:06,895 I found this face that says Rebecca Lord. 95 00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:08,593 So I open it... 96 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,830 And I'm like... 97 00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:15,635 "Porn Star Rebecca Lord, French." 98 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:19,769 And I'm like, "Wow, she looks so much like Caroline." 99 00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:23,740 I go down. 100 00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,649 I'm like, "She looks so much like Caroline." 101 00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,847 And then it says here, 102 00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:32,584 "working first as a make-up artist." 103 00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:34,216 That's what Caroline was. 104 00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:39,825 And then it says that she'll be visiting San Francisco August 7th through 11th. 105 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,924 That's when we're shooting our re-shoots. 106 00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:45,196 And I'm like, "Wait a minute. 107 00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:49,367 Caroline... is a prostitute?" 108 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,441 And then there's all these movies. 109 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,743 Here's her list of credits. 110 00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:05,717 Sluts of France. 111 00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:13,796 So I had inadvertently cast a porn star to play my French wife. 112 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,732 But anyway, getting back to the story. 113 00:07:19,705 --> 00:07:21,502 We had met in Paris a few months earlier 114 00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:24,407 and had spent three idyllic days together. 115 00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:28,380 I had been totally honest with Caroline 116 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,349 about my relationship with Anna and had even asked her... 117 00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:33,715 Do you ever get jealous? 118 00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:34,878 To which she had answered... 119 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,616 Life is too short for that. 120 00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:40,250 I was blown away by her answer 121 00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:43,784 and I found myself starting to fall in love with Caroline. 122 00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:48,094 But I still believed that Anna was the true love of my life. 123 00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:53,370 But then a month later, Caroline flew to the States to see me, 124 00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:56,033 and it was then that the trouble started. 125 00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:59,043 You see, Anna became jealous of Caroline 126 00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:02,046 and insisted that I choose between them. 127 00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,344 I didn't want to choose between them. 128 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,476 I wanted to be able to see them both. 129 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:10,248 But then Anna got a summer internship in New York, 130 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:14,316 and Caroline and I ended up spending the summer together. 131 00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:17,624 Which is why when her visa expired. 132 00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:21,326 I offered to marry her so that she could stay in the States. 133 00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:26,062 Now, I should probably explain that I wasn't exactly the marrying type. 134 00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:29,107 In fact, I was totally against marriage. 135 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,167 You see, I had grown up during the Vietnam War 136 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:35,305 and I saw marriage as pat of the same capitalist system 137 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,440 that had produced the genocide in Vietnam. 138 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,178 (explosions) 139 00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:45,384 (screaming) 140 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,824 But I was also influenced by performance at... 141 00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:48,986 (screaming) 142 00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:52,087 ... and by the idea of life itself as a kind of performance piece. 143 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,466 And to me the institution of marriage was so inherently absurd 144 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,666 that I tried to subvert it by treating it as performance art. 145 00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:02,833 I do. 146 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:06,606 Except that the joke, as it turned out, was on me. 147 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:10,046 Because when Anna found out that I had gotten married to Caroline, 148 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,107 she didn't take it so well. 149 00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:13,742 (phone slams) 150 00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:16,014 And then I did something incredibly dumb. 151 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,015 You see, Caroline and I were about to run out of money... 152 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:26,598 ... and the idea of having to get a job was, in my mind, a fate worse than death. 153 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:30,134 The only occupation I was interested in 154 00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:32,830 was that of famous filmmaker. 155 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,203 But the few experimental films that I had made 156 00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:39,506 hadn't exactly been greeted with enthusiasm by the film world. 157 00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:43,505 (indistinct) 158 00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:51,486 To remedy this situation, 159 00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:55,789 I had recently written a script about the French poet Arthur Rimbaud 160 00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:58,853 which I was convinced would revolutionize cinema... 161 00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:04,933 ... and which Caroline insisted it would be easy to raise money for in France. 162 00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:09,564 It will be easy to raise money for this in France. 163 00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:14,403 But moving to France turned out to be a disaster. 164 00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:20,176 Most of the film producers I approached wouldn't even talk to me. 165 00:10:20,252 --> 00:10:24,120 The few that did just told me that I was nobody. 166 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,925 Meanwhile, my relationship with Caroline had started to unravel. 167 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,462 (crying) 168 00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:34,522 Caroline was insanely jealous of Anna and would cry hysterically 169 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,125 whenever I would write her a letter or talk to her on the phone. 170 00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,727 Hi, how are you doing? 171 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,103 I was starting to feel trapped, and it was hard not to blame Caroline 172 00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:46,668 for having gotten in the way of my relationship with Anna. 173 00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:49,874 And then one day, I got a letter from Anna 174 00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:52,577 saying that she was going to be in Amsterdam 175 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,052 and asking if I would like to meet her there. 176 00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,777 (crying) 177 00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:58,187 I was ecstatic. 178 00:10:58,257 --> 00:11:01,784 I felt that I was finally being given a chance to get back together with Anna. 179 00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:07,058 But Caroline knew that if I left I would never come back, 180 00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,124 so she decided to jump out a window. 181 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,305 The thought of being responsible for her death 182 00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:16,170 - was way more guilt than I could handle. - (siren wails) 183 00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:19,211 - Caroline! Caroline! - No! No! 184 00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:21,644 (grunting) 185 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:24,410 So I agreed never to see Anna again. 186 00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:34,151 It was by far the most painful decision I ever made. 187 00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,721 But I did it because years of going to Sunday school 188 00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:41,028 had taught me to equate virtue with sacrifice. 189 00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,762 - Can I come down? - MAN: One more time. 190 00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:50,036 I should probably also explain that when I was in college 191 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,872 I had once asked my friend Arnold... 192 00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,936 (coughs) 193 00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:58,643 What's your, like, ultimate goal in life? 194 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,049 And he had said... 195 00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:01,984 To be a saint. 196 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,045 I'd been blown away by his answer... 197 00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:08,516 ... and I decided that I too would try to become a saint. 198 00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:13,987 Which is why, when Caroline asked me 199 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:17,627 to cut all ties with the only person I had ever truly loved, 200 00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:19,500 I agreed. 201 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,540 (ting) 202 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,906 When I found out much later 203 00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:27,741 that Anna had gotten married to someone else, 204 00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:30,043 I was devastated. 205 00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:35,110 I had still been secretly hoping that Caroline and I would eventually break up 206 00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:38,315 and that Anna and I would one day get back together. 207 00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:41,951 But now I realized that it was really over. 208 00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:48,659 I tried my best to transcend my feelings 209 00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:52,898 and to resign myself to a life of quiet desperation. 210 00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:56,169 But the truth is I was incredibly angry. 211 00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:58,142 I was angry at God, 212 00:12:58,210 --> 00:12:59,973 I was angry at Caroline, 213 00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:02,536 and I was angry at myself. 214 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,812 But mostly I was angry at Caroline. 