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1
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,502
I went out shopping with Sam today.
2
00:00:06,622 --> 00:00:09,949
We were having a nice time, but
then she mentioned her boyfriend.
3
00:00:10,436 --> 00:00:13,523
Oh, by the way, I told Brian that
I'd throw him a party at the house.
4
00:00:13,643 --> 00:00:16,237
Why?
Because it's his birthday.
5
00:00:16,357 --> 00:00:18,357
No, why did you tell him that?
6
00:00:18,387 --> 00:00:20,889
Should have asked me first.
But you love parties.
7
00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:24,009
Other people's parties, when you
can trash their house and leave.
8
00:00:24,010 --> 00:00:25,969
Oh, come on, it's
a party, it'll be fun.
9
00:00:25,970 --> 00:00:28,421
OK. I give you permission.
10
00:00:28,934 --> 00:00:32,449
Good. Because I've already
invited loads of people.
11
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,809
Is this queue even moving?
12
00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:38,249
I'm going to that vintage shop, shall
I meet you at the cafe in an hour?
13
00:00:38,250 --> 00:00:39,290
An hour and five.
14
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:45,210
'Queuing is definitely one of
my least favourite things to do.'
15
00:00:49,770 --> 00:00:51,289
I've got a bomb!
16
00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:58,770
And sleep.
17
00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:08,609
Do-do-do
Come on and do the conga!
18
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,329
Do-do-do...
19
00:01:10,330 --> 00:01:13,049
Come on, move it, move it!
20
00:01:13,050 --> 00:01:15,010
I've got a boner.
21
00:01:18,890 --> 00:01:21,129
Next.
22
00:01:21,130 --> 00:01:23,009
Sorry.
23
00:01:23,010 --> 00:01:25,409
Are you paying by cash
or credit card? Credit card.
24
00:01:25,410 --> 00:01:27,049
I'm sorry, the machine's broken.
25
00:01:27,050 --> 00:01:31,170
I'm afraid you'll have to
use the next till. Sorry.
26
00:01:39,330 --> 00:01:41,650
I've got a bomb!
27
00:02:01,010 --> 00:02:05,529
I was on my way to meet Sam
when I bumped into Brian. Jesus!
28
00:02:05,530 --> 00:02:07,769
I mean, literally bumped into him.
29
00:02:07,770 --> 00:02:10,169
Bri, sorry.
30
00:02:10,170 --> 00:02:11,769
Oh, heya, Don.
31
00:02:11,770 --> 00:02:14,809
Can someone call an ambulance?
An elderly's taken a tumble.
32
00:02:14,810 --> 00:02:16,369
I'm all right, honestly.
33
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,130
Ooh, what's this, then? No, don't...
34
00:02:20,290 --> 00:02:25,410
Wow. It's disgusting. They should never
have made it legal for queers to marry.
35
00:02:27,130 --> 00:02:29,649
Get up, will you?
I've got a rep in this town.
36
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:33,849
You won't say anything about this to Sam, will you?
It's meant to be a surprise.
37
00:02:33,850 --> 00:02:38,049
You're going to propose to her?
Yes, I'm going to pop the question at my birthday party.
38
00:02:38,050 --> 00:02:40,329
She'll never suspect it then.
39
00:02:40,330 --> 00:02:42,489
Ooh, you better hide that quickly.
40
00:02:42,490 --> 00:02:45,769
Please, Don, promise
you won't say anything.
41
00:02:45,770 --> 00:02:47,929
Hey, you two. Hey, sweet pea.
42
00:02:47,930 --> 00:02:50,969
Hey, Sammy. OK, what's going on?
43
00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:53,089
Nothing. We're just...
44
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,969
Shooting the breeze, hey, Don?
45
00:02:54,970 --> 00:02:58,929
Yeah. No, you're both behaving
differently. No, we're not.
46
00:02:58,930 --> 00:03:00,169
Brian, you're old.
47
00:03:00,170 --> 00:03:04,569
Ah, Don, but what's old age when
you consider the alternatives?
48
00:03:04,570 --> 00:03:07,210
See? Just being our classics selves.
49
00:03:08,210 --> 00:03:09,689
Hmm.
50
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:15,689
'It's weird. Finding out about Brian proposing to
Sam made me realise I still had feelings for her.'
51
00:03:15,690 --> 00:03:18,129
Me. You all right?
52
00:03:18,130 --> 00:03:23,289
'I decided to subtly sound her out, see
if I still had a chance with her.'
53
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:28,570
So... Happy with how things
are with you and Bri? Why?
54
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,329
Do you ever think about us?
55
00:03:32,330 --> 00:03:33,849
What?
56
00:03:33,850 --> 00:03:39,209
Us. You know, how we almost got it
on once. What might have happened?
57
00:03:39,210 --> 00:03:43,609
Don, we've been down this road
before. It would never have worked.
58
00:03:43,610 --> 00:03:45,569
You have too many issues.
59
00:03:45,570 --> 00:03:50,089
Excuse me, madam, but I don't have
any issues. I could name a dozen.
60
00:03:50,090 --> 00:03:54,489
You think you could name ten? Well,
fine, be my guest, shoot. OK.
