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1
00:00:05,070 --> 00:00:10,070
'I got asked for money by a beggar
today.' Spare some change? 'I did what any normal person does.'
2
00:00:10,070 --> 00:00:12,670
Hmm, sorry.
'I pretended I didn't have any.'
3
00:00:12,670 --> 00:00:16,710
'It's weird. It's totally acceptable
to not care about homeless people.'
4
00:00:16,710 --> 00:00:19,390
This programme
contains some strong language
5
00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:24,790
My husband's just had
a heart attack. Can I use your phone to call an ambulance?
6
00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:28,590
Hmm, sorry. I've just been fired.
My wife's left me for another man.
7
00:00:28,590 --> 00:00:32,870
Please, tell me it's be
going to be all right? Hmm, sorry.
8
00:00:34,470 --> 00:00:37,470
GUNSHOT
Argh! Don, Don!
9
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:38,590
My arm! It's on fire!
10
00:00:38,590 --> 00:00:40,150
Do something!
11
00:00:40,150 --> 00:00:41,470
Hmm, sorry.
12
00:00:41,470 --> 00:00:45,390
Look, Don, Brian's away for
the weekend and I'm desperate for some sex.
13
00:00:45,390 --> 00:00:47,310
No strings, no-one needs to know.
14
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:48,950
What do you think, can you help?
15
00:00:50,190 --> 00:00:51,590
Hmm, sorry.
16
00:00:52,830 --> 00:00:55,190
Well, enjoy the coffee then,
you prick.
17
00:00:55,190 --> 00:00:58,190
Some of us can't afford a
nice mocha frappa-choco-chino,
18
00:00:58,190 --> 00:01:01,910
with hazelnut syrup, extra cream,
and tasty broken biscuity toppings!
19
00:01:01,910 --> 00:01:04,150
Well, it's just
your average latte, mate.
20
00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:07,430
Don't worry about him. His
interpersonal skills aren't great.
21
00:01:07,430 --> 00:01:10,150
He's terrifying, isn't he?
Who, Pete Doherty?
22
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:13,710
Nah. He's harmless. Just never
got the basic rule of begging -
23
00:01:13,710 --> 00:01:17,670
don't frighten the person
you're asking for money.
24
00:01:17,670 --> 00:01:20,470
Yeah. Have this.
25
00:01:20,470 --> 00:01:25,510
Oh, thanks. Oh, right, I see. What,
you've give her some, have you?
26
00:01:25,510 --> 00:01:27,630
What, cos she's a bird?
You're a sexist.
27
00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:29,510
I'm just going to...urm...
28
00:01:29,510 --> 00:01:30,710
Please don't hurt me!
29
00:01:49,590 --> 00:01:53,510
He had the biggest knees I've ever
seen on a person... Huge! How do you know?
30
00:01:54,010 --> 00:01:56,010
Well, cos I just saw
them in the flesh.
31
00:01:56,010 --> 00:02:01,050
Shit, I've got to go and meet Brian.
Has he asked to see you after class?
32
00:02:01,050 --> 00:02:03,410
You joke, but he has said
that to me before.
33
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:07,810
During sex. I quite liked it.
Eurgh, I don't want to hear that.
34
00:02:07,810 --> 00:02:12,330
He's an excellent lover.
Very attentive. Stop it. Why does it bother you so much?
35
00:02:12,330 --> 00:02:15,810
I don't want to know what Uncle
Bri's like in the bedroom, thanks.
36
00:02:15,810 --> 00:02:19,090
I certainly don't want to know
he's some brilliant quim ninja.
37
00:02:19,090 --> 00:02:20,850
You still don't like him, do you?
38
00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:23,370
If you gave him a chance
and went out with him,
39
00:02:23,370 --> 00:02:26,010
you'd be surprised at how
much fun you'd have.
40
00:02:26,010 --> 00:02:30,450
Hang on, "quim ninja"?
That is disgusting, Donald.
41
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:32,170
All right?
42
00:02:32,170 --> 00:02:34,330
Oh, hey. How's it going?
43
00:02:34,330 --> 00:02:36,130
Not bad, considering.
44
00:02:36,130 --> 00:02:39,770
Pete Doherty's stopped being
such a dick. Well, that's good news.
45
00:02:39,770 --> 00:02:42,210
Yeah.
46
00:02:42,210 --> 00:02:46,130
I'll see you later.
Yeah, see you around.
47
00:02:46,130 --> 00:02:47,170
Aw.
48
00:02:48,130 --> 00:02:49,810
What?
49
00:02:49,810 --> 00:02:54,010
Were you just flirting with
a beggar? Don't be ridiculous.
50
00:02:54,010 --> 00:02:57,090
What was all that about, then?
I was just being friendly.
51
00:02:57,090 --> 00:03:00,090
I gave her some money the other day.
She's a nice person.
52
00:03:00,090 --> 00:03:05,650
I suppose, underneath all that
dirt, she's kind of attractive. Oh, my God, do I fancy a tramp?
53
00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:08,810
Even by your standards, Donald,
that is phenomenal.
54
00:03:08,810 --> 00:03:10,330
You going to ask her out?
55
00:03:10,330 --> 00:03:12,850
Seriously? No, don't do it seriously.