215 00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:10,620 And then one day I was walking down the street 216 00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:14,420 when I saw... this prostitute. 217 00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:19,191 There was something about her 218 00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:23,133 that turned me on in a way that I had never been turned on before. 219 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:27,095 It was as if I had been hypnotized. 220 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:39,249 And then I suddenly found myself saying something that I had never said before. 221 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,081 I said the words... 222 00:13:42,922 --> 00:13:47,859 Now, I should probably explain that I had always considered myself a feminist 223 00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:51,363 and had even marched in an anti-pornography rally once. 224 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,133 Which is why 225 00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:57,533 when I suddenly found myself saying the words... 226 00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,867 ...I half expected the prostitute to run screaming... 227 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,101 (gasps) 228 00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,003 ... or to slap me in the face. 229 00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:12,274 The fact that she didn't, but smiled instead and said... 230 00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:15,945 ... made my head spin. 231 00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:35,236 Afterwards, I was a nervous wreck. 232 00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,367 I couldn't get her out of my mind. 233 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:53,782 - CAROLINE: Hi. - Hi. 234 00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:07,930 I thought that if I masturbated, I would get her out of my system. 235 00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:10,842 But it didn't work. 236 00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:17,137 So after several days of compulsive masturbation, 237 00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:19,741 I decided that I needed a new strategy. 238 00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:33,556 You see, I knew that she was just a regular person. 239 00:15:33,632 --> 00:15:38,331 But in my mind, I had somehow made her into an image of erotic salvation. 240 00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:39,393 (harp music plays) 241 00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:44,170 And it seemed that the only way to get her off the erotic pedestal that I had put her on 242 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,473 was to have a real conversation with her. 243 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,585 Unfortunately, she wasn't there. 244 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:11,967 I was mad at myself for having wasted so many hours of my day, 245 00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,301 but I didn't want to leave empty-handed. 246 00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:50,037 I asked that same question to every prostitute that was there that day. 247 00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:52,441 I might even have asked some of them twice. 248 00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:56,979 Afterwards, I felt strangely euphoric. 249 00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:02,114 And I returned home feeling that I had finally gotten this thing out of my system. 250 00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:04,348 (moaning) 251 00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:06,084 But I was wrong. 252 00:17:06,158 --> 00:17:09,616 Instead of fantasizing about just the one prostitute, 253 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,095 I was now fantasizing about all of them. 254 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,959 I went back the next day... 255 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,799 and the next day... 256 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,771 and the next. 257 00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:25,270 At first it was enough just to talk to them... 258 00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:28,973 ... and to fantasize about them afterwards. 259 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,346 (moaning) 260 00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:36,754 But after a while, just talking to them was no longer enough. 261 00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:48,058 Now, I know that a lot of guys in my situation 262 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,624 would have just gone ahead and had sex with the prostitute 263 00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,727 and not told their wife about it. 264 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,273 But I had this thing about honesty. 265 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,672 You see, when I was a kid, 266 00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:01,042 my mother found out that my father had been cheating on her 267 00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:04,640 and made him drive my sister and me to this other woman's apartment 268 00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:07,810 in order to humiliate him in front of us. 269 00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:10,480 I was too young to know what sex was, 270 00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:12,922 but I knew that it was a very bad thing 271 00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:16,290 and that it was responsible for my parents' divorce. 272 00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:19,558 I was only eight years old at the time, 273 00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:21,622 but I began to hate my father. 274 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,601 And I vowed to myself that I would never be like him. 275 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,370 (crying) 276 00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:43,351 You know, if you really need to see a prostitute, you can. 277 00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:47,358 I don't want to see a prostitute. I want to try to resist. 278 00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:49,121 But I think I need your help. 279 00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:51,389 What do you want me to do? 280 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,761 I just need to be able to talk to you. 281 00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:56,801 I think if I can talk to you about it, I'll be less tempted, 282 00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,632 and it'll be easier for me to resist. 283 00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,298 You can talk to me about it. 284 00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:03,000 I can? 285 00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:05,407 Of course. 286 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,001 Ohh. 287 00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,644 God, I feel so much better. 288 00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,879 Are you tempted to have intercourse with a prostitute 289 00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:21,153 or just to get a blow job? 290 00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,126 Oh, no. Just get a blow job. 291 00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:26,426 I would never want to have intercourse with one. That would gross me out. 292 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,989 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 293 00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:31,797 You're the only person I'd ever want to have intercourse with. 294 00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:33,303 You promise? 295 00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:36,068 Yeah, I promise. 296 00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:43,479 Is there anything I can do to make you less tempted? 297 00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:49,979 Maybe if you could give me blow jobs more often? 298 00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:51,682 I don't mind. 299 00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:54,817 I can even give you a blow job right now if you like. 300 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,189 Okay. 301 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,961 I felt guilty accepting her offer, 302 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,403 but I thought it might be a good idea. 303 00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:19,639 (moans) 304 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,516 I was still fantasizing that she was a prostitute, 305 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,318 but the fact that she knew and accepted this part of me 306 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:27,688 made it different than before. 307 00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:32,696 It made it something we were sharing, something that we were doing together. 308 00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:35,995 And I felt that I was seeing Caroline for the first time. 309 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,093 (moaning) 310 00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:42,605 After I came, I was still hard. 311 00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:45,768 This was something that had never happened to me before. 312 00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:48,779 It was as if my no longer having to repress my sexuality 313 00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:52,943 had suddenly unleashed a backlog of repressed sexual energy. 314 00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:55,418 So Caroline offered to give me another blow job. 315 00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:59,924 (moaning loudly) 316 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:03,519 To my astonishment, I was still hard. 317 00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:06,621 So Caroline offered to give me yet another blow job. 318 00:21:06,698 --> 00:21:10,099 (moaning loudly) 319 00:21:10,168 --> 00:21:13,797 Afterwards, I was still hard. 320 00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:18,400 I had never seen anything like it, and I actually started to get scared. 321 00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:23,676 I was afraid that my erection had become permanent and would never go away. 322 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:26,217 Caroline offered to give me yet another blow job, 323 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,776 but I had recently gotten a job as a film critic 324 00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,448 and I didn't want to be late to my first screening. 325 00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:39,392 On the way there my erection finally subsided. 326 00:21:47,539 --> 00:21:50,736 At that moment I was filled with boundless love for Caroline, 327 00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:53,277 and I felt closer to her than ever before. 328 00:21:56,682 --> 00:21:58,912 As part of our newfound intimacy, 329 00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:01,885 I started pointing out to Caroline the women I was attracted to. 330 00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:03,944 I like that one. 331 00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:06,456 That one? She's gross! 332 00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:08,584 Not to me. 333 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:12,027 - I like that one, too. - You're kidding, right? 334 00:22:12,097 --> 00:22:14,122 No, I'm serious. She's exactly my type. 335 00:22:14,199 --> 00:22:15,598 But she's so vulgar. 