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1
00:00:04,633 --> 00:00:07,973
Right, I'm staying
at Karl's tonight.
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,700
What? You have a house, Karl?
3
00:00:10,733 --> 00:00:12,673
Huh! I thought
you lived here.
4
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:15,570
-Bye, Don.
-See you later.
5
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,100
DON: Being in love with
Abby has made me boring.
6
00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:20,433
I used to go out
all the time partying.
7
00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:22,897
Recently I've just stayed
in watching telly.
8
00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:24,503
Oh, I know.
9
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:27,300
We should have sex tonight.
10
00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:29,233
Wouldn't that make things
quite awkward between us?
11
00:00:29,267 --> 00:00:31,497
Not with each other,
you douchebag.
12
00:00:31,533 --> 00:00:34,233
Listen, if you were the last
living thing on this planet...
13
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,267
You still wouldn't want
to make sex with me.
14
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,200
I know, I know,
I've heard it all before.
15
00:00:38,233 --> 00:00:39,903
No, I wasn't going
to say that.
16
00:00:39,933 --> 00:00:42,273
I was going to say if you were
the last living thing, then maybe I would.
17
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:46,900
Yeah? I'm not homophobic,
Eddie. I just need a very good reason.
18
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:49,503
But you're not the last
living thing, are you?
19
00:00:49,533 --> 00:00:51,833
There are thousands
of women out there.
20
00:00:51,867 --> 00:00:55,627
All we need to do
is find ourselves two sexy chicklets,
21
00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:59,227
bring them back here
and have pointless sex with them.
22
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:02,367
That way, I think I might
feel better about myself.
23
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,470
I think
I'll just stay in, thanks.
24
00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:06,130
Oh, come on, Eddie baby.
25
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,397
You and me in the saddle
together, yeah?
26
00:01:08,433 --> 00:01:10,133
Oh, it's not really
my thing.
27
00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:14,227
What? Pulling some horny
babies and bringing them here for sexy intercourse
28
00:01:14,267 --> 00:01:15,727
isn't your thing?
29
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,797
What are you, gay?
30
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:21,133
Hang on, are you gay?
We've never talked about this.
31
00:01:21,167 --> 00:01:22,797
I'm not homosexual, Don, no.
32
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:27,973
Well, then, that's settled.
You and I out on the pull, eh?
33
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,767
This is going to be
a great laugh.
34
00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:52,727
DON: Ah, yes.
35
00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:55,367
-This is more like it.
On the pull. -(MUSIC PLAYING)
36
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,530
It's been ages since I've
been out picking up chicklets.
37
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,527
Hey. You all right?
38
00:02:03,967 --> 00:02:05,127
Hey!
39
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:09,270
(SIGHS)
40
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:11,400
This was a good idea
of mine.
41
00:02:11,433 --> 00:02:15,873
This is wonderful. Look.
All these fit honeys. Great!
42
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:18,230
Now, I want us to
play this cool, okay?
43
00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:21,697
I don't want us looking like
a pair of pricks. Okay?
44
00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:27,627
Hey, 12 o'clock.
45
00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:32,073
Oh, yeah,
getting some looks. Right.
46
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,367
Could be Eye of the Tiger.
47
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,200
(GROWLS)
The thrill of the fight.
48
00:02:36,933 --> 00:02:38,533
I'm gonna go in, all right?
49
00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:42,827
I will bring us back
a pair of females and a packet of sheaths.
50
00:02:42,867 --> 00:02:46,067
-What flavour do you want?
-Uh... Prawn cocktail.
51
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,467
Okay. See you in a bit. Bye.
52
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,370
Uh, two milks, please.
53
00:02:54,833 --> 00:02:56,773
You don't mind
if I join you, do you?
54
00:03:00,733 --> 00:03:04,073
I'm not the sort of guy
that comes out with cheesy one-liners.
55
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:07,067
So, who fancies a screw?
56
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:08,967
Do you want to come back
to my place?
57
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:13,667
-Yeah. Which one of us
are you talking to? -The one that says yes?
58
00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:17,470
I'm not just talking
to you because you're the sluttiest-looking girls here.
59
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,770
Do you fancy going
halves on a bastard?
60
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,270
Do you have any STDs?
61
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:25,100
-Ugh, no!
-Good. Do you mind getting one?
62
00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:33,067
Yeah, well,
maybe it's not me who's the cock.
63
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:37,800
Hey.
64
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,930
-What's that you're drinking?
-Milk. Would you like some?
65
00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:46,697
Milk? What, like,
a White Russian?
66
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:49,767
No, like, milk.
67
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,800
You know,
from cows' udders.
