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1
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This programme contains
some strong language.
2
00:00:07,777 --> 00:00:11,417
'Let me introduce myself. My name's
Don. That's me in bed.
3
00:00:11,831 --> 00:00:14,111
'I'm about to wake up.
See - clever, eh?'
4
00:00:17,197 --> 00:00:21,676
My nan left me this house,
in case you're wondering about the crazy decor.
5
00:00:21,682 --> 00:00:23,281
What else?
6
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:26,163
Oh, yeah,
I recently got a female lodger...
7
00:00:26,167 --> 00:00:28,487
Come on, hurry up, I'm bursting!
8
00:00:30,491 --> 00:00:33,330
Morning, dickhead. Morning, Gollum.
9
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:38,373
Mrs Treacher's my neighbour.
She's living here while the builders sort out the damp in her house.
10
00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:41,939
I'd leave it for a minute
if I were you. Oh...
11
00:00:41,944 --> 00:00:43,223
That's Eddie.
12
00:00:43,225 --> 00:00:44,784
He's Mrs Treacher's carer.
13
00:00:44,787 --> 00:00:46,506
Actually, he's everyone's carer.
14
00:00:46,508 --> 00:00:48,747
He loves looking after people.
15
00:00:48,751 --> 00:00:51,990
Weirdo. Make me a cup of tea, Eddie!
16
00:00:51,994 --> 00:00:53,713
What do you say? Now!
17
00:00:53,716 --> 00:00:55,635
You batty boy.
18
00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:59,077
That's... more like it.
19
00:00:59,082 --> 00:01:03,921
I have no idea how I ended
up living with these freaks.
20
00:01:03,927 --> 00:01:07,606
At least there's
one normal person in my life.
21
00:01:07,611 --> 00:01:10,370
That's Samantha. Yep, she's hot.
22
00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:12,773
Funny and smart too.
23
00:01:12,777 --> 00:01:16,816
What are you doing?
Well, you don't mind, do you?
24
00:01:16,821 --> 00:01:18,860
Erm... It is a bit odd.
25
00:01:18,863 --> 00:01:21,102
It's a shame she has
a boyfriend, though.
26
00:01:21,106 --> 00:01:24,025
His name's Brian.
See, he's cool with it.
27
00:01:24,029 --> 00:01:26,069
Yeah well, I'm not. Get off me!
28
00:01:28,674 --> 00:01:33,033
Sam and I almost got it on once.
He doesn't know that.
29
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We were at a wedding a couple of
months ago, staying in this hotel.
30
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You took your time.
Well, I'm here now.
31
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Oh, Don. Oh, Abby.
32
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Wait a minute.
33
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,946
Did you just call me Abby?
34
00:02:01,949 --> 00:02:03,988
Abby was a girl I used
to have a crush on.
35
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:09,510
But when I walked into that room and
saw Sam, I knew I was finally over Abby, and wanted to be with her.
36
00:02:09,517 --> 00:02:12,556
'So when I said...' Oh, Abby.
37
00:02:12,561 --> 00:02:15,720
'It was a genuine, horrible mistake.'
38
00:02:15,724 --> 00:02:17,363
What was I thinking?
39
00:02:17,366 --> 00:02:22,605
Look, the only reason I said her name
was because I just got a text message from her.
40
00:02:22,611 --> 00:02:26,971
So, yeah. I'm Don Danbury. And
this is How Not To Live Your Life.
41
00:02:44,835 --> 00:02:46,954
Samantha! Brian's here.
42
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,637
She'll be down in a moment.
43
00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,799
I'll just put the kettle on.
44
00:02:53,004 --> 00:02:55,523
What does she see in him, I wonder?
45
00:02:55,527 --> 00:02:58,806
Well, he's got a career, he's a
published author, he makes good
46
00:02:58,810 --> 00:03:03,329
money, he's clever, witty, handsome,
and he's very, very charming.
47
00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:04,974
Apart from that.
48
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:09,296
Anyway, if he's so amazing,
why does she never talk about him?
49
00:03:09,301 --> 00:03:12,620
Well, because you always give her
a hard time about it. Like when?
50
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,864
So come on. Who is he?
51
00:03:14,867 --> 00:03:17,026
OK. His name is Brian.
52
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,629
He's a lecturer at my university.
53
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:21,630
Teaches psychology, and he's
even written a book.
54
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,194
He's your teacher?
55
00:03:23,196 --> 00:03:24,995
Doesn't that make him a paedophile?
56
00:03:24,998 --> 00:03:28,797
No, Don! He's a really nice guy,
actually. That's what paedos do.
57
00:03:28,802 --> 00:03:31,001
They gain your trust, lure you in.
58
00:03:31,005 --> 00:03:33,364
God, it's like talking to a child!
59
00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:35,406
Is that what he says to you?
60
00:03:35,409 --> 00:03:38,768
No, Don. Just drop the joke.
He's not a paedophile.
61
00:03:38,773 --> 00:03:43,652
Are you sure? I mean, look at
the title of that book he wrote.
62
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:46,817
It just annoys me that she
started seeing someone so soon.
63
00:03:46,822 --> 00:03:49,501
She didn't give me a chance
to make up for what I did.