56
00:03:12,850 --> 00:03:14,330
Crack a joke. Break the ice.
57
00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:21,690
Right, as much as I would
love to stick around and witness a bit more hoboerotism,
58
00:03:21,690 --> 00:03:22,730
I'm going to go.
59
00:03:22,730 --> 00:03:25,450
Adios.
60
00:03:25,450 --> 00:03:29,090
See ya later. Hmm.
61
00:03:35,930 --> 00:03:37,330
Oh!
62
00:03:41,210 --> 00:03:42,490
Can we help you?
63
00:03:44,410 --> 00:03:46,890
Oh, guys, you've met Susan, then?
64
00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:51,170
Hi. Sorry, I didn't
realise that you had...er...
65
00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:52,930
friends...over.
66
00:03:52,930 --> 00:03:54,450
Mmm. I'm Susan.
67
00:03:54,450 --> 00:03:59,250
Hi, I'm Sam. Oh, this is Brian.
68
00:03:59,250 --> 00:04:01,570
I've run you a bath.
69
00:04:01,570 --> 00:04:05,810
Oh, thanks. I cannot wait for this.
It's been ages.
70
00:04:07,130 --> 00:04:10,450
Just give me a shout
if you need anything?
71
00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:14,170
So...
72
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:15,250
What do you reckon?
73
00:04:15,250 --> 00:04:19,170
Why have you brought
a tramp into our house? Hey, that's not very nice!
74
00:04:19,170 --> 00:04:22,810
She might not be a tramp. It might
be a...new look that's going round.
75
00:04:22,810 --> 00:04:26,170
No. She's a tramp. Seriously,
what are you playing at?
76
00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:29,050
I mean, you're not Richard Gere
saving Julia Roberts.
77
00:04:29,050 --> 00:04:34,330
A - Roberts was a prostitute,
not a tramp. And B?
78
00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:38,890
There's no B. Just A. It's strong.
Anyway, you were the one who said I should ask her out.
79
00:04:38,890 --> 00:04:43,090
Oh, my God, Don,
that was a joke. Oh.
80
00:04:43,090 --> 00:04:48,130
Oh, well, I did. Because, well,
you know, I don't judge a book by it's cover.
81
00:04:48,130 --> 00:04:50,010
Yeah, because you don't read books.
82
00:04:50,010 --> 00:04:52,210
Well, I think
it's noble of you, Don.
83
00:04:53,730 --> 00:04:55,330
Really? Yeah.
84
00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:57,770
You don't think
there are "issues" here?
85
00:04:57,770 --> 00:05:03,210
There are issues at play. The fact
that you feel the need to pick up a girl who has serious self-esteem...
86
00:05:03,210 --> 00:05:05,850
I knew you couldn't resist.
How did you ask her out?
87
00:05:05,850 --> 00:05:07,210
Well...
88
00:05:07,210 --> 00:05:11,690
'Shortly after you left,
I decided to take your advice and introduce myself.
89
00:05:11,690 --> 00:05:13,570
'But it was harder than I thought.'
90
00:05:13,570 --> 00:05:17,130
What am I doing?
'I mean, how do you chat up a tramp?'
91
00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:18,410
Don, you dickhead.
92
00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:22,090
Are you all right? You seem
a bit lost. Er, no, no.
93
00:05:22,090 --> 00:05:25,130
Hey, listen, I was wondering...er...
94
00:05:25,130 --> 00:05:29,090
whether you wanted to go
out for a drink sometime.
95
00:05:29,090 --> 00:05:31,050
Or maybe go in for a drink.
96
00:05:31,050 --> 00:05:34,130
Seeing as you already
spend a lot of time out.
97
00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:36,090
Is that meant to be funny?
98
00:05:36,090 --> 00:05:39,810
'After a bumpy start, I convinced
her to have a drink with me.
99
00:05:39,810 --> 00:05:41,930
'Turns out we've
got loads in common.'
100
00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:43,850
I love Super Tennent's!
101
00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:46,170
'We're similar in so many ways.'
102
00:05:46,170 --> 00:05:50,690
I mean, I haven't washed in days.
Me neither. 'We love the same sort of music and films.
103
00:05:50,690 --> 00:05:52,970
'I even took her to the cinema.'
104
00:05:52,970 --> 00:05:54,450
It's a Costner triple bill.
105
00:05:54,450 --> 00:05:58,810
All the W's. Waterworld,
Wyatt Earp, Wolves, Dances with.
106
00:05:58,810 --> 00:06:00,650
We don't have to stay for all three.
107
00:06:00,650 --> 00:06:05,130
'And we ended the evening
in the park.' I haven't been treated like this in a long time.
108
00:06:05,130 --> 00:06:06,530
'Looking up at the stars.'
109
00:06:06,530 --> 00:06:10,330
Sorry I was frosty when we first met.
That's all right, I'm used to it.
110
00:06:10,330 --> 00:06:14,010
I'll be honest, I thought you were
only interested in me for my money.
111
00:06:14,010 --> 00:06:15,530
I was.
112
00:06:15,570 --> 00:06:16,610
Oh, yeah.
113
00:06:22,570 --> 00:06:23,890
Oh, hang on.
114
00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:27,450
You don't mind, do you?
