All language subtitles for How Not To Live Your Life s01e05 Like Father Like Don.eng

DON: So, I was just
sitting around

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-enjoying having the house to myself,

when the doorbell rang.

I should've known it
was gonna be bad news.

Friends don't just turn up,
not in this day and age.

You call ahead first,
or send a text.

Oh, I'm not interested
in buying a little girl today. Thank you.

-Are you Mr Danbury?
-Yeah.

Oh, I mean, it depends.

Ah, shit, I should've
just said "Depends" first.

I've been sent because
you haven't paid your council tax.

Oh. Well, thanks
for reminding me.

I don't think you understand.

I'm a bailiff.

(SOBS) Please don't hurt me.

Please!

And, sleep. When you awake,
you'll have absolutely no idea what you're doing here.

Oh, and later in
the week, you'll tell your family you're gay.

And wake.

(EXHALES)
What am I doing here?

That should
more than cover it.

This is just a piece
of paper with the Queen's head drawn on.

No, no.
That's 70 British pounds.

Surely, we can work
something out?

You like?

-(DOOR CLOSING)
-Right, then, let's see what you got.

DON: I always thought
bailiffs were a myth.

So, who are you then?

That's my dad.
I'm on school holidays,

so I thought I'd come
along, see what he gets up to at work.

What, like,
bring your daughter to work day? (CHUCKLES)

Right then.

This seems to be the
only thing worth taking.

What? No, no, no.
Not the telly.

Please, not the telly.
The telly's my only real friend.

Please! Please, no. No!

Treacle, grab that and all.

Not the telly, please.

Please, no! (SOBS)
Please, no, not the telly.

MAN: In the news today,
two men and a prostitute

were found dead
in a post box.

Mmm. Click.

Good day, mate. Did you
hear about Sheila?

-She found out
she's a Siamese twin... -Click.

Hello, and
welcome to Loose Women.

Ugh. Click, click, click.

Sorry, Don, am I not any good?

(SIGHS) It's just
not the real thing.

You don't make
a very convincing Loose Women presenter.

It's the wig, isn't it?
It was your nan's.

You don't have that air of
"Men are scum", like they do.

And also, I quite like jerking
my little Don when they're on.

I've seen far stranger things
at the elderly centre, so I wouldn't be uncomfortable.

-Yeah, but I would!
-(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Oh. Hey, you two.

-DON: Hey.
-What's going on?

Eddie's trying
to replace the television.

Apparently, I'm not as good
as the real thing, though.

And Don's not comfortable
masturbating in front me.

So, what happened to
the actual television?

-Oh, the bailiff took it.
-(KARL LAUGHS)

It's not funny, Menford.

That TV
was like a brother to me.

Why does everything
I love leave me?

Karl, you were thinking
of buying me a new television, weren't you?

-I was?
-Maybe now's the time.

-Uh, Don?
-Yes, Eddie.

Shouldn't you think
about getting a new job?

-No.
-You know, you can actually go to prison

-for not paying your taxes.
-(DON CHUCKLES)

Prison?

-Really?
-I could get you a job at the elderly centre.

Helping me shower
the old folk, brush their teeth and whatnot.

I would rather give
Karl a blowie than wash a geriatric.

-Well, you've got to
do something, Don. -But I don't want to.

I like sitting around all day.

You know, just watching
television and reading.

-(SCOFFS) Reading!
-Yes, Karl, I read.

I'm halfway through this
at the moment. It's great.

Don't tell me how it ends.

Karl, couldn't you get
Don an interview with your dad's company?

-What?
-What?

Yeah. You said that they
were looking for someone to fill your old position.

-Yes, but not, uh...
-What is it you do again?

-I'm not sure about this,
babe. Property developer. -Ugh!

Ugh, estate agent?

No, Don.
Property developer, yeah?

We specialise in homes abroad.
Abby, I really don't think...

-What, you get to go on
free holidays and stuff? -Yes. Sometimes. Abby...

Okay, count me in.
Get me that interview.

-I like the sound of it.
-Excellent.

Aw. Thank you, babe.

-Aw. Who wants a cup of tea?
-Oh, I'll help you.

Don, if I do this for you,
you'll owe me...

Click.

-I'm being serious, this...
-Click.

