All language subtitles for How Not To Live Your Life s02e01 Dons New Flatmate.eng

So, what do you want first,

the good news or the bad news?

I tell you what,
let's go with the good news first.

Remember my flatmate, Abby,
and her boyfriend, Karl?

Well, they split up yesterday.

You see, I've been secretly
in love with Abby for years,

so I was chuffed to bits.

However, the bad news is

she moved out of the house
this morning,

leaving me all on my own.

She said she needed to get away,
so...

She's gone travelling
for six months.

I mean, travelling?

That's what students do, right?

Not teachers.

Can I please just take
your order now?

We're busy.

I'll have the noodles to start.

Noodles for main course.
And for dessert,

I'll have the... noodles.

Abby and I used to come
to this restaurant

every Wednesday night.

It was the one little thing we did
without her annoying boyfriend, Karl.

I suppose
it's just my little thing now.

{5 things you shouldn't do alone
in a restaurant}

Do you mind if I just...

I'm glad I didn't choose that.

Who's a good boy? I am.

Who told you it was my birthday?

You did.

- It cost an absolute fortune.
- He said.

Well, I told you not to buy
such an expensive car, didn't I?

She retorted, angrily.

I'm on my own.

So what?!

But hey, at least now
I can flirt with the waitress.

Very forward of you.
I'll be happy to give you a call.

That's the bill.

I knew that, yeah.
I meant, happy to give you a call over

when I'm ready to pay.

God!

.:: Dickheads Team ::.

Sync: Arrow & mpm

It's been two weeks since Abby left.

To be honest,
I thought I'd cope terribly,

but I've been dealing with it well.

What?
This is dealing with it really well.

- You need to eat.
- I don't want to.

You haven't eaten anything in days.

Yes, I have.

Pick'n'mix is not food, Don.

How could you think
pick'n'mix isn't food?

- Look.
- You need some protein.

- At least just have an egg.
- OK, I'll have an egg.

Tasty.

I'm thirsty now.

Better wash it down.

Refreshing.

You need to think about renting out
Abby's old room.

- No way, Jose!
- But you need the money.

I will kiss a tramp's balls
before I let that room out, Eddie.

Bless Eddie.
The freak never stops trying to help.

Right, I need to pee.

- Oh, right. I'll help you up.
- No, it's all right.

All done.

Yeah, I found it in the attic.

Must've been my nan's.

It's very handy,
just pee when you need.

Although it does sting a bit
when you stick it in the end.

As you can see,
Eddie still turns up uninvited.

Honestly, it's got to the point where
it'd be weird if he didn't turn up.

OK, toodle-pip.

That was somebody
interested in Abby's old room.

Don doesn't know
I've advertised it yet.

I hope he doesn't try and kiss
a tramp's balls when he finds out.

He's also been looking after
Mrs Treacher,

my smelly old neighbour,
ever since her husband died.

Why can't I have dinner
in my own house?

Because I need to be here for Don.

Don't you remember
what it was like to be heartbroken?

In my day, there wasn't time
to be heartbroken.

Too busy worrying about the plague.

Well, I think the plague
was a little bit before your time, Dot.

Are you calling me a liar?

Well, well.

The monster has finally arisen.

I know something
I think will cheer you up.

What?

Mahoney turned around
and was shocked to discover the hooker

unzipping
Commandant Lassard's flies.

"Ooh", said Commandant Lassard.

It's no use, Eddie.

Not even Mahoney's antics
can cheer me up.

Well, you know what never fails
to make someone feel better?

Ketamine?

- No, a cup of tea.
- With ketamine in it?

Don, I've told you before,
horse tranquilliser's not the answer.

Abby said the word "horse" once.

Come here.

What is it, old-timer?

Snap out of it, you pathetic...

I just lost my husband.

Do you hear me going on
about it? No.

He died a horrible, bloody death.

Do you hear me
going on about that? No.

We were together for 50 years.

Do you hear me
going on about that? No.

Well, you are actually
going on about it.

Jesus Christ!

And stop blaspheming!

Will you please stop? I beg of you!

Let's not be too hard on him,
hey, Dot?

He has just lost the woman he loves.

He has no idea about loss.

He's a selfish...

Please, Dot!
Let's not use that word.

He's not completely selfish.

It was his idea I look after you,
wasn't it?

It was also his idea I pay you
a lot of money to do it, wasn't it?

Wouldn't surprise me
if he kept it all from you.

He takes a cut
for coming up with the idea,

but it's completely fair.

OK, here's the deal.
I'll take 15%...

- Deal.
- ... and give it to you.

I'll keep the rest.

Great!

Is that fair?

Let's just try and be more positive
around him, hey?

Right,

I'm going out.