61
00:03:54,490 --> 00:03:56,729
One, you're afraid of commitment.
62
00:03:56,730 --> 00:03:59,929
Could we do this alphabetically, it
won't seem like there's as many.
63
00:03:59,930 --> 00:04:01,769
Two, you have no attention span.
64
00:04:01,770 --> 00:04:04,769
Fine, stick with numbers.
Three, you're self-obsessed.
65
00:04:04,770 --> 00:04:07,689
Wow, you're really ploughing
through these. Four, you're vain.
66
00:04:07,690 --> 00:04:10,969
No, I'm not. Five,
you have slightly crooked teeth.
67
00:04:10,970 --> 00:04:13,129
Ow. You evil bitch.
68
00:04:13,130 --> 00:04:16,569
See. Six...
Six? Sorry, you're already at six?
69
00:04:16,570 --> 00:04:20,649
You don't listen to other people.
Seven. Whoa, shush, shush now.
70
00:04:20,650 --> 00:04:24,649
These aren't issues,
they're just charming foobles.
71
00:04:24,650 --> 00:04:28,649
Eight, you use words that you don't
understand. It's foibles, you dick.
72
00:04:28,650 --> 00:04:31,129
OK, answer me this.
73
00:04:31,130 --> 00:04:33,089
What's so special about Brian?
74
00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:36,369
Nine, when you're in a corner
like this, you turn it back on me.
75
00:04:36,370 --> 00:04:38,489
I'm genuinely fascinated.
76
00:04:38,490 --> 00:04:40,689
What's so great about him?
77
00:04:40,690 --> 00:04:44,609
Well, he's smart and reliable.
78
00:04:44,610 --> 00:04:47,529
You sound like you're
describing a car. And funny.
79
00:04:47,530 --> 00:04:49,970
Some cars are funny. And I love him.
80
00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:53,410
Do you?
81
00:04:54,930 --> 00:04:56,690
Yeah.
82
00:04:57,650 --> 00:05:00,049
Hmm. Anyway, why are
you bringing all this up?
83
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,409
What's all this about? No reason.
84
00:05:02,410 --> 00:05:05,169
It doesn't matter.
85
00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:08,169
By the way, you didn't get to ten.
86
00:05:08,170 --> 00:05:11,210
When I think of it, I'll be
sure to tell you, believe me.
87
00:05:14,050 --> 00:05:17,089
I guess I never took their
relationship seriously.
88
00:05:17,090 --> 00:05:19,009
I thought they
would've split up by now.
89
00:05:19,010 --> 00:05:21,569
I chase Abby for
years and get nowhere.
90
00:05:21,570 --> 00:05:23,289
Now I've blown it with Sam.
91
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,730
I mean, anyone would think
I'm rubbish with chicks.
92
00:05:27,330 --> 00:05:29,969
I'll pretend I didn't see that.
93
00:05:29,970 --> 00:05:32,249
Well, maybe you need
to change your approach.
94
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:35,929
What? I'm just saying, "chicks"
95
00:05:35,930 --> 00:05:39,089
is a derogatory term.
Women might think you're sexist.
96
00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:43,289
That's ridiculous. I've got
nothing against sex, I love it.
97
00:05:43,290 --> 00:05:45,649
Have you considered
seeing a therapist?
98
00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:48,209
Whoa, there, babyface,
I'm not insane.
99
00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:51,450
You don't have to be insane
to be in therapy. But it helps!
100
00:05:53,170 --> 00:05:58,089
Speaking to someone who has an objective view
can be really useful. I do it all the time.
101
00:05:58,090 --> 00:06:00,489
Really? Absolulu.
102
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:04,489
Mrs Treacher always says,
"Life is like a box of chocolates.
103
00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:07,849
"You start with a tasty full pack and
then slowly all the good stuff goes
104
00:06:07,850 --> 00:06:11,329
"until you're left with
the crap that no-one else wants."
105
00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:14,210
I don't know what's wrong
with her, she so pessimistic.
106
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:18,489
It's great. I always feel
loads lighter afterwards.
107
00:06:18,490 --> 00:06:22,049
Hmm. Therapy, eh?
108
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:24,489
At least work's been fun recently.
109
00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:27,609
A new exhibition just opened.
That's not oil on canvas.
110
00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:30,769
That's in fact ketchup on canvas.
111
00:06:30,770 --> 00:06:34,569
He uses food in everything he does.
Mmm.
112
00:06:34,570 --> 00:06:38,329
What did you say the artist's name
was? His name is Richard Sumwun.
113
00:06:38,330 --> 00:06:41,369
Oh, this is a joke,
you should at least know his name.
114
00:06:41,370 --> 00:06:45,529
Yeah, I just said, Richard Sumwun.
Look.
115
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:48,769
So rude.
116
00:06:48,770 --> 00:06:51,329
This is a
fascinating piece by Sumwun.
117
00:06:51,330 --> 00:06:54,010
It's made entirely of confectionery.
118
00:06:57,010 --> 00:06:59,529
Should you be eating his work?
119
00:06:59,530 --> 00:07:02,329
Probably not, no.