-This isn't even funny.
-Click.

DON: I hadn't had
a job interview in ages.

I'm not particularly
qualified for anything,

so I always rely
on my charm and wits.

WOMAN: You don't seem to have
a lot of experience.

But that's not
necessarily a problem.

Yeah.

So, tell us
a bit about yourself.

Do you know how
annoying your voice is?

All I can hear is wah,
wah, wah, wah, wah.

Poof!

Ooh, sorry about that.
Bit nervous. (CHUCKLES)

Have I got it? Have I?
No, I haven't.

Tell me. Have I got it?

Tell me if I've got the job.

-WOMAN: Any questions?
-Yes.

Uh, do you bleach
your moustache?

* From '98 to '99
I worked in a bank

* From '99 to '03
I was a rent boy *

DON: Now obviously, they're
the things you shouldn't do.

But once I'd worked
that out, I knew exactly what I should say.

So, tell us
a bit about yourself.

I'm ambitious, I'm hungry.

I will screw over anyone.

Any mother lover gets
in my way, I will pound them into the dirt.

And I'm a team player.

Yeah?

I thought I would have
won them over with phrases like "Team player,"

but they hated me.

Come back here.

-Glen Menford.
-Ow.

I own this company.

-Hence the name.
-Ah.

(CLEARS THROAT)
You must be my son's friend?

Well, we're "friends"
I guess, yeah.

Ha. I like what you did there
with the "friends", inverted commas, joke-thing.

Oh, you did really bad
in there, didn't you?

-Well, I don't know...
-You lied in there, Danbury.

You proved yourself to
be deceitful, dishonest,

cunning and insincere.

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFS) Four qualities
I like in a man.

DON: Hmm?

Let's walk and talk.

It gives the staff
something to watch.

You were one of the
worst interviewees we've ever had in that room.

But I saw something
the others didn't.

Really? What?

Raw talent, Danbury.
Untapped, unearthed, unnurtured.

Thanks! You know, I've always
said to people,

"You just don't see it.
Look a little deeper.

"No, deeper than that.

"No, a bit deeper.

"A little bit deeper?
There, that's it."

But then, they're always
gone by the time I say, "There, that's it."

(EXHALES) And that
hurts, right?

Nah, to be honest,
I'm beyond caring now.

Bingo!

Ah. If only there were more
men in the world like you, Danbury, willing to risk

anyone ever liking them,
just so they can get a bit further ahead in life.

-Well, I...
-It's not gonna be plain sailoring.

You need some training.

You need tutoring.
You need someone who's gonna help you strip away

all the many, many
faults that you have.

But I am prepared
to be that someone.

Hell, I haven't had a protege
since Dwight Pocock died.

What do you say, kid?
You wanna jump on board this vessel?

Yeah, all right.

(DOOR CLOSING)

WOMAN: Afternoon, dickhead.

-Hello?
-Hello?

Nan?

WOMAN: Dickhead?

I'm behind Jesus.

Why is there
a hole in the wall?

Oh, this?
Your grandmother couldn't afford to get it fixed,

so she just covered it up.

Why didn't you get it
covered, then?

Well, it's on her side!

-What?
-There's someone here who wants to talk with you.

Look, if it's your husband,
I'd rather not.

It's just that since
the stroke, it's hard to understand what he's saying.

Mr Danbury.

(SIGHS) Mr Bitchman.
What are you doing in Mrs Treacher's house?

I'm trying to get hold of you.

But you fail to answer my
phone calls day in, day out, or respond to my messages.

Yeah, get the hint. Yeah?

(SCOFFS) You're
like a woman scorned.

No, Mr Danbury,
I'm a solicitor scorned.

So you try and get this hint.

We haven't had any payments
on the house in weeks.

We will have you evicted if
you don't settle your payments

by Friday. Understood?

-That's not really a hint,
is it? More a direct threat. -Indeed.

Well, for your
information, Mr Bitchman,

I have just
landed myself a job.

So I will have your money.

Okay? Good day.

MR BITCHMAN: Dickhead.

DON: Huh. Who'd have
thought I'd actually enjoy saying I've got a job?

So, how did it go?

-Well, the interview
was a complete car crash. -ABBY: Aw.

-Better luck
next time, eh, Don? -But he gave me the job.

