Original subtitles

I'm working at this exhibition centre at the moment.

It's good 'cause I don't have to get up early.

I still manage to be late every day.

- What time do you call this? - And a good morning to you too, Jason.

What time do you call this?

Morning time?

Why are you late?

- Only by 12 minutes. - Why are you late, Don?

- Do you repeat everything you say? - I want an answer now, Don.

- Well? - Not everything, then.

I was late because...

I was late because I couldn't care less

about this pathetic excuse for a job.

All right?

Look, 12 minutes late ain't bad,

considering I'm absolutely off my face on cheap gin and ecstasy.

I was late because...

I was buying you...

a gift.

Yeah, it's a shoe.

Fuck off. I'm late. Deal with it.

I want an answer now, Don.

Look, I was late because... of...

a bus?

Pathetic.

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Dickheads Team

Sync: mpm & Arrow

Episode 201 Don Dates a Cougar

My job is to show toss-pots around,

giving them info I was meant to have learnt.

This latest exhibition was by some guy called Sean Shirtshaw.

This piece is called...

Me, dot, dot, dot, or You?

I've always liked the idea of picking up women in an art gallery.

Highbrow pulling.

- Excuse me. - Yeah?

- When was it done? - I dunno.

In the past?

Right, come on!

But we haven't seen all these.

Yeah, to be honest, they're a bit pony. Come on, come on!

It was like she'd just vanished.

So, what's the story behind this piece?

What do you know about this painting?

Well, as you can see, Shirtshaw used a big brush.

Shall we go back that way? Come on.

But you said They weren't very interesting.

No, I said they were a bit pony.

But they are interesting. Come on! Chop chop.

Maybe she left.

Shit!

Is the name of this next piece.

Why is it called that?

You are really getting on my balls, mister.

Fine.

But why is this called Shit?

I dunno. Maybe he meant it to be yellow?

Why don't you lot just sort of browse

and discuss amongst yourselves? I'll be back to collect you in a minute.

Powerful.

Not sure I like it myself.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

It's powerful... yet somehow rubbish.

You not a fan of Sean Shirtshaw?

He's just a Rothko rip-off,

in my humble opinion.

Gee, you're right there.

I wouldn't be surprised if Rothko came round here and started kicking off.

I would, seeing as he's, well... dead.

Rothko's dead?

He died in 1970.

Well, then Shirtshaw's got nothing to worry about.

This Rothko fella's never gonna find out.

- I'm Don, if you're interested. - I'm Rosie.

What a beautiful name.

- Thank you. - Like a gypsy.

- You work here, don't you? - I do, yes.

Oh, I love art.

It's so...

arty.

I think they're waiting for you.

You do know it's rude to eavesdrop?

Hurry up. I want a go.

Do you mind if Don does your feet for a bit?

{Yeah, }All right.

Not a go on her, you pillock.

- I want you to massage me. - Oh, right.

Wouldn't touch Mrs T's feet.

It'd be like stroking cold lumps of Parmesan.

You'd be lucky to touch my feet.

You wish I'd touch your feet.

- Hey, guys. - Afternoon, Samantha.

- Everyone, this is Clint. - Hi.

- I'm gonna grab us some drinks. - Cool.

- Cool name, Clint. - Oh, thanks.

Well, that depends.

- Excuse me? - What's your surname?

It's Selway.

Clint Selway...

- All right? - No. My husband's dead.

You all right?

Yes, thank you. Fine.

- {Right, }Shall we go upstairs? - Yes.

Rude.

We've a massive paper to hand in{y the end of the week}. We're going to study.

Going to "study".

Yes, actually, Don. Clint is a friend from university.

Right. "Friend".

You are such an idiot.

"Such."

Nice to meet you.

Sure thing, Clintoss.

- He seems nice. - Seems like a tosser.

What?

It's one of my skills. Spotting tossers.

Yeah, up on the heath.

Bite me, Gollum!

That night I had a date with Rosie, the old gypsy.

She took me to see a play.