115
00:06:33,970 --> 00:06:35,930
Are you fucking insane? What?
116
00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:40,210
I like her, OK? She's funny
and thinks with her balls.
117
00:06:40,210 --> 00:06:43,650
I love chicks like that. I mean,
that's what I liked about you...
118
00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:45,450
wan.
119
00:06:45,450 --> 00:06:49,410
Who's Ewan? Oh, just some...girl
120
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:52,650
with a guy's name
I used to really like.
121
00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:54,330
Don't analyse it.
122
00:06:56,130 --> 00:06:58,610
# That's why the lady
123
00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,650
# Is a tramp
124
00:07:02,370 --> 00:07:05,250
# Oh, yeah, is a tra... #
125
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:08,450
Sorry, I was expecting Susan?
126
00:07:09,810 --> 00:07:13,370
Man, you look so different
out of your work clothes.
127
00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:17,690
Yeah, I'm afraid the bath's going to
need a really good scrub. Sorry.
128
00:07:17,690 --> 00:07:19,210
Don't apologise.
129
00:07:19,210 --> 00:07:22,130
Eddie will be chuffed to bits. Who?
130
00:07:22,130 --> 00:07:23,490
Oh, he's a friend of mine.
131
00:07:23,490 --> 00:07:26,090
He absolutely loves cleaning things.
132
00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:28,690
I know, he's mental in face.
133
00:07:28,690 --> 00:07:32,610
So, listen, if you want to stay
tonight, then that's...
134
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:36,130
..cool.
135
00:07:36,130 --> 00:07:38,090
One, two, three.
136
00:07:40,090 --> 00:07:42,690
Where's Eddie?
The bath needs to be...
137
00:07:42,690 --> 00:07:47,410
replaced, probably.
He's looking after one of his other patients tonight.
138
00:07:47,410 --> 00:07:50,010
I wonder what his other
patients are like?
139
00:07:50,010 --> 00:07:53,690
So, Ron? Pam? Mrs Preacher?
What would you all like for dinner?
140
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,490
I'll have a full English, please.
141
00:07:55,490 --> 00:07:57,650
It's ten o clock at night. So?
142
00:07:57,650 --> 00:07:59,970
I've got a craving
for fried eggs and shit.
143
00:07:59,970 --> 00:08:01,650
And shit?
144
00:08:01,650 --> 00:08:03,770
So, what's with the shots?
145
00:08:03,770 --> 00:08:08,250
Well, I'm bored,
because Brian is upstairs marking papers...on a Friday.
146
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:11,970
So we took it upon ourselves
to finish the bottle. Good enough reason.
147
00:08:11,970 --> 00:08:16,770
So how is the hobosexual? You're
not going to let this one go, are you? Yeah,
148
00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:19,410
cos you never make jokes
about Brian, do you?
149
00:08:19,410 --> 00:08:21,610
When have I ever made
a joke about Brian?
150
00:08:24,210 --> 00:08:29,010
What was it like during the Blitz?
She's dating her dad. You grew up in the '50s, didn't you?
151
00:08:29,010 --> 00:08:34,130
Having trouble lifting that?
They're not father and daughter. Surely she's more your age!
152
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:36,810
All right. I get the point.
One, two, three.
153
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:43,650
My God, Dobby, you didn't even wince.
154
00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:45,250
Too old for wincing.
155
00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:49,570
MUSIC PLAYS FROM DOWNSTAIRS
156
00:08:57,010 --> 00:09:01,690
ALL: # Sweet Caroline, ba-ba-ba... #
157
00:09:01,690 --> 00:09:04,730
DON HUMS ALONG
158
00:09:07,650 --> 00:09:11,090
Oh!
# Sweet Caroline... #
159
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,290
Oooh. Erm...
160
00:09:19,570 --> 00:09:22,090
Are you off? Yeah,
I can't really concentrate.
161
00:09:22,090 --> 00:09:24,210
Oh, well, join us? Come on.
162
00:09:24,210 --> 00:09:29,250
If he wants to go, he wants to go.
Jesus, ball and chain, right, Bri? Er, no. You continue your fun.
163
00:09:29,250 --> 00:09:30,610
I don't mind heading off.
164
00:09:30,610 --> 00:09:32,730
No, no, no. Don't be stupid.
165
00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,250
It's time for bed anyway.
166
00:09:36,330 --> 00:09:38,290
How can I resist those eyes,
eh, Don?
167
00:09:38,290 --> 00:09:40,210
It doesn't look like you're trying.
168
00:09:43,610 --> 00:09:46,730
I still don't get what
she seems in him, eh?
169
00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:50,130
Aw, I love you, Gollum.
170
00:09:50,130 --> 00:09:52,690
Well, a little bit.
171
00:10:01,290 --> 00:10:03,330
Are you going?
172
00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:05,690
Sorry, I didn't want to wake you.
173
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,490
You crawled into bed very late.
174
00:10:07,490 --> 00:10:09,650
Oh, man. I got wrecked.
175
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,890
I know. You peed the bed.
176
00:10:11,890 --> 00:10:13,410
What?
177
00:10:13,410 --> 00:10:15,410
Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry.
178
00:10:15,410 --> 00:10:17,170
It's all right.
