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1
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This programme contains
some strong language
2
00:00:10,058 --> 00:00:11,577
'What's so great about him?'
3
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Well, he's smart and reliable.
4
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:16,898
You sound like
you're describing a car.
5
00:00:16,899 --> 00:00:18,737
You know he likes you.
6
00:00:18,738 --> 00:00:21,577
Finds you...fascinating.
7
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SHE YELPS AND LAUGHS
8
00:00:26,858 --> 00:00:31,337
I've really, really loved hanging out
with you for the last few days.
9
00:00:31,338 --> 00:00:33,617
Yeah, me too.
10
00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,657
You're going to propose to her?
11
00:00:35,658 --> 00:00:38,737
Yes, I'm going to pop the question
at my birthday party.
12
00:00:38,738 --> 00:00:42,217
Why don't you go and tell her? It's
fancy dress. I don't have a costume.
13
00:00:42,218 --> 00:00:43,777
Sorry, who are you meant to be?
14
00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:46,977
We're Riggs and Murtaugh,
you know, from Lethal Weapon.
15
00:00:46,978 --> 00:00:49,897
What if she doesn't feel the same?
It'll be awkward living with her.
16
00:00:49,898 --> 00:00:54,417
Well, it doesn't matter. If she says yes to
him, she won't be living here. What is it?
17
00:00:54,418 --> 00:00:57,617
Brian's about to propose to you.
18
00:00:57,618 --> 00:00:59,378
Don!
19
00:01:22,738 --> 00:01:24,897
So, come on, did he propose?
20
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Yes. He did. And what did you say?
21
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I said I'd think about it.
22
00:01:29,498 --> 00:01:31,337
So, "no" then. Not necessarily.
23
00:01:31,338 --> 00:01:34,217
Well, "think about it"
hardly suggests "yes", does it?
24
00:01:34,218 --> 00:01:36,577
No, it suggests I'll think about it.
25
00:01:36,578 --> 00:01:38,457
It must be killing him.
26
00:01:38,458 --> 00:01:41,537
I bet he never thought he'd
find someone like you at his age.
27
00:01:41,538 --> 00:01:45,057
Oh, Don, that joke is getting old!
It's not the only thing getting old.
28
00:01:45,058 --> 00:01:46,817
Oh, you are so annoying.
29
00:01:46,818 --> 00:01:49,497
No wonder your only friend
is Rain Man over there.
30
00:01:49,498 --> 00:01:53,497
Oi, cheekbones, that's not very nice.
31
00:01:53,498 --> 00:01:55,257
He's not my ONLY friend.
32
00:01:55,258 --> 00:01:59,337
Anyway, Eddie might be a bit half price,
but he's nothing like Rain Man.
33
00:01:59,338 --> 00:02:02,978
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm an excellent
driver. Excellent driver.
34
00:02:05,578 --> 00:02:08,657
Look, I'm just saying,
either you love Brian, or you don't.
35
00:02:08,658 --> 00:02:11,777
I just want to make sure that we'd
be doing it for the right reasons.
36
00:02:11,778 --> 00:02:13,578
We've only been together
for a few months.
37
00:02:13,579 --> 00:02:16,377
Yeah, but at his age,
time goes all skewiff.
38
00:02:16,378 --> 00:02:20,417
It's like that dog years thing. When
you're older, a year can seem like a week.
39
00:02:20,418 --> 00:02:22,857
Or is it the other way around?
40
00:02:22,858 --> 00:02:25,777
You know, you're not so young
yourself. Yeah, but I'm not OLD.
41
00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:29,457
No, it's just your receding
hairline that makes you look it.
42
00:02:29,458 --> 00:02:32,497
How could you be so evil
and hurtful and spiteful?
43
00:02:32,498 --> 00:02:35,617
SHE CHUCKLES
44
00:02:35,618 --> 00:02:40,577
AMERICAN ACCENT: Of course, I get my
underwear from K-Mart. From K-Mart.
45
00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:44,577
What are you freaks up to?
Just having a little line run ahead of tonight.
46
00:02:44,578 --> 00:02:46,937
'Eddie belongs to the local
theatre club.
47
00:02:46,938 --> 00:02:49,698
'He's been in several productions
since he joined.'
48
00:02:52,098 --> 00:02:54,097
You can say it backwards, you know!
49
00:02:54,098 --> 00:02:57,377
Which is docious-ali-
expi-listic-fragi-cali-repus.
50
00:02:57,378 --> 00:03:00,977
I need your clothes,
your boots and your motorcycle.
51
00:03:00,978 --> 00:03:04,417
There's just one more thing.
My wife loves ya!
52
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:07,737
Why would I kill the man in the same
way I wrote about it in my book?
53
00:03:07,738 --> 00:03:08,938
Nick?
54
00:03:10,978 --> 00:03:15,617
We're doing Rain Man this week.
I'm playing the Dustin Hoffman part.
55
00:03:15,618 --> 00:03:17,697
Oh, I love it when I
get cast against type.
56
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:18,897
SHE SNEERS
57
00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:21,177
You are coming tonight,
aren't you, Don?