336 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,398 I know. That's what I like about her. It's true. 337 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:24,434 Did you see that woman? I would love to have sex with her. 338 00:22:29,915 --> 00:22:33,112 It was great to be able to be totally honest with Caroline, 339 00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,177 and I felt that I was finally having the kind of open and honest relationship 340 00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:38,484 that I'd always dreamed of. 341 00:22:39,124 --> 00:22:41,820 Whoa! Look at those lips. 342 00:22:41,893 --> 00:22:44,157 I would love a blow job from her. 343 00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:48,422 Did you see that? 344 00:22:51,002 --> 00:22:55,098 But after a while, Caroline couldn't take it anymore. 345 00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:15,116 - What's the matter? - What do you think? 346 00:23:15,193 --> 00:23:18,890 I'm sick and tired of you staring at other women all the time! 347 00:23:18,964 --> 00:23:21,091 - It's humiliating! - What do you want me to do? 348 00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,964 You want me to hide the fact that I'm attracted to somebody? 349 00:23:24,035 --> 00:23:29,098 How would you like it if you saw me drooling over every guy I was attracted to? Huh? 350 00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:32,109 Well, I'd probably feel a little jealous, but I'd try to transcend it. 351 00:23:33,378 --> 00:23:34,811 I would! 352 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,041 Didn't you say you wanted me to be totally honest? 353 00:23:37,115 --> 00:23:39,083 CAROLINE: Well, I've changed my mind! 354 00:23:43,622 --> 00:23:46,386 But my not being able to be totally honest with her 355 00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:48,688 made me feel alienated once again. 356 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,697 And I started obsessing about the various women I would see on the street. 357 00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:55,198 I remember this one time, 358 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:59,226 I saw a woman on the subway that I was particularly attracted to. 359 00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:05,232 I don't know what I was thinking. but I suddenly started following her. 360 00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:14,241 For some reason, I was dying to reach out and touch her butt. 361 00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:23,227 And I was trying to get up the courage to do this 362 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:26,264 when her boyfriend suddenly appeared. 363 00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:35,262 But I had been so turned on by her that all I wanted to do was masturbate. 364 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:41,279 The only place I could find was a confessional. 365 00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,446 There was something about masturbating in a confessional 366 00:24:49,521 --> 00:24:51,853 that appealed to my sense of transgression. 367 00:24:51,923 --> 00:24:57,884 And it wasn't long before I had masturbated in every cathedral in Paris. 368 00:24:58,697 --> 00:25:02,690 Meanwhile, Caroline and I had started fighting more and more, 369 00:25:02,767 --> 00:25:05,531 and I had started threatening to have sex with a prostitute 370 00:25:05,604 --> 00:25:07,697 in order to get her to stop fighting with me. 371 00:25:07,772 --> 00:25:09,967 I'm going to go have sex with a prostitute! 372 00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:14,068 Fine! Go get your dick sucked by a prostitute! See if I care! 373 00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:21,814 Pssh! 374 00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:25,880 And then one day I somehow managed to convince myself 375 00:25:25,957 --> 00:25:30,257 that I was hurting her more by constantly threatening to have sex with a prostitute 376 00:25:30,328 --> 00:25:31,989 than I would by just doing it 377 00:25:32,063 --> 00:25:34,395 and getting it out of my system once and for all. 378 00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:59,255 I wanted to reach out and touch her butt, 379 00:25:59,324 --> 00:26:01,884 but I felt shy. 380 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,121 I didn't know if that was allowed. 381 00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:52,538 (water running) 382 00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:00,448 (turns water off) 383 00:27:36,254 --> 00:27:38,245 (moaning) 384 00:28:04,482 --> 00:28:05,779 Uh... 385 00:28:18,296 --> 00:28:20,161 Um... 386 00:28:34,913 --> 00:28:36,574 (opens wrapper) 387 00:28:49,127 --> 00:28:50,651 I was certainly tempted, 388 00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:56,099 but I had every intention of resisting having intercourse until she said the words... 389 00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:04,068 For some reason, those words triggered a chemical reaction in my brain. 390 00:29:04,142 --> 00:29:06,576 And it was suddenly as if I had no choice. 391 00:29:14,652 --> 00:29:15,983 I'm not sure why... 392 00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:19,721 ... but the fact that her delivery was so unconvincing 393 00:29:19,791 --> 00:29:21,918 just turned me on even more. 394 00:29:21,993 --> 00:29:23,984 (moaning) 395 00:29:51,756 --> 00:29:53,485 There's something I have to tell you. 396 00:29:53,558 --> 00:29:57,221 I know. You had sex with a prostitute. 397 00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:02,956 How'd you know? 398 00:30:05,336 --> 00:30:06,826 I can tell. 399 00:30:08,006 --> 00:30:09,598 You're not mad at me? 400 00:30:10,775 --> 00:30:13,209 No, I'm not mad at you. 401 00:30:17,048 --> 00:30:19,380 I think it was the right thing to do 402 00:30:19,450 --> 00:30:21,975 because now I've finally gotten it out of my system. 403 00:30:26,224 --> 00:30:27,714 I love you. 404 00:30:28,359 --> 00:30:31,590 I know. Just please, go take a shower. 405 00:30:54,219 --> 00:30:57,655 So, tell me what happened. 406 00:31:01,059 --> 00:31:03,323 I told her the whole story. 407 00:31:03,394 --> 00:31:07,353 But when I got to the part about the intercourse, she got pretty upset. 408 00:31:07,432 --> 00:31:09,059 You had intercourse? 409 00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:11,691 Yeah. 410 00:31:11,769 --> 00:31:13,464 But I used a condom. 411 00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,768 You promised you weren't going to! 412 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:17,808 I know, I'm sorry. 413 00:31:19,344 --> 00:31:22,939 I tried not to, but I couldn't help myself. 414 00:31:26,017 --> 00:31:30,078 She said the words "rape me," and I just got really turned on after that. 415 00:31:31,155 --> 00:31:35,956 Now, I think I should explain that this was especially difficult for Caroline to hear 416 00:31:36,027 --> 00:31:38,894 because she herself had been raped. 417 00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:44,366 I had hoped that being completely honest would bring us closer together, 418 00:31:44,435 --> 00:31:46,869 but I had seriously miscalculated. 419 00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:55,878 I don't want to have sex tonight. 420 00:31:55,947 --> 00:31:58,347 I wasn't suggesting it. 421 00:31:58,416 --> 00:32:01,078 It's not to punish you, you know. 422 00:32:01,152 --> 00:32:02,141 I know. 423 00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:05,747 It's just, I need more time to get over it. 424 00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:08,257 I understand. Take all the time you need. 425 00:32:09,627 --> 00:32:10,787 Thanks. 426 00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:19,430 I was surprised at how little time it took for her to get over it. 427 00:32:19,504 --> 00:32:20,596 (moaning) 428 00:32:20,672 --> 00:32:22,537 It only took three days. 429 00:32:24,175 --> 00:32:28,612 After that, everything seemed pretty much back to normal. 430 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:32,844 Except for one thing... Caroline started having fainting spells. 431 00:32:34,752 --> 00:32:36,743 Caroline! Caroline! What's the matter? 432 00:32:36,821 --> 00:32:40,154 I don't know. I don't feel well. 433 00:32:40,224 --> 00:32:44,422 We went to see several doctors to try to figure out what was wrong with her, 434 00:32:44,495 --> 00:32:46,986 but none of them could ever find anything. 435 00:32:47,065 --> 00:32:48,692 She's perfectly fine. 436 00:32:53,338 --> 00:32:57,502 You know, it's been over two months since we've had sex. 437 00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:02,776 If you want me to suck you, I'll suck you. 438 00:33:02,847 --> 00:33:04,576 That's not why I'm saying it. 439 00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:07,311 I'm saying it because I think maybe you're mad at me. 440 00:33:08,386 --> 00:33:12,914 I'm not mad at you. I just haven't been feeling well. 441 00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:15,653 Okay. 442 00:33:21,532 --> 00:33:24,467 Are you sure you don't want me to give you oral sex? 443 00:33:24,535 --> 00:33:27,800 Caveh, I really don't feel well. 444 00:33:27,872 --> 00:33:29,066 Okay. 445 00:33:35,313 --> 00:33:37,713 This went on for a whole year, 446 00:33:37,782 --> 00:33:41,548 during which my desire to have sex with a prostitute gradually returned. 447 00:34:02,573 --> 00:34:04,734 I tried to escape my marital unhappiness 448 00:34:04,809 --> 00:34:06,709 by throwing myself into my work... 449 00:34:06,778 --> 00:34:07,938 Higher! 450 00:34:09,414 --> 00:34:10,642 I said higher! 451 00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:13,479 ... but I was unable to raise money for any of my film projects. 452 00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:14,711 Higher! 453 00:34:17,121 --> 00:34:20,522 What's the matter with you? Can't you jump higher than that? 454 00:34:25,830 --> 00:34:29,823 Out of desperation, I had applied to film school back in the States. 455 00:34:38,443 --> 00:34:40,911 Soon after we moved to Los Angeles, 456 00:34:40,978 --> 00:34:44,641 Caroline confessed to me that she had fallen in love with my friend Gary... 457 00:34:45,683 --> 00:34:48,208 ... and then she fell in love with my friend Keith... 458 00:34:49,220 --> 00:34:52,553 ... and then she fell in love with my friend Teddy. 459 00:34:52,623 --> 00:34:55,820 A week later she and Teddy moved in together, 460 00:34:55,893 --> 00:34:58,293 and a year later they were married. 461 00:34:59,630 --> 00:35:01,791 This is the real Caroline. 462 00:35:01,866 --> 00:35:05,097 I asked her to play herself in the movie, but she declined. 463 00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:09,238 I tried to stay in touch over the years, 464 00:35:09,307 --> 00:35:13,266 but after a while Caroline stopped returning my calls. 465 00:35:15,746 --> 00:35:19,580 I realize I haven't made it seem like I was in love with Caroline, 466 00:35:19,650 --> 00:35:22,585 but the truth is I really was, 467 00:35:22,653 --> 00:35:25,679 as much as I was capable of loving anyone. 468 00:35:25,756 --> 00:35:28,657 I mean, I was only 26 at the time. 469 00:35:32,730 --> 00:35:37,599 After the break-up, all I could think about was finding someone to have sex with. 470 00:35:51,616 --> 00:35:53,675 Hi, can I get in? 471 00:35:53,751 --> 00:35:55,048 How much? 472 00:35:55,119 --> 00:35:57,178 How much do you want to spend? 473 00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:00,317 Thirty? 474 00:36:00,391 --> 00:36:02,154 Okay. Can I get in? 475 00:36:02,226 --> 00:36:03,716 Okay. 476 00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:12,560 - Hi, my name's Candy. - Hi, I'm Bob. 477 00:36:12,637 --> 00:36:15,367 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too. 478 00:36:32,356 --> 00:36:36,224 - Where are we going? - Pull over right here. 479 00:36:51,576 --> 00:36:53,066 Can I have the money now? 480 00:36:53,144 --> 00:36:55,374 Oh, sure. 481 00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:58,910 Um... 482 00:36:58,983 --> 00:37:00,541 Do you have any change? 483 00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:03,746 No, but If you give me 40, I'll make it extra good. 484 00:37:04,322 --> 00:37:05,619 Um... 485 00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:08,487 Okay. 486 00:37:12,363 --> 00:37:13,728 Look out for cops, okay? 487 00:37:17,602 --> 00:37:19,160 (moaning) 488 00:37:31,582 --> 00:37:33,140 Bye. 489 00:37:43,828 --> 00:37:46,558 Afterwards, I felt euphoric. 