179
00:10:17,170 --> 00:10:18,610
I've slept through worse.
180
00:10:18,610 --> 00:10:22,970
Oh, yeah. Look, Don,
I appreciate you letting me stay last night, but I think...
181
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:26,810
Hey, look, you don't have to go. Why
don't you hang out with me today?
182
00:10:26,810 --> 00:10:32,410
I've got work later,
but we could go and grab some lunch before or do some shopping.
183
00:10:32,410 --> 00:10:37,330
Really? Yeah. It's about time we got
you out of these clothes, young lady.
184
00:10:37,330 --> 00:10:40,090
I mean, not get you naked.
185
00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:44,370
Put you in other clothes. It's
all right. I knew what you meant.
186
00:10:46,850 --> 00:10:49,890
MUSIC: "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison
187
00:10:52,450 --> 00:10:54,970
Ready? Yeah. Get rid of your gum.
188
00:10:57,210 --> 00:10:58,250
Let's go.
189
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:06,770
You see this woman over here?
190
00:11:06,770 --> 00:11:11,050
Yes. Do you have anything in
this shop as beautiful as she is?
191
00:11:17,090 --> 00:11:20,170
I think we're going to be
needing more people helping out.
192
00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:23,530
You see, I'm going to be spending
an obscene amount of money.
193
00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:27,250
How obscene, exactly? I'm talking...
194
00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:30,890
..really offensive.
195
00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:37,170
# Pretty woman
196
00:11:37,170 --> 00:11:38,650
# Walking down the street
197
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,570
# Pretty woman
198
00:11:40,570 --> 00:11:43,050
# The kind I like to meet
199
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,450
# Pretty woman
200
00:11:45,450 --> 00:11:48,970
# I don't believe you,
you're not the truth
201
00:11:48,970 --> 00:11:53,570
# No-one could look as good as you
202
00:11:59,650 --> 00:12:02,690
# Oh, oh
203
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:04,610
# Pretty woman. #
204
00:12:04,610 --> 00:12:08,330
'That afternoon I took Susan to the
art centre to show her where I work.'
205
00:12:08,330 --> 00:12:11,370
This piece here is by an
artist called Tobpy Cream.
206
00:12:11,370 --> 00:12:13,010
That's "Toby" with a silent P.
207
00:12:13,010 --> 00:12:16,370
I don't really like Cream's
work. It's pretentious.
208
00:12:16,370 --> 00:12:19,690
Aren't you meant to say it's great?
You know, cos you work here?
209
00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:22,970
Yeah, yeah. But between you and me,
I think it's bullshit.
210
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:26,370
What do you think of that one?
Bullshit.
211
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,450
That? Bullshit.
212
00:12:28,450 --> 00:12:29,970
Is that bullshit?
213
00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:32,290
No, that one works on several levels.
214
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:35,610
Why do you work here, Don?
215
00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:39,050
Well, I do the late shift
so I don't have to get up early.
216
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:41,770
Don? Oh, hey, boss.
217
00:12:41,770 --> 00:12:46,330
What have I told you about using
this place to pick up women? Group tours only.
218
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,930
Er, Jason...
DON CHUCKLES
219
00:12:48,930 --> 00:12:52,450
This is Susan. My girlfriend.
220
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:54,650
Girlfriend? You don't mind, do you?
221
00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:59,610
I know we haven't done sex yet,
but... Even if that's the case, I'm afraid she'll have to leave.
222
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:02,530
I can't have you distracted...
even more.
223
00:13:02,530 --> 00:13:04,210
Oh, I know what this is about.
224
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:07,730
I get it, yeah.
It's because she's a tramp, isn't it?
225
00:13:07,730 --> 00:13:12,130
What? Don! Don't worry, Jason,
she's not going to start begging everywhere.
226
00:13:12,130 --> 00:13:16,290
Seriously, Don. It's all right,
honey, I'm not embarrassed.
227
00:13:16,290 --> 00:13:18,130
I am. You just called me a tramp.
228
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:22,010
Oh, sorry, sorry.
229
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:25,130
What's the correct term? Beggar?
230
00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:26,810
No? Hobo?
231
00:13:26,810 --> 00:13:28,810
No? Vagabond?
232
00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:31,650
Yeah, drifter?
That's kind of romantic.
233
00:13:31,650 --> 00:13:35,170
I thought you were a nice guy. What?
234
00:13:35,170 --> 00:13:38,130
Susan! Did I say
something out of turn?
235
00:13:38,130 --> 00:13:40,450
Vagrant?
Ooh, yeah, that's a good one.
236
00:13:40,450 --> 00:13:42,770
Down-and-out?
Hang on, hang on, it's my go.
237
00:13:42,770 --> 00:13:44,490
Panhandler?
238
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,170
Gypsy? Nomad?
239
00:13:46,170 --> 00:13:48,650
Didicoy? All right, you win.
240
00:13:53,330 --> 00:13:55,530
Susan!
241
00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:57,570
COMPUTER GAME BEEPING
242
00:13:59,290 --> 00:14:00,330
Come!
243
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:04,850
Oh, hey.
244
00:14:06,290 --> 00:14:08,250
Sorry I left like that earlier.
245
00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:13,970
Sorry I called you a tramp. I just
want to be honest with everyone. Why?