58
00:03:21,178 --> 00:03:24,777
To the theatre? I'd rather stay at home
and staple-gun my dick to my balls.
59
00:03:24,778 --> 00:03:26,857
Oh.
60
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:29,617
But hey, look.
We don't have a stapler,
61
00:03:29,618 --> 00:03:31,777
so of course I'll be there.
62
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,497
I've got a stapler
I'd be happy to lend you.
63
00:03:34,498 --> 00:03:37,617
Shush your mouth, Gollum.
64
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:42,577
'And so that night we all went to see
Eddie in his silly little play.'
65
00:03:42,578 --> 00:03:48,777
Amtrak train number 36, the Desert Wind,
eastbound, now boarding, track number three.
66
00:03:48,778 --> 00:03:51,217
Very shiny train. It sure is.
67
00:03:51,218 --> 00:03:55,537
Now, listen, I'm comin' to see you
in two weeks. How many days is that?
68
00:03:55,538 --> 00:03:58,057
Fourteen days from today.
Today's Wednesday.
69
00:03:58,058 --> 00:04:00,257
Course, that's 336 hours.
70
00:04:00,258 --> 00:04:06,057
20,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds.
71
00:04:06,058 --> 00:04:07,737
Ray, I'll see you soon.
72
00:04:07,738 --> 00:04:12,297
Yeah. Bet one for bad, two for good.
Bet two for good.
73
00:04:12,298 --> 00:04:15,098
Three minutes to Wapner.
You'll make it.
74
00:04:18,538 --> 00:04:22,018
TRAIN WHISTLES
75
00:04:24,138 --> 00:04:25,617
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
76
00:04:25,618 --> 00:04:28,858
I will not wear that thong,
Louis Walsh!
77
00:04:35,498 --> 00:04:39,417
Outstanding. Puts Hoffman to shame.
Talent like that is so attractive.
78
00:04:39,418 --> 00:04:40,898
I'd really like to fuck him.
79
00:04:47,058 --> 00:04:51,618
Strange. Does somebody need
their laundry doing?
80
00:04:54,418 --> 00:04:56,777
You were really enjoying yourself
up there.
81
00:04:56,778 --> 00:05:00,017
You should be so proud of yourself,
Eddie. You were brilliant.
82
00:05:00,018 --> 00:05:02,577
You all enjoyed it?
You didn't think it was amateurish?
83
00:05:02,578 --> 00:05:05,897
Eddie, it made me cry. Yeah,
all right, Bri. It weren't that bad.
84
00:05:05,898 --> 00:05:08,697
Because I was so moved.
It was a wonderful piece of drama.
85
00:05:08,698 --> 00:05:10,977
Yeah, and the women
in the audience adored you.
86
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,577
You reminded me of a
young Justin Hoffman.
87
00:05:13,578 --> 00:05:15,217
I think you mean Dustin Hoffman.
88
00:05:15,218 --> 00:05:18,057
No. Justin Hoffman!
89
00:05:18,058 --> 00:05:22,577
He's the town drunk who shouts at pigeons
outside Tesco's. You're right, he does a bit.
90
00:05:22,578 --> 00:05:24,458
I'm not sure how to take that, Dot.
91
00:05:24,459 --> 00:05:27,337
The poor man's an actual retard.
92
00:05:27,338 --> 00:05:29,697
OK. Night, everyone.
93
00:05:29,698 --> 00:05:32,778
Oh, and well done... Justin Hoffman.
94
00:05:33,738 --> 00:05:36,738
Right, better quickly get
all this washing on.
95
00:05:37,818 --> 00:05:42,337
Eddie,
this local theatre club of yours?
96
00:05:42,338 --> 00:05:45,017
Uh-huh? Can anyone join?
97
00:05:45,018 --> 00:05:48,817
Abso-lulu. Anyone from
the local community, that is.
98
00:05:48,818 --> 00:05:50,618
When do rehearsals start
for the next show?
99
00:05:50,619 --> 00:05:53,897
Next week. There's a rumour we're
doing Cocktail - The Musical.
100
00:05:53,898 --> 00:05:58,017
Rain Man? Cocktail? What, is it some
sort of Tom Cruise season?
101
00:05:58,018 --> 00:06:01,058
Exactly. Some sort
of Tom Cruise season.
102
00:06:02,858 --> 00:06:04,937
I wonder if they'll do
Eyes Wide Shut?
103
00:06:04,938 --> 00:06:07,697
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We tried that a few months ago.
104
00:06:07,698 --> 00:06:09,578
Didn't go down at all well.
105
00:06:11,098 --> 00:06:14,497
AUDIENCE: That's the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen!
106
00:06:14,498 --> 00:06:16,017
This is an outrage!
107
00:06:16,018 --> 00:06:18,137
SEXUAL MOANING
108
00:06:18,138 --> 00:06:20,058
BOOING
109
00:06:22,058 --> 00:06:24,217
Right, I want to join.
What do you reckon?
110
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:25,777
But you hate the theatre.
111
00:06:25,778 --> 00:06:28,937
You said you'd rather staple-gun
your penis to its balls.
112
00:06:28,938 --> 00:06:31,657
Look, Eddie,
theatre's like male masturbation.