490 00:37:48,499 --> 00:37:50,194 But by the time I got home, 491 00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:53,101 I felt empty and depressed. 492 00:37:53,904 --> 00:37:57,601 And I vowed never to have sex with a prostitute again. 493 00:38:00,244 --> 00:38:01,677 But then a few days later, 494 00:38:01,746 --> 00:38:05,648 I found myself unable to stop obsessing about that same prostitute. 495 00:38:22,533 --> 00:38:23,795 Wanna date? 496 00:38:23,868 --> 00:38:25,165 It was becoming a pattern. 497 00:38:25,236 --> 00:38:28,228 Every time I would have sex with a prostitute, 498 00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:31,275 I would feel empty and depressed afterwards, 499 00:38:31,342 --> 00:38:33,742 and I would vow never to do it again. 500 00:38:33,811 --> 00:38:37,770 And yet I honestly believed that if I just did it enough times, 501 00:38:37,848 --> 00:38:41,215 my desire to have sex with a prostitute would eventually go away. 502 00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,866 (moaning) 503 00:39:08,212 --> 00:39:10,077 And then I met Christa. 504 00:39:10,147 --> 00:39:12,775 I was walking down the hallway at film school 505 00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:15,182 when I saw her for the first time. 506 00:39:15,252 --> 00:39:16,913 Hi. 507 00:39:18,556 --> 00:39:22,151 It was unusual for a woman I had never met to say hi to me. 508 00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:26,690 Because she did, I assumed she wanted to have sex. 509 00:39:32,136 --> 00:39:35,128 And then a few days later, I saw her again. 510 00:39:43,881 --> 00:39:45,314 Excuse me. 511 00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:48,981 Do you know how to open these? 512 00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:50,645 I can't figure it out. 513 00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:52,849 I can try. 514 00:39:56,961 --> 00:39:58,121 Here you go. 515 00:39:58,195 --> 00:40:00,425 It just twists off, huh? 516 00:40:03,734 --> 00:40:05,167 You like Capra? 517 00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,999 I love Capra. 518 00:40:08,139 --> 00:40:10,937 - Hi, my name's Caveh. - Hi, I'm Christa. 519 00:40:11,008 --> 00:40:13,135 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 520 00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:19,042 So anyway, she invited me to a party she was giving that Friday night... 521 00:40:20,851 --> 00:40:23,319 ... and I went, hoping to have sex with her. 522 00:40:26,457 --> 00:40:28,687 - Is Christa here? - Yeah, come on in. 523 00:40:28,759 --> 00:40:30,989 (music playing) 524 00:40:35,766 --> 00:40:38,428 I failed to get her to have sex with me. 525 00:40:39,870 --> 00:40:42,464 But I did get her to lend me a copy of her screenplay. 526 00:40:43,507 --> 00:40:45,532 It was one of the best screenplays I'd ever read. 527 00:40:53,651 --> 00:40:56,916 And I felt that I had finally found someone that I could relate to. 528 00:40:58,489 --> 00:41:01,424 I called her immediately and asked her out. 529 00:41:12,269 --> 00:41:13,896 It was then that it happened, 530 00:41:15,005 --> 00:41:18,463 I looked into her eyes and I saw her soul. 531 00:41:20,077 --> 00:41:23,979 Until then, she had just been someone that I wanted something from. 532 00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:28,983 But at that moment I suddenly saw that she was a real human being, 533 00:41:29,053 --> 00:41:31,954 with needs and feelings of her own. 534 00:41:33,390 --> 00:41:34,880 It scared the shit out of me. 535 00:41:45,269 --> 00:41:50,502 And then one night we were watching Vivre Sa Vie by Jean-Luc Godard, 536 00:41:50,574 --> 00:41:53,338 about a woman who becomes a prostitute. 537 00:41:54,812 --> 00:41:56,746 You know what I heard? 538 00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:58,573 What? 539 00:41:58,649 --> 00:42:02,050 I heard that Godard has a prostitute fetish in real life. 540 00:42:02,119 --> 00:42:03,950 Can you believe that? 541 00:42:04,488 --> 00:42:05,921 Yeah. 542 00:42:07,758 --> 00:42:11,888 I can't. He seems so sensitive to women. 543 00:42:11,962 --> 00:42:13,452 Well, that doesn't mean anything. 544 00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:18,491 I mean, I'm sensitive to women, and I have a prostitute fetish. 545 00:42:20,271 --> 00:42:22,068 You're kidding, right? 546 00:42:22,139 --> 00:42:23,834 No, I'm serious. 547 00:42:25,609 --> 00:42:27,133 I can't believe that. 548 00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:29,839 Well, it's true. 549 00:42:29,914 --> 00:42:33,873 Caveh, how is that possible? I mean, how can you justify that to yourself? 550 00:42:33,951 --> 00:42:36,442 Well, I agree it's not super spiritual or anything, 551 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,455 but I don't think it's so terrible either. 552 00:42:39,523 --> 00:42:43,482 Caveh, it's like rape! Those women have no choice. 553 00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:46,394 Everybody has a choice. Or else nobody does. 554 00:42:46,463 --> 00:42:48,226 I can't believe you're saying this. 555 00:42:48,299 --> 00:42:50,028 Well, it's true. 556 00:42:52,369 --> 00:42:53,666 What are you doing? 557 00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:57,036 I'm sorry. I have to leave. I feel like I'm going to be sick. 558 00:42:57,107 --> 00:42:59,769 Why, because I've had sex with prostitutes? 559 00:42:59,843 --> 00:43:01,470 Caveh, you don't understand. 560 00:43:01,545 --> 00:43:05,379 I literally feel like I'm going to throw up. I have to go. 561 00:43:07,451 --> 00:43:08,884 Christa! 562 00:43:08,953 --> 00:43:10,215 (door slams) 563 00:43:16,327 --> 00:43:18,693 A few days later, I saw her again. 564 00:43:18,762 --> 00:43:20,252 Hi. 565 00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:21,591 Hi. 566 00:43:27,538 --> 00:43:29,938 - Still feeling nauseous? - No. 567 00:43:30,774 --> 00:43:32,867 Sure you don't mind being seen with me? 568 00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:34,638 Stop it. 569 00:43:34,712 --> 00:43:38,307 I'm sorry. I just felt like you thought I was disgusting. 570 00:43:38,382 --> 00:43:40,350 I don't think that. 571 00:43:41,518 --> 00:43:43,918 It's not like I'm still doing it. 572 00:43:43,988 --> 00:43:46,081 I know. I'm sorry. 573 00:43:46,824 --> 00:43:48,985 I don't want to have to hide anything from you. 574 00:43:49,059 --> 00:43:51,584 - Don't you want me to be honest? - I do. 575 00:43:53,163 --> 00:43:54,994 Caveh, let's make up. 576 00:44:04,875 --> 00:44:07,605 A few weeks later it was my birthday. 577 00:44:08,779 --> 00:44:12,180 And I convinced Christa to take Ecstasy with me to celebrate. 578 00:44:15,452 --> 00:44:18,080 - Okay. - Thank you. 579 00:44:20,958 --> 00:44:24,894 That night, we felt closer to each other than ever before. 580 00:44:24,962 --> 00:44:29,524 But Ecstasy isn't just a love drug. It's also a truth serum. 581 00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:31,500 I love you so much. 582 00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:33,126 I love you, too. 583 00:44:33,203 --> 00:44:35,171 - You do? - I do. 584 00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:41,106 I don't want there to be any secrets between us. 585 00:44:42,813 --> 00:44:44,303 Caveh, I don't. 586 00:44:46,483 --> 00:44:47,973 I don't either. 587 00:44:48,419 --> 00:44:51,081 - Can I ask you something? - Yeah. 588 00:44:51,155 --> 00:44:53,146 - You'll tell me the truth? - Yeah. 589 00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:58,628 There isn't anything that you've never told me before, is there? 590 00:44:59,930 --> 00:45:01,625 I can take it. 591 00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:04,167 - Yeah, there's one thing. - What? 592 00:45:04,234 --> 00:45:07,294 I've been wanting to tell you but I've been scared. 593 00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:11,273 - Caveh, you can tell me anything. - Okay. Okay. 594 00:45:12,810 --> 00:45:16,211 - Sometimes when we're having sex... - Yeah? 595 00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:18,510 ...I fantasize about other women. 596 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,154 Christa was devastated by my confession 597 00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:28,123 and became hyper-sensitive about other women. 598 00:45:30,194 --> 00:45:32,958 She would notice them even before I would 599 00:45:33,030 --> 00:45:37,091 and immediately scrutinize my face for any sign of interest. 600 00:45:37,167 --> 00:45:40,762 It was unnerving after a while. So I tried to be upfront about it. 601 00:45:40,838 --> 00:45:42,362 She's pretty sexy. 602 00:45:42,439 --> 00:45:45,101 She's more your type than I am, isn't she? 603 00:45:45,175 --> 00:45:46,938 What are you talking about? 604 00:45:52,583 --> 00:45:56,178 And then one day I was on my way to meet Christa for lunch 605 00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:58,619 when I decided to stop and get some gas. 606 00:46:06,497 --> 00:46:09,227 There was something about the way the woman was bending over 607 00:46:09,299 --> 00:46:10,994 that turned me on. 608 00:46:21,445 --> 00:46:23,436 - Hi. I'm really sorry I'm late. - Caveh, I've been waiting. 609 00:46:23,514 --> 00:46:26,347 I know, I'm sorry. I had a little masturbatory episode. 610 00:46:26,416 --> 00:46:27,644 What? 611 00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:31,379 I had to stop for gas, and... 612 00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:33,923 Did you just say "a little masturbatory episode"? 613 00:46:33,991 --> 00:46:35,583 Yeah. I had to stop for gas, 614 00:46:35,659 --> 00:46:39,095 and there was this woman who was kind of bending over to put gas in her car, 615 00:46:39,163 --> 00:46:41,427 and she was really sexy, 616 00:46:41,498 --> 00:46:46,595 and I just got really turned on at the way she was bending over, 617 00:46:46,670 --> 00:46:51,733 and I stopped at my apartment so I could, you know, masturbate. 618 00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:54,607 But it was really no big deal. I just thought I should tell you. 619 00:46:54,678 --> 00:46:55,838 I just... 620 00:47:02,886 --> 00:47:04,683 - I just don't want to talk about it. - What about truth? 621 00:47:04,755 --> 00:47:07,986 - I don't want you to tell me every single day. - Don't you want to know the truth? 622 00:47:08,058 --> 00:47:10,253 I already know these things are happening, Caveh. 623 00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:12,887 I know you. I know you. I understand you. 624 00:47:12,963 --> 00:47:15,454 And believe me, it will be much better with us. 625 00:47:15,532 --> 00:47:16,931 Don't tell me. 626 00:47:18,101 --> 00:47:20,934 - I don't want to know. - Okay, fine. 627 00:47:21,004 --> 00:47:22,494 Don't tell me. 628 00:47:24,474 --> 00:47:29,173 And then one night I happened to watch a news program on massage parlors. 629 00:47:29,246 --> 00:47:32,704 Vice investigators say they've recently found seven brothels 630 00:47:32,783 --> 00:47:34,808 masquerading as massage parlors. 631 00:47:34,885 --> 00:47:38,321 Police say these busts are just the tip of the iceberg 632 00:47:38,388 --> 00:47:42,654 and that many massage parlors are actually fronts for prostitution. 633 00:47:42,726 --> 00:47:46,093 This is Maya Ellington reporting for Channel 3 News. 634 00:47:59,643 --> 00:48:00,940 Want a massage? 635 00:48:01,011 --> 00:48:02,035 Um... 636 00:48:02,112 --> 00:48:04,239 Yeah. Um... 637 00:48:04,314 --> 00:48:06,111 How much? 638 00:48:06,183 --> 00:48:08,913 Forty dollars for half-hour. 639 00:48:08,986 --> 00:48:10,453 Um... 640 00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:12,579 Does that include everything? 641 00:48:12,656 --> 00:48:15,056 That includes a half-hour. 642 00:48:15,125 --> 00:48:16,615 Um... 643 00:48:16,693 --> 00:48:19,753 - Who gives the massages? - Different girls. 644 00:48:19,830 --> 00:48:22,390 - Are you one of them? - No. 645 00:48:22,466 --> 00:48:23,831 Um... 646 00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:25,698 Can I see what they look like? 647 00:48:25,769 --> 00:48:28,203 No. You have to pay first. 648 00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:33,035 Get out of here! Get out of here! 649 00:48:33,110 --> 00:48:34,600 - I'm sorry. - Get out of here! 650 00:48:34,678 --> 00:48:35,667 I'm sorry. 