68
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:53,603
(LAUGHS)
69
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:55,133
(LAUGHING)
70
00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:00,067
Who are you here with?
71
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:03,067
Oh, um, my friend, Don.
I look after him.
72
00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:04,527
(LAUGHS)
73
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:08,167
You look after him?
He looks old enough to look after himself.
74
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:14,667
Hey! How's it going?
75
00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:17,530
Either of you two fancy
going halves on a bastard?
76
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:24,567
-Is he a retard?
-Um, kind of.
77
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:27,773
I'm Fiona, by the way.
78
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,370
Oh, Eddie.
79
00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:34,627
I tell you what, the
girls in here are weird.
80
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:37,427
No one seems up
for anything.
81
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:41,297
Hey. I just wish women
were more like men, you know.
82
00:04:41,333 --> 00:04:43,803
Oh, as in,
I wish they didn't have standards.
83
00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:46,733
I don't mean I wish
women had beards and balls.
84
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:48,770
Just be patient, yeah.
85
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,400
So, what's your name?
86
00:04:51,433 --> 00:04:54,273
Oh, um, Don, this is Fiona.
Fiona, Don.
87
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:57,470
-What, you two know
each other? -Yeah, we just met.
88
00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:00,270
Oh, look, don't take
the piss out of him. He's a good guy, really.
89
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,870
I'm not taking
the piss out of him. What do you mean?
90
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:06,400
I mean, he may not be
the coolest cat in here,
91
00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:08,303
but that's no reason
to taunt him.
92
00:05:08,333 --> 00:05:12,173
Uh, Don.
She wasn't taunting me, we were just chatting.
93
00:05:12,633 --> 00:05:14,533
Weren't we?
94
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:16,697
-Really?
-Yeah, yeah. It was nice.
95
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:20,903
Yeah. We were also
enjoying watching you at work.
96
00:05:20,933 --> 00:05:25,073
Yeah, well, some people just
don't see a good thing when it's right in front of them.
97
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:26,767
I can.
98
00:05:27,433 --> 00:05:29,773
-Yeah?
-Yes.
99
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:36,327
Yeah, well, Edward baby
and me, we're a bit autistic when it comes to pulling.
100
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:38,197
It has to be
even numbers.
101
00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:41,303
So unless you've got
a cute friend to create a foursome, I'm afraid...
102
00:05:41,333 --> 00:05:43,303
-I do, as it happens.
-Yeah?
103
00:05:43,333 --> 00:05:45,403
Mmm. I think
she might like you.
104
00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:46,703
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
105
00:05:46,733 --> 00:05:50,703
She's got absolutely
shocking taste in men. Hang on.
106
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,300
Hey, it looks like
we might be onto a winner here.
107
00:05:55,333 --> 00:05:57,203
-She's quite nice, isn't she?
-Who? Her?
108
00:05:57,233 --> 00:05:59,133
No. A bit too clever-clever
for my liking.
109
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:01,127
-I think she's nice.
-Eh...
110
00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:05,097
Listen, if my one
is in any way, shape or form attractive,
111
00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:08,803
let's take them back
to the ranch, pronto.
112
00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:12,503
Scrap that.
Even if she's not attractive, let's go back to the ranch.
113
00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:16,767
Hey, meet my friend, Jemima.
114
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,300
-Hello.
-Hi.
115
00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:21,067
First impressions?
116
00:06:22,333 --> 00:06:23,873
Cute.
117
00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:27,100
Bingo! Now, listen, whatever
I say or do in the next couple of hours,
118
00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:31,233
please just keep remembering
your first impressions of me, yeah?
119
00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:33,067
(BRAYS WITH LAUGHTER)
120
00:06:36,633 --> 00:06:39,503
Um, we were thinking of
heading back to the ranch,
121
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,933
which I think
means Don's house.
122
00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:43,597
-Do you want to come along?
-Yeah.
123
00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:45,873
Um, could I have four
tequila shots, please?
124
00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:48,570
Um, no offence,
I just don't want to remember this tomorrow.
125
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,230
No. No offence taken.
126
00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:52,167
Only I drink Samuel Buca.
127
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,630
Oh, no, sorry,
these are for me.
128
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,427
Right, put on
some protection.
129
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:01,067
What, like elbow pads?
130
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:05,267
-(BRAYS WITH LAUGHTER)
-Ugh, shut up. It's not that funny.
131
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,370
-Do you have condoms?
-Oh, what?
132
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,200
I don't have to wear
a love-cape, do I?
133
00:07:09,233 --> 00:07:13,133
-Yes. Now, talk less
and do more. -Mmm.
134
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,100
Oh, don't worry,
it's not contagious.