113
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,578
Fun to do, hideous to watch.
114
00:06:34,538 --> 00:06:37,018
I saw all that attention
you were getting back there.
115
00:06:37,019 --> 00:06:40,017
There's something about men
expressing their gayness on stage
116
00:06:40,018 --> 00:06:42,378
that gives women a fizzy vagenie.
I don't know why.
117
00:06:42,379 --> 00:06:43,618
But can you act?
118
00:06:43,619 --> 00:06:45,698
Since when did acting
have anything to do with it?
119
00:06:45,699 --> 00:06:48,017
It's about star quality, Eddie.
120
00:06:48,018 --> 00:06:52,657
Not acting. Just take a look at some of the
greatest screen legends of the last 30 years.
121
00:06:52,658 --> 00:06:57,537
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren,
that French Mastiff from Turner and Hooch.
122
00:06:57,538 --> 00:07:01,377
All terrible actors,
yet utterly mesmerising.
123
00:07:01,378 --> 00:07:04,497
Man, that dog was good!
124
00:07:04,498 --> 00:07:06,737
OK, Don. You can come along.
125
00:07:06,738 --> 00:07:09,017
But please, no horseplay.
126
00:07:09,018 --> 00:07:12,737
Sorry, horseplay? Yes, horseplay.
127
00:07:12,738 --> 00:07:16,577
You're actually genuinely using
the phrase horseplay? Yeah.
128
00:07:16,578 --> 00:07:19,737
Jesus, Eddie. Sometimes I think
you're from the turn of the century.
129
00:07:19,738 --> 00:07:23,378
What, the year 2000?
No, no. The one before that.
130
00:07:25,818 --> 00:07:28,817
'I was very excited
about becoming an actor.
131
00:07:28,818 --> 00:07:32,897
'And I needed something to take my mind
off the whole Brian and Sam situation.'
132
00:07:32,898 --> 00:07:37,817
A special round of applause to Eddie and Randy for
their extraordinary performances in Rain Man.
133
00:07:37,818 --> 00:07:39,257
APPLAUSE
134
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:41,857
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
135
00:07:41,858 --> 00:07:43,857
Really, there's no need for applause.
136
00:07:43,858 --> 00:07:45,818
I'm just like you guys.
137
00:07:47,898 --> 00:07:50,418
Well...a bit like you.
138
00:07:51,578 --> 00:07:55,977
Rain Man was a triumph, but now on to our
next production, my sweet little puppets!
139
00:07:55,978 --> 00:08:01,377
Now, I have been thinking long and hard, and
I've decided that our next production will be...
140
00:08:01,378 --> 00:08:03,458
Wait for it...
141
00:08:05,698 --> 00:08:08,978
Top Gun - The Musical!
142
00:08:10,498 --> 00:08:14,737
Er, excuse me. Excuse me. Over here.
143
00:08:14,738 --> 00:08:20,057
Don't you think we ought to wait for the director
to arrive before you start deciding what's what?
144
00:08:20,058 --> 00:08:22,417
Oh, right. Good idea. Yes.
145
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,137
Top Gun it is, then.
146
00:08:24,138 --> 00:08:27,137
Don. That is the director.
147
00:08:27,138 --> 00:08:30,097
Now, I sense a few newcomers...
148
00:08:30,098 --> 00:08:33,977
Whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry,
guys, sorry.
149
00:08:33,978 --> 00:08:38,057
Has no-one else noticed that he's...?
150
00:08:38,058 --> 00:08:39,458
Well, you know he's, er...
151
00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:44,977
I'm not sure I see what you're
saying. Exactly my point. No?
152
00:08:44,978 --> 00:08:46,937
Oh, never mind. Jesus!
153
00:08:46,938 --> 00:08:48,658
Before we start
divvying up the roles,
154
00:08:48,659 --> 00:08:51,417
why don't we just loosen up
and start with some exercises, OK?
155
00:08:51,418 --> 00:08:53,178
So, on your feet, come on, come on.
156
00:08:56,738 --> 00:08:59,217
Excuse me, er...
Don Danbury. I'm new.
157
00:08:59,218 --> 00:09:02,057
Ah, always a pleasure to have
a newbie in the troupe.
158
00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:04,697
A fresh puppet to place
my proverbial hand inside.
159
00:09:04,698 --> 00:09:07,937
I hope proverbial means you won't
actually put your hand inside me?
160
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,137
Ha, ha, how funny.
I'm Simon Simon Smith.
161
00:09:10,138 --> 00:09:11,697
Nice to meet you.
162
00:09:11,698 --> 00:09:14,177
Hang on, Simon SIMON Smith? Correct.
163
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,297
What, your first name's Simon
and your middle name's Simon?
164
00:09:17,298 --> 00:09:19,698
Yes. My mother had a stutter.
What can I do for you, poppet?
165
00:09:19,699 --> 00:09:22,257
Are you sure Top Gun's
the right way forward here?
166
00:09:22,258 --> 00:09:25,657
What would you suggest? I dunno.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?
167
00:09:25,658 --> 00:09:27,777
Been there. It was a travesty!