651 00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,714 You get out of here! 652 00:48:37,781 --> 00:48:39,305 Get out of here! 653 00:48:41,685 --> 00:48:44,586 I visited every massage parlor in L.A. 654 00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:49,859 At first, it turned me on 655 00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:53,522 just to grab the receptionists' breasts and get thrown out. 656 00:48:54,464 --> 00:48:58,332 But after a while, even this was no longer exciting enough. 657 00:49:00,637 --> 00:49:04,198 And then one day I had an idea. 658 00:49:12,649 --> 00:49:16,847 I think maybe the reason I haven't been able to get over my prostitute fetish 659 00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:20,151 is because I've never really gone all the way with one. 660 00:49:20,223 --> 00:49:21,588 What do you mean? 661 00:49:21,658 --> 00:49:24,092 Greg was my best friend at the time. 662 00:49:24,161 --> 00:49:29,258 We had met at UCLA and had made a few student films together. 663 00:49:29,333 --> 00:49:33,667 I mean, I've never really treated one the way I do in my fantasies. 664 00:49:33,737 --> 00:49:35,170 Which is how? 665 00:49:35,238 --> 00:49:37,206 Which is pretty violent. 666 00:49:37,274 --> 00:49:40,971 Like in my fantasies I'll grab whoever it is by the hair 667 00:49:41,044 --> 00:49:45,003 and I'll make her say things like "I wanna suck your dick" and stuff, 668 00:49:45,082 --> 00:49:47,983 and maybe call her a bitch or a slut, 669 00:49:48,051 --> 00:49:51,987 and then start fucking her really hard in the mouth and make her gag and stuff. 670 00:49:52,055 --> 00:49:53,317 Interesting. 671 00:49:53,390 --> 00:49:55,950 But in real life, I've never done that. 672 00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:57,857 Why not? 673 00:49:57,928 --> 00:50:00,863 Because I want them to like me. 674 00:50:00,931 --> 00:50:02,626 I see. 675 00:50:02,699 --> 00:50:06,829 So what I'm thinking is that maybe if I went to a prostitute one last time 676 00:50:06,903 --> 00:50:10,498 and just did everything I always fantasize about doing, 677 00:50:10,574 --> 00:50:15,443 then I think maybe I could get it out of my system once and for all. 678 00:50:15,512 --> 00:50:18,345 Will they let you do those things? 679 00:50:18,415 --> 00:50:19,609 Um... 680 00:50:19,683 --> 00:50:21,617 I assume. 681 00:50:23,086 --> 00:50:25,077 Sounds like it's worth a try. 682 00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:28,847 It is, right? 683 00:50:28,925 --> 00:50:31,325 Yeah, give it a try. 684 00:50:31,395 --> 00:50:34,455 But I couldn't do it behind Christa's back. 685 00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:37,728 I mean, I had to tell her, right? 686 00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:40,268 Are you serious? 687 00:50:40,337 --> 00:50:43,033 Christa, I can't keep repressing my lust. It's not healthy. 688 00:50:43,106 --> 00:50:45,097 What do you want me to do? Say okay? 689 00:50:45,175 --> 00:50:46,699 - Yeah. - Well, it's not okay. 690 00:50:46,777 --> 00:50:49,644 If you have sex with a prostitute, it's over between us! 691 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:52,910 Christa, please, try to understand. It's just something that I have to do. 692 00:50:52,983 --> 00:50:55,713 I can't believe you'd be willing to sacrifice our relationship 693 00:50:55,786 --> 00:50:58,346 just in order to fulfill some sick fantasy! 694 00:50:58,422 --> 00:51:00,413 I have no intention of sacrificing our relationship. 695 00:51:00,490 --> 00:51:02,481 I'd be doing this to strengthen our relationship. 696 00:51:05,595 --> 00:51:08,359 Christa, how is this constructive? 697 00:51:10,667 --> 00:51:14,000 The last thing I wanted was to lose Christa, 698 00:51:14,071 --> 00:51:16,801 so I decided to get professional help. 699 00:51:16,873 --> 00:51:22,277 CAVEH: My mother had like a phobia about changing my diapers. 700 00:51:22,345 --> 00:51:28,284 So she had like this aversion to, you know, diapers. 701 00:51:28,852 --> 00:51:31,616 Any recent dreams you can remember? 702 00:51:31,688 --> 00:51:33,622 Um... 703 00:51:33,690 --> 00:51:39,026 I had this dream where I was sitting on the toilet, 704 00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:42,224 and then I was getting smaller and smaller, 705 00:51:42,299 --> 00:51:44,062 and then I fell in. 706 00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,667 I need you, Mommy! 707 00:51:49,739 --> 00:51:52,230 - Louder. - I need you, Mommy! 708 00:51:52,309 --> 00:51:54,607 - Harder. - I need you, Mommy! 709 00:51:54,678 --> 00:51:56,578 - That's it. - I need you, Mommy! 710 00:51:56,746 --> 00:51:58,941 - That's it. - I need you, Mommy! 711 00:51:59,015 --> 00:52:02,178 - Louder! - I need you, Mommy! 712 00:52:02,252 --> 00:52:04,584 But none of it seemed to help. 713 00:52:05,922 --> 00:52:09,483 Finally, after weeks of struggling to resist, 714 00:52:09,559 --> 00:52:12,687 I decided to do what I had been struggling for weeks not to do, 715 00:52:12,762 --> 00:52:15,287 even if it meant losing Christa. 716 00:52:24,574 --> 00:52:25,905 Take off clothes. 717 00:52:26,977 --> 00:52:28,342 Suck me. 718 00:52:28,411 --> 00:52:30,402 You give me money? 719 00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:31,708 Oh, yeah. 720 00:52:32,616 --> 00:52:35,176 Um, twenty now, 721 00:52:35,252 --> 00:52:37,982 and twenty later if you do everything I say. 722 00:52:41,258 --> 00:52:43,158 No, standing up. 723 00:52:48,064 --> 00:52:49,725 Yeah. 724 00:52:49,799 --> 00:52:52,097 (moaning) 725 00:52:53,136 --> 00:52:54,933 Yeah. 726 00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:57,303 Oh, wait. First say, "I wanna suck your dick." 727 00:52:57,374 --> 00:53:01,174 No, wait. First say, "I wanna suck your dick." 728 00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:05,610 No understand very good English. 729 00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:12,182 Say, "I want to suck your dick." 730 00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:15,787 No understand. 731 00:53:17,294 --> 00:53:19,592 Say "I"... 732 00:53:19,663 --> 00:53:23,793 No, wait. Say "I"..."I"... 733 00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:27,496 Say "I." "I"..."I"... 734 00:53:27,571 --> 00:53:29,232 "I." Say "I." 735 00:53:29,406 --> 00:53:32,307 "I." Say "I." 736 00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:38,280 The fact that she had no idea what I was saying took a lot of the thrill out of it. 737 00:53:38,348 --> 00:53:41,511 Okay, fine, just suck it. 738 00:53:42,719 --> 00:53:45,051 (moaning) 739 00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:49,719 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 740 00:53:49,793 --> 00:53:53,786 Suck it. Yeah, suck it, you bitch. 741 00:53:53,863 --> 00:53:56,661 Yeah, suck it, slut. 742 00:53:56,733 --> 00:53:58,064 Yeah. 743 00:53:58,134 --> 00:54:00,125 (moaning) 744 00:54:01,304 --> 00:54:04,740 Oh, yeah, you love it, don't you? You little slut. 745 00:54:04,808 --> 00:54:06,799 (moaning) 746 00:54:08,778 --> 00:54:10,837 Hold on, hold on. 747 00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:11,938 Um... 748 00:54:12,015 --> 00:54:13,778 Stand over here. 749 00:54:13,850 --> 00:54:16,785 Get over here. Yeah. 750 00:54:20,690 --> 00:54:22,681 (moaning) 751 00:54:35,639 --> 00:54:39,700 Afterwards, the most amazing thing happened. 752 00:54:39,776 --> 00:54:42,939 She patted me affectionately on the butt and said... 753 00:54:43,013 --> 00:54:44,378 Come again. 754 00:54:49,686 --> 00:54:53,986 I had gone there to express that pat of myself which I was most ashamed of, 755 00:54:54,057 --> 00:54:58,551 and yet she had smiled at me afterwards with acceptance and compassion. 756 00:54:58,628 --> 00:55:01,961 I felt that I had just had a mystical experience 757 00:55:02,032 --> 00:55:04,694 and that something inside me had finally changed. 758 00:55:06,803 --> 00:55:09,033 That night I went over to Christa's 759 00:55:09,105 --> 00:55:11,869 to tell her that I was ready to be in a committed relationship. 760 00:55:12,409 --> 00:55:15,242 - What do you want? - I want to get back together. 761 00:55:16,780 --> 00:55:17,769 (lock bolts) 762 00:55:17,847 --> 00:55:20,714 Christa was understandably skeptical about my transformation... 763 00:55:25,789 --> 00:55:30,249 ... but I eventually managed to convince her that I was finally cured. 764 00:55:32,595 --> 00:55:34,927 Now at this point in the film, 765 00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:38,695 there's supposed to be a scene in which Christa is giving me a blow job. 766 00:55:38,768 --> 00:55:41,134 Not a real blow job, a fake blow job. 767 00:55:41,204 --> 00:55:45,641 But the actress playing Christa has refused to do the scene. 768 00:55:46,609 --> 00:55:51,774 Do you feel like it's domineering or something to women? 769 00:55:51,848 --> 00:55:57,718 No, it's just something that I'm not comfortable with doing on screen. 770 00:55:57,787 --> 00:55:59,379 Could you please do it anyway? 771 00:55:59,456 --> 00:56:00,616 No. 772 00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:04,217 So if you could just imagine that she's giving me a blow job, 773 00:56:04,294 --> 00:56:07,263 and if you could also imagine the following voice-over... 774 00:56:09,065 --> 00:56:12,262 And sex suddenly became very different. 775 00:56:12,335 --> 00:56:15,304 Instead of fantasizing that Christa was a stranger, 776 00:56:15,372 --> 00:56:19,399 I tried to just be present to what was happening. 777 00:56:19,476 --> 00:56:21,535 And it was overwhelming. 778 00:56:21,611 --> 00:56:24,444 I felt almost too loved. 779 00:56:24,514 --> 00:56:28,507 I couldn't believe that another human being could love me enough 780 00:56:28,585 --> 00:56:30,746 to actually want to take my penis, 781 00:56:30,820 --> 00:56:33,948 which I had always considered ugly and dirty, 782 00:56:34,023 --> 00:56:35,752 into her mouth, 783 00:56:35,825 --> 00:56:38,589 or would be willing to swallow my semen. 784 00:56:45,368 --> 00:56:46,995 - Hey, sweetie. - CHRISTA: Hi. 785 00:56:47,070 --> 00:56:50,528 I missed you. How's it going? 786 00:56:50,607 --> 00:56:52,131 All right. 787 00:56:52,208 --> 00:56:53,698 Why, what's the matter? 788 00:56:56,880 --> 00:56:59,974 There's something I have to tell you. 789 00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:01,910 What? 790 00:57:04,287 --> 00:57:07,814 Remember I told you I was going to see a movie with Robby tonight? 791 00:57:07,891 --> 00:57:09,222 Yeah. 792 00:57:11,961 --> 00:57:13,258 Well... 793 00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:16,892 Afterwards... 794 00:57:19,235 --> 00:57:22,762 I couldn't help myself, and we started making out. 795 00:57:23,306 --> 00:57:25,866 What do you mean you couldn't help yourself? 796 00:57:25,942 --> 00:57:29,241 I don't know. It just happened. I wasn't planning it or anything. 797 00:57:31,047 --> 00:57:33,072 What do you mean by "making out"? 798 00:57:34,184 --> 00:57:36,311 We just like kissed and stuff. 799 00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:39,711 What do you mean "and stuff"? 800 00:57:41,224 --> 00:57:43,749 We just fooled around a little. 801 00:57:46,529 --> 00:57:48,087 And then what happened? 802 00:57:49,566 --> 00:57:52,364 I'm supposed to see him tomorrow night for dinner. 803 00:57:52,435 --> 00:57:56,235 But I'm going to tell him I made a mistake and I can't keep seeing him in that way. 804 00:57:58,174 --> 00:58:00,540 Caveh, I'm sorry. 805 00:58:06,382 --> 00:58:11,410 I felt incredibly jealous, but I tried my best to transcend my feelings. 806 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:16,982 I can't do this. I feel like I'm kissing Robby. 807 00:58:17,060 --> 00:58:19,756 I feel I can taste his saliva in your mouth. 808 00:58:20,930 --> 00:58:24,093 Well, how do you think I feel when you have sex with a prostitute? 809 00:58:28,037 --> 00:58:29,664 I could see her point, 810 00:58:29,739 --> 00:58:33,140 and I knew that I had no right to be jealous after everything that I had put her through. 811 00:58:33,209 --> 00:58:35,734 But I just couldn't help myself. 812 00:58:37,313 --> 00:58:39,508 That night, I called Robby at 3:00 in the morning 813 00:58:39,582 --> 00:58:43,575 and I asked him as a personal favor to me to please stop making out with Christa. 814 00:58:43,653 --> 00:58:45,848 And he agreed. 815 00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:48,618 Thanks, Robby. I really appreciate it. 816 00:58:49,192 --> 00:58:52,821 But he lied. They made out again the next night. 817 00:58:52,896 --> 00:58:56,423 - You promised you wouldn't. - I know. I'm sorry. 818 00:58:56,499 --> 00:58:58,592 What were you thinking, Christa? 819 00:58:58,668 --> 00:59:01,398 I don't know. I just couldn't help myself. 