135
00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:31,697
Actually, you don't mind
if I quickly call my mum, do you?
136
00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:35,573
Right, be warned,
last time I had sex,
137
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,470
I did a bit of bum
rubbish mid-orgasm.
138
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:42,330
Do you mind if I call you
by my ex-girlfriend's name while we're doing it?
139
00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:45,167
Do you mind
if I call you Alan while we're doing it?
140
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,600
You don't mind if I reuse
an old one, do you?
141
00:07:48,633 --> 00:07:52,873
It's just, I'm, uh,
environmentally conscious.
142
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,070
Ugh.
143
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,503
Yeah, I'm a eunuch.
144
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:02,330
Cool, eh?
Do you want to feel? Smooth.
145
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,097
So, can I
get you anything?
146
00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:06,433
A drinklet? Tea? Coffee?
147
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:10,067
(STAMMERS)
A snacklet? A corned beef panini?
148
00:08:13,433 --> 00:08:16,403
Uh, I should probably
pop upstairs and see if they need something.
149
00:08:16,433 --> 00:08:17,673
Shh.
150
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:24,927
(STAMMERING)
It's just that they might need post-coital...
151
00:08:24,967 --> 00:08:26,797
...orange segments.
152
00:08:26,833 --> 00:08:28,803
-KARL: I don't see why
you can't live with me. -Or something.
153
00:08:28,833 --> 00:08:30,133
(DOOR CLOSES)
154
00:08:30,167 --> 00:08:31,297
ABBY: Well, if it bothers you
that much, I don't know
155
00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:33,303
why you come back
in the first place!
156
00:08:33,333 --> 00:08:36,073
Oh, that's just
Don's flatmate and Cockface.
157
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,397
How many shirts
are you wearing?
158
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:42,533
Four.
159
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,170
-Oh, yeah.
-(MOANS)
160
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:51,333
-Tweak my nipples.
-Yeah.
161
00:08:51,367 --> 00:08:52,467
-Tweak my nipples.
-Like that?
162
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,600
-Ah, yeah... I like that.
-Yeah.
163
00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:56,273
(BOTH GRUNTING)
164
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,400
(KARL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
165
00:09:00,433 --> 00:09:03,103
-Shh. Shut up!
-Don't tell me to shut up!
166
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:04,433
Shh. Shut up.
167
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:06,197
What's that?
168
00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:08,970
It's Abby and the freak.
169
00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:11,867
Don, this isn't making
me feel very sexy.
170
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:14,070
Shut up!
They're really arguing.
171
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,867
This could be a massive
leap forward.
172
00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:17,530
Oh, God. Sod this, I'm off.
173
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:18,597
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
174
00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:21,433
Ah, yes, lick, lick.
175
00:09:21,467 --> 00:09:22,527
Ah, yes!
176
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:24,697
(MOANING)
177
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,073
Ow, ow!
178
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:30,870
Yes! Ooh!
179
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:34,070
Ow, ow, ow. My face!
180
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:35,627
Quiet! I can't hear them.
181
00:09:35,667 --> 00:09:36,697
(BOTH GRUNTING)
182
00:09:36,733 --> 00:09:38,533
Ow, you're freaking me
out now.
183
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:41,397
(THUD)
184
00:09:41,433 --> 00:09:43,773
-Ow!
-Do you get off on listening to people arguing
185
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,430
whilst you're having sex?
186
00:09:45,467 --> 00:09:48,367
Or are you such
a massive busy-body you can't resist listening?
187
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,630
Which answer
would make me seem less weird?
188
00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:55,127
I just don't see
why you can't move in with me, that's all.
189
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:56,927
We have been through
all of this.
190
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:59,227
Do you really enjoy
living here that much?
191
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:01,427
Yes, actually, it's fun.
192
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:04,127
Well, why don't you go out
with Don, then?
193
00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:06,727
I can't
handle your jealousy any more, Karl.
194
00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:09,267
So have I definitely blown it?
195
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,430
Well, give me
one good reason why I should stay.
196
00:10:11,467 --> 00:10:12,727
I can't.
197
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:15,627
I just wanted to know
I'd definitely blown it before I do this.
198
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:16,767
What?
199
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:19,200
You're a weirdo.
200
00:10:19,233 --> 00:10:21,633
Ah, this is useless.
201
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:26,170
Fiona warned me.
She told me you were trouble.
202
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:29,997
(ABBY AND KARL ARGUING)
203
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,797
-Can you call me a taxi?
-Shh. Huh?
204
00:10:35,833 --> 00:10:37,233
Eddie will do that.