246
00:14:13,970 --> 00:14:18,730
Well, hopefully people
will think I'm cool and modern for dating a tramp...didicoy.
247
00:14:18,730 --> 00:14:22,570
That's not a reason, Don. I mean,
are you into me, or the idea of me?
248
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,330
Ooh, I dunno.
What's the idea of you like?
249
00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:28,930
What I mean is, are you prepared to
start getting involved in my life?
250
00:14:28,930 --> 00:14:30,770
Meeting my friends?
251
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:33,570
Yes.
You'd be up for meeting my friends?
252
00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:35,690
Yes. All right.
253
00:14:35,690 --> 00:14:38,170
Tonight. I'll take you out. Great.
254
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:39,730
Great.
255
00:14:39,730 --> 00:14:41,010
Really great.
256
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:45,490
'I mean, what could be so hard
about hanging out with her friends?
257
00:14:45,490 --> 00:14:46,810
'They're still people,
258
00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:51,330
'doesn't matter that they're
tramps...er, I mean drifters.'
259
00:14:51,330 --> 00:14:52,770
Wow. This is great.
260
00:14:52,770 --> 00:14:57,130
I feel so... free, man. You want
to try it in winter, mate.
261
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:01,130
Shit, yeah. It must be tough. Depends
how much of this you've had, you know.
262
00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:06,130
There you go. Go on.
263
00:15:06,130 --> 00:15:07,650
Cheers.
264
00:15:13,770 --> 00:15:16,130
Oh, my God, is that Bob Hoskins?
265
00:15:19,370 --> 00:15:22,090
Mmmm, mmm. Yummy, yum, yum.
266
00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:24,410
It's really tasty. What year is that?
267
00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:28,330
I didn't say drink it all! Oh...
268
00:15:28,330 --> 00:15:30,970
Don. Sorry, sorry. I just...
269
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:33,810
Oh. It was just so nice.
270
00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:35,850
Here.
271
00:15:35,850 --> 00:15:37,370
Thanks.
272
00:15:42,770 --> 00:15:43,850
Eh!
273
00:15:43,850 --> 00:15:45,650
GUITAR STRUMMING
274
00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:48,170
Yeah, I play a little.
275
00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:52,770
I've written one about Susan
actually. Aw! Play it.
276
00:15:52,770 --> 00:15:56,410
Oh, I dunno, I'm a bit shy.
Don't worry, Don, you don't have...
277
00:15:56,410 --> 00:16:00,410
# She said you never want
to come back to my place
278
00:16:00,410 --> 00:16:04,130
# Only ever go back to yours
279
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:08,970
# I want to go back to mine sometimes
280
00:16:11,610 --> 00:16:15,530
# She said you never want
to hang out with my friends
281
00:16:15,530 --> 00:16:19,130
# We only ever go out with yours
282
00:16:19,130 --> 00:16:24,250
# I'd like to hang out
with mine sometimes
283
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,330
# And I said
284
00:16:27,330 --> 00:16:29,090
# That's because you are homeless
285
00:16:31,250 --> 00:16:33,410
# And you live on the streets
286
00:16:35,010 --> 00:16:37,130
# And your so-called friends
287
00:16:38,410 --> 00:16:41,010
# Just other tramps that you meet. #
288
00:16:41,010 --> 00:16:45,290
Wow, I've never earned money from
my songs before, that's amazing.
289
00:16:45,290 --> 00:16:48,250
Look, 14p.
290
00:16:53,570 --> 00:16:56,570
Cock-a-doodle-Don!
291
00:16:56,570 --> 00:16:58,410
Morning, kids.
292
00:16:58,410 --> 00:17:02,250
Last time I saw you,
you were in trouble with Mr Brian.
293
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:06,730
Did he give you a detention? No,
but we did have amazing make-up sex.
294
00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:10,050
Eugh. Must be weird going out
with someone old enough
295
00:17:10,050 --> 00:17:12,890
to remember when
colour telly was invented.
296
00:17:12,890 --> 00:17:15,610
Thanks, Eddie.
297
00:17:15,610 --> 00:17:19,770
You change when you're with him.
You know that? He makes you less fun.
298
00:17:19,770 --> 00:17:22,850
Just because he doesn't
like getting off his head
299
00:17:22,850 --> 00:17:28,730
and watching clips of people eating
their own feces on YouTube does not mean he's any less fun. Hmm.
300
00:17:28,730 --> 00:17:30,490
Was a funny clip, though, eh?
301
00:17:30,490 --> 00:17:35,050
A cake made of poo, and then serving
it to someone for their birthday.
302
00:17:35,050 --> 00:17:38,370
Yeah, it was pretty funny.
303
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:41,370
Oh, if you made an effort with him,
I think you'd like him.
304
00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:44,410
I make an effort.
When have you ever made an effort?
305
00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:50,570
How is that making an effort?
306
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,970
I went the whole night without
making fun of his age. Huge effort.
307
00:17:53,970 --> 00:17:56,010
Just ask him out for a drink.
308
00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:58,250
And then what? Fuck him?
309
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:00,370
You know, he likes you.
310
00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:02,770
Finds you...fascinating.
311
00:18:02,770 --> 00:18:04,610
God knows why.