820 00:59:03,006 --> 00:59:05,600 She was starting to sound like me. 821 00:59:05,675 --> 00:59:08,508 Christa continued to spend time with Robby, 822 00:59:08,578 --> 00:59:10,569 and I just got more and more jealous, 823 00:59:10,647 --> 00:59:12,444 more and more needy, 824 00:59:12,515 --> 00:59:14,540 and more and more insecure. 825 00:59:14,617 --> 00:59:15,743 (arguing) 826 00:59:15,818 --> 00:59:18,810 So we started going to couples therapy. 827 00:59:18,888 --> 00:59:22,153 So, Caveh, what are you thinking right now? 828 00:59:28,631 --> 00:59:31,600 I was thinking that I'm attracted to you. 829 00:59:35,939 --> 00:59:39,340 Meanwhile, our fighting started to escalate out of control. 830 00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:40,967 (yelling) 831 00:59:42,278 --> 00:59:47,375 And before I knew it, my desire to have sex with a prostitute had returned. 832 00:59:53,690 --> 00:59:55,885 - How much? - What do you want? 833 00:59:55,959 --> 00:59:59,122 - How much for a blow job? - 50 bucks. 834 00:59:59,195 --> 01:00:00,856 Let me think about it. 835 01:00:08,504 --> 01:00:12,736 After that night, I started cruising regularly, 836 01:00:12,809 --> 01:00:14,640 sometimes until dawn. 837 01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:19,081 And then I met Devin. 838 01:00:19,148 --> 01:00:21,116 Austin, Texas 839 01:00:21,184 --> 01:00:22,617 Fuck. 840 01:00:22,685 --> 01:00:25,381 I had been invited by the Austin Film Society 841 01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:27,855 to show a film that Greg and I had co-directed. 842 01:00:29,158 --> 01:00:31,126 Devin was one of the organizers. 843 01:00:31,194 --> 01:00:32,183 Hey. 844 01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:36,762 That night we ended up getting stoned together, 845 01:00:36,833 --> 01:00:39,859 and I found myself suddenly feeling very attracted to her. 846 01:00:42,105 --> 01:00:43,265 (coughs) 847 01:00:46,943 --> 01:00:51,403 And then on my last day in Austin, we decided to take mushrooms together. 848 01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:17,238 Tripping with Devin was one of the most mystical experiences of my life. 849 01:01:19,876 --> 01:01:22,276 I felt like we understood each other in a way 850 01:01:22,345 --> 01:01:24,472 that I had never thought possible between two people. 851 01:01:39,896 --> 01:01:44,560 After we came down, I told her the whole story of my relationship with Christa. 852 01:01:44,634 --> 01:01:47,501 You know, I bet she's probably fucking Robby right now. 853 01:01:47,570 --> 01:01:50,334 - Caveh, you're crazy. - Why am I crazy? 854 01:01:50,406 --> 01:01:54,467 Because you should be happy for her. You should hope she's having a good fuck. 855 01:01:55,311 --> 01:01:58,041 You know, you're right. I should. 856 01:01:58,114 --> 01:02:00,480 You know, I don't even believe in monogamy. 857 01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:03,348 Fuck, man, neither do I. 858 01:02:05,154 --> 01:02:07,679 It seemed to me that I had finally found the soul mate 859 01:02:07,757 --> 01:02:10,021 that I had been searching for all my life. 860 01:02:10,093 --> 01:02:12,186 Ow! What are you doing? 861 01:02:12,261 --> 01:02:14,991 You see, there's this person here, his name is Caveh. 862 01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:17,532 He's real. He exists. 863 01:02:18,468 --> 01:02:21,369 - You mean me? - Yeah, I mean you. 864 01:02:21,437 --> 01:02:26,568 Look, as noble as it is to try to sacrifice yourself and your needs for her, 865 01:02:26,642 --> 01:02:29,941 you have to be true to yourself because you're real, too. 866 01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:33,506 But the problem is I can't stand to hurt her. 867 01:02:34,083 --> 01:02:37,849 You're hurting her more by prolonging a relationship that isn't working 868 01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,047 than by ending it right now. 869 01:02:40,123 --> 01:02:42,956 Yeah, but I'm also scared. 870 01:02:43,025 --> 01:02:47,485 I'm afraid of being lonely and horny 871 01:02:47,563 --> 01:02:51,329 and desperate and always on the prowl. 872 01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:52,662 I hate that. 873 01:02:53,236 --> 01:02:56,535 Those don't sound like very good reasons for staying together. 874 01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:58,836 You're right. 875 01:03:00,042 --> 01:03:01,339 (sighs) 876 01:03:02,578 --> 01:03:04,603 I agreed with everything she said, 877 01:03:04,680 --> 01:03:07,877 but I wondered whether Devin would be able to accept my prostitute fetish 878 01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:09,747 any better than Christa. 879 01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:14,412 But Christa's really been trying. I mean, I'm fucked up, too. 880 01:03:14,490 --> 01:03:19,655 Like, for example, I have this prostitute fetish. 881 01:03:19,729 --> 01:03:24,530 Big fucking deal. Everybody's got stuff like that. 882 01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:26,568 When Devin said those words, 883 01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:31,699 it suddenly struck me that it wasn't my prostitute fetish that was the problem. 884 01:03:31,774 --> 01:03:33,935 It was Christa that was the problem. 885 01:03:48,491 --> 01:03:50,254 On the way back to L.A., 886 01:03:50,326 --> 01:03:53,261 I made up my mind to break up with Christa. 887 01:03:55,264 --> 01:03:58,290 We had been together for 3� years. 888 01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:01,868 This is the real Christa. 889 01:04:01,938 --> 01:04:05,874 For the first few years after our break-up we weren't on the best of terms. 890 01:04:06,676 --> 01:04:09,270 But now things are better between us. 891 01:04:09,345 --> 01:04:12,746 She's since gotten married and recently had a baby. 892 01:04:20,623 --> 01:04:23,922 After the break-up, I couldn't stop thinking about Devin. 893 01:04:25,895 --> 01:04:28,864 For the next month, I wrote to her every day. 894 01:04:30,600 --> 01:04:34,092 And when I received an invitation from two European film festivals, 895 01:04:34,170 --> 01:04:36,297 I invited Devin to come along. 896 01:04:39,375 --> 01:04:41,468 (moaning) 897 01:04:41,544 --> 01:04:44,741 Our first few days together were idyllic. 898 01:04:47,483 --> 01:04:49,815 But then things got more complicated. 899 01:04:58,227 --> 01:04:59,854 I think she likes you. 900 01:04:59,929 --> 01:05:02,523 - CAVEH: You think? - DEVIN: Definitely. 901 01:05:02,598 --> 01:05:06,159 I don't know. She's not really my type. Not slutty enough. 902 01:05:06,235 --> 01:05:07,634 Yeah, right. 903 01:05:13,809 --> 01:05:18,906 You know, if you want to see prostitutes while we're in Europe, feel free. 904 01:05:18,981 --> 01:05:21,848 You can just go, "Hey, Devin, catch you later," 905 01:05:21,918 --> 01:05:23,977 and go and do your thing. 906 01:05:26,222 --> 01:05:28,850 You know, I was thinking about what you said earlier, 907 01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:34,886 and I just wanted to say that I really do want to get over my prostitute fetish. 908 01:05:34,964 --> 01:05:36,488 You know, I do. 909 01:05:36,565 --> 01:05:38,931 But it did occur to me 910 01:05:39,001 --> 01:05:42,334 that maybe if I could get you to watch while I had sex with one, 911 01:05:42,405 --> 01:05:44,236 that might be really healing for me. 912 01:05:52,848 --> 01:05:56,477 Caveh, that would be so intense for me. 913 01:05:56,552 --> 01:05:57,849 Really? 914 01:05:59,188 --> 01:06:01,713 Yeah, it would 915 01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:05,887 It's just that like a lot of it has to do with shame, 916 01:06:05,962 --> 01:06:09,227 and I think that if you were watching, 917 01:06:09,298 --> 01:06:12,096 then it would be something that we were doing together. 918 01:06:12,168 --> 01:06:17,162 And then I think that might help me to not feel so much shame about it, 919 01:06:17,239 --> 01:06:22,370 and then hopefully like I wouldn't feel the need to do it as much. 920 01:06:22,445 --> 01:06:24,572 The next day we rented a car 921 01:06:24,647 --> 01:06:28,014 and drove to Milan to see Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper. 922 01:06:30,086 --> 01:06:31,383 Hey, a prostitute! 923 01:06:33,189 --> 01:06:35,384 Do you want to stop and check her out? 924 01:06:35,458 --> 01:06:37,289 I don't know. 925 01:06:40,062 --> 01:06:42,030 Well, if you don't mind. 926 01:06:42,098 --> 01:06:44,293 Nah, go for it. 927 01:07:10,326 --> 01:07:12,294 So what do you think? 928 01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:13,953 Do you wanna watch? 929 01:07:14,563 --> 01:07:18,021 If it's really important to you, I will. 930 01:07:19,368 --> 01:07:21,131 Thanks, Devin. 931 01:07:21,203 --> 01:07:23,000 I really appreciate it. 932 01:07:37,319 --> 01:07:39,378 She doesn't want you to watch. 933 01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:41,480 So what do you want to do? 934 01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:44,656 I don't know. 935 01:07:48,664 --> 01:07:50,131 Let's just go. 936 01:07:50,199 --> 01:07:51,393 Okay. 937 01:08:11,654 --> 01:08:15,317 On our last day in Italy, I saw the girl from the boardwalk again. 938 01:08:23,966 --> 01:08:28,335 Her name was Paola, and it turned out that she was an aspiring actress. 939 01:08:29,338 --> 01:08:32,739 She had seen my movie and liked it. 940 01:08:36,912 --> 01:08:38,038 DEVIN: Hey. 941 01:08:38,214 --> 01:08:40,114 Hey. 942 01:08:40,182 --> 01:08:43,310 - How'd it go? - Great. She gave me her shoes. 943 01:08:43,385 --> 01:08:44,545 No way. Cool. 944 01:08:44,620 --> 01:08:46,588 Yeah, she saw my movie. We kissed. 945 01:08:46,655 --> 01:08:48,919 You kissed? Lucky you. 946 01:08:48,991 --> 01:08:51,391 It was an okay kiss. Not like yours. 947 01:08:51,460 --> 01:08:52,825 Ohh. 948 01:08:53,729 --> 01:08:56,425 Mm. Did you even notice how I kept on riding 949 01:08:56,499 --> 01:08:58,490 when you decided to go and check her out? 950 01:08:58,567 --> 01:09:00,034 No, I guess I didn't. 951 01:09:00,102 --> 01:09:02,070 Yeah. I just wanted to point it out 952 01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:04,129 'cause I don't think most girlfriends would have done that, 953 01:09:04,206 --> 01:09:06,367 just take off and let you do your thing. 954 01:09:06,442 --> 01:09:08,535 Yeah, I guess you're right. 955 01:09:08,611 --> 01:09:13,310 I'd just like a little appreciation, 'cause most girlfriends wouldn't stand for it, 956 01:09:13,382 --> 01:09:15,373 let alone make it easier for you. 957 01:09:15,451 --> 01:09:16,941 Yeah, that's true. Thanks, Devin. 958 01:09:17,019 --> 01:09:19,817 - Yeah, right. - No, I really appreciate it. 959 01:09:19,889 --> 01:09:21,516 Yeah. 960 01:09:21,590 --> 01:09:23,820 - But just do me one favor, okay? - What? 961 01:09:23,893 --> 01:09:25,292 - Just one. - Okay. 962 01:09:25,361 --> 01:09:27,921 Just don't fuck her in our bed, okay? 963 01:09:29,532 --> 01:09:30,624 Okay. 964 01:09:31,700 --> 01:09:33,930 I was surprised that she would care, 965 01:09:34,003 --> 01:09:37,268 but I chose to be touched rather than alarmed. 966 01:09:39,909 --> 01:09:43,572 Paola had invited me to have a drink with her and her friends that night. 967 01:09:44,613 --> 01:09:47,081 I had asked Devin if she wanted to come along, 968 01:09:47,149 --> 01:09:49,413 secretly hoping she would decline. 969 01:09:50,619 --> 01:09:52,348 But she didn't decline. 970 01:09:53,622 --> 01:09:56,022 I couldn't decide where to sit, 971 01:09:56,091 --> 01:10:00,551 I wanted to sit next to Paola, but I felt I should sit next to Devin. 972 01:10:02,097 --> 01:10:04,895 I decided to compromise by sitting next to neither, 973 01:10:04,967 --> 01:10:07,367 thereby remaining equidistant from both, 974 01:10:07,436 --> 01:10:10,599 like Christ in da Vinci's The Last Supper. 975 01:10:23,419 --> 01:10:26,582 I'm going to head back to the hotel. I'll see you later. 976 01:10:26,655 --> 01:10:28,418 Don't you want to go swimming? 977 01:10:28,490 --> 01:10:32,017 No. Why don't you go with your Italian friend? 978 01:10:33,028 --> 01:10:35,519 I'd rather go with you. 979 01:10:35,598 --> 01:10:38,761 Nah, go with her. See ya. 980 01:10:56,051 --> 01:10:57,746 Are you sure you don't want to swim naked? 981 01:10:57,820 --> 01:10:59,515 Yes, I'm sure. 982 01:11:00,256 --> 01:11:01,848 No, it'll be fun. 983 01:11:01,924 --> 01:11:04,051 - No. - Really. 984 01:11:10,733 --> 01:11:12,462 Are you sure you don't want to sleep together? 985 01:11:12,534 --> 01:11:16,061 Yes, I'm sure. But maybe when you come to Torino. 