I didn't have the heart to tell her I absolutely hated the theatre.

- Ready? - Can't wait.

Well, not until we've had sex, anyway.

I don't get why theatre is always so boring.

Sorry.

Peter! How's it going?

You good? Yeah... No, I'm watching a play.

No, it's shit.

- Do you want a nacho? - No, thank you.

The male actor's just told the female actor

he doesn't want to see her any more.

She's started to cry.

He's crying now, as well.

Unconvincingly.

Hold that.

Because...

they were my family.

You know, I didn't think I'd enjoy

a three-and-a-half-hour gritty drama about heroin addiction, but...

well, it was fun.

I'm not sure you should have shouted out during that actor's monologue, though.

I thought he was talking to me.

Oh, God!

What happened?

What happened?!

You caught AIDS, remember?

Who would forget something like that?

Oh, God!

What happened?

He's forgotten again.

AIDS! You got AIDS!

Sorry if I embarrassed you.

It's fine.

So...

you wanna {come in and }meet the twins?

I would love to meet the twins.

Now, I ought to explain something.

Rosie has two sons. Yes. Two kids.

So when she said...

You wanna {come in and }meet the twins?

... she actually meant her twins.

But I thought she meant her girlie bumps.

I didn't know she had kids.

I'm very proud of my boys.

Well, you should be.

They ought to be in bed, really.

Would you object to me getting into bed with them?

What?

Sorry. Too soon?

Now, remember, the slightly bigger one's called Gavin

and the other one's called Ray. OK?

OK. Not sure what's weirder.

The fact that you've named them, or that they're different sizes.

- They're not identical. - Really?

No, one's got much darker hair than the other.

Boys...

this is Don.

Twins.

{I can tell }You're freaked out by the boys, aren't you?

No. Well, you know...

It's just a bit of a shock, that's all.

I did try telling you about them.

Really? When?

I ought to tell you straight away, Don,

I do come with some baggage.

Hey, it's fine.

Come here. Look...

let me.

I've got two young lads.

- That's cool. - Yeah?

I'm happy for us to see other people.

That one's doing really well in physics at the moment.

Your cats do physics?

That is amazing!

Are you sure you're not put off by my being a mother?

Haven't you ever wanted to get with a MYLF?

Come on.

Let's say good night to the twins.

As in, my actual sons.

Right, yeah.

- Hey you. - Nothing.

You don't have to hide the fact that you're watching porn.

- I'm not Abby. - I wasn't watching porn.

No, no, no. Right, you're typing up a spreadsheet?

I was watching a porncom, actually.

A what?

A porncom. Look...

- You're a tool! - It's a porn sitcom.

Hey! How about I use this tool?

Oh, yeah, take that, bitch.

Hey, how about you put your tool in my ass?

What, is that canned laughter?

No, no. They film it in front of a live studio audience.

Do they? That's quite impressive.

So, what are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

Been revising all night. I feel like my brain's stopped working.

Hey, this is what it must feel like to be you!

Very funny.

So, Clint?

The "friend".

What bit of "friend" do you not understand?

The "friend" bit.

- He clearly fancies you. - Grow up.

- Me grow up? Look who's talking. - What?

You go to university. That's what young people do.

You make no sense.

I am the grown-up here.

I'm dating this MILF, right.

She's got two kids.

- I'm basically a papa. - So you're gonna carry on seeing her?

God, no! It's over.

End credits. Two kids?

Kaput.

I hope you don't phrase it like that to her.

Hey, maybe I should leave out the "kaput" bit?

Good night.

Right...

I still miss Abby.

When she lived here, she kept the room as it was,

with all my nan's decor and stuff.

I never asked her why.

Sam, on the other hand, she's changed things.

I dunno why I panicked.

I didn't want Sam to find me sneaking about in her room.

I know. Hiding in the cupboard - so cliched.

Hello?

Hello?

All right?

Sleepwalking.

This isn't the ground floor.

Ground floor.

How did you get down those stairs so quick?

So this is what it's like to be a shirt.