Are you sure you'll be all right?

I don't need you
to do everything for me.

- Sorry.
- Now, can you lend me 50 pounds?

Sure.

Great.
Could you tie my shoelaces up?

- Sure thing.
- Thanks.

Actually, do I smell?
Cos I haven't had a shower in days.

Let's see.

One second.

Right, arms up.

So, going anywhere interesting?

Well, if you must know,
I'm going for some therapy.

You're getting professional help?

I mean, ever since she left,
I've just felt really empty

and alone and lost.

I mean, it's so unlike me.

Sorry, hon. That's time.

This is Honey, my therapist.

I think I need to book
another appointment.

£20.

One,

two...

two ten...

For some strange reason,

Honey's therapy didn't seem
to be solving any of my issues.

I know. It's weird, eh?

But then something happened.

I was having a traditional
manly pint

when I overheard
this couple talking.

I'm so, so sorry, Charlotte.

I shouldn't have slept with her.

It was wrong.

I only cheated on you
cos we've been so unhappy recently.

It's not an excuse,

but you know what I'm saying,
don't you?

Yeah, I do.

Do you mind?

Do you?

It's just this is really
helping me solve some issues.

As you were.

Poor thing.

It actually was helping me
solve some issues.

Right, listen up, everybody.

Now, you may not have noticed,

but I've been a bit down
in the dumps lately.

It's all right.

Why would you have noticed,
you know? I forgive you.

But I am feeling much,
much better now.

And I owe it all to Perry

and his probably now
ex-girlfriend, Charlotte.

- Who?
- Let me explain.

Abby's gone away
for six months, right?

Well, maybe when she gets back
she and I will get together then.

And if we do get together,

then I won't be able to have
sexy intercourse with other women

because... Well, apparently,
it's frowned upon.

So, really, I should just enjoy
being single while it lasts.

Who's to say Abby will be interested
in you when she gets back?

Shush your mouth, Yoda.

I am going to whore myself around
for six months.

I'm gonna be a slut.

A slapper. A man-slag.

A bloke-bitch. A boy-harlot.

A mister of the evening.

A dirty sex-bike

for any semi-attractive woman
to ride.

There he is.

The old Don's finally come home.
Good to have you back, sexy pants.

- It's good to be back, Eddie.
- Come here.

Hug me and I'll roundhouse you
in the prick.

Just like old times.

Now is probably a good time
to tell him about the room.

What's the wrinkly midget
talking about?

You know I'm working
at the university two nights a week?

What, you're a teacher?

No, a cleaner.

I put an ad up there. For the room.

Don't worry, I specified a female.

And I've already had interest.

Exciting, huh?

Too late, my friend.

I've already offered the room out
a couple of hours ago.

- You were right. I need the money.
- What? Who?

There's a VIP room here.

For only £300 an hour.

Honey, that's a rip-off.

There's a room in my house
for only £300 a month.

Turns out she actually
needs the room. Cool, eh?

Your psychiatrist wants
to move in with you?

Honey's not really
that kind of therapist.

- What kind of therapist is she?
- She's a, sort of, stripper-therapist.

She's a stripper.

Why would you want
to live with a woman

who takes her clothes off
for a living?

I still have so much to teach thee.

Look, I think you'd really like my one.
The student.

- She's a mature student.
- Double urgh.

Look, just meet with her.

And then decide which one
you want to move in.

Stripper or student?

Stripper? Student?

Stripper? Student?

This is gonna be tough. Stripper...

It wasn't gonna be a tough decision.

Just in case you missed the sarcasm.

And so I woke up this morning
feeling optimistic about life.

Hello?

It's been a while since
I've had the place to myself.

Better make the most of it.

There is nothing more pleasurable

than being naked in the comfort
of your own home.

Frying, no clothes?

Ba-keda beans.

Eddie, good. You're here.

I've just spilled my beans
all down my legs.

We're not alone.

Yeah, well, I know that.
There's two of us, right?

No, no. What I mean is...

there's someone else here.

Really? Who?

You do know that we can see
your cock and balls, right?

And they've been expecting you,
Mr Bond.

They're not mine.

No, this is a lifelike body suit.

Underneath this,
I'm wearing thermals.

We're naturists, yeah.

Didn't Eddie tell you?

I'm Don.

Sleepwalking.

Sorry, I'll just tuck them away.

There we go, all gone.

What's that?

Don't you think
you ought to put something on?

Pardon me.

Sorry, you must think
I'm a bit weird.

I did... a minute ago,

but now you're wearing
an old woman's dressing gown,

so you seem perfectly normal.

Don't worry.
This is my nan's.

Well, was.

She's dead now, so...

That's... normal.

Look...

Let's start again.