I did try and
warn you... What?

-That's excellent!
-You're looking at Glen Menford's latest prote-gay.

But he hasn't had a "protege"
since Dwight Pocock died.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed

'cause I've got to be up early
for my new job.

(RINGING)

DON: Ugh. Oh, yeah,
that's why I hated working.

Oh, well. Better get stuck in,
make a good impression.

Hi, I'm the new guy.

Right you, go get me
a tall, decaf, skinny frappa-mocha-chocaccino!

Now, you slut!

Yeah, yeah. No, I've just
arrived, actually, yeah.

God, no, they all look like
complete knobs.

Hey, everyone.

Hi, hi. I'm the new guy.

Now, I will come over and say
hello to you all individually

but, right now,
I need to take a shit.

(GRUNTING)

Hi, uh, I'm the new guy.

Is there anywhere
I could put this?

(PHONE RINGING)

(COUGHS)

-There he is.
-Mr Menford.

So, how are you feeling
on your first day?

Yeah, pretty good.

Advice? Yeah, I'll give you
some advice, tiger.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Always listen to your balls.

I already do that.

-I actually do that!
-I knew I recognised something in you. Yeah.

Ah. It's weird, you know, all
my life women have said to me, "You think with your dick."

But I don't.
I think with my balls.

I mean,
(SOFTLY) I swear by them.

Great. Listen, I'd love
to sit here all day and talk about our balls.

But, hey, eh, we've both got
work to get on with.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, uh, well, uh, Suzy just
asked me to call the investors

of the Tenerife project.

(SIGHS) Suck my prick, she's
thrown you in the deep end.

You see,
the Tenerife project is...

It's like a hooker
I regularly visit.

Lots of awkward chit-chat
which always ends up with me getting screwed in the arse.

-Dad...
-Shh!

-That's what they think
they're investing in. -Nice.

This is what the project
currently looks like.

Ooh.

Describe it.

It's disgusting.

No, no. Don't use this.

Use the balls.

Okay.

Well...

-It's paradise.
-(INHALES SHARPLY)

It's a beautiful dream home
for holiday makers and retired couples, and families alike.

The locals,
they're very friendly.

And there's fish...

In the sea.

Excellent. That's excellent,
Danbury. Yeah.

Except for the fish bit.
But, yeah, you're gonna be just fine.

Right, get cracking.

Ow.

GLEN: Shh.

DON: Turns out lying and being
deceitful was something I'm pretty good at.

So you'll transfer
the money straight away?

Brilliant, you will not
regret this. Okay. Goodbye.

Whoo!

So in conclusion, that's
why we should all think about water sports.

So I said, "How do you
like them balls?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(CHUCKLING)

All I'm saying, Dad,
is that I'm surprised you took him on,

is all.

What are you saying,
you silly bitch? You recommended him.

-You should be happy.
I'm pleased you did. -Well, yes, I know but...

Look, Dad, if you really
wanted a new protege so badly,

you (INHALES)
could have looked a little closer to home.

What, Tania the housemaid?

No, she'd be
useless in this field.

I'm much better off
letting her clean the detritus off my sheets.

Go on, get lost.
(CLEARS THROAT)

I've got work to do.

Ah, Don, you man tart.

Ah, busy later?

Fancy doing something
ball-related?

What do your parents do,
Danbury?

-Oh, they don't do anything.
-I thought as much.

You see, their laziness has
been a terrible influence

on you these many,
many years.

No, no, Glen.
I mean, they're dead.

Well, I'm sorry
to hear that, Don.

I'll fist my mouth later.

When did they pop
their clogs?

When I was born.

They died during childbirth.

What, both of them?

Yeah.

There, that's it.

-You know, I never really met
my parents either, Danbury. -Really?

No. I just popped out
of my mother's vagina, screaming like a baby.

No handshake.
No, "Hello.

"I'm Glen, your son.
Let's hope this works out."

Nothing. I'm ashamed.

I think a strong handshake
is the only way to meet another human.

Especially your parents.
Don't you, Danbury?

Yes, Mr Menford.

Hey, enough of this
horse crap shit.

You can call me Glen.

Uh, yes, Glen.

(GLEN CLEARS THROAT)

GLEN: I can't stress it
enough, Danbury.