168
00:09:27,778 --> 00:09:30,497
I told them we should never
have done it on ice!
169
00:09:30,498 --> 00:09:35,617
I mean, how was the character in the wheelchair meant
to know how to ice skate, huh? Answer me, Donald!
170
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:36,737
I don't know.
171
00:09:36,738 --> 00:09:37,897
Theatre games!
172
00:09:37,898 --> 00:09:41,657
'Was I being stupid? I mean, how
does a blind man direct a musical?'
173
00:09:41,658 --> 00:09:43,817
I get what you're saying. About him.
174
00:09:43,818 --> 00:09:46,857
It's weird, innit? No-one else
seems to have a problem with it.
175
00:09:46,858 --> 00:09:49,017
Oh, I've got a problem with it,
all right.
176
00:09:49,018 --> 00:09:52,337
I wish his type would
just go back home.
177
00:09:52,338 --> 00:09:56,938
Where do blind people come from?
Oh...
178
00:09:58,058 --> 00:10:00,618
See you in a minute.
179
00:10:04,378 --> 00:10:07,538
Time to reveal
who will be playing whom.
180
00:10:09,098 --> 00:10:11,738
Please be Maverick,
please be Maverick.
181
00:10:14,498 --> 00:10:16,777
Yes! I'm Tom Cruise.
182
00:10:16,778 --> 00:10:19,377
I'm Tom mother-loving Cruise.
183
00:10:19,378 --> 00:10:21,377
Oh, right. I'm Goose.
184
00:10:21,378 --> 00:10:23,897
I feel the need.
185
00:10:23,898 --> 00:10:27,058
BOTH: The need for speed!
186
00:10:28,778 --> 00:10:33,097
I wonder who's playing Charlie?
The Kelly McGillis role. She's really fit.
187
00:10:33,098 --> 00:10:36,098
As in sexy, not healthy.
188
00:10:40,538 --> 00:10:43,497
I'm just saying she looks
nothing like Kelly McGillis.
189
00:10:43,498 --> 00:10:45,057
This is community theatre, Donald.
190
00:10:45,058 --> 00:10:47,577
What if the community don't buy
me and her as a couple?
191
00:10:47,578 --> 00:10:50,897
Fuck the community, then!
Fuck them all. This is my production.
192
00:10:50,898 --> 00:10:54,017
Too many times has the community
interfered with my work.
193
00:10:54,018 --> 00:10:57,137
I should never have done Cuckoo's
Nest on ice. A boy died that night!
194
00:10:57,138 --> 00:10:58,938
All right.
I'm sure it weren't your fault.
195
00:10:58,939 --> 00:11:01,977
I was the one who skated
across his jugular.
196
00:11:01,978 --> 00:11:05,377
You were in the show?
Yes. I'm in all my productions.
197
00:11:05,378 --> 00:11:07,577
Holy batty sleeves.
198
00:11:07,578 --> 00:11:10,377
Actually, this tete-a-tete
is quite useful.
199
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,617
I'm playing Iceman, you see?
200
00:11:12,618 --> 00:11:14,377
Let's use this tension.
201
00:11:14,378 --> 00:11:16,858
Let's use it!
202
00:11:20,378 --> 00:11:23,137
My God, Don,
you look just like Cruise.
203
00:11:23,138 --> 00:11:25,097
Well, thank you very much.
204
00:11:25,098 --> 00:11:27,097
I want to kiss you on the mouth.
What?
205
00:11:27,098 --> 00:11:30,058
On with rehearsals,
my rancid little puppets!
206
00:11:32,338 --> 00:11:38,178
Watching in slow motion
as you turn around and say
207
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:44,257
Take my breath away...
208
00:11:44,258 --> 00:11:48,457
Wonderful. Exquisite.
And now Margaret.
209
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:52,137
Take my breath away...
210
00:11:52,138 --> 00:11:56,817
Good. Now Maverick moves in
towards her. Come on, Don.
211
00:11:56,818 --> 00:12:00,937
In for the kiss. In for the kiss,
Don! In for the kiss!
212
00:12:00,938 --> 00:12:03,337
All right! Kiss her. I'm going to!
213
00:12:03,338 --> 00:12:05,737
Kiss her, please. Kiss!
214
00:12:05,738 --> 00:12:07,217
Kiss her.
215
00:12:07,218 --> 00:12:08,298
And...
216
00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:13,817
And cut.
217
00:12:13,818 --> 00:12:15,417
THUD
218
00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:16,537
Tea break?
219
00:12:16,538 --> 00:12:18,138
I can't feel my arms.
220
00:12:23,338 --> 00:12:27,097
Because, Goose, you're the only
goddamn family I've got.
221
00:12:27,098 --> 00:12:28,617
Goddamn family.
222
00:12:28,618 --> 00:12:30,457
SHE SMIRKS
223
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,537
Oh, look,
Noel Coward's back from the dead.
224
00:12:33,538 --> 00:12:37,257
Ha-ha-ha. Funny. Not sure who
that is exactly, but it's funny.
225
00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:39,257
Right, finished with the jokes? Good.
226
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,697
Check this shit out.
227
00:12:40,698 --> 00:12:45,657
I have just landed myself the lead role
in the theatre club's latest production.