205
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:41,103
(CHUCKLES)
206
00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:43,773
Oh, um, you lost your earring
'round here, you say?
207
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,600
KARL:
What are you doing, Don?
208
00:10:45,633 --> 00:10:49,803
Oh, well, this platonic friend
of mine dropped her earring somewhere.
209
00:10:49,833 --> 00:10:51,003
Hi, Abby.
210
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,597
You are such a dickhead.
211
00:10:53,633 --> 00:10:54,633
(DON GRUNTS)
212
00:10:55,433 --> 00:10:56,533
(SCREAMING)
213
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:58,630
Ow!
214
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:00,830
It's all right, I'm fine.
215
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:02,727
Oh, Abby!
216
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:09,330
Oh, how are you getting on
with your one? Good?
217
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,370
-Are you all right, Don?
-Well, I've just fallen down a flight of stairs.
218
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,330
-What do you reckon?
-Come on, Fi, we're off.
219
00:11:16,367 --> 00:11:18,467
-FIONA: Really? But I...
-Yeah. Really.
220
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,070
Do you want me
to give you a lift?
221
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,667
-Do you mind?
-Of course not.
222
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:23,570
Prick!
223
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,700
Nice to meet you too.
224
00:11:24,733 --> 00:11:26,103
Out of the way, please.
225
00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:29,367
-Karl!
-(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
226
00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:38,497
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
227
00:11:38,533 --> 00:11:39,673
Are you all right?
228
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:43,067
I heard you arguing.
229
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:45,327
I was trying not to listen,
230
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:47,797
but you were pretty loud.
231
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,073
ABBY: Don,
232
00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:51,397
Karl and I have split up.
233
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:05,073
Really?
234
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,797
Are you sure
it's definitely over?
235
00:12:15,833 --> 00:12:18,233
Yeah. We're just too different
236
00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:20,067
and I keep avoiding
the issues.
237
00:12:21,267 --> 00:12:22,267
Here.
238
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,127
(SNIFFLES)
239
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,927
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Don.
240
00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:28,327
That's all right.
241
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:35,067
-I think I'm going
to go to bed. -Hey, listen.
242
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:37,497
If I can help you
with anything,
243
00:12:37,533 --> 00:12:40,073
get you anything,
you know, a cup of tea,
244
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:42,370
if you just want to chat,
245
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,100
or someone to spoon
in bed with...
246
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,367
Thanks, Don, you're a doll.
247
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,730
DON: I can't believe it.
It's just like buses.
248
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:57,797
You wait for ages
and then as soon as
249
00:12:57,833 --> 00:12:59,203
you hop on one
for a ride,
250
00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:02,333
another comes along.
Well, something like that.
251
00:13:05,967 --> 00:13:07,927
-Abby?
-ABBY: Yeah?
252
00:13:07,967 --> 00:13:09,597
I made you a coffee.
253
00:13:09,633 --> 00:13:11,133
ABBY: Aw, thank you.
254
00:13:11,867 --> 00:13:13,667
Shall I leave it
on the landing?
255
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:16,700
-No, you can
bring it in, please. -Really?
256
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:18,800
Won't I see you naked?
257
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:20,670
ABBY: No.
258
00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:24,103
Coming in.
259
00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:29,573
Just put it
over there, please.
260
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,070
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
261
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:33,673
I'm really glad
you're here, Don.
262
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,730
-Really?
-Yeah.
263
00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:42,203
What are you, um,
264
00:13:42,233 --> 00:13:46,103
-doing tonight?
-Nothing much. What are you up to?
265
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,070
Nothing.
266
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:52,327
I could cook us
a meal if you like?
267
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:53,567
Something nice.
268
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:54,830
-Don?
-Hmm?
269
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,097
You can't cook.
270
00:13:56,133 --> 00:13:58,073
Oi! I can cook.
271
00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:00,667
You have not cooked once
since I moved in here.
272
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:03,200
-Yes, I have.
-When?
273
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:05,933
Just then. I cooked you
that coffee.
274
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:07,167
(LAUGHS)
275
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,697
-Well, if you want to.
-Yeah.
276
00:14:11,533 --> 00:14:12,733
That'd be lovely.
277
00:14:14,233 --> 00:14:16,633
-See you tonight, then.
-See you tonight.
278
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,333
I mean, I might bump into you
279
00:14:20,367 --> 00:14:22,797
around the house before,
but, you know...
280
00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:24,803
Hmm, that's quite likely.
281
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:35,473
DON: I don't believe in God,
but I thanked Him anyway.
282
00:14:41,767 --> 00:14:44,367
-Edward Singh.
-Hey, Don.
283
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,100
Sorry I abandoned you
last night.