Check them daily.

I will, yeah.

Thanks, Glen. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) You know, Glen,

-sometimes I just can't
believe Karl's your son. -Me neither.

-He's an embarrassment.
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I sometimes wonder
if he's even mine.

Or whether my ex
betrayed me with the paperboy.

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, or maybe she slept with a panda.

(CHUCKLES)

-You know, 'cause she's...
-Watch it, Danbury!

That is my son
you're talking about!

-Sorry, Glen.
-He may be a ridiculous example of man

but I still love him.

(SIGHS)
I just wish he would step up to the plate sometimes.

Squirt some more
H2O on the coals, will you, son?

DON: And so things were
looking good, on my 40-inch telly bought by Karl.

Don? Don. Don.

Don. Don.

Don. Don. Don.

Don. Don. Don.

Don.

I don't mean to be annoying

but have you been paid yet?

Yes.

-You are going to settle the
house payments, aren't you? -Yes.

Uh, probably next month,
you know. I've spent most of this month's wages.

Don!

-On stuff I need, Eddie.
-What stuff?

One of the rarest cigars
in the world.

A reusable
diamond-studded sheath.

For a better-looking penis.

One Samurai sword.

You know, in case of burglars.

(IMITATES KEY JINGLING)

-What are those for?
-A DeLorean. Yeah. Got it outside.

We can play
Back to the Future.

Bagsy, I'm Biff.

-What's that?
-The world's smallest digital camera.

Yeah, state of the art.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

It's your dad.

Well, if it isn't
the Glenminator!

(LAUGHS)

I'm good, yeah.
I'm just watching television with your son and Abby.

Glen! You can't say that
about your son's chick.

I don't care what you'd like
to do to her, it's wrong.

What?

Saturday? No, nothing.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

All right. Okay,
I'll see you later.

I tell you, your old man
is such a character.

Ah, he's taking me out
on the boat this weekend.

-You're going fishing?
-Yeah.

-I don't believe it.
-Yeah, I know.

What a pain in the batty, eh?
I've got to get up at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday.

Oh, well. Could be fun,
I guess.

I just don't get it.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Tizer.

Remember to eat tonight, Glen.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come.

Hey. You wanted to see me?

Come here.

-Enjoy the boat at the
weekend, did you? -Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)
I can't believe you caught a shark.

And wrestled with it.

Listen, you won't tell anyone
it was actually a dolphin, will you?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

People don't mind
a grown man punching a shark in the face.

But when it comes to dolphins
it's, "Ooh, ooh, save the dolphins.

"Save the dolphins."

(IMITATES DOLPHIN CLICKING)

I know.

Hey, do you fancy
a wrestle?

Oh, right, good one.
(CHUCKLES)

Imagine us two wrestling.

-Morning, Suzy.
-Morning, Karl.

(GLEN AND DON GRUNTING)

Help me.

He never does that with me.

(SIGHS)

Ah, that was awesome.

I need you to do
something for me.

-What?
-We've got a very important presentation coming up.

We have to show the Tenerife
investors where we're at with it all.

It's going to be tricky.
The whole thing's a mess.

Building work isn't finished.

And we've got
environmentalists,

or as I like to call them
"mentalists",

protesting at the site.

"Apparently" we're killing off
a rare breed of local "turtle".

Uh, what are we
looking at, Glen?

Your future.

Now, I was going to give this
presentation to my son, Karl Menford.

But it's a big one,
so frankly, I would rather French kiss him.

-Ew.
-It's yours.

-Really?
-I don't want you pulling a Dwight Pocock.

When you get up there in
front of all those people, promise me you won't freeze.

Promise me you won't
pull a Pocock and die.

Oh, right,
Pocock died on stage.

He's not dead, dead, dead?

God, no! But he's dead
in the balls.

-Ooh.
-Hmm, and that's where it counts the most.

So?

Glen...

-I'm your man.
-(INHALES SHARPLY)

Right.

Hey, one more wrestle
before lunch, eh?

(GROANS) Do we have to?

(GRUNTS)

(DON GROANS)

No, Glen! What are you doing?

No, please, Glen.
No! (SCREAMS)

-(THUD)
-(DON GROANS)

DON: After wrestling with
the father, I then had to tackle the son.