228
00:12:45,658 --> 00:12:47,777
Congratulations, Don.
229
00:12:47,778 --> 00:12:51,257
Thought it was time I got myself
involved in some challenging theatre.
230
00:12:51,258 --> 00:12:54,657
Top Gun - The Musical.
It's hardly Chekhov, is it?
231
00:12:54,658 --> 00:12:56,417
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
232
00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:59,137
You are so naive, Samantha.
233
00:12:59,138 --> 00:13:01,017
Top Gun's all about the subtext.
234
00:13:01,018 --> 00:13:04,737
Some of it's very Chekhovian.
Do you even know who Chekhov is?
235
00:13:04,738 --> 00:13:07,577
Not a clue. Was he the bad guy
in Beverly Hills Cop?
236
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,617
No. Who am I thinking of, then?
237
00:13:09,618 --> 00:13:11,777
Berkoff. You berk off!
238
00:13:11,778 --> 00:13:15,417
Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing
it, it'll be good for a laugh.
239
00:13:15,418 --> 00:13:18,457
Top Gun's not a comedy, Samantha.
240
00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:20,017
Do you want tea? Yes.
241
00:13:20,018 --> 00:13:21,778
I'll just have a hot water and lemon.
242
00:13:21,779 --> 00:13:26,537
Better keep an eye on this little
fella, being on stage and whatnot.
243
00:13:26,538 --> 00:13:31,458
There's some jammy doughnuts in the
cupboard, bring them in. Good girl.
244
00:13:34,938 --> 00:13:36,978
Psst. Don. Over here.
245
00:13:42,058 --> 00:13:44,297
Can we have a quick mano-a-mano?
246
00:13:44,298 --> 00:13:46,177
I hope that's not slang for sex.
247
00:13:46,178 --> 00:13:48,337
No, no. It means a one-to-one.
248
00:13:48,338 --> 00:13:50,057
Still sounds like sex.
249
00:13:50,058 --> 00:13:51,657
I need some advice about Samantha.
250
00:13:51,658 --> 00:13:54,177
You want advice? From me?
251
00:13:54,178 --> 00:13:59,457
All her other friends are students at the university
where I teach. You're the only one left. Right.
252
00:13:59,458 --> 00:14:04,337
Am I being a dick? I don't know. But I'm
desperate to say yes. Waiting for Sam like this.
253
00:14:04,338 --> 00:14:08,577
Give her a chance to let the kettle boil!
No, no. I'm talking about my proposal.
254
00:14:08,578 --> 00:14:11,737
Ah, yeah. It's been almost
two weeks since I asked her.
255
00:14:11,738 --> 00:14:15,497
When I push for an answer, she says she
needs more time. How much does she need?
256
00:14:15,498 --> 00:14:18,257
Either she loves me or she doesn't.
Well, that's what I said.
257
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:21,577
What does it look like to other people?
Like you've landed on your feet.
258
00:14:21,578 --> 00:14:27,497
Well, look she's funny, smart,
good-looking, intelligent, genuine, fit.
259
00:14:27,498 --> 00:14:30,537
Oh, man, I would love
to have sex with her.
260
00:14:30,538 --> 00:14:33,537
Is what people probably think.
261
00:14:33,538 --> 00:14:35,617
Which is good. It's a compliment.
262
00:14:35,618 --> 00:14:38,737
So I shouldn't just walk away?
263
00:14:38,738 --> 00:14:41,098
Because, well,
I've been thinking about it.
264
00:14:44,178 --> 00:14:47,657
Honestly, Bri?
You wait as long as it takes.
265
00:14:47,658 --> 00:14:51,457
Because if you walked away you'd
be a making a terrible mistake.
266
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:55,417
And believe me,
I know a lot about terrible mistakes.
267
00:14:55,418 --> 00:14:59,177
Thanks, Don.
You're a really good guy, you know?
268
00:14:59,178 --> 00:15:02,578
Well...
I don't care what other people say.
269
00:15:04,298 --> 00:15:06,857
What do you mean,
"what other people say?"
270
00:15:06,858 --> 00:15:11,897
OK, listen up, puppets.
I have some terrible, terrible news.
271
00:15:11,898 --> 00:15:14,218
Margaret is in hospital.
272
00:15:15,658 --> 00:15:20,057
Apparently she'd been having trouble
feeling anything in her arms all day,
273
00:15:20,058 --> 00:15:24,337
and last night lost control of her
car and drove into a shop. Splat.
274
00:15:24,338 --> 00:15:29,057
And so there is a strong possibility she
will not be able to perform tomorrow.
275
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:34,098
Yes! Yes! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes!
276
00:15:38,258 --> 00:15:42,337
I mean, oh, poor Margaret.
I hope she's all right.
277
00:15:42,338 --> 00:15:48,017
Which means that we need to find ourselves a new
starlet, otherwise this production shuts down.
278
00:15:48,018 --> 00:15:53,457
Either that or we go the Shakespeare route and
I'll play the love interest. What?! No, no.
279
00:15:53,458 --> 00:15:55,617
You're playing Iceman.