120
00:07:02,330 --> 00:07:04,249
It's nice.
121
00:07:04,250 --> 00:07:09,290
Now, I would show you the chocolate badger -
that's not a euphemism by the way...
122
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,449
OK.
123
00:07:12,450 --> 00:07:19,329
But, unfortunately,
it was stolen earlier, so no can do.
124
00:07:19,330 --> 00:07:22,970
You lot, take a little wander,
I'll be back to get you in a second.
125
00:07:24,810 --> 00:07:27,809
Hey, what are you doing here?
126
00:07:27,810 --> 00:07:30,569
Come for a swim. What do you
think we're doing here, you idiot?
127
00:07:30,570 --> 00:07:35,169
So, this is all Sumwun's work.
Yes, his name's Richard Sumwun.
128
00:07:35,170 --> 00:07:37,569
I just said that.
He's an old friend of mine.
129
00:07:37,570 --> 00:07:39,809
Really, you're friends with Sumwun?
130
00:07:39,810 --> 00:07:42,489
Yes, I've got friends, Don.
But you're friends with Sumwun?
131
00:07:42,490 --> 00:07:45,730
If you don't mind,
we might just look around ourselves.
132
00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:51,089
Why have you left your group?
133
00:07:51,090 --> 00:07:52,809
All right, Jase, jeez.
134
00:07:52,810 --> 00:07:54,729
What is it, time of the month?
135
00:07:54,730 --> 00:07:58,729
Somebody keeps eating all of Sumwun's
work and it's doing my head in.
136
00:07:58,730 --> 00:08:00,809
And they've taken
the chocolate badger.
137
00:08:00,810 --> 00:08:03,449
Yeah. I caught a kid licking
his sweet cock earlier.
138
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,969
Just keep your eyes peeled, OK?
139
00:08:05,970 --> 00:08:08,250
Hey, I'm on it.
140
00:08:23,010 --> 00:08:24,889
Pssst!
141
00:08:24,890 --> 00:08:26,410
Hello, matey.
142
00:08:28,690 --> 00:08:31,250
Can we have a word? Shoot.
143
00:08:33,410 --> 00:08:36,209
Um... Don't know how to say this.
144
00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:38,729
Look, you work in
psychology and shit, right?
145
00:08:38,730 --> 00:08:40,929
Just psychology.
146
00:08:40,930 --> 00:08:43,369
Ha, very funny. But seriously.
147
00:08:43,370 --> 00:08:45,289
You know therapists, yeah?
148
00:08:45,290 --> 00:08:47,529
You want to see a therapist? Ssshh!
149
00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:49,369
No, no, not for me.
150
00:08:49,370 --> 00:08:52,689
No, it's for...him.
151
00:08:52,690 --> 00:08:54,209
He's nuts in the mind.
152
00:08:54,210 --> 00:08:57,409
So you want me to recommend
someone to you, for him?
153
00:08:57,410 --> 00:08:59,409
That's it, yeah.
154
00:08:59,410 --> 00:09:01,929
I know just the person
for HIS kind of issues.
155
00:09:01,930 --> 00:09:03,849
How do you know what his issues are?
156
00:09:03,850 --> 00:09:07,369
Fear of intimacy, fear of
commitment, never knew his parents.
157
00:09:07,370 --> 00:09:09,329
Yeah, that's it!
158
00:09:09,330 --> 00:09:12,089
Shit, you're good at this.
His name's Craig Pearson.
159
00:09:12,090 --> 00:09:14,490
He will be perfect for you, Don.
160
00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:18,369
You won't tell anyone
about this, will you?
161
00:09:18,370 --> 00:09:22,290
You're holding one hell of a secret
for me, it's the least I can do.
162
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:28,729
'And so I made an appointment to
see this shrink, Craig Pearson.
163
00:09:28,730 --> 00:09:30,449
'Don't tell anyone, yeah?'
164
00:09:30,450 --> 00:09:33,130
It really would help
if I could see your eyes.
165
00:09:39,850 --> 00:09:41,889
You don't trust this process,
do you?
166
00:09:41,890 --> 00:09:43,529
What makes you say that?
167
00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:46,969
Well, for a start, you gave a false
name to my receptionist. No, I didn't.
168
00:09:46,970 --> 00:09:49,369
So your name's Rajesh, is it?
169
00:09:49,370 --> 00:09:52,169
Yeah! 'Damn, this guy was good.'
170
00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:56,249
You know, there's this thing we call
doctor-patient confidentiality.
171
00:09:56,250 --> 00:10:00,049
So, whatever happens in
this room stays in this room.
172
00:10:00,050 --> 00:10:01,729
Right.
173
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:10,009
Well, what if I was sat here with my eyes
closed and you tried kissing my penis?
174
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,329
Could I tell on you, or does
that stay in this room, too?
175
00:10:13,330 --> 00:10:18,890
No, you would be able to tell on me,
because that would be improper.
176
00:10:21,730 --> 00:10:24,809
Are you worried that I'm
going to kiss your penis? No.
177
00:10:24,810 --> 00:10:26,769
Do you want to kiss my penis?