Do you mind? I'm trying to take a shit.

You won't tell Sam about this, will you?

What you need to understand about me, Clint,

is I'm someone you can trust.

I can trust you?

Did I say "can"?

Sorry, I meant to say "can't".

I'm someone you can't trust.

Please!

Don't tell her about this.

- I'll think about it. - I would,

If I were you. Cos maybe I'll tell her

that I caught you hiding in her cupboard.

I'll think about it.

There was nothing to think about. I was telling Sam.

Because A, I win my point about Clint fancying her,

and B... Well, there's no B. It's just A.

That night, I went over to Rosie's house

to try and end it with her, but she'd invited some friends to join us.

Don, how have you found things since the crunch?

Since what, sorry?

- The crunch. - The credit crunch?

I've heard of that.

Didn't really affect me. As long as there's money for sambuca.

Right, Peter? Yeah! Right? Right?

So, you didn't have any debts?

Loans? Credit cards?

Are you kidding me? I had loads, but I sorted it all.

I saw this piece on This Morning, with Fern and Pip Schofield.

Anyway, this guy was saying,

"If you have any debts, just cut up your credit cards."

So I did. Hey presto.

No more debts.

Right. Yeah, gotcha!

Where did you find him? He's hilarious.

It was so adult.

And not in the good, sexy sense of the word.

Will you excuse me?

I really need to do a shit.

What's the joke?

You should see this clip on YouTube,

- it's wicked! - What is it?

It's a man being killed by electric chair.

It's well cool, look.

Jesus!

That is the shit!

Here, look, I'll show you something. This is well cool.

I mean, say what you like about him,

but you should see Morgan, he's got a massive...

- Would you excuse me a second? - Sure.

So, Morgan, he's got a massive...

That's rubbish.

Doesn't anyone die?

No, it's a comedy.

Put your tool in my ass!

Have you seen the clip with the woman singing karaoke?

What's so great about that?

There's a midget pulling all her teeth out

while she sings.

That sounds wicked.

- Come on. Bedtime, don't you think? - Really?

Well, I normally stay up until at least 12.

I was talking to the boys.

Come on. Bedtime, boys.

- Night. - Night, Mum. Night, Don.

Whatever!

I really appreciate that.

- What? - You.

Making an effort with the boys.

It means a lot to me.

I wanted to tell her I wasn't up for this,

but she made it so difficult.

You know, I've gotta be honest.

I didn't think you'd stick around once you'd found out about them.

Hey, course I'm sticking around.

I was already a bit paranoid you thought I was too old for you.

Too old?

Don't be silly.

Damn, it was like she was reading my thoughts aloud.

Come on.

Let's go back downstairs.

See? I was just thinking we should go back downstairs.

There we go.

I can't believe she makes you take her to the toilet.

I'd rather that than she wet herself. Anyway, I take you to the toilet.

I don't think so.

You probably wouldn't remember, it's normally when you're drunk.

What exactly is wrong with you, anyway?

My husband's dead. Remember?

And that means you can't walk because...?

When people go through something as traumatic

as the loss of a loved one, the stress alone

can have profound physical effects.

Excuse me, Eddipedia.

Sam. Can I have word?

Sure, what?

In private?

I'll be upstairs.

Did you give him keys to the house yesterday?

What? Sorry. He offered to rush back and grab me some books.

Why? Did he catch you masturbating?

Actually, no. But it's funny you should say that, because I saw him...

If it's this "he's in love with me" nonsense again,

- I'd really rather you didn't. - No, but I actually saw him...

What is it with you? Just because you don't have any female friends.

- I have loads, thank you very much. - Name me one.

- Abby. - The girl you're secretly in love with

who is now on the other side of the planet?

OK, fair point.

You.

- Me? - Yes, you.

You see?

If you say you're not my friend, that would be cruel, which you're not.

And if you say you are, then I win.

Unless, of course, you secretly fancy me

or I secretly fancy you, that is.

As if!

Ridiculous!

Look, Don, can you please stop going on about it?