280
00:15:55,618 --> 00:15:59,297
Are you questioning my ability
to dupliact? No? Good.
281
00:15:59,298 --> 00:16:02,657
Then find me my local ingenue
or fetch me my frock. You decide!
282
00:16:02,658 --> 00:16:04,338
Please choose the frock.
283
00:16:05,858 --> 00:16:10,418
We need to find a new leading lady
quick sharp.
284
00:16:13,418 --> 00:16:16,418
What are you going to have?
I'm not sure.
285
00:16:19,418 --> 00:16:21,498
Say "ah." Ah.
286
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:26,338
SHE MOANS
287
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:47,057
What's up with you?
Someone stolen your corset?
288
00:16:47,058 --> 00:16:48,897
SHE SMIRKS
289
00:16:48,898 --> 00:16:51,417
They'd bloody better not have.
290
00:16:51,418 --> 00:16:53,177
We've got a problem with the show.
291
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:57,897
Is the problem called
Top Gun - The Musical?
292
00:16:57,898 --> 00:17:02,097
Do you mind?
Jesus, I never give YOU grief.
293
00:17:02,098 --> 00:17:04,737
The lead actress has pulled out.
294
00:17:04,738 --> 00:17:07,737
Why? Well, she's in a coma.
295
00:17:07,738 --> 00:17:10,897
Right, well, she hasn't exactly
dropped out, then, has she?
296
00:17:10,898 --> 00:17:13,297
Well, she's hardly
going ahead with it, is she?
297
00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:16,937
I'm having trouble
finding a replacement.
298
00:17:16,938 --> 00:17:19,417
Needs to be a girl, obviously.
299
00:17:19,418 --> 00:17:21,257
Someone from the local area.
300
00:17:21,258 --> 00:17:23,857
Preferably someone sexy. I'll do it.
301
00:17:23,858 --> 00:17:26,617
Resist, resist, resist. I can't.
302
00:17:26,618 --> 00:17:29,098
I said, "someone sexy".
303
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:34,658
She needs to be confident enough
to get up on stage.
304
00:17:39,098 --> 00:17:41,857
It would help if she was blonde.
305
00:17:41,858 --> 00:17:43,857
Mid 20s-ish.
306
00:17:43,858 --> 00:17:46,737
Maybe if her name
was like Anne, or Pam,
307
00:17:46,738 --> 00:17:48,777
which is short for Pamantha,
I believe.
308
00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:51,177
Do you know anyone
who fits that description?
309
00:17:51,178 --> 00:17:54,097
Nope. Oh, go on. You'd be perfect.
310
00:17:54,098 --> 00:17:55,937
Not as good as I'd be.
311
00:17:55,938 --> 00:17:57,937
Shush, Gollum, adults are talking.
312
00:17:57,938 --> 00:17:59,858
I don't even know
if I can act, Don.
313
00:17:59,859 --> 00:18:02,618
You'll be in perfect company.
Nobody in the show can act.
314
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:07,137
Oh, go on. I don't want to do
kissing scenes with Simon Simon.
315
00:18:07,138 --> 00:18:10,298
Wait, there are kissing scenes?
No, no.
316
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:15,258
I'll think about it, OK?
OK, yeah. OK.
317
00:18:19,578 --> 00:18:21,378
So, what do you reckon?
Are you in?
318
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:33,218
Thanks for doing this, by the way.
You have totally saved the show.
319
00:18:35,498 --> 00:18:37,777
Sorry, are you running lines?
320
00:18:37,778 --> 00:18:39,337
I think I'm going to say yes.
321
00:18:39,338 --> 00:18:41,857
Really? In which scene?
322
00:18:41,858 --> 00:18:46,137
No, to Brian. Oh.
323
00:18:46,138 --> 00:18:48,457
Why?
324
00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:51,017
Because I do love him, Don.
325
00:18:51,018 --> 00:18:53,417
Yeah, but are you IN love with him?
326
00:18:53,418 --> 00:18:56,537
I just want to be with somebody
who's not going to let me down.
327
00:18:56,538 --> 00:18:58,857
Right. Someone like me, you mean?
328
00:18:58,858 --> 00:19:01,457
No, that's not what I mean.
329
00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:03,297
OK. Two minutes, puppets!
330
00:19:03,298 --> 00:19:06,537
Samantha, you're confident that
you remember everything, yes?
331
00:19:06,538 --> 00:19:10,657
Yes, I think so. Think? Think?
I need you to know, my dear!
332
00:19:10,658 --> 00:19:12,298
OK, I know.
333
00:19:13,658 --> 00:19:16,657
And Donald,
you remember what I said earlier?
334
00:19:16,658 --> 00:19:20,657
Look, I told you before, I don't want
you to give me a pre-show blowie.
335
00:19:20,658 --> 00:19:24,537
No, not that. Earlier, before that?
Oh, right. Er? Come on, puppet.
336
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,337
The secret to great acting?
337
00:19:26,338 --> 00:19:29,297
The golden code to a truly
mesmerising performance?
338
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:32,017
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Say the words from the script.
339
00:19:32,018 --> 00:19:33,617
Correct. Now fly, my puppet!