284
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:49,873
Hey, don't worry about it,
big guy.
285
00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:51,830
-Did you go back to hers?
-I did.
286
00:14:51,867 --> 00:14:53,427
I just got back,
as a matter of fact.
287
00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:56,467
-And?
-Well, we had a lot of fun.
288
00:14:56,500 --> 00:15:00,930
We shared a bed,
but she kept trying to touch my cock.
289
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:02,127
(LAUGHS)
290
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:04,403
Weird.
291
00:15:06,933 --> 00:15:08,733
Shame your night
ended so badly.
292
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:10,797
Oh, on the contrary,
293
00:15:10,833 --> 00:15:12,373
it couldn't have been better.
294
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,170
Abby dumped Cockface
last night.
295
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,630
-Oh, poor Cockface.
-Screw Cockface.
296
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,967
Don't you get it?
Abby's single now.
297
00:15:22,067 --> 00:15:23,627
Poor Abby,
she must be lonely.
298
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:26,067
-Are you insane in your mind?
-No, why?
299
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:27,527
Am I doing that
weird tick again?
300
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:31,067
Who have I been in love with
for weeks? Nay, months?
301
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:33,067
-Abby?
-Exactly.
302
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:37,727
Oh, I see. So, now's the
chance for you to benefit from Cockface's misery.
303
00:15:37,767 --> 00:15:40,827
All right, there's no need
to put it like that.
304
00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:42,897
She wants me, Eddie,
I can feel it.
305
00:15:42,933 --> 00:15:46,273
That's what
this is all about. It's destiny.
306
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,100
I'm going to cook her
a meal tonight.
307
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:49,503
You're cooking her a meal?
308
00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:52,873
No, you're cooking her a meal.
I'm taking the credit. Deal?
309
00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:55,330
Well, this is special.
Maybe you should cook for her.
310
00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:57,727
-Do you think?
-No, it'd be a disaster.
311
00:15:57,767 --> 00:16:02,097
-Oh, this is exciting.
-Yeah. You can cook whatever you want.
312
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:03,373
-Whatever?
-Whatever.
313
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,370
Ooh, I might do a salmon...
314
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,170
-Not salmon.
-Um... Ah, I might magic up a risotto...
315
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,230
-Not risotto.
-Beef bourguignon...
316
00:16:11,267 --> 00:16:16,467
Hate beef bourguignon.
Just cook something that says "sex".
317
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,570
Uh, bangers and mash?
318
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,070
Yeah, yeah, that kind of
does say sex, doesn't it? Brilliant.
319
00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,697
Clever balls.
320
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,573
Bangers and mash it is.
Oh, yeah.
321
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,400
(BEAT BOXING)
322
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:31,433
Ooh.
323
00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:37,427
Bangers and mash.
Bangers and mash. Ooh, ah, ah.
324
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,333
Wow, I've never seen you
this happy before.
325
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,127
I've never been this happy.
326
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:47,097
Finally, life isn't
shitting on me.
327
00:16:47,133 --> 00:16:49,573
-Feels good, doesn't it?
-Sure does.
328
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,730
Don't.
329
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:55,367
I think I'm going to have to
pull out all the stops tonight, Eddie.
330
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,700
I might serenade her
with a song. What do you reckon?
331
00:16:57,733 --> 00:17:02,733
-Well, it depends. What song?
-Well, one of my own, of course.
332
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:05,167
Maybe you should play me
the song first
333
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,300
and then we can see
whether it's a good idea.
334
00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:10,327
Okay.
335
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:14,467
Right, so I'm thinking
of playing it between main course and pudding.
336
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:17,670
Okay.
Oh, ski yoghurts for pudding.
337
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,070
Good. Ready?
338
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:20,867
-Yep?
-Yep.
339
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:22,970
Two, three, four.
340
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:27,497
* Abigail, I've got
a really cool idea
341
00:17:27,533 --> 00:17:32,233
* Baby girl, you and I
should have sex after dinner
342
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:36,397
* You can finish your yoghurt
I don't mind waiting
343
00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:38,333
* But once you've finished
your yoghurt
344
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:41,167
* Let's go upstairs,
do some nailing
345
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,800
* Sex, uh, yeah
346
00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:45,573
* Something I've longed
to do with you
347
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,270
* Sex, uh, yeah
348
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,770
* Imagine me entering you
349
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:54,700
* Abigail, Abigail, Abigail,
Abigail, Abigail
350
00:17:54,733 --> 00:17:56,103
-* Abigail
-Don?
351
00:17:56,133 --> 00:17:57,373
* Abigail, Abigail
352
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,270
Don? Don? Don?