178
00:10:26,770 --> 00:10:28,290
No.
179
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:35,289
Why did you come here, Rajesh?
180
00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:39,370
I'm not nuts in the mind, if that's what you're asking.
That's not what I'm asking.
181
00:10:41,770 --> 00:10:44,129
OK, well...
182
00:10:44,130 --> 00:10:49,289
I've been having a
bit of lady pain recently.
183
00:10:49,290 --> 00:10:55,169
I've been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'm
doing something wrong in the love department.
184
00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:57,969
I know, I know. Crazy!
185
00:10:57,970 --> 00:11:04,129
Tell me a bit about your
upbringing, childhood, etc.
186
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,849
OK, but I'm not like all
the crazy people you see in here.
187
00:11:06,850 --> 00:11:10,850
I'm not going to start flinging
my bum rubbish at the walls.
188
00:11:12,490 --> 00:11:15,729
OK, well, I never knew my mother.
189
00:11:15,730 --> 00:11:19,289
She died during childbirth.
190
00:11:19,290 --> 00:11:20,969
Hmm. And your father?
191
00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:23,810
He also died. During childbirth.
192
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:29,929
So, you never knew your parents?
193
00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:31,650
No, I didn't!
194
00:11:33,810 --> 00:11:36,410
Ah, Jesus Christ! I never knew them.
195
00:11:39,010 --> 00:11:41,689
Argh!
196
00:11:41,690 --> 00:11:43,210
ARGH!
197
00:11:45,450 --> 00:11:47,489
Argh! Mummy!
198
00:11:47,490 --> 00:11:49,489
Ah, Daddy!
199
00:11:49,490 --> 00:11:53,529
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
200
00:11:53,530 --> 00:11:55,969
Right, time's up.
201
00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:57,649
What?
202
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,329
I thought we had 50 minutes.
203
00:11:59,330 --> 00:12:01,889
Been and gone, I'm afraid.
204
00:12:01,890 --> 00:12:04,449
Wow! That was amazing.
205
00:12:04,450 --> 00:12:07,089
I feel like I just ejaculated
my feelings all over you.
206
00:12:07,090 --> 00:12:11,209
Now I'm all warm and fuzzy.
207
00:12:11,210 --> 00:12:14,529
When can I come back?
Well, Rajesh, normally I suggest...
208
00:12:14,530 --> 00:12:17,089
Tomorrow? That you come back...
Tomorrow? No, every...
209
00:12:17,090 --> 00:12:21,249
Day? No, every... Other?
No, Rajesh, no!
210
00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:24,049
I'm sorry.
211
00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:28,329
Look, if you want to come tomorrow,
that's fine.
212
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:31,170
We'll see how that works. OK?
213
00:12:34,610 --> 00:12:36,490
I love you.
214
00:12:43,450 --> 00:12:45,889
Hey guys,
Guess whose birthday it is today?
215
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,849
Terry Nutkins'?
216
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,929
Erm, no. Happy birthday, Brian.
217
00:12:50,930 --> 00:12:54,529
Thanks, Don. So, did they
send you your free bus pass?
218
00:12:54,530 --> 00:12:56,969
No, but I got a lovely
letter from the Queen!
219
00:12:56,970 --> 00:12:59,969
Actually, Brian, I did get
you a little something. Aww!
220
00:12:59,970 --> 00:13:02,209
Yeah.
221
00:13:02,210 --> 00:13:05,129
There you go. Towards a pint.
222
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:08,489
Oh, thanks. He doesn't drink, Don.
223
00:13:08,490 --> 00:13:10,449
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
224
00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:13,769
Well, just download
a song on iTunes from me.
225
00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:17,089
Thanks, Don, that's
very kind of you.
226
00:13:17,090 --> 00:13:18,969
We've got our costumes for the party.
227
00:13:18,970 --> 00:13:22,489
Do you know what you're coming as?
You never said it was fancy dress.
228
00:13:22,490 --> 00:13:26,889
Ten - you hate fancy dress parties.
That doesn't count. Loads of people hate them.
229
00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,130
How could anyone hate fancy dress?
230
00:13:31,650 --> 00:13:33,010
Hey you!
231
00:13:36,130 --> 00:13:38,729
Sorry, I thought you
were someone else. Yeah!
232
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,889
Look, I've got to say, Great mask.
233
00:13:40,890 --> 00:13:42,730
I mean, it's really convincing.
234
00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:46,330
This isn't a mask?
235
00:13:47,290 --> 00:13:51,529
Hey, Eddie, keep Nigel busy. I'm
going to flirt with his girlfriend.
236
00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:54,769
She's been giving the eyes
all night. There you go, Don.
237
00:13:54,770 --> 00:13:57,609
And one for you, Nigel.
238
00:13:57,610 --> 00:14:03,289
You're inconsiderate, ugly and I can't believe
you have turned up in the same costume as me.
239
00:14:03,290 --> 00:14:04,769
Oh.
240
00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:06,689
Anyway, I never know who to go as.
241
00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:10,209
Don't be a killjoy.
Ooh, yeah, maybe I'll go as killjoy.