I'm Don.

Samantha.

Take a look around.

So you're a mature student?

What are you studying?
Literary criticism.

Literally criticism?

What, there's a course
in literally... criticism?

That sounds easy.
I could do that.

Eddie, you have a rubbish forehead.
See?

No, literary criticism. As in books?

Books. Right.

I see
why you'd wanna criticise them.

- They're pretty boring, aren't they?
- Right.

I see what you mean.

Sorry, what was that... little moment
you two shared there?

No, nothing.
Just that Eddie said that sometimes

you give off an odd
first impression.

And second.
And, actually, a third.

How could you say such things?

Look, he's not all bad.

He did a sponsored walk
when he was 13.

That is true. I did, yeah.

You can walk?
That's impressive!

- Can I take a look at the bedroom?
- Sure,

- it's up the stairs, 1st on the right.
- Great.

She's actually quite fit.

Yeah, yeah. She does seem healthy.

No, fit.
As in, "I'd sleep with her".

Why? You have your own bed.
It's perfectly comfortable, isn't it?

What is it with you, Eddie?
Why do you never just run with me?

You don't like running.

I bet Sam does, though.
She seems pretty fit.

How was the room?

If I'm honest, it looked like
it had been sick on itself.

- Sorry.
- Jeez, say what you think, love.

Well, I guess that
was literally criticism.

Do you think you might
be interested?

Look, it's very hard to say no
to that price.

It's a very generous offer.

What?
I only did what you taught me.

I tell you what.

I'll let you have it

for 15% of the asking price.

Great. Great!

My God!

This is a major breakthrough!

15%? You stupid piece of shit!

Right, it was nice meeting you.

Really?

Kind of.

- I'll show you to the door.
- It's fine.

I'll manage, thanks.

I'll be in touch.

Well, looks like you haven't
scared her off completely.

What? What do you mean,
I haven't scared her off?

I don't think
you standing there nude helped.

Maybe seeing me naked's
the reason she's still interested.

- Well, I thought she was nice.
- She's pretty hot.

So you did like her, then?

There was something about her.

She does that annoying thing
people do.

- What?
- She reads books.

I wanna live with someone
who's gonna be fun.

Not some posh boffin

who spends her time
swotting up on homework.

You never know, she might be fun.

I want to live with Honey.

Really, Don.

What has this Honey person
got over Samantha?

A: she's a stripper...

- Is there a B?
- No. No B.

Why don't you take Samantha
for a drink, get to know her better?

I tell you what...
We'll take them both out,

and then that way,
we'll see who's more fun.

I wouldn't want them to feel
they were fighting for the room.

Hey, that's a good idea!
Let's get them to fight for the room.

Imagine them two fighting.

Clever balls, Eddie!

All right, we won't make them fight.

Get them to wrestle, though.

An arm wrestle?

Pat-a-cake?

And so that night,
we took Honey and Sam out

to a cool little place I frequent
called the Nineteen Eaties.

Neither of them knew why
the other one was there, of course.

- Drinks?
- Yes. I'll have a milk, please.

- Honey?
- No, just as it comes.

No, I'm talking to Honey.

- Cos I thought that you...
- Yeah, shush your mouth, Eddie.

- Honey, would you like a drink?
- No, I don't drink.

Sorry? What? You don't drink?

No, I just don't enjoy alcohol.
Never have.

- What do you blame your mistakes on?
- Some people just aren't drinkers, Dom.

Oh, my God!

You're not going to believe this,
but Michael Jackson's over there.

I thought he was dead?

It's a themed restaurant.

Very classy.

All the staff
are'80s superstars. Look...

There's A-Ha serving carbonara.

Or should that be carbon-A-Ha?

Come on!

Oh, my God!
Michael Jackson's coming over.

Hi, guys. I'm Michael Jackson.

Oh, my God.

I've always wanted to meet you!

Gee, thanks.

What can I get y'all?

So who else do they have in here?

Well...

Hi, I'm Chuck Norris.
What can I get you?

Hi, we're UB40.
What can we get ya?

Who are you?

I'm Steve Guttenberg,
from Cocoon: The Return.

What can I get you?

I will have a... shot of sambuca.

I'll have a shot of sambuca, too.

And I'll have a shot of milk.

Do you think before he died,
Jackson ever bumped

into a friend
he hasn't seen for 20 years

and the friend's, like,
"Something's different.

"What is it? I can't tell.
The haircut?"

- Don't be cruel.
- Cruel?

He's the one who touched children.

Look, I gave that up years ago!

I was referring
to the actual Michael Jackson.

Right.

Drinks coming right up!

Shit!

Who'd have thought Michael Jackson
would end up working as a waiter?

Oh, my God. Right...