986 01:11:16,138 --> 01:11:17,765 Great, I'll probably be old by then. 987 01:11:17,840 --> 01:11:19,671 I'll write to you. 988 01:11:19,742 --> 01:11:20,868 (sighs) 989 01:11:20,943 --> 01:11:22,570 Okay. 990 01:11:22,645 --> 01:11:26,911 And if ever you need someone to act in one of your movies, 991 01:11:26,982 --> 01:11:28,609 just give me a call. 992 01:11:28,684 --> 01:11:31,016 That was the line that made me hate myself. 993 01:11:31,086 --> 01:11:32,383 Okay. 994 01:11:32,454 --> 01:11:35,355 I felt like a sleazy Hollywood film director. 995 01:11:40,763 --> 01:11:45,257 On the way home, I had a nightmarish vision of my future. 996 01:11:45,334 --> 01:11:50,271 I saw myself 20 years later, aging and still alone. 997 01:11:53,108 --> 01:11:57,943 By the time I got back to the hotel, I was feeling empty and depressed. 998 01:11:59,081 --> 01:12:03,609 All I wanted was to get into bed and snuggle up next to Devin. 999 01:12:15,264 --> 01:12:16,663 Devin! 1000 01:12:19,902 --> 01:12:21,631 Devin! 1001 01:12:33,115 --> 01:12:35,948 - So did you fuck her? - No, I didn't. 1002 01:12:36,018 --> 01:12:38,248 Why not? She wanted you. 1003 01:12:38,320 --> 01:12:40,254 Not enough, apparently. 1004 01:12:41,290 --> 01:12:43,952 Well, I almost fucked somebody. 1005 01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:45,857 Who? 1006 01:12:45,928 --> 01:12:48,055 Some dude that I met in a bar. 1007 01:12:48,130 --> 01:12:49,995 Here. 1008 01:12:50,065 --> 01:12:51,396 Sorry. 1009 01:12:52,835 --> 01:12:54,962 I felt jealous and insecure, 1010 01:12:55,037 --> 01:12:57,471 but I wanted to believe that Devin and I were engaged 1011 01:12:57,539 --> 01:13:00,736 in a high-minded experiment in self-transcendence. 1012 01:13:03,345 --> 01:13:06,109 The next day we flew to Munich. 1013 01:13:06,181 --> 01:13:08,172 (groaning) 1014 01:13:08,250 --> 01:13:10,844 Fuck, I've got such a fucking hangover. 1015 01:13:11,920 --> 01:13:15,617 Excuse me, miss, can I have a scotch, please? 1016 01:13:15,691 --> 01:13:17,454 - STEWARDESS: One scotch? - Yeah. 1017 01:13:19,862 --> 01:13:23,855 - I thought you had a hangover. - I do. That's why I need a drink. 1018 01:13:24,566 --> 01:13:26,158 Is that a good idea? 1019 01:13:26,235 --> 01:13:28,965 It's the only way. 1020 01:13:30,806 --> 01:13:33,639 It's true. I know what I'm doing. 1021 01:13:35,611 --> 01:13:36,805 Okay. 1022 01:13:38,180 --> 01:13:41,115 But this is my last drink. I promise. 1023 01:13:49,324 --> 01:13:50,791 You promised you weren't going to drink anymore. 1024 01:13:50,859 --> 01:13:54,852 Well, the guy kept buying me beers. I couldn't really turn him down. 1025 01:13:54,930 --> 01:13:57,865 - Why not? - Free beers, man. 1026 01:13:57,933 --> 01:14:02,370 It was starting to dawn on me that Devin had a drinking problem. 1027 01:14:02,438 --> 01:14:03,928 Now, I should probably explain 1028 01:14:04,006 --> 01:14:08,102 that the actress playing Devin had a drinking problem in real life. 1029 01:14:14,850 --> 01:14:16,909 (humming) 1030 01:14:19,488 --> 01:14:20,477 (laughs) 1031 01:14:20,556 --> 01:14:23,320 The cause of and answer to all of life's problems. 1032 01:14:23,392 --> 01:14:25,622 But getting back to the story... 1033 01:14:25,694 --> 01:14:27,662 (TV playing) 1034 01:14:27,729 --> 01:14:30,596 Devin, stop it. You said that was going to be your last one. 1035 01:14:31,533 --> 01:14:34,764 Why don't you go fuck a prostitute and leave me alone? 1036 01:14:35,904 --> 01:14:40,341 Devin, what are you talking about? You said you were going to stop drinking! 1037 01:14:41,076 --> 01:14:42,941 I guess I changed my mind. 1038 01:14:44,279 --> 01:14:47,043 Devin, I think you've had enough. 1039 01:14:47,950 --> 01:14:50,612 Well, that's funny, Caveh, because I don't think I have. 1040 01:14:55,891 --> 01:14:57,381 Fuck! 1041 01:14:57,459 --> 01:15:00,019 You fucking prick! That shit's expensive! 1042 01:15:07,903 --> 01:15:09,894 I was starting to miss Christa. 1043 01:15:14,042 --> 01:15:17,637 That night, I spoke to every prostitute in Munich. 1044 01:15:17,713 --> 01:15:18,702 Um... 1045 01:15:22,251 --> 01:15:23,445 Blasen? 1046 01:15:23,519 --> 01:15:26,454 - Blasen? - Blasen. Ja. Blasen. 1047 01:15:31,793 --> 01:15:36,253 After conversing with the street prostitutes, I made the rounds of the brothels. 1048 01:15:59,421 --> 01:16:02,948 There was one prostitute I found especially tempting. 1049 01:16:10,732 --> 01:16:13,200 I was dying to have sex with her, 1050 01:16:13,268 --> 01:16:15,634 but I managed to resist. 1051 01:16:16,972 --> 01:16:18,906 And I returned to the hotel 1052 01:16:18,974 --> 01:16:23,104 excited to tell Devin that I had successfully resisted. 1053 01:16:27,950 --> 01:16:31,351 The next day the film festival organizers 1054 01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:35,356 insisted that we pay a $300 fine for damages to the room 1055 01:16:35,424 --> 01:16:38,291 and that we leave town immediately after my screening. 1056 01:16:41,496 --> 01:16:47,435 I am not having another drink for a long time, I can tell you that. 1057 01:16:49,705 --> 01:16:51,195 Well, good. I'm glad. 1058 01:16:56,278 --> 01:16:59,714 Devin had a bad hangover and slept all afternoon. 1059 01:17:00,849 --> 01:17:04,649 It was our last day in Munich, so I decided to go sightseeing. 1060 01:17:04,720 --> 01:17:06,813 (music playing) 1061 01:17:17,666 --> 01:17:19,190 Cheers. 1062 01:17:20,469 --> 01:17:22,334 Fuck you, Devin. 1063 01:17:32,481 --> 01:17:34,449 Where are you going? 1064 01:17:35,117 --> 01:17:36,982 I'm gonna get a blow job. 1065 01:17:37,052 --> 01:17:39,543 Okay, I'll come with you. 1066 01:17:41,423 --> 01:17:42,981 I don't want you to. 1067 01:17:43,058 --> 01:17:45,686 Why not? I thought you wanted me to watch. 1068 01:17:45,761 --> 01:17:49,788 Didn't you say you wanted your girlfriends to watch so you could feel "accepted"? 1069 01:17:49,865 --> 01:17:52,060 Well, I'm mad at you right now. 1070 01:17:52,134 --> 01:17:55,592 Well, hey, pal, it's your big chance. 1071 01:18:32,507 --> 01:18:34,941 - Do you speak English? - Yes. 1072 01:18:35,610 --> 01:18:36,599 Um, hi. 1073 01:18:36,678 --> 01:18:39,238 Um, I'm looking for a woman who was here last night. 1074 01:18:39,314 --> 01:18:41,077 She had black hair. Is she here? 1075 01:18:41,149 --> 01:18:45,848 She's going to be busy for another hour. Maybe I can help you. 1076 01:18:45,921 --> 01:18:47,548 Um... 1077 01:18:47,622 --> 01:18:49,590 I was really hoping to see her. 1078 01:18:49,658 --> 01:18:51,091 I am very good. 1079 01:18:51,159 --> 01:18:55,459 I'm sure that's true, but I need to think about it. 1080 01:18:55,530 --> 01:18:56,827 Okay. 1081 01:19:00,969 --> 01:19:03,267 I don't see the one I came for. 1082 01:19:03,338 --> 01:19:06,865 So why don't you get your dick sucked by one of these? 1083 01:19:07,876 --> 01:19:10,572 Because I liked the other one better. 1084 01:19:10,645 --> 01:19:12,704 - Well, if she's not here... - She is here. 1085 01:19:12,781 --> 01:19:15,978 She says she's with a customer. She'll be done in an hour. 1086 01:19:16,051 --> 01:19:19,987 An hour? We're going to wait an hour? 1087 01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,891 I need another drink. 1088 01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:28,487 Devin, we can't afford another drink. 1089 01:19:28,563 --> 01:19:31,031 What do you mean we can't afford another drink? 1090 01:19:31,099 --> 01:19:34,591 You bring your girlfriend to a brothel and you won't even buy her a drink? 1091 01:19:34,669 --> 01:19:38,002 Devin, we only have 200 marks left. It's just enough for me to get a blow job. 1092 01:19:38,073 --> 01:19:40,064 It's not enough for a drink and a blow job. 1093 01:19:40,142 --> 01:19:42,633 Man, fuck you, Caveh. I want a drink. 1094 01:19:42,711 --> 01:19:45,145 Devin, you haven't even finished what's in your glass. 1095 01:19:48,683 --> 01:19:50,275 There, it's finished. 1096 01:20:00,629 --> 01:20:01,789 Here. 1097 01:20:02,931 --> 01:20:04,523 Thank you. 1098 01:20:04,599 --> 01:20:08,592 Excuse me. The woman you wanted is available now. 1099 01:20:08,670 --> 01:20:10,001 Follow me. 1100 01:20:18,346 --> 01:20:22,510 I'm sorry, I was looking for a different woman with black hair. 1101 01:20:22,584 --> 01:20:26,315 - She was here last night. - She's not here tonight. 1102 01:20:30,325 --> 01:20:33,294 - That wasn't her. - What do you mean? 1103 01:20:33,361 --> 01:20:35,261 The one I wanted isn't here tonight. 1104 01:20:35,330 --> 01:20:38,322 We waited a fucking hour and she's not here? 1105 01:20:39,835 --> 01:20:41,063 Yeah. 1106 01:20:42,237 --> 01:20:44,671 So what do you want to do? Do you want to go? 1107 01:20:47,142 --> 01:20:48,769 I'm not sure. 1108 01:20:49,644 --> 01:20:51,134 I can't decide. 1109 01:20:51,913 --> 01:20:54,313 Well, why don't you fuck one of those? 1110 01:20:55,183 --> 01:20:57,413 I don't know. I really wanted that one. 1111 01:20:57,485 --> 01:21:00,283 You know, I'm not that attracted to any of the other ones. 1112 01:21:00,956 --> 01:21:04,255 We came all the way here. You might as well do it. 1113 01:21:09,865 --> 01:21:12,959 So, you want to go upstairs with me? 1114 01:21:13,034 --> 01:21:16,128 Um, maybe. I'm not sure. 1115 01:21:16,204 --> 01:21:18,866 I can give you very much pleasure. 1116 01:21:18,940 --> 01:21:21,067 I'm sure that's true. 1117 01:21:25,814 --> 01:21:27,839 So, are you ready? 1118 01:21:27,916 --> 01:21:30,908 Um, I don't know. I can't decide. 1119 01:21:30,986 --> 01:21:32,783 Maybe I can help you decide. 1120 01:21:32,854 --> 01:21:34,014 Um... 1121 01:21:34,089 --> 01:21:37,320 - What do you think? - Well, it's certainly very tempting. 1122 01:21:39,628 --> 01:21:40,856 Where are you going? 1123 01:21:40,929 --> 01:21:44,057 Don't worry about her. She'll be fine. 1124 01:21:44,132 --> 01:21:47,590 - Where are they going? - She won't hurt her. 1125 01:21:48,603 --> 01:21:51,436 Um, I'm sorry. I have to go. 1126 01:22:07,822 --> 01:22:10,620 Fuck you, Caveh! Fuck you! Fuck you! 1127 01:22:10,692 --> 01:22:13,217 - Devin, calm down. - Fuck you! 1128 01:22:13,295 --> 01:22:14,523 What did she say to you? 1129 01:22:14,596 --> 01:22:17,793 She was actually concerned about me, unlike you! 1130 01:22:17,866 --> 01:22:20,596 She said, "Come with me, and I'll take care of you 1131 01:22:20,669 --> 01:22:22,660 and I'll make you feel better." 1132 01:22:23,838 --> 01:22:25,567 Did she mean sexually? 1133 01:22:25,640 --> 01:22:29,098 It's all you can think about, isn't it? 1134 01:22:29,177 --> 01:22:30,804 Well, is that what she meant? 1135 01:22:30,879 --> 01:22:32,437 I'm getting out! 1136 01:22:32,514 --> 01:22:35,278 Devin, no, wait! Stop it! Close it! 1137 01:22:44,292 --> 01:22:49,093 When we got back to the hotel, Devin insisted on giving me a blow job. 1138 01:22:49,164 --> 01:22:53,601 I told her I didn't want one, but she held me down and forced me. 1139 01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:58,364 I was scared the whole time that she was going to bite my penis off. 1140 01:22:58,440 --> 01:23:00,465 (moaning) 1141 01:23:02,110 --> 01:23:05,011 The next morning we flew to New York. 1142 01:23:16,491 --> 01:23:17,685 How much? 1143 01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:39,105 Let me pull it out for you. 1144 01:23:41,282 --> 01:23:42,874 Get down on your knees. 1145 01:23:42,951 --> 01:23:45,977 I'm not getting down on my fucking knees. There's broken glass. 1146 01:23:46,054 --> 01:23:47,715 Oh. Sorry. 1147 01:24:04,806 --> 01:24:08,503 The next day we went our separate ways. 1148 01:24:10,245 --> 01:24:14,011 I wanted to say "I love you," but I couldn't. 1149 01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:20,352 But as I headed towards the gate, I felt able to say it and wanted to. 1150 01:24:21,956 --> 01:24:23,890 But it was too late. 1151 01:24:27,462 --> 01:24:29,521 This is the real Devin. 1152 01:24:29,597 --> 01:24:32,122 We remained friends over the years, 1153 01:24:32,200 --> 01:24:37,035 and she later appeared in a film I made called I Don't Hate Las Vegas Anymore. 1154 01:24:37,105 --> 01:24:40,563 By then she had already been diagnosed with cancer 1155 01:24:40,642 --> 01:24:44,442 and had just undergone chemotherapy. 1156 01:24:45,447 --> 01:24:47,642 She died three years later. 1157 01:24:57,158 --> 01:25:01,390 On the way home, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. 1158 01:25:02,530 --> 01:25:04,293 Ever since I had met Devin, 1159 01:25:04,365 --> 01:25:06,856 I had believed that I had finally found the one person 1160 01:25:06,935 --> 01:25:08,869 who could accept me the way I was. 1161 01:25:11,406 --> 01:25:14,807 But now I realized that I had been wrong. 