64
00:03:49,505 --> 00:03:52,264
I mean, I haven't been to see Abby,
I'm not going to.
65
00:03:52,267 --> 00:03:53,946
Open...
66
00:03:53,949 --> 00:03:58,268
Now, don't hate me for
saying this, but Sam does seem to be happy with him.
67
00:03:58,274 --> 00:04:01,193
I hate you for saying that.
68
00:04:01,197 --> 00:04:03,116
Don't you think he's
a bit old for her?
69
00:04:03,119 --> 00:04:05,079
It's like she's dating her dad.
70
00:04:07,764 --> 00:04:10,963
Ah.
How much of that did you just hear?
71
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:14,326
Just that bit there, where you said
it's like she's dating her dad.
72
00:04:14,331 --> 00:04:16,690
Oh, phew, that's all right then!
73
00:04:16,694 --> 00:04:22,653
You and I, we've never really had a
proper chat, have we, Don?
74
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:25,819
You know it's only cool to sit
like that if you're a cop?
75
00:04:25,823 --> 00:04:28,822
Good one! But hey,
I'm just a maverick "teacher"
76
00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:30,787
who breaks rules to get results.
77
00:04:38,357 --> 00:04:41,356
Sam said you work at an art centre -
that must be a lot of fun?
78
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:45,159
Don't let him fool you, babe.
Don doesn't work there for the culture, do you?
79
00:04:45,164 --> 00:04:49,124
He only does jobs where he
knows he can get away with doing as little as possible.
80
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:53,890
It's not true. It's true.
81
00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:56,093
Well, give me an example.
82
00:04:59,059 --> 00:05:00,578
Excuse me?
83
00:05:00,581 --> 00:05:02,780
Can you tell me which way
to blinds and curtains?
84
00:05:02,783 --> 00:05:04,822
Sleeping.
85
00:05:04,825 --> 00:05:06,704
Help her, she's drowning!
86
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:09,427
Leave her,
she needs to learn to swim.
87
00:05:11,072 --> 00:05:14,111
I'm knackered,
can we take a tea break?
88
00:05:14,115 --> 00:05:16,555
CAR HORNS HONK
89
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:21,318
Hey, Don's got a lot of time to
work out what career path to take.
90
00:05:21,323 --> 00:05:24,322
Someone as charming and funny
as you can do whatever you want.
91
00:05:24,326 --> 00:05:26,045
Are you a bisexual?
92
00:05:26,048 --> 00:05:27,927
No. Oh, sorry.
93
00:05:27,930 --> 00:05:32,249
It's just, well you acted like one
then. Don't waste your energy on him.
94
00:05:32,255 --> 00:05:34,374
He's not interested in
getting a proper job.
95
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:39,136
Well, as a matter of
fact, cheekbones, I've got myself a proper job.
96
00:05:39,142 --> 00:05:42,181
What? Since when? Since...tomorrow.
97
00:05:42,185 --> 00:05:44,784
It's an important office job.
98
00:05:44,788 --> 00:05:46,627
Corporate shit. Crunching numbers.
99
00:05:46,630 --> 00:05:48,989
Power breakfasts. Conference calls.
100
00:05:48,992 --> 00:05:52,431
You're just saying words.
Nice one, Don. Where is it?
101
00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:55,315
It's at the Whitgift Building.
102
00:05:55,319 --> 00:05:59,159
You know? On Chaplin Street, near
the art gallery? With which company?
103
00:06:00,325 --> 00:06:06,124
Oh, look everyone, it's Mrs Treacher!
Eddie, I just did some toilet, but it won't flush away.
104
00:06:06,131 --> 00:06:09,370
She's great, isn't she? Come on, you.
105
00:06:09,374 --> 00:06:11,613
Great to see you again, Don. Really?
106
00:06:11,617 --> 00:06:15,817
So untrusting of everyone.
Fascinating!
107
00:06:19,625 --> 00:06:22,144
You didn't tell me you've got
a new job.
108
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:24,707
That's because I haven't. I lied.
109
00:06:24,711 --> 00:06:26,790
I mean, how am I meant
to compete with Brian?
110
00:06:26,793 --> 00:06:31,272
But at some point Samantha
will find out that you lied about the job, and then...
111
00:06:31,278 --> 00:06:33,717
Shush! What? What is it?
112
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,280
No. I'm just saying shush. Shut up.
113
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:43,725
I did feel embarrassed about my
crappy little job at the art centre.
114
00:06:43,731 --> 00:06:48,490
Even though I love it there. You see
I do the afternoon shift, so I never have to get up too early.
115
00:06:48,496 --> 00:06:50,456
PHONE RINGS
116
00:06:55,784 --> 00:06:58,223
Yeah? Don, it's Jason.
117
00:06:58,227 --> 00:07:00,146
You do know you're
working today, don't you?
118
00:07:00,149 --> 00:07:01,748
MOUTHS
119
00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:05,309
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
I'm going to be late.
120
00:07:05,314 --> 00:07:08,473
You are late.
I know, but I did warn you.
121
00:07:08,478 --> 00:07:10,557
When? Just then!
122
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,559
I said "I'm going to be late". God,
you have the memory of a goldfish.
123
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:17,722
I want you here ASAP.
124
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,808
"ASAP"? You're "a sap"!