312
00:18:06,890 --> 00:18:08,890
All right, I'll go out with him.
313
00:18:08,890 --> 00:18:13,690
For you. Aw. But Eddie comes with,
cos I need a friend there to soften the blow.
314
00:18:13,690 --> 00:18:17,850
Oh, I love it when you call me
a friend. Gives me a fizzy tummy.
315
00:18:17,850 --> 00:18:21,730
Urgh. I've changed my mind,
you're not coming. Oh.
316
00:18:21,730 --> 00:18:24,570
Well, I'm sure you and Brian
will have fun on your own.
317
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:26,450
I've changed it back. You can come.
318
00:18:26,450 --> 00:18:28,970
Aw. Can't wait.
319
00:18:28,970 --> 00:18:30,770
Oooh.
320
00:18:33,330 --> 00:18:36,130
Right. What's everyone having? Beer?
321
00:18:36,130 --> 00:18:38,050
I'll have a milk, please. Bri?
322
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:41,490
Pint of lager? Er, I don't drink,
Don. You know that. What, never?
323
00:18:41,490 --> 00:18:43,130
Nope. Not even birthdays?
324
00:18:43,130 --> 00:18:45,210
No. Weddings? No.
325
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:46,770
Bah Mitzvahs? No.
326
00:18:46,770 --> 00:18:49,690
Christmas? No. New Year's, surely?
327
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:52,050
No. Christenings? No.
328
00:18:52,050 --> 00:18:53,370
Funerals? No.
329
00:18:53,370 --> 00:18:56,250
What if you'd accidentally
killed a child in a car crash
330
00:18:56,250 --> 00:19:01,170
and you were really,
really cut up about it? No! Oh.
331
00:19:01,170 --> 00:19:03,170
I guess you don't drink, then.
332
00:19:03,170 --> 00:19:05,570
This is going to be fun.
333
00:19:07,090 --> 00:19:09,090
Oh, hi.
334
00:19:09,090 --> 00:19:10,850
Didn't know you were in. Yep.
335
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:15,570
Just me, Treacher, and Saw 3.
She loves it, for some reason. SCREAMING FROM TELEVISION
336
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:19,170
So...how are things
with you and Don?
337
00:19:19,170 --> 00:19:20,930
Fine, I guess.
338
00:19:23,650 --> 00:19:26,010
Is it just me
or is he a bit of a dick?
339
00:19:26,010 --> 00:19:28,650
It's not just you.
He's a bit of a dick.
340
00:19:28,650 --> 00:19:33,050
We're kidding. He's a good guy.
He's just... A bit of a dick.
341
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:38,010
Look, will you tell him I said
thanks? Yeah. Of course.
342
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,810
It was nice to meet you both.
343
00:19:47,210 --> 00:19:48,410
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
344
00:19:48,410 --> 00:19:51,130
Doesn't bode well for Don, does it?
345
00:19:51,130 --> 00:19:54,170
I hope he and Brian
are getting on OK.
346
00:20:11,690 --> 00:20:16,370
Oh, Christ, I can't handle this.
Eddie, get a tray of Sambuca shots, will you? Abso-lulu.
347
00:20:16,370 --> 00:20:18,130
Don. I've told you... Look.
348
00:20:18,130 --> 00:20:20,770
We're only doing this because
of Sam, right?
349
00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:25,210
And I don't mean to be rude,
but I don't think I can handle being in your company sober.
350
00:20:25,210 --> 00:20:29,770
That is actually very rude.
You're having a great time with me? That what you're saying?
351
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,850
All right, fair point.
352
00:20:31,850 --> 00:20:35,850
The only thing that is going to fool
us into thinking we get along
353
00:20:35,850 --> 00:20:38,650
is my best friend here,
Sir Samuel of Buca.
354
00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:40,970
There you go. Yes, and you Eddie.
355
00:20:40,970 --> 00:20:43,530
Come on, it's about time
we got drunk together.
356
00:20:43,530 --> 00:20:46,490
It's no use, Don. Alcohol doesn't
have any effect on me.
357
00:20:46,490 --> 00:20:48,770
That's why I don't drink. Bullshit.
358
00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:50,530
Ready? Go!
359
00:20:53,090 --> 00:20:54,650
Ah.
360
00:20:55,650 --> 00:20:57,170
So...um...
361
00:20:57,170 --> 00:21:01,210
how's it going with...Susan, is it?
See? It's worked.
362
00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:06,050
We're like best friends already!
Yeah, it's going pretty good, thanks, Bri.
363
00:21:06,050 --> 00:21:09,530
You know, I've never been with
a woman where I know, for certain,
364
00:21:09,530 --> 00:21:13,250
that I'm the catch.
What if you decide that you're no longer into her?
365
00:21:13,250 --> 00:21:16,130
Splitting up would mean throwing
her onto the streets -
366
00:21:16,130 --> 00:21:19,170
a huge amount of responsibility.
I hadn't thought of that.
367
00:21:19,170 --> 00:21:24,530
If there's one thing I know about
you, Don, you loathe responsibility. He's right. I do.
368
00:21:24,530 --> 00:21:28,970
The longer you go out with her,
the harder it'll become. What are you going to do, Don?