242
00:14:10,210 --> 00:14:12,049
Who? Robert Killjoy-Silk.
243
00:14:12,050 --> 00:14:15,849
The orange TV presenter.
That's Kilroy, not killjoy.
244
00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:18,009
And besides,
you have to come with someone.
245
00:14:18,010 --> 00:14:21,650
The theme is famous movie double acts.
Or couples. Come on, you.
246
00:14:26,330 --> 00:14:28,889
Let's dump this.
I hate fancy dress, too.
247
00:14:28,890 --> 00:14:30,689
What are you complaining about?
248
00:14:30,690 --> 00:14:33,969
You don't even need a costume,
and you can go as loads of people.
249
00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:38,649
Gollum, Dobby,
Ronnie Corbett, Alf, ET.
250
00:14:38,650 --> 00:14:40,769
It's couples, remember.
251
00:14:40,770 --> 00:14:42,689
Oh, yeah.
252
00:14:42,690 --> 00:14:44,250
Jimmy Krankie?
253
00:14:46,330 --> 00:14:49,769
In order to move forward,
I need you to be open with me.
254
00:14:49,770 --> 00:14:51,489
Are you prepared to do that?
255
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,129
Yes.
256
00:14:53,130 --> 00:14:55,449
Yes, I am. Good.
257
00:14:55,450 --> 00:14:57,569
So. What's your actual name?
258
00:14:57,570 --> 00:14:59,249
Rajesh Patel.
259
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:01,569
Yes, but your real name is?
260
00:15:01,570 --> 00:15:03,730
Rajesh Patel?
261
00:15:04,290 --> 00:15:05,849
OK.
262
00:15:05,850 --> 00:15:08,689
You came here before.
263
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:11,730
You said you were
having some lady pain.
264
00:15:12,610 --> 00:15:15,689
What is it?
Can I go to the toilet, please?
265
00:15:15,690 --> 00:15:18,090
Of course.
You don't need to put your hand up.
266
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:24,089
Put everything on hold, yeah? This
is your own time you're eating up.
267
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,889
I have an appointment straight after.
I'm paying a fortune for this.
268
00:15:27,890 --> 00:15:29,650
Don't want to eat up 20 minutes.
269
00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:36,609
The difference between Sam and Abby
is, I actually got to know Sam.
270
00:15:36,610 --> 00:15:39,449
She wasn't just a
fantasy, like Abby was.
271
00:15:39,450 --> 00:15:41,249
We had a proper connection.
272
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:46,369
I've never had a proper
connection with a girl before.
273
00:15:46,370 --> 00:15:50,569
I know that it sounds gay, but that kiss
with Sam was the best kiss I've ever had.
274
00:15:50,570 --> 00:15:52,849
Except for my first kiss, obviously.
275
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:55,929
That was something else. I was 12.
276
00:15:55,930 --> 00:15:57,529
She was 42.
277
00:15:57,530 --> 00:15:59,969
Mrs Prendergast was her name.
278
00:15:59,970 --> 00:16:01,569
She taught me geography.
279
00:16:01,570 --> 00:16:05,809
Well, not for long. She was
fired for statutory rape.
280
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:11,489
Are you still there? Yes.
281
00:16:11,490 --> 00:16:13,890
This is actually very therapeutic.
282
00:16:15,730 --> 00:16:19,249
You know, when I was 13,
I could suck my own prick.
283
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:20,889
Don't know how.
284
00:16:20,890 --> 00:16:23,689
Probably something to do
with the way my body was growing.
285
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:26,209
You often talk about your penis.
286
00:16:26,210 --> 00:16:28,729
Are you aware of that? Yeah, well.
287
00:16:28,730 --> 00:16:33,210
We've spent a lot of time together.
Haven't we?
288
00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:44,329
Don?
289
00:16:44,330 --> 00:16:50,809
We're closing up. Um,
I'm just checking everything's done.
290
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:54,449
Well, everything's done all right.
Sumwun's pulling this exhibition.
291
00:16:54,450 --> 00:16:56,089
People keep eating his work.
292
00:16:56,090 --> 00:16:58,649
But I put... Somebody
put the chocolate badger back.
293
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:02,969
Yeah, well, who ever it was bit
its face off, munched on its groin.
294
00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:10,009
Why are you still here? Brian's going
to propose to Sam tonight. In my house.
295
00:17:10,010 --> 00:17:14,609
She's probably going to make
a terrible mistake by saying yes.
296
00:17:14,610 --> 00:17:16,930
I don't want to be
there to witness it.
297
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:20,250
Right. See you Monday.
298
00:17:22,370 --> 00:17:23,890
Yeah, see you later.
299
00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:30,889
Can't believe I'm doing this. Don!
What?
300
00:17:30,890 --> 00:17:33,089
You like this girl, right?
301
00:17:33,090 --> 00:17:37,089
Yeah. But it's too late.
I've already blown it.
302
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:40,569
Not if he hasn't proposed yet.
Why don't you go over and tell her how you feel?
303
00:17:40,570 --> 00:17:42,729
I can't. Why?
304
00:17:42,730 --> 00:17:45,369
Cos it's a fancy dress party
and I haven't got a costume.