125
00:07:22,973 --> 00:07:27,332
So after another cheeky ten minutes'
sleep, I got up and rushed to work,
126
00:07:27,338 --> 00:07:30,497
I had no idea I was about
to bump into Brian and Sam.
127
00:07:30,501 --> 00:07:34,020
Well, it was a great paper.
You're really good, you know?
128
00:07:34,025 --> 00:07:36,464
Oh! Look who it is!
129
00:07:36,468 --> 00:07:39,467
You two look so cute together.
130
00:07:39,471 --> 00:07:43,790
Like the perfect father and daughter.
What are you up to?
131
00:07:43,795 --> 00:07:45,394
We're building a sandcastle.
132
00:07:45,397 --> 00:07:47,436
What do you think we're doing?
133
00:07:47,439 --> 00:07:51,958
I'm treating Sam to lunch. She just
wrote an amazing paper for me.
134
00:07:51,964 --> 00:07:55,563
Isn't this a breach of your
student-teacher relationship?
135
00:07:55,568 --> 00:07:58,207
Er, no. She's a mature student, Don.
136
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,970
Well, congratulations, Samantha.
You'll get hammered now, yeah?
137
00:08:01,975 --> 00:08:04,134
Yeah(!) Well, I don't drink, so...
138
00:08:04,137 --> 00:08:08,256
Wow, you're quite an exciting
guy, aren't you, Bri? Hey! Ow!
139
00:08:08,262 --> 00:08:15,421
Anyway, I'm meant to be at work
now, so I'll leave you two to your exciting bread and water.
140
00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:18,908
Donald. Where are you going? Huh?
141
00:08:18,913 --> 00:08:21,112
I mean -
that's where you work, isn't it?
142
00:08:21,115 --> 00:08:23,754
In the Whitgift building?
143
00:08:23,758 --> 00:08:27,317
'Shit, why does she remember
everything I say?
144
00:08:27,322 --> 00:08:29,001
'Maybe I should just tell the truth.
145
00:08:29,004 --> 00:08:33,163
'But then I would look like a
total dick, and in front of Brian.'
146
00:08:33,168 --> 00:08:36,927
Yes, yes, it is. Yeah!
147
00:08:36,932 --> 00:08:41,811
And that's where I'm off to right
this second, to where I work...
148
00:08:41,818 --> 00:08:43,017
See ya!
149
00:08:43,019 --> 00:08:47,698
I am telling you, he's lying!
150
00:08:47,704 --> 00:08:52,383
Hang on, is that why you wanted to
eat here, so you could spy on him? No!
151
00:08:52,389 --> 00:08:54,108
That's ridiculous.
152
00:08:54,111 --> 00:08:57,910
You two baffle me.
You're always at each other.
153
00:08:57,915 --> 00:09:00,874
A paranoid man might think
there's history between you both.
154
00:09:00,878 --> 00:09:02,837
Well, there isn't!
I know, I'm just saying...
155
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,399
Yeah. He just really irritates me,
that's all.
156
00:09:05,403 --> 00:09:11,562
As Carl Jung says, "That which
irritates us about others leads to an understanding of ourselves."
157
00:09:11,569 --> 00:09:14,289
Was that a bit irritating? Yeah.
158
00:09:21,620 --> 00:09:23,579
Martin! Hey!
159
00:09:23,582 --> 00:09:25,141
Just go with me, yeah.
160
00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:29,583
What? Just, yeah, that's it.
Yeah, all right, I'll give you a call some time.
161
00:09:29,589 --> 00:09:31,229
Martin.
162
00:09:42,042 --> 00:09:43,841
Can I help you, sir?
163
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:48,043
Er, I'm just smelling this.
164
00:09:48,049 --> 00:09:50,088
What is it? A leaf?
165
00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:51,731
Mmm. It's lovely.
166
00:09:55,977 --> 00:09:57,496
What are you doing?
167
00:09:57,499 --> 00:09:59,498
I'm trying to put it back on.
168
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:02,260
Do you have any glue?
Do you work here, sir? Yeah.
169
00:10:02,264 --> 00:10:04,383
I don't recognise you.
170
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:10,026
Well, um, I've got a cold.
LIFT PINGS
171
00:10:13,916 --> 00:10:16,955
So...?
172
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,639
Right!
173
00:10:18,641 --> 00:10:21,521
Well, I'd...better be getting back to
work.
174
00:10:32,136 --> 00:10:34,656
What am I doing?
175
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,459
Edward Singh.
176
00:10:37,461 --> 00:10:42,380
Eddie, I'm in trouble. I'm late
for work, but I'm stuck in the Whitgift building with no way out.
177
00:10:42,387 --> 00:10:46,186
There's an angry Russian on the
front desk. I don't know what to do.
178
00:10:46,191 --> 00:10:50,350
Well, whatever you do, don't
tell them your real name. Gotcha.
179
00:10:50,355 --> 00:10:52,234
Why? Not sure.
180
00:10:52,237 --> 00:10:53,996
Just seemed like the
right thing to say.
181
00:10:53,999 --> 00:10:56,358
Look, I need you to come
here and get me out.
182
00:10:56,362 --> 00:11:01,521
But there's nothing I can do, Don.
You know I teach English to foreign students on Mondays.