353
00:18:00,533 --> 00:18:01,573
What?
354
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,570
-It's not...
-Melodic enough?
355
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,430
-No, it's not...
-The right tempo?
356
00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:08,867
-It's not...
-Romantic enough?
357
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:11,870
I think it's
inappropriate, Don.
358
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:14,600
-Really?
-I mean, I'm not hugely acquainted with matters
359
00:18:14,633 --> 00:18:18,203
of sexual relations,
but I do know there are certain things you're not
360
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:20,433
supposed to do when
you invite someone over for dinner.
361
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:21,467
Like what?
362
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:26,873
So, what's for dinner?
363
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:28,830
Oh, there's some bangers
in the fridge.
364
00:18:28,867 --> 00:18:30,067
(LAUGHS)
365
00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:34,073
I'm serious. Get cooking.
366
00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:36,427
Let's get stuck in.
367
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:39,800
Mmm...
368
00:18:42,867 --> 00:18:46,327
Oh, I just couldn't think
of anything to wear, so...
369
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:48,397
You not hungry?
370
00:18:50,633 --> 00:18:52,273
I'm just going to do a shit.
371
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,200
(MOANS)
372
00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:57,573
Oh, yeah, you like?
373
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,070
Oh, yeah, I bet you do.
Oh, yeah, how about that?
374
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:03,097
(MOANS)
375
00:19:07,067 --> 00:19:09,897
Ooh! That was like
giving birth to an otter.
376
00:19:09,933 --> 00:19:13,133
What happens if you're
eating a massive rump steak, huh?
377
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:17,067
-I mean, surely you need to
take a half-time dump? -Let's get you ready.
378
00:19:23,333 --> 00:19:27,373
* You can finish your yoghurt,
I don't mind waiting
379
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,630
* But once
you've finished... *
380
00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:30,797
-Potatoes?
-Mashed.
381
00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:32,603
-Bangers?
-Banged.
382
00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:36,973
Now all you have to do is to
dish them out onto these, which are plates.
383
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,667
Plates. Right.
384
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:40,970
Ooh.
385
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:42,067
Oh, what do you think?
386
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:43,270
-Lovely.
-Yeah?
387
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,300
It was my granddad's
lucky suit.
388
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:48,073
Lucky? I thought
he died in it.
389
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:50,497
Yeah, at the end
of a very lucky life.
390
00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:54,103
-He was 26.
He died of a cold. -Get out.
391
00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:56,473
Come back. Wish me luck.
392
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,770
I'm very proud of you.
393
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,727
I'm finding this awkward.
394
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:08,233
Now remember,
don't think with your penis.
395
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:12,767
I know, Eddie.
Think with my balls.
396
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,070
-Good luck.
-Yeah.
397
00:20:17,033 --> 00:20:18,673
Right.
398
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:19,700
Hmm.
399
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,230
Wine with your meal?
400
00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:24,297
(IMITATES WINE POURING)
401
00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:27,473
Sex with your meal?
402
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:28,670
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
403
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:34,230
-Good evening, madam.
-Hello.
404
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,397
-You're late.
-What?
405
00:20:36,433 --> 00:20:39,533
Oh, nothing.
Don't worry... So...
406
00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:41,367
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
-Oh, sorry.
407
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:43,667
Hello?
408
00:20:44,933 --> 00:20:47,703
Sure. Oh, me too.
409
00:20:48,867 --> 00:20:51,497
Okay. Yeah. Bye.
410
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,473
That was Karl.
411
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:57,700
Hmm, what did he want?
412
00:20:57,733 --> 00:21:00,703
He's coming 'round.
413
00:21:00,733 --> 00:21:04,703
-But I'm just...
-We need to talk and see if we can resolve a few things.
414
00:21:04,733 --> 00:21:07,073
Make it work, you know?
415
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:10,970
Right. Yeah.
Um, when's he getting here?
416
00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:13,527
-Any minute.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
417
00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:17,067
-That was quick!
-He's been on the doorstep for hours.
418
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,967
Ugh, creepy.
419
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:21,497
He was too nervous
to ring the doorbell.
420
00:21:34,067 --> 00:21:35,197
Don.
421
00:21:36,467 --> 00:21:37,497
Karl.
422
00:21:38,367 --> 00:21:40,497
You're expecting a guest?
423
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:44,073
Oh, bollocks! I'm so sorry,
I completely forgot.
424
00:21:44,067 --> 00:21:47,067
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine. Don't worry.
425
00:21:47,067 --> 00:21:48,427
We were going to eat
together tonight.
426
00:21:50,067 --> 00:21:51,497
-Really?
-Yeah.