What kind of films do you two like?

That's a pretty random,
broad question.

Do you like, say, foreign films?

Sometimes, yeah.

OK, nope.

And do either of you snore?

I don't snore.

Good.

Do either of you like taking
your clothes off in the living room?

- Are you taking notes?
- No.

Excuse me, ladies, but I just
need to go and empty my bladder.

Actually, I'll join you, Eddie.

If you're off to take drugs,
I'm leaving right now.

I hate drugs.

Really?

My God, Honey is so stupid.

I mean, who ever heard
of a stupid stripper?

Well, Sam seems nice.

She does like Samuel Buca.

Picture yourself at home. Who would
you rather watch television with?

Don Johnson?

What?

I mean out of Sam and Honey.
Why Don Johnson?

I don't know. He just sort of
sprung to mind for some reason.

So, Sam or Honey?

OK, well, if I was watching telly
with Sam, I'd be worried

she'd get all judgmental
about what I wanna watch.

You don't know that.

Some people don't think grown men
should watch CBeebies.

But then there's Honey.
She's so stupid!

If we were watching telly
she'd probably ask me

how the little people
got in the glass box.

You look just like Limahl!

I am Limahl.

And he stays in character
when he pees. That's brilliant.

What's your name, mister?
I said, Limahl!

Yeah, all right, mate.
He was just being friendly.

I reckon you'd be moody too,
if you had to pretend to be Limahl.

Come on.

Where's Honey?

She left.

She wasn't very happy
about competing for the room.

What? How did she find out?

Guys, it was so obvious.

So why haven't you left, then?

Because I am hungry.

Right, are we gonna do these,
or what?

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

And so, after a few more hours
of drinking,

we realised we had
at least one thing in common.

One, two, three...

We both like drinking.

So, tell me,

what did you do
before you were a student?

I used to be a model.

Hang on, you quit modelling
to become a student?

Why?
I don't get it.

To learn something?

To better myself?

Nope. Still don't get it.

I dunno. I never really wanted
to be a model. My mum got me into it.

And are you...

a single woman?

I am.

Just recently.

Are you trying
to flirt with me, Dom?

Are you calling me Dom?

Yeah, why?

It's Don. Nuh. Nuh. Do-nuh.

Donna?

That's a bit strange.

But OK. Are you trying
to flirt with me, Donna?

Do you object to me flirting?

- I thought you and Eddie were a couple.
- Me and Eddie?

Me and Eddie! What a kooky notion!

And totally way off,
I'd like to add.

Well, you do act very coupley.

No, we don't!

Oh, God. Look at you. Come here.

Get off!

We are not a couple.

He just... attends to my needs.

So it's a sexual thing?

You're winding me up, aren't you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm a bit pissed.

Can I be honest?

If it's about my teeth, then, no.
I'm very sensitive about them.

It's not about your teeth.

I wasn't sure about you at first.

I wasn't sure about you!

One minute I thought you were
a total dickhead,

and the next minute I thought you
were quite endearing.

- Thank you.
- Wasn't technically a compliment.

But we're having a laugh now, right?

I think so.

Close your eyes.

What?

You just said
you thought I was endearing.

I also said I thought
you were a total dickhead.

Still the biggest
compliment I've had.

Surely this wouldn't be a good idea?
Not if we're gonna be flatmates.

Actually, it could be perfect.

You know, we could be...

sex friends.

Just nail from time to time.

What?

Imagine, right,
it's a cold Sunday night.

There's nothing on telly
except... the Antiques Roadshow,

so you and I nip upstairs,
have some sexy intercourse,

then nip back downstairs just in time
to find out what the old fella

got for his cuckoo clock.
That kind of thing.

Then, in six months' time,
when Abby returns

and I declare my love to her,
you and I can just shake hands

and go, "Thank you very much.
That was nice".

Right.

Very charmingly put.

- Thanks, Don.
- What for?

For stopping me from making
a huge and terrible mistake.

Idiot.

What the hell just happened, Don?

So, back to where I started,
all on my own again.

I'm so pleased
you decided to move in.

Oh, thank you! Thanks.

Singing in my kitchen
in my nude suit, yeah

Come on, baby

Singing in my nude...

I do hope you're gonna
kick this naked habit,

cos I don't wanna see your spotty
arse every time I'm eating dinner.

What, you're moving in?

- I thought I'd put you off.
- You had. But not from moving in.

I'm a student, Don, and I can't
say no to £45 a month, can I?

I'm still furious about that,
Eddie Singh.

Besides, just because
we're gonna be flatmates,

doesn't mean we have to be
best buddies, does it?

Anyway, I've got a lot of unpacking
to do, so...

carry on...

singing in the nude.

Get off.

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