183
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:04,326
I can't just abandon them.
184
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,450
Don?
185
00:11:07,974 --> 00:11:11,373
Is everything OK, sir?
That was my friend Don.
186
00:11:11,378 --> 00:11:16,017
He says he's trapped in a
tall building surrounded by Russians, with no way out.
187
00:11:16,023 --> 00:11:19,503
Is that not the plot to Die Hard?
188
00:11:24,512 --> 00:11:26,831
'What is this place?
189
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:28,554
'I better get out quick.
190
00:11:38,527 --> 00:11:42,566
'I'll just stay here until they've
gone - yeah, they won't be long.'
191
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:45,170
Excuse me,
could you copy these, please?
192
00:11:45,174 --> 00:11:47,614
Ten of each.
193
00:11:57,387 --> 00:12:00,506
You don't mind me drinking though,
do you? No, of course not.
194
00:12:00,510 --> 00:12:02,269
Just a glass or two with lunch.
195
00:12:02,272 --> 00:12:04,912
Exactly,
just a glass or two with lunch.
196
00:12:06,197 --> 00:12:07,756
Oh, am I keeping you?
197
00:12:07,758 --> 00:12:11,117
No, no. Well, I do have a
lot of papers to mark...
198
00:12:11,122 --> 00:12:14,161
Yeah, but you haven't got
any lectures this afternoon. Let's do something.
199
00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:18,364
OK, why not? Hey, maybe we could go
see that Godard double bill later?
200
00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:20,009
Or...
201
00:12:20,011 --> 00:12:22,130
we could do something
a bit more exciting!
202
00:12:22,134 --> 00:12:25,613
OK, how about we do some
Meow Meow and go day-clubbing?
203
00:12:25,617 --> 00:12:28,457
Have you got some?
No, of course not.
204
00:12:30,463 --> 00:12:32,583
Oh!
205
00:12:37,951 --> 00:12:40,671
PRINTER BEEPS
206
00:12:42,836 --> 00:12:44,475
Sh! Sh!
207
00:12:44,478 --> 00:12:45,917
BEEPING CONTINUES
208
00:12:45,919 --> 00:12:47,278
Stand back!
209
00:12:47,281 --> 00:12:50,360
Emergency, emergency!
210
00:12:50,364 --> 00:12:52,963
BEEPING STOPS
Oh.
211
00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:55,406
Sorry, I don't know what happened.
Don't worry.
212
00:12:55,409 --> 00:12:58,928
The LTDR1000's been a
bit of a nuisance of late.
213
00:12:58,933 --> 00:13:01,012
Naughty little copy-droid!
214
00:13:01,015 --> 00:13:03,694
Hey, you must be new? Er, yeah.
215
00:13:03,698 --> 00:13:06,217
Sort of. Barry Fairdog.
216
00:13:06,221 --> 00:13:07,900
Er, Don. Tom.
217
00:13:07,903 --> 00:13:10,422
Dontom? Is that Belgian?
218
00:13:10,425 --> 00:13:13,224
Hey, why aren't you wearing
your tie? Karen will go bonkers.
219
00:13:13,228 --> 00:13:15,627
I'd put it back on again if I
were you. I don't have a tie.
220
00:13:15,631 --> 00:13:17,390
You don't have a tie?
221
00:13:17,393 --> 00:13:21,912
Look, don't worry about me,
I won't be here long.
222
00:13:21,918 --> 00:13:24,397
Hey kid, don't beat yourself
off like that.
223
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,199
I was like you when
I first started here.
224
00:13:27,203 --> 00:13:30,122
"Ooh, will I make it
through the first week?"
225
00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:31,926
That was eight years ago!
226
00:13:35,332 --> 00:13:37,811
Uh-oh, the boss!
227
00:13:37,815 --> 00:13:40,334
Better look busy. Right, everyone.
228
00:13:40,337 --> 00:13:43,216
I'm off to do this wretched
meeting with Perry Makeover.
229
00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:45,099
Be back about four. Er, Karen?
230
00:13:45,102 --> 00:13:47,862
Shut up, Barry. Yes, Karen.
231
00:13:50,548 --> 00:13:54,667
I just don't feel the need.
I just think people should get off their faces occasionally.
232
00:13:54,673 --> 00:13:57,432
I have taken drugs, you know!
Yeah, when?
233
00:13:57,436 --> 00:13:59,035
Glastonbury. 1994.
234
00:13:59,037 --> 00:14:02,516
Shed Seven were bloody good! That
was, like, before I was even born!
235
00:14:02,521 --> 00:14:04,120
She's exaggerating.
236
00:14:04,123 --> 00:14:06,562
She's not that young.
I might as well have been.
237
00:14:06,565 --> 00:14:12,484
Come on, let's go and do something
naughty! Have you ever shagged a girl in a place that you shouldn't?
238
00:14:12,492 --> 00:14:15,971
I've never really been much of
a back-seat driver, as it were.
239
00:14:15,976 --> 00:14:18,295
Not anal!
240
00:14:18,298 --> 00:14:23,017
I mean, in like a public place or
something? You want to go dogging?
241
00:14:23,023 --> 00:14:25,783
No, silly!
242
00:14:27,468 --> 00:14:30,027
Let's go and do it in the toilets.