427
00:21:51,533 --> 00:21:54,873
But, um, you know,
there were other people coming as well.
428
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:58,870
I didn't tell you about that.
You know, it was going to be a group thing.
429
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:03,500
A non-sexual, group event.
Yeah.
430
00:22:03,533 --> 00:22:09,303
So, uh, you know,
you two go upstairs and sort your shit out.
431
00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:13,127
Shall we?
432
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:15,227
Listen, we'll just stay
upstairs out of your way,
433
00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:19,297
-so make sure
you have fun. -Just go upstairs.
434
00:22:19,333 --> 00:22:21,803
-Well, have fun.
-Okay, okay, go, go, go.
435
00:22:21,833 --> 00:22:23,533
-I'm really sorry again.
-It's fine.
436
00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:40,327
-All right?
-Yeah. You?
437
00:22:41,267 --> 00:22:42,397
No.
438
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,430
-Not really.
-Me neither.
439
00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:49,267
What are we like?
440
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,530
(DOORBELL RINGS)
441
00:22:51,567 --> 00:22:54,927
DON: Ah, Crispin, come in!
Oh, it's good to see you.
442
00:22:54,967 --> 00:22:58,667
Christ, the last thing
you need when you're feeling bad is that maniac.
443
00:22:58,700 --> 00:23:01,130
-There you go again, Karl!
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
444
00:23:01,167 --> 00:23:04,627
Okay! I'm coming, I'm coming.
Be patient.
445
00:23:05,767 --> 00:23:07,627
Ah, Jeremy.
446
00:23:07,667 --> 00:23:08,727
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Ah, hello, Don!
447
00:23:08,767 --> 00:23:10,327
(NORMAL VOICE) Susan, come in.
448
00:23:10,367 --> 00:23:11,497
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Hello, Don.
449
00:23:11,533 --> 00:23:13,573
(NORMAL VOICE)
Ah, how are you both?
450
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,530
(DEEP VOICE)
Oh, I'm fine, Don. How are you?
451
00:23:15,567 --> 00:23:19,797
I'm all right. Wow, Jeremy,
you've really put on weight, haven't you? Yes
452
00:23:19,833 --> 00:23:20,933
(DEEP VOICE)
What do you mean?
453
00:23:20,967 --> 00:23:26,397
Look, I really like
living here. It's fun.
454
00:23:26,433 --> 00:23:28,803
I don't know, it's quirky.
455
00:23:28,833 --> 00:23:30,473
You've guzzled down
that mash.
456
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:33,470
(DEEP VOICE)
Yes, well, I love mash. You know that, don't you, Don?
457
00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:36,300
I do know that about you,
you fat git.
458
00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:38,273
You can't blame me, though.
Can you?
459
00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:41,370
Can you honestly say you don't
think he wants to climb into your underwear?
460
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:42,870
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
No, thank you, Don.
461
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,670
You know red wine
hurts my ning-ning when I wee.
462
00:23:45,700 --> 00:23:48,770
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, right, yes,
I forgot about that.
463
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,730
You know, I thought you'd been
to the doctors about that.
464
00:23:52,767 --> 00:23:56,867
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Yes, I have, but that was about my puppy biscuits.
465
00:23:56,900 --> 00:23:58,500
Your what?
466
00:23:58,533 --> 00:24:00,933
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Puppy biscuits. You know, my nipples.
467
00:24:00,967 --> 00:24:02,267
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
468
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:05,600
I think it might be for
the best if we lived together.
469
00:24:05,633 --> 00:24:07,503
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Have you been to the theatre recently?
470
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:11,633
(NORMAL VOICE)
Um, no, I don't think I've ever been, actually.
471
00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:13,367
What's it like?
472
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,400
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
It's really good. There's a new play at the moment.
473
00:24:15,433 --> 00:24:21,673
Um, it's a musical,
based on the, um, Stallone Rambo sagas.
474
00:24:24,633 --> 00:24:28,103
-You know, I really think
this is for the best. -So do I.
475
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:29,733
Not touching your food?
476
00:24:29,767 --> 00:24:32,967
(DEEP VOICE)
Uh, yeah, you've just put me off, calling me fat.
477
00:24:33,067 --> 00:24:35,067
(NORMAL VOICE)
Sorry about that.
478
00:24:35,067 --> 00:24:38,667
(DEEP VOICE)
Actually, we're going to go. Come on, Susan.
479
00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:40,330
(NORMAL VOICE)
Well, where are you going?
480
00:24:40,367 --> 00:24:42,967
(DEEP VOICE) We've got
a keys-in-the-ashtray party to go to.
481
00:24:43,067 --> 00:24:44,527
(NORMAL VOICE)
Oh, wow, that sounds fun!