305
00:17:45,370 --> 00:17:48,889
I'm sure you can chuck
something together. Yeah, but...
306
00:17:48,890 --> 00:17:53,449
What would we go as?
Woah! What do you mean "we"?
307
00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:55,889
Well, the theme's double-acts.
308
00:17:55,890 --> 00:17:59,409
No way.
Come on, we'd be great together.
309
00:17:59,410 --> 00:18:01,129
We could go as Lethal Weapon.
310
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,369
Just cos I'm black
and you're white?
311
00:18:03,370 --> 00:18:06,449
No, because I'm a maverick and
you're boring. Do you want my help?
312
00:18:06,450 --> 00:18:08,129
Sorry.
313
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:11,569
Come on, please. I really like her.
314
00:18:11,570 --> 00:18:13,969
Please.
315
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:16,729
OK. Yes! I'll come with you.
316
00:18:16,730 --> 00:18:19,249
Excellent. So, Lethal Weapon, yeah?
317
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:21,369
It's just a bit predictable.
318
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:23,010
Not necessarily...
319
00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:28,849
Wow! Look at you guys!
320
00:18:28,850 --> 00:18:31,729
Sorry, who are you meant to be?
We're Riggs and Murtough
321
00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:33,409
from Lethal Weapon.
322
00:18:33,410 --> 00:18:36,849
Oh yeah! But you're Danny
Glover so you must be...?
323
00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:38,489
Regretting this?
324
00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:40,329
Can I offer you a drink,
Master Glover?
325
00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:43,329
C3PO at your service. It's great!
326
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:46,289
I've never noticed it before,
but you are actually a gay robot.
327
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,169
It's amazing!
Treacher must be with you, right?
328
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:52,129
Yes, she looks wonderful.
Here she is.
329
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:56,329
All right. Shouldn't you be R2D2?
330
00:18:56,330 --> 00:18:58,409
Yeah! Why are you dressed as Yoda?
331
00:18:58,410 --> 00:19:00,969
I thought you'd like it, you
always saying I look like her.
332
00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:05,849
Her? Have either of you even
seen Star Wars? Oh, fuck off.
333
00:19:05,850 --> 00:19:07,169
I'd better go and mingle.
334
00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:09,929
I need to get the drinks.
335
00:19:09,930 --> 00:19:11,569
Brian seems like a nice guy.
336
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:16,129
Don't say that! I'm about to try and break them
up and confess my feelings to his girlfriend.
337
00:19:16,130 --> 00:19:18,090
Where is she? I don't know.
338
00:19:19,610 --> 00:19:22,449
Ah, there she is.
339
00:19:22,450 --> 00:19:25,209
Wow! I see why you're so keen now.
340
00:19:25,210 --> 00:19:28,089
Oi! Hands off, Riggs. She's mine.
341
00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:30,609
No, she's not. She's Brian's.
342
00:19:30,610 --> 00:19:32,410
All right, wise guy.
343
00:19:34,450 --> 00:19:37,769
You're a teacher as well, then? No.
Are you not? No.
344
00:19:37,770 --> 00:19:41,369
Hey! Hi!
345
00:19:41,370 --> 00:19:45,969
Right... Er... It's me.
346
00:19:45,970 --> 00:19:47,489
Don! Yeah.
347
00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:49,449
Well, Danny Glover, actually.
348
00:19:49,450 --> 00:19:51,969
Oh, my God, you look amazing!
349
00:19:51,970 --> 00:19:54,209
No, you look amazing!
350
00:19:54,210 --> 00:19:55,889
Don't! Don, this is Craig.
351
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:59,609
So it's Don, not Rajesh then?
352
00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:03,129
Craig? Rajesh?
How are you, Don?
353
00:20:03,130 --> 00:20:05,329
Do you two know each other? No!
354
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:08,609
Yeah, but not really...
355
00:20:08,610 --> 00:20:10,929
OK. Weirdo.
356
00:20:10,930 --> 00:20:14,450
I'm going to get another drink.
I'll catch up with you later, Don.
357
00:20:15,970 --> 00:20:17,729
What's he doing here?
358
00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:20,729
He's a friend of Brian's.
What's your problem?
359
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:26,449
No problem, no, it just...annoys
me that he came as Avatar.
360
00:20:26,450 --> 00:20:27,969
Not that again!
361
00:20:27,970 --> 00:20:33,210
Don, I told you at the time, I don't care if you
think it's a rip-off of Dances With Wolves.
362
00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:37,449
It was a rip-off.
363
00:20:37,450 --> 00:20:40,889
'I couldn't believe
my therapist was here.
364
00:20:40,890 --> 00:20:43,809
'I had to make sure he wasn't
going to tell Brian about me.
365
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:49,609
'He knew all about my feelings
for Sam.' What are you doing here?
366
00:20:49,610 --> 00:20:52,729
I was invited here by Samantha.
367
00:20:52,730 --> 00:20:55,809
Oh, sorry, I thought you were...
368
00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:58,689
You know someone
else has come as that?
369
00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:01,769
Oh! You thought I was Craig?