243
00:14:30,031 --> 00:14:31,750
It will be my present to you.
244
00:14:31,752 --> 00:14:34,111
I thought that Guy Debord
book was my present?
245
00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:37,514
Oh, God, you're no fun at all.
246
00:14:37,519 --> 00:14:40,439
All right, I'll show you who's fun!
247
00:14:42,364 --> 00:14:44,203
Come on.
248
00:14:44,206 --> 00:14:46,566
Get a room!
PHONE RINGS
249
00:14:51,894 --> 00:14:53,253
Jason?
250
00:14:53,255 --> 00:14:55,974
Don. Why aren't you here?
251
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:59,257
I'm sorry... You'd better have
a good explanation. I have.
252
00:14:59,262 --> 00:15:02,461
Basically, I'm stuck in this tall
building with no way out, there's
253
00:15:02,465 --> 00:15:05,744
an angry Russian at reception,
and I'm surrounded by all these...
254
00:15:05,749 --> 00:15:07,748
Don. Do you think I'm stupid?
255
00:15:07,751 --> 00:15:10,030
What do you mean? I've seen Die Hard.
256
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:13,392
If you're getting excuses from movie
plots again, the least you can...
257
00:15:13,397 --> 00:15:14,996
What do you mean, "again"?
258
00:15:14,999 --> 00:15:16,799
When have I ever done that?
259
00:15:20,084 --> 00:15:21,803
Sorry I'm late, Jase.
260
00:15:21,806 --> 00:15:26,645
I had a nightmare getting here. I
was stuck in traffic for ages, right, so I just got out the car and walked.
261
00:15:26,651 --> 00:15:31,290
Anyway, I stopped off for breakfast
but they wouldn't serve me any because it was one minute past.
262
00:15:31,296 --> 00:15:33,855
So I pulled out my machine gun and
started firing it...
263
00:15:33,859 --> 00:15:36,098
Isn't that the plot to Falling Down?
264
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:39,220
I was up all night watching my
neighbours through binoculars.
265
00:15:39,225 --> 00:15:41,584
I even managed to solve a murder.
Mad, eh?
266
00:15:41,587 --> 00:15:43,266
That's the film Rear Window.
267
00:15:43,269 --> 00:15:46,708
Look, I'm dating this girl
all right, who's only free in the middle of the night.
268
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,992
Well, I say 'girl',
I mean 'mannequin'.
269
00:15:48,995 --> 00:15:51,794
I say 'only free' - I mean
'comes to life'.
270
00:15:51,798 --> 00:15:53,677
Like in the film Mannequin?
271
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,439
Yeah, a bit like that.
272
00:15:55,442 --> 00:15:57,201
OK, picture the scene.
273
00:15:57,204 --> 00:16:03,084
Opening credits, a spaceship
flies over head, this is the Imperial Star Fleet...
274
00:16:04,892 --> 00:16:07,971
OK, OK.
But this time I'm telling the truth.
275
00:16:07,976 --> 00:16:09,855
Get. Here.
276
00:16:09,858 --> 00:16:12,017
Now!
277
00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:14,979
Piss off, you pathetic jobsworth.
278
00:16:14,983 --> 00:16:16,622
You're nothing to me, you hear?
279
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:18,905
Nothing!
280
00:16:20,909 --> 00:16:22,588
Psst. Dontom.
281
00:16:22,591 --> 00:16:24,111
Over here.
282
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,963
I like the way you handled that guy.
You're brave.
283
00:16:36,967 --> 00:16:38,606
Would you speak to
one of my clients?
284
00:16:38,608 --> 00:16:40,207
Oh, I wasn't actually speaking to...
285
00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:44,129
You see, he agreed to take three
projects from us but now he's stalling.
286
00:16:44,134 --> 00:16:48,693
If Karen finds out I haven't
secured them, it'll be "Adios, Senor Fairdog", you know what I mean?
287
00:16:48,699 --> 00:16:52,618
Er, no. Not really... I've never
been any good at hard-balling.
288
00:16:52,623 --> 00:16:57,623
His name's Jeffrey Underscore,
he's based in Bristol, and he sounds like he might have a moustache.
289
00:17:00,912 --> 00:17:02,671
OK, but what exactly
are we selling here?
290
00:17:02,674 --> 00:17:06,513
Ha, ha. Good one. Like it.
No, no, no. I'm serious.
291
00:17:06,518 --> 00:17:08,637
Oh, hello it's, er, Don...
292
00:17:08,641 --> 00:17:12,320
Tom. From...?
293
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:14,603
Barry Fairdog's desk.
294
00:17:14,607 --> 00:17:19,646
Yeah, I'm sorry about that but Barry
had to rush off for the afternoon because he's got... the shits.
295
00:17:19,652 --> 00:17:23,971
I know you've had a change of
heart, Jeffrey, but you've just got to make it work.
296
00:17:23,977 --> 00:17:27,536
Harder. You want me to come round
and roundhouse you in the prick?!
297
00:17:27,541 --> 00:17:30,100
That's a bit hard. OK, fine, fine.
298
00:17:30,103 --> 00:17:32,382
Don't take them then, I don't care.
299
00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:37,225
I don't know, we'll just sell
them on, make a tidy profit.