482
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:49,497
How about you and me
get ourselves a drink?
483
00:24:51,067 --> 00:24:53,067
Oh, right then, see you,
everyone.
484
00:24:53,067 --> 00:24:54,667
Thanks for coming 'round.
485
00:24:54,700 --> 00:24:59,070
And hey, stop eating all
those crisps, Crisp-sin.
486
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:00,270
(CHUCKLES)
487
00:25:01,267 --> 00:25:02,267
(SIGHS)
488
00:25:08,067 --> 00:25:09,967
They didn't stay long.
489
00:25:10,067 --> 00:25:13,927
Oh, you know, leave them
wanting more, I say.
490
00:25:13,967 --> 00:25:15,767
Oh, how do you mean?
491
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:18,370
Oh, well, you know, um,
492
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:21,570
no coffee, or after-mints,
that kind of thing.
493
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:22,770
(LAUGHS)
494
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,870
So, um, how are you both?
495
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:28,430
Have you sorted out
your problems?
496
00:25:28,467 --> 00:25:32,267
You're touching each other,
so I'm assuming you have.
497
00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:37,300
Yeah, we did manage
to resolve a few issues.
498
00:25:40,533 --> 00:25:42,103
Great. Great.
499
00:25:42,133 --> 00:25:43,473
-ABBY: Don?
-Hmm.
500
00:25:44,933 --> 00:25:46,803
Karl and I are
moving in together.
501
00:25:46,833 --> 00:25:50,173
-What? Why? When?
-KARL: As soon as possible.
502
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,470
So it looks like
you'll be on your own. Sorry, old boy.
503
00:25:57,433 --> 00:26:00,233
So what, are you, um,
moving into his place?
504
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:02,327
God, no!
His place is hideous.
505
00:26:02,367 --> 00:26:04,667
It's like some '80s
bachelor pad.
506
00:26:04,700 --> 00:26:08,070
-You never said.
-Why do you think we never go to your house?
507
00:26:08,067 --> 00:26:11,597
So what, you're gonna
move in somewhere new?
508
00:26:11,633 --> 00:26:15,573
-I guess so.
-Uh, yes. We will.
509
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:19,270
Which is a shame,
because I really love it here.
510
00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:20,700
I'm going to miss
the old place.
511
00:26:20,733 --> 00:26:24,073
Hang on.
Why don't you both move in here?
512
00:26:24,067 --> 00:26:25,967
-What?
-Yeah, why not?
513
00:26:26,067 --> 00:26:29,067
I mean, you could have
the top floor, like your own apartment, yeah?
514
00:26:29,100 --> 00:26:31,800
-You cannot be serious!
-I can and I am.
515
00:26:31,833 --> 00:26:34,533
Yeah. I won't even
charge you extra. How about that?
516
00:26:34,567 --> 00:26:38,167
-That is tempting.
-Great.
517
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,370
Don, do you have any idea
what you're saying?
518
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,400
Not a clue.
519
00:26:42,433 --> 00:26:45,733
But I'd take me up
on my offer before I change my mind.
520
00:26:46,667 --> 00:26:49,167
I really don't want to
move out of here.
521
00:26:49,867 --> 00:26:51,497
Please.
522
00:26:51,533 --> 00:26:53,603
Oh, please, Karl.
523
00:26:53,633 --> 00:26:55,233
How can you resist?
524
00:26:55,267 --> 00:26:56,467
Please.
525
00:26:57,967 --> 00:26:59,327
Okay.
526
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:01,197
Oh...
527
00:27:01,233 --> 00:27:03,333
DON: Yes, I know
what you're thinking.
528
00:27:03,367 --> 00:27:07,067
Such a selfless act,
giving Abby and Karl a helping hand
529
00:27:07,067 --> 00:27:11,067
as they embark
on to the next stage of their relationship.
530
00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:14,200
Even though
I'm hopelessly in love with her.
531
00:27:14,233 --> 00:27:16,403
I don't get it, Don.
Why did you do it?
532
00:27:16,433 --> 00:27:19,273
Look, I'd rather he moved
in than her move out.
533
00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:22,070
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(SOFTLY) Anything but her move out.
534
00:27:22,067 --> 00:27:24,767
If she went,
I might never see her again.
535
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:26,430
So, we're all done.
536
00:27:26,467 --> 00:27:28,067
Oh. Great.
537
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:32,500
This is going to be fun.
538
00:27:32,533 --> 00:27:34,073
Yeah, fun.
539
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:36,470
-Hmm, perfect.
-Cheers.
540
00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:37,430
Cheers.
541
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:42,030
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