1162 01:25:16,845 --> 01:25:21,179 I had once read somewhere that everyone who comes into our lives 1163 01:25:21,249 --> 01:25:25,117 is a mirror for something inside us that we're not seeing. 1164 01:25:25,186 --> 01:25:26,983 So I asked myself 1165 01:25:27,055 --> 01:25:31,958 how Devin might be a mirror for something inside me that I wasn't seeing. 1166 01:25:32,494 --> 01:25:35,224 At first I couldn't see it. 1167 01:25:35,296 --> 01:25:39,426 Devin was an alcoholic, I wasn't an alcoholic. 1168 01:25:40,335 --> 01:25:44,704 But then it suddenly occurred to me that even though I wasn't an alcoholic, 1169 01:25:44,772 --> 01:25:48,731 I was kind of like an alcoholic about sex. 1170 01:25:56,751 --> 01:25:58,275 - Caveh? - Yeah, hi. 1171 01:25:58,353 --> 01:25:59,718 Hi. 1172 01:25:59,787 --> 01:26:03,018 Back in L.A. I went to see a therapist 1173 01:26:03,091 --> 01:26:06,583 who suggested I attend a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. 1174 01:26:47,101 --> 01:26:51,697 I scanned the faces of the other men in the room for signs of perversion, 1175 01:26:51,773 --> 01:26:53,866 but they looked just like anybody else. 1176 01:26:57,645 --> 01:26:59,840 Good evening, my name is Ken. 1177 01:26:59,914 --> 01:27:02,144 I'm a recovering sex addict. 1178 01:27:02,217 --> 01:27:03,878 ALL: Hi, Ken. 1179 01:27:03,952 --> 01:27:08,719 Welcome to the Monday night male-only meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous. 1180 01:27:08,790 --> 01:27:10,758 This is a closed meeting. 1181 01:27:10,825 --> 01:27:14,488 Only those desiring their own sexual abstinence, please. 1182 01:27:14,562 --> 01:27:16,393 In S.A.A., we define abstinence 1183 01:27:16,464 --> 01:27:19,922 not as the complete elimination of all sexuality from the addict's life, 1184 01:27:20,001 --> 01:27:22,868 but only of those compulsive sexual behaviors 1185 01:27:22,937 --> 01:27:26,703 that lead to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. 1186 01:27:26,774 --> 01:27:28,332 We leave it up to the individual to decide 1187 01:27:28,409 --> 01:27:31,469 which compulsive behaviors he wishes to abstain from. 1188 01:27:31,546 --> 01:27:33,343 I said that I'm a sex addict. 1189 01:27:33,414 --> 01:27:36,144 Are there any other sex addicts present? 1190 01:27:40,054 --> 01:27:43,046 Hi, everybody. My name's Sasha and I'm a sex addict. 1191 01:27:43,124 --> 01:27:44,386 ALL: Hi, Sasha. 1192 01:27:44,459 --> 01:27:48,395 Last week I finally took all my porn and I just put it in a garbage bag 1193 01:27:48,463 --> 01:27:52,058 and I just hauled it out 'cause I was just so sick of it. 1194 01:27:52,133 --> 01:27:54,727 And I think of all the hundreds and thousands of hours 1195 01:27:54,802 --> 01:27:58,329 I'm wasting in my car cruising... 1196 01:27:58,406 --> 01:27:59,964 ...staying in sex clubs all night 1197 01:28:00,041 --> 01:28:03,442 when there's absolutely nobody that I want to have sex with at all. 1198 01:28:03,511 --> 01:28:08,244 And it really started to affect my work, my marriage... 1199 01:28:08,316 --> 01:28:10,045 Everyone had a different addiction. 1200 01:28:10,118 --> 01:28:12,882 Ken was into gay bath houses. 1201 01:28:12,954 --> 01:28:16,321 Ron was a compulsive masturbator. 1202 01:28:16,391 --> 01:28:19,258 And Tom was a voyeur. 1203 01:28:19,327 --> 01:28:21,955 But their stories all had one thing in common... 1204 01:28:22,030 --> 01:28:24,760 that the more they had indulged their addictions, 1205 01:28:24,832 --> 01:28:27,528 the stronger their addictions had become. 1206 01:28:27,602 --> 01:28:30,730 I'm in my hallway and I'm bleeding, 1207 01:28:30,805 --> 01:28:34,901 and I just realized that that's it, I'm at fucking rock bottom. 1208 01:28:34,976 --> 01:28:40,380 And I really need some support tonight, 'cause it's been a really hard week. 1209 01:28:40,948 --> 01:28:44,145 (clapping) 1210 01:28:45,653 --> 01:28:49,350 It's 9:15. This is the time we usually set aside for newcomers. 1211 01:28:49,424 --> 01:28:52,291 Would any of the newcomers like to share? 1212 01:28:56,864 --> 01:28:58,229 Yes. 1213 01:29:07,642 --> 01:29:11,578 As you can see, I'm not very good at crying on camera. 1214 01:29:11,646 --> 01:29:14,342 But I did actually break down and cry 1215 01:29:14,415 --> 01:29:17,179 at that first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting that I went to, 1216 01:29:17,251 --> 01:29:20,448 and I actually happened to tape record the meeting. 1217 01:29:20,521 --> 01:29:24,981 And this is actually the tape that I made at that first meeting. 1218 01:29:25,960 --> 01:29:28,929 This was in 1991. 1219 01:29:28,996 --> 01:29:31,294 And I'm just going to play it for you 1220 01:29:31,366 --> 01:29:35,268 so you can hear what it sounded like. 1221 01:29:37,071 --> 01:29:40,234 CAVEH: I feel really moved by what everybody is saying. 1222 01:29:40,308 --> 01:29:42,367 - MAN: What's your name? - My name's Robert. 1223 01:29:42,443 --> 01:29:44,809 ALL: Hi, Robert. 1224 01:29:44,879 --> 01:29:46,813 I didn't use my real name. 1225 01:29:48,449 --> 01:29:49,438 (blows nose) 1226 01:29:49,517 --> 01:29:50,711 I'm blowing my nose. 1227 01:29:50,785 --> 01:29:52,650 I used to be married and... 1228 01:29:57,158 --> 01:29:58,682 It's hard to talk. 1229 01:30:01,796 --> 01:30:04,424 I started seeing prostitutes and... 1230 01:30:05,900 --> 01:30:08,232 ... it destroyed my marriage and... 1231 01:30:10,638 --> 01:30:12,105 Then I got... 1232 01:30:13,941 --> 01:30:16,205 ... involved with somebody else and... 1233 01:30:17,979 --> 01:30:20,209 ... that just ended recently... 1234 01:30:20,281 --> 01:30:21,680 (crying) 1235 01:30:21,749 --> 01:30:23,376 ... for the same reason. 1236 01:30:24,185 --> 01:30:26,551 Ooh, I hit the record button. 1237 01:30:27,688 --> 01:30:29,485 Anyway, that was, uh... 1238 01:30:30,391 --> 01:30:33,121 That was that. I mean, there's more, but... 1239 01:30:34,195 --> 01:30:35,662 Let's go back to the movie. 1240 01:30:35,730 --> 01:30:38,995 I started going to meetings regularly after that 1241 01:30:39,066 --> 01:30:43,127 and was eventually able to stop having sex with prostitutes long enough 1242 01:30:43,204 --> 01:30:44,637 to get married again. 1243 01:30:46,741 --> 01:30:49,869 Unfortunately, that marriage didn't work out so well. 1244 01:30:50,845 --> 01:30:53,973 Two years later, as our marriage was falling apart, 1245 01:30:54,048 --> 01:30:58,678 I had sex with a prostitute and told my wife. 1246 01:30:58,753 --> 01:31:00,983 She filed for divorce soon after. 1247 01:31:02,623 --> 01:31:05,023 Hi, my name's Caveh. I'm a sex addict. 1248 01:31:05,092 --> 01:31:06,616 ALL: Hi, Caveh. 1249 01:31:06,694 --> 01:31:08,321 It wasn't easy, 1250 01:31:08,396 --> 01:31:11,991 but after several more years of going to meetings at least once a week, 1251 01:31:12,066 --> 01:31:15,661 I was eventually able to stop having sex with prostitutes altogether. 1252 01:31:15,736 --> 01:31:19,604 It's hard to explain how I was eventually able to stop. 1253 01:31:19,674 --> 01:31:22,234 It wasn't just one thing. 1254 01:31:22,310 --> 01:31:27,612 But the way I think about it is in terms of the story of Orpheus and the Sirens. 1255 01:31:30,651 --> 01:31:33,279 The Sirens were these mythical creatures 1256 01:31:33,354 --> 01:31:35,549 whose singing was so seductive 1257 01:31:35,623 --> 01:31:38,990 that anyone hearing them would go insane with desire. 1258 01:31:41,162 --> 01:31:44,825 Sailors would fling themselves overboard to try to reach them, 1259 01:31:44,899 --> 01:31:47,595 only to die upon the rocks below. 1260 01:31:49,136 --> 01:31:53,095 But when Jason and the Argonauts had to sail past the Sirens, 1261 01:31:53,174 --> 01:31:56,610 Orpheus, the greatest singer in ancient Greece, 1262 01:31:56,677 --> 01:31:58,611 came up with an ingenious idea. 1263 01:31:58,679 --> 01:32:00,010 (ting) 1264 01:32:01,182 --> 01:32:03,309 He simply started singing. 1265 01:32:04,452 --> 01:32:06,977 And because his song was so beautiful, 1266 01:32:07,054 --> 01:32:10,217 the oarsmen had ears only for his song 1267 01:32:10,291 --> 01:32:12,384 and didn't even hear the Sirens. 1268 01:32:14,195 --> 01:32:16,322 And I feel like that's what happened to me. 1269 01:32:17,698 --> 01:32:19,928 I heard a more beautiful song. 1270 01:32:31,979 --> 01:32:34,971 - And then I met Mandy. - Hi. 1271 01:32:35,049 --> 01:32:37,950 - This is Mandy. - We just went swimming. 1272 01:32:38,019 --> 01:32:42,080 We met in a dance class and fell in love soon afterwards. 1273 01:32:44,525 --> 01:32:47,358 We've been together for seven years now, 1274 01:32:47,428 --> 01:32:50,397 which is by far the longest I've ever been with anyone. 1275 01:32:52,300 --> 01:32:54,598 - CAVEH: I love you, sweetie. - I love you, too. 1276 01:32:54,669 --> 01:32:56,569 Now, I'm not saying we never fight. 1277 01:32:56,637 --> 01:32:59,629 Mandy, I was willing to talk about it. You weren't. 1278 01:32:59,707 --> 01:33:01,698 We fight a lot. 1279 01:33:01,776 --> 01:33:04,609 Now he's in here and he's filming me. 1280 01:33:04,679 --> 01:33:08,115 But fighting no longer makes me want to go have sex with a prostitute 1281 01:33:08,182 --> 01:33:10,309 or look for a new girlfriend. 1282 01:33:10,384 --> 01:33:15,151 Instead, I just hang in there and really try to work it out. 1283 01:33:15,890 --> 01:33:17,619 (exhales) 1284 01:33:17,692 --> 01:33:20,684 I could go on and on about how great she is, 1285 01:33:20,761 --> 01:33:22,752 but the wedding's about to begin. 1286 01:33:22,830 --> 01:33:24,730 Greg, let's do the boutonniere. 1287 01:33:52,193 --> 01:33:54,286 Are you ready? Here we go. 1288 01:34:20,121 --> 01:34:23,215 (Pachelbel's Canon in D Major playing) 1289 01:35:52,179 --> 01:35:54,147 MAN: One, two, three. 1290 01:35:54,215 --> 01:35:57,207 (Jonathan Richman's My Baby Love Love Loves Me Now playing) 1291 01:36:08,996 --> 01:36:12,830 # Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now # 1292 01:36:12,900 --> 01:36:16,358 # Even more than I prayed for # 1293 01:36:16,437 --> 01:36:20,066 # My baby love, love, loves me now # 1294 01:36:20,141 --> 01:36:23,042 # Even more than I prayed # 1295 01:36:23,110 --> 01:36:24,805 # I prayed # 1296 01:36:24,879 --> 01:36:26,574 # I have # 1297 01:36:27,281 --> 01:36:30,978 # But I didn't expect this # 1298 01:36:31,051 --> 01:36:34,680 # My baby love, love, loves me now # 1299 01:36:34,755 --> 01:36:38,156 # Even more than I prayed for # 1300 01:36:38,225 --> 01:36:40,853 # Even more than I prayed # 1301 01:36:40,928 --> 01:36:42,953 # Well, she loves # 1302 01:36:43,030 --> 01:36:45,590 # She does # 1303 01:36:45,666 --> 01:36:48,567 # But I had to be ready for it # 1304 01:36:48,636 --> 01:36:50,297 # She loves # 1305 01:36:50,371 --> 01:36:52,498 # She does # 1306 01:36:52,573 --> 01:36:55,303 # But I had to be ready # 1307 01:36:55,376 --> 01:36:57,640 # And I prayed # 1308 01:36:57,711 --> 01:36:59,906 # I have # 1309 01:36:59,980 --> 01:37:02,710 # And I was blessed # 1310 01:37:03,684 --> 01:37:07,313 # Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now # 1311 01:37:07,388 --> 01:37:10,915 # Even more than I prayed for # 1312 01:37:10,991 --> 01:37:13,789 # Even more than I prayed # 1313 01:37:46,627 --> 01:37:50,290 # Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now # 1314 01:37:50,364 --> 01:37:53,800 # Even more than I prayed for # 1315 01:37:53,868 --> 01:37:57,599 # Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now # 1316 01:37:57,671 --> 01:38:00,299 # Even more than I prayed # 1317 01:38:00,374 --> 01:38:02,535 # Well, she loves # 1318 01:38:02,610 --> 01:38:04,737 # She hates # 1319 01:38:04,812 --> 01:38:07,610 # But she communicates # 1320 01:38:08,749 --> 01:38:12,310 # And my baby love, love, loves me now # 1321 01:38:12,386 --> 01:38:15,878 # Even more than I prayed for # 1322 01:38:15,956 --> 01:38:18,322 # Even more than I prayed # 1323 01:38:18,392 --> 01:38:20,724 # Well, she loves # 1324 01:38:20,794 --> 01:38:23,024 # She does # 1325 01:38:23,097 --> 01:38:26,123 # But I had to be ready for it # 1326 01:38:26,200 --> 01:38:27,997 # She loves # 1327 01:38:28,068 --> 01:38:30,366 # She does # 1328 01:38:30,437 --> 01:38:33,099 # But I had to be ready # 1329 01:38:33,173 --> 01:38:35,334 # And I prayed # 1330 01:38:35,409 --> 01:38:37,775 # I asked, yeah # 1331 01:38:37,845 --> 01:38:40,143 # And I was blessed # 1332 01:38:40,214 --> 01:38:41,806 # Love, love, love # 1333 01:38:41,882 --> 01:38:45,716 # My baby love, love, loves me now # 1334 01:38:45,786 --> 01:38:49,984 # Even more than I prayed for # 1335 01:38:50,057 --> 01:38:53,788 # Even more than I prayed # 109949

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.