300
00:17:37,231 --> 00:17:39,350
We don't need you.
301
00:17:39,353 --> 00:17:41,952
Oh, oh, now you're interested?
302
00:17:41,956 --> 00:17:43,795
Yeah, OK.
303
00:17:43,798 --> 00:17:45,637
That's more like it.
304
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,440
Good boy, good boy.
305
00:17:49,124 --> 00:17:51,843
He's back in. My God, Dontom,
306
00:17:51,847 --> 00:17:56,326
you're a natural. You've just
got to use your balls, Barry.
307
00:17:56,332 --> 00:17:58,692
Always think with your balls.
308
00:18:00,136 --> 00:18:03,975
HE MOUTHS THE WORDS
309
00:18:03,980 --> 00:18:07,380
HE WHISTLES
310
00:18:16,713 --> 00:18:18,472
Er, do you mind?
311
00:18:18,475 --> 00:18:20,514
Not as big as I thought it would be.
312
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:23,276
Why? How big did you think...
Wait a minute, what?
313
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:27,119
Marcus Blade, head of International.
314
00:18:27,125 --> 00:18:30,164
So? Can you stop looking at my penis,
please? You're a fraud, aren't you?
315
00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:32,087
Er... You're not a temp.
316
00:18:32,090 --> 00:18:34,609
No, I'm not. What are you doing here?
317
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,532
I kinda just sneaked in.
318
00:18:36,535 --> 00:18:38,454
You belong with me. On my team.
319
00:18:38,457 --> 00:18:42,896
I saw you on that call earlier,
clearing up Fairdog's mess.
320
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:44,500
You're a genius.
321
00:18:44,503 --> 00:18:47,422
You act like it's so much bigger.
322
00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:48,665
What if someone catches us?
323
00:18:48,668 --> 00:18:51,587
That's half the fun,
thinking we're going to get caught.
324
00:18:51,591 --> 00:18:56,550
I'm not so sure, this doesn't feel
right. There's a condom machine. See, they want us to have sex.
325
00:18:56,556 --> 00:18:58,076
After you.
326
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,759
What precisely do you do at
this company? Exactly!
327
00:19:02,763 --> 00:19:04,922
What the hell are we doing here?
328
00:19:04,925 --> 00:19:06,684
No, that's what I just asked.
329
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:09,886
What say we start you on 35? 35?
330
00:19:09,890 --> 00:19:13,089
OK, look, �40,000 a year,
but that's my final offer.
331
00:19:13,094 --> 00:19:14,813
�40,000 a year?
332
00:19:14,816 --> 00:19:16,855
Oh, my God, that is millions.
333
00:19:16,858 --> 00:19:18,937
We got a deal, Dontom? Yes!
334
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:22,619
Oh, er, my name's not Dontom. You'll
need to know that for my pay slips.
335
00:19:22,624 --> 00:19:25,023
It's Don. You know?
Which is short for Donald.
336
00:19:25,027 --> 00:19:27,946
Dontom was my, um, temping name.
337
00:19:27,950 --> 00:19:30,189
Yeah, that really is a nice tip.
338
00:19:30,192 --> 00:19:32,031
A very, very nice tip.
339
00:19:32,034 --> 00:19:33,954
Welcome to the team.
340
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,719
Hey, beautiful Dontom.
341
00:19:40,723 --> 00:19:42,242
What's going down, dude?
342
00:19:42,245 --> 00:19:44,524
I've just been promoted.
343
00:19:44,527 --> 00:19:46,206
What?
344
00:19:46,209 --> 00:19:48,728
Yeah, Marcus Blade just
offered me a place on his team.
345
00:19:48,732 --> 00:19:50,651
You fucking bitch! What?!
346
00:19:50,654 --> 00:19:54,373
Fucking traitor bitch slut fuck.
347
00:19:54,378 --> 00:19:58,017
All right, Barry, come on.
348
00:19:58,022 --> 00:20:00,461
I haven't been
promoted in eight years.
349
00:20:00,465 --> 00:20:05,144
And you just waltz in
here and go from temp to international in an afternoon.
350
00:20:05,150 --> 00:20:07,869
Barry, I'm not actually a temp.
351
00:20:07,872 --> 00:20:10,432
Oh! Rub it in why don't you?!
352
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,599
Why won't they promote ME?
353
00:20:18,604 --> 00:20:20,923
WHY?
354
00:20:20,926 --> 00:20:22,926
Argh!
SPLAT!
355
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,975
Don't worry about him.
Does that every week. Buffoon.
356
00:20:32,979 --> 00:20:34,618
Ambulance for Barry Fairdog.
357
00:20:34,621 --> 00:20:36,980
Now, let me show you
where you'll be sitting.
358
00:20:36,984 --> 00:20:40,023
You want me to come over there and
roundhouse you in the prick? Oi! That's my line.
359
00:20:40,027 --> 00:20:43,587
I think you'll find you've already
been a huge influence around here.
360
00:20:45,393 --> 00:20:48,793
MUSIC: "Money For Nothing"
by Dire Straits
361
00:21:14,424 --> 00:21:16,663
This is your vessel.
362
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:19,266
I've got a great feeling about this.
363
00:21:23,674 --> 00:21:25,713
Are you Donald?