370
00:21:01,770 --> 00:21:04,809
How funny! No, he's my partner.
371
00:21:04,810 --> 00:21:06,729
We're the Na'vi couple.
372
00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:12,209
Right. We had a tiny row before we
left about who would be Neytiri.
373
00:21:12,210 --> 00:21:14,530
Whatever.
You know, the female Na'vi?
374
00:21:17,890 --> 00:21:20,329
Here he is, Donny Glover.
375
00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:22,009
Why did you invite Craig Pearson?
376
00:21:22,010 --> 00:21:24,489
I didn't, Sam did.
What's the problem?
377
00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:26,089
This is very weird for me.
378
00:21:26,090 --> 00:21:28,329
He's my...therapist. I know.
379
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,649
I'm the one who suggested him.
380
00:21:30,650 --> 00:21:34,209
He knows stuff about me.
Stuff I don't want people knowing.
381
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,729
He's a professional,
he's not going to say anything.
382
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:41,769
I'm thinking of popping the question
to Sam in a minute. What do you think?
383
00:21:41,770 --> 00:21:43,409
Er... No, no, no.
384
00:21:43,410 --> 00:21:45,289
Give it half an hour.
385
00:21:45,290 --> 00:21:49,089
But she's starting to get drunk.
Better to do it before...
386
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,970
You know how she...gets.
387
00:21:53,930 --> 00:21:57,689
Have you spoken to her yet?
Back off all right, I've got a lot on my plate!
388
00:21:57,690 --> 00:22:01,849
I was only asking! I'm here
doing you a favour, remember!
389
00:22:01,850 --> 00:22:05,130
We are so like Lethal Weapon -
it's brilliant.
390
00:22:07,810 --> 00:22:10,609
Hey. Hello! One second...
391
00:22:10,610 --> 00:22:13,010
Yeah but I've... Yeah, I'll be
back in a minute.
392
00:22:15,530 --> 00:22:16,849
Why are you here?
393
00:22:16,850 --> 00:22:20,489
Sam said I could help myself to
a drink. It's you again.
394
00:22:20,490 --> 00:22:22,170
Do you want me to put it back?
395
00:22:24,890 --> 00:22:26,329
Sam, can I have a quick word?
396
00:22:26,770 --> 00:22:28,930
Oh! I love this one!
397
00:22:46,130 --> 00:22:47,169
Want one?
398
00:22:47,170 --> 00:22:50,489
Nice little sharpener.
Holy batty sleeves.
399
00:22:50,490 --> 00:22:53,450
That's something I never
thought I'd see.
400
00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:57,049
Have you seen a Na'vi round here?
401
00:22:57,050 --> 00:22:59,450
He's in there.
402
00:23:02,010 --> 00:23:05,089
Why did you come here?
Because I needed to poop.
403
00:23:05,090 --> 00:23:07,009
God, it's always you!
404
00:23:07,010 --> 00:23:08,970
Have I done something to upset you?
405
00:23:11,130 --> 00:23:15,169
Wow. How did you do that?
That's like transportation.
406
00:23:15,170 --> 00:23:17,329
Are you OK, Don? Craig?
407
00:23:17,330 --> 00:23:19,009
Yes. I thought you were Alan.
408
00:23:19,010 --> 00:23:22,529
So you've met my husband then? Yeah.
You never told me you were gay.
409
00:23:22,530 --> 00:23:25,289
Does that matter? No, of course not.
410
00:23:25,290 --> 00:23:28,169
You haven't spoken to Brian about me,
have you? What do you mean?
411
00:23:28,170 --> 00:23:34,609
The stuff we talk about in our sessions, sucking
my own penis, scared of women taller than me.
412
00:23:34,610 --> 00:23:39,009
Oh, and the Sam that I mentioned in therapy
isn't the same Sam that Brian's seeing.
413
00:23:39,010 --> 00:23:43,129
Don, I take the confidentiality
rule very seriously.
414
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,889
Yeah, but what if you get drunk?
415
00:23:45,890 --> 00:23:48,329
Come on, Craig. We're going. Why?
416
00:23:48,330 --> 00:23:49,929
He doesn't want me here.
417
00:23:49,930 --> 00:23:51,609
What? Don't be silly!
418
00:23:51,610 --> 00:23:56,369
Why do you keep asking why I'm here?
Why do you keep following me and being rude? Oh, come on.
419
00:23:56,370 --> 00:23:58,489
Don't throw another hissy fit.
420
00:23:58,490 --> 00:24:00,209
Another hissy fit?
421
00:24:00,210 --> 00:24:03,409
How would you like it if your
partner suggested you should be
422
00:24:03,410 --> 00:24:07,969
the female because, and I quote, your
body is more feminine than mine?
423
00:24:07,970 --> 00:24:11,369
I'm just going to go this way.
424
00:24:11,370 --> 00:24:14,249
You have curvier hips, that's all.
425
00:24:14,250 --> 00:24:15,929
It's not a bad thing.
426
00:24:15,930 --> 00:24:18,370
You're saying I'm fat. I know it.
427
00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:26,769
I am well in there with those two
although I'm a bit worried
428
00:24:26,770 --> 00:24:29,129
they only like me
because they think I'm white.