369
00:21:29,970 --> 00:21:32,570
I know.
370
00:21:32,570 --> 00:21:35,170
# Cos you're filthy
371
00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,250
# Ooh, and you're gorgeous... #
372
00:21:37,250 --> 00:21:39,890
So how is this going
to help with Susan?
373
00:21:39,890 --> 00:21:44,290
It's not. But it'll just help to
take my mind off things for a bit.
374
00:21:47,850 --> 00:21:53,610
Here, Bri, if you want a
dance from one of the girls, just give them these tokens, OK? Wow.
375
00:21:53,610 --> 00:21:56,370
Looks just like real money
but with naked girls on.
376
00:21:56,370 --> 00:21:58,610
Yeah, but remember, it's not real.
377
00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:01,250
They're Titty Tokens.
378
00:22:01,250 --> 00:22:03,490
We'll have the same again, please.
379
00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:07,570
Steady on, we haven't drunk these
yet. Don't listen to that cock.
380
00:22:07,570 --> 00:22:10,010
Bring us more! Now!
381
00:22:10,010 --> 00:22:11,730
Come on.
382
00:22:17,930 --> 00:22:20,170
You're telling me
you don't feel a thing?
383
00:22:20,170 --> 00:22:21,770
No.
384
00:22:21,770 --> 00:22:24,370
But you've done 12 shots
and drunk six pints.
385
00:22:24,370 --> 00:22:26,970
You must feel something?
I told you before, Don.
386
00:22:26,970 --> 00:22:29,850
Alcohol doesn't have
any effect on me. Never has.
387
00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:31,970
You two are like a married couple.
388
00:22:31,970 --> 00:22:33,810
The subservient wife
389
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:36,410
and the insecure
yet overbearing husband.
390
00:22:36,410 --> 00:22:39,810
We are nothing like a married
couple, thank you very much.
391
00:22:39,810 --> 00:22:42,210
Ooh, who's driving
home tonight, sexy pants?
392
00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:44,290
Technically, I am over the limit.
393
00:22:44,290 --> 00:22:47,930
About time. Jesus, woman,
it's hardly rocket science.
394
00:22:47,930 --> 00:22:51,210
Bri, Bri. Look, calm down.
395
00:22:51,210 --> 00:22:54,530
How much for a dance?
I'm a waitress. I don't dance.
396
00:22:54,530 --> 00:22:57,570
Well, you clearly want people
to think of you in that way
397
00:22:57,570 --> 00:23:00,370
otherwise you wouldn't
dress like a slut. Right.
398
00:23:00,370 --> 00:23:03,930
Brian, you've really changed!
399
00:23:04,890 --> 00:23:07,410
I'm afraid I'm going to ask
you gentlemen to leave.
400
00:23:07,410 --> 00:23:10,730
Ooh, did you hear that, chaps?
The gorilla can speak! That's it.
401
00:23:10,730 --> 00:23:15,410
Oh, you want to wrestle, do you?
All right, fine. Bring it on!
402
00:23:15,410 --> 00:23:17,210
Bring it on! Come on!
403
00:23:17,210 --> 00:23:21,810
Oh, my God, I've created a monster!
404
00:23:21,810 --> 00:23:24,450
Right, you stay here, OK?
405
00:23:24,450 --> 00:23:27,370
Don't move until I get back. OK?
406
00:23:27,370 --> 00:23:29,130
You betsy. Right.
407
00:23:32,530 --> 00:23:34,770
You're a cliche! You know that?
408
00:23:34,770 --> 00:23:36,490
A walking, talking cliche!
409
00:23:36,490 --> 00:23:38,610
Bri, come on. Let's just go.
410
00:23:38,610 --> 00:23:44,290
Oh, look, another monkey. I'll grab
a typewriter, shall I? We can see if that Shakespeare theory is true.
411
00:23:44,290 --> 00:23:46,610
You're like a clever yob.
412
00:23:46,610 --> 00:23:50,050
We can take them, right?
What?! I do judo, did you know that?
413
00:23:50,050 --> 00:23:53,090
You might do Judo, but they do
kicking people's heads in.
414
00:23:53,090 --> 00:23:55,450
On three. You with me? No!
415
00:23:55,450 --> 00:23:57,050
One... What?
416
00:23:57,050 --> 00:23:59,090
Two...three!
417
00:24:01,650 --> 00:24:05,050
DON WHIMPERS
Jesus Christ! Oh, God! I'm so scared.
418
00:24:05,050 --> 00:24:07,930
'I know, heroic, eh?
419
00:24:07,930 --> 00:24:12,370
'But I wasn't prepared to get
beaten up just because Brian can't handle his drink.
420
00:24:13,810 --> 00:24:17,930
'But then I started
to imagine Brian getting torn apart by those bouncers.'
421
00:24:18,890 --> 00:24:20,250
Oh, bollocks.
422
00:24:22,970 --> 00:24:24,650
LAUGHTER
423
00:24:26,490 --> 00:24:30,050
Susan? Oh.
424
00:24:30,050 --> 00:24:32,810
Hey, Don. What's going on?
What are you doing?
425
00:24:32,810 --> 00:24:34,090
Why aren't you at home?
426
00:24:34,090 --> 00:24:37,690
This is my home. What do you mean?