364
00:21:25,716 --> 00:21:27,715
Er, yes.
365
00:21:27,718 --> 00:21:29,437
Wow. I've heard so much about you.
366
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,200
Really? Want to fuck me later?
367
00:21:33,885 --> 00:21:37,525
Say what now?
Fuck me? You want to do that?
368
00:21:39,290 --> 00:21:41,930
Er, yes. Great.
369
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:51,659
PHONE RINGS
370
00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:59,386
Jason. OK, Don. I've given you plenty
of warning but I'm afraid you're...
371
00:21:59,392 --> 00:22:01,111
I'm resigning! Fired. What?
372
00:22:01,114 --> 00:22:04,033
You can stick your job
where the sun doesn't shine.
373
00:22:04,037 --> 00:22:07,797
Oh, and I don't mean Penge.
374
00:22:10,444 --> 00:22:14,243
I'll have that.
I'll have that. I'll have that.
375
00:22:14,248 --> 00:22:19,887
I'll... Ooh, Waterworld Triple
Disc Director's Cut, No Way Out. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.
376
00:22:19,894 --> 00:22:23,173
'Finally I've got a great job with
proper wages.
377
00:22:23,177 --> 00:22:25,856
'It wasn't an accident I walked
into this building today.
378
00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:27,419
'It was my destiny.
379
00:22:27,422 --> 00:22:30,061
'Should I treat myself
to a holiday this year?
380
00:22:30,065 --> 00:22:32,064
'Yeah, I've earned it.'
381
00:22:32,067 --> 00:22:34,587
Oh, yes! Yes!
382
00:22:35,791 --> 00:22:38,350
Oh! Yeah!
383
00:22:38,354 --> 00:22:41,593
This is so naughty.
384
00:22:41,597 --> 00:22:44,317
God, there's a lot of
graffiti in here.
385
00:22:47,564 --> 00:22:50,643
"Your mum is gay".
I mean, how can they be so certain?
386
00:22:50,647 --> 00:22:52,806
Babe, shut up.
387
00:22:52,809 --> 00:22:54,808
"Terry Banter's dads got AIDS"?
388
00:22:54,811 --> 00:22:58,490
There's no apostrophe
after the word dad.
389
00:22:58,495 --> 00:23:00,174
Maybe Terry Banter's got two dads.
390
00:23:00,177 --> 00:23:03,296
Babe, you are not marking
homework now. Sh! Sh!
391
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:05,939
What? I think I can hear someone.
392
00:23:05,943 --> 00:23:07,222
HE COUGHS
393
00:23:07,225 --> 00:23:09,584
Oh, God, there's someone out there.
394
00:23:09,587 --> 00:23:12,106
OK, well just be quiet
and maybe they'll go.
395
00:23:12,110 --> 00:23:15,869
I think it's best you stop
what you're doing and leave.
396
00:23:15,874 --> 00:23:17,873
This is not what you're thinking.
397
00:23:17,876 --> 00:23:20,075
I'm helping her...
to go to the toilet.
398
00:23:20,078 --> 00:23:24,357
I'm his... daughter. What?!
399
00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:26,722
Well, they might believe it,
you do look older than me.
400
00:23:26,725 --> 00:23:28,724
Oh, great. Now you sound like Don.
401
00:23:28,728 --> 00:23:30,767
Why are you bringing him into this?
402
00:23:30,770 --> 00:23:34,090
I'll be waiting outside. I expect
to see you there in 20 seconds.
403
00:23:37,577 --> 00:23:40,457
It's 20 seconds. We've got time to
finish, right?
404
00:23:43,183 --> 00:23:45,862
Do you want me to come over there
and roundhouse you in the prick?
405
00:23:45,866 --> 00:23:50,345
Come on, use your balls.
Think with your balls, goddammit!
406
00:23:50,351 --> 00:23:55,030
Er, why are you speaking
to our clients like that?
407
00:23:55,036 --> 00:23:58,475
What's with all the pricks and balls
talk? Where the hell's your tie?
408
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,119
I'm just copying the new boy, Donald.
409
00:24:01,122 --> 00:24:04,441
Ah, Karen. Need to dialogue with
you vis-a-vis Donald, the new boy I've taken on.
410
00:24:04,446 --> 00:24:07,526
He's amazing. And he's got a
beautiful tip.
411
00:24:09,331 --> 00:24:13,050
You've done what? Oh, Jesus.
Right, listen up everyone!
412
00:24:13,055 --> 00:24:16,934
I understand Marcus here's
been promoting people.
413
00:24:16,939 --> 00:24:20,138
Well, you shouldn't pay attention
to Marcus. He's fired.
414
00:24:20,143 --> 00:24:22,422
What?! That's madness, come on!
415
00:24:22,425 --> 00:24:25,184
Sorry, Marcus. You're a liability.
416
00:24:25,188 --> 00:24:29,267
You keep employing people
without authority.
417
00:24:29,272 --> 00:24:33,071
Now, I need to speak
with this Donald person.
418
00:24:33,077 --> 00:24:35,677
Well, come on. Who's Donald?
419
00:24:39,804 --> 00:24:43,523
I'm Donald. I'm Donald.
420
00:24:43,528 --> 00:24:45,168
I'm Donald.