340
00:19:33,618 --> 00:19:35,777
Take to the stage! You've got it.
341
00:19:35,778 --> 00:19:38,538
You're sure I can't give you
a quick pre-show blowie?
342
00:19:56,058 --> 00:19:58,857
You are a hell of a pilot, Maverick.
343
00:19:58,858 --> 00:20:01,538
So I am going to write
a dream ticket.
344
00:20:02,898 --> 00:20:05,858
You two jokers are going to Top Gun.
345
00:20:09,818 --> 00:20:12,817
We're flying to... Top Gun!
346
00:20:12,818 --> 00:20:15,857
We're flying to... Top Gun!
347
00:20:15,858 --> 00:20:18,497
We're flying to... Top Gun!
348
00:20:18,498 --> 00:20:21,617
We're flying to... Top Gun!
349
00:20:21,618 --> 00:20:23,098
We're flying to... Top Gun!
350
00:20:23,099 --> 00:20:26,738
Top Gun! Top Gun!
Top Gun! Top Gun!
351
00:20:28,098 --> 00:20:29,657
My name is Maverick
352
00:20:29,658 --> 00:20:32,137
And I'm a maverick pilot
353
00:20:32,138 --> 00:20:33,657
Pilot!
354
00:20:33,658 --> 00:20:35,737
My name is Goose, and I'm a...
355
00:20:35,738 --> 00:20:38,538
Goosey pilot
356
00:20:40,418 --> 00:20:42,897
My daddy was a fighter pilot too
357
00:20:42,898 --> 00:20:45,697
But I never met him
because he died when I was small
358
00:20:45,698 --> 00:20:50,697
And I'm living in his shadow
359
00:20:50,698 --> 00:20:52,657
Shadow
360
00:20:52,658 --> 00:20:55,097
I'm living in my
dead daddy's shadow
361
00:20:55,098 --> 00:20:58,817
He's living in his
dead daddy's shadow
362
00:20:58,818 --> 00:21:02,938
Shh-shh-shh-shadow.
363
00:21:14,658 --> 00:21:18,338
APPLAUSE
364
00:21:19,498 --> 00:21:22,497
I'm a guy. And you're a guy.
365
00:21:22,498 --> 00:21:25,817
And there's tension between us.
Can you feel it?
366
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:28,497
We're guys
Guys in the showers
367
00:21:28,498 --> 00:21:30,897
We're guys
Competing with each other
368
00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:32,057
We're guys
369
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:33,297
Not gays
370
00:21:33,298 --> 00:21:34,818
But guys
371
00:21:36,698 --> 00:21:42,137
We're very manly
and definitely not homosexual
372
00:21:42,138 --> 00:21:46,977
Well, maybe just a tiny little bit
homoerotic, oh!
373
00:21:46,978 --> 00:21:52,817
We're just guys who really love
to shower with other guys
374
00:21:52,818 --> 00:21:54,737
Guys
G-U-Y-S
375
00:21:54,738 --> 00:21:56,257
Guys Guys
376
00:21:56,258 --> 00:21:59,777
G-U-Y-S
Guys.
377
00:21:59,778 --> 00:22:01,538
APPLAUSE
378
00:22:11,258 --> 00:22:12,698
BANG
379
00:22:23,738 --> 00:22:27,657
No, Goose! Don't leave me, Goose!
380
00:22:27,658 --> 00:22:29,178
No!
381
00:22:32,738 --> 00:22:35,737
We're changing the set now
We're changing the set
382
00:22:35,738 --> 00:22:38,537
We're changing the set now
We're changing the set
383
00:22:38,538 --> 00:22:40,977
What are you doing?
We just told you
384
00:22:40,978 --> 00:22:44,017
We're changing,
we're changing, we're changing...
385
00:22:44,018 --> 00:22:46,737
That was amazing!
Really? I wasn't too over the top?
386
00:22:46,738 --> 00:22:47,978
No. It was amazing.
387
00:22:47,979 --> 00:22:49,698
Quick, it's the big scene!
388
00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:54,897
APPLAUSE
389
00:22:54,898 --> 00:22:58,218
PIANIST PLAYS "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"
390
00:23:03,618 --> 00:23:09,178
Watching every motion
in my foolish lover's game
391
00:23:12,818 --> 00:23:18,818
On this endless ocean
finally lovers know no shame
392
00:23:22,418 --> 00:23:28,538
Turning and returning
to some secret place inside
393
00:23:32,498 --> 00:23:37,218
Watching in slow motion
as you turn around and say...
394
00:23:40,498 --> 00:23:44,257
Take my breath away
395
00:23:44,258 --> 00:23:48,978
Hey, hey
396
00:23:50,258 --> 00:23:53,337
Take my breath away
397
00:23:53,338 --> 00:23:58,218
Hey, hey...
398
00:24:28,378 --> 00:24:29,897
What's going on?
399
00:24:29,898 --> 00:24:31,578
They're still kissing. Oh.