Look, I dunno how to say this,
427
00:24:37,690 --> 00:24:40,890
but things just aren't
working out between us.
428
00:24:40,890 --> 00:24:43,770
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're dumping me?
429
00:24:43,770 --> 00:24:46,490
You were only dating me
to feel good about yourself.
430
00:24:46,490 --> 00:24:49,010
I was just a trophy girlfriend.
431
00:24:49,010 --> 00:24:52,450
Trophy girlfriend?
This is ridiculous.
432
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:54,970
You don't want to get involved.
433
00:24:54,970 --> 00:24:56,690
You don't like my friends.
434
00:24:56,690 --> 00:24:59,450
I love your friends. I love them.
435
00:24:59,450 --> 00:25:02,890
Why are you ignoring us, then?
Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there.
436
00:25:02,890 --> 00:25:05,250
You know,
you all kind of look the same.
437
00:25:05,250 --> 00:25:07,250
No, no, that's not racist...
438
00:25:07,250 --> 00:25:09,810
Look, I care. I do.
439
00:25:09,810 --> 00:25:14,210
Here. Here you go. Yeah, get yourself
a panini or something. There you go.
440
00:25:14,210 --> 00:25:16,850
Is this a joke? What do you mean?
441
00:25:16,850 --> 00:25:20,770
Titty Tokens? What are we supposed
to do with Titty Tokens?
442
00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:24,250
Shit, it looks so bloody real.
Look, Don, just go, will you?
443
00:25:24,250 --> 00:25:26,770
But I...
444
00:25:33,010 --> 00:25:34,810
If you're not going to use those...
445
00:25:36,130 --> 00:25:38,290
Cheers...thanks.
446
00:25:38,290 --> 00:25:42,330
Come on!
Look, as if they'd let you in!
447
00:25:42,330 --> 00:25:44,650
They have a very
strict shoe policy...
448
00:25:46,210 --> 00:25:48,730
Fine.
449
00:25:55,130 --> 00:25:57,170
DOORBELL
450
00:26:01,930 --> 00:26:03,970
Oh, hello, Brian.
451
00:26:03,970 --> 00:26:06,410
So who are you today? Jekyll or Hyde?
452
00:26:06,410 --> 00:26:07,970
Don, I'm so sorry.
453
00:26:09,650 --> 00:26:12,850
I have absolutely
no idea what happened.
454
00:26:14,370 --> 00:26:16,890
You were a maniac last night.
455
00:26:16,890 --> 00:26:19,570
I told you I didn't want to drink.
It sends me loopy.
456
00:26:19,570 --> 00:26:22,850
I stopped drinking after
my 18th birthday. Was that VE day?
457
00:26:22,850 --> 00:26:26,010
Ha-ha-ha(!) Me and my pals
drank a ton of cider.
458
00:26:26,010 --> 00:26:28,210
I ended up shopping at Tesco's.
459
00:26:28,210 --> 00:26:30,890
What's so weird about that?
I was naked.
460
00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:33,170
Ah.
461
00:26:33,170 --> 00:26:36,410
Have you been out all night?
Yeah. I woke up on a curb.
462
00:26:36,410 --> 00:26:39,810
Aw, I used to date
a girl who did that.
463
00:26:39,810 --> 00:26:43,810
Susan dumped me.
That's good, isn't it? Weren't you looking for a way out?
464
00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:47,250
Don't you see? She'd rather live
on the streets than go out with me.
465
00:26:47,250 --> 00:26:49,850
It's the cuss of all cusses -
dumped by a tramp.
466
00:26:49,850 --> 00:26:51,730
Don, is Brian with you?
467
00:26:51,730 --> 00:26:54,170
Don't tell Sam
about last night. Please.
468
00:26:54,170 --> 00:26:56,050
I don't know. I don't like lying.
469
00:26:56,050 --> 00:26:57,690
Yes, you do! You love lying!
470
00:26:57,690 --> 00:27:00,730
Hey, guys, how was last night?
471
00:27:00,730 --> 00:27:02,290
Have you only just got in?
472
00:27:02,290 --> 00:27:06,730
You'll never guess what Brian
got up to last night? What?
473
00:27:06,730 --> 00:27:08,490
He slept on the sofa.
474
00:27:08,490 --> 00:27:11,050
In his clothes. He's nuts.
475
00:27:11,050 --> 00:27:12,890
Hello.
476
00:27:12,890 --> 00:27:13,930
Oh!
477
00:27:13,930 --> 00:27:15,930
Sambuca? Yeah...
478
00:27:15,930 --> 00:27:18,250
We all did one little shot.
Just for fun.
479
00:27:18,250 --> 00:27:19,290
Huh.
480
00:27:20,770 --> 00:27:22,810
So where's Eddie?
481
00:27:22,810 --> 00:27:24,570
Oh, shit!
482
00:27:28,010 --> 00:27:31,770
I promised my friend Don I wouldn't
leave here until he got back.
483
00:27:34,330 --> 00:27:36,130
Ooh, do you want a hand with that?
484
00:27:58,210 --> 00:28:01,250
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
485
00:28:01,250 --> 00:28:04,290
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
486
00:28:04,340 --> 00:28:08,890
Repair and Synchronization by
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