421
00:24:48,813 --> 00:24:52,253
Wow, you guys are doing
a Spartacus for me?
422
00:24:54,339 --> 00:24:56,898
No. My name's actually Donald.
423
00:24:56,902 --> 00:24:58,661
Yeah, so's mine. That's weird.
424
00:24:58,664 --> 00:25:03,063
Donald and Donald, sit down.
I know who you both are, you fools.
425
00:25:03,069 --> 00:25:05,788
So, you're Donald?
426
00:25:05,792 --> 00:25:08,831
Er, one of them.
427
00:25:08,835 --> 00:25:12,914
I don't like hard-balling clients,
and I don't like a slapdash attitude to tie wearing.
428
00:25:12,919 --> 00:25:17,678
This organisation has a reputation
for kindness. And tie wearing.
429
00:25:17,684 --> 00:25:19,523
Look, I hear you, I do.
430
00:25:19,526 --> 00:25:22,885
But sometimes you just got to
bust a few chops, right?
431
00:25:22,890 --> 00:25:25,769
What? Donald. This is a charity.
432
00:25:25,773 --> 00:25:27,932
So that's what you do here!
433
00:25:27,935 --> 00:25:29,814
Right, you're a...
434
00:25:29,817 --> 00:25:31,656
charity?
435
00:25:31,659 --> 00:25:35,258
And we do not bust people's chops.
436
00:25:35,263 --> 00:25:37,542
We find homes for war orphans.
437
00:25:37,546 --> 00:25:39,465
Oh, shit.
438
00:25:39,468 --> 00:25:40,907
OK, fine.
439
00:25:40,909 --> 00:25:44,428
Don't take them, I don't care.
440
00:25:44,433 --> 00:25:48,312
I don't know, we'll just sell
them on, make a tidy profit.
441
00:25:48,317 --> 00:25:50,036
You mean I was selling war orphans?
442
00:25:50,039 --> 00:25:53,598
'Warphans', yes. And we're
not selling them! My God, man!
443
00:25:53,603 --> 00:25:57,122
His methods get results, Karen.
Hush, Marcus!
444
00:25:57,127 --> 00:25:59,926
Now I want you to clear your desk
immediately. You're firing me.
445
00:25:59,930 --> 00:26:03,609
Do all of those few hours I've been
at this company mean nothing?
446
00:26:03,614 --> 00:26:06,533
You can go back to your temp job.
447
00:26:06,537 --> 00:26:08,296
Temp job? I don't have a temp job.
448
00:26:08,299 --> 00:26:10,218
I was just...
449
00:26:10,221 --> 00:26:13,780
hiding in this building. What?
450
00:26:13,784 --> 00:26:16,943
I was hiding from my flatmate
and her boyfriend.
451
00:26:16,948 --> 00:26:22,227
Please don't fire me, Karen. I've
already told my real boss to shove his job where the sun don't shine.
452
00:26:22,233 --> 00:26:25,672
What? Penge?
Please, Karen, please. Don't fire me.
453
00:26:25,677 --> 00:26:27,876
This job means so much to me.
454
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:32,279
I've never had a job with such
good wages before. Please! Oh, shit.
455
00:26:32,284 --> 00:26:34,603
I bought a speedboat on the internet.
456
00:26:34,607 --> 00:26:36,886
Please, Karen, please.
457
00:26:36,889 --> 00:26:38,848
I'm an orphan too.
458
00:26:38,851 --> 00:26:41,011
Please.
459
00:26:42,575 --> 00:26:45,974
If we see you near these premises
again we'll call the police.
460
00:26:45,979 --> 00:26:49,538
Get off! Ow!
461
00:26:49,543 --> 00:26:51,982
What's going on with you two?
462
00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:54,304
Jesus, the service here is terrible.
463
00:26:54,308 --> 00:26:57,307
You're telling me. We just got
caught shagging in the toilets.
464
00:26:57,311 --> 00:26:59,710
Really?
465
00:26:59,714 --> 00:27:01,553
Wow, that's... Exciting?
466
00:27:01,556 --> 00:27:04,436
Yeah. Come on.
467
00:27:06,481 --> 00:27:09,080
You've finished work early, Don.
468
00:27:09,084 --> 00:27:12,123
Oh, God. Babe, he never
actually worked there.
469
00:27:12,127 --> 00:27:14,806
Did you?
470
00:27:14,810 --> 00:27:17,729
Nah. I don't get what's going on.
471
00:27:17,733 --> 00:27:20,652
Brian, I have no career, OK.
472
00:27:20,656 --> 00:27:24,695
Just a crappy little part-time job.
473
00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:26,379
At least I hope I have.
474
00:27:26,382 --> 00:27:29,741
Shit, I'm going to have to call Jason
and do some serious arse-licking.
475
00:27:29,746 --> 00:27:33,545
Oh, God. I think my hangover's
coming. My head feels like syrup.
476
00:27:33,550 --> 00:27:35,869
See you later, Barry.
477
00:27:35,872 --> 00:27:38,591
Bye, Dontom. Stay in touch!
478
00:27:38,595 --> 00:27:42,994
'So, like I said, my name's Don
Danbury and this How Not to...
479
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,920
'Well, you get the idea.'
480
00:27:44,970 --> 00:27:49,520
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