I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

You could say I was being nice, but I was being a coward.

Thank you.

And then, there was this one time

when he was so drunk, not only did he wet himself,

but he defecated all the way up his back.

It was hideous!

What are you talking about?

Dot was just telling me

- a story about her beloved husband. - But you were the one talking.

So, how's it going with that older gypsy woman?

Still courting?

It's not good.

She's nice and all that. And the sexy boom-boom is great.

The older you get, the better the sex is.

I don't wanna hear that from you.

Great! Now I've got an image of you in my mind.

Am I on top?

If not, it isn't me you've got in your mind.

I can't handle this any more.

- What am I gonna do about her? - I could give her a {*couple of extra }Valium.

- That normally quietens her. - What?

Not her! Rosie. The gypsy.

I need to end it. But what am I gonna say to her?

"You're too ancient"? I mean, that's horrible.

I'm gonna have to think of another reason.

{I think }You're finally growing as a person.

- You hippy! - No, I mean it.

You're definitely becoming more... well, mature.

Why don't you eat shit, Eddie? I don't wanna be mature.

Not if it means dinner parties and talking about the credit crunch.

Je-sus!

- So, what are you gonna do, then? - I dunno.

But I'm gonna have to think with my balls.

I need to do some more toilet.

In a minute, Dot.

Honestly, sometimes it feels like she and I are a couple.

Clever balls, Eddie.

OK, she's spotted us.

All right! We're acting, remember? Acting.

OK, here she comes.

All right!

- Shit. You've caught me. - What?

What do you mean?

OK, I admit it.

Yeah. I've been seeing someone else.

Sorry, caught you doing what?

Is this that slut you told me about?

Yeah, all right, Mrs Treacher... I mean, darling.

What, you mean, you and her?

What so funny about that?

Yeah, me and her.

We've been...

lovers

for a while now.

Look... I should've said something.

I'm sorry.

I just couldn't bring myself to say...

well, that you're just too...

What? I'm just too what?

Young.

I like them old.

I know. It's weird.

Some people think it's disgusting. But it's just my thing.

You don't need a wheelchair

or someone to wipe your bum after you've been to the toilet.

That's the sort of thing that gets me going.

What can I say?

I'm just a sucker for the wrinkles.

Look at her. She's just a child.

You filthy paedo!

Shush your mouth, Mrs T...

I mean, babe.

- What are you doing? - I'm putting this on YouTube.

It's sick.

It worked a treat.

Actually, it didn't. But Rosie was so offended

by how far I'd gone with the lie,

she said she never wanted to see me again.

So it sort of worked.

It was weird.

The first thing I wanted to do was tell Sam what had happened.

I knew she'd piss herself laughing at the whole escapade.

Oh, God.

I couldn't believe I was doing this again.

All right, come on.

Come on, then.

All right?

- I'm so sorry. - No, it's all right.

Don't... you...

dare.

Maybe.

Jesus, do you live in there?

You are one sick pervert.

I'm not the one who hides in cupboards.

Yeah, granted. This doesn't look good.

I saw what you were about to do.

I wasn't gonna do anything. I was just...

looking.

I love her!

Just get out, Clint.

I'll tell her about your cupboard fetish.

Fine. She already has a low opinion of me,

so I've got nothing to lose.

Go on, get out. And I want you to stop hanging around her.

Otherwise I'll tell her everything.

Now go on, get lost, you creepy student.

I feel rough.

My face looks like shoes.

Did you get... hammered last night?

We were celebrating getting our papers in on time.

- Morning! - Morning, Don.

- You all right, Mrs T? - Yes!

That was a message from Clint.

He says he can't hang out with me any more.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he's started seeing some girl and she's not comfortable with him

having female friends. What an idiot!

So you see, Don?

I was right.

- What are you blabbering on about? - Well, he wasn't interested in me.

He's seeing someone else.

Told you.

All right?

I'll be at home tonight.

With not many clothes on.

Needing to be taken to the toilet...

if you know what I mean.

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