429
00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:32,609
I'm sure that's not true.
They'll be fine when you tell them you're black.
430
00:24:32,610 --> 00:24:35,530
Don, I was joking. Oh.
431
00:24:36,690 --> 00:24:39,449
Maybe I should just leave it.
432
00:24:39,450 --> 00:24:42,969
So all of this was for nothing?
What if she doesn't feel the same?
433
00:24:42,970 --> 00:24:46,249
Then it'll be really awkward living
with her. It doesn't matter.
434
00:24:46,250 --> 00:24:51,249
She says yes to him,
she won't be living here. I knew it.
435
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:55,410
He promised he wouldn't say
anything but he just couldn't resist.
436
00:24:58,170 --> 00:25:01,329
Hey. We need to talk. In a minute.
Please, it won't take long.
437
00:25:01,330 --> 00:25:02,369
What is it?
438
00:25:02,370 --> 00:25:06,529
Let's go outside. Whatever you've
got to say, just say it here.
439
00:25:06,530 --> 00:25:09,529
I can't. It needs to be in
private and it needs to be now.
440
00:25:09,530 --> 00:25:15,089
Because? Because
Brian's about to propose to you...
441
00:25:15,090 --> 00:25:19,449
Don!
Shit. Is this a joke?
442
00:25:19,450 --> 00:25:23,849
I thought we had a deal. So did I,
but you and Craig couldn't resist.
443
00:25:23,850 --> 00:25:28,369
Resist what? Can someone please tell
me what's going on? Talking shop!
444
00:25:28,370 --> 00:25:30,209
Gossiping about me and my issues.
445
00:25:30,210 --> 00:25:32,209
Is that why you suggested him to me?
446
00:25:32,210 --> 00:25:34,449
So you could both have a laugh?
447
00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:38,969
I thought you were meant to be a
decent guy, Brian. Are you finished?
448
00:25:38,970 --> 00:25:41,090
This is Alan, that's Craig.
449
00:25:42,130 --> 00:25:47,849
Hi, Don. What? No, no, no.
I...I saw you both talking about me.
450
00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:49,449
You kept pointing at me.
451
00:25:49,450 --> 00:25:52,689
I was telling him how you've
been picking on me all night.
452
00:25:52,690 --> 00:25:55,849
He was worried you
might be a homophobe.
453
00:25:55,850 --> 00:25:57,529
I'm not! I'm not.
454
00:25:57,530 --> 00:25:59,089
I even tried being gay once.
455
00:25:59,090 --> 00:26:00,929
I let Sam's brother suck me off.
456
00:26:00,930 --> 00:26:02,889
What? Nothing.
457
00:26:02,890 --> 00:26:05,969
Tried being gay.
458
00:26:05,970 --> 00:26:09,849
Alan, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to offend you.
459
00:26:09,850 --> 00:26:11,449
You be as gay as you like.
460
00:26:11,450 --> 00:26:16,409
And Brian, I'm really sorry.
461
00:26:16,410 --> 00:26:21,569
Come on, hey, wooh,
let's get the party going! Come on.
462
00:26:21,570 --> 00:26:23,129
So, it's true?
463
00:26:23,130 --> 00:26:24,729
You were going to propose to me?
464
00:26:24,730 --> 00:26:27,890
Come on, let's talk outside.
465
00:26:30,010 --> 00:26:34,850
And by the way, Don.
Ten - you are a total arse.
466
00:26:37,010 --> 00:26:40,449
I think we should up
our sessions to twice a week.
467
00:26:40,450 --> 00:26:45,490
I think we should down them
to none a week, thank you very much.
468
00:26:48,210 --> 00:26:50,809
Come on, be honest.
Do I look like a prick now?
469
00:26:50,810 --> 00:26:52,850
Of course you do -
you're blacked up.
470
00:26:54,370 --> 00:26:56,689
No, because of what just happened.
471
00:26:56,690 --> 00:26:59,009
Oh. Probably.
472
00:26:59,010 --> 00:27:01,129
Sorry, I feel partly responsible.
473
00:27:01,130 --> 00:27:02,889
Partly?
474
00:27:02,890 --> 00:27:05,649
Don. Thanks, Eddie.
475
00:27:05,650 --> 00:27:08,130
Do you think he's still
going to propose to her?
476
00:27:14,810 --> 00:27:19,410
I can read the signs
Stay right with it
477
00:27:20,730 --> 00:27:22,730
When the road unwinds
478
00:27:23,250 --> 00:27:24,730
I can handle whatever
479
00:27:25,410 --> 00:27:28,050
I stumble upon
480
00:27:29,570 --> 00:27:31,650
I don't even notice...
481
00:27:33,250 --> 00:27:36,049
I'm too old for this shit.
482
00:27:36,050 --> 00:27:38,450
Most of the time
483
00:27:49,090 --> 00:27:50,930
Most of the time
484
00:27:53,810 --> 00:27:57,450
It's well understood
most of the time
485
00:28:00,130 --> 00:28:02,370
I wouldn't change it
if I could...
486
00:28:02,420 --> 00:28:06,970
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