400
00:24:35,618 --> 00:24:38,097
HE PLAYS FINAL CHORD QUICKLY
401
00:24:38,098 --> 00:24:39,698
APPLAUSE
402
00:24:44,618 --> 00:24:48,617
Fly, fly, fly, fly
403
00:24:48,618 --> 00:24:53,577
You can fly, fly, fly, fly
404
00:24:53,578 --> 00:24:55,977
You can fly with me any time
405
00:24:55,978 --> 00:24:58,017
In time
406
00:24:58,018 --> 00:24:59,177
Time
407
00:24:59,178 --> 00:25:02,137
You can fly with me any time
408
00:25:02,138 --> 00:25:03,217
Time
409
00:25:03,218 --> 00:25:04,737
Time
410
00:25:04,738 --> 00:25:07,617
You can fly with me any time
411
00:25:07,618 --> 00:25:08,697
Any time
412
00:25:08,698 --> 00:25:11,057
Any time you like!
413
00:25:11,058 --> 00:25:13,018
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
414
00:25:20,978 --> 00:25:22,578
BOTTLE SMASHES
415
00:25:27,458 --> 00:25:31,857
I don't get it. I played Tom Cruise, and
yet he still gets all the attention.
416
00:25:31,858 --> 00:25:34,737
He had the death scene.
You can't top that. Death scenes.
417
00:25:34,738 --> 00:25:37,737
Simpletons. Blacking up.
He's an awards magnet.
418
00:25:37,738 --> 00:25:40,418
Can I have a word? Yeah, of course.
419
00:25:42,298 --> 00:25:45,577
I always thought
you'd be shit on stage.
420
00:25:45,578 --> 00:25:47,377
Great. Thanks, Gollum.
421
00:25:47,378 --> 00:25:50,057
But you were quite good, actually.
422
00:25:50,058 --> 00:25:52,537
Oh. Thanks, Dot.
423
00:25:52,538 --> 00:25:55,737
I can't believe how much fun
that was. You were amazing.
424
00:25:55,738 --> 00:25:58,137
Oh, thank you. You always are.
425
00:25:58,138 --> 00:26:02,577
Look, I was going to wait until we got
back, but I want to tell you something.
426
00:26:02,578 --> 00:26:03,657
Me too.
427
00:26:03,658 --> 00:26:05,977
OK, well, you first.
428
00:26:05,978 --> 00:26:08,618
Ah. How do I say this?
429
00:26:10,018 --> 00:26:12,897
I saw you up there with Don.
You were really convincing.
430
00:26:12,898 --> 00:26:15,857
Yeah, but we were just acting,
you know that, right? Were you?
431
00:26:15,858 --> 00:26:18,417
Yes.
432
00:26:18,418 --> 00:26:20,617
Even if that kiss was just acting,
433
00:26:20,618 --> 00:26:26,537
even if you considered him to be
just another actor, and not Don.
434
00:26:26,538 --> 00:26:30,257
Well, you still had more chemistry
with that person than you do with me.
435
00:26:30,258 --> 00:26:32,857
I watched the way you both
kissed and thought,
436
00:26:32,858 --> 00:26:37,338
"She has never, ever
kissed me like that."
437
00:26:42,858 --> 00:26:44,857
Don't be sad.
438
00:26:44,858 --> 00:26:47,298
Better we found this out now, hey?
439
00:26:49,058 --> 00:26:52,338
I'll leave you all to celebrate.
440
00:26:59,098 --> 00:27:01,657
More washing. How exciting!
441
00:27:01,658 --> 00:27:04,297
Puppets! I'd like you
to meet my beloved wife.
442
00:27:04,298 --> 00:27:07,257
Er, sorry. Wife? Yes, wife.
443
00:27:07,258 --> 00:27:09,657
Everything OK, Samantha?
444
00:27:09,658 --> 00:27:12,017
Ah, Samantha, my heroine.
445
00:27:12,018 --> 00:27:15,257
You are truly a talent. And what
chemistry you and Donald have.
446
00:27:15,258 --> 00:27:17,138
You must do more together, you must.
447
00:27:17,139 --> 00:27:19,617
Well, I do keep trying
to tell her, Simon Simon.
448
00:27:19,618 --> 00:27:23,457
But I think she'd rather act
opposite Uncle Brian.
449
00:27:23,458 --> 00:27:25,137
Actually, where is Bri?
450
00:27:25,138 --> 00:27:27,937
Erm, he's gone. He had to leave.
451
00:27:27,938 --> 00:27:32,497
Well, I would like to propose
a toast. To Donald and Samantha.
452
00:27:32,498 --> 00:27:35,937
The perfect Maverick and Charlie!
453
00:27:35,938 --> 00:27:38,497
Cheers! Cheers.
454
00:27:38,498 --> 00:27:39,658
Cheers!
455
00:27:40,818 --> 00:27:43,098
Cheers.
456
00:27:45,658 --> 00:27:50,817
Times, we've had some good ones
457
00:27:50,818 --> 00:27:54,778
Lines, we've drawn a few
458
00:27:56,298 --> 00:27:59,297
But it's gonna be all right
459
00:27:59,298 --> 00:28:02,657
Yes, we're gonna be all right.
460
00:28:02,658 --> 00:28:05,697
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
461
00:28:05,698 --> 00:28:08,738
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
462
00:28:08,788 --> 00:28:13,338
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
36621
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