-Huh?
-So, I hear a rumour,

you'll be doing the
Tenerife presentation?

That's not a rumour,
my friend.

That's the truth.

Oh, right.

Right.

-Bit awkward, this...
-I should be doing it, you know.

It was meant to be me.

Bit more awkward.

Still, things couldn't
be better with Abby.

I mean, I've got that,
I suppose.

-Really?
-Yeah.

It's a bit "madcap",
but things between us are probably the best since

when we got together.

DON: I realised I'd hardly
seen Abby.

But I was loving
this new lifestyle.

Were the two
mutually exclusive?

Ooh, that's not a flattering
image, is it, of Karl?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Abigail. Come in, entrez.

-What's going on?
-You like?

Got it installed this morning.

Don, this is so extravagant.

Thank you very much.

I can't find it.

What do you mean,
you can't find it?

-It's there!
-But I can't see it.

You don't need to see it.

You just use your hands.

I've lost my lighter.
It's in there somewhere.

Don, are you happy?

Uh... I've got a jacuzzi
in my bedroom.

I'm insane
with happiness. Why?

Well, Karl's really upset
about his dad asking you to do this presentation thingy.

He should learn to be a bit
more like his old man, then!

Yeah, well, you can't
just pretend to be someone that you're not.

Try telling that
to Dustin Hoffman.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

-Where is Karl?
-He's downstairs.

I think he's a bit depressed.

It's strange.
But all of this has brought us closer together.

-Really?
-Yes. I much prefer Karl

when he's not trying
to prove something.

When he's being
less like his dad.

I know you two don't always
see eye to eye, Don. But he's a good guy, really.

Oh, I don't know,
I guess I'm just a sucker for the underdog.

-Hey.
-(GASPING)

Oh, hi, Abby.
You want to jump in?

Uh, no, thanks, Eddie.
I've not got a costume.

Oh, that's okay.
Neither have we.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I think speeches should be like lovers, short,

penetrative
and eastern European.

But I don't speak Polish.

(CHUCKLES)

So, I'm going to cut
to the chase

and introduce you to the young
buck who is going to tell you everything you need to know

about your beautiful
Tenerife homes.

He's a great kid.
He's like a son to me.

Don Danbury, everyone.

(APPLAUDING)

Thank you, thanks.
Thanks, Glen.

So...

(CLEARS THROAT)

So we, uh...

Things couldn't be
better with Abby.

I've got that, I suppose.

Oh, I don't know,

I guess I'm just a sucker
for the underdog.

Don't forget to
wash under your foreskin.

Oh, no. Please, no.

Oh, Christ.
He's pulled a Pocock.

What is it with me
and young men?

I always push it into them
too soon, and too hard.

-Dad.
-Yes, Don?

(STUTTERS) I mean, Karl.

-I'll do it.
-What?

Hey, Don.

Huh?

Thanks, Don.

So, "Where's my money going?"

I hear you ask.

Well, I can answer
that question for you with one word.

Paradise!

You've worked hard.

You deserve your place
in the sun!

And when you see
our business plans, your hearts will melt.

Thank you.
To begin with...

I can't believe you froze.
That's a disaster.

Yeah, but I didn't
actually freeze, did I? I threw it on purpose.

What? Why?

-KARL: Whoo!
-(DOOR CLOSES)

-You'll see.
-Donald.

-Karl.
-Shame about earlier.

I guess it takes a certain
type to stand up in front of all those people.

Karl! I don't think
now's the time, is it?

That's all right, Abby.

Don't be surprised if Dad
sends you a ball wreath.

Now, there's no need for that.

Oh, sorry, yeah. And I'm sorry
you lost your job.

But, you know, Dad can't
have another Pocock on the team.

-ABBY: Karl.
-Yeah?

Why don't you go upstairs
and I'll make us a cup of tea.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Right.

See you misfits later.

Boo!

(CHUCKLING)

Poor you. You must feel awful.

-I do. I do.
-Oh, come here.

You know, I'm really
pleased for Karl.

But I do hope this doesn't
turn him into a prize cock.

Probably will.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

DON: So, I might have
lost that job,

but I have more
important things, like Abby, and my 40-inch telly.

Oh, you again.

Come in. There's a TV
in the living room.

You can't miss it.
It's massive.

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